A hott married mama!

Recent Entries

You are viewing the most recent 18 entries.

27th April 2004

11:47pm: ...feelings that must be written...
~*~*~damn these bandages they are just a reminder of you! damn these bandages they just shut off my life. damn these bandages, people staring out of the corner of their eyes. I'll smile and pretend to not notice their foolishness and inconsideration of how i FEEL!!! Hello? I can see your molesting eyes, I can see your hand raising but i shut you down. You cannot affect me like this, i don't know you and i don't love you. Please leave me. do you need my explanation about these bandages? they are him, they are our love, and they are the hate i have and feel that is BLEEDING from my arms. oh there they go again, please please stop...my life cannot continue without the ONE but I guess maybe someone can be his replacement, NO! I do not want you or you, just him~*~*~Today i found out that HE is dead and I'm happy because that means i may turn around this car and live on. Why did he die in vain? Why couldn't he have died in my arms just so I knew I was the last thing he saw. I'll just believe that he thought of me...Goodbye bandages~*~*~
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: "Seether" by Veruca Salt

20th April 2004

12:19am: its always raining in my head...
So i bought a depression book that's supposed to help in a good 7 weeks. In the book i had to circle all the problems I battle with and i circled all of them...is that bad? hm...i think so! Anyways I haven't taken care of Kylee in about 2 weeks now. The effects of being away from her is upsetting me. Today when I went to get Chase a birth certificate there was kids and mothers all over. I just started crying bc I didn't want to be like them. I didn't want my daughter to be in a filthy place such as that. I was so concerned thinking, Hm couldn't you have found a baby sitter or something. I live in a lil country town and you rarely see anyone walking, except for this older mother and her son and I always feel horrible. But I had to go to the city and I kept seeing all these women carrying like packs of children around. I give myself anxiety attacks because I'm so scared that I or maybe even Kylee will turn out like this. Why do i stress about this so bad...i'm crazy! I feel as though this is all a dream and I'm going to wake up in hell. I'm of course in my own hell for disrupting my life and making everyone I love miserable. I am pushing chase away so badly. Its like when my friends get boyfriends or something and I always give them a chance but when they get in my way then I turn against them. Its like i'm a bully. i just don't and can't stand being happy. i'm allergic to it i guess. grrr...oh well bye...i miss padre...i'm going to go dream of it!
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: "Epiphany" by Staind

12th April 2004

4:07pm: it's really hard to admit...
but at least once a day I think about suicide. I feel as though it would be easier on everyone if the monkey (me) was removed off of their back. I feel like all I do is bring everyone down and I don't show it ever. I always seem like I'm perfectly my normal self, but I hate everything about myself. I thought getting married would be such a wonderful time in my life, but when my husband is like 8,000 miles away, probably cheating on me, it's really hard to be happy. In the shower I was shaving my legs and I thought hell i could do it right now. My mom wouldn't find me for another 3 hours...it would be all over. I was always sad when I was younger but I kept telling myself when I get older its going to be perfect, I'm going to be happy and my life will be perfect once I get out of high school. I get out of high school and I was happy, I didn't have a care in the world and I was going to school and I had a perfect apartment with my perfect boyfriend. Oh lets put a wrench in that operation! Chase gets up one day and decides to become a Marine and I lose the apartment and forced back into my parents house. Then I get prego by a dip shit that I will never hear from again and suddenly I was in another hole of depression. I had to tell my perfect boyfriend what happened and he accepted it. Something I would never do but hey that's Chase. I dip deeper down into depression as Chase goes off to school and he begins to go out with his friends to clubs on the weekends. What do guys do that don't have sex in a while? Go look for girls. That's at least what I think. We almost find ourselves breaking up and somehow we didn't. After that incident we began talking about marriage and love and all of the sudden he was unbearably in love with me. I was scared but i thought I woud be able to leave oklahoma and we could be a family as soon as possible. But No that's not what happened. He came back to see the baby being born and it was all perfect and then we got married pretty quickly and of course he had to go home to Japan. I began drinking and smoking again and I was happy to have that freedom again. Now I want all my freedom back. I'm thinking about letting Kylee be adopted by my parents. I just can't do it anymore. So this is what brings me back to why I would just love to die right now. I feel like I have nothing to live for. I checked on Chase's little personal ad on okcupid.com and it says he's looking for Sexual Partners. Whatever...we weren't supposed to marry this early. I'm only 19, i'm married, with a kid, and I dream about dying everyday.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: "Empty Apartment" by Yellowcard

29th March 2004

3:46pm: Do I look like a dumbass? Don't answer that!
Okay so this week is doing well...bad news is its Monday! Wow for some odd reason i'm in a good mood! Chase and I got into a big fight. It was my fault I guess but I'm just hoping he isn't too upset. So I'm like obsessed with skirts now, but only the ones that look like they are ripped. Yah Jenny and I went to Kohls last night and I was wearing my awesomely groovy Suspenders, short shirt, baggy pants, and trucker West Coast Choppers hat and some BITCH was like all cracking up whenever she looked at me. Okay I don't know if she was looking at me but a lot of guys were giving me attention and I understand how that would piss someone off. Oh well she was fat! Moo Haha. So then Jenny and I go to Harry Bears and there's this guy there that looked like he was 23 or something and I had to turn around to watch CSI because at those establishments the sound is turned down and the captions are on. Well I guess he smiled at me or something and Jenny was like, "He gave you the, 'I think you're cute' smile." I was like what? No he didn't. But maybe he did who knows. So I talked to Daniel a few times this last week and I guess he's going to send me money to be able to come see him this summer! SWEET! I miss him, he was so awesome to talk to. Not as great as Chase of course but you know. I've had so many people join the military in the last 2 years and leave me. Johnny, Erin, Daniel, and Chase. Wow that's sad. I haven't seen or spoken to Johnny but that's because my parents turned off my other line. OOOH YAH DIRTBAG!! NO SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S MISSING! Hehe wheatus! Well check ya guys later. buh bye
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Wheatus "Teenage Dirtbag"

22nd March 2004

6:41pm: Don't drunk dial...its bad!!!
Yah so I went to Padre last week for Spring Break and lemme tell you I have never seen things like that in my life. Being from a small town in Oklahoma its a little bit stressful when you have all these guys flirting with you and equally girls. Its crazy. We drank and drank and drank, that was the story. I was running away from guys telling them I was married to the perfect guy and most of them respected that but a few were just like He don't gotta know. I was like yes he does so get out of here! I so didn't want to leave, it was so much fun!! Ugh I really didn't have my phone on me because most of the time I was wearing a skirt so that really doesn't have any pockets. My friend Aaron held on to it. I met a range of people...I met a guy that was 6"9 and his friend that looked like Tweeter but he did steroids, I woke up on the beach one morning hugging my seagramms! I kissed some girls and even made out with my best friend Jill. We went to this bad ass club that was connected to a ship and some guy stole like $5 from me but I just said I gave it to him for him to go away! :) hehe. Well Saturday night I went and hung out with Jenny and we threw a party at her house at which point she threw up all over herself in front of her new beau. But he was really cool about it, he rocked her to sleep. It was really sweet. I began calling people like crazy on my phone and that does get people in trouble. Last night we went driving around and I was writing crazy ass shit to people. I don't like my house, I just wanna be with Chase. I dunno. I gotta jet...nothing else to say.
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: "Beautiful Night" by Burden Brothers

10th March 2004

8:20pm: SuN KiSsEd aNd BeAuTiFuL
So this morning my depression came to a head. I just had a breakdown. I was being selfish to Kylee and not caring about her needs. I called my mom extremely upset and told her to find someone to watch her because I can't handle it. She called Eric and he called to tell me to bring her to his house. I had her sitting up on some pillows and I began to cry. She looked at me and where once was a smile she just got upset. I realized that I can't be her mom right now. I can't make my own child cry. That's wrong. I got her dressed and talked to her as best as I could. I got to the point to where i thought I was going to hurt her. I guess that's why I called my mom. I couldn't live with my self and I still am pissed off that I yelled at her. Its not her fault. She was just happy and I ruined it for her. I drove to Erics which seemed like 2 hours away. I finally arrived and took her in and left. Erics little girl was there and was so excited to see Kylee. I felt horrible but I couldn't look at Kylee. I left and it took my like 5 seconds to get home. I was excited to be alone. Not to worry about where she is or if she's hungry. I got online and wouldn't you know it my husband was online. I tried to explain to him how I feel and how scared I was of hurting her but he tried to optimistic and act like nothing happened. It was a lot worse than it probably is just telling him. I happened to walk into the front room to check the mail, and yay my phone was in!!! So happy. Chase told me I wouldn't be moving to Japan but I could come visit and stay with his friends. One thing I'm pretty anti social. I don't really like meeting new people. My best friends I have know for about 2-6 years. What does that say? The last new people I've met and they are pretty good friends now are from work. Eh...i guess to be with him I'll do it. Well I went tanning and didn't even burn! What the hell? I'm so pasty white I was sure to burn the hell out of me! Anyways I went and got my hair short and colored and I look so different from my long brown hair. I haven't been blonde in like a year now! Wow! I accomplished a lot. My money came in so I get to go to Padre. I called Jill and told her I couldn't go it was hella funny. I told her Just Kidding and she was like You need an asskicking! HAHA! Well need to finish talking to hubby!
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: "Violence" by Blink 182

9th March 2004

5:51pm: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a...penguin?
So today I went to class at my big community college, can you smell the sarcasm? And I got a 91 on my Humanities test which actually means that I got an 111! Moo haha! Anyways I got on my way to go check if my money is in because that is what's going to fund my way to Padre and of course they don't have it. Dammit!! I checked under my maiden name but I'm thinking just maybe it might be under hyne. Oh please to the everything I've ever believed in Please say it comes in by Friday. I'm so scared. This will be a disaster bc they didn't get anyone else to go bc I said I was going. Oh yes do you smell what I'm stepping in? Yah its diarrhea!! Anyways I'm hoping that it will be in. So just in case I decided to begin my packing and oh i have the worst stretch marks. Well I watched a Baby Story one day and the stretch marks the woman had was insane. I have like one stretch mark on my belly and about 300 on my tush plus a few on my boobs. I'm so worried what am I going to do? I would be so happy right now if I just knew I had the money in my grasp. Not even that, just to know it would be here before Friday. I'm just going to cry if I can't. Wow last night I was in bed collecting my thoughts and somehow I stopped hearing everything around me and I was just so in tune with my surroundings. It felt like I was on x but it was what I created in my mind. Is that bad? I just totally forgot about it until this afternoon and wow the feeling of just remembering it was awesome. Its so unexplainable when something like that happens. It was a little bit of an awakening but not nirvana. I learned about Buddhism today and some people in this world is a lil crazy. Just tid bit. If that's what those people believe in then I can't take that away or even try to change their views but believing that there's not a Heaven but Nirvana is a little out there. Eh, oh well. Check off and let go...
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" by Rolling Stones

8th March 2004

10:40pm: Yeah...Yeah...YEAHS!!!
So last night Jenny, Chris, Eric and I all went and saw the Yeah Yeah Yeahs in concert. Well there was the first band that was on and they were called the Hex and my opinion is they have way too many people in the band. They would take turns being the drummer and then there were 2 people that were shaking what looked like a coke bottle with quarters in it and they were just so ugly. There was like one girl and I was like could she wear something better looking than a 3 quarters sleeve too tight shirt? Oh well so they go off and then these crazy ass people ran out and one was dressed like a lion, a chicken and a cow with udders! Okay tell me that doesn't sound crazy? So they were all running around screaming and I was like what the hell? Is this the act before the next act? And I thought it was a joke well in the background they have like a slideshow of themselves and the guy is all picking his nose and then the girls take off their chicken and lion heads and one of them looks like her nose was bleeding from snorting too much cocaine...and they would fall down flail around like crazy. Then they were like we are SSIon. I was like you have got to be kidding me. While SSIon was on these 3 drunk ass guys come stumbling along and runs into jenny and I and are very apologetic and they walk off. Well they keep heading closer up in front and there was this 6 foot tall guy with an afro that made him like 7 foot and they hit him in the head. The guy turned around and was like what the hell and just went back to listening to the concert then they just socked him in his head and the guy of course moved. I was like everyone back the fuck up. Chris looked at me like i was drunk and stumbling and I was like there is a fight up there. Well then I guess they thought, "Hell if I beat the shit out of people then they will move" so he went up and hit someone else and the guys girlfriend turned around and tried to separate them and the drunk asses got pissed and tried to go around the girl and almost hit the poor girl. Well this guy came up behind me and yelled that he was going to get security and ran away. Security comes up and asks "Where's maven?" I was like You know him by name? Isn't that a bad sign? He got hauled away and everybody was yelling and so happy. And we went back to watching the crazed people on stage. Then we were standing there waiting for Yeah Yeah Yeahs and the hottie guitarist Nick came out with his bad ass hair. He's not even close to Chase but compared to every guy I saw at the concert he was hott. Well anyways the concert was over and it was time to go home. I get home to try to talk to Chase because I had a horrible dream the night before. I dreamed that we went on Spring Break together and I had left to go somewhere and he stayed wherever we were. When I came back he was in bed doing the nasty with these two girls. One of them was Trishelle from the Real World Vegas that I hate to watch on tv. I was online with Trishelle talking to Chase and Chase used that chance to start emailing her and I couldn't stop it. Dreaming that is worse than when we try to hit someone in dreams and it doesn't hurt them. I was so upset and I would just imagine them together when I saw them in the room and I was killing myself and I finally woke up and I was just so upset. I woke up in tears of pain and rage. I guess thats an underlining fear of mine that he will cheat and leave me. I just couldn't handle it. I'd probably die in many ways. Well he was playing a game so I told him to call me. I went to bed incredibly upset and crying. I had the feeling come across me that I didn't want to even hold Kylee. I guess it's post partum, well lets say I'm hoping bc that at least will go away a lot easier than hate towards her. So I decided to pray and wow that took a lot off my chest. I went to sleep a little happier and little satisfied. He went and got Kylee tattooed on his foot. Its so awesome. It's wonderful. He called this morning and I was so tired and couldn't concentrate. Well I waited until today to put my whole 10 page essay together for psychology and it was really good. It was my last day in psych and that was such an easy class. I wish all my classes were like that. Now back to my stupid phone!! I ordered a new battery bc the t-mobile people told me thats what I would need and I got it today and it didn't work. So I was going to order a phone off ebay and Chase wanted me to call the t-mobile store to see if they would give me a loaner. I didn't think they'd do that bc I had to go order the phone battery online. So I took a long shot and called customer care and they are sending me a new phone!! Woo hoo! I cannot wait, I miss having a phone. Plus I'm going to Padre and need one so bad. Then I have new news about that. I get a phone call today and the other guy that is going with us on the trip is taking a train and he will be in San Antonio on Saturday morning at 4am. Well I have a meeting on Saturday morning at 10:30 that I have to go to so I was thinking about maybe taking a plane down there and so that guy wouldn't be all alone. Well Jill calls Tim and this surprised the hell out of me, Tim was like Just try to see if you can get out of it, if not he can wait. I thought that was pretty cool. I'm going to try but I know what they will say. This crazy manager we have now is not the nicest not like the old one. Blah I'm gonna head to bed I need some type of sleep right about now...check ya laterz
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Date with the Night"

5th March 2004

5:19pm: HaRdEr, BeTtEr, FaStEr, StRoNgEr
I found the best song ever!! "F.U.R.B." by Frankee. My friend Jenny found it. I always was so sad when I heard that Eamon "Fuck it" song but now I think its hilarious. Anyways who thinks Eamon's cute anyways! He looks like the white guy off of "Barber Shop!" No spank you!! I mean really, sometimes it is the guys fault! Well today I got to go to the doctor with Kylee and oh lemme tell you something!!! I hate going to the doctors office. First of all Kylee has been sick and she is just getting over it and I had to take her to the doctors office which is an infestation of germs in the waiting area. Well this little girl decided she wanted to talk to me and ask questions. She's like 9 and then she begins to cough and I'm like GO AWAY!! I was in the waiting area for an hour and thank everyone on earth that they finally called my name. I wasn't mean to her but other people kids (especially when the people leave the kids in the waiting room while they are in the rooms) is just awesome!!! Because I feel obliged to watch them bc i know if anything bad happens i'll feel horrible! Well I go back to one of the rooms and I'm just so happy, for one I'm away from other people and two Kylee filled her diaper a long time ago! So I then waited back in the room for another hour!! She went through 6 ounces of milk in an hour and a half. She was just so hungry. Well she weighs 10 pounds 3 ounces and she is just so beautiful. I'm very proud. Well Chase wants to get a tattoo of Kylee and I have decided I'm going to Padre with Jill because I remember all the other Spring Breaks in my house. Which means its full of, "Kristi you are so lazy, you don't do shit around her!", "Kristi why don't you get up and do something?" Well you know what dad I don't want to!!!! This is my one week out of the whole school year that I don't have to do shit!! Christmas doesn't count bc we go on shopping sprees and have to work every day to pay for everything! So now they are on the kick that I don't have money to do it. And of course they think they have to remind me to go pay my flipping bills!!! Okay I paid them on Tuesday when I got money from Chase!! I'm straight. I have been able to pay my bills just fine, so why must they drive me insane and think I'm so incompetent that I can't do it!!!!!!!! I go to work, I go to school, and I have a child!!! What else can I do? I don't sleep!! My dream is to sleep and wake up and get all my homework done and then play with baby!!!!! But I don't even get that privelege. I get my parents to watch her bc I have a short temper and I haven't gotten used to the whole waking up at 3, 5, and 7 in the morning to get her a bottle!! The best I can do right now is try!!!!! So anyways I'm going with Jenny, Eric and Chris to go see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs on Sunday!!!!! I cannot wait. I've heard a few of their songs but enough to know I like them.
So I'm watching Mrs. Doubtfire and how the hell could they not tell it was Robin Williams!!! So dumb! So this sucks ass the doctor I went to, to have Kylee doesn't carry my insurance! Why does this have to happen? That was the best doctor. Plus I could have gone there for my 6 month exams and I get to go to El Reno. The few escapes I get out of El Reno, one of them is taken away. Woe is me! This is just so irritating. Now this is the gripe I hear every friggin other day from my dad. He gripes bc I drive all the way to the city to work. Okay the restaurant I work at makes money. I made more than Chase and he is a marine! He drives all the way to the city, what makes me any different? I'm going to college and there is no reason to bitch at me for no reason. They got me a shitty ass 1990 Ford Escort that cannot be destroyed (I have tried!) and its my fault if that car breaks down? Fuck off!! Just let me do my own thing!! anyways I'm going to go...
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: "Island in the Sun" by Weezer

3rd March 2004

11:48pm: can not put into words how i feel
I have just gotten home from watching "The Passion of the Christ" and I went through so many feelings just watching that movie. I even cried in it. Where Mary went to talk to him and I just couldn't imagine watching my child go through that much pain. I just imagined Kylee and I got so upset. Also I cried because I was so confused, why would anyone want to do that to someone. Its one thing to crucify him but to beat him with a chain with nails on the end. It was so brutal, it showed skin being ripped from his body. Then putting the crown of thorns they made sure that it was in his head. It was so much blood and so much pain. It was a great movie that depicted it wonderfully but I don't think I could ever see it again. I'm so confused with how I feel about my faith and I wonder if I could be a big enough person to say Yes I am one of his people. I hate to hear it when people talk about no God or no Heaven or Hell, because they are truly real. Scientist can't even replicate how we could have accidentally began. How could you doubt there is a God? Yes bad things happen to good people but at the same time bad people get what they deserve. You may not think that it does but look at those people in about 10 years and it will show different. That's just my rambling.
Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: "Until the Day I Die" by Story of the Year

2nd March 2004

11:21pm: boys are stupid, throw big rocks at them!!
hm...problem of the day is Why does Chase have to be an ass? Hm...could it be because he likes to think that he has a sort of control of me. To make me feel like I'm lower than him. Probably not but I feel like it. I feel like every time I ask a simple question he either looks or makes me feel like I'm retarded. Like take today: The first time we took Kylee to the doctor for her jaundice check up we payed $115 for her to just see the doctor because at the time she wasn't on his insurance yet. Well there is a way where you send a claim into the insurance to get your money back. Well instead of sending us the money they gave it back to the doctor. In which the doctor was payed the initial $115 and then another $78. So I asked Chase what I should do. I always ask him because I don't know I'm so used to it and I really didn't know what to do. He then responds with: "You need to grow up and begin doing things for yourself." Okay I read this and I was totally surprised. My fucking husband decided to write that to me? Oh so I responded with, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" He then goes onto his "psychiatric talk" where it sounds like hes talking to a child and comments that, "I didn't need to use that language." Hm...what this sparks inside me is extreme pissiness! You know what I grew up in a family that would tell it like it is. We might use profound language but we got our point across and then it was over. The way his oh so wonderful family does it, is I guess just forgets the problem. Okay if someone treats me like i'm 12 then i'm going to give them a little bit of my mind. I don't care if its my husband or a worst enemy. I'm just so unbelievably pissed. I thought that maybe we had gotten over this fucking stage. Hm...I remember when he told me that Shasta(a BEEPING BEEPER OF A BEEP!!!) was more mature than I was. I'm sorry I don't like to listen to Britney Spears or giggle at the dumbest things. I like to listen to music with some depth and I may be a little shallow but I understand people better than she ever did. No i'm an understanding person that helped Chase through his hard times and my family has accepted him and still he treats me like this? Oh hell! You know I keep baby all day, I sleep from 11-3 then wake up to feed and change her, then go back to sleep from 4-7 then feed and change her, and then she wakes up at around 9 and will not go back to sleep until 12. Then I go to school on Monday nights for 3 hours just to be surrounded by scary people, then on Tuesdays I wake up early to take Kylee to Hannahs and then go to class and then come and pick her up and go home. Then on Thursdays I go to school while my dad watches her. I work Sunday mornings with completely rude people and then I work on Saturdays just to be reminded that I do not have my husband and watch as every couple comes in so incredibly happy. And what does Chase do? He has it easy, he doesn't get woken up to a crying baby. Plus lately she has been extremely sick and that has just added to my stress level. I love my baby and everything but he doesn't even acknowledge that I do have a hard time right now. NO I'm sorry I'm being so immature because the whole time he was here I did his laundry. I didn't wake him up when I needed a bottle or a diaper. I let him sleep and for what? For him to tell me to grow up? What the fuck ever!! I'm sorry Chase let me be more like you ok? Every time I talk to you I will make you feel like a midget and then maybe you will understand how I feel...
Current Mood: enraged
Current Music: "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park
11:21pm: boys are stupid, throw big rocks at them!!
hm...problem of the day is Why does Chase have to be an ass? Hm...could it be because he likes to think that he has a sort of control of me. To make me feel like I'm lower than him. Probably not but I feel like it. I feel like every time I ask a simple question he either looks or makes me feel like I'm retarded. Like take today: The first time we took Kylee to the doctor for her jaundice check up we payed $115 for her to just see the doctor because at the time she wasn't on his insurance yet. Well there is a way where you send a claim into the insurance to get your money back. Well instead of sending us the money they gave it back to the doctor. In which the doctor was payed the initial $115 and then another $78. So I asked Chase what I should do. I always ask him because I don't know I'm so used to it and I really didn't know what to do. He then responds with: "You need to grow up and begin doing things for yourself." Okay I read this and I was totally surprised. My fucking husband decided to write that to me? Oh so I responded with, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" He then goes onto his "psychiatric talk" where it sounds like hes talking to a child and comments that, "I didn't need to use that language." Hm...what this sparks inside me is extreme pissiness! You know what I grew up in a family that would tell it like it is. We might use profound language but we got our point across and then it was over. The way his oh so wonderful family does it, is I guess just forgets the problem. Okay if someone treats me like i'm 12 then i'm going to give them a little bit of my mind. I don't care if its my husband or a worst enemy. I'm just so unbelievably pissed. I thought that maybe we had gotten over this fucking stage. Hm...I remember when he told me that Shasta(a BEEPING BEEPER OF A BEEP!!!) was more mature than I was. I'm sorry I don't like to listen to Britney Spears or giggle at the dumbest things. I like to listen to music with some depth and I may be a little shallow but I understand people better than she ever did. No i'm an understanding person that helped Chase through his hard times and my family has accepted him and still he treats me like this? Oh hell! You know I keep baby all day, I sleep from 11-3 then wake up to feed and change her, then go back to sleep from 4-7 then feed and change her, and then she wakes up at around 9 and will not go back to sleep until 12. Then I go to school on Monday nights for 3 hours just to be surrounded by scary people, then on Tuesdays I wake up early to take Kylee to Hannahs and then go to class and then come and pick her up and go home. Then on Thursdays I go to school while my dad watches her. I work Sunday mornings with completely rude people and then I work on Saturdays just to be reminded that I do not have my husband and watch as every couple comes in so incredibly happy. And what does Chase do? He has it easy, he doesn't get woken up to a crying baby. Plus lately she has been extremely sick and that has just added to my stress level. I love my baby and everything but he doesn't even acknowledge that I do have a hard time right now. NO I'm sorry I'm being so immature because the whole time he was here I did his laundry. I didn't wake him up when I needed a bottle or a diaper. I let him sleep and for what? For him to tell me to grow up? What the fuck ever!! I'm sorry Chase let me be more like you ok? Every time I talk to you I will make you feel like a midget and then maybe you will understand how I feel...
Current Mood: enraged
Current Music: "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

1st March 2004

9:43pm: rehabilitation for my mind
So today I went to my psych night class and I had a sort of slap in the face. I never thought of depression as a "mental illness." About 9 people came into the class to tell us about their illnesses. Schizophrenia, severe depression, & bi-polar were explained and they told me according to doctors that if a person is on Wellbutrin or Paxil then you are thought of as a person with a mental illness. After hearing that I felt as if I was going to be sick. I was just concentrating on throughout the whole class period that I was crazy. That's not exactly the way I should put it that way but how else should I think of it? oh well...I need to have a slap in the face so maybe I can do something about it.
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: The Thrills "One Horse Town"
1:57pm: the problems with hospitals
okay this is what has pissed me off to no end and I think that if I typed it all out I might feel 20 times better, well at least getting it off my mind. When Kylee was at the hospital, she got there at about 7 and right then they put an iv in her foot. I was not in the room because when I was outside I had the sudden urge to run in there and beat the shit out of everyone. Imagine me in there with my baby. She was screaming and carrying on and it just upset me. Well she didn't like the room. This room was so uninviting and the size of a big bathroom. It fit a crib, a bed, and a few chairs. When I was at LS Hospital I was so pampered and just loved every minute of it and this hospital was fucking horrible compared to it. Well the doctor did not come in until noon the next day. It could have been because they never told him to come check on me. On Tuesday when we had her tested for RSV they told us to go home and wait for him to call. The next day I went back to his office to find out the test results and he was so made because I didn't keep Kylee in the hospital the day before. I told him that the nurses and techs told us to go home and you would be contacting us. Come to find out those bastards did not even try to look for him and they hadn't even looked at her x-rays of her lungs. So I had to leave and wait at home where I knew Kylee would be comfortable until those bastards decided they wanted to check it out. Anyways back at the hospital, the next morning I was so full-on upset that I left and went home to just relax and take a shower and wash her some bottles and get some more diapers for my lil dear. When I got back she had a fever of 101, she was sleeping, she didn't want to eat, and she laid there lifeless. I held her and began crying so much in front of my parents and Jenny. Well I got myself together and the doctor came in about 1 and said, "The nurses told me you wanted to see me." I was like, "DUH she is your patient! Help her!!" He looked at the room and said, "Could they have put you in a smaller room?" The funny thing is every nurse said that when they came in also. So he said that she sounded good and was getting better. Well thank goodness because they decided that it would be a good idea to move us to something bigger! Hmm...ya think?? Well when we got into our new room I rocked Kylee to sleep and just held her while I helped Jenny with her homework. Then the IV monitor began beeping. So just like the other times I called up to the nurses station and said, "Her IV is going off!" They told me they would send someone down. 5 minutes later, noone showed up and I called again. Noone showed up well let's walk down there. So I stroll down there pretty pissy and see 4 nurses in front of the desk and 4 behind. I told them, "I NEED HELP!" they looked at me and said, "You're in room 129 right? We'll be down there shortly." I should have stayed there but I thought maybe they were busy or something. 5 minutes later...Jenny walks down there to tell someone. She then waits outside the door and noone comes still. At 3:30 I called down there and said, "SOMEBODY BETTER COME DOWN HER NOW!!!!" Well the nurse we had the day before was walking in the door before I could finish. She looked and oh the fucking IV got so BACKED up that they would have to put another IV in my little girls foot. The foot can fit into my hand, just imagine the fucking veins!! Wonderful I know! Well I called my mom to tell her to come back up here because they had to put another IV in her foot and she got up there pretty damn quick! Well Chase had called and I went outside to smoke because like I said I couldn't handle her crying and screaming. So I smoked and said I love you and started back to the room. I was talking to him for a good 15 minutes and when I left the nurses and techs were going in there to try the IV again. When I walked up to the room all the nurses were filing out and i could hear my baby screaming. I walked in there and my doctor was in there. Well they tried twice and couldn't get a good vein so they were going to call another guy and the doctor came in and said, "No we aren't doing this!" I looked at the bed and my child had bled on the bed. Very upsetting!! Well what made me mad is that they would come in to the room to just look at her at random times but when I needed them to help they wouldn't! Goodness I am thinking about taking her to a new doctor like a pediatrician...well enough of my ranting...
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Roswell is on...

29th February 2004

9:25pm: said the red duck
yes well today I woke up to go to work and I had a dream the night before about someone I work with and the whole time I was like STOP LOOKING AT ME!! I have this underlying fear that people can hear what I am thinking. Like I'll be at a table and I'll be thinking, "For the love of pete just order your damn food!!!" and then the people will look at me pissed off and then I'll begin thinking, "LALALALALA!" Yes that sounds a little crazy but that's what goes on in my head and in Jenny's also! We can be crazy together. Well at work this girl was talking about how self concious she is about her body and how she thinks her bf is going to leave her. The reasoning is because she caught her bf checking out the new host. Of course this would piss any girl off but I tried to explain that the gender role psychologically tells us girls are supposed to be dainty and non sexual while guys always think with their second head. Whether its right or wrong that's the way life is. Well I before I left work I asked her, "What is the rule of the day?" and she answered with, "I don't know what is it?" I told her, "You are beautiful and don't believe any different!" I felt happy because I made someone feel a little better. Its crazy how much one person can affect another's world. Just a simple Hello can brighten a day. Well I went home to see baby and I held her and rocked her until she fell asleep. My mom was griping because she couldn't get her to go to sleep and I held her for 10 min and she was already out. I'm very excited about being a mom and having a family. I have to choose whether or not I want to go to Padre with Jill but I don't think I want to. It would be awesome to go hang out with friends but I would rather go somewhere with Chase. Yes I think I'm going to decline the invitation. The way I think about Spring Break is a bunch of drunken frat boys and I absolutely HATE frat boys. Just their cocky ass attitude. Plus since I'm sucha bitch I'd probably get into a few fights. Well this will be it for today...Rock on with your bad selves!!
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: The Oscars is on...

28th February 2004

11:46pm: don't make me get the hose!!
so i just got home from work and I was surprised as hell when I realized I made $78 with only working 5 hours! Oh yes I'm awesome! See my job is so much better than being a stripper because I keep my clothes on and make about the same! So Boo Ya! Wow haven't used that in a long time. Today I realized that my job has so much drama, its like the Real World. There is a group of us that along perfectly well and I've noticed that even them are talking shit about some people. I'm like the only one who gets along with everyone. Just suck it up and don't listen to what other people say. I guess that's easy for me to say because i'm just so lovable! HEHE! Well I hate when I'm at work and I feel like people don't like me just because they don't talk to me. Am I the only one that feels that way? I mean how is it that I am so conscience about everyones feelings? I remember working at Applebees and hating every day I went in because people were so mean to me there and I know why! I don't want to sound full of myself (and trust me I hardly do) but they had to have been jealous. I would hear from other people bitching because I was "too happy." When I heard that I was flabberghasted that there is such a thing of someone being too happy. All I did was go to work make awesome tips and talk to my friends. I'm still irate about those damn people. Well last night I went out with Jill and we went to Cactus Jacks and played pool and SkeeBall and I won hella tickets! We were also drinking and its just so funny to try to act normal because you cant do it! Well this girl that hangs out with Jill came up to hang out, she was really cool. Well let me explain something first...when I was a senior I started dating Stephen and got adopted into his group of friends and I thought I was so happy. That's when my addiction to xtc happened and that's when my depression peaked. I was so numb that I didn't know how much Stephen used me. Well on Prom night he was supposed to go with me but I hadn't heard from him the whole week before and he didn't know what was going on so I called Berratt a few days before and as luck would have it he was going to Prom on Sat. night and mine was on Friday! How awesome! Well he came and Stephen never showed up and that night I found out some horrible things. He had been cheating on me the entire time and he was already going out with someone else!!! What the fuck!! So Jill's boyfriend Tim is best friends with Stephen(which is retarded because all he does is use people!!) and after I broke up with his ass lil miss Shannon was then adopted into the group and everyone just loved her more than me. Which was upsetting at that time but now I think about it and I'm like that was the best thing that could have happened to me. Well Tim and Jill hang out with Shannon and it has upset me to no end! Not because I want Stephen but because Jill is my best friend how dare someone try to steal her away. But I kept it down for a long time and then last night, after drinking heavily, I began talking to her about it. She explained that Shannon has not said one thing bad about me and she even was worried about Kylee when she was sick. The thing is she has no reason not to like me! She was the one who (Thank the Lord Almighty) stole him away. But it made me feel better to know that Jill wouldn't hang out with her if she did say anything. Now lets get to the funny part! Stephen would never call me or anything unless he had nothing else to do but to hang out with me. Haha, now he is doing the same damn thing to the new one! That poor girl actually thought and still thinks that she can change him. I know he has cheated on her because once a player always a player. The girl that came up to the pool hall asked Jill if I was his ex and Jill was like yup. Well then I started talking to her and I began talking about Chase and telling him how wonderful he is and she looked at Jill and she was like, "What do you think about him?" and Jill was like, "He is the perfect guy. The guy you have always dreamed about and the perfect guy to take home to mom and dad." And really that is him. He is the only guy that has put up with my shit and sure he's tested me but he was always there to make sure nothing bad happened. I feel so lucky that I can't truly be happy with it because I worry so much that I'm going to lose it all. On my long drive home I listened to the Stars CD and I cannot put that thing down. I have to listen to it like 24/7 I just can't get enough! And this song "Look Up" says, "Look up keeping it together is enough..." and so many truths are in that one line. Sometimes just looking like you are calm can be worse than being desheveled. And I would look up at the stars and its crazy how things change so quickly...My dream last night involved me being outside and looking up at the sky and I saw 4 moons and the stars were revolving it. It was so scary. I've had dreams about death and crazy shit but for some reason when I have dreams about the sky they are crazier. I don't understand how that can be. But I'm extremely tired...see ya
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: The Stills "Yesterday Never Tomorrows"

27th February 2004

5:15pm: if you're happy and you know it...
well today is Friday and was the last day at the hospital!! we took kylee in on Wednesday night at 7 for her horrible cough and it turns out the x-rays showed bronchitis. that's exactly what a 6 week old baby should have. well she tested positive with rsv and the problem with that virus is it can block her lungs to the point where she stops breathing. so the last few days have been so horribly stressful, I cannot even begin to explain the emotions I went through. At one point on Thursday I had come back from taking a shower at home and she had a fever of 101, she wasn't eating, and she was sleeping. I told my mom to let me hold her and I just began to cry. She had an IV in her foot and she felt so helpless and I just hugged her because I had a feeling that I might not take her home. I'm 19 years old, married, with a baby. My husband is in Japan and the only person there to comfort me was my best friend. I won't let my parents comfort me, I believe it will show weakness. I hardly show it in front of my friends. I've had bad relationships with old friends and ex-bfs so I have been made to think that crying is weakness. Yah my exbfs were abusive, not just physical. Emotional abuse has to be the worst thing on earth. My hubbie, Chase tells me how beautiful I am and I have been getting better about it but I'm just like no I'm not! At work I have so many great friends and they are just wonderful and all the guys just love me and treat me like I'm one of the guys except with big boobs...hehe, don't get breast implants! have a baby!! Anyways and they along with the girls tell me i'm pretty and I just don't know how to thank them and I feel bad when I don't. I don't believe i'm pretty, like I said before I am getting better, but at this point I'm trying not to listen to what other people listen to. I'm married to a wonderful gorgeous person and I'm so happy, but I'm unhappy to the point because I can't forget the past. I watch tv and see how happy and in control people have their lives and I get so jealous. Why do I have this insane problem? Why can't I let go? Its like I look for a reason to be depressed. I think I have 2 people living inside me. At times I can be so happy and thinking about how wonderful my life is and then I'm like, "no you've done so many bad things in your life and to other people!" it's like acute Bi-Polar! I take wellbutrin and I think Schizos take it, I read a book one day and it said that. Did my doctor think that? Gr...I don't understand how happy Chase can be. We've been through a lot of the same things. We both had a drug problem, mine with Ecstasy. Just thinking about xtc makes me want to go do it right now, but I can't because I have come such a long way to just steep back to that level. How sad I am right now doesn't compare to what I felt like when I was a senior or last year. Kylee made me wake up and really did help me get my life back together. I don't want to go back in time, the fun I had wasn't the real type of fun. It was delusional happiness. I remember when I was happy, it was when I would go to the club without alcohol or drugs and just have fun. Or go meet random people without any type of help from substance. I was naive and the things I found out and saw when I was on drugs would forever scar me. When I knew Johnny and was able to smile because I was free from Clint's clutches and away from physical abuse. I remember when we first broke up I was so happy and so alive. I was a senior and never had to worry about anything. Wow I feel that right now and it's so exhilerating, its better than x...maybe I'll find it again. It feels like when I'm around Chase and how free from all my problems I can be because I have a wonderful person that loves me...i love him
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: "Look Up" by Stars

24th February 2004

7:46pm: i get my kicks above the waistline sunshine
so today i took kylee to the doctor because her cough is so bad and she is just too young to be this sick! well i got there at 1:30 they didn't call my name until 2:30 saw one doctor at 2:50 she then said that kylee was way too sick and needed to be looked at by the head doctor. but he was in surgery so I had to wait until 3:30 to see him and he came in with the first doctor and a nurse to check her. he then thought that it was rsv so i had to take her stragight to the hospital for them to test her and see if she's okay. i called my mom because i was holding back tears and just wanted her to be there with me. well my jackass got extremely drunk last night and threw my cell in a cup of coke! yay and today was supposed to be when i get another one but with kylee this bad there is no way! (we'll come back to last night!) so i call from the room and she comes up to the drs office and we go to the hospital for an x-ray and suctioning of her nose! ewie! well i called my best friend to get on the internet to email chase but as luck had it he was online and he called me almost immediately. i was upset and he knows how i get so he told me i had to be strong since hes gone and cant help me get back to normal. I held back tears and got thru her crying and it was alright. me, kylee and my mom all go home and we bathe her because if she tests positive for rsv then she'll go stay in the hospital! i'm just extremely pissed off at myself because i should have stayed home! but no my id told myself to go out and have a good time and i did so and don't even remember the end! jenny told me i was a good girl so that's a big wave of relief, if i would have done anything i would be absolutely depressed because i'm married to mr. right! well like i said in my bio i am battling a 10 year depression and it is so horrible because i can't be happy! i'm happy as hell when i'm with chase because he makes everything go away and the sun shine and the birds sing, and when i see kylee and her big smile i'm histerically happy because she's perfect! but i can't get away from my past and i can't quit drinking i really really want to...well lent is coming up. that would be great if i could do it! hm...maybe. i really don't have anything else to say. all i wish for is to be happy. to do that would be so wonderful. i know one day i'll find that euphoric state but i don't see it anywhere soon. bye!
Current Mood: scared
Current Music: Stars -- Heart
Powered by Blurty.com