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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2004.07.19  22.41 Happy things: 1. Mel burned three Placebo CDs for me today 2. I got a free pair of panties from Victoria's Secret 3. I had quizno's for dinner Not Happy things: 1. I had one of those days today - I feel weird/detached/dead/ill/depressed/alone/whatever 2. I have writer's block 3. seeing the shrink is USELESS, as there is nothing to say 4. There's more, but excessive angsting isn't constructive. Sleep now. Mood: dead

	2004.07.12  11.38 You're Brian! Lucky you. Nancy Boy, sweet prince and all that. You tend to be open-minded not only towards others but towards yourself. However you expect this from other people and that can sometimes get into troubble. You're the epitome of sexiness though and I love ya.....along with countless others. Which member of Placebo are you? brought to you by Quizilla

	2004.07.10  11.36 You are the Proud Owner of Orlando Bloom's Mouth! Get ready for some of the most heavenly kisses on the planet. And of course, as you own his mouth, you also have his accent! Lucky you! Enjoy listening to him - if you ever remove your mouth from his, that is! Which part of Orlando Bloom's body do you own? brought to you by Quizilla

	2004.07.10  11.30 ENGLISH SUMMER RAIN I'm in the basement, you're in the sky, I'm in the basement baby, drop on by. You are a creature that is constantly dying and being reborn. You feel inferior most of the time and have bad luck in love. Keep your sense of hope because one day you will find someone who is truly worthy and your luck will change. What Placebo Song Are You? (Has many answers and great pics!) brought to you by Quizilla

	2004.07.04  15.43 I haven't updated recently, because there is seriously nothing interesting going on. Even though I'm on vacation. It's boring. I've just been bumming around, reading, playing on the internet, writing a lot. I have a new idea for a story I've been working on, so that should keep me occupied for a while. Going home tomorrow, which is super-exciting as I'll be seeing Galen, hopefully. But he's been really busy with CET so I don't know. I'm going to one of their work parties on tuesday, though, so at the very least I'll see him then. And Hannah. Yay! Hannah is now a verb. A French verb in the infinitive. Je hanna, tu hannas, il/elle hanna, etc. We haven't decided on a meaning yet, though. Lalala....I'm so bored...there's only so much time you can spend staring at yourself in a mirror. I'm out. Mood: bored Music: Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

	2004.06.25  12.06 yesterday So yesterday was fun. I went for an Exhausting Bike Ride of Death(tm) with Jason. We went around on the greenbelt and stuff, and stopped at the carnival that is a pathetic excuse for the river festival and got snow cones. V v v hot. Then we went back to Ann Morrison and swang (swung? swinged?) on the swings. Then we went to the BAM - there's a Degas scultpure exhibit in town right now. We went back to his house but it was all windy and a thunderstorm was coming in so his parents wouldn't let us go back outside so we played on the computer instead. And called Katie. Who is busy until Sunday, the wench. *growls in KT's general direction* Bad news on the biking front though - Apparently, the tire stem or something was at an angle and got cut, so the back tire needs a new tube. That rules out riding today. Oh well. My butt needs time to recover anyway. I think I have bruises. I've been walking around like John Wayne this morning. ; ) Mood: blah

	2004.06.24  14.35 whoah FROZEN QUEEN/ KING You dont want love to come through to you. You like it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you. You are already used to it. You say yourself that you dont need anyone, that you stand on your own two feet or that you dont have time for these things. But in reality you are scared to get hurt. You feel save where you are: by yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You invent your own relationship in your dreams. You just need to know that you COULD get a partner. Thats it. PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always message me or tell me how I can improve that quiz. Ill sure write back. ~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~ brought to you by Quizilla

	2004.06.23  13.16 Boise So here I am, in my home town. Sort of. If you want to get technical, my real home town is Oakland, CA, cos I was born there, but then we moved to Shelley when I was like two and then I started kindergarten in Toledo, OR. And if you're going by where I live right now...never mind. Boise's basically my home town. It's the longest we've lived anywhere. Stupid mom, being a pastor. It's a really crappy system. Essentially, they can move you anywhere in the conference (Oregon-Idaho) and you can never go to the same town twice. Oh well. At least I'll be moving out in a couple years. And Salem's okay. Good school, cool people. And Galen, of course. I miss Galen. Of course, anyone who's talked to me at all in the last few days already knows that. My apologies. But Hannah really sucks, cos she's doing CET so they're seeing each other every weekday for five weeks, starting yesterday. Damn techies. Lizzie said they're going to elope. Hah. Of course, she felt the need to rag on him the entire time we were in the car yesterday, getting ice cream from the Fanci Freeze. "He's stupid, he's greasy, blah blah blah." (He so is not greasy, by the way. I would never date a greasy guy. ehck.) I think it was just to keep up her boy-hating image in front of our friends. She's privately admitted that he's 'okay.' Whatever. Yesterday I got to drive from our hotel in Pendleton to Ontario. It was probably three hours or so. And I went through the Blue Mountains. Not so bad in the summer, but in winter it's really scary. hills and curves and curves on hills and concrete barriers. But I'm a good driver. Tomorrow we're going to float the Boise River, probably. I've only done it in a raft before. This time we're taking inner tubes like everyone else. Should be fun. Going with a family that we've known for forever. since our moms were in high school, at least. Logan's six months younger than me. He and I used to be good friends, but now he's all anti-social and stuff. He's going to be cute when he's older. Not that I'm interested. That would be weird, like dating my cousin or something. Plus, he's obsessed with video games. Not my thing at all. Okay, this entry is getting way too long so I'm going to go now. Mood: happy

	2004.06.13  14.30 hmph At the request (read:demand) of Ashley, I am updating. She says "BILLEH!" only provides so much reading entertainment. Psh. Whatever. Hm. News in Kat-land. I made drumline. Center snare, baby! Woot! our percussion section is really hurting this year. We lost a lot of people. So I didn't have a lot of competition, but still. I'm proud. Also, I have a boyfriend again. Galen. He's in band too - a trumpet player. Can't say much about our relationship so far, as I've only seen him once since he asked me out, but I've known him all year and he's a really nice guy. hopefully will work out better than the Eric fiasco. *snort* I need a job. Can anybody give me a job? I need moolah for le trip to France next summer. Or I may be forced to resort to drug dealing to make ends meet. There is an opening in that market at least, since someone who's name begins with a P got arrested. Poor guy. I took a long nap today. It was soooo nice, because for once I wasn't putting off doing homework. Hahhhhhhh, no homework. I do, however, need to clean my room. It's like, a train wrecked in a pig sty because of an earthquake and then got hit by a tornado and THEN was ransacked by bloodthirsty pirates. That's how messy it is. The other day I went downtown with Mel and we walked around and I got the coolest CD ever at Ranch. It's this french group that sounds sort of like the Beastie Boys or Rage Against the Machine or something. only, in french. très cool. Mood: bouncy Music: silmarils - love your mum

	2004.06.07  02.03 (dom) BILLEH!!! Mood: bouncy

	2004.06.03  21.58 oh, so true You're a Slash writer! What kind of writer are you? brought to you by Quizilla

	2004.06.03  21.10 I don't hate the French, though... Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look? What Monty Python Character are you? brought to you by Quizilla

	2004.06.02  21.03 tra la Last weekend was fun, but exhausting. It was our friend's 50th birthday and we went on a 2-mile beach walk and did other stuff. We were up really late, sitting under a big tent thing in the backyard, singing incredibly random songs and drumming on various and sundry items. Our song list: Havah Nagilah Tomorrow (from Annie) Age of Aquarius Hair Ta-ra-ra-boom-dee-ay Chim-chimeny and spoonful of sugar (Mary Poppins) If I were a rich man (fiddler on the roof) It was interesting. And I taught them the "In my pants" game so it was my sister and I and a bunch of middle-aged women sitting around saying "in my pants" at the end of every sentence and then laughing uproariously. Good times. I saw a shrink yesterday. She thinks I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and borderline depression. It does explain a LOT. Yay for me. So I have to go to the doctor and make sure it's not something else and then comes the medication. I didn't want it at first. I don't like the idea of being happy just because some chemicals told my brain that I am. I want to have a reason for being happy. If things suck royally, I have a right to be upset about it. Even if they don't suck. If I'm sad, it's just me. It's who I am. I'm not a happy-go-lucky person anymore. Used to be. Then life happened. Now I brood. And stuff. But then I was thinking, being keyed up and on edge all the freaking time isn't very fun. maybe I should try whatever it is they want me to take. If they decide I need to take something. Rory was mad at me because I missed the last GSA meeting to get shrinked. They had ice cream. Damn. On the bright side of things, I got a massage today. Very very nice. Sooooo relaxing. Now I'm drinking lots of water so the toxins have a chance to get flushed out of my system. Ew, I wrote flushed. HARRY POTTER 3 COMES OUT ON FRIDAY!!! Only I won't get to see it until Sunday, with Jenna and Hannah. Hm. Collectively, would they be Henna? Something to think about. and Mel is back from Oh Canada. Their symphony and orchestra WON! Yay for Mel! Yay for Oh Canada! Yay for the Bacchanale from Samson and Delilah!!!!! Mood: lonely Music: nothing - that's odd

	2004.05.28  20.14 name that tune I'm having a pretty good day. Katrin was actually here today, but was scared she'd get called down to the office. Apparently Paco was there all day with the SRO, and she was worried that her name would come up in connection with Paco's and his friends. A friend of Katrin's said he was arrested. It's really too bad - he seems like a nice guy, although I've only hung out with him briefly, once. Yesterday I realized who the personification of my dream man is. I don't remember if I wrote about this - I dreamt about this guy once, only I didn't know who he was or anything, but he was the ideal guy. So then at the band/orchestra/symphony/choir concert at school on wednesday, we played Lord of the Rings (the symphony) and this guy Tyler sang "In Dreams" in a falsetto. He already had hot points because he has long dark hair and he plays viola, but singing -that- song -that- high doubled the hot points at least. And then yesterday at school he was wearing a kilt. We're talking full Scottish regalia. flashes on the knee socks, a glengarry with a clan badge...no sporran, but that's okay. And he wore a sweater instead of a prince charlie jacket. I don't really like prince charlies anyway. but that combined with all the other things was just...wow. The only drawback is that he's mormon. Not that I have anything against them. It just makes datability more of an issue. Although, it wasn't really an issue in the first place because he's waaaaay out of my league but still. Hot with a capital Hot. All righty. Now that I've competely embarrassed myself by going on and on about some random guy - another random guy-related thing. Eric called me the other night. Just out of the blue. It was really funny, because he's been avoiding me like a combination of satan and the plague since I broke up with him. So we talked for a while. It was actually nice to talk to him without the pressure of the whole dating thing. Katrin is convinced that he still likes me. She says four girls have asked him out since Hamlet, but he turned them all down. Please. Of course, he still ignores me in film as lit. But I only have to go to that class one more time because on tuesday we're taking the final and after that we don't have to come to class anymore! Which means I get to sleep in on A days! YAY!!!!! Hah. It's so nice to be at home with nothing to do. Three-day weekend, no huge projects coming up, Sally Rose's birthday party at the beach on sunday...and I have cookie dough. Only it turned out a little funky. Tastes fine, but the texture's weird. too much butter, possibly. Must make some more. Happiness also - I had a driving lesson today and now I have a new driving partner. Darby. She's cool. There was much discussion between us and Instructor Mike. He's a funny guy. But talks a lot. Which makes me apologize a lot. But it's all good. He's taken to referring to me as the "wunderkind." Just because I am musically inclined, and stuff. I don't know. I think that's all. I know there was something else but it disappeared. Mood: yearning

	2004.05.14  21.01 state yesterday was the state competition for orchestra and symphony, so I was in Corvallis all day. tomorrow is state for band, so I will be in Corvallis all day again. I've had a major headache all day and I have major knots in my neck and it hurts to turn my head and I fell asleep twice in school today and I love all the wrong people and nothing is going right. Even so, I have these weird happy moments when I don't really care about how things are going. It's very very odd. I had a driving lesson today. I didn't kill the instructor or myself or anyone else, so it was a good day for me. Scary stuff though. We were out in west salem, and there was more traffic than I've ever been in. We almost drove to Mel's house. But then we didn't. My driving instructor is so funny. He reminds me exactly of the big wimpy cat in Fievel: an American Tail. He's got this droopy moustache and the same voice. And a penchant for loud hawaiian shirts. Last week it was a green leopard-print. It was *interesting.* Katrin and Hannah and Tyler and I made a list of things we love and things we hate. They are hilarious. Some things we love: boys (Casey and Toby) men in uniform (but not that one) reggae fishing "I did the MATH" feeling happy sex, drugs, and rock and roll (only not drugs, just pot) Fred and George Weasely jellyfish arguments (but not the angry kind) monty python grunge some things we hate: boys boring public speakers mean homophobes really lame jokes pantyhose SUVs the government republicans bush republicans being poked by sharp pointy objects forgetting stuff when your nose itches disco and disco fashion obnoxious winners there was a LOT more, but Katrin has the original list and some of the things wouldn't make sense to other people. So yeah. I should go do my film essay now. I drank a mocha in under five minutes - my headache's gone but now I'm jittery. Mood: stressed Music: because we can - fatboy slim

	2004.05.12  16.36 ccaaffffeeiinnee iiss ggoooodd... I was up until after 1 am again last night, doing homework, and then I got up at like 5:30. For food today I've had two mochas, three peanut butter cookies, and part of a corndog. I was planning on going running later but I'm worried I'll collapse. : ) actually on second thought, I could use some exercise. but not until later. the thing with caffeine is, it gives me lots of nervous energy, but it's all mental and I have to utilize all the coffee-induced inspiration I can get. Wow. I've been listening to this mix CD and there's the trippiest song on it. I found the lyrics - apparently it's from the movie Batman and Robin. Haven't seen it. but the song is good. I dreamt that the Boogieman went down on Mr Spock Sugar was'a flowin' Shock it to 'em sock those are my favorite lines. crazy stuff. *dances* I'm getting a cell phone! huzzah! Mood: restless Music: DJ Kool - let me clear my throat

	2004.05.10  16.54 incoherence? Magic eight ball says "eck-ecky-ecky-ecky pakang zoop-poing!" WoW. So, ScHoOl HaS bEeN lIkE tHiS fOr ThE pAsT fEw WeEkS. Major projects due, lots of social drama, fun stuff going on. Our school's GSA (gay-straight alliance) finally started up so that's been fun. Especially since Mikko is usually there. And Rory. The real Rory, not Kenton-who-changed-his-name-randomly-to-Rory-this-year. Romance-wise, there's good news and bad news. The good news is, I only like two guys. That is a minor miracle for me. The bad news is, one of them has a girlfriend. The good news is, he's the one I like less of the two guys. The bad news is, the guy I like more barely knows I exist. The good news is that we actually had a conversation this morning. The bad news is there's this other guy who likes me, and I don't like him. That's probably the worst news. Cos he's a really nice guy and stuff, but the absolute worst way to show it is to act like a lovesick puppy dog. I don't appreciate being gazed at by people I don't want to gaze at me. Is that too hard to understand? *sigh* Woo-hoo! I actually got some work done today! one of the huge projects I'm doing is this tree poetry project for English. one of the poems we had to write was an extended metaphor - the inspiration for mine hit me in a moment of late-night fatigue, which segued into a second wind after writing down the poem. I love it when that happens. Okay, so here's the poem: you are forever Icarus marooned brown trapped on a distant tiny island of grass surrounded by an ocean of concrete every spring you make your leafwings spread them all summer towards the sky towards the sun towards freedom and every summer you stretch a little closer but by autumn, that far-near orb has melted away every drop of waxy green and your ragged draggled wings burst into flame yellow-orange-red shatter and scatter to the pavement sea mercilessly destroyed by torrents and tidal waves of shoed feet but your body, stripped bare does not fall it is the same way every year you never learn - Kat C-B Mood: accomplished Music: Moloko - Fun for me

	2004.04.16  17.03 Holden Caulfield So we were talking about phonies in English today, cos we're reading the Catcher in the Rye (I heart J.D. Salinger), and I actually contributed to the discussion - something I haven't really done since we moved here. I think it's a good sign. Gaining a more solid footing, that sort of thing. God, it's about time. Mood: busy Music: monty python in the background - very distracting

	2004.04.16  17.00 HA! Rickmaniac - You are of a dreaded breed - the ones they call 'Rickmaniacs'. You eat, sleep, breathe, and live Rickman. This quiz was probably a complete breeze for you, and you probably could have done it five times blindfolded, while standing on one foot. Either that or you're damn good at guessing. How Much of an Alan Rickman Fan Are You? brought to you by Quizilla

	2004.04.07  21.23 erm... yeah, that was slightly less coherent than usual...I apologize. Mood: awake Music: still nothing

	2004.04.07  20.53 letting the days go by I have had a music practice every night after school this week. It's all in preparation for the valley league band competition on friday (we're seeded in first place, woot) and then a symphony competition on saturday. It should be interesting, if not totally mind-bogglingly thrilling. And lots of my friends will be there. Erlack...today was one of those days. Not so much a bad day as a completely blank and therefore depressing day. It made me lose my appetite. That and the fact that I am going to die alone. That's kind of depressing too. But eh, you win some, you lose some. I think the entire trumpet section thinks that Katrin and I are extremely dodgy people. They kept looking at us, when all we were doing was sitting on each other's butts and flexing. Okay, maybe that is kind of weird, but marching season was far weirder. Something trippy happened to me today...I was at my locker after 4th period and a guy who I will not name walked by and touched my arm and was like "how are you?" but by the time I figured out who it was he was out of earshot. But it reminded me of in Boise, when I'd see this other person in the hall. Mel has been asking me what Altagracia is, so I shall explain it. There is this really fantastic and amazing play called Icarus. It's by Edwin Sanchez. It's about this young guy in a wheelchair (Primitivo) and his older sister, Altagracia. Her face is somewhat deformed, but she's a really cool character. When it was playing in Boise I went to see it twice, once with my friend Diana. We started calling each other Primitivo and Altagracia, and it sort of stuck. Unlike most of my previous nicknames. But yeah. It's special, cos I love Diana to pieces. Mood: blank Music: nothing

	2004.04.06  17.59 broken Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for one reason or another - possibly, you made one tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't commit. In any case, you are faithless and joyless. You find no happiness, love, or acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most days are a burden and you wonder when the hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching picture. You are the one that few understand. Those that do know you are likely to love you deeply and wish that they could do something to ease your pain. You are constantly living in memories of better times and a better world. You are hard on yourself and self-critical or self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved, you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite your tainted nature, your soul is breathtakingly beautiful. Image is a painting by Natalya Nesterova, source:ca80.lehman.cuny.edu/.../ images/fallen_angel.jpg *~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~* brought to you by Quizilla hm...I suppose it's accurate, I took it like three times and got the same results. However, I think steel also applied to me. Mood: contemplative Music: Cornershop - candyman

	2004.04.05  21.18 Placebo *bellows off-key* MAKE NEW FRIENDS, BUT KEEP THE OO-OLD ONE IS SILVER BUT THE OTHER'S GOLD! A CIRCLE'S ROUND, IT HAS NO EE-END THAT'S HOW LONG I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND! woot! I learned that song in kindergarten, but it still applies. I have living proof that it IS possible to meet normal people online. Exhibit A: my friend Melanie. She goes to a different school but she is the coolest person I've met in a while. Okay, maybe not normal, but not a serial killer either. and we have lots of stuff in common, but more importantly different stuff to maintain...erm...something that I can't think of at the moment. anyways, she wrote me a sonnet today. How kickass is that? It's great because last week I was all depressed, like moreso than usual, but this weekend has been a complete 180, mainly due to Mel. She rocks my face off, to quote Randi. and then there's my new blue nail polish, which I heart. and my new quilted chinese jacket. And my new piano pieces which I heart. Everything's new and shiny. Except bedtime, which is as old as the hills. Goodnight, chickens! Mood: ecstatic Music: Dead Can Dance

	2004.03.27  12.41 Jazz Fantasia Drum on your drums, batter on your banjos, sob on the long cool winding saxophones. Go to it, O jazzmen. Carl Sandburg Mood: restless Music: Metallica - enter sandman

	2004.03.27  12.17 Mr Golightly's Holiday Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee? Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? Mood: discontent Music: Staind