I hate everything. As much as I tell myself that if I wanted to bad enough I could change, I cant. I hate how much I think about the past and how much I fucked everything up. I hate that I'll never come close to being what all my brothers are. I hate that the one person in my life who matters to me probably doesnt even think about me anymore. I hate how fake I am day in and day out as I give rich people their nonfat lattes. I hate how my parents dont even want me to be around my little brother because I will "corrupt him to my evil ways". I hate the entire mormon religion and I hate how my whole family hides behind it in their little comfort zones. I hate how Ive never once been able to talk to them about one thing in my life of real importance. I hate how ashamed they are of me. I hate how the shit that I take that makes "life easier" is getting harder. I hate how the people that I was best friends through high school with are strangers to the point of saying hi on aol is awkward. I think most of all though I hate myself. I hate who ive become almost more than I hate who i faked like i was in the past. I dont really think there is much of a point to my life anymore. Everynight I come home from work get extremely high and get lost in the music I love that eventually ends up in me drinking and crying myself to sleep. Im sick of feeling sorry for myself. Im sick of trying so fucking hard to be okay. Im sick of thinking about her. She was my reason to live and she is a stranger now. Im sick of trying to be something im not. I dont know why I havent ended all of this. I think Im going to. I think that this isnt going to be like a few years ago when it was a pathetic cry for help. Sadly I miss those days. Those days I had tons of friends and teachers and teammates and my family who were worried and cared and who helped me. Who I knew would miss me if I was gone. To anyone now who did care if i was gone, I dont think their pain could ever be anything near what I feel 24/7. I cant live on the hope anymore that things are going to get better, that time will heal things that have happened, that ill move on and get over this stuff. i dont know what else to do but give up. im so high right now i dont even know how im typing. i wish i could erase the past 18 years and start over. I took everything that was practically handed to me and threw it all away and i hate myself for it. I keep going over in my head how much in the past 4 years life has changed. My Sophomore year I had a million friends. I was class president. I was on homecoming court. I partied harder than anybody. I played basketball volleyball and softball. I drove a brand new yellow mustang. I dated guys and was rarely ever alone. I dont know how it all started but I through it all away. The beginning of this year I dropped out just a few credits short of graduating high school resulting in why im not far away at college right now, got kicked off all sports, became addicted to all sorts of shit, i dont really keep in contact with one single person from high school who i was "friends for life" with, sort of admitted to my homophobic mormon family that I was in love with a girl and couldnt help it, drove my beautiful mustang into a tree going 60 and yet somehow lived, lived after overdosing on purpose..........i guess im lucky to even be alive but look at how much i fucked it all up. I had everything going for me. I used to want to be a counselor and work with kids like me who were messing up their lives and help them so they dont end up dead. The only reason I made it through the past few years was Dayna. When I was a sophomore she was a freshman and sat next to me in geometry. I talked to her once in awhile but I was pretty "popular" I guess and such a shallow bitch that i didnt really give her the time of day because i thought i was in some way above people who werent "like me" and I knew I would be looked down upon for being around her. One day at school she told me she tried to kill herself the night before. I wanted to talk to her so I got her number and called her that night and we talked for hours. I spent a lot of nights talking to her. She said I saved her from killing herself. As much as anyone who knew me would say i was one of the happiest people they know i was dying inside from all the lies and i hated myself for so many reasons. I didnt have to fit into any roll with her, i could just be myself and i could talk about anything with her and she just had this understanding way about her. I didnt have to be fake like i was around everybody else. When I was around all my friends I acted really happy. I was known for doing crazy stuff but I was nice to everyone and always smiling. Everyone thought it was cool to get wasted with the class president who was mormon. I liked that people thought i was cool so i played the part and i played it well. When I got home I was surrounded by my large mormon family where it is a sin to drink a pepsi or date before your 18. My dad is the bishop of my church which is like the preacher in other religions. I was his daugther so i had to "set an example".So I did. I prayed and read the book of mormon with them. I went to church every morning before school with my brothers. Its called seminary from 6-7. I was always at a girlfriends house spending the night (but really out every night with diff people partying). They never questioned me really because when I was home I acted like their perfect daughter and I gave them no reason to worry. So pretty much I fitted into the mold of who people wanted me to be. With Dayna I didnt have to but even though I talked to her more than anyone else I would barely say hi to her in the hallways at school. God I was such a bitch. I was so caught up in the whole scene of it all but you can only go so long faking someone your not Its only so long before you stop caring about what they all think. I was getting really sick of it. Life began to fall apart. My parents searched my room finding a bag of marijuana and a few fifths and pictures of me partying and my journals which led to them finding out about most everything. As my life began to fall apart and hers did too we became even closer. Somehow we almost fed upon the each others pain. We said lines like "live for me if nothing else" and "if im not giving up u cant either". My parents freaked and sent me away to Arizona in the middle of the night for 6 weeks once and the only one i found myself missing was dayna. When I got back I was still friends with all the same old people but I didnt really want to be. things got really bad at home. my parents had 5 perfect sons before me who never even so much as watched an R rated movie and they had no clue what to do with me. when things got real bad...when i was kicked out of my house and on whatever drugs i could get my hands on and suicidal, i was completely living for her. I didnt care anymore about what everybody else thought. I was sick of sitting around in coffee shops during the week talking about clothes and college and guys. I was sick of hiding who I was and acting like a happy normal kid with all of them. I was sick of the fights with my parents that neverended. All we did was fight so I would leave and not come back for a few days. One time I called them to bail me out of jail and they didnt. When I did come back home all my stuff was put in a storage unit and they just handed me the key to it. I lived with friends but I got suspended the beginning of my senior year twice and it ended up that I got kicked off the basketball team and then I decided to drop out of school. When i dropped i fell hard and most all of my friends disappeared. I wasnt part of their social scene anymore and i had no desire at all to be so i said fuck all of it but I still had a few good friends that i was staying with and i worked at a pizza place all day. I would have just stayed with dayna but she lives with her rich dad who hates me. But I did spend a lot of time with her. Her life was pretty messed up to. I think a lot of our problems were more created by us than things that just happened. What I mean by that is that we we both have rich families, we both played sports, we both had friends, and we both got good grades and had the oppurtunity to do anything and not everyone has that oppurtunity. We through it away but I know that im lucky to have had it. Anyways, After like 6 weeks of living on peoples couches and figuring out rides to work with no car and all that my parents decided to let me come back home. They gave me one of their apartments to live in and helped me out with a car just so long as I went to church on sundays and came over for dinner once in awhile. I was starting to get my feet on the ground a little bit and at least I had a car and a job and a place i could call my own. I tried to stay away from most drugs too. Smoking weed and drinking were the worst i was doing. Dayna would leave and stay with me though all the time since i had my own place. When she got too many absences she dropped out of her junior year in like march. Her parents freaked out and forbid me to be anywhere near dayna. They said I manipulated her into dropping out of school and everything else. We had never had anything more than a really really strong bond and understanding between us but one night we were drunk at my place and talking and it just became way more. It always was for me though i couldnt admit it and I think I will remember that night for the rest of my life. We admitted that we were in love with each other. Thats when we both totally cut ourselves off from anybody else...lived completely for each other. Nothing mattered in my life but her. Not graduating high school or going to college. Not basketball. Not my old friends and Not my family. Nothing but her. I still for some reason cant consider myself...gay...but i still am in love with her. i know it doesnt make any sense. i was the happiest i had ever been when i was with her. she still lived with her dad so when i wasnt with her i wanted to be. I remember for my 18th birthday we had it planned to go to tennesee for a weekend but her dad kept insisting that they go to vegas for a few days. She didnt want to go but he kept calling and leaving messages on my machine and really wanted her to go with him. her parents got divorced when she was 16 and she lived with her dad. her mom lives close though and they still blame me for every single thing in daynas life that didnt turn out as they had planned for their only daughter. so her dad really wanted her to with him to vegas and i remember i didnt even know how i was gonna go a few days without her but she had to go with him. she called me when she got there and told me to go to her dads and she had a present for me in her room. there was a card that said that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and that im the only person shes ever loved and ever will love. She had never really said anything to that extent before and neither had I. We said we loved each other but that was as far as it went. I felt the same way about what she was saying though and wanted to tell her how i felt. I remember i had bought flowers for her and had a fifth of raspberry twist smirnoff (our fav drink) and i still have the letters i wrote her in the 3 days she was supposed to be gone. on the third day i got home from this church thing i had to go and i stopped by my parents house and my mom said she needed to talk to me and then she told me that she got a weird phone call from utah from dayna trying to get ahold of me saying she was in a home and on and on. i automatically started freaking out. she called a few hours later and i talked to her for like 2 minutes. her dad had tricked her into going to kolob canyons residental home in utah. it was like rehab sorta thing for teenage girls with problems. i remember her voice still and she made me promise i would be there for her when she got out. that she would be there for a few months. the only reason she was talking to me was cause she stole one of the counselors cell phones and was locked in the bathroom freaking out. after 2 min i got cut off and thats the last time i have heard her voice. that was may 1st. i remember right way i wanted to kill myself. 5 days later i convinced my parents to buy me a plane ticket to Arizona to live in one of my grandmas apartments. I told them it was because I wanted to get away from some bad influences so they went along with it. But it was because I had a dumb idea I could maybe get her out since she was only a few hours away from where I would be staying and I couldnt be in my apartment. Everything reminded me of her. EVERYTHING. All of her stuff was everywhere, everywhere i looked made me cry. i think the only reason i didnt kill myself was because i was convinced i would get her out of there. once in got to arizona i realized if i did get her out what then? with no money and definitely no family support how would it work? So I lived on meth for a few weeks with my cousins in Az and then realized I was doing shit with my life and I had to go back home plus my parents kinda wanted me to I think surprisingly. They wouldnt admit it but I know they were glad Dayna was gone. For all I know they talked to her dad about the whole thing. They were in complete denial that we were together as obvious as it had to have been at times. I think they still had a little hope that they could still save me from where i was headed. i believe that is...everlasting hell as they put it. so i came back home. for the past almost 5 months ive spent everyday missing her and living on pure hope alone. i have made no real attempts to meet new people or restore friendships with anyone or anything. im closer to my family but we never talk about the past or anything of importance. just everyday stuff. ive got my life together but everything ive done was with her in mind. I worked out, went tanning, and bought new clothes so id look good when she got home. I bought cool furniture and remodeled and made my apartment awesome cause it would be fun to hangout in when she gets back. I took out a loan and got a baby blue explorer sport because we like that car. I got a job full time at starbucks to pass the time till she gets back and save money for us. my whole life was centered around when she gets back. In 4 months I heard from her once. I got an email exactly a month after she was "locked up" that said she loved me nothing changed and i had to keep being strong for both of us. I was living on hope. Then for 3 months...nothing. I found out from one of her other friends who she didnt even care about that she was getting tons of letters from her and that she was doing good and would be home to start her senior year august 23rd just like 3 weeks ago. As it got closer to august 23rd i decided i was more scared than excited for her to come back. I was pathetically comfortable in my little world of hope...hope that she would love me as much as i love her when she got home. her coming home was scary. i got a call from her dad like a week before she was supposed to be home and he said he had a letter for me. he came to my apt and gave it to me. i was so nervous to open it. it was a fax from dayna from utah and it was the most horrible letter i have ever read. it said things like she has "spent months recovering from what i manipulated her into"...that i "need to get a fucking life"...that i was "part of her past and have no chance at being part of her future". my pathetically smug little life came crashing down. i skipped work got wasted and again faced suicide. I didnt do it because I convinced myself later that she didnt write the letter cause it was typed and DEFINITELY didnt sound like her, that it was her dads desperate attemept to keep us apart forever. Im still in denial that she could feel that way. a few days later i log on after work...its like 11 or so at night and shes fucking online. i freaked out...her profile is the same as it was in may..."to my best friend.....blah blah" all this stuff to me and how much she loves me. she had an away message saying "just got back from a long 4 months in utah" so i stared at the computer chain smoking till 3 am when she comes back online. I had no idea what to say but i asked her if she wrote that letter and she avoided the question and acted weird. She just said she had to go back to utah for another month but wanted to see me before she left. I never saw her, she never called. So i guess this is where i have to somehow forget about her. somehow accept that this home changed her and accept she doesnt love me. somehow move on with my life. i dont even know whats keeping me going anymore. ive been high for the past 2 weeks nonstop. i put everything that reminds me of her in a few huge boxes in my closets yet still a ton of stuff makes me think of her that i cant do anything about. i cry myself to sleep. I put in a request for as many hours as possible at work. At starbucks you have to be really friendly with everyone and I am good at doing that. Most usually im high...Nobody I work with knows and I am nice to all of them but they have no idea who I am................I guess the saddest part is i still think that maybe we will still end up together and Im still in love with her. My head says Im an idiot but i cant help but think stupid things like maybe she had to do that or her dad would have paid another 50 grand to keep her there till she turns 18. she comes home for good next week. im afraid to death to see her. i think that will be the worst is to see her and know she is happy without me. as much as i know that our realationship was "unhealthy" and that we depended on each other way to much and that we were both so involved with each other that we werent really in reality and as much as the few people who i knew then and i know now like my family say im doing 10 times better than i ever was doing when i was with her....i would do anything in a heartbeat for her and to be with her again. My let my 16 yr old brother who is the only person ive talked to about this to read the letter that her dad gave me from her. He told me that i dont need her and that im doing so good without her but I am fucked up. I wish I could relive the past 4 years. I wish I was with some GUY that all my brothers and their wives and my whole family loved and I wish I was far away living in a dorm partying with friends and being a normal 18 year old girl and not alone and so sad. I cant believe im writing all of this. I didnt even plan on it i just kept typing. i wonder if anyone will ever read this probably not but if u do i hope im not alive to ever post again. every time i get in my car i hope i get in a bad accident and die. i hope tonight if i drink enough and smoke enough and snort enough that i wont wake up tomorrow. i cant live like this anymore. i cant take it anymore. im sooooooo tired of life. i dont blame anything on anyone but myself i know im right where i am because of the stupid decisions ive made. i feel bad because my little brother comes over sometimes and even though im messed up i act like im not and i listen to him and we are sorta friends and i know it will sorta hurt him if i leave but i have to. i just do. if he ever reads this i want him to know i love him. im a great example of what not to do in life.