| I can hear them whisper and It makes me think thier must be something wrong with me |
[16 Jun 2003|01:18am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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I was only 17-not sure who sings it its areally sad song tho |
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Have you ever walked into a room and you know that every one was just talking about you and not in a good way? Like they were talking about what was wrong with you? And its not just a feeling they really were talking about you and the ones that weren't talking about you were thinking something. They were thinking how weird you are and why can't you just be like every one else. Yet another reason I am glad I am out of school I remember most of the time I would walk in math most of the girls would quit talking. And I knew by the way they were looking at me they were talking about me. I over hear them half the time and its not be paranoid. I used to think there was something wrong with me and that every one else was normal and I was just some freak with issues. Now I think Im the normal one and Every one else is just living something that isn't real. I mean how can you live off gossip? It won't get you a job, it won't get you out of here. All it does is make you loose friends. It doesn't matter any way. I have no friends I can talk to. I mean I have ones that I can trust but I won't trust them if it makes any sense. I mean I have friends that trust me with anything but I can't trust them back..I mean I could if I wanted too..its just..and its not that I don't want too. I mean they try but they don't understand me. No one does. If any one does its not like they care. If any one cares it would be nice to know it. I dont open up to people until they have opened up to me and sometimes not even after that. I have to have some kinda trust that they will understand me. Every person that has ever even tried to get me to trust them didn't understand me. I don't even bother getting close to people and I wouldnt bother getting close to me. I am an awful person, an awful friend, The shortest list in the world would be good things about me..why? because thier isn't any.
My parents used to always threaten to send me to a shrink. They thought I was crazy. Most people don't know but the first time I got depressed I was only 3 and my hair fell out. I'm not crazy. I don't know whats wrong with me but something is. I wish I knew one other person in the world I could talk to that was like me. Who knows I probaly wouldn't even talk to them because I would feel like I was bothering them and I hate the feeling that im bothering people.
My mom ugh. She hates me. She would never go after my sister or hit her the way she does me. I kinda caused a scene in the airport..She was yelling at me over something stupid so she hit me over something I didn't do and I yelled a buch of crap. That woman should be put in a child abuse place. One night while I was on Vacation she locked me in the room and went after me hitting me but my dad stopped her that time. Wow one time out of a zillion. I got a scar now from that night now too. I don't know what Im going to tell people about how I got it. I guess I can say I tripped or something I do that alot any way. Well i wont bore you any more..wait..no one really reads this so I have no one to bore..oh well
x0x amanda**
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| just got home |
[15 Jun 2003|04:46pm] |
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just got back from vaca..ill write more later!
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| why? |
[07 Jun 2003|05:59pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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simple plan -perfect |
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People are so weird. They always want you to be someone else when you can't be some one else. I can't be my sister. I can't be the person people cry on all the time. I seriously think people forget I am human. I mean when ever some one has a problem and need to cry they call me but when im upset they don't care. What do I do? I sit and write in a journal and like it listins?! Okay I am going to pretend it does. Then my mom wants me to be like my YOUNGER sister. I can't do that. I guess I missed out on the care factor. I honestly do not care who is dating who or who made out with who at the movies..i mean thats just great but I dont care. My mom always tells me I should care what people think about me and she doesn't understand why I don't. People don't understand me simple as that. I can't think of any one who does. The song of today is now Simple Plan's Perfect..the lyrics are my life take out the dad and ad the mom...she actually hit me for no reason the other day. ugh who cares any way.
x0x manda**
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
Do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
'Cuz it hurst when you disapprove all doing
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spend with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
'Cuz you don't understand
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| Blah |
[07 Jun 2003|05:50pm] |
I have no idea what to put here. Xanga journals are so much better no ofence. It's just easier and looks prettier. I probaly won't update this alot.
x0x manda**
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