10:27am 18/07/2003
mood: amused
blah bla blah blah blah blah blah blah. I'm getting so bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol My hair is white orange and pink. Horray!
Ex-best friends SUCK   
11:34pm 08/06/2003
mood: drained
Ok, now that i've allowed myself to really think about my past and who all was in it, i've gotten a better, more clearer insight? Allow me to enlighten you. Suspect #1: Jessie. Person whom i've always looked up to. I wanted to be her, to live her life, to look the way she did, to act the way she did. I guess that was just too much for her?? She got sick of me, skrewed me over, not to mention lie to me for a whole freakin' year abt giving some guy a blow job, and denied it abt 3 times. Oh but did i learn, NOOOOO!!! Ok, lets move on...Suspect #2:Josh. Talk about a backstabber. I know(well i think i know) he would never hurt me intentionally, but i come to find out he KNEW i was in love with him. Maybe that's not such a bad thing for ya'll, but let me give you the 411...Did that stop him from fuckin' touchin' me, and, and, and, wanting me to touch him..no..he said it was fine, that it was all gonna be alright, and that it's what best friends do when, when, they're comfortable with eachother.......................................................................i believed him. i believed him, ya know? The first time he touched me, god, i cried. I fuckin cried in front of him. Maybe i knew it was wrong. Nothing could have stopped me tho. i love him so much, i thought by him wanting me to touch him like that, i thought he was feeling it too. Who wouldnt think that? You cant possibly tell me that if you and your best friend are sitting in a dark parking lot, alone, and he says will you touch my dick, you wouldnt think he was thinking of you as more then a best friend? cmon now, he freakin' USED me. my best friend....used me. i was nothing more to him than a convenience....a mere dog toy, who would always come running back to him after he treated me like shit. How could i have been so stupid. I should have known better. Right?
man o man   
02:40pm 24/05/2003
mood: indescribable
God today was great, and yesterday, and the day before. It's a great streak to be on. I havent felt this way since before....amanda and josh happened. Things couldnt be better. For once i am honestly and completely happy. Dude, i just dont know what to do with myself. I owe it all to her. She did the best thing for me that she could think of, talk to me for my sake, and it worked like a charm. I needed that. All's ok with everybody else, and JJ might be callin' me tonight, so that's good too. He keeps me sane too :) well, i've got nothing to complain about, which is totally new for me....peace out :)
oh ya   
08:43pm 22/05/2003
mood: jubilant
after work, this guy who is like my "soulmate best friend" and i went out to eat, and i dunno....i dont like him that way at all, but he's just perfect for me ya know? he makes me feel whole, and important, and belongs somewhere. He's cute and all, but i could never fall for him. He filled me in on stuff, and honestly, it was the best confersation i've had....ever. I hope we get to do it again, i just hope nobody gets the wrong impression. I hate rumors at work, they suck.
sky is blue, once again...   
08:34pm 22/05/2003
mood: ecstatic
music: La La La La La
Dude, today...ya, the happiest day i've had in FOREVER. For the first time in a long while, i laughed AND actually meant it. She freakin' talked to me, she freakin' looked at me, she freakin' thought about ME!!! How cool is that!? I'm not saying things are perfect between us, they probably never will me. But damn this is a miracle. We had a tiny conversation, more then i thought we would ever have again. i hope it continues. I know she could never forgive me for what happed, or fully understand what happened, but at least she gave me a chance, ya know? Isnt that what friendship is all about? For once all day, i didnt think about josh or my feelings for him or the fact that he hurt me along with jessie. NO!!! Molly, god, she'll always be my sis, no matter what she feels against me, even hate. I had a bond with her like no other. Once she even said that i was the one she went to talk to about certain things, that was a good day too. *sigh* i've really missed her (if you havent already got that) I could go on for hours, but i'm not, cause this is boring shit to whomever DOESNT know the story. I would stop smiling, but thats just not possible right now.............. :)
no wonder   
11:49pm 17/05/2003
mood: curious
music: linkin park
hehe, i just looked back and read all my entries. I'm really very pathetic. I wish i could stop. Some might even think im gay or something(which there's nothing wrong with that at all) i just hate bein' labled, that's all. When i was young(well, abt the 7th grade) i used to always envy those who were best friends with guys. I always wanted that kind of relationship. Then when i finally get it, i cant seem to hang on to him. I know what the best thing for him is, it's just really hard acting on it. But what's best for me? Cant i be a little selfish in times like these. all my life i've been doin' shit just because i wanna make other people happy. Would i rather make myself happy and ruin the lives of other people? no, i didnt think so. For once i wanna do something for myself. That makes ME happy. From now on im gonna try....First thing on my list, gettin' laid :)
It's a damn cold night...   
09:43pm 16/05/2003
mood: crappy
music: Bowling For Soup
I wish life was better, but i bet everybody else does too. So why should i think i deserve it? I mean not only did i lose one of the most closest person to me, disengage myself from anything and everything i once enjoyed, and oh ya, ruin my entire life by a single action, what the hell!! I only wanna talk to her, maybe not now, or even sometime soon, i just wanna get her to understand. She was my sis, ya know? What happened got out of control, over dramatized, and now i cant even look at her. I'm so ashamed. She was the best friend i always wanted. Josh? huh. i dunno what's up with him, part of me doesnt wanna bother. He's off runnin' around with a friend of mine, enough said. No one understands me, all they do is laugh and make fun of me. Where am i gonna find a place of my own where i belong. I have yet to find it. Me and Jess? Ha, thats a joke. I feel so stupid to think we might remotely be like we were before. Man was i stupid. I'd give anything to go back in time. LoL, i'm so pathetic. My car? Yes MY car. It's the only thing i know that's not gonna get upset at what i think and feel, and no matter what, isnt gonna leave me behind, just like everything\everyone else did. I wanna boyfriend. But i know if i cant even put up with myself why should a guy? I'm ugly too. So basically i'm screwed in every way imaginable: friends, a boyfriend, school, family. Damn, my life is a mess. I need her.
08:52pm 27/03/2003
mood: crushed
music: trapt
man, i havent written in quite a while...sorry...havent had any motivation. Ever wonder why life goes great for some people, while the others are left stranded. Im lost. Mostly with no one to turn to. Im holding back from everything and everyone i find "threatening" just so i wont get hurt in anyway. perhaps im hurting myself even more by doing that. do i care tho? i wont stop. Writing to myself helps, i know no one will ever read this, and if they do, they dont me and would probably think i'm pathetic anyway but so does the rest of the world so i've learned to live with it.
im contemplating my best friend at the moment. He's perfect for me. *josh* do i love him?-without a doubt. does he love me?-absoltely not. i wish he'd at least pretend. For almost 3 years now i've stood by in the shadows watching everybody have their take on him (not like he's a prize to be won) but god, he's just so good for me. I need him in every way possible. When we're out together its like there's no other better place to be, when we do the things we do, it just feels so right and understandable. why doesnt he freakin' see it? i would never hurt him like everybody else does. I couldnt. he's too nice and sweet and great to talk to. when we get in fights, its like the worst moments in my life. but damn, it hurts not to be loved by the one true person you know is the one. perhaps another year or two.....
what comes next?   
08:15pm 20/03/2003
mood: blank
music: the trumpet song at funerals for servicemen(in my head)
yes, as a matter of fact,it does bother me. The fact that my brother might get blown away by some of those iraq people just creeps me out. Im numb. I dont know what to feel, how to feel it, or when to feel it. I dont wanna bother with it. It's just too much pain. *Josh* keeps me sane though. He's the only one with that power. He's been with me through everything. I'd give him my soul if i could. hmmm, maybe i'll look into that. Another boring day at school but what else is new.
And she said....   
10:09pm 19/03/2003
mood: blah
music: in my head
First entry ever, its kinda neat. I always wanted to do something like this. Yay! I dont know how boring i'll be, but here goes. Today was kinda a sucky day. Fueding with friends mostly on the brain. I never knew my life could be this lonely. I was the one who was always making friends and always had someone to hang out with. What happened? I'll tell you what happened. Change. People grow up and become better(or so they think) They take on this newer attitude of being on top of the world. I hate that. For any of you reading here's the update: My best friend *Jessie* and i got in this 7 month long fight where she basically screwed me over majorly. I found better friends to take me under their wings. Last month *Jessie* and i started talking again, they found out, got angry, threatened to hurt her and even killed her. I couldnt take it. That's wrong. I went to the counselors office, tried to get them help, and now *Jessie's* pressing charges. I did the right thing tho, right? *sigh* I try to help people out. It never works. Im a failure