just me's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] just me [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

annoying thoughts crawling in my head [11 Feb 2004|09:25pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | crutch - matchbox 20 ] I havent updated in a while... here you go I can't get away from being reminded of you even when you're away. There's just too many coincidences in this world. I'm so glad I didn't wake up with a hangover. This morning's fantasy, Chris and I in a bed. Hot. But it wouldn't compare to a lazy afternoon on a couch with you, tentatively putting your hand up my top. I'm attracted to so many different types of people. One would think I could find someone. most things just aren't meant to be. Face it - we don't want each other to be with anybody else, but we want other people for ourselves... and we like to let each other know that. We're so ridiculous. I just want to sit in a soda shop (where the fuck is one? I should open one in the future) with you, drinking a thick chocolate malt with one hand on your thigh. Sorry I touch you so much. It must annoy you. However, you do the same to me. It doesn't annoy me... but it stops me from being with others. Come back. I miss you. But I know that when you come back, I'll be pissed off by all your stories about other women. I want to date a guy. Call me greedy, but it's true. I'm so tired of having attraction-spark with people I won't see for years, or won't ever keep in contact with. These things go nowhere, despite both of us flirting in that "you're so good-looking" way. Last night was a little different, though. Yes, we had that attraction, but it was more of an appreciation of each other. He was beautiful... it was like we had no problem just standing there and just acknowledging that we each thought the other was radiant. It's rare to get that, but lately I've been getting it more. Is that because I'm happy when I see these people? Or just because I'm tipsy and friendly? I don't want to go out without Her anymore. I hated going out with them alone. They're so teeny-bopper, it's not even funny. Sitting around with poser freaks who can't dance is not my idea of a good time. Watching my friends lick awful guys' tonsils is not something that betters my life in any way. I wanted Her with me. Of course I was thinking of you in my drunken haze last night. I convinced myself that you were kissing some little perfect female and putting your face on hers like you do to me. It upsets me that we're the stupidest pair of people that I know. We shouldn't even waste each others' time with each other, but sadly we've got each other hooked and it can't change. Nor do I want it to. Here's an observation I made today: ugly, heartless people belong together. Envious bitches who ride their high horse usually end up with the world's most incredible sleazes, and they live their lives in a charisma-free existence. They can say nasty things about me to my face, but it doesn't faze me... because I know that I'm not that petty. And I won't end up with the first asshole who pays me attention. This song reminds me of you, though it shouldn't. Everything reminds me of you. Don't you dare leave me when you come back. I can't believe I'm sitting here waiting for you. I do it all the time. No wonder I drink so often. I love living in such a seedy suburb. I love it that the peep-show blares weak Aussie pop out of its doors at 5pm. I love it that that the skinny white boys with dark under-eye circles and pierced septums are the nicest people out on a Saturday night. I love being completely comfortable. I love that it's my home. I love being there. But then there is you. You mess things up. You make things easier. I hate everyone but you. I love everyone but you. I don't really know how I feel about anyone anymore. Is it me that can't make up my mind, or just people who keep making me change my mind? I was pissed off at you today for thinking I'll just be waiting around for you all day. It doesn't happen that way, I'm sorry to say. I was glad that I got to leave the way I did. And I'm not worried that you'll be upset. Anyway, that is what I've missed. I've missed being able to be spontaneous with him. I don't know how I feel about that girl liking him, though. He thinks you want me. Do you? I don't think so... but other times I just don't know. I need to be touched up and held down a bit. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I just want something to help me forget that, if only for a moment. I didn't hear from you last night. I know it's my turn to contact you... but I didn't like your last message. CRUTCH - MATCHBOX 20 I don't want to be the crutch One step away from down I don't want to be the crutch One step away from... Man I feel like hell so come on over Be a love machine and I could be your friend Ain't no shame feel strong for one another Make a real true color come end to end then God damn, change of pace I think there's still a piece of my heart on your face It's a shame to let it waste How does it taste? How does it taste? Break it down in pieces, make it simple 'Cause you know damn well that I'm a simple man All these things go changing like the weather And they stay that way until the weather man says One down, gone to waste I think there's still a piece of that smile on your face And I would like to see it erased There ain't no two ways about it I don't want to be the crutch One step away from down I don't want to be the crutch One step away from down, down, down Bring it on then gone, use a lover Like a cigarette the way that lovers do One sweet song that starts a little slow and Then goes on and on and makes you want to Move around the room in circles Everybody wants to be you Try to find my place up on the map Of all men you've been through Dig a little deeper and you'll realize All I'm building up you're tearing down I don't want to be the crutch One step away from down I don't want to be the crutch One step away from down, down, down, down, down All you needed was a crutch One step away from down I could never be your crutch I could break you down post comment

argh.... [24 Jan 2004|02:27pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | fuck you - ani difranco ] Okay so I went out last night... and yes I drank, haha so much for me not ever drinking again. But this time it was fun, I saw so many people from school who I haven't seen since graduating. I caught up with a lot of them and I was pleased to see that they are going well. It was weird at first, they were a bit hesitent to talk to me, because of the circumstances at school. Our grade was small, only 100 kids, and we had all been to school with eachother since grade 8. I was in the 'popular' group, and the rest of the grade hated us lol, but somehow we were popular. oh well. annnnyway, back to last night, it was excellent, I saw heaps of people, had a dance, played pool and won! Tonight I'm going out again, but I'm not indulging drinking... just the other stuff.... hopefully... if not, I don't think I can drink again, man I was smashed. I am so tired and so so so hungry, butI can't be bothered to make anything, and I feel like macca's, but no car :( what's a girl to do.. Anyway I'm off, "Peach out" -- hahah lol lol post comment

------ *blank face*------ [19 Jan 2004|10:46pm] hey ya! well everything is cool with me and matt.. just had to have a few words... it was awkward at first, but we were both mature enough to have a discussion and sort it out... turns out we both had different stories and we both assumed things that we shouldn't have.. (matty.. im sorry sweetie) I haven't been doing much lately, just working... going out... meeting up with old friends making new friends. I've finished 3 subjects for tafe, and I've submitted them.. cross your fingers that I pass. anyway this is only a short journal entry.. im off to bed, very tired, somewhat cranky. nite.. peach out. post comment

............ [17 Jan 2004|09:42am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | matchbox 20 - rest stop ] Sometimes I lose it and get so drunk I can only remember splashes of the night. Last night was one of those nights and I don't want it to ever happen again. I think Matt and I may have lost our friendship last night - it's fucking pathetic because I can't really remember our fight when I got home or what was said. I remember me crying, sitting on the bathroom floor, clutching my head and thinking - "You are as pathetic and as weak willed as your father. You have really truly fucked things beyond repair." I think I get so drunk because I use it to escape from everything I hate about myself and my life - but blah blah blah those reasons can only get you so far - and they can't justify you treating your beautiful friend like shit. I can honestly say that I don't deserve him. He deserves so much more - much more than a binge drinking, fucked up friend. He's always there for me to talk to about the issues I have - but instead of confinding in the person that loves me - I drink myself into a state that just ends up fucking me over. I AM just like my father - a drunk that uses alcohol to escape. I AM just like my father - an arrogant, self absorbed idiot who doesn't realise just how much they had until they're watching it walk away. And by then, it's too late. If he doesn’t forgive me, I don't think I'll ever be the same. He will leave with my heart in his pocket. So I sat in that niteclub last night, drinking and drinking and ignoring my friends' attempts to leave - so I could do what? Drink more and sit there and talk to randoms from high school? It's fucking pathetic and I'm so ashamed of myself. I want to crawl under a rock and die. I made an absolute idiot of myself last night and that is why I'm not drinking anymore. It's not worth the hangover, the embarrassment and fights. If I can't control myself then I shouldn't do it at all. A person can only have so many chances - and I think I've used and wasted all mine up. I have no idea what he's going to do. I have no idea what to say to him when we talk about it. I could say all the normal things - "Please don't be angry. I won't hurt you again. I'm sorry". Except, saying sorry seems so pointless and insignificant, when there are so many more powerful and meaningful words I can say to him about how I feel. I find it so hard to let the words leave my mouth and reach his ears - I seem to freeze and choke up everytime we approach the subject. I told him that I understand why he wants to ignore me. I need to tell him that there won't be a next time. I need to tell him that I need him in my life. I need to tell him that I want him in my life. I need to tell him that I love him and I'll be lost if he leaves me. I'm going to talk to him today and sort it all out. I want closure - whether it be a happy or sad ending. post comment

happy..very happy [07 Jan 2004|10:34pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | Match Box 20 - Closing Time ] I am completely fascinated by him. I love the time we spend together. I love the conversations we have. He is so intelligent. So thoughtful. I’ve known him for years and I have always felt special around him. I wouldn’t change a thing about his personality. He knows when to joke. He knows when to be serious. He is polite. He is gorgeous. I often surprise myself at who I find myself attracted to. I have known Mr Mickey for a long time and I wouldn’t of imagined myself ‘with’ him. We were very close up until the end of grade 12. I moved to Brisbane, and he moved to Cairns. I came back to Mackay and I never really ‘bothered’ to call him, and when I saw him it was my trade mark ‘hey ya! whatcha doing? hey I better keep moving, see you later’ Then a few weeks ago, he rung me and asked me to go to the pub and have a few drinks with him. I didn’t feel like going, but I thought ‘what the hey, no sense being rude’ and I reluctantly wandered down to the pub. It turned out to be a really good night, we got on excellently like in the old days, and we genuinely enjoyed each others company. Having realised this, we began to hang out more and more. It’s excellent.. we know that we like each other, we’re not out fucking other people, we hang out all the time, we have intelligent conversations, we ask each other our opinions, and we really respect each other. It’s a perfect ‘relationship’. I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I hate all the ‘rules’ and ‘responsibility’ that comes with the tag. We are definitely not ‘casual’ sex buddies, and we’re definitely not being used by each other. I know he cares about me, and I care deeply about him. I love him, but definitely only as a friend. We don’t fight, we don’t misinterpret each other and we don’t annoy each other. I don’t find myself getting jealous with him. Which is a HUGE relief. There was one stage where -no matter- who I was with, I couldn’t deal with my jealousy. All in all, I think my life is getting better by the day. I’m not talking about incidents in life, there’s always going to be that one person who annoys you, the one person who takes too long to order in a line, one annoying mother screaming at her kids, I’m talking about my ‘life’ - the direction it’s going, the path I’m slowing carving. There’s one thing, one person I need to withdraw from.. he takes too much of my energy. He is so lethargic. So negative. I can literately feel my energy getting sucked out and my smile slowing turning into a frown. He is so grumpy, so sullen, and so selfish. I’ve spoken about him in previous posts but I can’t seem to shake this bad vibe he’s been giving me. But can I really say to someone who I genuinely fell in love with (not anymore) ‘hey buddy, you’re really starting to shit me because you’re so negative. I never want to acknowledge you again’ I try to say it in nicer ways, but my message doesn’t seem to get across. It’s almost like.. if I say I’m happy, he’ll try as hard as he can to make me unhappy.. I don’t know if that makes sense, I’m just babbling now.. but hey, it’s how I feel. I think there is something definitely wrong when I find myself wishing that I had never met him. I think I know the reason why I feel I have to help him, share my opinions, acknowledge him... I think it’s because at the end of the day, I know I can make it through anything, I am stronger than him. Or maybe it’s because I know I’ll always be happier than him... These feelings haven’t just surfaced. I’ve been feeling this way about him for a long time now hoping that the mean thoughts I have of him will go away... that they don’t really have much substance... this is untrue. These feelings have stemmed from somewhere. This lyric by MatchBox 20 really made me think, it goes like this: “While you were sleeping, I was listening to the radio and wondering what you were dreaming, when it came to mind that I don’t really care” I feel that when he rings me out of the blue, when he goes on MSN and pours his black heart out about his woes that I’m obliged to help him. Why is this so? He has never helped me, and he won’t ever help himself. I've invested so much into our friendship - so forgive me for being so insecure. I know that I’m feeling this way is because of my insecurity. I don't know how to stop being insecure - I probably always will be. I just need him to be there to reassure me. My imagination runs wild and then these stupid thoughts pollute my brain. post comment

tribute to maccie [06 Jan 2004|08:53am] My dog died last night... he was 14 years old. His name was Max and he was the most loyal cheeky little dog that ever lived. He was beautiful with deep brown eyes. My dad rung me at 9:30pm and said 'Bubby... you should come home and see Max, he's not very well' I started bawling as soon as he said that and got in my car and raced to be with Max. When I saw him I was in shock... he couldn't move, he couldn't breathe, i picked him up when I got home and sat with him for a few good hours and saying precious words to him like 'you've been a beautiful dog for 14 years.... don't be scared max...' I went home at about 11:30pm, i hated leaving, he kept crying and wimpering. Mum called me at 12 to tell me he had died in her arms.. you all might think I'm being too dramatic about my dog dying.. but he was a huge part of me, my growing up, my family. He was also my Nana's dog before we took him, and my nan passed away last year, so it was like a double blow. I have so many funny and cute photo's of him.. he'll always live on in my heart. So to max: Thank you for protecting our family for 14 years, you did a great job. You'll go to doggie heaven, where you can play with all the other puppies. love you boy... you are very precious. 1 comment|post comment

Something a little extra [04 Jan 2004|11:07pm] [ mood | thankful ] [ music | Hang - Matchbox 20 ] Hey Beautiful! You deserve the best day ever :) I know you're in Brisbane and I'm here, but I am thinking of you! I loved hearing your voice on the phone today, it brings me peace. You have a voice of an angel and you have the ability to brighten up everyone's day. Sweetie, don't stress too much about the things that have happened lately. 2004 is a fresh start and I will always be here for you, through thick and thin, till death do us part :P I sometimes get scared about the things you say. Don't be silly... keep that head tightly screwed on. It's not true that I don't have bad days.. I have bad days all the time, but I don't dwell on them, my theory is 'get over it and move on' it's hard.. definately, but things are never so bad that nothing can be done to solve the problem. Don't get upset and think that you're annoying me by asking my advice and opinions, that's what friends are for! I love the fact that you can come to me and pour your beautiful heart out. It's needed. Talking to someone who you know you can trust and rely on is the best way to deal with the demons. (they're not that scary). All you need to know at the moment is I am here for you, and I will do anything I can to help you. It's okay to cry on my shoulder, it's okay to scream abuse at me, it's okay to vent all your feelings and emotions to me. That's why I am here. I love you darling!!! Please keep smiling... after the rain there is a beautiful rainbow. You are a wonderful friend. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me over the years. You are truely an angel in disguise. - Kudos! 1 comment|post comment

A Fresh Start..... 2004 [04 Jan 2004|11:04pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Hang - Matchbox 20 ] I am excited, very very excited. I have just applied at 3 companies for a cabin crew job. I am confident that I am skilled enough to do the job required, but I'm not confident that I'll obtain this dream job. I have made a list of goals that I want to complete by the end of the year. These goals have made me happier because I have something to work towards. They have been small and easy, but I am slowly making them harder and even more challenging. I think that is part of the reason why I have been so happy for ages and ages. It's weird... I just changed my outlook on things... and everything just followed. I have taken a lot of time to reflect on my year living 2003. I'm no longer angry at how things worked out. I no longer hold resentment against certain people for the direction that life took. I had a difficult 2003, with things that shouldn't of happened, and I had an excellent 2003 where I'm thankful for the experiences I had to endure. I am a stronger, happier and wiser person. This person is deliberately trying to get away from people that care. You aren't going to see them caring if you pull away, and I am sick of chasing this person then being 'thrown back'. I am just going to let you do what you want, because you have blantently acted like this is something that you dont see that i am doing, or dont care about. I will be ready when you are, but obviously what I have been doing doesn't matter to you, or you want me to keep chasing. do what you want, just dont get angry at me for what you have forced me to do. I feel really seperated from my friends. I think most of this is my fault. I don't let them inside my head very often and when I do - it's never more than a casual conversation about something not very important. They must feel like they don't know me very well - or they feel like they aren't that close to me. This makes me sad but I know it is my doing - and only I can change this. She has gorgeous, creamy skin and these beautiful, big eyes. She had a hickey on her neck today when she came around. Matt teased her about it. She knows that we like her and she feels the same way. She looked so pretty today even with a hangover. I like the way she laughs and I love the way she never raises her voice. She looks so gentle and calm. I'm glad it's ok to like her........... 2 comments|post comment

hey ya... [29 Dec 2003|05:45pm] HEY YA!!! nothing has been going on lately.. fuck all really, I had the BEST weekend and an excellent Christmas now I'm waiting for an equally excellent "New YEARS!!!" - my best friend gets back tomorrow from spending a year in Austria on exchange, happy times all round! When I went out on Saturday night I saw a lot of people who I haven't really bothered to continue the friendship with, this saddens and dissapoints me as I am a big preacher about friendships, so I bit the bullet swallowed my pride and approched them. It turns out I had nothing to worry about and I spent most of the night with these people. I also spoke to people who I wouldn't usually speak to.. I've got no bad feelings towards anyone and from what I gather no one has bad feelings towards me (people that matter anyway) This bitch I know, Renae, thinks she is top shit, and we had a bit of a run in a few weeks back and I saw her dancing so I went over and started dancing next to our friend Sam. We were talking for a while and she plainly ignored me and I turned around to walk off and she turns around and does this whole 'hey jayne!' - it was really fake - so i marched up to her and said 'look slut, if you're going to say hello to me in a bitchy tone, don't bother saying it at all hey' and she's like 'oh man im sorry, lets not fight' so mehhhh i had a few drinks with her acted like a slut and i was on my way. I really like this guy called Michael. We've known eachother for a few years and only recently started hanging out together again. I spent heaps of saturday night with him and he came home with us and we didn't get to sleep until 10am.. but that's because of the drugs! But over all, he's a very cool guy and who knows!! Maybe something will happen! I had a few drinks with nicco as well on Saturday night.. it was strange because we acted as if we were going out again, you know the usual things 'babe im just going to get a drink' - 'babe you look beautiful tonight' and he spent most of the time together with me holding my hand or being protective like he usually is, i missed it, but I know we're so much better as mates! And anyway, he's trying to hook in with this really beautiful chick.. I think her name is emma! LOL, nah, emma's a mate of mine and has a crush on little nicco, go for it georgous!! Okay im off now! CYA! Katie: hey ya crazy cat, thanks for the chat the other night, it worked wonders, things are cool now, and progressing excellently :) I'm having a ball hanging out with him and just being a dickhead in general. I'm so happy for you and Jimmy!! I know you don't want to say the 'L' word yet.. but do it when it feels right sweety! Matty: hello hello my darling. I hope you had a wonderful christmas, I have something special waiting for you! Thanks for scoring the other night, I would have been lost without you. - even though I wish you came with me to get it, those guys were sooo scary!! - love ya, have a good one. 1 comment|post comment

[08 Dec 2003|12:06pm] HA! (that's my new thang) puh-lease in a big WAY to his direction. I think he REALLY does think that he has the world on his shoulders, yet, he's the one that's causing all this pain and doubt in his life. Oh well, you know what? I'm so sick of helping people and getting nothing in return, yeah I could die within 3 years and I worry about whether he is okay or not?.. Oh fuck it aye. He's going to be very very lonely and the fuck up has no one else to blame but his poor pathetic self!! Happy days!! post comment

[08 Dec 2003|11:38am] Another big fight last night. My fault again. I don't know what's wrong with me - I can be so selfish and self absorbed sometimes. I need to learn to stop being so sensitive and give him a break. I feel like a bitch at the moment because of how he's feeling - especially last night - but I shouldn't take my worries out on him. I sat in the bathroom bawling my stupid big bug eyes out. I must have sounded pathetic but I just needed to cry. He came in and sat in front of me and we sorted it out. I'm always saying how I hate fighting with him and I don't want to anymore etc etc......well I think the first step would be to stop causing them. post comment

[08 Dec 2003|11:37am] I really can't stand Britney Spears. Her and Paris Hilton should just be fed to sharks. Things are so confusing at the moment. I'm unsure of a lot of things and no body can give me the answers I'm looking for. A part of me is scared of finding out about certain things - so I don't ask questions. Besides, we talked about some things - and we decided it's better if I keep my nose out of it and left it up to him to sort out. I still feel left out though. I know he doesn't talk to me about a lot of things because he doesn't want to hurt me and see me cry - but I have a fair idea about what's going on inside the head of Mr Inger. We went for a drive last night. To the beach down the road. We just sat in the car listening to rain beating on the roof and windows. We put our seats right back and lay down and just talked. It was wonderful because we haven't talked to each other like that for a long time. He told me his honest feelings about some things that have been going on lately. I didn't offer any advice or supportive words - because I knew this isn't what he wanted. I just acknowledged that I understood and only offered an opinion when he asked. Towards the end of our talk, we hit a subject that I'm very sensitive about. I cried a little and he got upset because I was upset.....I kept apologising for being a sooky girl and he kept apologising for making me cry. I understand now. I'm glad we talked about it - even if we had to fight all day. I'm glad we eventually sorted it out and could look at each other and smile. The threads holding our relationship together are so frail at the moment that it scares me. And I know this is mainly my doing. I'm trying to do my best to fix this. I DO love you and I DO care about whats going on in your head. You are the single most important thing in my life - and I will stop at nothing to keep us happy together. Thank you for forcing a confrontation from me this afternoon/evening. We both needed it and the things that were said were honest and right. I understand you now. I hope you understand me. I hate being stuck in this shitty city. I hate the people in it. I hate the experiences. I hate the memories. I hate everything that it brings me. I want to lose myself like I did in Brisbane. I want to blob around and be as light as a feather like I did when I lived down there. There are a couple of people that are really pissing me off. In fact - everybody is pissing me off. And I'M probably pissing everyone off too. Fuck! FUCK! FUCK! I'm so frustrated and annoyed and lost and bored. I envy my friends who are living in Brisbane and having fun every weekend. I envy my friends who are at uni or going to start uni because they have a path they can walk. I feel like smacking my fucking head into a brick wall. post comment

[06 Dec 2003|05:47pm] Very tired of it. Very sick of it. We've moved on - it stopped so what's the problem? There are no accusations being thrown around anymore - except within ourselves. This is an image thing. An ego thing. But if the shoe fits............ Renae is a big, fat, hairy wannabe skank that everyone thinks is fat. Call me fat - yeah......you're FAT you bitch. Three times the size of me. Yeah...... we're all laughing at the pathetic life you lead - you want to prank call people you knew at school and you want to pretend to be hard core and 'hack' into people's hotmail accounts.......tell me to die????????? righttttt......i'm going to go kill myself just because my boyfriend rejected you? fuck off you wannabe slut. Someone fucks you and then ignores you for a month......they just fuck you because you're a hole to stick their business into. You're ten times uglier and fatter then I'll ever be you unitelligent, fat slag. P.S Anybody that knows me well, will know EXACTALY what that is all about. I love you all and I wish we could all stop being passive about this and just start admitting that it is those skanks. Those two skanks are ugly, stupid and if you have something to say - like calling me a fat slut - then say it to my face you cowardly slags. You're an incredible fuck up - so don't you dare try and give me advice about how I should be living my life. I'm 18 but you talk to me like I'm 12. LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE! I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND! You make my life 100 times more upsetting and depressing then it needs to be. FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! There are only three people in this entire world that I truly trust. One is obviously Matty. The other is Sarah and the other is Katie. The only person I ever EVER trusted with anything in school. This will sound dumb Kate and you'll giggle hysterically at me but you are such a great friend. I guess sometimes I don't show it and I can sometimes be a little closed off to my personal life (I think sometimes we can both be guilty of that though ha!) but you are truly a great friend. After seeing you last night, I hopped into the car with Matt and turned to him and said - 'I love her. She makes me smile no matter how yuck I feel.' So fuck off with your talk about how fat you are, or ugly, or retarded you are etc etc....in my eyes - you are perfect and I honestly think I am sooo lucky to have you as my friend. Mmm....watching three solid hours of Simpsons on cable Now, I like to think of myself as a pretty sweet and patient person. But I'm also a person who needs a lot of space and time to themselves. Sarah is the only person I can stand being around 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And I absolutely love my friends and would do almost anything for them - however, when I see them every single day, it can get tedious. I can start to get pissed off and start wishing they would go away. Especially when it involves asking me for something. (Whether that be money, a lift, to be picked up etc etc). The cracks can start appearing in my smiles and my eyes can become a lot less friendly. And it sucks because I start to becoming a little cranky, and less 'excited' when these people keep dropping around EVERY SINGLE DAY - and they think - 'Wow, she is so moody.' or 'She has been such a grumpy bitch lately etc etc'. I feel like screaming - ITS BECAUSE YOU COME AROUND EVERY SINGLE DAY! I NEED SPACE! I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY! STOP ASKING FOR THINGS! GET YOUR OWN LIFE TOGETHER! I FEEL LIKE THIS 'FRIENDSHIP' IS ALL TAKE TAKE TAKE! I'm sick of people trying to make things harder then they need to be. If it's not messy - leave it. Just appreciate it and let it be. I'm tired of people being overly dramatic and troublesome. My dad bought be a present today. A top I said I liked. I thought this was a really sweet thing for him to do. He does this often - I sometimes think it's his guilt and that he's trying to buy my love. I have a couple of tricks up my sleeve. I was thinking about it in bed last night. I read through this guide thing and it gave me some ideas. I'm not as lost anymore. I've gained some motivation. Things aren't as hopeless as I sometimes make out. I'm usually the eternal optimist...but lately I've been so blah. I've half snapped out of it and I'm willing to give this week my best. Katie what do I get you for your birthday?! I had something in mind but I'm not sure if I should get you it because it's kinda boring and l-l-l-lame. Anything I get you is going to pale in comparison to what you got me, so what's a girl to do? Oh by the way - I promise I will behave myself at your house. There will be no repeat performances of LAST time we had a party at your house. (Even though I think Ronald got everything he deserved....) I'll be an absolute angel. I hope you are still excited about ordering your first legal drink. YAY to obeying the law. I am looking forward to downing a few (or lots of) cocktails with you. Mmm....I'm 'Homer drooling' at the thought of Mudslides, Daquiri's and Sex on the Beach's..... I have my fingers crossed for three friends of mine. They are applying for their first rental property (three 19 year old boys living in one house is a scary concept - but......) and I hope to gosh they get it. I have been friends with one of them since I was in grade 9.....so about 4 years......and in that time I have learnt things about his homelife that I wouldn't wish upon anyone - so sweetie, I am crossing my fingers and toes for you. Getting out of that place will be the best thing for you. television....yummy Simpsons goodness. "Oh nothing Marge! Just a little incident involving THE BOOGEY MAN!"...."No Lisa, the only monster is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor!"....."Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a cue tip!"...."No! No! Dig up stupid!"....."Duhh. I'm the captain."......"We were just organising the 'Father Son rafting trip'" "Hehehe you don't have a son." He makes me happy. I cry when he tells me really deep stuff about his past and about the experiences he has had. I cry when he talks about his mum. I cry too much, but luckily he doesn't seem to mind. I cry, talk and laugh too much. I'm weird. We lay in bed last night after watching some DVD's (after being served by the sexiest video bitch in the world...I think her name was Kate or something ha!) post comment

[05 Dec 2003|05:39pm] It's been a good week dispite other shit that has happend, i feel in control and i love that! I'm going out tonight with the guys from work, it should be fun.. even though I have to play pool with Nathan and he's really really good and well I just suck! Oh well. I'm going to be drinking beer tonight, that's all they'll buy me lol, I'm sure I'll manage! Anyway, love you all. Fatty Matty: you're beautiful! Thank you honey. post comment

[02 Dec 2003|12:54pm] I am fighting with Nick. I wouldn’t even call it fighting, we’ve broken up. I don’t know what is wrong with me, I feel that I can never have a stable relationship and I wreck every one I enter. He told me last night that I’m too insecure yet he is the one who thinks I cheated on him. He doesn't do anything unless I ask him to. He doesn't touch me anymore. I have to ask for cuddles or a kiss. I shouldn't have to. He comes to bed hours after I fall asleep and wakes up ages after me - and there are no 'good morning's' or 'hello's'. There are no conversations anymore. Just snippets or what needs to be said. I miss talking to him. It upsets me that he can sit up until 6am talking to one of my friends - but can't even manage a 'good morning' or single conversation with his girlfriend. I get no support from him. He doesn't even manage a 'thank you' when I serve dinner. He just turns around from the computer, eats, puts his plate on the bench and goes back to the computer. There are always going to be little things that we do that will annoy each other - but there are bigger issues at hand here. Basically I feel like I recieve no affection, attention, conversation or support from him. Is it just me or does it seem like he's distancing himself away from me? Maybe he's doing this because he wants out of this relationship. He doesn't see me - he looks straight through me. Our relationship looks perfect and polished on the outside - but on the inside, I can feel it crumbling through my fingers. I don’t know what is going to happen with us. I just got an enrollment form to fill out so I can vote. But ahh, I really don’t give a fuck who runs the country. My sister is 26 and she’s never been caught for not voting, so maybe I’ll try my luck. I wish it wasn’t compulsary. Coz that really sucks. He’s coming to Mackay. I don’t know if I want to see him. I’ve kind of left him in the past. I don’t want to open another chapter of my life with him. I am scared, I don’t know what to do. If we see eachother, will it be for an hour? or will we spend quality time together? Will the feelings come back, will I turn into an obsessed teenager, a love struck little girl.. I don’t know.. post comment

not very happy [02 Dec 2003|12:50pm] I feel like I am good at nothing and terrible at everything. I feel like I have nothing in my favour. It looks like I'm not trying, but I am. I feel like I mean nothing to them. Like they look straight through me. I can't seem to make new friends and I can't seem to escape from ex-friends. It feels like his attention is always elsewhere. I feel bored with life, but terrified of it. I'm worried about what people are saying about me and how they think of me. I'm insecure. I feel like I'm losing control but then I feel angry at myself for being so melodramatic. post comment

[29 Nov 2003|12:01pm] There’s a kitten that lives in the next set of units behind us, and I want to steal her. She’s so unbelievably gorgeous.. if I see the owners I’ll be giving them a piece of my mind. I reckon she’d be about 2 months old and she’s always outside at like 12 at night. Last night I took her to my unit and gave her some food and water, she was starving. Fuck it makes me angry that people buy animals and don’t look after them. Last night when I got her she was bleeding from her ear and her eyes were all dirty as well as her nose (she has a cold) I’ve got some medication from when my kitten had surgery for her eyes and nose thus I’ll be giving sox (that’s the kitten I want to steal) the medication. She’s all white with beautiful bright blue eyes. If the owners continue to treat her badly I will be stealing her and she can come and live with me. post comment

yo [29 Nov 2003|11:22am] I am having the best weekend!!! It started yesterday (Friday) I sorted all the stuff out with Apple and I’m no longer in trouble thank god!! I finished work early yesterday and went and saw Matty. Thank You!!! You really made my day. Friday night we had a few people over for some drinks, it was a really good night. I feel weird that Nick hasn’t been here, but I’m sure he’s having a blast in Brisbane. Today I’m seeing a friend of mine that I haven’t seen for 3 years!!! We grew up together and we’ve been friends since we were in prep school. She lives in Townsville and I’ll be seeing her in about an hour! I’m really excited. I havent’ heard from him since he rung me. Hope he is okay. He didn’t reply to my text msg. Ah well only time will tell. post comment

happy thoughts [29 Nov 2003|11:12am] I’m sitting in my room, blaring my music with a ‘fuck off’ expression on my face. I can hear them downstairs, and I’m waiting for her to say something to me about it. I’m not going to make a big scene until I can have a moment with her. I’ll just explain what I’m really fucking pissed off at. The first thing I need to do is calm down.. She knows I’m pissed off about it, I made that quite obvious when she told me. She just thinks it’s something to do with my parents, but they can’t get me this angry. Some of my other friends have commented on the things she does, and they are all aware of how I’m feeling. Mitch wanted me to say something to her a while ago about it but I never did. Okay I’m over my pissed off stage with her. I’m not going to even get into it. It’s not worth it. He rung me tonight. I am really proud of him. He sounded different.. like he was free. It’s such a good feeling, knowing that he wants to change his habits and that he’s letting me back in. I doubt he’ll continue to read my journal, but if you’re reading, then ‘I’m soooooo proud of you!!’ and I hope you’re proud of yourself!! Nick left to go to Brisbane this morning, his band is recording their CD... they’re all so talented and I’m definate that they’ll make it far. He doesn’t know when he’ll be back, but he’s leaning on next Sunday. I woke up and he was sitting up laughing at me, I was still really groggy from sleep and asked him what he was laughing at and he said I was laughing out loud in my sleep. (thats what you get when you dream about Justin Timberlake spending Christmas with my family and Britney trashing it. back to my wacky dreams I see) He said I was cute and funny... cute and funny? NO. Weird and disturbing? definately. Matty! We will DEFINATELY catch up this weekend kay? Sorry for being so slack, I’ll ring you tonight and we’ll work something out!! I’m really worried about work tomorrow, I will be on the phone to the executives of Apple all morning trying to sort this shit out that I DIDN’T fuck up, but somehow it has gone to the shit house. I’m really excited about Janurary. Not only is it my 19th Birthday, but Mum and Dad are going away for 3 weeks to Perth, which means I’ll be the boss!! yay! Anyway, sick of typing, I’m going to go visit the neighbours, they’re really nice people even if they are a little weird. I can only imagine what they think of me. post comment

hmmmmmmm [27 Nov 2003|05:21pm] I am so pissed off at a certain person I know. This person has been annoying me a lot over the last month. She just don't get it. And tonight I'm afraid of seeing her, because I know I'll say things I'll regret, but I'm not standing for this anymore. I need a joint. 1 comment|post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]