||Match Box 20 - Closing Time
I am completely fascinated by him. I love the time we spend together. I love the conversations we have. He is so intelligent. So thoughtful. I’ve known him for years and I have always felt special around him. I wouldn’t change a thing about his personality. He knows when to joke. He knows when to be serious. He is polite. He is gorgeous. I often surprise myself at who I find myself attracted to. I have known Mr Mickey for a long time and I wouldn’t of imagined myself ‘with’ him. We were very close up until the end of grade 12. I moved to Brisbane, and he moved to Cairns. I came back to Mackay and I never really ‘bothered’ to call him, and when I saw him it was my trade mark ‘hey ya! whatcha doing? hey I better keep moving, see you later’ Then a few weeks ago, he rung me and asked me to go to the pub and have a few drinks with him. I didn’t feel like going, but I thought ‘what the hey, no sense being rude’ and I reluctantly wandered down to the pub. It turned out to be a really good night, we got on excellently like in the old days, and we genuinely enjoyed each others company. Having realised this, we began to hang out more and more. It’s excellent.. we know that we like each other, we’re not out fucking other people, we hang out all the time, we have intelligent conversations, we ask each other our opinions, and we really respect each other. It’s a perfect ‘relationship’. I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I hate all the ‘rules’ and ‘responsibility’ that comes with the tag.
We are definitely not ‘casual’ sex buddies, and we’re definitely not being used by each other. I know he cares about me, and I care deeply about him. I love him, but definitely only as a friend. We don’t fight, we don’t misinterpret each other and we don’t annoy each other.
I don’t find myself getting jealous with him. Which is a HUGE relief. There was one stage where -no matter- who I was with, I couldn’t deal with my jealousy.
All in all, I think my life is getting better by the day. I’m not talking about incidents in life, there’s always going to be that one person who annoys you, the one person who takes too long to order in a line, one annoying mother screaming at her kids, I’m talking about my ‘life’ - the direction it’s going, the path I’m slowing carving.
There’s one thing, one person I need to withdraw from.. he takes too much of my energy. He is so lethargic. So negative. I can literately feel my energy getting sucked out and my smile slowing turning into a frown. He is so grumpy, so sullen, and so selfish. I’ve spoken about him in previous posts but I can’t seem to shake this bad vibe he’s been giving me. But can I really say to someone who I genuinely fell in love with (not anymore) ‘hey buddy, you’re really starting to shit me because you’re so negative. I never want to acknowledge you again’ I try to say it in nicer ways, but my message doesn’t seem to get across. It’s almost like.. if I say I’m happy, he’ll try as hard as he can to make me unhappy.. I don’t know if that makes sense, I’m just babbling now.. but hey, it’s how I feel. I think there is something definitely wrong when I find myself wishing that I had never met him. I think I know the reason why I feel I have to help him, share my opinions, acknowledge him... I think it’s because at the end of the day, I know I can make it through anything, I am stronger than him. Or maybe it’s because I know I’ll always be happier than him...
These feelings haven’t just surfaced. I’ve been feeling this way about him for a long time now hoping that the mean thoughts I have of him will go away... that they don’t really have much substance... this is untrue. These feelings have stemmed from somewhere. This lyric by MatchBox 20 really made me think, it goes like this:
“While you were sleeping, I was listening to the radio and wondering what you were dreaming, when it came to mind that I don’t really care”
I feel that when he rings me out of the blue, when he goes on MSN and pours his black heart out about his woes that I’m obliged to help him. Why is this so? He has never helped me, and he won’t ever help himself. I've invested so much into our friendship - so forgive me for being so insecure. I know that I’m feeling this way is because of my insecurity. I don't know how to stop being insecure - I probably always will be. I just need him to be there to reassure me. My imagination runs wild and then these stupid thoughts pollute my brain.