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[26 Dec 2004|12:31am]
i really need to see my therapist. i honestly think i'm bipolar. ahhh fuck dammit shit
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being drunk is oh so much funnnnnnnnnnn [17 Dec 2004|02:39am]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | interpol - song seven ]

i just made out with ryan foreverrrrr and he wanted to come back here.. but im so drunk & i was likre omg i dont know.. i told him i didnt qwanna be a hookup. then we made out some more & that didnt help b/c he was like ok youre killing mne here (aka blue ballds) hahaha - i love my life. i think hrs in love with his ex tho seriously.

meg is the fucking coolest. when i first met her i thought she gad badittudt. noew i think she fuckin rocks we had so much fun together yaaaaaaaaaa!

i bet ryan went home w/ someone else. fuck face.

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[16 Dec 2004|06:01pm]
squee mish 9: done with your finals yet?
pam is super: yep
squee mish 9: awesome
squee mish 9: me too
pam is super: thats good
pam is super: ok im off to smoke a fag
squee mish 9: have fun

why does he do this shit? and he took that thing about the girlfriend out of his profile.. is that what all this sudden talking to me is about? little shit.. well i know i cant trust him, so fuck that you a hole!

anycrap ryan just called :D hes so cute
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ups and downs [16 Dec 2004|11:45am]
[ mood | yaaaaaaa! ]
[ music | norah jones - turn me on ]

squee mish 9 (8:20:09 PM): yo
pam is super (8:20:30 PM): hey
squee mish 9 (8:20:36 PM): whats new pammm
pam is super (8:20:59 PM): nada
squee mish 9 (8:22:13 PM): done yet with finals
pam is super (8:22:48 PM): nope, 8am tommorrow
squee mish 9 (8:23:03 PM): oooh i have one at 1
squee mish 9 (8:23:16 PM): i gtg lates pammy have a great christmas
squee mish 9 is away at 8:23:36 PM.

ok why does he pull this shit? seriously. i just want to be like fuck you dude, ill have a nice xmas when i get you out of my head.

sidenote- last night was amazing. nate is so cool.. i wish i was attracted to him b/c hes really great. meg is fucking hilarious. ive found anotha new your-ka! we stayed up til 5;30 with my 8am final. that rocked. i love my roomie. "i dont know if its the drugs talking, but youre my best friend" and i meant it. were always together, she knows more about me than anyone. i still have my other besties, but no one has known me like she has.. its pretty great.

party tonight w/ ryan.. lets see how this goes :D

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what a difference a day makes.. [15 Dec 2004|12:12am]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | the nanny laughing - god i love fran drescher ]

my mind has been pretty much erased from chuck. i realized all these qualities he totally lacks. he doesnt talk alot. he doesnt seem comfortable with me sometimes. he doesnt look me in the eyes and looks distracted when we're together.

all the things ryan did tonight. i regret misjudging him.. oh god here we go again. im not getting caught up in it this time i promise. i have told NO ONE i like him & im not going to b.c it just jinks things. im not saying i want things to work. but it was cute when he said he'd call me.. thats always nice to hear. with other guys, it wouldve been like bye, see ya, and thats it. he doesnt make my heart beat fast.. but he does keep a smile on my face and those eyes.. those are some nice eyes. even roomie approves. she hated jeff chad kevin chuck bb (baaahaha). she thinks ryans cool.. :) ok listen to me, im stopping.

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please just kill the drama [14 Dec 2004|03:05pm]
[ mood | angerrrrrrred ]
[ music | spitalfield - kill the drama ]

i could kill him. no one fas made me feel so low. yelling at me for showing up like i followed him there? its a fucking party! if youre going to bring your gf around why not NOT cheat on her and make it painfully obvious by yelling at me like im your fucking mistress. asshole. i still cant get over it. wait til i see him, oh he will fucking hear about it.

im starting to miss jeff..

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[11 Dec 2004|03:46am]
[ mood | crushed ]

i hate him why would he/ how could he do this to me

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dddd dirty dog hahaha [10 Dec 2004|08:00am]
[ mood | drunk ]
[ music | ,e pukinggggggggggggg ]

and i have to be uo in 3 hrs but i dohny even freakin care. ok so this ryan kid who i always thought was so cute i hubg out with all night at sig tau and u had soooo mich fun. then he asked ne ti spebd the night. y do guys have to ruin ut. fucjers, ih well. hes still a really nice guy ill be his friend.

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im so afraid of waking [06 Dec 2004|10:08am]
[ mood | curious ]
[ music | staind - so far away ]

please dont shake me.

I just had the most amazing dream. I did not want to wake up. I feel like crying because it's not real. I was in love. Real love. and its scaring me how real it felt. because right now that its taken away i feel like crying. It was running through my veins and i couldnt stop smiling and taking deep breaths. I felt like a different person. like i can still picture it. we were dancing in the street and my hair was a mess and my makeup was all over. and he looked me in the eyes and we just knew. if thats how real love is, i pray to god i fall in true love.

ps - how can you say i love you then cheat? that just finalized the entire chuck issue for me. done forever.

god i wish that dream was real. ive never seen myself so happy..

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im so afraid of waking [06 Dec 2004|09:59am]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | staind - so far away ]

please dont shake me.

I just had the most amazing dream. I did not want to wake up. I feel like crying because it's not real. I was in love. Real love. and its scaring me how real it felt. because right now that its taken away i feel like crying. It was running through my veins and i couldnt stop smiling and taking deep breaths. I felt like a different person. like i can still picture it. we were dancing in the street and my hair was a mess and my makeup was all over. and he looked me in the eyes and we just knew. if thats how real love is, i pray to god i fall in true love.

ps - how can you say i love you then cheat? that just finalized the entire chuck issue for me. done forever.

god i wish that dream was real. ive never seen myself so happy..

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it was supposed to be so easy [03 Dec 2004|07:06pm]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | the streets - a grand don't come for free ]

i haven't talked to meerah kedley in soo long. over summer during all the craziness we had that fallout and havent talked since. and when she IM'd me i was all confused. i took her off my list and totally forgot. over break i noticed i never took her pictures off my wall/ i think i feel bad because she never did anything to hurt me. i just gave up on her too.. oops.

she asked if i went to mcc b/c joyce thought that.. random. very random.

chuck on the brain alot again.. i hate seeing him talk to girls. it makes me upset a bit. i feel bad that sometimes when roomie's talking i dont hear hr b/c of these stupid thoughts. boys are dumb.

i miss kate. i hope she comes back.

i need a bigger tv.

i wish i could pass bio.

what ever happend to joey lawrence? matt? aaaandy?

oh well. off to the homo club.

asta la pasta

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this world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful [01 Dec 2004|10:33am]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | going away to college - blink ]

so i think of come to peace with the whole chuck thing. i dont want things to be awkward because i hate how that can get. at the radio meeting last night i felt like alot of boys were coming on to me, and it was weird. i think its because of the jacket lol. they were all like u look cute in that. (when i take it off they'll all forget me).

But it was funny. in our row it went chad, jen, chris, me, shane sitting together. i had both boys getting all friendly with me freaking me out. then chad said i could use his pen because i was cute and jen goes "oh so u guys are talking again?" and he goes "oh yeah, pam and i are old friends we go way back." and gets this grin on his face. and i burst out laughing and so did he. i was glad we could laugh about it now, like its over. it happend. who cares? it was fun, i enjoyed it. So i thought ok.. why cant it be like this with chuck? so after the meeting i went out with him and chris and was just their friends. he did do some stuff like touching me and playing with my hood just being flirty and i took it but didnt flirt back. friends. thats all we are. i still have serious underlying pissed feelings about the whole thing, but i just dont want to fight or be awkward with any more people. fuck it u know? i wish he would tell his gf.. but it probably wont happen. and now that i know this, i know i cant trust him and it would never work anyway. so good things are better! :) i can handle life like this right now!

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i like to watch you sleep at night [28 Nov 2004|01:57am]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | dido - all you want ]

to hear you breathe by my side..

ok so i think i'm becoming a nun. like for serious this time. chuck, is an asshole. like i can't even believe this night. he finally calls today to say he can hang out, so i skip dinner with my family to go get him all the way in hilton. i get lost an extra 45 minutes out there while my mom is being stupid and can't figure out the computer directions, meanwhile im on the other line with him and he's trying to help. already a bad mood. i pick him up, he looked so cute in his beanie and fleece wow. damn him! so we go to p hots for dinner, then to my house. so weird that he met the whole family even the grandma. i thought he was going to be all scared but he was so cute with them. him and my dad were like best friends it was adorable. so we leave and he was like they're great blah blah.

java's it is. watch live music, leave. on the way back from java's.. phone call. some girl. end of conversation she says i love you and he mumbled i love you too. EXCUSE ME WHAT?! I COULD KILL HIM. like is he for real with this? i was in such shock that i drove him right back to hilton from java's. i was like r u kidding me with this? he's gotta be back with his girlfriend.. im glad he told me. grrr and im glad we hung out the whole night and he couldnt tell me. i wanted to rip his heart out and show him what it felt like. he tried to act all innocent like what? after it happend and it was so fucking obvious. i wouldn't look at him or say anything. then it was great when nate called and was like hey babe i love you blah blah. ok so chuck doesn't know nae's gay.. but that doesn't matter. wait a sec.. was it like when i say bye and love you to nate as a friend thing? no i seriously doubt it, guys don't do that. and if the whole time we've been together he's STILL been with this gf.. i will be even more furious. that is not fucking cool at all.

when he got out of the car i didnt even say bye. he kept trying to make eye contact and i wouldn't even look over. he was like "see you monday?.. ok" and got out and i left. i was on shock like i didnt even know what to say to him. i should've yelled I HATE YOU HOW COULD YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS?

i fall way too hard way too fast.. from now on i'm not falling at all. fuck.

and this is in his profile.. what the fuck does it mean.
Armageddon, let the light in, before we say goodbye give us something to belive in. Armageddon, we're not beggin, for too much i dont think, need a goodbye kiss before we sink.

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i haven't been this scared in a long time.. [25 Nov 2004|10:21pm]
[ mood | geeky ]
[ music | Blink 182 & Rainer Maria Rilke letters ]

chuck is coming tommorrow. that's right. he'll be in rochester. i'm freaking out. and of course his cell is off, probably lost again because he can never find that thing..

i hate that quote that's like "don't go without the person you can't spend a day without thinking about" or whatever it is.. but it so fits. i can't think about anything else these past couple days i've been gone from school. damn him and all there is that surrounds boys.

ok should i call someone? cuz i have this feeling that i will be sitting on my ass by myself this whole break. katherine did a great job of calling me back last night. i ended up coming home early from steph's to sit on my ass and feel fabulous. right now its thanksgiving.. im reading ppl's away messages saying their out and whatnot. i should give cait a call. i miss her alot. but i think im going to workout first. fucking turkey day and all the dessert that surrounds it.

You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to *have patience with everything unresolved in your heart* and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

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when i was down came to me and promised to always be [25 Nov 2004|12:30am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | all d/c ]

im such a chicken. i keep talking about him like i'm in love. i can't stop thinking about him like more than any other boy. UGH. i hate this. i dont want to want him right now..

in reality all i want to do is be back at school lying in bed with him. it's all i can think about him. why am i such a nutcase about thise things.. i promised myself i wouldn't get too involved.. and here i am thinking day and night about him.

so weird.. i saw joe today at the dermatologist. i was like ok random.. but he looked so gooood. he gets better every time i see him. but i get home and all i do is think about chuck.. i almost forgot to tell my sister about joe. that's not a good sign.. im getting caught up in it.

and being home is just like eh.. i hang out with steph and tiff who i love and we have fun.. but please something else than illegal activites for once. when we went in the city i thought we were gonna get freaking shot.. tiff had like no clue where we were and was blazed and i was like ok this is where i need to stop. it's like i don't want to hang out with anyone from here.. like i don't know where i fit in with some people anymore. i love all of them but i just want to sit home or workout, not really see anyone. oh well. steph's the best, she gets me off my ass.

and i missed my chance just now. he's actually online, and when i sign on i put up an away. because i don't even know how to talk to him. i saw steph talking with jared and was like wtf why cant i be like that?! I HAVE TO FREAK OUT and kill myself later about it. so i missed my chance and all i want to do is talk to him and be like, hi i love you.

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forget december.. [22 Nov 2004|01:17am]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Something Corporate ]

ok so i'm freaking out. i hate doing the girl thing. i overanalyze this shit so bad. so the whole thing that happend between chuck and i on formal night has not left my brain since oh friday morning. He was so sweet and I keep replaying all the things in my head. BUT i wish i knew what was going on in his head. Does there always have to be some awkward thing after you hook up with someone? Its gotta be beacuse I like him alot. There's so much weighing on this and I want to see where it goes. I have to learn to not put all my eggs in one basket. Im not saying that Im gonna go around knocking on boys doors looking for love. But I gotta stop freaking out. Im making myself crazy. I feel like I need some serious advice but I don't know to talk to about it. Tommorrow Im going to the movies with my sister & her little so hopefully they can help me.

Does he like me? I was so freaking nervous about coming back here after the weekend. It was good to get away, I probably would have stayed around here waiting for him to call me or something. Gah Im pathetic. When we pulled back into town he was one of the first people I saw. Of course. Then I was thinking "I cant go outside I dont want to see him." becuase im a tool and i cant face things I want to or need to. So then we park amanda's car after going to brian's, stand outside to smoke, and sure enough. Up the hill walks Chris and Chuck. Chuck. That is such a nerdy name, but he is just so amazing. I say that about alot of guys I think.. but god there's just something different about him. Since the first day of band camp when i saw him playing drums I thought wow that kid's a keeper.. who knew a couple months later we'd be going to a formal together, end up fooling around, and then have me sitting here overanalyzing every little thing i can.

i need to sort my thoughts out big time.

1. ok so he acted very sweet and such before the formal, esp at the formal, and after.
2. the next morning when he left however, he like got up said bye and left..
[which was weird]
3. when i saw him tonight he gave me a big hug and acted cool
4. i'm the weirdo who acted like "i worship the ground u walk on"
5. thank god i was stoned when i saw him.
6. how are things going to end up.
7. what do i ask him - bc he's obviously not bringing it up.
8. im a douche because i havent seen him the last couple days to even talk to him.
9. i need to calm down.
10. he's a good guy and if things work out, great. if not, too bad, i always seem to move on..

ok. i feel better? eh.. we'll see.. DAMN BOYS AND THEIR PENIS'! THEY RUIN EVERYTHING.

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i saw stars.. falling all around your head [16 Nov 2004|08:46pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | marcy playground - sherry fraser ]

for once something is going right! well we'll see.. im gonna get all giddy and stupid in this thing and ruin it. OH WELL! I am going to the radio formal with CHUCK!! Brian Morton was supposed to go w/ and he bailed.. shocker there. Cuz I don't do anything for him! GAH!

So it started out as an ordinary night.. with Jenn being a bitch. We're outside the meeting and I see Jenn walking over and she comes over, kisses Bri, half says hi to me, and keeps talking on her phone. So then her, amy and I are walking towards the meeting, she's completely ignoring me while talking on her phone like walking in front of me making it apparent she was pissed? or just weird? i dont know.. anycrap. so then we turn around and she sees chad.. well all hell breaks loose and she runs over to him jumping all over him and i'm just standing on the other side of South Hall Mall like ok? chad and i dont exactly talk anymore? i'm not going over there? and more ?? GAH! anycrap.. so i walk into the meeting, sit down, see her walk in and start to follow chad, she turns around and is like Pam come back here. Oh really? Can I? you want to talk to me now? FOFF biotch! geesh. so im sitting there thinking hmm where is the love of my life chuck? so i see 'the boys' walk in and there he is. with a big smile and he sits next to me.. so tj starts talking about the formal and is like r u going? and im like nah.. no date, and chuck's like me too.. and im like "hello!" and he's like "wanna go? i'm poor, so if we can split the $" and i acted all cool cuz i was still mid pissed at jen. so it was good, i didnt spaz like i am in here ha. So the whole time he's going to chris & tj "im going with pam!!" it was so cute.

so it's fun now.. let's see how much i screw it up by thursday hahaha

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don't be gone when i get home, i need you there [14 Nov 2004|11:34am]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | get up kids ]

Katey Tripoli came this weekend. It was amazing, it was just what I needed. Having the three of us back together again was just amazing. My girls. No drama, just fun. Amanda and Kate are just what I needed. And this weekend was absolutely the best by far. I haven't laughed or smiled that hard in a long time. She better come back next semester, it would be out of control if she did - oh mah gah. She talked about how much she wanted to leave last semester and it was b/c of her ex bf, being so close to home, and of course, Amber. But since she's been at IUP all she can think about is MU. We all got so close here, and she said she knows she'll never find people like us there. I hope that's the kick to bring her back here. She reapplied so let's hope she goes through with it this time.

So Kevin is a tool.. I finally gave up on him because he's just another frat boy looking for ass and I'm not going to be that girl for him. Oh and look! he's already found someone else to replace that. I'm glad nothing major happend.. except now I need a date for my formal.. yikes.

My friends from home keep asking what's wrong with my family. How can I tell them? I can't tell anyone for god's sake. My mom is a mess, making me a mess, making my sister a mess, and my dad just seems to pull it all together. Thank god he is such a great man. I think through all this it actually made them stronger as a couple. Too bad the rest of my family are a bunch of assholes. I still can't believe all this crazy shit happend. I'm starting to cry right now just thinking about it. Am I ever going to talk to my cousins again? I know I'm not going to see or hear from my aunt or uncle but as sad as this sounds, fuck them. They're the one's who did this. It's my cousins who have no connection with it. Our whole family is breaking apart. For thanksgiving this year I really don't want to go home. What do I have to look forward to? Nate is in Syracuse. My family isn't speaking to each other, so my cousins who turned in to my best friends over summer I won't see. and my mom desperately wants to get out of roch for the holiday. What's the point of staying? I'd rather move to China then stay there. At this rate.. we might be moving somwhere. Who knows, who care. I just want to see my mom smile again. It's breaking my fucking heart to see her like this. I've been home once since I've been to school and all my mom wants to see is my sister & I to come home and be with her. When I go back to roch, fuck anyone else I'm staying in my house with my family. I just wish my sister would be a little less selfish. She wants to stay home to see her friends. Fuck that, she drives all around every weekend visitng them, can she just give one weekend to mom? Who is struggling right now? UGGGH i just want things to be alright. And it kills me that there's no way for me to even try and fix this.

Beth IM'd me last night.. kind of random. I sometimes wonder why she does. And why she has to say the things she does. "Well we can't be friends right now" whatever the fuck that means. I honestly thought I was reading it wrong because it just didn't look right. We can't be friends b/c we're away at school? You want me to fish out why you said that? Because I don't really know and don't want to get into the whole friends talk again. That's why we can't be normal! Everytime she talks to me it's like how are you? why aren't we friends? If we talked every once in a while to catch up and NOT go into that talk, things would be normal. Last night when it said jjmonkey returned from away, my heart started to race a little and i was like whoa what's going on here? I had a feeling she was going to IM me and that we'd end up talking about why we're "not friends." Ok.. I thought we were, so whenever she says that it's kind of a blow. It's not like I don't want to talk to her.. I just thought about how steph & i rarely interact when we're at school, and how good we can be when we come home. Leave some appreciation to come home to. Katherine and I talked the other night and straightened things out and I'm glad. I was never mad at her. I'm not mad at anyone. I don't know how to describe it, but I honestly just don't want to go home..

If we do stay home for t-giving, it means that someone will call me to go over to steve's house to hang and then i'm going to pretend that i don't do drugs, and don't smoke, and am miss little perfect. Well fuck that. I am who I am and am actually comfortable now. I don't know what it is, but its just like I have no desire to hang out with the people I used to. Was that the push I needed to break away over summer? Who the hell knows.. all I know is that things have changed, and I'm alright with that for once.

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it could all be so simple.. [25 Sep 2004|12:40pm]
[ music | Lauryn Hill - Ex Factor ]

ok i need to write in here but dont have much time.. ok this is why i hate men. kevin - the "love of my life" or what the fuck ever, is mm a jerk. one- he has a gf. which i knew. well the other night when we talked and "blah blah, ur perfect, i wish i met u first, im dumping my gf blah blah." i wasnt happy or sad about it b/c yes- he still has a gf and he knows i wont touch him. but the whole night he tried to get me to come down anyway b/c he has a penis and they are in constant need of servicing. assholes. so anycrap heres where it gets SUCK. i tell my sister the next day and she was like "what time was this?" and i was like "from like 3-5:30am" like when we talked and stuff. so she tells me "we had a mixer that night w/ them, and he told colleen (ange's roomate) that he wants to be w/ her and he's dumping his gf for her." isnt that fucking GREAT!

i told mal b/c i was so pissed & whatever and she had such a good point. i told her how i went for kevin cuz he's "the nice guy." how much does that suck that nice guy hurt me? well mal says to me, "thats why girls go for the assholes b/c u are ready for getting hurt, and if u dont its a nice surprise."

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you make me feel like I am free again [15 Sep 2004|07:24am]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | 311 - Love Song ]

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

So ok you'd think that this would be a happy entry right? hell no. i just had that song in my head hehe.

My day yesterday, was INSANE. I go to my first class to find we were in the audio lab and not the classroom which = trucking it up to butler - ahhh. I go to philosophy, totally don't pay attention cuz I have other things on the brain. Go down to the radio station w/ Doug and I see Chad and he's flirty and I want to kick him in his balls. Then I come back to the room, realize I look like SHIT and go take a shower.

Get out of the shower, the computer tech dept comes in like the freaking FBI and tells me that the Univ of Texas called and said my name and computer pin number and said "shut this girl down" because a virus I had somehow got connected and cause their campus internet to shut down. WTF?! that might be the craziest thing to happen to me ever.

SO then what do roomie & i do? we smoke, go to wendy's for dinner, and go to walmart. Here's where it sucks. As we're pulling in, I see a car in the parking lot and who do I see walking in the front doors - kev & his g/f. I'm like omg r u kidding me.. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. wtf kid.. you said you we're breaking up with her. So we basically were hiding in walmy one b/c we were high and two b/c I didn't want to bump into them. Part of me wanted to see how he'd react, like how he would be around me w/ her there now. In the past even after we've flirted & such he'd still be cool. But now cuz of certain things.. idk, and i'd like to see what happens.

I'm off to BIO.. I had to write in this thing to stay awake b/c mike woke me up at 7 and that might be too early.. i have 45 min to sit here w/ my thumb up my ass sooo, oh well.

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