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it's times like these. [24 May 2005|01:35am]
[ mood | living ]
[ music | foo fighters - times like these. ]

I saw Nathan. He always tends to make things better. I really needed a night away from here. Things have gotten so tricky. So complicated. So fucking tense. When did I become such a negative person with so many head problems and addictions? Fuck. It's not me. It is now, but it isn't. I understand me.. for the most part.

I just wish people weren't so god damned concerned with themselves all of the time. They are so quick to blame others for all of their problems. Be straight forward. Made-up scenario: 1) My friend kisses my boyfriend. She doesn't tell me. I find out. Then she feels bad and/or sorry. or option 2) My friend sleeps with my boyfriend. She tells me. She aplogizes.

Between the two.. let's decipher. 1) is secretive. 2) is straight forward. Both are bitches. But. I have more respect for the bitch who bangs my man and tells me than the bitch who hides it. I don't see why people don't understand this. And why it has to get so complicated?

Everyone is trying to hide everything for their sake. They don't say what they want. Then when they do they say too much. They did what they want but if they can't fess up to it.. that hurts worse. If they were to tell me, it would hurt, but I could respect them for being up front. I wouldn't like them. In fact I would hate them. But I could respect them and respect the situation. If we were all just up front with everyone in the first place, problems wouldn't blow out of proportion: unless you wanted them to.


At Nate's party, this guy from RIT was talking to me about stress. He was a smoker for years, then decided to quit because he wanted his life to be simple. He said something that totally didn't make sense at the time.. but I thought about it more on the way home. "Simplify. If you want things to be simple, they will be." I said "That sounds real nice and all, but it's not that easy." He said "No, it's very easy. Just do it."

I guess I understand now. Really, the problems that we have are because of our need to complicate things. I've somewhat thought about what he said before by trying to just avoid things or leave things behind when they were too complicated, because all I wanted was simplicity but didn't think of it like that at the time. People try to tell me I run away from my problems. There's a difference. I simplify my problems. I just don't deal with them, because they aren't problems. They're bumps in the road I leave behind. If you don't let me leave them behind, I can't either. So don't complicate the life I live.

Let go.
Relax.
Don't think, just breathe.


I just really have to make things simple again. I feel like I should move out to the country and live in a house by myself with nothing but a rocking chair, a guitar, and a market not too far away. Right. That would never work with me.. haha. But the point is.. I want that feeling again. It's like when we were young and things were so innocent. "Ignorance is Bliss." I wish I could go back to that, but I can't. I just need to downsize. What are things that cause me stress? I know what they are. I can't list them. The list is too long. And I realize that there are some thing on there such as financial issues that I can't help. But there are situations I can ignore. There are people who don't understand or don't get me, which is understandable. But if they are going to act funny or different about my ways and my theories and the things I do, it's not worth it. That's just one more thing that stresses me out. Simplify. Move up, move on. and oh. yes. FUCK OFF!


I feel better already!







it's times like these you learn to love again.
it's times like these you learn to give again.
it's times like these you learn to live again.
it's times like these, time and time again..

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home. eeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuughhhhhhwwwwwww. [16 May 2005|12:44pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

so being home sucks. i'm sick of being letdown. i'm sick of being lectured. i'm sick of my life being pryed into. People honestly need to leave me the hell alone, because at some point i'm gonna snap. there are not enough long showers & baths or long drives in the world to save whatever the fuck is going on in this head of mine. and not even just what's going on in my head. what is happening around me, is really depressing. i've basically got maybe 3 people from home who i actually want to see this summer, and today on may 16th i'm making it official. no more games. no more chasing people or even trying anymore. i'm fighting back against my family & my friends who make me feel horrible. because "home is where the heart is." well fuck that, home is a place that makes me feel awful about myself. everything about this place. the people - incredibly fake. everything just seems so fake. it's like i've always noticed it, but always put it in the back of my mind.. it's incredibly apparent.


thank god for certain people here who can speak their minds and be who/what they are. without them, i'd honestly just move away in a split second.

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"i just want you to know what a slimey lowlife FUCK i think you are" - Cher [13 May 2005|05:01pm]
[ music | vh1 - ahahaha ]

interview w/ pitt on tueday. i'm so not ready. verbally, i could knock em dead because i do have alot of passion behind this. but.. my work needs work. people see it & think its metal, but i don't know. i'm just not sure. well we'll see what happens, yah? kate's coming with me. god.. to think me & her & gina all in pitt: it would be like no other.

ok more later.. there's a thing on paparazzi on vh1 and bjork is kicking ass! woot.

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[27 Apr 2005|03:28pm]
[ mood | smiling ]
[ music | q and not u ]

my liver is back, and im back to being an alcoholic.

yesterday was nyc, and it was FABulous.

the night before that was a fun one! mir & me got drunk & walked around town with our guiness extra stouts haha. yessss. then we had a bitch session about ex bf's and from there we started vandalizing hahaha. then i heard alot of stuff my roomate's been saying about me.. it really pissed me off at first, but i have this problem of just not caring anymore. AWESOME!

so that night ruled, i love mir & joy.. they're awesome. and just randomly getting drunk and roaming is so friggin sweeet. why am i talking like this? i think because i'm happy. and it's wonderful. sometimes you just gotta let go of what's holding you back in order to let the new things fall into place. i finally understand that i can do that.

beth just IM'd me and said she might come to play. i wish she would, this place is so different now. sure there's no katey trip, but these new friends i've got are amazing.. they made me love life again when my roomate made me hate it. if i had all of them together - one word - CHAOS!

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coolin out coolin out [13 Apr 2005|07:41pm]
[ mood | even steven ]
[ music | stop crying your heart out ]

i've decided to chill. yeah she's a bitch, and she just pulled that shit again where she comes into the room with someone and acts bitchy towards me, but i don't even care. screw you! i'm having more fun without her and wish i would have done all of this sooner! yesterday i hung out w/ brian at his apt for a while, then went out with steph & darcy & meg & jake & dan at dan's apt. that ruled! tonight i'm going out w/ alyssa, caroline, meg, joy & miranda, and its going to be a-mazing. cool drama free people - just what i needed.

so life, ahhhhhhhh, is good.

side note - the doctor called today. liver function tests - almost back to normal!! so yay, i am workin it! take THAT mononeucleosis or however the fuck you spell that haha.

im getting rid of my roomate, i'm hanging out with cool fun people, my liver is happy with me again, this week has been a good one.. oops. and i hope i get my work done too, that'd be good.

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do NOT fuck with me. [06 Apr 2005|08:05pm]
[ mood | angry ]
[ music | the noise of me breaking her neck ]

i hate her. never in my life have i had anyone put me through this much stress and flat out BULL SHIT. she is absolutely ridiculous, childish, and flat out manipulative. i will get my fucking $500 back. i will get my life back. i will stay the FUCK away from her, because she has done NOTHING for our friendship but walk all over me. i just had a great afternoon hanging out w/ mal & danyl and was so stress free. 2 seconds ago she comes back in the room with chris & says in the bitchest way, "i just came back to get string because i'm ACTUALLY doing homework." after that she said bye or something and i just stayed here typing away. i WILL NOT put up with her bullshit, like what are you implying, that i think you don't do homework? and what, you're going to get attitude because chris is around and then fucking SUCK UP to me when no one's here? i'm sorry, i hate you and i will be a bitch to you in front of anyone that is around because I HATE YOU. i can honestly say i have never hated anyone in my life, but i HATE HER. BITCH - you would have no friends if you never met me, just be glad you have weed in your life because if you didn't, no one would care about you. you are an awful person and they'll all see it after shit goes down like it has between us. you are the epitome of a bitch. everything that surrounds you.

god. you can only have so many talks with a person & say so much to them before you realize that they will never change. i have talked to her how many times? yelled at her how many times? and now, i just ignore her. But bitch, do NOT make my living situation hell. I have one month left and have fucked up enough this semester thanks to you and your manipulative ways.

my therapist said i need to admit that i have anger. that's why i start shaking whenever she's around and can't get over everything she has done to me. anger because i am foolish for trusting her, confiding in her, giving things to her, and putting up with her bullshit for so long. she says I need to admit that I've made a mistake and move on, because yes, it has happend and it is a learning experience. a 500 fucking dollar learning experience. I can't even see straight when she's around because i just want to pummel her to the ground.

QUIT being so negative.
QUIT acting like you're better than me.
QUIT you fucking life you dirty piece of shit.

if she told me she quit school i would FINALLY have a fucking piece of mind.


go to hell you lying piece of shit. if you EVER try and talk to me again after this is all over, i will flat out tell you to burn in hell. and mean it with every fiber of my body. burn. in. hell.

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how about your fist MY FACE?! errr wait.. [01 Apr 2005|01:49am]
[ mood | rad honky donky ]
[ music | the unicorns ]

things are better, the end.

now - for the cutest thing in america:

AndersVby (6:55:20 PM): hey pam, anders here. how are you? just wanted to tell you that I got your screenname from nate and that you now or on my AIM-list.
AndersVby (7:27:41 PM): are, not or...

that's anders the swedish exchange student who is absoLUTELY adorable! well, not in a hump his brains out sort of a way, but a foreign funny way. i gotta stop laughing at people because they're different. AHAHAHAHA!

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[30 Mar 2005|08:49pm]
"The emotional virus lives and thrives in the gap between expectations and perceived reality."

How true to life.
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the roomate from hell & other great friends [28 Mar 2005|12:18pm]
[ mood | thought INTENSE ]
[ music | Bette Midler - oh ya got to have friends ]

well, she's getting another talk today. i printed out that last entry & handed it to her and said, "that's for you. read it." it accomplished nothing. she cried her way out of most of it & i fell for it. she had nothing to say about any of it because she knew she was guilty. and i knew that too, but all i wanted was for her to re-evaluate what she was doing to her life & to mine. Nothing's changed really except she's real perky all the time. That's great, because I'm still a bitch to her. Don't act nice. You owe me fucking money and I want it back. Thank god I only have a month left with you, then BYE BYE!..


So I realized this weekend while talking to my sister, that there are 3 friends in this world that I will love and trust forever. One being Nathan. We talk daily even though he's overseas, and he always listens to me and has great advice. And not once has he ever done anything to hurt me which is amazing, seeing as how I know I'm supersensitive. Two, miss Katey Tripoli. It's funny how you can know someone for only a year, and keep in contact with them more than you do most people. She's always there for me, she understands me, and she is just all around an amazing friend. Without her, I don't know where I'd be sometimes. Third, as odd as it seems, is Beth. We've been through alot, but when it comes down to it, no one knows me like she does. Well, all 3 of them do, but Beth's been there the most & the longest. We have some weird way of singing or dancing or doing some odd thing that only we can understand, which is a connection I love. For some reason I've just finally let go of everything that I was grudging about. And especially after Chad & Adam's deaths, I've really realized how precious time here is. They were so young, and so are we. These 3 people have been there with me through ups and downs, but I don't know.. there's something about them that I will love forever.

Some other people that I have grown apart with, but always want them to be there are.. Katherine. We haven't talked in a while, but there's always a goodness to her that I love. She always keeps it simple and honest. She will always be my Kiola bear. Stephanie. My summer sister. She comes and goes but we always pick up where we left off and nothing changes; she is the same person she was in 9th grade.. and I love her for that. Caitlin. Through good times and bad, she has been there for me. When I was having problems, she was amazing.. always helping me and keeping me sane, even when we were just starting to get to know each other. Garage sales will always hold a special place with her & me. Paul. As weird as it is, Paul sometimes knows more about me than most people. We've kept in touch, and I'm probably one of 3 people he keeps in touch with from high school. He's crazy and fun, and makes me forget my problems.


You realize so much when you get your head out of the clouds. I'm just glad it finally happend.

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RIPPING MY HAIR OUT [23 Mar 2005|06:10am]
[ mood | PISSED ]

it's 6:10 am and I've been up for about an hour now. I can't sleep. Amanda's fucking snoring was ridiculous & i had to yell at her 4 times before it finally stopped. I can't sleep because I'm so pissed off at her. I need to get out all of this stress and fast. I told her yesterday I wanted a single.. but not for the reasons I really want. I basically just said I wanted one and left it at that. But let's go down the list of reasons of why I'm so bitter towards her right now.

she owes me money

she mooches off of brett

she puts me down & makes me feel like shit about myself

she's rude

i babysit her at parties

no respect

1) last semester & the beginning of this semester alone, I have spent at least $2000 I figured out this weekend when I went home. That's alot of fucking money seeing as how I spent it on mainly 2 people, and never went anywhere, never shopped really, maybe once or twice at the goodwill, and will never see it again. I spent it mainly on weed, gas money, cigarettes, food, some dance team stuff, and parties. Ya know what's funny about it though.. is that all of that was spent on two people. I shouldn't have to fund two people, because now I can barely fund myself. Amanda had some money when she came to school fall semester and we split the weed cost usually.. but that only lasted about the first month. Because she barely worked over summer. Sure she'd get money here and there but instead of paying me back, it would go right to the weed. Winter break, she barely works again. I think she made like $49. I work every day for 2 weeks. Does that mean I have to pay for her? She always tells me how broke she is, but that doesn't mean I owe her shit. And then I start to wonder where the money's going.. I go to the bank see my bank statement, flip out because I went from $1500 in my savings to $500 then to $400 now its at $318. And whene I flip out, she has the audacity to tell me the bank is wrong? Take the blame a little! Sure it was my money, but when I take it out and buy us food and cigs and your gas and most of the weed, don't tell me the bank is wrong, WE took that money out and just didn't pay attention and/or didnt care at the time. So one day I was pretty upset after I had to pay her $80 for the boot and realized, "there's no way I'm ever getting this money back." She used to talk about her ex roomate owing her $1000 and how she was taken advantage of. Um, ok. When I got yelled at by my mom for taking money out that I don't have, I ask Amanda when she's getting a job because I want that $80 back. "Well I have this plan to go up and down the strip to look for jobs and I'm not going to stop until I apply at every place." I was happy. I thought she was going to take initative finally and I didn't care how slowly I would get my money back, as long as she could repay me. That initiative shit lasted 1 hour. She goes to one place, takes an hour to fill out the app, and then ends up smoking with Brett. Do you not even care?! And since then I can honestly say I don't think she's applied anywhere else.

Brett Mooching) So now that I've stopped smoking cigs, weed, and stopped drinking, I'm not her bitch anymore. But that's what brett has become. She is down at his appartment all the time because he always buys weed and invites her to smoke. So she lives down there now which is cool with me, but I don't like the comments she says when she comes back. "Brett like wants to spend so much money on me all the time. I don't know why but he just keeps offering to pay for everything." I know why, because you have no money and he's trying to be nice like I was! And the fact that she for 2 weeks now has remained high at LEAST 3 times a day, smoked cigarettes when she needs em, and has had $0 is beyond me. Brett pays for everything and doesn't even notice yet. Kate said she called him her "sugar daddy." well that's cute and all, but it's not nice. Especially when he already had been without her knowing it b/c she pinched out of his bags all the time before. And I admit, I said yeah let's do it, but that was when she kept saying how he owed us money from last semester when he mooched and blah blah. So I thought it was ok. Now I feel like shit and that's why I won't smoke his weed when I go down anymore. He shouldn't have to pay for me, he already has another child to pay for now.

Putting me down) When I started to pledge for ASA, I knew it was going to be hard because I had dance team, radio, and classes on top of that. She didn't make it much easier. Whenever I'd come back exhausted there'd be like a thousand people in the room, people on my computer, and they'd all be stoned telling me how much I'd missed. Thanks guys, I needed that support. And then when I feel I should quit because I'm so stressed, I tell her. And all I got from her was basically an anti-ASA rally. quit quit quit. I don't need you to tell me what to do, I just wanted you to listen. And telling me what to do is something she does often. Telling me what to say to my parents, how I can smoke if I want and live my own life. Telling me that the guy I like is disgusting and not worth it. Telling me to tell Jen Evans off. Telling our lunch table that she is done so she gets up and we all have to? Listen. The world does not revolve around you. And this control thing with making my mind up for me? No. And I hate when she talks about my parents and how weird they are. Fuck you! I love my parents, so they do nice things for me and basically they have for her too. So I come back and say, "what and your family's not?" "Not like your family." I love my family. And I hate that you say anything about them. You know nothing about them. Complete disrespect. She knows nothing about my life anymore because all I get are rolled eyes or laughing in my face. Real mature.

Rudeness) Over summer, she came up to my house with Sarah. I was so excited to have them come and stay. They get there at about 2am stoned of their asses. Ok whatever, I can handle that. So we're thinking of things to do and all she wants to do is smoke. That's it. You came up here just to do that? You do that everywhere else you go why waste your time here doing it. And not to mention the entire time, she was a complete bitch. She made Sarah feel like shit, she made me feel like shit and for what? I don't even know what her problem was. I treated them to plates, I drove them everywhere, I wanted to show them a good time because they're guests in my house. She acted pissed off the entire time. She kept putting me down. When they left Sarah told me how she kept putting her down. WHAT? What was wrong? So Christmas break, she comes up with Brian Morton. And I thought, ok, my parents will be home this time. Let's not go crazy with the smoking. Well that's all she wanted to do still. Don't you want to see anything or do anything? And the attitude again. She acted like a complete bitch and I still don't know why. My parents treated us to a fucking dinner AND a movie. And still that wasn't good enough for her. So the day comes where she's supposed to leave. I couldn't wait, honestly. She was ruining mine & brian's time. "Well, I think I'm going to stay an extra day." and I said "...ok." snap back to attitude, "Is that alright with you?" and I said, "Well you're not really acting like you want to be here, but whatever." She cut the attitude for the most part after that. But then she left the next day anyway. Why did you waste 5 days at my house being so rude to us? Where did that get you? Another control thing.. Nate. Whenever we're talking with him or hanging out, she gets in between us. I never noticed it, but he brought it up. He was drunk one night asking me why I let her boss me around and then said in exact words, "whenever you and I are talking, she pushes you away." She does? She does. I never noticed it. Not until the next day when I went to meet her up at manser for lunch, saw nate, and talked to him outside. We were leaning up against the railing talking to each other, and she literally stepped right in between us and lean against it. Real awkward. Like why did I not notice any of these things before?

Parties) Ok, you know people here, why are you clinging to my side. So when she is bored or doesn't want to stay for whatever reason, apparently we all have to be ready to leave. One time at Sig Tau, I was talking to Ryan. She is tugging at my side like a 5 year old kid. I'm in the middle of conversation, and not about to be as rude as she is, so I keep talking. "PAM WE NEED TO GO OUTSIDE" why? I'm talking. "Um, you can go outside, I'm talking to Ryan here." She storms off. She comes back in looking pissed and says something to me mumbled I didn't hear and I was annoyed so I ignored it. Meg comes over "Amanda's sick we have to leave." "um what?" "she's out front and wants to go." So I said "hold on Ryan." I go out front, stoned off my ass, meg's been drinking, and she's sitting there sick. So she stands up hands me the keys and says "you need to drive we need to go." Um, ok boss sure thing. "I'm not ready to drive Amanda, can't you sit for a minute & wait?" groaning. "I can't drive and i have to go!" I was getting pissed. "I can't drive EITHER. SO come inside and get some water and sit for a minute until I sober up a bit." So finally she agrees, I get her water, we go in and she sits. As soon as we're all hanging out with her again, she's fine. Was she really sick or was this some attention/control thing again.

No respect) The night before my dance competition. I don't think I've ever been this raging in my life. I have to be up at 5:45 to be in the lobby by 6. I've never been up that early. So I get my hair done that Saturday night and then decide to go out which wasn't until like 10:30ish we left. So we get in Amanda's car and go to the slums. The party was ok but we decided to go to the football house. And already I have to drive because she's tanked. I drop them off at the football house, tell them I have to go to Walmart to get last minute shit, and will call when I'm coming back to get them. So I go switch & get my car, go to walmy, and come back and call her. Cell's off. Ok, its already 1:00, I don't have time to wait around, and I know there's no way in hell I can let them try and walk her back. So finally I just decided to go into the house and she starts calling and is drunk off her ass before I get in the door. I can't find her because she's off stumbling somwhere. I find her, it takes a half hour to get her to finally leave, another 15 min to get her in the car, and then the diaster happend back at the dorm. She pukes everywhere and has the door to the stall locked. Ok she mocks me out for gross things all the time and tells me gross I am, well that was the sickest thing I'd ever seen. So I'm trying to help her, get her in the shower, get her OUT of the bathroom so she doesn't get caught. She'd be in so much trouble if someone had walked in there at 3:30 am and saw that mess. So I get about 1.5 hours of sleep before my big competition and was a walking zombie the next day. Then I was all cranky when my parents took me out to dinner and I don't want to tell them that I'm tired as hell because my roomate has no respect for me and does what she wants. I don't want to make her look bad. But why am I covering for her? Like what does that get me? Walked on a little more.


I can't handle it anymore. I'm tired of being disrespected as a friend. Why do I do nice things for people who are just going to make me feel like shit in the end. I can't sleep because I start thinking about everything and have all this resentment towards her. Next semester I am getting a single because I need my own space. I need to be able to think clearly and not put up with bullshit. I never got mad at anyone at high school unless it was worth it. I feel like I'm mad here all the time, I can literally feel my blood pressure through the roof from all this stress. No wonder I have fucking mono. It sucks when someone puts you through so much and you still want to be friends with them. Why? Why am I even wasting my time? All I ask is for respect, some space, friendship and not sneakiness, and, well, my money back.

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i get by with a little help from my sister [15 Mar 2005|12:00am]
[ music | TLC - what about your friends? ]

i could've used some cheering up over break. instead it was just me calling & leaving messages for people who don't care anyways. thank god for ange. i do love steph though.. she did break me out of the house to go to the bank. at least it was something right? i'm just so ready to get out of rochester.. i need fresh faces. i'm taking this to the grave: there is no way in hell i will end up there. i'm getting out and getting away from all of the pressure and weirdness and dramatics that go on there. grow up. if you care, show it a little more.

whatever i'm over it. i'm probably just depressed because i'm still in so much pain. my head is throbbing so i'm just going to bed. grrr. put your smile to the world and your tears to yourself. it's scary how good i've become at hiding these things.

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slow down you crazy child [10 Mar 2005|04:17pm]
[ music | billy joel ]

god everything is so messed up. grandma is in and out of the hospital. i am in out of the doctors. kristy is in labor. kristy will be ok, she's having her baby a month early, but i'm sure everything will go fine. grandma D has been having ruptured things so she's been getting MRI's like crazy, and i can't even go see her because they don't want her to get what i have.

this sucks and i don't know if i'll be ok. i'm pretty pissed at myself for doing, oh, pretty much everything i've done in this lifetime. i went to college and did all these things thinking i was better off experimenting and living my life to the "fullest." well.. we'll see how full it is now. liver problems. spleen problems. the lumps in my neck. i still have to wait on all the test results. but i'm getting really freaked out.. i'm dizzy all the time, constantly in a bad mood, i feel like im on vikodin when i'm taking other things that can't possibly be that strong. i can barely see straight to type this. like, i'm not that out of it because of the meds. i'm just crazy. my parents can't sleep or even go to their jobs because they're home all the time making sure i'm alright and that just makes me feel worse. and i'm acting mad so i don't show how scared i really am. god i hate this. HAJLFHDJFAFJ dammit where did i go wrong?! my health is diminishing so quickly, and i thought it was weird that i got sick all the time at school, but still went out and partied like nothing was wrong. well that didn't help. at this rate i pretty much can never drink again, smoke again, i have to take it easy on the physical activity, and have a strict diet. last night ange busted me out of the house when my parents were at the hospital with my grandma.. we got mcflurries and mine is still sitting in the freezer. it'd be nice if i could keep food down.

at the doctor, mom came in with me today. i didn't want her to. the past couple of days i've been going by myself and just telling her the things she needed to know. well today she insisted she should come in with me, and now she knows too much and is scared. i don't want to worry them.. but now she knows that the doctor doesn't want me to go back to school yet. i didn't want her to know that. i just wanted to go back and take it easy on my own. but now i have to check in with the health center everyday and they have to take blood tests and send them out then report them to my doctor. its insane. i just wanted to do this all on my own and not worry my parents or spend any more of their money. i can't afford to be getting this sick right now. while i'm wasting their money because i can't do anything right in school, i need medication all the time that's costing 60 fucking $ a pop. and not to mention mom's been getting me all these other things to make me feel better which is just making me feel like i'm a waste of money. just kill me now. it'd be much cheaper in the end.

the only good thing i can say is that i'm glad this happend on spring break. as much as it sucks to not really have a break because i'm supposed to sleep 12 hours during the day and when i am awake i'm at the doctor, it's better that i'm home figuring this out rather than being at school where the clinic would basically give me antibiotics..

today the doctor said that it's a good thing i'm allergic to amoxicillin because if i had been given that at the early stages (when i had my ear & sinus infection & the flu), i would have broken out in a huge rash and infected my liver more. grrrrrreat. no, instead i had to get a perscription for zithromax which was $50 and did NOTHING seeing as how my infections & such were just symptoms for what i really have.

right now, i can handle this. i think the worst part of this is my nausea. like the taste & smell of everything is making me sick. if that's the worst thing, then fine, i'll get over it & stay strong and keep fighting whatever is going on in my body. let's just wait to see the test results before i start to really panic.



you got your passion
you got your pride
but don't you know
only fools are satisfied?
dream on but don't imagine
they'll all come true
when will you realize
Vienna waits for you

slow down you crazy child
take the phone off the hook
and disappear for a while
it's alright you can afford
to lose a day or two
when will you realize..
Vienna waits for you.

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i've looked at life from both sides now [02 Mar 2005|09:57am]
[ music | loveactually soundtrack - aka BAD IDEA right now ]

going home tommorrow. that's pretty sweet i guess. there's just alot here i need to get finished.

last night went to the frat house, nate was there, acted really weird. ryan didn't even talk to me. after he came to my game i guess i was embarassed he was there to watch me and ignored him again. then called him and apologized and he said it was cool and we talked for a bit and it was nice. then at the party he ignores me. and so does nate. then all their friends were all up on me. eric actually humped me. nate saw that.. i dont think he liked that so much. so cops are called meg eric & i leave along with half the party (it was like the titanic, so many freaking drunk kids in the street running hahaha)

go to the den, see joe, he says come down to brett's because they're smoking. so i go down with joe and knock on the door... and guess who answers the fucking door. i never thought this would happend in a MILLION years. nate answers the door. FUCKING NATE. so me being drunk, stoned, fucked up in general, go and yell at him. i'm like "listen, why are you ignoring me?!" forgetting there is a room full of people. then i was like why are you here? but i saw tj and chris so i figured it out, the weed situation. they all came down b/c brett is brothers w/ tj & chris (bahaha brett's in a frat, that is funny) i don't think nate knows he's gay or he probably would've ran hahaha. so we all smoke, im the only chick there. then i think nate was pissed that i came down with joe, he probably was weirded out like "who is that kid" b/c it was just the two of us. but it's just joe.

so then he left to go to the bar. i hate that he's 21 now. and i hate that we're all awkward. i just want to grab him, kiss him, and be like, "its you i want, all of them mean nothing to me."

and now all that shit is out of his profile. the weezer song el scorcho. gone. maybe it's just over. it's weird enough and i have NO clue why. like what the fuck is going on. we're ok for a couple days then he's weird again. like what do i do? or what does he think i do?



ok frustration is out. sort of.

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no you can't stay mad at the setting sun [27 Feb 2005|02:36pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | fugees ]

there is so much going on in my brain. at the house friday night, i'll admit it, i looked good. bahaha im an idiot. anyways. nate & i were fine. why does he always leave tho? i walk in, he just looks at me then grabs me and hugs me. then looks at me again, goes out to smoke a cig. i quit the cigs so im inside & not drinking or anything, just hanging out b/c im sick. so next time i see nate he's playing pong w/ his friends. im talking to mikey with amanda & such and then mal comes up to me. ryan's there, and we still talk every now and then. but when he IMs me its like "lets make out" and im like hi we've played that game, and u seem to be playing it with lots of girls. so anyways mal says, "ryan thinks you're so hot" and im like "ok, he just wants ass" and she says, "no pam.. he wants a girlfriend" and im like "well if he's interested maybe he shouldnt be all up on every girl all the time." she knew where i was coming from. so later on ryan comes up and is like "why do you always ignore me?" and i didnt know what else to say.. because i guess i do ignore him. i get nervous around him now for some reason. and i told him flat out "as weird as this may be, im shy. thats it." and we talked for a while after that. well amanda suddenly "had an attack" of some sort and was like tugging at me while i was talking to him. she always does this i've recently noticed. like im her puppet. EXCUSE ME i am talking to someone, you know lots of other people here, talk to them, im not your babysitter. like how do i say this to her without hurting her feelings? i highly doubt she even notices it, but it gets really annoying. like anyone im talking to, guys usually, she's up my ass. let me talk to them and have my own conversation. LET ME LIVE. i don't know. its annoying. i had a long talk about it with my sister last night, so that was good. i got my head cleared alot.

ok, now. goals/objectives.
talk to nate: tell him about the carlos situation. our situation. what does he want?
talk to ryan: apologize for ignoring him. ask him to hang out

& more & more..

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i think i'd be good for you.. [25 Feb 2005|05:07pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | weezer - el scorcho ]

so i figured out the weirdness between nate & i. its amanda. she has a thing for him, i know it. last night we were talking and he asked me if she liked him and i said why? and he said that she always chases me away when him & i are talking. and as weird as that sounds, he hit the nail right on. i dont know what to do about it. ok so this is weird. one night we were both really fucked up and we told eachother that we liked him. so i've backed off from him or whatever for a bit. like we still will go over & hang out with him, but out of respect i've tried to stay away from him in the "liking" aspect for amanda. well she has been all over carlos lately, the two of them have been hooking up, and she really likes him. so i thought ok, nate & i can happen now maybe? she wont be mad? problem is.. i dont think she likes when we're together, like some sort of jealousy thing not on purpose or anything, but because she did have feelings and i know how that is. and nate & i have finally started talking about things rather than just beat around it which has put a smile on my face. well, i dont know how to tell amanda or anyone. i dont want to. thats why i havent said anything to anyone. no one really knows, because i dont want to know their opinion. its nate, yes he does some stuff & has done some stuff in the past, but he's one of the most genuine people? i guess thats the word? i dont know. he's honest. i like that. and he's funny, he's not serious all the time. fuck those emotional kids, they screw with my head. he's just himself and doesn't care who knows. i just gotta figure out a way to confirm the entire situation. i gotta tell meg & amanda and like everyone else. i gotta tell nate haha. GOD this is weird. ok. figuring shit out later. meg's comin over right now.



ps... meg. told me something. its pretty crazy. she's led a fucked up life. thats why she's so down to earth. when she told me i didnt even act surprised or anything, i was calm

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[21 Feb 2005|12:27pm]
[ music | Bright Eyes - No lies, Just love ]

so I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
not this fucking wreck
that's taken its place..

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so when your new eyes meet mine they won't seem alive [20 Feb 2005|06:37pm]
[ music | lots of bright eyes - he rules. ]

fucking nightmares i cant sleep grrr.

im trying to explain. not working. he seems like he's ignoring me. why do i fall in love with every guy who i make eye contact with. i want to start over forget everything. this life would be so different if i had changed so many things. quit smoking cigs today. lungs feel funny though. lover actress sunrise sunset. oo that song i made up when i woke up today. she smokes her life away forgets the pain and exactly the same fate. happy birthday nate. badum dum dum dum.

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why do i keep writing in this focking thing. [15 Feb 2005|08:49pm]
[ music | straylight run cd ]

kevin is back. he won't tell me about anything, but jeff did. god.. he kills me. stuff with nate is going ok i guess. he makes me happy i feel. i dont even know what im doing. ever since requiem for a dream i've always wanted a drug dealing/addict boyfriend. well.. i've almost got my wish haha. he's a sweetheart, nothing like ANY other guy. maybe thats why i like him. he's fucked up. its so interesting all the time. i like getting stoned and lying on the floor staring at the ceiling, playing with the cat's at mikey's apt. i figured out what it is about him. he has the same personality as ben. the same "fucking with people, pushing the envelope" sort of humor where he pisses people off because its funny to him. and for some reason i love that. he's different. he's calm, nerdy at times, funny, manly, haha oh my god i'm weird.

meg jeff amanda & i = apt next semester = EXCITED! weird that it's kev's old place.. i already called any room but his. whoa. as soon as i said that he returned from away online. ahhh dammit stop thinking about him.

i cant stop thinking about my talk with jeff last night about kev.. how in the hospital he was in that room by himself in sweatpants and a tshirt and nothing else in the room. i can't believe he's that fucked up.. whatever we're not together but it's freaking me out thinking about him like that.

so i can't stop saying it, but this semester here really rules. i love being off campus all the time, dancing is amazing, the people are just excellent, and still something is missing. i have this incomplete feeling all the time. maybe that's just the drugs.. anyways.

i need to get my guitar out and play with that.
i need to talk to nate and see what is going on. why can't we talk about this shit. we can sit there and just be and thats the way i loved it. not saying anything, just knowing. but now i feel like we need to acknowledge it or something. ok no time for writing any of this, gotta save it for my session tommorrow. that's right, im going home for a day!!! WooT.

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just when things are going so right [29 Jan 2005|10:32am]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | teacher - george michael ]

i was fucked up outta my mind last night when i hear that.. ugh.. kevin tried to kill himself. i feel stupid and ignorant and i'll probably never see him again because he's home now, and i'll never get to tell him everything i've ever wanted to say to him. i love the way he laughs, smiles, jokes, removes himself from stupid parties with me, drunk phone calls on new year's telling me there's something about me. i should've known something was up.. his favorite movie is rules of attraction. i miss him. i wish i didn't ignore him this past month because i was mad at him. i wish at that party i moped at, i would've smiled for him because i think he needed that. i wish i hadnt met "my soulmate" for that one day and purposely try to make kev jealous. im staring at that picture of us just thinking.. two years of on and off nonsense and now he's really gone.

well i guess we're all really fucked up now aren't we.








teacher.. there are things that i dont want to learn..

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[23 Jan 2005|06:59pm]
last night i was so drunk i thought i was going to marry him.. now today we've talked once & i feel like a stalker. so confusing.
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