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[02 Apr 2003|10:45pm] |
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well yesterday i didnt do anything . i wanted to go to younglife but i didnt . me and sharef couldnt find a ride . earlier yesterday me bader and sharef just kinda went walking around . after burger king of course . and then today i had a normal day . terra nova testing ug . well afterschool me and jessie were supposed to do something with dan . me and bader went over jessies with her and we tried to call dan . didnt answer his cell phone and wasnt home when we called his house . we ended up going to burger king because we couldnt get a hold of dan . so we go there and then go back to my house . we end up sitting around still trying to get a hold of dan . then we just got annoyed and left . we went to baders house and then just started walking again . we went to burger king again and sat around with brittany outside with some of these skaters that i know too . then we went to marcs to get gum and it was already time for jessie to go home . so me and bader walk around a little more and then end up going to my house . there were a bunch of my brothers friends already here when we got here . then bader left . i talked to dan online and of course i was pissed . who wouldnt be? and then we decided to still do something tonight . it was only like 8:30 so it wasnt really late yet . then he just kinda said hes not guna . so that pissed me off even more . then he said how about tomorrow when i cant because i kinda already have somewhere to go . also id most likely end up getting ditched again so whats the point? i like him soo much and yet i dont have the slightest clue if he likes me and well it pretty much sucks . ive been screwed over way too many times and im just sick of being blown off . i dont have anybody to tell me whats good about me or what they like and why they like it . i just get led on and then told whats wrong with me . thats it . my family and home life got about a million times worse in the past 2 days . everything is just fucked up . i fight with my dad all the time and i cant stand my mom . i cant stand my brother and his friends so basically im alone on this too . i got used to the whole everybody smoking weed freely thing and now its like just as basic as using the bathroom . but when my mom went to the store the other day , i found something i know i shouldnt of . that ruined my day .. my outlook of everything .. hell that one little thing just changed everything and made it worse . i never thought my life could get any worse than it already is . but i guess i was wrong . i blew up on my mom today . i said some things that i know i should regret but i hate to say it . she deserved everything . i also got into a huge fight with my dad . now the whole dan thing . i just cant stand anything anymore . around 8:30 after dan told me he wasnt doing anything with me i flipped . i dont know why i just did . and i had to get out . so i grabbed my discman and just left . i didnt tell anybody where i was going i just started bawling and walked out the door . and of course nobody came after me . nobody asked me what was wrong . nobody cared . first i walked down to grant . i sat by the bars for awhile and just cried . then i slowly made it around the whole playground . just picturing myself in 1st-5th grade playing with my friends . i remember specific details of certain days . and i could just see everybody right in front of me . i sat on this certain ledge on the playground and just looked straight . i started bawling and just recalled my 4th grade track and field day . i remember everything about that exact moment . when i was about to do my 40 m dash for the championship . my parents came to watch me . they were still together and my brother was standing with them . they were cheering me on . then i glance over at them and my mom and dad are together . everythings perfect . everybodys happy . then my dad kissed my mom . i can remember what they were wearing . where everybody was . i just remember everything . i was happy for a second . being back to normal again . then i realized i was sitting alone in the middle of the playground 5 years later . hating everything about my life . wanting to kill myself almost everyday . then i just compared my old life to the one i have now . and its horrible . i dont deserve this . i came home . went straight to my room . and cut . i hate myself and my life . im done with everything ..
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| interesting weekend ... |
[30 Mar 2003|06:14pm] |
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well this weekend was .. interesting . friday i didnt go to school because i had a really bad throat problem . i woke up around 4 and then made my way over to jessies around 5 . lizzie was there and she left about 5 minutes after i got there . then me and jessie sat around . walked around the block . then walked to burger king . i got some food like usual . then made our way over to caribou so she could get her caramel cooler . she ended up spilling it all over me . so then we were walking home and we got stalked by these 10 year olds . all the way up my street . i was talking to scott online and he ended up coming over . then me and jessie left scott my brother and josh at our house playing basketball and we went to malleys . then everybody went home . yesterday jessie came over and sharef did too . we went to bk and then sat around at my house . then bader and ed show up looking for something to do . so we went driving around to various places . we went bascially everywhere . then they all slept over . we went to bp at like 2 to buy popcorn and we wanted to see if this limo was still parked in the parking lot of malleys so well we did and sharef stole the hood ornament off of it . haha . and well today im stuck sitting here with emily which sucks because shes sooo annoying ! help! well yea . i talked to dan on the phone forever . it was nice . ahh gota go my shows on! peace '`!
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| fucked over once again .. |
[27 Mar 2003|11:29pm] |
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hmm lets see he likes him ex-girlfriend . that makes me feel a whole lot better about myself . not . well hey now we barely talk . its all awkward and it just really sucks . i hate being led on it always happens to me . i havent had a boyfriend since god .. october and ive gotten screwed over like 6 times . my home life sucks so badly its not even funny . ahh i hate life . nobody cares which makes it worse
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| good times |
[26 Mar 2003|11:01pm] |
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well yesterday i went to the mall afterschool with my brother and dad . i got some new shoes . etnies baby . and some flip flops . then i got home at like 7 i think and went online . of course . i talked to mike for awhile . ate some food . then mike picked me up at like 7:45 . we left and went to the movies . when we got there rick was standing in line with his son and his friend . younglife was last night and for some reason rick was skipping it . i think he might of found out about how everybody wants him out . well we saw how to lose a guy in 10 days . we missed the beginning but i caught on to what was happening after awhile . then the movie ended at like 10 and i didnt have to be home until 11 so we just went back to his house and watched some tv . i went home around 11 then went to bed . today i went to school with the biggest fag smile on my face . saundra was like making fun of me because i couldnt stop smiling . i walked around with her and brikena for a little bit because we were all there early . i didnt swim in gym once again . then afterschool i went over mikes with him . we were trying to find something to do and ended up watching hercules . lol and then some tv . i almost fell asleep . then he drove me home . sharef was over and my dad was home . i fell asleep on the couch . just woke up not too long ago . sharef heated up a bowl of spaghetti for me . ashleys over and sharef went over kyles 10 minutes ago to get his sweater . hes back . i keep running in and out of the kitchen and living room so i can watch american idol lol . i havent liked anybody this much in awhile . its crazy . i tried not to like him because i wasnt guna bother getting a boyfriend because everything always fucks me over but i dono . i cant help it . hes just great .. ahh well im guna go
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| ahhh!!! |
[24 Mar 2003|10:21pm] |
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tomorrow is going to be one of the best days of my life .. haha .. goin to the movies and i cant wait! wish me luck
i really like him ..
by the way .. its not the same 'him' from the last update
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| fuck life .. |
[24 Mar 2003|09:27pm] |
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hmm lets see .. i went to school . and i was actually there 1st period . i got into another fight with my english teacher nothing new . failing geometry but i still have to turn in makeup work so who knows . i have an orchestra concert soon . not really inportant its not like anybody goes to them . failing gym but i dont really care because im guna take summer gym . failing spanish but i need to make up tests . doing fine in history surprisingly . science i have to makeup tests . i have to do all of this before friday . after school i went over jessies house with jessie and lizzie . then lizzie went home and me and jessie went to my house . we got money from my dad and sharef was there . then all of a sudden ryan and balmer are walking by and they were going to burger king and so were we so we just went together . jessie didnt have to be home until 7 so we just kinda walked around . it was really nice out and it was a great day . yet i couldnt find a way to be happy . i mean whats there to be happy about? my family? ha no .. my friends? ha no .. my boyfriend? ha the one i dont have .. how wealthy i am? too bad im poorer than poor .. school? yea right .. life just all around sucks . and the only thing that is going through my head is to well .. something really bad . ive been doing a lot of thinking and it seems like the only sensible thing to do . i cut again today . i gota cut that habit but it just seems to help . ahh who cares anyways . i got blown off by a certain someone last night and well that kinda ruined my whole "oh make the best of my shitty life" mood . nothing good will ever happen to me ..
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| fuck |
[23 Mar 2003|02:46pm] |
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this weekend started out good . friday went to zachs house with sharef and set up for his surprise party . it was fun . left at like 12 . saturday i woke up and went to target with my mom and lizzie . got into a huge fight with my mom and said i wasnt guna go to mardi gras because i didnt have anything to wear . then i changed my mind and went over jessies . we just made an outfit out of some clothes i had . julie sarah and christina went to get some "stuff" and then brittany stayed at jessies and me and jessie went down to the party station and then burger king then my house then back to jessies . then went to christinas . we all got ready and rachel and her friends were there . then we all went to the dance . it was sooo much fun . there were some drunk people there which kinda ruined parts of it . i danced with this junior named ben that like basically told me he stalks me . long story . then afterwards kailey-christina-jessie-danner-aj-mario-jared-sharef-ed-chris-ted-jay-alex-and joe came over . only some of them slept over tho . i was sitting in my bros room when they were all smoking and i kinda got high off contact soo i did some stuff that i kinda regret but oh well . then this morning ted and chris left as soon as we all woke up . me and kailey went up to the donut shop . then we came back everybody ate . we sat around then kailey jessie and christina left . and well my weekend was going good until about 20 minutes ago when i got totally shot down by the guy ive liked well since ive met him . but of course this always happens to me so its not like im not used to not being liked . . .
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| i actually had fun for once .. |
[17 Mar 2003|02:44pm] |
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ahh .. havent updated in awhile . ive been writing in my other one . well nothing exciting has really happened . derek asked me out saturday night . i said i had to think about it . i havent been in school since tuesday because ive been sick with some virus and some kinda kidney problem that caused back problems . so friday i wasnt allowed out of the house so i stayed home and sat around . jessie came over and then kyle and tyler came looking for my brother and ended up staying over and watching movies with us . then everybody went home and me and my mom went and rented sweet home alabama and 40 days and 40 nights . both really good movies . saturday i woke up around 2 because derek came over . we just sat around didnt really do anything , watched some tv and just talked . then he left around like 6 to go over matts house . i took a bath yada yada yada and then lizzie came over and we went over matts house . it was me lizzie matt derek and dan o . it sucked . the only thing we did was watch the ring and then sat in the basement . we left at like 12:15 because lizzie had to be home at 12:30 . we walked lizzie home , dan went home , and then they walked me home . thats when it happened . i dont really want to go out with him . ahh i hate it when this kinda stuff happens . when you dont want to make a decision but you have to very soon . well then i just sat at home and watched movies again of course . we didnt have school today (monday) because of some kinda teacher thing . so yesterday me lizzie and jessie decided to go to dairy queen . jessie came over and then we walked to lizzies . ed-ben-miranda-shane and thats all i could see came at the same time to pick katie up . so me and jessie walk up to the door and ed walks up nest to us . hes like "where are you guys goin" and i said dairy queen and then hes like "you here for lizzie?" and i said yea . so katie answers the door and eds like "is lizzie home we want to go to dairy queen" and katie looked a little confused .. it was funny . then lizzie and katie both come out and ben and ed are like "we're goin to dairy queen with them" so we drove to dairy queen adn it was closed . then i said "wouldnt it be funny if we drove through the drive through like 5 times and stopped at the window and tried to get icecream" soo of course knowing ed we just had to go throught the drive through a million times . well we gave up on that one and just went to burger king . a bunch of other people showed up for like 5 minutes at the most . then they all left . then harry dustin and dan show up . ben and ed left and went to lakewood park . then we didnt have anywhere to go and we were about to just go home when dan took jessies cell phone and said theyre going to dustins .. soo we followed because it was her moms cell phone . that wasnt why we went really because i wanted to go because it was something to do .. theres another reason buut im not guna say . well anyways then we got like a street away and lizzie asked where dustin lived and they told her so then we decided to go to my house since it was closer and lizzies mom was picking her up from there around 11:30 . the walk home was fun .. i dont know why it just was . we get to my house to find out my tv doesnt work . so we just sat around and talked it was a lot of fun . then lizzie harry and dustin left and it was me dan and jessie . not sure why dan stayed but i didnt mind at all .. we watched some movies and then dan left around i think it was 2 .. i dono i wasnt paying attention to the time . it was weird hanging out with dan because we were really on speaking terms but i guess we are now which is good . looks like nothings guna happen but oh well at least we're friends i guess .. well kyles yelling at me ..
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[11 Mar 2003|10:55pm] |
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today has to be the worst day of my life . im done . im done with everyone and everything . nobody reads this thing soo im just guna not make it public . theres no point
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| bye |
[11 Mar 2003|07:31pm] |
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i hate life . im not getting better . somethings wrong . everythings wrong . im about to do something i know ill regret . but who cares anyways .. nobody bye
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| craptastic weekend !@#$%&*! -- :| |
[09 Mar 2003|06:43pm] |
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well i didnt go to school thursday or friday because of migranes . i missed my two day english test . oh well ill make it up when i go back . i have to go to the doctor sometime soon because my migranes havent gone away for 4 days and well i havent slept at all . ive taken too much aspirin and well just about every kind also . friday i called lizzie and she said since i wasnt in school she didnt think id be allowed to do anything so she already made plans with chelsay . and well chelsay doesnt like me very much . then i went online like usual . i was talking to danielle when she said that margo couldnt go to the movies with her so she wanted me to go . just about 5 minutes before she said that i asked jessie if she wanted to do something so i asked danielle if jessie could come too . so then chris picked me up and we went and got jessie then went to danielles house . anton called danielle and him , john , and sean picked us up . we were supposed to go to valley view and anton said he knew where it was . we were driving and then somehow ended up in like brookpark . he didnt have the slightest clue where he was going so after about an hour of finding out where we were we took them back towards lakewood and we just went to westgate . as we were getting out of the car , all of a sudden i see derek . he asked me if i wanted to go see the same movie as him and his friends so we could chill . then i told him id have to check with my friends first . well we decided to go to westwood since derek was there and to me would be a little strange . soo we get to westwood and decide to see bringin down the house . it was a really good movie and hilarious! the movie ended around 12 and we went and dropped jessie off at home then stopped at my house to tell my mom we were going back out . we went driving around for awhile and then they took us into the complete ghetto it was soo funny . sean wouldnt stop saying "gangsta" everything was either gangsta or pimp to him .. haha . we went to various places then finally came home around 3-3:30 . then we all just chilled at my house till like 4:30 and they left and then me and danielle went to sleep . i woke up fairly early and sharef was awake . we just kinda sat around and watched tv . danielle was still sleeping considering the fact it was like 8 am . i called lizzie later around like 1 and asked her if we were doing anything that night and she said yes . so i was guna just call her back . well i talked to her again and she said shed call me back when matt called her . she never did . then me and my bro went up to the cage and played some bball for like 2 hours . then sharef left around 6 . derek called me and told me that they were all guna go see harry potter at detroit theatre . i hate the detroit and well chelsay was going and lizzie said she wasnt going to do anything with us that night soo i didnt really want to go . i was hoping theyd change thier minds . then matt called me a little bit after that and told me what everybody was doing . nothing changed of course . and i guess chelsay and lizzie were going over his house . so i told him to have lizzie call me when she got there . when i talked to derek he said that the movie started at 7:15 . well it was 8:15 and they still never called . i was talking to danielle (she was supposed to go with us too) and well we decided to do something . so she brought over some movies that we planned on watching . then jessie came over and we started one of the movies (confessions of a serial killer) jeff was over . anton called danielles cell phone and said him and john were coming over . when they got to my house we made them take us to subway . then we came back to my house and watched more movies . around 3 jessie and danielle made them go get mcdonalds . i fell asleep of course . then they left because my mom yelled at me .. they were supposed to be gone by 12 but i fell asleep . jessie danielle and jeff ended up sleeping over . i woke up with a migrane like usual danielle left around 12 and jessie left around 10:30 jeff left around 1 . i was supposed to go to the car show with danielle anton and john today but since i got in trouble im not allowed to leave the house . i didnt really wana go anyways . well ryans over and emily isnt coming tonight . my mom told me i have to make an effort to spend more time with her . ugg . well im guna go get me some spaghetti-peace
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| quiz .. ;] |
[06 Mar 2003|09:41pm] |
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you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse
which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| boring .. :| |
[05 Mar 2003|11:00pm] |
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well today i came home from school .. fell asleep . then woke up at like 6 . had to sit here and babysit emily and ryan . mom went to work . kyle had jeff jason and ryan over then we ordered pizza . i put the kids to bed yada yada yada . and here i am . not a very eventful day . incredibly boring
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| wh00p wh00p `!@#$%^ -- eRin r0cks~! |
[03 Mar 2003|10:40pm] |
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not a very interesting day .. afterschool i went to burger king with lizzie matt dan and drew . that was fun . i got a crown . and the smelly guy whos there all the time drew pictures on the inside of it for me and lizzie lol . then i just went home . sharef and redlight were over . then kyle came over . we played some bball in the freezing cold i kicked ass .. whoop whoop ::dances:: anyways ~ tomorrow is the all around club for younglife . im excited . i dont want to go to school tomorrow but i have to go to kick madelyne and roosh's asses at badmitten . and i wouldnt want to lose my 5 cents in the bet i have with my science class that i can make it to school everyday 1st-9th period for a whole week . gota get that 5 cents! well my brothers being a bitch .. peace
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| blah blah blah .. |
[02 Mar 2003|01:51pm] |
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well .. thursday lizzie and sharef came over . we made french fries and cupcakes because we're losers like that . umm friday christina came over . she was in lakewood for the weekend . then jessie and lizzie came over . we met matt and derek up at bowling . haha it was fun . i beat lizzie by one but matt and derek beat us both . christina and jessie didnt bowl . then we all walked up to burger king but they just closed . we saw sharef and the new kid kyle there so then we all went to caribou and then went back to my house . matt derek and lizzie left at like 11:30 then sharef jessie kyle and christina all slept over . in the morning they all left and then me and lizzie went to the rec games . we stayed until like 12:30 then got a ride home from jessi . i went back to sleep and like an hour later i woke up to sharef jumping on my bed . him and kyle came back over . then they left . me and my brother went outside played some bball . lizzie came over around 7 and then we met matt and jacob around drug mart . we went to burger king and got some food then went back to matts house . derek and his friend aaron showed up for like 5 minutes . then they left of course . jacob left shortly after that . then i was the lovely third wheel again . dan called and matt invited him over so then me and dan went up to the mini mart . when we got back matts dad gave us a ride home and thats bout it . today i woke up at 1 .. which is wierd . kyle and my dad are going to the car show and then my moms going to work . so i get to stay home and watch emily and ryan . yay .. welp im out peace
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| ahh! :| |
[26 Feb 2003|10:38pm] |
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i definately cant stand my mom anymore . theres nothing to eat at my house . shes been at work . i have no money but she does . she wont give me any money to get anything . yet shes going out to blow all the money she just got to get drunk . nice huh? what really sucks is im getting into my "mood" again . im becoming how i used to be like 5 months ago . which isnt good . i think negatively about everything and i hate everyone and everything . somebody says something good to me i imediately fight about it and disagree to the point i get them to hate me . im almost to the point of just becoming a complete loner . i piss too many people off and everybody i ever like ends up hating me before anything can happen . its already kinda already shown in certain situations happening lately and im afraid im going to screw up the little bit that i have of "happiness" right now . and i cant help it . and ive been thinking and well i dont think i deserve a boyfriend . i really dont . not that i could get one or anything haha .. well im out - peace
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| i always screw everything up .. |
[25 Feb 2003|12:08am] |
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i cant stand my house anymore . i cant stand the people in it or the people who come over . i cant stand whats going on in it . i just hate it here . i wish i was somewhere else . theres limited people i trust and care about . and by limited i mean like 2 . theres just nobody special in my life anymore . ive been thinking about it and well they all died . ah i hate everything . and when i get in this mood i tend to take everything out on everybody and well i think i just screwed myself over with dan . damnit . im just not guna talk to anybody anymore . hey at least it will please everybody else right? ..
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| ahh .. |
[24 Feb 2003|07:45pm] |
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i didnt sleep at all last night . and i havent slept all day . just havent slept period . ive had the worst migrane for the longest time . my mom told me to take advil a million times . and i think ive taken maybe 6 and not a thing has happened . it kinda went away . my dads over . we're all watching seinfeld . i should be doing homework . oh well . i got bored so i thought id change everything . i tend to do that a lot . im working on a new icon . im making it now they just take forever . i get to go shopping tomorrow with my dad . that should be interesting . well yea ive officially completely given up on guys . well im guna go finish my icon seeing as theres nothing else better to do .. peace
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| ahh kill me! put me out of my fucking misery .. :| |
[23 Feb 2003|02:58pm] |
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yea well my mom has a hangover of course . shes been promising to take me to the mall today for about 3 weeks . she even fucking wrote in on the calendar . but now shes once again too tired . sick . and the weathers bad . she always makes some excuse . god she pisses me off and i cant stand her or anybody whos in my house anymore! i think im for sure moving out this time . ill move in with my dad and just sleep on the couch or something . i cant stand being around this anymore . everything sucks . id explain but i dont even know who actually reads this . i have nobody to talk to . i dont have many close friends . im poor . i dont have a boyfriend . im failing like all my classes . im always sick . according to the "doctors" im developing "mental problems" as they like to put it . and well theyre telling me i might be biopolar . and yes for all of you who read this im suicidal .. ha there told everybody .. well technically not everybody because nobody reads this but oh well . fuck it im not important to anybody soo why should i care who reads this? welp im out . peace
**edit note-- i wasnt in a good mood and prefer to put all that in the pst ;]
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