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Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

    Time Event
    10:24p
    this is pathetic
    It is so dumb that I only post like once a month. Maybe that will change. After all I will have a computer! So rather than recap, I think I am just going to write what is on my mind, which is a lot. It is going a mile a minute... i just wish i could capture with words the images that i see as fast as i see them. hey, you'd understand if you were in my brain.

    So I am really extremely bored. All I have done in the last couple of days is watch movies and such. I have seen a lot of interesting movies but still! The only outcome of this is me realizing that i need to see both the third matrix and the third lord of the rings and no one to go with. Plus I can't wait for the third x men. lol. my goal this break was to read as much as possible. i just don't want to do anything... unless it involves other people. but only certain people

    I am so annoyed with my mullen friends. But I am not sure that it is right to call them that. I have met so many cool people in the last few months. These people see me as me. I am alice, the girl in their graphic design class, or the girl down the hall, or the one that shows up a party and orders pizza for everyone, or the one from colorado that swears its the best state, the one that parties with kiki on fridays and lorelei every once in a while, meg's roommate, etc... When I walk into a room people say "Alice! how are ya!?" and they actually seem to care. some of my friends from here don't really seem to notice that i walked in at all. i am just taken for granted. Now i have to back up....

    I didn't get back home until the beginning of last week. The first night I was here everyone went to the zoolights. I found out/ was invited too late for me to go, so i didn't. Then i was invited for New Year's eve, but already kinda had plans with other people. After that it was impossible to get ahold of people. They didn't bother to call me until saturday, but again i already had plans. Each time this happened they would say "whats your excuse?" jokingly. But it still pissed me off. Your asking me what my excuse is when you are the ones not anwering my phone calls?!

    So after all this, i do finally hang out with them and we go to the grizly rose. it was fun, but not because i interacted with any of them, but because i had fun dancing. I didn't feel like i was part of the group. It was like I had to fight to be part of conversations asking "whats going on?" Then I wonder.... and realize, i don't think i was ever actually part of the group to begin with. So maybe I should just say screw it. if they call me and invite me to something i might go. But I am not going to count on it and wait around anymore. I have better friends. While in colorado i would much rather spend time with Elisabeth, Ryan, Dustin, and Joanna.

    I realize something else.... these people have always been true friends. these friendships have been tested. and we still hang out. I don't ever feel like i am being blown off, or left out. Elisabeth and I have remained friends from several states away and almost 4 years, Joanna and I didn't see eachother much during the year when we didnt' have ballet, then Ryan and Dustin live so close but I hardly ever see them. These are the people that I have the best memories with. Its sad. It kinda feels like I wasted my highschool years.....

    I am glad that I realize now who to hold on to. And hopefully I will take that with me to my friends at school. I can't wait to see them again, hopefully it will be even more fun next semester!
    So I guess this has become more focused then I thought it would be....

    Current Mood: thoughtful
    Current Music: silence

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