||The Deftones - "Ripe"
I'm having problems with thinking about cutting. Thank God I'm not actually doing it, but just the thought bothers the hell out of me. How am I supposed to become a psychologist, and guide people, when I, myself, am not mentally healthy?
We had exams today, but in my art class, we didn't have one. I was sitting there, studying for my next exam when I got the urge to cut my stupid wrist. I tried to ignore it, but finally I gave in to just scratching my wrist to death under my table. It left small red marks for a little while... It was comforting in a way. Dumb bitch... I can't believe myself.
But, this is nothing new. I've been thinking about self injury/mutilation for a long time. Probably since I was ten or younger. I've thought about suicide. Almost obsessed about it. Thought of notes. Thought of ways to do it. I've never actually gotten to the point of writing out a note, or even close to trying it.
I've only once tried to cut myself, and it was with a safety, shaving razor. (Shows you how much I actually wanted to do it.) I tried to cut my knee, but sliding the thing back and forth just made me cringe, and tiny cuts seem to hurt more than big ones, so I stopped. I was angry, and upset. With my step mom and with myself, and with the arthritis I shouldn't have...
For a while I thought that listening to rock and depressing music was actually influencing my feelings, even though I thoroughly believed that you really couldn't be affected like that. I came to the conclusion that you have to have underlying problems and associations with the music and words to be affected like that. Rather than taking away the music, you should confront the problem.
I don't know what my problem is, how should I confront what I can't see? I've thought that I had clinical depression, but I don't think it's really severe enough to be that. I think I have anxiety, but who doesn't?
By the time I'm twenty, I think I'm going to be a real wreck.
Another factor to my increasing depression/anxiety/aggression/aggrivation is the fact that I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life quickly. I'm going to be moving to Jacksonville in about a year, out on my own, with John and probably one of his friends to help pay rent. I've never worked before. I'm sure there are a lot of people who haven't had a job by 18 though, right? I don't have my driving permit yet either. I finally finished the required Drug, Alcohol, and Driving class today. I took it online. It was easy...
I need to do my nails again.. One of them is almost perfect though, so I don't want to take the nailpolish off. I can't really, unless I pick them, because I don't have any nail polish remover.
I tried to fix up this layout as best as I could. I want to learn how to do my own style even though I don't have a paid account... Maybe there's just no way.
John's friend showed up at his house unexpectedly while we were planning on what we were going to do after he went to the gym. All the guys were going to meet up at a house. So, of course John went. He can't seem to back out on his friends, even if it's for me. Even though it's their fault they showed up at his house without warning. So, he didn't go to the gym, and he won't be home until 5:30pm so we can hang out. We were planning at 1pm. I don't like going places later in the day because there's a lot of people around. The only place to do anything around here is at the town centre down the street, so it's extremely crowded, getting worse as the night goes on until about 12pm. If it wasn't so crowded, I would love it.
So now, when we go out, we usually just drive if he has no money, or we go get sushi if he does. It's hard to just go to his house or stay at mine because both of our parents just suck. We don't bother them the whole time we're together, except John's mom always makes dinner, but they're still bothered by someone else being in the house. What I hate the most though, is that John's mom lets his friends come over and stay over unexpectedly, or they can stay really late. The latest I was able to stay there was 12 one night, because I couldn't get a ride home before then, John couldn't drive, and she didn't want to. Usually though, I have to leave at 9pm or no later than 10pm. But, whatever. I guess that's not too early.