Alice Is' Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Alice Is [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Moo. [17 Aug 2003|06:12pm] Sorry I haven't updated, not that anyone is really waiting for me to talk about anything. School's started, and I swear I have carpel tunnels in my hands from sitting at the computer so much, so I'm trying not to be here. Plus I keep forgetting about this journal because I only update it when I'm having a problem I don't want most of my friends knowing about. I haven't been writing poetry much either, at my sushikitten blurty. Moo on me. I have to do a Senior Project at school. Just thinking about it makes me want to get sick to my stomach. 15 hours of community service, 10 minute speech at the end of the year, a physical project with at least 15 hours put into it, I need a mentor (which I got, and I barely know the woman, and I hear from so many people that she's mean). And there are other things to do in between. I have to keep little journals to show progress, which won't kill me. It's the community service and project I'm worried about. I whole report I can do easily, the speech I could do while shaking so violently my stomach starts coming up. I had to do a 2 minute (no more than 2:03, no less than 1:57) speech about myself the other day. Thank God she made us bring in objects, I had a teddy bear to squeeze for dear life, and a photograph of my sisters, which was shaking so much in my hand it was probably loud than my voice. I got 2:03 though. I wasn't prepared, and I thought we would be able to bring a paper up there with us, but alas, we weren't. Luckily I knew enough about what I wrote (myself) that I could do it pretty easily. I was nervous as fuck. However nervous fuck is, it's a lot. Anyway... many people have been asking about my webpage. My step mom, my uncle. I'm glad I never let myself get too personal there, and just in my other journals. I wish I could be personal there, though. Maybe I should recreate my old Alicticity site. I dunno... It never had much content. It's just hard. It would be hard to maintain two personal websites. Gotta go. give me lovin'.

[27 Jul 2003|05:59pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | Saliva - "Always" ] I don't mean to neglect, but it happens. Nothing to talk about. I'm semi-mentally stable. Thinking about what I want for Christmas. And how hard living on my own is going to be. And how I want to move out right now. And how I've stopped writing poetry again. And drawing. I'm getting lazy. I haven't been eating half as much as I was at my mom's though. But I'm eating badly. Peanut butter sandwiches, and whatever John will buy me. Lots of McDonald's. We had Chinese at 11pm the other night. I ate at his house one night, wasn't bad at all. His mom's a good cook. I want Spaghettios. 3 kisses - give me lovin'.

Miss me? [23 Jul 2003|06:28pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | t.a.t.u. - "Clowns" ] I know you did. I miss me too sometimes. I'm so glad to finally be home. My cluttered, incredibly random room is such a beautiful site. My frozen, Windows 95 computer for me, and only me. And of course, I am so much closer to John than I was when I was in PA. I've seen him every day so far since I've gotten home. He picked me and my sister up at the airport on Sunday. Forgot where in the parking garage he parked. He didn't even know what floor he'd parked on. Silly boy. Monday he picked me up around 11 or 11:30 am, and we went out for lunch at Saikyo. Sushi. Mmmm.. It was so good. Burnt my tongue on miso soup. Had hot green tea to drink. Cucumber roll, tuna roll, California roll, Rocking Roll, and two French rolls (we ordered one to go). The rocking roll had smoked eel, or some kind of eel. It was pretty good. My favorite is still the french roll. Cream cheese, avacado, I dunno what else, wrapped in rice and crepe. It melts all over your mouth. Another roll I really like is the Australian roll at Yae sushi, salmon, cream cheese, avacado, with kiwi on top. Good stuff. I love sushi.. I've been downloading music like a maniac. No problem there though.. After sushi, we decided to go to his house, even though his mom didn't want us there when she wasn't. God it was nice. I love being alone with him. Lately I've been apprehensive about kissing him in public, I'm not sure why, I used to make out with him right at school. It was nice feeling him touch me again. I was sensitive to every movement, even his breath between my legs kept me turned on. We went from the bed, to some couch cushions on the floor where we ate our French roll, and then he was back between my legs. I want him... We still haven't had sex. I know I couldn't. I'd get so crazy worrying about whether or not I was pregnant, even if I used 50 contraceptives. I was thinking about anal, but I don't know if I could do that. I think it would hurt like a bitch. Last night John and I went to Ross and I got some shoes. (Went to Payless to return shoes that I wasn't crazy about and, I think, payed too much for.) Then we drove to Blockbuster, didn't find anything. And then we went to McDonald's. He made a good burger. I dunno why it was so good, he doesn't know why it was so good, it was just so good. =P I sound so retarded. I went to the beach today for the first time in two months. I think I got burned, but, I don't care. It was so nice to walk on the skillet they call sand, and walk in the ice cold water. I love laying there, soaking up the sun, sweating to death, trying to pretend I'm cute and petite in my pink bikini. I wish John could've come with us though. I love going to the beach with him. I can't wait until we move to Jacksonville together. We'll be able to go whenever we have the time and the urge. I'd like to have sex on the beach some day. I also want to get married on the beach, but marriage isn't a priority for me. I'm more worried about just having a partner, actually, just having John. I don't think marriage is neccessary to show someone you really love them and want to be with them forever. The best way to show that is to do it. Doesn't it take more commitment to do that without getting married anyway? If you're married you can't be with anyone else, if you're not married and you're not with anyone else, then you just don't want to be with anyone else. I'd rather know that my partner didn't want anyone else, rather than couldn't have anyone else. Anyway.. I'm just blabbering. I'm trying though, to keep this journal updated. I always slack off. I think it's just that I have so many journals, I only use this one for things that I don't want other people to read. Most of what I wrote in this entry wasn't really private though. Okay, I'm done. =P Goooodbye. 4 kisses - give me lovin'.

Two days. [18 Jul 2003|04:52pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Bailey - "Intabeats" ] One, two. God, I'm as giddy as a five year old about to get to go on a shopping spree for candy. It's hard to type with these damned nails. I put some fake ones on 'cause I just got my Christmas presents from my aunt, and they were in there. They look cute on me. I've never put fake nails on. My nails get pretty long by themselves, but they break often because they're so thin... Anyway, I use this journal to talk about things I don't usually want other people to read about, so why am I talking about my nails? Nothin' bad really going on. A while ago my mom's boyfriend got drunk off of his ass (about twenty beers and some little coctail bottles) and started smashing shit up. It's a good way to lose respect, if you're looking to do that. He's always jealous too, even if he's not drunk. Always thinks my mom is running around with someone, even though she really has no time to, and she's getting too old to play stupid games like that. She always reassures him, but it doesn't seem to get through at all. Oh well, she's the idiot that let him stay again. He'd promised that he wouldn't get drunk while me and my sister were staying here. Damned asshole. I can't wait to see my baby again! I swear I'm going to orgasm just from hugging him. It's gonna be great. I'm so glad he gets to pick us up from the airport. Hopefully we don't miss any flights though, 'cause then he might not. He has to work from 4pm-9pm. Our flight is supposed to be in around 1pm-ish. I just figured out you can add icons to your menu in AOL. I hate AOL. Won't have to use it ever again if I don't want to. Yaaay. Home sweet home. My own computer again. My own room. My own fucking bed.. and my boyfriend. He's getting a couch for his second room. I'm always complaining that he doesn't have one. He has a popason (sp?) and a desk chair, so if we want to sit together and watch TV or just sit together, we have to do so on the floor. I hope it's comfortable. It's a little love seat. Gooodie. Monday is going to be awesome too. He's going to try to pick me up early in the day, around 11 or noon. We're going to "hang out" there for a while, a long while, hopefully, then go out for sushi. I don't know what else after that. Our first plans were to go to sushi then go see Tomb Raider, but we'd have to wait 'til Friday then. I haven't had sushi in two months. I don't feel like waiting any longer. I get so giddy and high after eating sushi. You get full, but it's not a lethargic, I don't want to move kind of full feeling. It's an, "I just ate a really big, really healthy meal" full feeling. It's really quite lovely. =P Boddy's sending me some good drum n bass to listen to. I won't be updating tomorrow. Probably not Sunday either. Or Monday. Maybe Tuesday. I'm finally going to be busy! give me lovin'.

Random Nothingness about A.J. [12 Jul 2003|01:11pm] [ mood | jealous ] [ music | Adema - "Immortal" ] Nothing much going on lately. I've been feeling okay. Get an urge once in a while, don't give in. I watched Angelina Jolie talk to Barbara Walters yesterday. She's so interesting. My idol! Wee. I thought it was funny how Barbara was acting like tattoos were so... taboo. Like, "I can't believe you have so many tattoos!" And Angelina talked about how she always felt like she was missing something, but she didn't know what. That sounds so much like me, when I just get depressed out of nowhere. Or one thought that leads to so many others, I never know where they started. She used to cut too. She said she once had a knife fight with someone (I missed who it was). Her and the person just started cutting away at eachother. She seems like someone that would be fun to be in love with. So passionate. She seems passionate about a lot of things. And she's so forward. She answered most of the questions without even thinking. Unless she couldn't legally answer the questions. She's so beautiful too. Her eyes, her lips. She could probably knock a guy down just by looking at them. Time to do some catching up with an old friend. Fuuun. 3 kisses - give me lovin'.

Home Sweet Home.. [01 Jul 2003|12:38pm] [ mood | depressed ] I need to update before anyone comes down here bothering me. Paul's daughter always asks to "get on for a couple minutes", and stays on for an hour or two. Last night I was talking to John, and barely talked to him for a half hour before she came home, "can I get on for a couple minutes?" It was like 11pm, and by 12:30, I just left and called John on my mom's cell phone. He had to have me call him on his mom's cell, which could've gotten him in trouble, so we didn't talk too long, but, it was enough, I guess. He had to talk really low, which always makes him sound so sweet. I miss him so bad. All I can think about is seeing him again. Being in his arms. Kissing him. Twenty more days... too fucking long, but, I can't do anything about it but wait. Everyone here keeps fighting. I hate it. I get so.. just.. bleh when people are always fighting around me, and my mom's always fighting with someone. I just want to shoot her and her boyfriend, make them shut up. I've been writing a lot of poetry lately. None of it's really good, but, it helps. I need to keep my real journal going too. I bought a new Winnie the Pooh journal at Big Lots the other day. I probably won't use it for a while though, 'cause the one I'm using now isn't even halfway through. Anyway.. that's it I guess. I still want to go home. 2 kisses - give me lovin'.

[26 Jun 2003|11:01am] [ mood | mischievous ] [ music | All American Rejects - "Swing Swing Swing" ] Last night I got so extremely frustrated. It was hot, my mom hadn't turned on the AC this summer 'cause she's trying to save money. Being hot like that, without choice, drives me nuts. Anyway, then it seems like my mom's boyfriend hates me and my sister. The guy's always getting pissed. Ooh well, I'm over it all. I figure I need some more good music to get me through. John, since he now has a cable modem, is sending me all the songs I'm asking for. Wyclef, Jimmy Eat World, Garbage. I was watching the Sci-Fi channel yesterday and learned of the story of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. I never knew that people thought he hadn't died on the cross. Supposedly, according to some people, he had children with Magdalene and they ruled across Europe for thousands of years. It's possible. I don't know how much I believe that Jesus was God's one and only son, since, even according to Christians, we are all God's children. Oh well.. I got some good sleep last night. Woke up nice and early. I feel so good. (Haven't said that in a while.) I haven't poked, scratched, or prodded my skin since the day John told me to please stop. I wanted to rip the world apart last night though. =P Luckily I have some amount of self-control. I just need to go home. I cried a lot last night out of frustration and aggravation. But I am okay! Yes sirree. I am. give me lovin'.

Memmorriees. [22 Jun 2003|07:12pm] [ mood | silly ] [ music | Commercials on the radio. ] I talked to John for a couple hours today. I miss him so damned much. We've been having cyber sex like rabbits. =P I haven't been able to touch him for twenty-two days. It hurts. He asked me to please stop scratching away at myself yesterday. I didn't do it today. I wasn't angry or sad, maybe I should talk to him all morning more often. I can't wait until we move out together. I told him that I'm going to wake him up everyday. I love the way he sounds with sleep in his voice, and the way he looks with sleep in his eyes, the way he wraps his arms around me so sleepily, and kisses me with morning breath. I love him to death. I never realized that I could love so much. It's so deep and unconditional. I hope everything works out, the way things are going right now, there's no reason to even hope though, because it's going to happen. I remember when he came up to Jacksonville with me for a week during the summer. (Last summer.) It was all just.. beautiful. Every action, every word. We got to cook together, he made a mess, and all I could think was how silly he was as I cleaned up after him. Every morning I would sit next to him or across from him on the other couch, just waiting for him to wake up. If I couldn't wait anymore, I'd just wake him up. Then he would kiss me, hug me, or pull me up on top of him on the couch and we'd fall back asleep there. We slept together that way the first night he was there, but my mom said something about that, so we weren't allowed to, but she would leave for work, and I'd go sleep with him. I never saw what the problem was with actually sleeping with someone, we weren't having sex, and even if we were, not being able to lay next to eachother wouldn't stop us. And we would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning, 'til everyone went to sleep, and we'd fool around in the living room on the couch. God I miss him.. 2 kisses - give me lovin'.

[19 Jun 2003|05:50pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | APC - "Oretes" ] I jammed my nail into my wrist about 50 times. I put little tracks all over. It looks cute in a... weird, distorted way. =P I'm sick. I've been telling John about my scratching, he wants me to stop. It just... it feels good, and it's not like I'm hurting myself bad. It's close to the only thing I've got here. Oh well. Otherwise, I'm having a good day. I went on a walk, had pizza and wings, finished a drawing, and shared my masterpiece with many people who appreciated it. I love that. give me lovin'.

I don't wanna be normal like you.. [16 Jun 2003|05:05pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Everclear - "Normal Like You" ] I feel really depressed. I'm not sure why it all set it. I tried to masturbate this morning and ended up crying before I could finish. I miss John a lot. I wonder if I should start going back to therapy when I get home from my mom's house. I wonder if it would help. I don't want to go on drugs, and I talk to John and all of my journals about these feelings anyway. What other help could I get from talking to Candice, the hippy who's still stuck in the 60's? Maybe I wasn't able to get comfortable enough. I think I talked to her once about how I was depressed and didn't really know why. I've always been depressed. Maybe I shouldn't try to get rid of it. It's part of me, part of who I am. If I wasn't depressed and moody, who would I be? Not myself, obviously. I don't think you can get rid of a big part of yourself like that and still be the same person. I scratched myself again. I tried not to, but I ate lunch, went back to my room, lifted my shirt and scratched. Then my arms. At least I'm still not cutting. It felt so good, the burn. It felt like the relief you get from being clean after not taking a shower for a couple days. I think I'm getting fatter. My sister took some pictures of me yesterday, I look pretty chubby. How come the way you look in the mirror and the way you look in a picture is so different? Either I'm seeing what I want to see, or what I think I see, which is weird because I usually have low self-esteem. Why would I think I look skinnier than I actually am? I'm not too bad, but... I'd like to be smaller, just so I don't have so much of a double chin or something, which seems to be the biggest amount of fat I have.. plus my back seems kinda fat... I dunno. I don't feel as fat as I look. Thank God I love food, I'd become anorexic on top of all the other shit I'm becoming. Shouldn't this stuff be happening in the middle of my teenage years, not the end? Maybe I'm just becoming more and more nervous of what the future brings. I'm pretty optomistic about it all, somehow I'm not freaked out that I'm going to be stuck on the street or that John is going to leave me... But what if I don't succeed? Maybe that's why I don't really have any high goals anymore, like becoming a singer, or a famous artist. I'm so afraid of failing that I don't really give myself goals anymore. But, can I really say that? It's not like I take just regular classes and get Cs, I take honors classes as often as I feel like it and get As. I'm taking a couple AP classes. School is so much easier than real life though, so who cares? I don't think I do. I just do it... I don't know why I do it all. I barely even push myself though, so it's not like it's hard. I'm just so weird. I feel like dying right now, even though I have someone to live for. I'm so selfish. Disgusting and selfish. 7 kisses - give me lovin'.

Let's talk about sex, baby. [11 Jun 2003|08:19pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Nickelback - Silver Side Up ] I still want to write. Sometimes I could write forever. I wish I was feeling poetic though. I want to write a poem. I haven't in almost a year. Being online is the most boring damn thing I do everyday, all day. And why? I think I would have more fun if I was exercising, but exercising isn't mind-stimulating. And I would think too much about everything and anything. Thoughts are always free-flow, but when I can read other people's thoughts and words online, at least then the flow is going in, not out all the time. I wish John and I could have sex. Maybe while I feel like ripping my insides out, I could just remove my uteris, then we could have worry-free sex. But no, I'm still a virgin, he's still a virgin. We're both hormone drenched, screaming teenagers who can't have sex because we're too responsible. Fuck responsibility. It didn't matter a hundred years ago, when 15 year olds were being married off. I think that was a hundred years ago...? We did the whole cyber sex thing, since I'm not going home for another 5 and a half weeks. It was nice, but, it's funny trying to think of words to use. I never used to have a problem with that... All of my previous boyfriends were online relationships. Maybe it's harder because I know I'll have to look him in the face later. Finding ways to describe in words how you're going to sit on someone's penis is... well... hard. I just told him I sat on it, and laughed. =P It's also not as fun unless you can spice up each up and down movement with a different adjective or describe it in a totally different way. It was still wonderful. I wonder if making love to someone's mind is better than making love to their body? It gave me goosebumps just thinking about what he would be doing to me if I didn't have a uteris and he was with me. If only I was a guy and he was gay. Haha... ew. Testosterone over-dose. I'm happy with our foreplay though. I think I'll end up liking foreplay more than I'll like intercourse. I love oral, and just kissing and caressing. It all feels so good. I'm a horny bastard. I don't think sex is bad though, and I don't think it should be so hush-hush. I wouldn't feel at all guilty for having sex with John, whether we're married or not. What's the problem? I'm reading this book, "Brave New World," they're all promiscuous (sp?) and stuff. It's cool... It was the author's outlook on how corrupt the world would become though. Anyways... I'm done. I got stuck talking to Andy and got pissed off.. 4 kisses - give me lovin'.

Love Your Own Damned Self. [11 Jun 2003|07:56pm] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | DMB - Everyday album ] Meh. I'm bored. My sister finally left the basement/cellar, so, I'm going to write. What's the difference between a basement and a cellar? My dad calls this a basement, my grandpa called it a cellar. Who cares, I guess. I scratched stars into my boobs. I hafta stop doing stuff like this. Seriously. What if I decide to do it in the shower one day, then later John wants to fool around? I can't deny him. (Ha, I'd like to see me try.) He'll take off my shirt and I'll look like a pink, peach mess. That's why I really can't cut myself, I'll have disgusting scars everywhere. Although I feel ugly a lot, I'd rather not look it if I can help it. I dunno.. if you don't cut deep, there won't be scars. I was bein' stupid one day and decided to see if a plastic knife would cut me, it left tiny cuts. Barely noticable. But I did get small scabs on them anyway. I haven't scratched my arms in three days though, just because it's getting hotter and wearing a sweater would be stupid. I'm also having a problem with my thumb picking habit. I stopped for about a year, but about a week before I left to come here, I started picking at them again. They're a bloody mess. I got the habit from my mom who used to do it, stopped, and started again too. She said she had stopped for a couple years the other day, but she'd started again. I do it without thinking about it, but after that, I do it anyway to get the skin that's hanging off. I wanna talk to Katie. We don't talk very much anymore, and I consider her one of my best friends. I dunno.. Lately I feel like I'm just a big bother when I talk to her because I'm younger than her. She's been in college a year, I still have one more of high school to go. I know she thinks of me as a peer, or at least she used to. She used to think I was her age or older. A lot of my friends did, actually, but lately I don't seem to be talking to them much anymore. I'm too involved with John... that makes me sad, but, no one... does things the way he does. No one makes me feel as comfortable, as happy, as anything. I shouldn't blame that on him though, because it's not really his fault. I think it's Andy's fault. I just blocked everyone but John about a year ago, except for every once in a while when John isn't online or I'm bored. I feel bad just blocking Andy, so I block everyone. I don't know what the point is though, because I know that I'm blocking everyone just to block Andy. Damned fetished freak. He's a bipolar wreck with a fetish for everything that isn't normal, it's close to disgusting. He pretty much only looks at hentai, because his fetishes are too weird to be real. Like chicks turning to stone, or melting into cum. Sick.. Can't believe I went out with the guy. I'm never dating anyone out of pity anymore... I tell myself that, but I never think I'm doing it out of pity once I really get into it. I can really make myself feel like I'm in love and believe it. It's sad though... Only with hind-sight bias can I tell if I was in love or not. Well, sort of. I believe that love doesn't leave. It can change from passionate to only caring, but it's still there. I don't give a shit about Andy anymore. You can't. You can't give a shit about someone who doesn't give a shit about themselves, it's just that simple. What everyone says about loving yourself is true. Anyway.. I wish John was here.. I feel like ripping my insides out. Maybe I'll paint my nails instead... give me lovin'.

Quizzes suck. [11 Jun 2003|07:18pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Linkin Park - "Crawling" ] avoidant Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla Sounds like me... hmmmmmm.... =P I don't think it's that bad though... or is it? give me lovin'.

Sleeping Beauty [10 Jun 2003|12:27pm] [ mood | devious ] [ music | APC - "Sleeping Beauty" ] I'm getting a little out of control, just a little though, thankfully. I talked to Vince about my scratching ordeal and how I can't help it. He said self-mutilation was stupid. Thanks a lot buddy, like I didn't know. Instead of scratching my arms in the shower today, I scratched my breasts and upper stomach (just in case my shirt decides to ride up today). I can't cut though, I just can't. I don't want to take off my clothes for John and look like a disgusting scarred thing. I know if I ever start, if I ever get used to the stinging, sharp pain that would come with a real cut, I wouldn't be able to stop very easily. I get addicted to things to easily. I'm using all of my self-control, for some reason, to keep myself from masturbating. Just 'cause I told John I think I could do it for the two months I'm stuck here with my mom. I'm sure I can, I don't even know why I'm trying to prove it. I love this bracelet I made. It's the cutest thing. In less than a year, I can go get my first tattoo. I have no idea what I'm going to get. Brandi says roses are white trash, but I really want one. I don't know what else I could get. A faerie? x.x I dunno... I've been exercising, it feels good. I've also been eating a hell of a lot more than I do at home though, because my mom lets us eat anything we want to. Debbie only lets us eat meals and a desert once in a while. She barely even lets us have seconds sometimes, which is good. When I eat here, I have almost three whole servings of dinner. It's disgusting. I eat way too much. It's not my fault completely though, my mom taught me to be that way. Not to waste food, and not to leave much on the table because left-overs suck. Mmm... Maynard James Keenan so weird it's sexy... I want to lick him. give me lovin'.

[09 Jun 2003|12:40pm] It kinda sucks up here, on 'vacation'. It's cold. Well, not really that cold. It was though, like 50 degrees, or 60. Now it's up to the 70's. My mom told me about this fight she had with my dad, and that he said that he was the one "stuck with" taking care of me and my sister. That pisses me off and really hurts me. He sat on the phone and told me he missed us too, even though he knows that I think he doesn't. Now I really don't think so. That hurts... I started thinking about it in the shower, and decided to scratch myself. It hurts a little more in the shower. Then the water got really hot, so I just let my arm burn. It wasn't hot enough to blister me or anything... The water in this house is stupid. If someone turns on the water anywhere else, you can really burn. The water in the kitchen gets too hot. I swear if it was any hotter, it would boil. I wonder what it is about hurting yourself that feels good. It's so stupid. So very stupid. Maybe it helps me because I can actually see what's going on inside, somehow. I'm always confused about why I feel the way I do, maybe it just comforts me into telling me that at least there is something in there. Who knows... I've got some kinda problem. Thank God it's not as bad as some people's. 2 kisses - give me lovin'.

Quizzer. [24 May 2003|08:00pm] [ mood | dirty ] [ music | none... ] 001. Name: Alice 002. Nicknames: 003. Sex: F 004. Birthday: Feb25 005. Age: 17 006. Star sign: Pisces 007. Place of birth: California 008. Current residence: 009. Hair color: light brown 010. Eye color: Green 011. Height: 5ft 012. Writing hand: Left 013. Do you bite your nails: no 014. can you roll your tongue : no 016. can you raise one eyebrow at a time : yes 017. can you blow smoke rings : no 018. can you blow spit bubbles : yes 019. can you cross your eyes : yes 020. colored hair : yes 021. tattoos and where : nope, none.. I want roses. 022. piercings and where : ears 023. do you make your bed daily : No, lately I've been sleeping on my comforter with a sheet on top of me. 024. what goes on first bra or underwear : underwear 025. which shoe goes on first : whichever shoe I pick up. 036. speaking of shoes, have you thrown one at someone : not to my knowledge. 037. how much money is usually in your wallet : None 038. what jewelry do you wear 24/7 : earrings 039. whats sexiest on a guy : Arms, sexy sexy arms. 040. whats sexiest on a gurl : Boobs, eyes... man, I saw this video with this chick, she had the most beautiful eyes, I couldn't even look away from them to see what she was doing. 041. would you rather be on time and look ok or late and look great : on time 042. do you twirl your spagetti or cut it : Cutting is so not Italian...lol 043. how many cereals are in your cabinet : two, or one... 044. what utensils do you use eating pizza: if it's too hot, a knife and a fork, if not, my hands. 045. do you cook : If there's ever anything to cook. 046. how often do you brush your teeth : Once a day 047. how often do you shower/bathe : Every day 048. how long do these showers last : Anywhere from 5 to 65 minutes. 049. hair drying method : Towels work. 050. do you paint your nails: yep 051. do you swear : I try not to, at least out loud. I think it sounds immature. 052. do you mumble to yourself : A lot... I'm starting to freak myself out. 053. do you spit in public : no 054. do you pee in the shower : yeah, people don't? 055. in the cd player : Sublime 056. person you talk most on the phone with: John 057. what color is your bedroom : Pinkish purple 058. do you use an alarm clock : yes 059. name one thing or person you're obsessed with?: sushi 060. have you ever skinny dipped with the opposite sex : no 061. ever sunbathed in the nude : no 062. window seat or aisle : window 063. whats your sleeping position : stomach, side 064. what kind of bed do you like : a big one, with white sheets... 065. in hot weather do you use a blanket : yes, I freeze easily. 066. do you snore : no 067. do you sleepwalk : no 068 do you talk in your sleep : Yeah, sometimes. 070. how about the light on: Yeah, I seem to venture back into my childhood and get freaked out by every shadow. Usually my bright TV and computer monitor work, rather than the light. 071. do you fall asleep with the tv or radio on : yes, I usually make a point of it. 072. had sex : I'm a virgin, hey. 073. were kissed or kissed someone : Yesterday 074. watched bambi :I don't remember. 075. cried : Today, but I'm not sure if it was because I was upset, or because I decided to close the bathroom door when I was bleaching the room down... either way, it burned. 076. talked on the phone : today 077. read a book : Yesterday 078. punched someone : Never 079. where do you see yourself ten years from now : 27 years old, hey, my lucky number. Hopefully I'm in some hospital as an art therapist.. 080. who are you gonna be married to and where: John, on the beach somewhere. 081. how many kids do you want to have : None... 082. your profession : Art therapist, artist, psychologist, or a singer? 083. future school : can't say. 084. Who is your best friend: John 085. What friend do you hang out with the most: John 086. what friend makes you smile the most : John 087. friend that you fight with the most : Kathy, but I usually don't fight with anyone. 088. One you talk to the most online: John 089. Friend that you miss the most: John... 090. Is music important to you: Yes 091. do you sing? : Yes 092. what instruments do you play? : I've tried guitar, I can't. 094. What do you think of Eminem: He's making money, lucky him. 095. in your opinion, what band is the best of all time? : The Beatles 096. Pop music: yes 097. Rock music: yes 098. Punk music: yes 099. Rap music: yes 100. Hip Hop/RB: yes 101. Country: sometimes.. 102. Jazz: yes 103. Classical: yes 104. New age: if someone ever defines what exactly that is... 105. What is one band/singer you absolutely love that no one else does or seems to have heard: hmm... Ozma =) They rock. I just thought I'd fill this out. I've never really done this under this name, or told much about myself. Hopefully it doesn't get me into trouble. give me lovin'.

Again. [24 May 2003|06:09pm] [ mood | horny ] [ music | The rain. ] I've started scratching my arm a lot. I was on the phone with my mom, had nothing better to do, and started scratching my arm. It was about 6 hours ago and the marks aren't gone... I didn't even cut anything. I just hope no one sees my arm. And I hope the marks go away. I don't cut because I don't want to have to make sure I hide my arms or any other body part, all the time. I wouldn't be able to hide anything from John, no matter where it was. Maybe I could cut the bottom of my feet. =P I went on a double date yesterday. John's friend made us walk around everywhere. I had the most uncomfortable shoes on. During school I walked around barefoot for two minutes, then some guy stopped me, told me to put my shoes back on, and said I was disgusting. Fucking asshole. People should have to censor themselves, their words and actions. He could have messed me up forever, just with those two words. Once I was in the bathroom, it was when I had a UTI, I was going to the bathroom just at school, about three to five times a day. I was sick of washing my hands and drying them on my pants or under one of those stupid air blowers, so I just walked out of the bathroom without washing my hands. I don't know, I may even have had antibacterial stuff by then. Anyway, some chicks saw me walk out, and commented on how gross that was. After that I had to make sure everyone in the bathroom saw, or could see, that I was going to clean my hands. Also, I started washing my hair twice in the shower, going over myself twice with soap, etcetera. Those last two things, I just realized, were a result of those girls. I'd been wondering for a while why I started cleaning myself so much, and I figured it was 'cause of something someone said. Aanyway..maybe I could put ice on my arm and the marks will go away. give me lovin'.

Urgh. [22 May 2003|04:13pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | The Deftones - "Ripe" ] I'm having problems with thinking about cutting. Thank God I'm not actually doing it, but just the thought bothers the hell out of me. How am I supposed to become a psychologist, and guide people, when I, myself, am not mentally healthy? We had exams today, but in my art class, we didn't have one. I was sitting there, studying for my next exam when I got the urge to cut my stupid wrist. I tried to ignore it, but finally I gave in to just scratching my wrist to death under my table. It left small red marks for a little while... It was comforting in a way. Dumb bitch... I can't believe myself. But, this is nothing new. I've been thinking about self injury/mutilation for a long time. Probably since I was ten or younger. I've thought about suicide. Almost obsessed about it. Thought of notes. Thought of ways to do it. I've never actually gotten to the point of writing out a note, or even close to trying it. I've only once tried to cut myself, and it was with a safety, shaving razor. (Shows you how much I actually wanted to do it.) I tried to cut my knee, but sliding the thing back and forth just made me cringe, and tiny cuts seem to hurt more than big ones, so I stopped. I was angry, and upset. With my step mom and with myself, and with the arthritis I shouldn't have... For a while I thought that listening to rock and depressing music was actually influencing my feelings, even though I thoroughly believed that you really couldn't be affected like that. I came to the conclusion that you have to have underlying problems and associations with the music and words to be affected like that. Rather than taking away the music, you should confront the problem. I don't know what my problem is, how should I confront what I can't see? I've thought that I had clinical depression, but I don't think it's really severe enough to be that. I think I have anxiety, but who doesn't? By the time I'm twenty, I think I'm going to be a real wreck. Another factor to my increasing depression/anxiety/aggression/aggrivation is the fact that I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life quickly. I'm going to be moving to Jacksonville in about a year, out on my own, with John and probably one of his friends to help pay rent. I've never worked before. I'm sure there are a lot of people who haven't had a job by 18 though, right? I don't have my driving permit yet either. I finally finished the required Drug, Alcohol, and Driving class today. I took it online. It was easy... I need to do my nails again.. One of them is almost perfect though, so I don't want to take the nailpolish off. I can't really, unless I pick them, because I don't have any nail polish remover. I tried to fix up this layout as best as I could. I want to learn how to do my own style even though I don't have a paid account... Maybe there's just no way. John's friend showed up at his house unexpectedly while we were planning on what we were going to do after he went to the gym. All the guys were going to meet up at a house. So, of course John went. He can't seem to back out on his friends, even if it's for me. Even though it's their fault they showed up at his house without warning. So, he didn't go to the gym, and he won't be home until 5:30pm so we can hang out. We were planning at 1pm. I don't like going places later in the day because there's a lot of people around. The only place to do anything around here is at the town centre down the street, so it's extremely crowded, getting worse as the night goes on until about 12pm. If it wasn't so crowded, I would love it. So now, when we go out, we usually just drive if he has no money, or we go get sushi if he does. It's hard to just go to his house or stay at mine because both of our parents just suck. We don't bother them the whole time we're together, except John's mom always makes dinner, but they're still bothered by someone else being in the house. What I hate the most though, is that John's mom lets his friends come over and stay over unexpectedly, or they can stay really late. The latest I was able to stay there was 12 one night, because I couldn't get a ride home before then, John couldn't drive, and she didn't want to. Usually though, I have to leave at 9pm or no later than 10pm. But, whatever. I guess that's not too early. I'm done... give me lovin'.

Cutting. [18 May 2003|04:52pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | "Get Busy" - Sean Paul ] razor_whore. Oi. I'm not even sure what to say about this. I find it fascinating and disgusting all at the same time. And it makes my wrists itchy. I feel like a failure to say that it makes me want to do it. I can handle some pain. Some of the people on there just carved with a little pin or something, which I could do. I've been digging my nails into my palms lately, just to see if I can make myself bleed. So disgusting. I can't believe myself sometimes... I need to get a buddy icon. I just moved in here because I don't want to keep a blog anymore. My site was at psychoblogger.com. I transferred all of my entries, there was probably 70 of them. All the entries titled, "Alicticity" were from my blog. My stomach hurts. Moo... give me lovin'.

Alicticity [09 Apr 2003|04:55am] John's getting his first job. I'm really happy for him, but I hope it doesn't start taking up too much of his time. I wanna still be able to see him. Hopefully he'll have more money though. I've become extremely addicted to sushi and chocolate. Mostly sushi right now. I crave it often. Speaking of sushi, John and I went to Yae Sushi, a little place here, neatly tucked into a shopping center. After we finished eating our sushi, since our waitress didn't take away our plates fast enough, I decided to eat a wad of wasabi with the diameter the size of a quarter. Oh, it sucked. I know how the guy in Jackass felt when he snorted it... Well, maybe not that bad. I wanted to throw up though, and my stomach hurt the rest of the night. Amazingly, my body didn't purge itself as I thought it might. My stomach's stronger than I thought. My gynecology appointment went fine. I was nervous up until I got naked and then dressed in paper. I would think I would get more nervous once I got to that point, but, I didn't. I ended up not having a UTI anymore. He told me to stop drinking as much as I had been. Only water for two weeks, and only when I was thirsty. It didn't really help me pee less, but... I dunno. It never burns anymore. I don't have to pee like a super-monkey, just a monkey. I dunno. I guess I pee a normal amount of times every day now. But, I used to be able to get through a whole day at school without using their disgusting bathrooms even once. Now, every day, I go at least once, if not two or three times. I feel dirty. Ewww. I went to the beach with John this past Sunday. It was fun. Porter, his girlfriend, and Scott went too. Actually, Scott drove. Poor Scott, never seems to have a date. I wonder what's up with that? He's attractive, he's not stupid, he doesn't have a bad personality, he's not smelly kid in the corner... Hmmmmmm? This little chick named Mandy liked him, but she's a freshman, and there was this other chick chasing him around, but she had a boyfriend. Weirdness. I felt bad for Porter's girlfriend too, 'cause he cheated on her recently, and she doesn't know. He was being very sweet on her too. I wanted to smack him. She's a sweet girl too. After the beach, we stopped at John's house so that he could change. I stole one of his shirts. I like wearing his clothes, even though they're way too big on me. He wears an extra large (in guys' clothes, of course), I could probably fit nicely into a small or medium. It's okay though. I've been sleeping in it. =P Muahahaha. There's blue stuff on it though, 'cause I've been trying to keep myself from peeling with this Hawaiian Tropic ICE stuff. Moo. I got burnt pretty badly, probably because we spent most of the time in the water, rather than just laying out. Everyone but Scott and Porter forgot a towel. Dumb us. Anyway, that's all for this month. =P Or year. Who knows. I've been writing in way too many journals to be able to keep one going smoothly. Someday I'll integrate them all. Hopefully Blogger and Livejournal never crash. I'll be screwed. =D Yay. 1 kiss - give me lovin'.

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