1:47AM - Hah! What they say is true!
1.Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? Yes. After a long period of not, I am. Holla!
2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons? I would melt them down and make a giant plastic spoon
3.What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? Oldies. The funny thing is, everyone made fun of me for it.
4.What is the best thing about your current job? So many to choose from! The cool people I work with, the discounts, and the perks.
5.Do you wish cell phone etiquette was a required class? If there's ever a class like that I should sign up.
6. Are you against same sex marriage? No. Love is love, man. Can you tell a bird not to marry a fish? I know, I'm so deep.
7. Have you been on a date in the past week? yeah. But I had to pay.
8. Where are you going on your next vacation? Bermuda triangle
9. Quote a song: "Pleading protest I grab my heart and scream out loud"--RX Bandits
10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old? New. They never seem to want to stick around. Wonder why that is...
11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? Nope, duct tape and cardboard for this princess!
12. Do you like your parents? I like my mom, don't really like the step dad, miss my dad, don't know my bio dad.
13. Do you still live with them? Free as a bird (with no money)
14. What state/country are you from? California
15. Tell us about the last conversation you had? A conversation about love, heart-ache, sex, lies, and feigning kindness. I love you Snake Bite!
16. Where do you see yourself in one month? Hopefully living on my own, helplessly in love, working hard, and loving life.
17. What is your favorite smell? Depends...Axe on a guy, pumpkin pie in the fall, laundry when it's raining, popcorn when watching a movie, sweat when having sex....the list is endless.
19. Do I consider myself bi-polar? sometimes. I go from 0 to bitch in 2.5 seconds.
20. What is the time and the outside temperature at the moment? 2:12am I think it's like 25 degrees out...
21. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your coworkers? I tackled Omega Man one day and he wasn't feeling well and yelled at me. Meh, whatever.
22. Have you ever gone to therapy? Who doesn't these days? The pill poppers and couch squatters ARE the normal ones.
23. Have you ever Played Spin the Bottle? In college actually. It was kinda dumb, I'm sure middle schoolers have more fun with it.
24. Have you ever Toilet Papered someone's house? Yeah, my own actually. That was so stupid. I feel like a dork.
25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? *sigh* well, I suppose it's the perfect time to tell them now...Johnny Depp, I'm totally in love with you.
26. Have you ever gone camping? yes! The last time I went though I got sick. That's what I get for going with a bunch of 20 somethings that have nothing to do and lots of alcohol.
27. Have you ever had a crush on your brother/sisters friend? Actually, a lot of my brother's friends. He was the popular one so of course his dorky sister will drool.
28. Have you ever been to a nude beach? No, but I wouldn't mind
29. Have you ever drank jack daniels? Hells yeah
31. Have you ever had a stalker? Not full blown knew-what-he-was-doing stalker, but the amature, awkward stalker.
32. Have you ever been in love? yup
33. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? I think so...I don't know, at least topless....
34. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? Those are the best.
35. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober one? Yes and it was as I expected it...it sucked.
36. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes
37. Have you ever had sex with one of your myspace friends? don't really have myspace friends that I just met on there. I can look up all the people I previously had sex with.
38. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend? Yes. Don't worry, if I still talk to you, it's not you I'm talking about.
39. Have you ever felt like you were just completely rhino raped? Well there was this one time when I got totally hammered at the zoo...
40. Have you ever lied to your parents? God, who doesn't?
41. Have you ever been out of the US? Mexico! Me gusta mucho!
42. Have you ever thrown up from working out? The first time I ran the half mile I threw up. My P.E. teacher made fun of me.
43. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight? Haaaaah! I cut my own hair when I was in Kindergarten and I cut the front part of my hair to the scalp and my mom wouldn't let me go to school for a week and then made me wear a stupid hat and explained it to my teacher!
44. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day? Yes...I didn't feel too good later that night.
45. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didn't know what was going on? Did I know I was puking down the basement steps of a frat house? No. But when they told me about it I laughed my ass off.
46. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on?? *turns off video moniter* No.
47 Have you ever seen your best friend naked? female yes, male no.
48. Do you feel like you could tell the people you live with anything? definetly not.
49. Is there someone who knows just about everything about you? My brother maybe? My boss also gets a good look.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and not know who you see looking back at you? Have you been surrounded by people who love you but feel totally alone? Do you have trouble sorting out the little voices inside? Have you ever just wanted to crawl under a rock until everyone you know forgets about you. I'm having weird feelings lately. I don't know what is going on. I only know one thing. I'm totally screwed up.
Damnit. Ok, here it goes.
Dear someone,
I can't keep it in, I can't let it out. I'm tired of the confines. I'm tired of denying feelings just because of the interest of outside parties. I can't help it. I'm head over heels and it's not convenient for anyone.
The first time I met you, I really didn't know what to think. How could I be polite and regal when I felt so passionate at first glance. I was taken by your eyes. I was completely swept away.
The first time I made you laugh I wanted to kiss you right then. Even now when you laugh, I still have to stifle the urge to press my lips against yours.
I talk of other men in your presence to perhaps spark some interest. I know you could be the one to fill my heart, my intellect, my voids.
I adore your every move, comment, giggle, and smile. You know exactly how to make me feel better inside. You settle my thoughts, quiet my mind, and make me feel like me again.
The last few weeks, my feelings have seen some light. The reason is, I was jealous. I know it's childish but true. You make me want to be a better person. I'm totally in love you with you. I'm such a hipocrit.
My favorite person at work, a third key, my Omega Man, was lying on his stomach in the back room. We were talking about life. I said something about staying at Sam Goody a long time. He said "But Sam Goody isn't a career." I said that it was. But am I going to stay there forever and make a career out of it? I don't know.
These kids that work for me are at an inbetween stage. They're in high school or going to college part time. They live with their parents and barely make money. I am a 20 year old college drop out who is trying to get by from working in a record store. He asked me what I wanted to do. "If I could, I would just write all day and get paid" I said, "But that isn't likely at all."
I'm eclectic in my life about everything except for what I do for money. I wish I could be a stripper, but no dice. I couldn't do that to my family. I want to write a book, a screenplay, a poetry book, or something and make millions, but that's a chance of one in a million. I was thinking about doing real-estate, but that's a cut throat business and I'm not passionate about houses. I could possibly do that over the phone insurance company thing but I hate the idea of me being behind a desk on a phone for 8 hours a day.
What is the meaning of my life? What purpose do I have here? I want to have kids, be a stay at home mom, take care of my husband (with out being a slave), and I believe that is puposeful enough. But that's living for my kids. I want to have a life before I have children, before I give my life to them. blah....
Where are you tonight?
I need you now.
Say something to make me smile.
Are you thinking of me
the way I think of you?
frozen tears fall from the sky
and hit me in the face
I know the sky is mocking me.
So everything seems to be going ok. Right now I'm freezing cold and thinking about messing with the thermostat, but I might get in trouble. I think I might go hunting this weekend. Hunting for inspiration.
I haven't seen some of my peeps in a while. One being TAK. Hey buddy, how's it going? I miss you and I miss everyone else too. Tell my Big Brother to call me sometime! I know he's busy doing the incest thing with his other "little sister" but he can take a break and call or at least write! By the way, I joined myspace.
Yes, I am now offically in myspace hell. If you know me well enough, you can find it. I got on there to see other people's and be able to poke around their pages, so it's nothing glamorous. I don't even have a picture of me. One bad thing came of it already though. I found Pyro.
It's not bad, it's just depressing, but good as well. He has a beautiful girlfriend now and she seems awesome. She seems like the kind of girl I wouldn't mind being friends with at all. I read her myspace and she's hilarious. I'm upset because I want to be her sometimes. But, she loves him, probably better than I do, or did. Pyro seems to be head over heels. I just want to say that I am happy for them. I truly am. I wish all of us could be so lucky.
godamn holidays make you miss the people you love the most. it hurts. i miss my dad. i miss pyro. i miss my friends. i miss my old extended family (no x-mas breakfast in the basement). i miss...
Top Five things I miss this Holiday Season
1) My dad
2) Pyro
3) Pyro's family
4) Frostburg and Baltimore/Columbia/Glen Burnie friends
5) California
He snapped at me. In front of people. Someone in passing gave me the sympathy look. What am I doing? What would I tell myself? Strange thing is, I feel like I deserve it.
aggravatedWorking in retail one must tweak the usual 12 month calander. You see, sometimes, a day you consider a holiday isn't really a holiday and you work. And Holidays change on you. See there is no Thanksgiving. There is only Christmas. I walked from my car to the mall in freezing cold rain and as soon as I entered the doors, it was warm and it inexplicably smelled like Christmas. Black Friday is days away. I fear it, but I also love it to death. Picture it: hundreds of crazy bargain/early bird shoppers with fanny packs and energy bars with a mile long list of what to get grandpa, aunt Cici, insane uncle Eddie, and numerous other faceless relatives that probably will send them a card. I'll be running around, talking a mile a minute juggling customers, dealing with assholes (but it doesn't matter while I have authority), making money and crushing everyone's numbers.
Black Friday is my Christmas.
So I cleaned some stuff up but the place still looks a mess. I actually fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours. I took a NAP. I was going to go into Sam Goody for a minute but I decided against it. It wouldn't be like a day off.
I talked to Omega man a lot more today. (Love you Omega Man!) It felt good to talk to him. The only way I seem to crawl out of this apartment, out of Sick Boy, out of myself is through IM lately. At the apartment or at work. I miss my mom. Total randomness. Bah, I'm bored.
sleepySo, my job is slowly getting on my nerves. It's only expected. I get bored with everything. But, this hip, cool, sweet job at a record store was awesome until the corporation stepped in. There's no longer a sanctuary for me. No sega and no little room with an extremely comfy couch. Boss Man is turning into one of THEM. "THEM" being the corporation, the suits. All I want is my little record store.
I miss my friends. I got a call from Q-tip and it was so nice to hear from him. I miss all my peeps out in the Glen Burnie/Baltimore area. Winter break is coming soon. Can't wait to see my Frostburg friends. I'm either at home with Sick Boy, visiting my mom, or at work. I haven't ventured in a while. My wings are cut. Anyone have glue?
I thought of another idea for a screenplay recently. I want to start on it, but something is stopping me. I don't want another stillborn baby of an idea. That's all I do. Nothing ever comes to fruition. Everything dies from choking on dust it collects. I guess it doesn't hurt to try, but when will I ever have time to work on it? I don't even have time for a web journal or even a personal one anymore. Where will it go any way? No where.
I'm increasingly losing faith in myself. It's weird. I usually lose faith in humanity before I lose faith in myself. But, I have humanity on a pedastool to which I praise and long to be with it, which is weird.
One of the assistant managers at a differnt Sam Goody had a death in her family. Her aunt commited suicide. That's rough. Once again, pulled back into the past by the simple drop of the hat words "death" "suicide". I miss my dad. Fucking holidays. They always make you stress out, think of what (or who) you don't have, and you're angry or depressed or both. There's one good thing though. I won't have to listen to the mall Christmas music. I get to listen to whatever I want at Sam Goody. Ok, enough of the random. Top five and I'm out.
Top 5 favorite Doritios
1) Nacho cheesier
2) Spicer Nacho
3)Salsa
4) Guacamole
5) 4 cheese
crankyI'm in a place where I feel like a weak woman. I feel inferior. Most of my male friends are probably happy I'm saying this. I feel like I should be fetching slippers and making dinner and doing laundry. I also feel as though I am not entitled to a job of rank. The above title is how I should be feeling. I'm in between. I feel stepped on, yet I also feel I deserve it. "I've been dropping little hints all week. Do the laundry. I'm running out of socks because someone else takes them and then doesn't do laundry. Even when I flat out tell you, you don't." He said WHAT to me? But, I did want to be the little house wife, the little stay at home mom.
bah, I don't know. Lateley it seems like everything is falling. I desperatley want to take a little trip like Holden Caufield. Work is no longer what it seemed to be. My living situation is declining. I've alienated so many people. I am but a puppet. tug my strings, have a laugh.
Alright, I'm much happier since things have randomly worked out in my favor. My current situation is as follows:
-I have a new boyfriend (Sick Boy)
-I'm living in a two bedroom apartment with said boyfriend and Spank (Sick Boy's friend)
-loving my job.
-Over Pyro completely. I did the usual ritual of acceptance.
Life in a nutshell, gotta love it. I'd like to apologize to the people I worried. Thank you for support and loving me so much. I love you all back! Alright, Top five and I'm out, cuz I'm beat!
Top Five artists I am a closet fan of:
1) N*sync (I know, painful, isn't it?)
2) Britney Spears
3) Limp bizkit
4) Partridge Family
5) Back Street Boys
This is my most vulnerable moment. I feel weak, I feel torn, and broken. I just wanted to record the point in my life where I've hit bottom. I wish I had some one to talk to. The only one I want to talk to is too upset and angry. Jeezus, I always put myself in positions like these. No, not like this. Never like this. It hurts so much.
I talked to him. Well, through AIM anyway. He's in love. Not with me. It kills me. This is the first time I have ever actually sat still and hurted. I try to fill the void with dating, flirting, permiscuous sex, peircings, and a general facade of well-being and feigning being over it. Congratualtions, Pyro. You are my first REAL heartbreak. The others I have broken up with in the past did hurt and I did shed tears, but Pyro does and proabaly always will have my heart in the palm of his hand. He's in love. That kills me.
I've been writing our story down. I figure it might be a way to get over him. Instead it's making me realize what I had, what we had. But, talking with him tonight kind of helped. I cried my ever-loving eyes out. I haven't cried this much in a while. I've cried 4 nights in a row. That's a record.
I wish I could see him, but the last thing I want is for him to be angry. I'll give his stuff back, I'll see my friends, and I'll leave. It hurts so much. I've talked to others with similar heart breaks and they said that for every year they were together it took two years to get over them. So I guess I have a long way to go. I'm just glad Pyro isn't hurting anymore. Infact, I'm happy he's happy. Ofcourse I'm sad he isn't happy with me, but even though, I'm glad he's in love, and maybe she'll be better to him than I was. Goodnight Pyro. I leave a qupte from a familiar song:
"Change your heart, look around you, change your heart it will astound you. I need your lovin', like the sunshine..."
I just saw pictures of us. I look so happy--in those pictures. I look in the mirror and don't see anything. No spark. I miss you. Did I ever get over you? No. How could I? Wow, I'm starting to cry and I haven't done that since that night. That night I was stupid enough to exit the car and feel the wind on my bare finger. Do you even think of me anymore? I thought we were stuck. I thought no matter what--never mind. Why do I try? Why do I bother? I fucked up. You fucked up too, but that doesn't make me look like a saint. You haven't called or written. Maybe it's my turn to be the valient one. Maybe it's my turn to do something crazy. My heart is pounding in my chest. I'm always concerned now with the right decisions. What are the fucking right decisions? No one knows. No matter what, it's the wrong choice, because you'll always have "What if?" What if I had stayed? What if we worked it out instead of getting rash? What if I took the time to think about things? What if. What if. What if I were to say, I'm sorry. What if I were to pour my heart out because you're the only one I trust with it no matter what? What if I were to say that I needed you? What if I'm wrong? So what? "OK, I'm wrong, now what?" Please talk to me. Please? All I want to do is talk. All I want to have is some one to listen to me who I know will know me and hopefully still care. I look pathetic right now, god, desperate even. You have me to that point. One word I leave you with: Please.
It's another one of those nights when all the world is asleep and I am left alone with my thoughts and musings. I've been having some good days. I fianlly feel justified when working at the mall. I work hard. I play hard but I work hard. At Zales all I did was sit around, clean some glass...that was it. I break a sweat half the time at Sam Goody. I feel accomplished at the end of the night when I lay my head on the pillow.
Work is starting to become my boyfriend, my way of life, my solace. Paranoia pushed me into that. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I'm meeting some amazing people but I'm just too scared to put my heart on the line again. Hot Wheels, Shame Bass Player, IO boy, and a few others... are just amazing. I just wish I could open my heart, but it's squeaky and needs a little oil.
My mom misses me. I'm never home and when I am, I'm asleep, coming, or going. I told her I was hanging with Hot wheels and she said she had no clue who he was. I see her less now than I did when I was not living here.
I miss my brother. He's at Shepard and having the time of his life. I wish he was here. He's part of the reason why I left home in the first place. With out him here, I feel weird. I wanted to leave before he did. Maybe I'll see him this weekend. It's funny, when he's nt around, that's when I need him the most. *sigh* Top Five then I'm out.
Top Five favorite times to write:
1) Late at night/early morning
2) While drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette
3) In the woods
4) after a shower, in my PJ's, snuggled up in bed
5) out on the deck during sunset
hyperSo, things have turned upside down yet again. I'm back with my parents, I have a new job (being assistant manager of Sam Goody at the mall), I'm a single person again, and my hair is VERY short. So, about being back with my parents. I needed a place to go. There were a couple of weeks where I didn't have a job, and it really punched me in the gut. Apparently, you need money to live in this world. So, it isn't bad. I have to be in at 1am, but other than that, I'm fine.
The new job is amazing. I love it. I talk about music all day, I have minions, and get to meet cool local bands and publicize their live events at my store. My boss is awesome. He is just like me, except shorter, rounder, and you know, a boy. We actually have a lot in common. If he weren't my boss I'd definetly hang with him on a regular basis.
My hair being short is a trip. I love it. It's short in the back and longer on top so it kind of flops over one eye. I spike it in the back and slick it in the front. It suites me I think.
Being single sucks. When does it tickle? Lil kid and I broke up a while ago. I wrote about it, but it didn't take for some reason. I just broke up with a guy who I was "dating". We only really dated. We kissed but that's it. It was the first time that I actually got to know a person with out getting physical. Good Idea. He turned out to be a two faced liar. I thought he was amazing, intelligent, open-minded, romantic. But, I was mistaken, he was that way only with me, but to his parents, he was a good natured christian boy who never had a girlfriend. I hate dating.
I'm losing faith. Faith in humanity, faith in love, faith even in myself. Nobody can be honest anymore. I feel like I can't trust anyone. The awful truth to myself is, I haven't been truthful myself. I've lied to some of the people I love the most. I wanted to tell them, but some of them won't return phone calls. You know who you are. I wish I could go back and rectify situations in the past and magically I will feel better about the future. Unfortunatly, it never works that way. (Watch High Fidelity). It just gets you dirty. Some of it feels good, but it sucks for the other person, and in turn, you feel like shit. I feel like going into hermit mode. I think I'll stay in, wear my sweatpants, sleep, eat, gain weight, and have just the bare minimum of human contact. Society, humans, men, women, relatives, friends, lovers...just melt away for me, please. The only time I feel good and safe is when I'm in my car. I drive and feel better. Listening to good music, take a turn on a windy back road, cut just right, and I'm in heaven. Ah, the bliss of asphalt, hills, curves, lines, and taking them all in. So, I've been driving a lot, which is nuts because gas prices are through the roof. I guess its better than footing a therepy bill though. Night everybody.
awakeSo, since I last posted, I moved out of my parents house, I have a car, I have a better job, a 17 year old boyfriend, and a burnt pizza sitting in front of me. I'm living in the basement of my co-workers house (supposed to be paying rent but she hasn't specified). It's nice living kinda by myself. Unfortunatley, I'll be getting kicked out soon and will be needing a place to live. No biggie, I have a few leads. I'm buying the little silver saturn from my parents. Slow and painful payments, but at least I have wheels. Still working at Zales but just until the 11th of august. After that I will be the assistant manager of the Sam Goodie store just down the hallway. I was born for that job, I know. As for the 17 year old boyfriend, things are good. Things are weird and I catch a lot of shit, but good. I do miss Pyro. I mean, I did spend a year and 9 months with him, sometimes I feel like I can't function with out him. Hey, I still want to hear from you Pyro. I still care, and like I said, I miss you. And the burnt pizza, well, I was never a good cook now was I?
So, a lot has happened. That seems to be the trend for me. Don't update for a month and a half and all of a sudden I turn my life upside down. What can I say? I'm impulsive and eager. I'm eager for my life to start and have ambition for myself. I feel really scared sometimes though. I feel like I might be putting too much pressure on myself. That's when I miss Pyro the most. Lil Kid is great, and we help eachother out, but there are some things Pyro did that no one else could ever do for me. What if this is the rest of my life? Bareley getting by, renting room after room, just being able to pull all the change out and make enough for a pack of smokes? Is this my life? Is this what I'm destined for? It feels fucking amazing to actually sit down and fucking write. I ahven't written anything in the longest while. I really don't have anything to write about. I became one of those stupid people I hate: get up, go to work, eat, sleep, repeat. On my days off, I love to clean and do laundry, and fight off bath scum. I haven't just sat and did nothing for a long time. I don't write anymore. I'm sad. But I'm writing now, so that;s good.I feel weird. Look at the bat! It says I feel weird. I feel happy, but I also feel lonely. I feel inspired, but I also feel empty. I feel loved, but I feel like I don't love. I feel split in two. But deep down I'm not really. I know the answers but I second guess, and tip toe all the fucking way. Why do I do this to myself? fuck if I know. Here's the top five and I'm out.
Top Five reasons I love music
1) It identifies a sense of self
2) it enhances or changes my mood
3) It fucking rocks
4) There's so many different kinds (like the people and places of this earth)
5) Sometimes, the right song can express how you are feeling more than words can.
weirdSo, I actually went through with it. I got my piercing! So Lil Kid and I went to Taco Bell and then went to the tattoo/piercing shop. We waited outside the shop for the Fat Kid. He was my photographer. My piercer was the Rev. Rev was at a different tattoo and piercing shop, and I often went in to ask questions about the tattoos and piercings I mused about. I asked for Rev specifically and he came in just for me. He made me feel very comfortable. So Fat Kid showed up and I was all kinds of nervous. Especially since 3 guys were going to see my vagina. Being topless is one thing. I love being topless. Bottomless just makes me feel vulnerable. So Rev prepped me and I was laying on a table. Lil kid had my right hand, and Fat Kid had my left (props to Fat kid for getting his hand squeezed AND taking pics!). We finally got around to the piercing part. It felt like some one grabbed my vagina really hard with a pair of tongs. I screamed "FUCK!!!" really loud. Fat Kid was awesome he looked over my face (I was laying down and staring at the ceiling) and told me it was done and I did it! Then, he had to put the barbell in which was a bunch of little "fuckfuckfuckfuck"s. I was so happy. It hurt for about ten seconds, I didn't shed a tear, and I was running down the street right after (with a new sense of freedom). I kind of still can't believe it's done. I'm already reaping benifits though. Especially when I cross my legs. Apperently, I'll be pretty much healed in two weeks and will be able to change the stud, which is good because it's a little short. My boss wanted to know how everything wasdone so she could possibly go do it herself.
Now, I feel like getting another one. 10 minutes after I had a rod shoved through my vagina, I started to think, "What else can I get pierced and get away with it?" I really want to do a tattoo, but I want to wait until I'm out of my house and really on my own. My piercing doesn't bother anyone right now, because they can't see it. tattoos are a little harder. But I was talking with the manager from SamGoodie (who is a piercing and tattoo billboard) and he said if I liked getting pierced, I should definetly get a tattoo. It's a whole other kind of adrenelin rush. He slept part of the way through two of his tattoos. Meh, we'll see. I just want to make sure I get something I'll be willing to live with for the rest of my life. Well, goodnight folks!
So tomorrow is my b-day. I'm doing the whole family thing tonight. We're currently between steak dinner and presents. But tomorrow is going to be the creme de la creme. My parents don't know (and hopefully never will) that I'm getting my self a little present. I'm getting a piercing. I'm getting my hood pierced. Sorry, no pictures will be posted, but I'm surre I'll write well enough to paint a picture for you. Gotta go and eat cake...I'll post tomorrow after the pain!
nervousSo Pyro and I broke up. I'm really confused as to what I want. I love Pyro and care about him to un ungodly extent, and I didn't want to hurt him. I'd be hurting him more by dragging him through my confusion and my being unsure of some things.
Some people aren't talking to me and some people are mad. That sucks, but I really didn't think Pyro and I would be picking teams. He's probably bitter and I can't blame him for that. I can't tell him how sorry I am. Pyro, I still love you and I'm hurting too. I wish I knew what I'm looking for. I can't express how horrible I feel. Please forgive me, but if you don't I understand and I probably don't deserve forgiveness anyway.
To everyone else, goodnight.
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