alopeke's Journal
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Date:2009-01-19 10:50

Conversio Virium: Puppy Play Panel with Tyler, Maymay and Jeff
1 of 4 3/8/2007 4:25 AM
Conversio Virium: Puppy Play Panel with Tyler,
Maymay and Jeff
This document is the result of the collaborative effort of the above mentioned authors, penned on the dates of
February 4th and 5th, 2007, and this work is copyrighted © by the above mentioned authors in 2007.
What is puppy play?
A role-playing scenario between a trainer/master and a puppy (or puppies) wherein a pup can be
trained, disciplined or simply act like a spoiled beloved pet.
Just as there are many different types of relationships between real pups and their owners, puppy play
can take on many different dynamics and incorporate many perspectives as well.
Puppy play is different for each person involved. For some the pup is completely a pup and relinquishes
all human attributes and privileges, essentially becoming a true "pet" and "animal," and for others there
remains an understanding that a human pup can still participate in some human activities in ways that
"real" pups can't. In other words, the transformation into the pup role has varying degrees of
It is also important to note that puppy play is different from bestiality. Since human puppy play does
not involve real puppies in sexual activities, the desire to play as or with a human pup does not
necessarily signal a desire to perform those same activities with real pups.
Perhaps Tristan Taormino said it most succinctly in her article Leather Puppy Love. We quote her now:
“For some, it is pure role-playing with no erotic component, because when a pup is a pup, there is no
sexual interaction. The idea that someone relies on you to feed and discipline them can be another twist
on dominance and submission and a turn-on in and of itself. For others, the pup is always a human pup
capable of frisky human sexual behavior with other pups or their owners.”
Tristan brings up a good point, and that is that puppy play can also have very strong and naturally
present elements of Dominance and submission (D/s), ownership and control, and other traditional
aspects of a BDSM relationship.
So what is puppy play? Well, it really depends on what everyone involved is hoping to accomplish in a
scene or relationship; as we mentioned at the start, it can be plain old fun roleplay, it can be a
full-fledged alternate persona, it can be a sexual outlet, a submissive or dominant one, or any of a
handful of other things.
Lastly, let's also state a bit of terminology: for many people puppy play is very literally "playing as
though one is a canine young," but for others this notion of being a "puppy" is more abstract. For
example, we alluded earlier to the notion of human pups sometimes being acknowledged as being
human, and in this context the term "puppy" can more generally be called a "pet". Obviously, humans
are not actually canines, but both canines and humans can be kept as pets. Later in this talk, we may use
these two words, "puppy" and "pet" somewhat interchangeably.
So with such a broad ranging set of possibilities, what does puppy play actually look like? What kind of
activities are actually involved?
What kinds of activities are involved in puppy play?
A lot of things! Think about how you might play with a real puppy, and what a real puppy might do.
Pretty much everything is fair game to involve in a puppy play scene or relationship.
Conversio Virium: Puppy Play Panel with Tyler, Maymay and Jeff
2 of 4 3/8/2007 4:25 AM
So, for example, activities can range from simply sleeping on a pad on the floor at night (perhaps at you
the foot of your Master/Mistresse's bed), to housetraining on puppy pads (a puppy equivalent to "potty
training"?), to wrestling with an owner or other pups for fun.
A lot of what you might do has a direct correlation to how long and how intensely you find yourself
desiring to be "in pup space" (that is, to feel like being a puppy). It is unlikely that a more casual trainer
will want anything to do with cleaning up after his or her pup when it pees on the floor, but a hard-core
trainer might actually expect to have to train his or her pet not to do this.
So puppy play can also involve a fair bit of "training," which might be familiar to some people if we
called it "slave training" or "behavior modification." All these things are basically the same, with the
exception being made that what we are training puppies for is not what we are training human slaves
for. A puppy is not a human slave after all, and different things are expected of them. What kind of
things? All or some parts of the following list could apply (but different strokes for different folks, of
Puppies are on all fours, they do not walk! Another aspect of early puppy training involves
getting the pup used to their new body by restricting their ability to stand up on their legs, and to
use their hands and especially their opposable thumbs.
Puppies bark! They do not speak. Early training often involves teaching human pups to bark like
real pups. None of that "woof! Woof!" stuffÑwe want real, gutteral, spontaneous barks!
Puppies respond to simple commands, like "sit" and "stay" or "come" and "beg." And of course,
Puppies do not eat human food, they eat dog food! Training a puppy thus can also involve
concocting specialized meal plans, or at the very minimum, eating habits. Of course, a human
puppy and a real puppy have slightly different dietary needs (and desires), so while there are
some pups that eat actual dog food, many (I dare say most) are merely motivated by the desire to
eat out of a dog dish, rather than at the table, during their time in pup space. This is easy: chop up
the pup's portion of whatever meal is being served into bite-sized chunks, and place it in the dish.
Pups have different ways of expressing and relieving sexual pleasure. Especially in the world of
gay dog boys, a big part of puppy training involves enforced chastity, because puppies don't
masturbate like guys do, with their hands! They hump things when they're horny, so trainers
often find ways (usually through chastity devices) to prevent the male pup from playing with
himself in ways he "shouldn't."
Puppy play as humiliation/ stripping of humanity
Puppy play and gender -- females can be male pups, and vice versa.
What does a puppy scene look like? From a master's perspective
D/s - Ranging from the games you play with a puppy--to actually playing out parts of a normal day in the life
of a "pet owner".
Service - This is an area where headspaces blur for me. Because "fetch the paper" is only so useful to me.
"Fetch me that book" is a mix--as you can't expect the puppy to necessarily differentiate between one book
and another, and you'd have to give a "real" puppy a lot of training to carry a book in his/her teeth without
rather a lot of difficulties.
S/m - "Man bites dog" is never something that interests me with actual dogs. But with the pups in question?
What toys/accessories can be involved?
Conversio Virium: Puppy Play Panel with Tyler, Maymay and Jeff
3 of 4 3/8/2007 4:25 AM
This is all fun and well, but how do you actually do some of this stuff? What tools can you use, and what
should you fill your toybag with to make it an effective one for puppy play?
Collars and leashes — obvious and fun, just go into a pet store and observe the myriad kinds of collars
and leashes available to you. Pick one that matches your mood, that you like!
Doggie dishes/ shallow bowls — for humans, it is important to get a shallow and wide bowl because
our faces are shaped differently that that of real pups.
Mittens of some sort to restrict opposable thumbs — you can make these easily, or buy ones from
BDSM/fetish relailers.
Cages or other restraining devices — how big of a cage you get depends on how you expect to use it,
and how long you want to keep your pup in it at a time. Is it a place of confinement for punishment, or
a relaxing personal cove for your pup?
Squeak toys and other fun accessories
Knee pads — important for long-term crawling.
Grooming supplies such as brushes, combs, etc.
Sometimes masks with muzzles and leather ears — also available at BDSM/fetish retailers, or
makeable if you're handy.
Tails — these can be specialty butt plugs (the best!) or belts with a tail attachment, etc.
Puppy pads for housetraining
Treats! — Can be whatever your pup really likes
Anything else an owner's or a pup's heart desires! Add to this list yourself!
Why do we do this?
It's fun, it's sexy, and it's a way to enjoy the company of a loved one and play partner.
Also, while many D/s-practicing folks have loving and playful relationships, it's often hard to create a
scene that's just plain playful. ÊYou can do this with a pup without losing the dynamic at all.
What does it feel like to be a pup?
Tyler's experiences:
For me, being a pup means getting into a mindset where I can be wild but also have my mistress watching
over me to make sure I don't get into too much trouble. It means being mischievous but also too loveable to
punish (to a certain extent, of course). It also means obeying my mistress, or purposely disobeying her. It
means pleasing her and getting treats, and curling up with her and making her happy. It also means head rubs
and grooming. Being spoiled that way doesn't mean that I don't get punished, it just means I make my owner
feel as guilty as possible for punishing such a tiny little animal. Really I think that she treats me how she
would treat any real pup that came into the house, with the benefits of me being human enough to get out of
puppy space if necessary. For me, this is all probably because I'm more of a frisky lap dog. Some dogs are
bigger and of course, have other personalities. For me, a lot of it is age dropping. A mixture of my inner child
and my inner puppy.
Maymay's experiences:
A big part of it for me is the feeling of being cared for, and of being free of the typical concerns that I must
face every day when I am being a man. Life is really hard as a human for me sometimes, so being a pup or a
human pet is frequently a welcome, if temporary, escape. When I'm a pup, I don't have to worry about
anything that isn't an immediate curiosity or concern. I can prance around the house and snuggle with my
Conversio Virium: Puppy Play Panel with Tyler, Maymay and Jeff
4 of 4 3/8/2007 4:25 AM
mistress to my heart's content. She will feed me, tend to me as needed, and allow me to relax. It gives me an
amazing feeling of being loved, and that's awesome.
Then there are other times, though, when being her pet does cross over into doing what she wants. Because I
am her pet, owned and ultimately controlled by her, she has the ultimate say in what I can do--and what I will
do. Being a pet, for us, also sometimes involves a great deal of sexual play when she wants to take advantage
of it. This usually means my tongue gets put to work, though it can also mean her sadistic side can come out
and abuse me, and all I can do about it is whimper and cower, and try to crawl away.
What does it feel like to be a trainer/master?
Go for it, Jeff ;)
Where can I find out more?
WikiPedia: Human animal roleplay ( ) — the
encyclopedia explanation. Be sure to follow the associated "see also" and other links.
Straypup's Kennel ( ) — great links
The Dog House ( ) — semi underconstruction, but definitely one of the
best for all training needs
Leather Dog ( ) — like IML, but for puppies. Really good basic ideas for
how to start training ( ) — resources for supplying your pet scenes
Zeta Creations ( ) — great source for animal dildos
Mutt Luks ( ) — puppy boots
or just a regular old google search. ( )
( )

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Date:2008-12-03 11:55
Subject:In an Uproar
Mood: worried
Music:I know your gay- Margaret Cho

So yesterday was not such a good day. Megan decided she was going to disappear. She has been missing for over 12 hours. We had no idea where she is or if she is ok. We didn't know if she was coming back. Along with that...Jon got in a car accident and now his truck is all fucked up. Most can be fixed and he thinks he needs a new radiator.

Other than that I am doing ok. Could be better but I will survive. I will try to write more in here later.

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Date:2008-11-29 11:52
Subject:New life and times...
Mood: excited
Music:Fable- Robert Miles

I know I have not written on here for QUITE a while. I have not had the time to do so. I am however witting on here now.

I have been up to ALOT since I last wrote in here. I am currently trying to get a job working at the VA Hospital. I'm getting my CNA license switched to Arizona. I am currently single, however I do play with a Dom sometimes. I must also add that I am missing John immensely. I still want to serve him but only time will tell if that happens. I am not serving anyone at this time...officially anyways...

I am playing with a Dominant at the moment. I only get to see him maybe once a week but when we do get together we have lots of fun. I am also talking to another Dominant and I hope to see him sometime soon. I still have yet to meet him but so far our conversations have been great. I think he is an awesome guy and I'm excited to see where things may go. He is also somewhat new to the lifestyle so it will be fun to learn with him and also from him.

Things seem to be going in a forward motion, slowly...but none the less forward...

I will try to write in here more often but like I always promises

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Date:2008-11-05 19:52
Subject:Trust? What the fuck is that?
Mood: crappy

Trusting people is fucking over-rated...I'm back to square one again...

It's amazing how I can name the people I trust on two hands...if that...

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Date:2008-11-02 14:17
Subject:What if I don't want a subject?
Mood: horny

Not much has been going on. Got to play with the Daddy one again. He's SO much fun. Once again there was another brush broke on my ass. So now the Daddy one owes me a new brush. Hopefully a stronger one if he's gonna be using it on my ass. I will probably be seeing him this coming weekend and I'm oh so excited as long as nothing comes up. I hope nothing does. I would love to see him again...playing is so much fun.

I just wanted to write in here and kinda say what I was thinkin. Maybe eventually I'll be able to sit and actually WRITE about what has been going on with me.

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Date:2008-10-31 19:29
Subject:Playing and the joys of being free
Mood: excited
Music:Merging Oceans-Rotersand

So now that I haven't been tied up anymore...I'm being tied up in different ways. I have been able to meet lots of new people and I have also played with someone new. I must say it was pretty awesome. I won't give any details in here because I don't know if he want's me to mention his name yet or even his scene name yet. We will see how things go. He's pretty cool so far though. He's a Daddy Dom and I really like that. He's a very powerful man and I like the control and energy he feeds to me when we played. I'm excited to see where things will go.

I'm also a bit sad because if things go well with this Dom then I won't be seeing Jared as much nor Megan and that's bit heart breaking. I know I will make the right choice and it's not like Jared and Megan will not continue to be in my life. I hope they continue to be in my life for YEARS to come.

I'm none the less excited to see what's going to happen with my future. Maybe I'll find that poly home I've been looking for...

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Date:2008-10-28 15:41
Subject:Fetish Alive Store

Today I'm sitting down at the Fetish Alive store with Sir Jared and Megan. I like it's a comfy place with awesome people.

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Date:2008-10-28 15:40
Subject:Fuck me

I was gonna write about my first actual day with Jared and Megan but I forgot to bring along my freakin journal so I could transfer over my info from there to here...DANG IT!

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Date:2008-10-27 10:48

So i'm back once again. I'm doing well and having fun! I have been around Jared alot more and I can say that it has put a HUGE happy smile on my face. I got to meet Megan and some other pretty awesome people. BUT I will be writing about my first DAY spent with Jared and Megan in my next journal entry. I have one written out in my paper journal BUT I just haven't had to to write about it in my journal. So I will later...I'm excited to spend more time with both Jared and Megan.

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Date:2008-10-22 12:31
Mood: stressed
Music:Cry For You-September

I will not be writing in this journal as much for a while, if at all.

If I do not write for a while...I will be back eventually.

If I do not write in this journal at all anymore...I may be back...I may not. It all depends on where things go with the one I even started this for...

I have always been a fighter and the choices I will make in the near future will not take me down. I will make these choices to better myself...for myself and no one else. I will make these choices with me in mind, because if I cannot focus on myself and make better choices for myself. I cannot possibly focus my attention on someone else if I cannot at first focus on myself.

My choices now are to either move to somewhere else where I have more choices in a job and can focus on me and me alone...or stay with Beauty and still get a job and focus on me still.

Needless to say...I have alot to think about for the next few days...but I will have my decision by the beginning of the coming week.

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Date:2008-10-19 14:05
Subject:Hmmm the Journal...
Mood: grateful
Music:Revolution- Rascal Flatts

I got in trouble for some things I had done earlier this week. Sir beat my ass. Fucked me...then ran me a bath and left me. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Was I just used and left or was it all just part of the punishment? I'm hoping it was all just part of the punishment but I guess well see. That's kinda what I have been waiting for. I am pretty sure that me acting out was so I would be punished because it was one thing I had not recieved yet. Maybe if I was punished more for my actions...I wouldn't be such an unruly subbie. Maybe I'd actually listen to Sir better if there was more punishment for my actions. I guess it's my switch side thinking I can get away with what I want because I don't get punished much. Who knows...maybe after that I will actually behave. I guess well find out.

My ass still hurts...there is no bruises on my skin but I know they are under the skin. They fucking hurt!

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Date:2008-10-13 14:19
Mood: hopeful
Music:Me and Mrs. Jones- Michael Buble


I've kinda been neglecting my journal and that's not fair to me...or the person I started this for. I have no idea if he even still reads this but...I will keep writing...because maybe someday...our paths will cross again.

I've been doing ALOT of thinking lately and I've decided that it isn't fair to anyone else to try and move on when someone else still holds my heart. Everyone tells me to move on cause he was no good for me but I am not ready to. I can't move on if there is still that want to know if anything more could have been. So this is a choice I make on my wait it out and see how things go. I do need to learn to be more patient. He did tell me in the beginning before anything happened that he was busy and didn't have much of a life outside work and stuff and that he didn't really have the time to devote to me. Granted I gave way to much to him...when he didnt seem ready for it. I pushed him away because I was so needy and impatient. So I will prove to him that I can be patient and until I know for sure that there is nothing there...I will continue to try to show him what I can be and will be. If we continue to be upset we cannot move forward and if we don't learn from our mistakes we cannot look back on what happened and try to better it the next time.

I will try to write in my journal more...Maybe it will help me keep my head clear so I can continue to move forward.

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Date:2008-10-11 15:03
Subject:I like this article about Daddy it!
Mood: excited
Music:Korn- Twisted Transistor

This was written by someone and I liked the article so I decided to post it for your reading pleasure.

Daddy Doms...I mentioned the term Daddy Dom in a chat room the other day and was greeted by a resounding Yuck! It got me thinking about the misconceptions surrounding this aspect of D/s. I realize most think that it involves a father/daughter relationship. That isn't quite true, Daddy/little girl is a much different level. I do not know if I can explain what I mean so I will simply talk about what a Daddy Dom is to me. First I should say that in my relationship my Dom is not my father, he is nothing like my father, and I have no need for him to replace my father. He is however my Daddy. We do not engage in age play specifically ( beyond the occasional school girl fantasy *s*) and our relationship is not based on any need to have sex with children. I am always all woman, and always a very independent woman. He does have the ability to make me feel like a little girl, however, a very cherished and sometimes needy little girl. It is a feeling that I revel in, it is the safest place I have ever been, and it allows me the freedom to be all that I am without fear of reprisals. So..what makes a Daddy Dom? First and foremost he loves his little girl. She is his prized possession. His eyes light up when she walks into the room and he takes great pride in her successes. After all, he helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of his heart and has the greatest power to hurt him. Seeing her hurt however is not something a Daddy Dom wants. He sees it as his job to protect her, both from the outside world and herself. He may love to cause her great pain in a scene, but he hates to be the one to hurt her emotionally. It hurts him to have to punish her , but he knows it is sometimes necessary. This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to his needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all he wants to do is hold her safe in his arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined. A Daddy Dom knows the value of discipline, though at times his soft heart gets the best of him. He knows that in order for his little girl to be the best she can possibly be he must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and his knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises. He knows this hurts her, and that tears at his heart, but he also knows it is for her own good. A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to his submissive..acceptance. She is safe in his arms because he knows her, everything about her, and he still loves her. When she goes to him she knows that this man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn't matter. To him she is beautiful. Many of you may be asking what separates a Daddy Dom from any other Dom. In most cases very little. Hopefully they all provide love, strength, protection, discipline, and acceptance. I have heard Daddy Doms described as a kinder, gentler, Dom. I like that definition though I know it won't apply to all. I guess when it really comes down to it I can't explain it. There is something infinitely magical about a Daddy Dom. Perhaps it is something only a little girl can understand.

Daddy/little girl does not refer to the ages, real or pretend, of the participants. Nor does it imply closet desires. It refers to the environment that two people have created. A Daddy Dom is so named because of the qualities he possesses and the service he provides. So, what are these qualities? What is a Daddy Dom? A Daddy Dom wants to be the center of your universe. He wants to be able to provide for your every need and care. But more than that he wants to be able to shape and mold you to the image he thinks you should become. He sees in you someone who, in his mind, can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He believes more in you than you believe in yourself. What he wants in return is to be able to bask in his image of you, the image he has created. How does he achieve his goals? Through love, respect, and discipline. His love for his little girl goes without saying. He accepts every part of her and works to emphasize the good while improving the bad. He loves her as much for who she is as for who she will become with his guidance. It is this love that allows him to train her. He could not invest so much of himself in someone he did not love completely. This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel great pride in his possession. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given him and takes great pains to increase it's value. It is extremely important to him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with him. He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the little girl to really trust she must know he means what he says. He must constantly deepen her respect for him. If he does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If his submissive finds that she can manipulate him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He needs to empower her as much as he wants to possess her and it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect. The discipline is also important when it comes to her protection, both from those outside the relationship and those within. He is the one who makes the decisions about how she will relate to the world in general and his discipline ensures that she follows these rules. I think most Doms have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of male authority figure in their submissive's life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it's participants crave.

Written by "Kendra" as indicated on

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Date:2008-10-10 20:08
Subject:So freakin frustrated...
Mood: frustrated
Music:Changes- 3 Doors Down

What do you do when someone only makes you an option and you make them an important priority? GAWD!!!!! I fucking want him so bad! I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me want's to walk away and part of me wants to still wait it out and see what happens. It would really be nice to know what he thinks and wants from me.

NEVERMIND....we decided to be friends...

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Date:2008-10-07 15:21
Subject:Communication, communication, communication...have I said it enough yet?
Mood: crushed
Music:The Best You Never Had- Leona Lewis

*Still being revised, will add more later*

The answer is never. So one of the things that's been frustrating the crap out of ME is that Sir and I do not communicate. A message here and there and a Hi how are not communicating. That is just exchanging pleasentries. Seriously, how can we even proceed to build our relationship if there is NO communication.

I talked to someone who I am hoping will become a good life long friend. I asked him if as a submissive I have the right and deserve to have communication in the relationship. His answer was along these lines. "Without communication, there is no honesty, without honesty there is no trust and you cannot build a relationship if there is no communication." GUESS WHO ALSO TELLS ME THIS! Beauty does. How can two people saying the same thing be wrong? They can't be! I asked Sir if we could have more communication and he said ok...Ok? What the hell is that? Can't I at least get a YES or a NO! See there's that wonderful lack of communication again.

I want someone who will be gaurded, because with pain comes wanting to gaurd your heart. Sometimes you can be much to gaurded though. When you don't tell someone that you say your interested in much of can't build anything up because they know nothing about you. Who cares if I know where you work and who your friends are...I want to know you...THE REAL YOU! I want to know the person I stay up till 6 in the morning with...laying on his lap. I want you...

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Date:2008-10-06 19:22
Subject:Rape Fantasy *Will be revised and changed if I or Sir thinks there needs to be something added*
Mood: horny
Music:Wild Thing- Tone Loc

It is a very still, quiet evening tonight. It is so quiet that you can’t even hear very many crickets chirping. There seems to be a certain spookiness that lingers in the air. I have a feeling that tonight will be a very memorable night…

I have not talked to Sir very much in the last few days. I wonder if he is up to something devious. I shake the thought and head off to the bathroom to take a shower. I walk to the bathtub and turn on the water. I let the water run to warm up. I walk to the mirror and I admire the bruises that are left on my skin from when Sir was with me a few days ago. I love when he leaves his mark on my flesh. I stand and look and remember the feel of his teeth on my skin.

I walk back to the shower and feel the water to make sure it’s the right temperature, not too hot nor too cold. I step into the shower and stand under the warm water. I feel it cascade down my body, off of my already hard nipples. I feel the water run down my body to my pussy which is also wet from the memories on my flesh. I moan slightly at the feeling then go about my normal shower routine. I wash my body and rinse, then wash my hair and rinse my hair. I put conditioner in my hair and grab my razor so I can shave and be nice and smooth for Sir if he comes over to see me. I shave my legs and rinse the conditioner from my hair. I rinse all over one last time to make sure all the soap is gone. I stand under the water for a bit more reminiscing about past times. I step out of the shower and grab my towel to wrap around me. I get a feeling as if I am being watched but I shake the feeling thinking it’s nothing and walk to the bedroom.

I enter the bedroom and reach out to grab my clothes but before I know what hit me, there is a pillow case over my head. I try to scream but a hand is forced over my mouth so I cannot scream. I am then hand cuffed with my hands behind my back and I’m forced onto the bed. I feel something being tied to my ankles. First my right ankle then my legs are forced apart and I feel something being tied to my left ankle. I try to close my legs but I cannot. I can’t even get my knees together. I am now open and vulnerable to whatever is about to happen to me. I then start to panic I want to scream but it will not leave my throat. I am secretly turned on by what is happening…it’s the lose of control that I am loving.

I feel hands reach up to my ears and place ear plugs in them. Now I cannot hear or see anything that is going on. I can only feel and wonder. I once again feel the hands reach up around my head. I feel what seems to be a blindfold placed over my eyes. I now have a blindfold over my eyes, ear plugs in my ears and I’m tied to a spreader bar with my arms handcuffed behind my back, so I cannot fight against my attacker. I can squirm but I cannot do much else. I then feel hot breath on my neck and teeth press into my flesh, the bite makes me squeal and try to get away. I feel hands on my body. My breasts are squeezed and my nipples are pinched very hard. I then feel something squeezing my now hard nipples. It is a pain that will not let up. I think to the bag of toys and remember the clothespins. I squeal again and fight against the restraints. I feel the hand reach to my ear. The ear plug is pulled from my ear and I hear a rough voice tell me very calmly, “If you’re a good girl and you behave, I will not hurt you. I will hurt you, but if your good. I will not cause you harm.” I breath heavy and say, “yes, Sir” in a panicked, scared tone.” The ear plug is then replaced and I am lost once again.

I am then pulled to my feet and I’m turned around roughly and forced to bend over the bed. I feel the hands on my breasts again, as a body is pushed against my ass. I feel how excited he is and it makes me moist. (I should not be feeling this way. I’m about to be raped and I should be traumatized and crying.) I try to scream again but a gag is forced into my mouth so I cannot. I try to stand up but I am forced back onto the bed. I feel a hand slap across my ass I try to scream from the slap across my ass but I cannot. My hair is grabbed and my head is jerked back as he thrusts up against me. This startles me and I obey his command.

I then feel nothing. No body against me…not a thing. Then I feel the pillow case being pulled off of my head. I feel the gag come out of my mouth and feel something warm and hard replace it, pressing against my lips. I open my mouth and feel what I know is someone’s cock being forced down my throat. I am surprised by this but suck because I know if I do not, something far worse is in store. I feel his hand at the back of my head as he thrusts in and out of my warm, waiting mouth. I start to suck as if I want it thinking it will please him and he will leave and not hurt me more. My nipples ache from my weight on the clothespins and tears start to fall from my eyes. He sees this and starts to thrust harder into my mouth. I start to think his more aggressive thrusting is because he’s about to cum. He then pulls out and I feel nothing again. I can taste his excitement in my mouth. It tastes terrible although I can’t help but lick my lips and want more. I then feel the hands on my ass again, rubbing my flesh. I feel a firm slap across my ass and then another and another. I scream and the gag is forced back into my mouth. I then feel fingers at my pussy. (Oh God, I hope he wont notice how wet I am. Then he’s sure to know that I’m enjoying this.) I feel his other hand on my ear plug again pulling it out. I hear his voice say, “You’re a little slut aren’t you? Look at you enjoying this. It’s making you so wet. Only a slut would enjoy this.” I moan and shake my head no. He reaches up and pulls my hair again. He tells me, “You are a slut and you do enjoy this! Are you ready for what’s about to happen next, slut?” I shake my head no again and I feel his hand come down on my ass. “Yes you are, don’t lie to me slut. I will beat the truth out of you.” I shake and listen to his words. He tells me to tell him the truth and I nod.

I then feel the ear plug being replaced again. I feel fingers being shoved into my pussy. It makes me moan. It’s hurts but yet feels so good. He pulls out his fingers and rubs my juices on my ass. I squeal because I fear what is about to happen next. I am wrong and he shoves his cock into my pussy. It makes me ache and I can’t help but moan. He thrusts into me with such force that it makes the bed move and hit the wall. I feel him lean over me. His teeth bite into my skin on my neck and I scream into the gag. He continues to fuck me without mercy. He is fucking me so hard I feel as if I’m being torn open. My nipples ache so badly now and so does my pussy. I notice my body start to tense. (Oh my god, I can’t cum…I cannot cum. This is not right. I cannot cum. Please don’t cum…please no.) He notices this and starts to fuck harder. He pulls the ear plug from my ear and tells me I have to cum. If I do not cum I will be punished. (I cannot cum on the man that is raping me, this is so wrong.) I tense more and start to cum all over him. I hear his voice, “Yes that’s it slut, cum on my cock. Let me know you enjoy this use. I enjoy fucking you. You’re the best slut I’ve had yet. What a good slut…keep cuming.” I feel disgusting and used. How could I cum on the man that is raping me? The ear plug is once again replaced so I cannot hear. I can only feel.

I then feel him pull out. I feel the head of his cock on my ass. I feel him press against my ass hole. He pushes harder. I feel my ass start to spread around the tip of his cock. It hurts so badly and I try to scream. I start to cry from the pain as he pushes into me more. I feel him enter me completely and I cry because it hurts. I feel as if I was just torn open. I feel his hands on my ass as he starts to slide out and back in. I try to pull away from him and he reaches up and grabs my hair so I cannot pull away from him. He starts to fuck me faster and harder. I scream into the gag. He fucks my ass with as much force as he just fucked my pussy, maybe even more. I feel my body start to tense again. (I really cannot cum from this. I’ve only ever cum from this when Sir fucked me. This is wrong. “Please body don’t cum,” I tell myself.) I feel the ear plug being pulled from my ear again. I hear his voice once again. “Do you like this slut; do you like it when I fuck you in your ass? Now remember be honest or I will beat you till your honest!” I nod. He fucks me harder. “Cum for me and show me what a good slut you are!” I feel my body tense more and I start to cum again. I feel his body tense also. I think he is cumming. He’s cumming in my ass! I squeal and try to get away but I cannot. His cock is shoved into my ass as I feel him explode inside me.

I lay on the bed panting, feeling used and disgusted. I hear his voice again. He tells me, “You were a good slut. If only I could keep you with me and use your body for my pleasure all the time. I would be a happy man. Now if you behave I will let you free and I will leave. If you try to scream or call the cops, I will come back for you. I will hurt you far worse then I have tonight! Do you understand slut?” I nod and tears falls from my eyes once more.

I then feel his hands releasing me from my restraints. He removes the plugs from my ears and the gag from my mouth. He tells me to stay on the bed until I hear him leave and do not take the blindfold off until he is gone. I lay and wait as I hear him walk down the hallway. I hear the door open and close. I lay still for a few minutes listening to make sure he is gone. I try as best I can to collect my thoughts. I rise from the bed and remove the blindfold. I walk to the living room to lock the door to make sure he cannot come back and I am startled to see Sir sitting on the couch with a smile on his face.

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Date:2008-10-05 05:54
Mood: sleepy
Music:Don't stop Believin'- Journey

I'm Oh So Sleepy. It's 6am and I've been up all night waiting for Beauty to get home from work. I will sleep when she gets home.

Oh a good note. I think Sir and I are doing better. I know letting go a bit has made me feel better. I'm starting to trust him more and have a bit more faith. I do miss him like crazy. I'm hoping to see him later today. If I can get so lucky...I'll be the happiest girl ever!

Sorry this post is not longer. I can hardly type and I'm totally tired as ever. I will try to write more when I'm a bit more awake and coherent.

XOXO Ya'll

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Date:2008-10-03 23:25
Mood: determined
Music:Dark Blue- Jack's Mannequin

So today...I have alot on my mind.

Sir and I have not really talked much at all. I'm starting to get over it. He is a busy man and I should just be lucky he spends anytime with me at all.

I started my affirmation today and it's already making me feel a bit better about myself. It's funny how some simple words can make someone's day/life/esteem SOOOO much better. I think I like the road I have turned myself down. I think I'm going to post a poem that I have been thinking about lately...

A Road Less Traveled
~Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back,

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

That is one of my favorite poems ever. I usually read it when I choose to go down another path because it gives me faith that it will be for the better. Plus...Robert Frost is an AMAZING writter. I wish I had half the talent he did. I'm starting to feel a bit better about things.

I am thinking that letting go of Sir a bit will be a good thing and that it will lead to good places. I think I'm actually starting to trust him more. I think it's also amazing how little things you do can make HUGE changes. I do think it's time for some drastic changes!

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Date:2008-10-03 02:41
Subject:3 am...just about...
Mood: optimistic
Music:Save Me From Myself- Christina Aguilera

I'm still awake. Was not going to write in this journal anymore but...I'm going to do it for me, because if no one else will...I will. I have decided that everyday...I will look in the mirror and tell my self:

"I am beautiful, inside and out. I have a heart that's pure and a love that can and will outlast anyone elses. Love yourself, before you love others, because if you cannot love thyself...No one else will. Remember to keep your head up and your eyes to the stars, Because if you always reach for the stars, you will always have somewhere to go. You will have a great day and remember you are Beautiful and love yourself."

This is going to be my daily affirmation. I may add more to it later as time progresses and grows.

It has been proven that when someone keeps telling something to themself over and over again it will eventually become true. It must be, because all my life I was told I was ugly and no good and I sure believe that now. It is though something that must be done to better myself.

"Self-esteem is called SELF-esteem because it is your own and only YOU can fix it."

This is my quest and I travel it with only myself.

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Date:2008-10-01 16:16
Subject:Depression sets in...
Mood: depressed
Music:It's Over- Jesse McCartney

As the dark, depressing wave crashes in over my head...I think I'm about to drown in it's dark, cold, lonely waters.

I have been feeling very depressed that last few weeks. I have tried my best to put on my happy smile and push through it all. It seems though that the more steps I take forward...I am pushed back 15 more. Sometimes I feel as if my Dad was right when he told me all those times that I'd never amount to anything and I'd always be a fuck up. Then there is the strong part of me that says that what he always used to say was a lie. I'm strong like my mother yet weak like my father. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I always give it before it should be given.

I try to hard to perfect things and trying to hard seems to lead me to failure. I used to never talk to anyone and now I open up to someone and talk to them. I ask questions, yet...don't get answers. I tell about my feelings and get nothing back. How can I want to give to someone so bad but cannot figure out how to give to him the way he wants? I guess it just takes time and hope that I really don't fuck things up. Although...I think it's already to late for that...

I may not give to you as a submissive yet...but you have my heart and to me...that means much more than being your submissive. My heart is what keeps me alive...submitting to you is just what makes me smile and makes my heart happy. When I put my heart into your hands, I'm trusting you to not crush it. Take it and cherish it as if it were your own. Me submitting will come in time...but it take's patience and time. An understanding that I too, like you...have been fucked over multiple times. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and give my whole heart to you. If you do not have my heart you will never have me as a submissive, because if I can trust you with my heart...I can trust you as my Dominant.

So Sir...I give you my heart in return for your patience and a hope that I will have your heart also. I will do my best to take care of it and not hurt you as I hope you will do the same for me.

I'm also sorry for anything I have caused or done that has made you upset with me. I am only human and I am not perfect.

All I ask for is patience and a strong hand to guide me along...I cannot learn, if I am not taught.

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