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Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
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9:46 am - kitty litter, cereal, and cat puke
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Good FUCKING morning.
another day.... have to go get my shit from cj and peters today. i really jsut dont want to. a cat tipped over the litter bax last night (into the carpet). my cat decided to puke alot this morning and johns cat decided to eat my cereal.
i really should go workout this morning, and i should pay my verizon bill (those fuckers), and i should call my father dearest, and i should unpack my shit (i moved in almost a month ago), and i should not be such a lazy loser cunt face... but yeah, that pretty much explains it.
so i have no idea whether or not joel went camping this weekend... i wish he would id ont kmnow call me or something at least to let me know. becaus eif he didnt go its because his eyes were to bad, and if he did go he shouldnt have been able to text me that one time saying that he was "ok". plus if he didnt go camping i would really like to see him... but he probably has to stay with her... i feel like SHE is becoming tolerable to him, not awesome but tolerable enough so that i am not worth changing his life for. he used to tell me ewverything that was going on between them but now i get next to nothing. in fact he got mad a t ME the other day for "asking to many questions" of course im going to ask questions if i have no idea what is going on because you never have the time of day to talk to me about anything. ahhhhh. i just wish i could be in a normal relationship with him.. i wish we had met under different circumstances. but wishes dont amount to anything.
sometimes i think i sound like i am in highschool again.
current mood:  disappointed
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| Friday, July 21st, 2006
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8:09 pm - been a long time and no one knows i'm here
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my life is stagnant. i am doing nothing right now. joel never can see me and i feel like we are drifting apart because of it. i want to scream and scream and scream.... i am not lonley i am just alone. i miss all my good friends form eau claire... jess, cs, leslie, gina... where are you? i wish i would have stayed in better touch with them. its too late now. i am not lonley i am just alone.
two men commited a crime, if they both stay silent they both get two years in jail... if they turn in the other person that man gets life and the other goes free... if they both trun each other in they both get 10 years... what do they do?
i am unhappy. i have no one to talk to about it... i suppose if i had someone to talk to about it i wouldn't be unhappy.
i miss my friendship with cj... i am upset that a silly boy came between us... or maybe we did jsut grow apart, grow up, continue with life.
i am happy my cat loves me.
i want to be doing anything but sitting here alone... but i dont want to be out with strangers.
i wish i had good friends again, the kind you can spend hours talking to and never get bored.
my roomate judges me, it really bothers me... it not like he says im an idiot its just he seems to make fun of all the little things i do that i never thought were wrong.. that bothers me more than the things i already know are wrong with me.
have a nice day no one.
i jsut want to eat and eat and eat, and that makes me feel bad, and that makes me want to eat even more.
current mood:  okay
current music: lips of an angel
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| Monday, June 7th, 2004
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5:06 pm - buh bye
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ya so, im not using this journal any more... my new journal is at www.livejournal.com/users/uwillbetrayme
so if u want to know whats up and be nosey u can go there instead.
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| Friday, May 21st, 2004
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10:00 am - eau claire
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im going to miss it.... i've learned so much here. i will miss everyone soooo much. i love you guys. call me this summer. REMEMBER THE VENT!!!!
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| Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
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12:24 am - too much to ask?
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all i want is to spend time with my best friend in the whole earth. is that really too much to ask? im sick of prissy bitch taking him all the fucking time. i am only going to be here for another 3.5 days. he will have him all fucking summer and school year. fucking a. whatever. i guess it dosent fucking matter anyway.
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| Monday, May 17th, 2004
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3:40 am - blisters and split lips
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*yawn* final tomorrow... have i studied? no. oh well. its econ, i should do fine. i am dreading talking to darrin when i go home. grrrr. i am just so sick of it. why do i need to defend everything i do and say? cs is sleeping in my bed right now, his bed and futon ore covered with his crap. and i am staying up so that maybe i can study tomorrow or something. who knows. at least this way i will not sleep through the final. a bunch of us are going to the 90s on thursday, i cant wait it will be so much fun. i am going to miss everyone so much. i wish life was more fluid, that u could take the people u love with u where ever u go. but it doesnt work that way... i will visit, i promise i will. this whole cj and prissy bitch thing has gotten way out of control. i have given up, hiis fate is his own, but i will be there when it all comes crashing down around him. as any of u who read my other journal know, ian called me. i am not sure wheater i am excited to see him or not. we will see how it goes, he still makes my heart flutter. (bad emily). but i am off to kill the night. i will see yall later.
current mood:  content
current music: hoobastank; the reason
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| Friday, May 14th, 2004
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5:31 am - bullshit
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i get so mad when people assume they know things without even asking me... fuck.... even when they ask me and i tell them the truth its not what they assumed so apparently i am a lier. what the fuck. i mean seriously, why would i lie to a good friend? or at least someone i thought was a good friend. but apparently not. whatever. if people arent going to trust me, why should i trust them? i shouldnt. i guess thats the way this life goes.
current mood:  cynical
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| Thursday, May 13th, 2004
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6:11 am - 6 am
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the odd thing about 6 am is that u can feel the world waking up. its a very strange feeling. despite the fact i have had no sleep, the world is waking up around me, its such a storng feeling. everythign changes. everything goes from gloomy and dead, to bright and alive.
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| Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
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12:27 pm - yawn
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im tired. im waiting for ashley then i can go back to sleep. but then i have to get up again. but my bed just sounds so pleasent and wonderful. but yeah. waiting for ashley. i wish she would hurry. anyday now. oh well. ok.
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| Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
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5:28 am
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i hate this. i cant support ur relationship anymore. this isnt healthy. we need to talk. i hope u read this. in fact i know u will prolly after we talk. but thats ok. im even more upset that u did it with me sleeping right beside u. did u think i wouldnt find out? im sorry, im smarter than that. goodbye.
current mood: cynical
current music: lifehouse; storm
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| Monday, May 10th, 2004
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3:55 am - lost
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my feelings betray me. things are going well in all my relationships with people. but my heart is in a dark place. i feel alone, when i have many people who support and care for me. i thought about my own death again tonight. not that i would take my own, but that someone would take it for me. i cant sleep at nights at all. i feel like i am nothing but a failure. i have nothing to offer anyone. i dont know why i am even here. i am worried that when i go back home everythin will be different. everyone will have moved on to better things. that there will be no one i can confide in. no one to hang out with and have a good time with on a more personal level than just hey ya wanna do to dennys. i dont want to feel any of this. i want to be sure and confident. i want to feel happy. prom was great, i was on such a high. i felt welcome and loved. i dont know what happend. i wish i could feel that all the time, but i know that can never be. i just hate not knowing what to do. i wish i had a purpose, a reason, a motive, anything to hold on to. but i dont...
current mood:  anxious
current music: Lifehouse;blyss- storm
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| Sunday, May 9th, 2004
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1:50 am - prom
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prom was so much fun. it was slpw at first. but it ended up being totally kink ass. i am in such a good mood. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! but yeah, thats the short version. mike got pissy and les and paula fought, but otherwise it was great fun. i love everyone. i am so coming back for this next year!!! yay
current mood:  exhausted
current music: foo fighter; monkey wrench
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| Saturday, May 8th, 2004
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1:43 am - as the blood flows
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only 35 slices and i feel numb. its taking more and more cuts to ease the pain. my leg throbs, but it is farmiliarly soothing. i can finally breath. i need to find a better way to deal with the way i hate myself, my feelings of failure, the feeling that no one will every really truly like me for me, and want to hang out with me first. the feelings always linger in the back of my mind, the insecurities have to much power over me. i need to be free from them, free to love and live. there has to be an easier way. although cutting has created its own need. i crave the feeling. it makes me so at peace. there is no other feeling like it in the world. i just fail to see the bad with it, wounds heal. the soul dosent. there is nothing else to say.
my soul crys
my heart bleeds
only the knife reveals my pain
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| Friday, May 7th, 2004
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9:23 pm - *sigh*
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im lonley. im tierd of feeling like this. i want someone to make this feeling go away. its like everyone has something better to do than hang out with me. oh well. i will survive. i fear that even when i move back to madison i will have the same feelings. ijust dont want to be lonley anymore. is that to much to ask?
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2:24 am - bordom
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so one would think that after pulling an all nighter last night, and catching a 2 hour nap in the DRC today, that by now i would be tierd. but no. im not. and i am fucking bored out of my mind. someone needs to come and save me. that is all.
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| Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
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4:11 am - interesting... not really
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just got home. hung out with darrin and jeff tonight. jeff is a cool kid. to bad i didnt get to know him earlier this school year. went over to gina's place and drank a little, those two were wussys when it came to booze, so i was the only one who drank anything. i hate my roomate, she is a bitch. im a bit buzzed. i should go to bed but it is fucking hot in here. cj hasnt seen darrin yet this weekend, if he dosent see him before he leaves darrin will get pissed. im used to being put on a back burner to mike, but darrin isnt. should be interesting. but yeah, jeff kicks ass. they are prolly off fucking around. but jeff has a boyfriend. wierd shit. i will talk to yall later.
current mood:  drunk
current music: i dont mind when my dog runs away...
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| Saturday, May 1st, 2004
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7:04 pm
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You're a Spirograph!! You're pretty tripped out,
even though you've been known to be a bit
boring at times. You manage to serve your
purpose in life while expending hardly any
effort (and are probably stoned to the gills
all the while).
What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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6:40 pm - blah
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im bored, my head hurts, and im starving. ok? ok. but last night kicked serious ass. darrin and i went over to jessicas house with chris a. and ate chicken then darrin and i went and hung out at chris' house. and that was really fun. and then darrin and i went to CK and had good food. and it was fun. and yeah, this is all really jargoled together so i am going to stop now. bye
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| Friday, April 30th, 2004
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5:42 pm - thank you
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darrin is my savior. he is coming up tonight. god love him
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4:55 pm - the terrible three and other musings
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so yeah, i have a feeling this weekend is going to be just as lonley as last, if not more. i cant believe i have a crush. its wierd. but whatever, nothing will come of it. i cant wait for school to be over and so that i can go home. jess and i had a talk but it really wasnt that fruitful, and things will prolly be akward for awhile. i really just want to be surrounded by good friends and be able to laugh and have a good time. but i feel so strange with people latley. last night was fun, but gina got sad and yeah. i dont know why people always get sad when they are around me, i feel like i am bad luck. it makes sence that no one wants me around. i feel like crying. all i want is to not be alone right now. but i dont think that is an option i have. everyone judges me, everyone hates me, everyone has better things to do with thier time. and i honeslty dont blame them. i wouldnt hang out with me either.
sitting and thinking
the world disappears
all i want is to find the one
that will take me away from here
current mood:  guilty
current music: matchbox 20
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