something Jess sent me Jess got this from someone, and recommended that I fill it out. It sounded like a rather amusing thing to do.
If I were a month I would be: November, when things get nice and cool out.
If I were a day of the week I would be: Sunday, when they show a good number of weird cartoons.
If I were a time of day I would be: Mid-afternoon, when it's best for walks and whatnot.
If I were a planet I would be: Tralfamadore. (Vonnegut rules!)
If I were a sea animal I would be: a giant squid.
If I were a direction I would be: North.
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: Marcel Breuer's famous "Wassily" chair.
If I were a sin I would be: lust.
If I were a historical figure I would be: Rinzai, founder of the most vicious and bizarre school of Zen. Thwack!
If I were a liquid I would be: Cantillon Gueuze (Belgian lambic beer).
If I were a tree I would be: #5, the Larch.
If I were a bird I would be: a Javanese Rice Finch. I dunno why.
If I were a tool I would be: a socket wrench.
If I were a flower/plant I would be: Hops.
If I were a kind of weather I would be: overcast.
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: an odradek. (
http://www.hum.au.dk/romansk/borges/vakalo/zf/html/body_the_odradek.html)
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: an early Moog synthesizer.
If I were an animal, I would be: a badger. I've always liked and identified with them for some reason, simultaneously friendly and antisocial with a liking for undergroud places.
If I were a color, I would be: infrared.
If I were an emotion, I would be: a sense of aloof amusement.
If I were a vegetable, I would be: Nappa cabbage. Mmm, kimchi...
If I were a sound, I would be: a rather low-pitched hum.
If I were an element, I would be: one of the lanthanide group.
If I were a song, I would be: well, it would change a lot. Currently "Bedward the Flying Preacher," a cautionary tale about blind religious faith by Jamaican DJ Prince Far-I.
If I were a movie, I would be: anything by Eisenstein, Kurosawa, or Tarkovsky.
If I were a book, I would be: Finnegan's Wake. Interminable and baffling.
If I were a place, I would be: the Kalakuta Republic, musician/dissident Fela Kuti's compound in Lagos, Nigeria.
If I were a material, I would be: tweed.
If I were a taste, I would be: curry.
If I were a scent, I would be: aloe-wood incense.
If I were a religion, I would be: Either Taoism or Zen.
If I were a word, I would be: crapulent.
If I were an object, I would be: a hydrometer.
If I were a body part I would be: the elbow.
If I were a facial expression I would be: bewildered.
If I were a subject in school I would be: English. Or, depending on the school, Advanced Yoruba.
If I were a cartoon character I would be: My namesake Bender. I drink beer, smoke the occasional cigar, and am frequently sarcastic; and I was doing so before Futurama was on the air. Bite my shiny metal ass!
If I were a shape I would be: the Shining Trapezohedron. Ia Cthulhu!
If I were a number I would be: 65. No idea why, it was what first came to mind.