I was good today. It's Friday, why wouldn't I be happy? But then I started to panic about some former things. It came from a conversation I had earlier today in my German class. Past fears just came swooping in. I've been so careful about who I make friends with these last two semesters. I don't want to make the same mistakes. But today I just started to panic about my friend Dan. I just couldn't figure out what about me makes him want to talk with me or to hang out with me after class. It brought back some past fears about past friends. I then just got so angry and pushed him away, just stopped talking to him. Closed down and went back into my shell, assuming that I am a loser and that he must be retarded to want to talk to me.
Right now I'm angry at myself for having responded the way I did about my fears that he will leave this friendship like all the other people. He didn't deserve that treatment from me. He didn't deserve to be the canvas that I throw my past fears onto. If he didn't want to chat with me, he wouldn't. Simple as that.
The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Get it together girl. It is shitty what you did to Dan today. Own up to it and be a big girl. I have a secret for you lady. You know how you keep thinking, "One day I'll be so cool and neat, everyone will love me! I'll be better than the best. I'll be uber sheen!", you think about what you'd to "be" cool, you think about how you WANT to project that fantastic vibe? What if you took that image of "cool" and "neat" that you are projecting into the future and snuggle into it now? Wear that "cool" and "neat" image NOW. Right Now. Knit the "cool SJ" and wear her out and about.
I like that. I like that alot. I needed that ass kicking.
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