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Tuesday, October 7th, 2008
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12:48 am - What the hell?
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How in the fuck did I ever become such a drama queen? I guess at 25 you just learn to cut that crap out. I just felt like updating on some place other than myspace. I wonder if anyone else will read this.
To all those who do, I just want to let you know I'm sorry. I tend to just disappear and shed friends like snake skin. I shed, move on, find a new persona elsewhere and move on. It's a process that comes and goes every other year.
If you want to reach me, I'm at paperak (at) gmail (dot) com and myspace ID is radiantpaperak. I assure you, there is a lot less whining there.
current music: Dream Theater - Panic Attack
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| Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
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9:56 pm - Lesson of the day: Never answer the door without looking, for you may be deported.
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Hi, folks. I guess you want an update.. Sorry, lately updating this thing has been more of a chore. Anyway, my job has been okay. My schedule once went:
Monday 9-2
Tuesday 9-6
Wednesday 9-2
Thursday 9-6
Friday 9-2
now.. now it's fucking changed -.- it goes:
Monday 9-4
Tuesday 9-6
Wednesday 9-3
Thursday 9-6
Friday 9-6
At least I still have my weekends off.. but damn, I used to love doing things right around 4-6 on Friday nights. Now I have to cash my check during my lunch break.. and then be dead tired for the rest of my Friday night. Well, sometimes I'm not, but I have to work 3 nine hour shifts a week now >.> That suuuucks. oh fucking well. I think I'm getting tons better at putting the furniture together. I just don't like unloading huge truck orders.. but who does enjoy that?
Lifewise, well, I don't know where to start. A couple of weeks ago, my mother visited and she seemed to be really impressed with the place. I hope so, considering that I cleaned it up big-time, thanks to Beth's help, too. She rocks. Um.. I really wish I knew what to say. Maybe you can post questions and I'll answer. Hmm, I guess I'll just talk about my day today.
Work sucks like usual, but I had slow work to do, and it killed alot of time. I put out a new floor sample. It feels good, but it's uglyyyy.. old grandma flowery-pattern type.. but it's sooo soft and cushy ^^ It's kinda a beige color with pink/red roses plastered over it. I put out the sofa, loveseat, chair & ottoman with it, and I put together the two end table, cocktail table, and sofa table that went along with it. Damn, those were some of the most annoying tables I ever built. They were just slow to put together.. I don't want to get into it. Plus, they were glass tops, and I really hate glass tops. Tomorrow looks pretty okay. The main manager-who-likes-to-always-keep-me-busy Ed is off, and Terry is sick with the flu so he'll just sulk in the office.. hopefully I can put away the truck and that's it. ^_^
It rained hard today. It was really beautiful.. well, except for the part when I got wet. There's a Wal Mart next to the Roomstore, so I talked there in the rain to go eat at the McDonald's inside the store. I got somewhat wet, no problem. The food was good, as always. I peeled off two of the Monopoly stickers off my fries, and one of them was a free medium drink! However, I went to throw away all of my trash, and I threw the stickers away on impulse. If I had a look on my face, it would be "Aww.. ;_;" Oh well. I can try and win again XP Anyway, I played some of Super Mario 3 for the GBA (I soooo want a GBASP), and I noticed Die Hard on VHS for sale for 6 bucks.. so I bought it, along with a Pepsi for Beth, since I was thinking of her while I bought the movie. Die Hard kicks ass like that.
Anyway, Beth had a pretty bad day today. No one was helping, and I am glad to have lifted her spirits a little tonight. She squealed when she got the Pepsi.. then squealed louder when she saw Die Hard XD And I heard about her day.. Yikes. I don't think I would've been able to take it. Anyway, bad day for her.. Beth has my support always, tho. I'm always here for you, my homie.
Here's a funny incident, but I need to give you a little background info. I have a habit of not looking through the peep-hole when someone knocks at the door, and Beth is really worried, that maybe I might be the victim of a serial killer or a robbery. She keeps telling me "be sure to check the door!" etc etc. Anyway, we were watching Die Hard, and at the scene where the reporter goes to McLain's home to get the word from their daughter, and Beth blurts out:
"See, that's why you shouldn't open doors freely!"
And of course, the reporter said "Let us in or I'll report you to the INS.." or something like that, since the maid was Spanish. I said,
"You bitch! You just told me not to answer the door or else I may be deported!" XP That led to a fit of laughter.
Um, I wish I had something better to add. I'm gonna watch Sightings now.. bye.
current mood:  content
current music: Creed - Wrong Way
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| Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
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11:36 pm - Everyone says that I'm not the same..
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I couldn't sleep last night
My ears were ringing in my head
Best friends with the boogie man
I may be better off here dead
Running on empty once again
Too tired for tears I dread
Sink deep into those magic dreams
While I blast off in my bed
And you know I played it all in here
Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
And I threw my whole night down the drain
You know cause everyone says that i'm not the same
Since I changed my name
Three hours later and i'm staring at the ceiling still
Xanax does nothing more but calm the sleeping thrill
Turning the pillows round and round to find the cold spot for my head
Ah, bless my only friend
And you know I played it all in here
Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
And I threw my whole night down the drain
You know cause everyone says that i'm not the same
And everyone turns tricks for fickle fame
I feel my body's lost control
My knees get weak as I drift away
And it gets darker, darker
Dreaming's where I am
And you know I played it all in here
Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
And I threw my whole night down the drain
And you know I played it all in here
Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
And I threw my whole night down the drain
You know cause everyone says that i'm not the same
Since I changed my name
That was "I Changed My Name" by Sugarcult. I highly recommend finding any means necessary of listening to this song..
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| Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
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7:24 pm - I don't know..
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I'm not sure where I want to start about today. Work was alright, not as bad as I thought. I was kept busy for awhile, I guess. Beth and I would randomly talk.. then.. I don't know why, but I got home and cried. Don't fucking laugh at me. I hate you. Anyway, I'm not sure why I did, but on the way home I got a bad feeling, which just grew and grew until I got home and went into my room to change. Originally, I was going to buy some things after work at Wal*Mart, which is right next to work, but it was getting late and Beth looked really tired.. and, well, after that whole crying shit, I managed to get out of my room to eat some food.. Instead of going to Wal*Mart, I planned on walking to Hastings/Target, but after eating and feeling stupid, it got dark outside. I really don't want to talk in the dark, and I really don't want to bother my roommates, so I guess I'll just wait this out.
But.. I dunno, I really need to go out. I'm just sitting here, feeling more horrible and horrible, and I'm not sure why! Beth thought it was because my boss was hard on me today, but he really wasn't. It's just one of those days, I guess. I kinda wanted someone to hold me, so in my room I held this stupid penguin plush doll. No one can be the comfort that I want them to be right now, so I'm like a small container of boiling water, burning anyone who tries to come near me. I'm really frustrated. I wish I knew what was going on.. I guess I'll just walk it out. I need to take my mind off things. Maybe I'll visit the arcade, too.. or maybe I'll buy myself some anime at Hastings.. I need to do something for myself..
Beth, if you're reading this, don't worry, I'll be fine. I always am.
current mood:  confused
current music: Jewel - Standing Still [in my head..]
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| Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
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7:59 am
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I fucking hate everyone, and I have plenty of people in my mind that I can think of, specifically. All the people that I've poured myself into and have recieved nothing that I have wanted. I'm really angry. I hate it.. and I have all of you. I've done so fuckin much, and what do I have for myself? Not a goddamn thing.
Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for my roommates and apartment. I'm not that much of an asshole.
Don't worry, readers. I may hate you right now, but it's just cause of my borderline-ness. I'll praise you later today. Of course, being the me that I am, I'm gonna bottle this up and not say anything. This is all you're getting out of me.
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| Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
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7:37 am - Question thingy.
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Sorry if I don't update this thing, but what is there for me to update? =/
Stats::
Name- Alex
Birthday- July 12 1983
Hair Color- Black
Eye Color- Brown
Height- 5'4
Shoe Size- I duno..
::Right Now::
What time is it?- 7:39am
What are you wearing?- gray night shirt and pajama pants
What are you thinking about?- Not wanting to go to work.
What are you eating?- Nothing
What are you drinking?- Nothing
What are you doing?- This thing?
What are you looking at?- The computer screen -.-
::Work::
What is you job title?- Warehouse
What company/ corporation do you work for?- The Roomstore
Who is your favorite co-worker?- Beth
Favorite thing to do at work?- walk around.. XD
Do you have a desk?- No..
Do you have your own office or cubicle?- No one does, except the boss
Do you have a direct line or an extension?- Nope
Do you like your boss?- Not really..eh.. no.
How long have you held your current job?- since September, I say?
What job would you rather have?- Something with less lifting.
::Favorites::
Color- Blue
Number- 2
Band/Group- For now, Sugarcult
Singer- Gackt
Cd (album)- Meteora by Linkin Park
Game- I dunno.
Drank- I don't drink.
Soda- Coke
Food- Tons.. uhm.. I'm looking forward to Olive Garden. Yeah.
Sin (to commit)- Ah, well, eheh.. I need some.. so, lust?
Brand- of what? Clothes? Old Navy?
Hair dye- I don't dye my hair.
Shampoo- Suave.. I'm cheap.
Ice Cream- Buttered Pecan!
Movie(s)- Too many, also, but Pulp Fiction is goooood.
Song- Lately, it's been random stuff by Sugarcult, like You're the One.
Dessert- Ah.. ice cream?
Candy- Payday
Kind of Chips- Lots, um... doritos..
Fast food joint- Wendy's
Restaurant- Olive Garden
Store- Alot.. sheesh. Hm, probably entertainment stores like Sam Goody or Hastings
::Free Time::
My free time is spent ____- Work or stay at home..
How is your city's music scene?- I dunno..
Best local band- I don't know.
Best live venue- I don't know.
Best Festival- I don't know.
Hobbies- Alot of things, like computers..
Best Museum- I don't know..
Best Diner/ 24 hr Breakfast Place?- Ihop
How often are you online?- Alot, mainly during the night
For how long?- However long I feel like it
Watch much TV?- Sometimes, not as much as I should.
What channels?- Lots.
Which shows?- Love alot of Food Network stuff, Reno911, tons..
::I...::
Love- attention
Hate- alot of people
Want- to be happy
Think- I'm a good person
Thank- My roommates
Wish- I had more money
Hope- that tomorrow'll be okay
Idolize- Certain people
Lust after- Certain peoples
Admire- Beth
Strive for- I dunno..
Want to see- Canada
Want to go to- Canada?
::Either Or...::
Ol South or IHOP- IHOP
Taco Bell or Taco Bueno- Taco Bueno
Starbucks or Coffee Haus- Starbucks
Wendy's or McDonald's- Wendy's
Subway or Quiznos- Subway
El Chico or El Fenix- El Fenix!
Oj, Apple, Grape or Cranberry Juice- OJ
Club or Arena/Stadium- Arena
Inside or Outside- Inside
Rain or Shine- Rain
Cd or Radio- CD
Doughnuts or Doughnut Holes- doughnuts
Chocolate or White Milk- chocolate
Bass or Guitar- Guitar
Go to a movie or Rent a movie- Go to a movie.. and, yeah, avoid stupid teens who think they're cool by hanging around the theater.
Sampler or DJ- DJ
Order in or Go out- Go out
Paper or Plastic- Plastic
Big or Small- What? me?
Thick or Thin?- You'll never catch me, coppers.
Great or Good- Good.
::More About You::
AIM Name- ameliakun
Yahoo- amelia_kun
MSN- amelia_kun@hotmail.com
ICQ- Rarely use it.
Email- amelia_kun@hotmail.com
LJ/Blurty Name- akun
Meaning behind your LJ/Blurty name- My name is Alex, and -kun is just a Japanese shorthand term for male respect, I think, so A-kun it is. It works well, and Beth gave it to me. Listen now, A-kooooon. That's how it's pronounces.
Nickname(s)- A-kun, Nagi
What kind of car do you drive- -.-
Year model- -.-
Color - >.>
How many doors are on it?- <.<
Do you dye your hair or have you?- No. I don't want to bleach it.
If so what color?- n/a
Do you wear glasses/ contacts/ eye patch/ or have a glass eye?- No, but I should.
Do you wear a retainer/ braces/ headgear/ have false or wooden teeth?-No.
Do you own anything corduroy- Nope..
Do you have a b/f, g/f, husband, wife, life partner or blow up doll?- Nope..
Do you have any kids?- No, not right now.
Do you want kids?- Later in life, yeah.
How many?- 2
Names?- I dunno.
What time is it now?- 7:57am.
Can you hear me now?- Good!
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| Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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7:38 am - Quizzes..
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<<>>???What Kind Of Angel R You???<<>>( Anime Pics )
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Nathaniel, the beautiful young wereleopard with an ugly past. You've been messed with majorly, and so have a horrible dependence problem; you are unable to take care of yourself, and you need someone to belong to. You are eager to please. Very, very eager.
Which Anita Blake Character Are You?
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you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.
which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You represent... loneliness.
Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
My inner child is sixteen years old!
Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
Nihilist Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
There ya go. Hmm, I suddenly have "You're the One" by Sugarcult stuck in my head right now..
current mood:  cranky
current music: Sugarcult - You're the One [in my head..]
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| Tuesday, October 7th, 2003
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9:27 pm - Here's your update!
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Hmm.. let me think of how life has been recently. Well, I got my phone, which is fanfuckintastic! I really love my phone, and the ringtones, the looks and such. Once again, to those who want my number, email me and I'll be glad to add you to my Speed Dial list! Saturday, Beth and I went to Grapvine Mills mall, and we had a fuckin blast! There's no other astounding word to put on it. We got up early (wow, that's a feat!), ate breakfast at IHOP (Brilliance, brilliance I tell ya!), hit the mall and browsed around in random stores, like GAP and such.
Something weird went on at the mall. You know those little booths in the middle of the walkways at malls, usually small-name companies, or cell phone booths by T-mobile or something? Beth and I got assaulted! Each! like, when we arrived, I was looking through my contacts and trying to find my work number, when a guy stopped me and said "Woah! Lemme see your phone.. where did you get it? Sam Goody's? Does it have a COLOR screen, like mine? I can get it for you for free.. I'm sure since you bought it yesterday, you can take it back!" etc.. fucking T-Mobile sales employee. I bought the phone Friday! Am I gonna take it back the next day? Nooooooooo. And after walking out of GAP, this woman >grabbed< Beth's arm, and insisted she try a sample of the moisturizer (sp?).. all Beth could do was pout away. Eventually, the woman let her go, after rubbing her arm with this weird cream.. *shrugs* It was crazy. We both said something like... we'll both pretend to be in a fight while walking the walkways, so nobody'll mess with the fighting friends. XD Hahaha.. I wish we had the chance to use it, but we didn't.
Alot of our mall time was spent at Sanrio! Yes, Sanrio. Do you know what Sanrio is? Yknow, Hello Kitty, Bad Batz Maru, Keroppi, etc etc etc! It's a LOVELY store to indulge in! There's sanrio everything *_* I bought a Hello Kitty ice tray :3 Beth bought some lovely stationary. If you ask her, she'll probably send you a letter. She can't wait to use it :3 I'd say we spend a good half hour to 45 minutes there, just randomly picking up >everything< and giggling like schoolgirls. It was sooooo fun! Maybe next time I'm there, I'll buy a Hello Kitty chip-and-dip bowl <3 Btw, Beth, this is what you wanted to see? That's right, Bad Batz Maru condoms! http://www.emit.com/jurgen/japan/images/badBadtzMaruCondoms.jpg Add that and a Hello Kitty 'massager', and you're in for a lovely time?... Is that the message Sanrio is trying to get across?
After that, we split temporarily so I could play at the arcade.. and so Beth could freely browse the bookstore. Well,my experience at the Gameworks was.. meh. The DDR Extreme there was in such bad shape! The screen has a green-ish tint, and the pads needed some MAJOR tuning. I kept missing steps that I >KNOW< I stepped! UGH! It made the machine really unplayable. :( At least there was Super Monkey Ball.. whee! It's hard >< I called Beth so she could help me spend my last few bucks, so we tried House of the Dead 2.. XD eh, we can agree on anything. Shooting stuff = fun time.
Jeez, that whole day was great. To end it all, we had a lovely time rocking to Sugarcult.. and I bought Beth the Third Eye Blind CD, since on our way home, she mentioned she wanted it and would ask for it for Christmas.. and I thought that Christmas was a long time to wait for a CD.. I'm so sweet, aren't I?
What else.. Hmm.. Been my usual self. I wish I had better news. I'm not getting really lonely.. just extremely bitter? I don't know, but I don't like it.. I'll just play DDR or something, take my mind off it. Hmph.. Today was a kinda bad day. I didn't like the part where we opened 30 someodd boxes of lamps and such.. and the trash was piled up. >< Uggh. And.. and.. I don't even want to continue this post about today. At least after work Beth fed me pizza and coke, and spent some time with me as she browsed for faceplaces for her phone. That really made my day *squees* So Beth, if you're readint this.. thanks for today and Saturday.
On random news, I'm really glad that I reserved my copy of Scarface.. the ultimate edition or something, because the people at Sam Goody's said that all of their copies sold out, and I still had one on reserve. Yay! Tomorrow'll be okay.. I hope..
current mood: content
current music: Raphael - Peter Pan Shoukougun
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2003
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10:13 pm - w000t...
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Hahaha, I got it! Yay! Finally! Money! woohoo! Lots of it! Eh, it was payday and I was excited. I played 3 bucks of DDR.. did well on Sakura heavy! and then I bought my phone! WOOHOO! Yeah! I finally have a phone! God, I sound like a dork... >.> but yeah, I bought one because I reaaaaaalllly love this phone. It's a virginmobile Audiovox.. cooooool..
I was impressed with it.. totally! The size, look, everything. I've yet to make a call on it, tho.. I downloaded a Ringtone!! Warning by Incubus! I LOVE that song! and it's now my ringtone! Woohoo! so, if any of you people want my number, feel free to ask and I'll email it to you. Send me a text message, preferably. I sooo want to try a text message.
Sooo.. other than that, my day is okay.. it'll be alot better tomorrow!
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| Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
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9:27 pm - Object of my boredom at work..
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I got bored at work, and noticed the radio for once.. and wrote down one line out of as many songs as I could hear, and tried to find all the artists and stuff that go along with them! All of these lovely artists play on our radio!
1. Dana Glover - Thinking Over
2. The Spinners - Could It Be I'm Falling in Love?
3. Roy Orbison - You Got It
4. Enrique Inglesias - Hero
5. Alan Parsons Project - Don't Answer Me
6. Bonnie Raitt - Fearless Love
7. Stevie Wonder - Yester-Me, Yester-You, Yesterday
8. Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Loving Feeling
9. Elton John - Daniel
10. Steve Miller - Swingtown
11. Lenny Kravitz - It Ain't Over 'til It's Over
12. Don Henley - Taking You Home
13. Lionel Richie - All Night Long
14. Hootie and the Blowfish - I Only Wanna Be With You
15. Diana Ross - Reflections
16. Phil Collins - True Colors
17. Hall and Oates - You Make My Dreams Come True
18. Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not the One
19. Aretha Franklin - You Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman)
20. Jimmy Buffett - Mexico
21. Olivia Newton John - Magic
22. Sixpence None the Richer - There She Goes
23. Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - Make a Little Magic
24. Steps - Better Best Forgotten
25. Faith Hill - One
26. Al Green - Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone
27. Queensryche - Sacred Ground
28. Seal - Don't Cry
29. Dobie Gray - Drift Away
30. Backstreet Boys - I Want It That Way
31. Donovan - Sunshine Superman
32. Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
33. Sugar Ray - Someday
34. k.d.lang - Constant Craving
35. Nelly Furtado - I'm Like a Bird
36. John Mayer - No Such Thing
37. Bangles - Eternal Flame
38. Backstreet Boys - More Than That
39. The Temptations (?) - I Heard It Through the Grapevine
40. Macy Gray - I Try
... there ya go. Lovely samples of our music. Hmm.. what to say.. blah. Feel like shit. Who doesn't?
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| Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
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7:56 pm - Sorry to steal..
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Eh, I could use some amusement, too.
A-kun is ____.
When I think of A-kun, I think of ____ .
When A-kun _____ it's hot!
I want A-kun to ____ me.
A-kun wants ____.
A-kun needs ____.
If I could describe A-kun in a few words:_________
_____ is how I describe meeting A-kun.
A-kun can ____ my _____.
If I were alone in a room with A-kun, I would __________.
Without A-kun, my life would be ____.
I hope A-kun never _____.
I love A-kun because ________.
The worst thing about A-kun is ________.
The best thing about A-kun is ________.
I am _____ with A-kun.
Amuse me too! Amuse me tooooooo...
current mood:  amused
current music: I My Me! Strawberry Eggs - White Station (Ending)
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| Sunday, September 28th, 2003
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3:46 pm - Just a small rant.
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I have alot on my mind.. and I can't release any bit of it upon anybody but myself. The problem is with one of my friends online, and I don't want her to know what I really think of this problem I'm having. It's too embarassing to talk about in front of real people.. and this is driving me nuts, and sad. I just look around and keep wishing and wishing for things that I can't have, and I wonder how long I'll be until I actually do something about it.
I'm afraid of judgement..
Gah, I fucking hate that I never have anybody. I really hate that just because I get close to someone, it's all "out of lonliness." At my state, any attempt to get close to someone just appears that way. It hurts, having people think anything I do is out of lonliness, when what I say is honest and heartfelt. My list on people I like-and-have-a-chance-with is, like, zero now. I wish I could list the people, but for their sake, I won't. I mean, eeeeww.. what kind of girl would be unlucky to have me like her? I always wondered that. Whenever I tell someone I like them, if they're like "Ugh, you of all people." or "Oh.. that's cute, kid." or something like that. That explains why I've never really asked anybody in real life, much less online.. Most of the people I did ask turned me down, too. Oh well, I'm the much better friend with everybody. I'm the best friend that somebody can rely on.. nothing but that. I know that's not much to complain about, but why does it drive me crazy so much?
I guess at my rate I'll take anybody, no matter how destructive the relationship may be to me. Beth was telling me recently about how sad and upset I look all the time, even saying that I really should be in a relationship, because I'm really truly happy in one. Am I really? Am I that obvious? Jesus, I feel pathetic about that. It's not like I need a girlfriend to feel complete! At least I don't think so.. I just wish something would happen with at least one girl that I like. I honestly don't think I'm that bad of a person.. but I'm not really good enough for anybody right now. I'm not in any state to be with somebody. I've got too much emotional baggage. It'd be like dead weight.. holding me back. Fuck.. fuck... I wish someone felt that way about me. I just live day by day and wonder how long it'll mean something to me, then go back to just sitting in front of this stupid screen waiting for compliments by people who've never met me.
I dare you to say something.. gah.
current mood: cranky
current music: Creed - Faceless Man
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| Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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11:43 pm - Random filler.
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FIVE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
001. | Being rejected
002. | Getting myself killed
003. | People's opinions
004. | Small bugs that can kill me
005. | Confrontations
FIVE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
001. | Beth
002. | Mandi
003. | Eddie Izzard
004. | George Carlin
005. | Sam Kinison
FIVE THINGS I LOVE:
001. | Venting feelings
002. | Monthtly trips to Olive Garden w/ Beth
003. | When I have one.. my girlfriend. :P
004. | Talking with crushes
005. | Having them flirt back.. XD
FIVE THINGS I HATE:
001. | Having my feelings toyed around with
002. | Being used
003. | Being led on. Don't waste my time..
004. | Liking somebody that I -know- doesn't like me in that way.
005. | Arrogant people
FIVE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
001. | People
002. | Goth people (not the real ones, but the ones who are insta-goth by dressing up)
003. | Punks
004. | Myself..
005. | What people think of me.. or why I'm liked.
FIVE THINGS ON MY DESK:
001. | Computer
002. | Printer
003. | Scanner
004. | CDs.. mainly music!
005. | a pen :/
FIVE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
001. | Talking to Jessica [online friend one]
002. | Filling this out
003. | Listening to music [Rammstein! Alter Mann..]
004. | Wishing for something I can't have
005. | Tempted by the fruit of another..tempted but the truth is discovered.. *ends singing*
FIVE THINGS I CAN DO:
001. | Clean well
002. | Cook somewhat
003. | Understand things
004. | Listen to music
005. | Type and spell pretty well! Argh. It's kinda uncommon.
FIVE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
001. | Somewhat borderline? I dunno.
002. | Compassionate
003. | Understanding.. or try to be?
004. | Silently angry
005. | Skeptical and nervous.. always.
FIVE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY LOOKS:
001. | Lots of hair
002. | Tan skinned
003. | Scruffy >.>
004. | Gloomy..
005. | Needs work?
FIVE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
001. | Sing
002. | Take criticism well
003. | Control my feelings well
004. | Be with someone and not feel guilty
005. | Recieve gifts without feeling guilty
FIVE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
001. | "I'm sorry!"
002. | "Damnit!"
003. | "Goodness.."
004. | "Are you okay?"
005. | "Not so bad.." [after doing a song on DDR]..
FIVE OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
001. | Anything with cheese
002. | Pepsi/Coke!
003. | A good burger. ^_^
004. | Bagels w/cream cheese
005. | Pastas?
FIVE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
001. | My own self, sometimes.
002. | How to find someone
003. | In the right places, too!
004. | Some stuff I can't say here
005. | People's feelings about me
FIVE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
001. | Pepsi
002. | Coke
003. | Water
004. | Orange Juice
005. | Milk.. with cereal..
FIVE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
001. | G.I. Joe
002. | Random gameshows.. like Press Your Luck!
003. | Punky Brewster
004. | Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
005. | Captain N and the Game Masters XD
You are Secret Garden!
You are lovey dovey, romantic Gackt. Try cheering
up a bit though, ok?
Which Gackt song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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6:54 pm - Had a bad day again.. [Mattress day?!]
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Yeah, thinking of the Fuel song. Actually, the beginning of my day was alright. Y'know, before I woke up. Then it all went to hell. I worked 9-6 today, as it is Tuesday today.. and, wel, I did have alot to do today. A semi-big load out in my warehouse, alot of organizing, and I had to wrap, in plastic, about 3 Queen Size mattress sets... and 2 queen size mattress boxes. O.o;; Ugh.. and I didn't do them well, so,.. in a fit.. my Manager helped me finish wrapping them. How lovely. I felt realllly great. And some fucking customer walked by and said "Shouldn't you have someone younger doing that shit?".. since my manager is about 50+. Goddamnit.. oh well. I shut him up by giving him the recliner chair that he needed, and he was pretty nice to me..
Then break came.. finally, at around 2pm. I walked next door to the Wal-Mart, went to the McDonald's in there.. [I love their food.. ^_^] and bought a Double Quarter Pounder meal.. it was so good looking.. then I brought it back to the store, took a big bite, and found out the burger was raw. Alright, let's get this image straight. I'm not talking about like a small pink area in the middle of the bite-mark, but this burger was fucking pink, raw, bloody, etc. I just screamed in my mind "DAMNIT! >_<".. and after I mentally thought that, a truck came, and I had to load 6 Queen Size mattresses and 6 boxes that went along with them.. >< I'm sure you know, but queen size mattresses are pretty big. Yeah, loads of fun. At least my manager let me walk back to McDonald's and return my food.. the guy was upset with himself, and gladly cooked me another one, and apologized. I told him I wasn't angry, either.. just hungry ^^; the manager gave me two free pies for the inconvenience too! Too bad I wasn't hungry enough to eat it all, so I gave a co-worker the apple pies..
Then, know I said I unloaded 6 queen mattresses/boxes? I had to move them from one end of the warehouse to the opposite, where all the mattresses and bed frames were, and put the new ones where the old ones were once were (the ones I wrapped, as states earlier..).. well, 3 of them were empty. the other two, well, had to remove the mattresses there, put the new ones there, take the old ones, put them with other ones.. agh! Sound confusing? It is. But it was alot more tiring than confusing.. I'm very sore right now.
I have my days and such, but today I've been really lonely. I wish I had some free attention to get from someone. To have someone just walk up to me and give me a hug. That'd be fucking great. but nooooo. that's alright. I'll just wait..
I've been playing lots of DDR Extreme for the weekend. I'm getting TONS better. I'm so close to full comboing So Deep heavy.. was only like 3-6 steps away from it.. I passed Across the Nightmare, V, A, and Sync, all Oni difficulty. I can hit a very good B on all of them! Well, 'cept for A, which I can usually get a C.. damn, it's rough. I passed Stoic with a B, even FC'ing the ending run with all the jumps! W00t! Close to FCing Frozen Ray heavy.. fun fun fun! AND I WAS ONE FREEZE ARROW AWAY FROM AA'ing TWINBEE! o.o I had like 40 somethin greats! BUT NOOOO! I had to miss one of the freeze steps! Oh well.. my new favorite songs are Across the Nightmare oni, Genom Screams and Frozen Ray heavy.. oh oh oh, and Burning Heat heavy. I can constantly pass that, now.. with 1.5x solo on.. XD oh well.
Oh yeah, I passed Cartoon Heroes! and am close to an FC on Sakura heavy, too! *_* Damn, I've made alot of progress. I can also pass & score well on Legend of Max standard.. XD w00t.. I need a life.
Oh, what else did I do.. I put down on layaway my phone! At Sam Goody's.. XD the Virginmobile Audiovox, or something like that. It's reallllly cool looking,.. to me anyway *_* Woohoo! I shall get it out.. as soon as I can afford it. XD and I also reserved a copy of Scarface on DVD.. that cool neato gift-set one. I realllly want to see Scarface, and the original one.. it comes with the gift set :D I can't wait for it.
Other than that, I have nothing left to say.. any comments?
current mood:  crappy
current music: Rammstein - Alter Mann
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| Thursday, September 18th, 2003
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1:14 am - felt like some quizzes..
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Which deadly sin do you represent? (Angel Sanctuary Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
Aphrodite/Eros
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
How odd that I'm a jealous Aphrodite. :/
"When Doves Cry" (by Prince)
How could you just leave me standing,
Alone in a world so cold?
Maybe you're just too demanding.
Maybe I'm just like my father--too bold.
Maybe you're just like my mother.
She's never satisfied.
Why do we scream at each other?
This is what it sounds like,
When doves cry.
Which 80's Song Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Solitude Your lyrics
How many times have you told me you love her?
As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth.
How long have I stood here beside you?
I lived through you, you looked through me.
Ooo, Solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooo, Solitude
I can't stay away from you
How many times have I done this to myself?
How long will it take before I see?
When will this hole in my heart be mended?
Who now is left alone but me?
Ooo, Solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooo, Solitude
Only you, Only true
Everyone leaves me stranded,
forgotten, abandoned
left behind.
I can't stay her another night
Your secret admirer, who could it be?
Can't you you see all along it was me?
How can you be so blind as to see right through me?
Solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooo, solitude
I can't stay away from you
Solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooo, Solitude
Only you, Only true
What Evanescence song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly
everything and is constantly wondering about
what could have been.You're not happy with your
situation and usually blame yourself because of
the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
avoidant
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Miroku! all that matters in life is who is
going to be your next boyfriend/girlfriend and
where to take him/her next. Not to worry
though, because you are bright and you do your
school work. And hey, you even have a fan club!
What Inuyasha Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Um, nothing happening.. something is bothering me to know end, and.. well.. actually, it's someone, but I can't say.. for the sake of ruining our friendship or something. I'll just let it drive me crazy.
current mood: cranky
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| Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
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7:43 am - tired..
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Um, yesterday I finished downloading a movie called Battle Royale.. It was gory, but very good. I really don't feel like posting what the movie is about, but it's basically a kill or be killed survival game among students. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0266308/
"Could you kill your best friend to survive?" is the tagline..
I'm not in the best mood right now, and I guess I haven't been for the longest time. I hate it.. And anytime I complain, it always feels second-rate to the problems that other people are having, making me feel insignificant. Blah, all I can say is that I can't wait for my next experience with a girl to get burned again. I'm too used to it, it's all I really know for now. Perhaps someone nice will come along my way? I hope so.. I always seem to attract the bad girls and such since they're drawn to my unusual niceness.. but in the end, it's always their needs, not mine.
At least it's something. and I'm giving up. Argh.. I said it. I don't think I can get through. Maybe it can't. Maybe it won't. I still have hope. but I don't know if I am sure as I think I am. But it's nice to dream, to have a small shred of hope. Hmph. All this time I've waited..
And I guess that's it.
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| Sunday, September 14th, 2003
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1:47 am - *sighs*
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Okay, I had a pretty bad day today. I woke up late, around 11:45ish or later cause I was online alot.. woke up, played around with Final Fantasy Tactics for a little (Whee!!! :D)... then I cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes, like I always do.. then, bam! I get called into work. Quinten called in, and I had to cover his 3pm-9pm. >_< Jessica got a call on her cell from Beth, and Jess told me.. then Jess went to her work early.. an hour and a half early, I think, so I had to walk to work >_< Yaayy.. it was a pretty decent walk, and I had to walk in this muddy trail, so I ruined my favorite pair of shoes.. well.. my only pair other than my tred safe ones.. and my jeans.. I have to wash them soon :( why didn't I ask Jessica for a ride before she left?
and work was hard, too.. wrapping alot of lamps, spraying Teflon on sofas, loveseats and ottomans.. >_< then wrapping them up.. then doing load outs.. ugh. It's really physically demanding. and was tired when the work ended and such.. at least I'll be getting a good paycheck with another day added. ^^ whee.
had an interesting talk with Beth and my anger issues. I can't get angry at someone, really.. anytime I do, I feel insanily guilty for feeling angry, and I never do anything about it. I just keep taking anger and taking it and taking it and such, and I never release it upon anybody except myself..explains why my real life journal has some rather lengthy posts.. and why I have been having a need to be self destructive recently.. I don't know if I can overcome this little fear and can actually feel okay enough to let go of my anger.. *sighs* Beth says I may be borderline. God, I need a therapist.. -.-;
also.. I've been keeping this pent up for awhile.. I don't know if s/he'll notice.. orread this.. but I have this person I like.. maybe I asked personout too soon at first, and didn't understand, but now I understand.. and am closer.. alot closer than before, but yeah.. this person.. I still like him/her now.. alot. Maybe s/he doesn't even notice.. I wish s/he did. We're going through some turmoil, and I think that we would be okay enough for each other.. it's not like we'd be bad for each other or something.. when I talk to this person.. and when we agree on so much stuff and so much of our problems.. I wonder if s/he thinks the same thing I do.. you know, something like "Hm... maybe we should give ourselves a try.." *smiles* Yeah, I'd like that. I've probably already given this person away.. I just had to say it again.
that's all I've got for now.. sorry..
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Janne Da Arc - Akai Tsuki
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| Friday, September 12th, 2003
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1:04 am - Good song!
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Diego gave me a link for this awesome Janne Da Arc. It's really really good.
Gah, I'm so fucking sick of all these people on my contact list telling me how fucking great their relationships are. Fuck. It all makes me so jealous. -.- Gah, just a rant. I feel about a 2.5-3.0 right now.
current music: Janne Da Arc - Ueda Taiyou
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| Monday, September 1st, 2003
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10:55 pm - I dunno..
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First off, I had to work Labor Day.. major suckage. Luckily, it was raining and wasn't that busy for me. I walked around alot, adjusted and changed some lights, cleaned up.. only stocked one order, which was a futon mattress/frame.. very easy ^^ kinda long tho.. even if it was only 9-2.. Argh, tomorrow I work 9-6.. I know I get an hour lunch break, tho, but damn. -_- Ed, the manager.. was cool, tho. He helped me with a couple of moving things.. and he cooked steaks! Gooooood steaks! He fed the employees steaks, bread, beans, salad.. oh yeah. It was great to end the shift eating that after a long day. <3
Stayed until 5 so I could ride home with Beth.. we ordered pizza and just went on the computers. Productive. I wish I had a car.. I'd so be gone and doing stuff.. but, yeah, oh well. who cares about me? Yeah. :)
I dunno. I hate feeling so lonely. Beth is noticing it, too. She tells me every now and then why I look so sad.. and I just say I'm not, but I know she can tell I'm lying.. I dunno. I hate this. I really do. I feel like some stupid lonely 'male' that wants attention and other shit like that. I hate wanting to feel needed. I hate wanting to feel important.
That's it. You can go away now.
current mood: aggravated
current music: Malice Mizer - Je Te Veux
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| Saturday, August 30th, 2003
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8:14 pm - Woohoo, fun day!
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Alrighty, Beth and I went to the Grapevine Mills mall today.. what a great day! that's all I can keep saying about it. After a cool drive, we went in, and window-browsed and other stuff like that. Beth and I have the same shoppnig pace, so it's very easy to get along with her. She treated me to a Cinnabon! Cinnabons are gooood, but a little too sweet *_* and we wandered, basically like kids. XD Browsing everything.. looking at Halloween stuff for our Halloween party.. I thought of maybe going as Snape! I could make my hair greasy/stringy, and Beth can make me pale.. I saw this really cool Cloak-type outfit at this Halloween store.. and a Harry Potter wand.. I'll have to get used to acting like Snape, but I think I wouldn't be so bad! I'm not exactly the sexiness of Alan Rickman, but who is? Ah well..
hold on.. XD *watching Tokyo Breakfast* hehehe XD that's great. I'll post a link for download later. =D We went inside the Virgin mobile store and I want that small fliptop phone they have.. *cries and sobs* I want ittt. *acts like a child* Hopefully I'll buy it in a paycheck or two :) after more browsing and Beth buying this reallllly cool photo of James Dean in rain, we saw Freaky Friday! Um, I mean, we saw Jeepers Creepers 2. It was *great!* XD
Then we went outside and couldn't find the car. *_* We searched endlessly.. and it started raining hard, too! We finally (well, I did XD) found the car.. and were drench.. then we went home and crashed. I wish I could be more descriptive, but I'm tired..
All in all, one of the funnest days I've had with Beth, like.. ever.
current mood:  tired
current music: Malice Mizer - Beast of Blood (Instrumental)
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