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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
AkiraJ's Blurty:
| Saturday, December 20th, 2003 | |
| 2:25 am | ha ha hit a gatekeeper here to test me on the road. PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE!!! I went into the kitchen and so sossossosos SO wanted to just break my fast!! WHY!!! I didnt i came back here -- god im gonna have to get better at this -- I resisted. I made peppermint tea - i filled up 1.5Litre water bottle -- im gonna load myself stupid with water and distraction. FUCK! OK... Plan. One more day. I commit to one more day. One more day,. Absolutely no option to even RECONSIDER breaking my fast till monday. Monday. Then you'll be back at work monday tuesday. Wednesday you are off work, and Thursday is xmas. You can fucking do this J, dont be a fucking wimp. People have gone through worse. Think of this freaking gatekeeper trying to test you and sleigh his fat metaphorical ass. Water. water. water. defeat. have stregnth. Dont go into a stupid eat i dont know what im doing i forgot psychosis,. Your record is a week. A week. At least feel fucking dizzy. you know how much you love that feeling. |
| 2:02 am | day two of just liquids and icecream, soup etc. I feel awesome. I love not having had ingested anything real. Waterweight watever - I feel good AND i kept my promise to myself yesterday and did it!! So good - feeling really strong and positive -- the longer i go - ... well hopefully the harder it will be to put that first real thing in my mouth. I think i will have a banana and caramel smoothie home made for dinner. And thats it. Tomoz, day three. Saw my enemy at work. God fuck her so much. Local girl now, arent you bitch? She has gained back -- it makes me so happy - at least at my most bitchy and shallow i can feel superior over someone who hurt me that much. Ohhh... you think you hurt.... guess it never occured to you to think about how it feels to the PRIMARY victim you coward. |
| Thursday, December 18th, 2003 | |
| 2:05 am | filled with envy i am not the glowing luminous nicole kidman who seems to radiate gold light. Absolute stunner. I hate my hair even more. O well have resolved to collect some decent pic over the next month and take myself to a celebrity stylist haridresser top not fabo person to cut my hair for obscene fee. Last nit xmas party lots of fun - got v drunk and had an absolute PASH with the cutest looking boy in the office, then survived today at work, dignity and working relationship intact. YES! Funny thing was when i woke up (4.5hrs sleep) could feel my hipbones alot more promiently. Must eat bog portion tonight, Maybe zucch and a cup of soup -- ohh ohh i know egg drop soup! try to really fast tomoorrow, as have had much too much. i guess about 1000-1200 cals today. Boo hoo. and yes of course, i never loose - my my xmas present to myself: get nazi on the new body regime. might bu a master cleanser or something serious. |
| Tuesday, December 16th, 2003 | |
| 6:22 pm | Whoo bloody hoo! Conceeded Pass! 45/100! I didnt fail chinese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today -- handful dried fruit and nuts - 200? higcal yet healthy hmmm. bad. 2 yougurts - 160cal icecream - 160cal 5 minites - 100cal 2 cups tea skimmilk - 50 salad and turkey sanwich soo yummy - umm 140+150? =290? rice cake - 22 whats my running total hey? - almost 1000. Wow.. hmm. gotta restrict for dinner. oh well! I PASSED! dissappointment and guilt and shame but WTF. I dont have to pay to do it again to get my freakin major. I might even graduate as planned by the time i die. LOL go go gogogogogo skinny me. Exercise 40mins walking. fatafatfatass but hey. Current Mood:  chipper |
| Saturday, December 13th, 2003 | |
| 1:19 pm | salad, frappe, soup, cola only - for the rest of the day Already: 2 salads and 1 stirfry homemede. 350cals. Frappe - negligible. 9 vitawheets - 180cal, 2.5cheese - 60cal 1 rivita 35cal. tea - 20cal, pepsi max -0. ====== total = 645. I can keep it down. Excellent going. Walk for 1.5 hours again when it cools down. oh yeah fuck. 165soup. === new total. Actually it tastes okay. but its not worth it. Im going to tip it down the sink and have a pepsi instead. Keep it under 700. I could walk to the cemetary.. wonder if it closes.. fuck Im so sad. Miss him alot. Filling out some form.. not that anything helps My dad is a fucking asshole. nothing has happened, of course - nothing new. Except the ongoing absence and not caring and i dont fukcing exist. i may as well be dead too you fuckwit. You hurt me so much. Fuck you to friends. The people who dont care. I always am there when people NEED me -- when i need someone.. who is there. I want to go out and fuck up. Maybe i should go visit m again. Im so bored. Must write academic proposal. hmm. can do that now. I do wish that i could know................................... where when,.. whats the point Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: evenescence - fallen - my last breath |
| Wednesday, December 10th, 2003 | |
| 6:07 pm | hmmm.. ricecakes - 100cal coffee and tea whole milk (no skim, bugger!) - 50cal arnotts biscs - gotta stop that shit! - 300cals icecream -200cal popcorn - 100cal sugarfreelollies - 200 but friend says no sugar=no nutrition absolutely way cant digest.. CRAP - 1000.. take off 200cal - =800cal walk to uni and back -- few more rice thins.. crap fucking calories really add up. so hot bugger i dont want to go exercising again tonight - been out ALL day. Shall aim to exercise first thing. properish fast tomoz with honey grrl. hmm having SUCH a fat day. Think better try calernetics fof thighs. can do this exercise in bedroom.. Pam coming out in 2 weeks.. can i loose?? |
| Sunday, December 7th, 2003 | |
| 1:30 pm | Ive cleaned my room, bar sorting out my clothes, still on my bed and on top of my shelves. Listenningto evanescence now -- feel sad so i need to switch to anygry instead to keep my sadness at bay. I feel the sadness slowly but surely creeping closer to the surface again - snuck up on me just like the fact it's 3 weeks till christmas. Have decided i need to create art again - i havent done that since school - 5 years and running - so much has happened, such a major thing - i need to process it, trace the steps. Also, last chance fasting. Fasting as in no food untill after sunset. I will plan my dinners - i can surely do it. Start tomorrow, end on Saturday night. Honey is doing her last Ramadan 6-day thing, I'm going to mirror her. Its not that hard. I just want a kick start. Emotionally.. I dont know what i want. Do i want to feel? Do i want to not feel? I just want him back - thats all. And it will never happen, because he is dead. I dont want it to be. I dont want this reality, i dont want to have to cope with this, to grow into a stronger, better person, to have to cope - to have to take stock, to have THIS. I need to create - i need to sort, to work it through, to make something solid, to find another way, to use my stregnth, my intuition, my right brain, my... I hate being alone. I feel so confused. I just wish he was back. I would still give everything. But i have no power. It's happened, he is gone, taken, extinguished, tanished with rust, burnt to a cinder and crumbled to dust. His everything has evapoated back into nothing and i will never see him again. He was my past and future and present, my blood. How am i meant to do this? Fast. Fast for you. Green stars. Current Mood:  distressedCurrent Music: evanesence |
| Saturday, December 6th, 2003 | |
| 4:22 pm | yah oah yeh Bridgette jones sucks. Hey all this time i had the impression that because (as a keen celebrity weight watcher) renee zelwigger has stacked on so much, and the contrast to when she is (well she MUST be )ana, that she is like 70kg now. Ive been reading the books, but since i work in KG and not lb and stones, i never realised accoding to the book what she weighed. Good books, by the waym, but now ive got an imaginary charcter making me feel like a total heffer because at least on film compared to bridgette jone, i feel thinner. But 9st5 is pretty much what i weght -- 9st =126lb? Thats less than me, WTF is Bridgette Jone doing anyways? Is it just Renee Z looks fat by comparison and because she is tiny? SIGH. Must exercise must bloody go for a walk. Shouldnt be such a chore, really. Thought maybe i should go to Cuba or some Carribbean Island at end of next year and learn Spanish and Salsa. Would suit me V well. hmmm listening to Old sckool janet jackson - Fk Id really like to hear "IF".. dont i have that CD somewhere??? |
| Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003 | |
| 6:47 pm | hmm.. good thing about boring work time is that i get time to daydream. As in WTF do i want to do with my life ... "my brilliant career".. etc. ahh.. so confusing. i will graduate PROPERLY in a year.. artist relations, publicity.. makeovers.. AK. decisions? With Dr Norway would come back i swear to god im pining hopes on someone ive not met - turned down being propositioned last night... "hi how were your exams. just got back from new zealand.. wouldnt mind a shag.. are you up for it?" If that was said to me in a bad i would have slapped him, but it was via sms. did end up telling him he was insulting, bigheaded and presumptuous tho. You dont order sex like you order pizza, and im not that pizza asshole. Hmmm.. still hate my hair, Ive got to do SOMETHING with it. know Kats going through touch time but still dont expect her to call me so whadevadood. what am i gonna do with my hair? ive been spending so much money recently.. about $60 on Rasha too. Hopefully she will remember that. Diet.. its december, its summer, its a new month - new start. Lets TRY TRY TRY AGAIN. wish this freakin stupid rain would stop though. Im not a very positive girl in my diary ramblings.. am i? |
| Thursday, November 27th, 2003 | |
| 10:44 am | I suck! URRGH. That is what i would classify as a breakfast binge. 4 slices of wholemeal toast, bit of cheese, piece of chocolate (milk coconut 114 calories per peice!!!!! WHY!!??), 5 (22cal) crispbreads and 50cal jam!!!! why the HELL??!!! WTF!! hhhmm - -calculate damage: LOL - that could be 12 WW points in one go!! As for Cals.. 615!!! AM I INSANE?????????????????????? GAWD. WELL. At least it is the beginning of the day. I can not eat anything else but frappes (Im going to buy a blender today! Ice and bit of milk and fruit, diet choc topping.. m m m it will fill me up SOOOO goood. Neg cals too. And I can burn cals.. they say you need 1300 per day just to say alive or somthing.. Yes. Christmas challenge. Dont ask about these last 4 days. Attrocious. Today -- I shall improve. |
| Monday, November 24th, 2003 | |
| 9:06 pm | well totally noone to blame but myself. Last two days -- chocolate, junk food - all sorts of disgustingly fatty stuff. Maybe i should refrain from saying how well ive been doing huh? Well i think i wanna fast so i can reestablism equilibrium. hmmm. But im at work so im not sure how im gonna do that. Skip breakky? Okay or not? Lunch? Can have yogurt. Dinner well.. i guess i should stick to some normal stuff liquidy, tomorow is tuesday.. i'll try to keep it all below 500cal or somethin. HEY i should buy that blender and make frappeess... OMG im feelin so gross its unbelievable. Hate Kat for that haircut she gave me fuuuucccckkkkkk... Anyways. Had three overeating junk food days in the past 11 days, and just 7 on program days. At least ive been exercising i suposse. BTW can i mention how much Xmas sucks? I went to the counsellor today and successfully got my spec-considerationforms.. hmmmmmmm. There is a good dose of self-uncertainlty and dislike here. Primarily my elephant body. |
| Sunday, November 23rd, 2003 | |
| 10:52 am | Part of me feels like im just about to sign my life away -- why am i doing this? To be straight: I wont ACTUALLY be full time untill mid next year-- but ther DO want me to work full time -- its a GOOD job, I know that -- a marketing position, in an international context, whatever that means.. I get to actually USE my language skills - they are talking about sending me on biz trips - its good pay.. ie great opp for me to save.. - what other arts graduate can say that? no - i wont EVEN graduate till the end of next year? Its much better than working in some coffee shop.. i should consider it as some sort of personal masters -- my second job can be my dream field -- this is JOB training.. but AHHH this RESPONSIBILITY! no.. sorry, im not free on Monday "I have to work"... Is it just the idea of an "office" thats turning me of??? I keep on dreaming of working at MTVI HQ.. THAT sounds fun. I need FUN! fuck - life is too short. But i should be happy!?? I feel like im dealing with the devil -- the president of the rat race.. ohh shudder.. so evil. The other thing IS.. if im working, then i cant take off to Mexico.. can i? How am i gonna learn spanish??..well.. i suppose i still can, because i was only tring to get it on HECS and get a travel grant.. maybe with my new guanxi i can.. god.. i dunnooo... why why why.. i need some purpose, i know that when i work that out in claritly I'll feel better.. and i know people can smell non-commitment from a mile off. Ie - am there for (2/1 etc year/s) so i can get my languages to a biz-level? To learn about marketing as a field? To make connections in my CHOSEN field? To just really really ask myself WHAT company, WHAT place, WHERE would i be happy at? To save money so i can relocate? To WHAT? I'e just been waking up feeling .. so aimless. Im still a STUDENT who hasnt finished her degree! Lets not forget that! Current Music: video hits |
| Saturday, November 22nd, 2003 | |
| 6:18 pm | last three days been great. As in just naturally restricted. Under 18pts, more like 13-14 without trying. Messy disordered thing that i think this is good, but whatever - its a consuming interest. Today walked all around shops - 3 hours or somthing. I am soooo bored right now: feeling generally aimless. Mr Norway come spark up my life - gawd. 2 pc wholemeal toast w diet maramlade - 2pts/ 130cal 4 carrots with chilli sauce - o/ 80cal frozen yogurt 1/ 120cal 2 hudsons cappuchinos 1/ ??cal big bowl airpopped corn 3/ 100cal sugar free lollie 0/ 15cal. 1L water 0/ 0 carrots and mushrooms steamed with chillisauce 0/ 80cal Walking around shops for hours.... so.. 7 points if i say 3 points for that popcorn? I dont know how much its worth. Cals: i hate maths -- lets say 5/600cal or something so far. its 6:30pm so not too bad. Maybe thats why im so listless. I bought a black handbag and $20 trousers.. spendfreak but whatever. Kat has dogged me .. she's like: (via sms) sorry to be so silent in yoy, dont mean to be rude but kind got a lot to deal with at the mome.. sooo hugs mwa.. yeah. Felt pretty trashheap reject when i got that, so that msg was promptly erased. Wrote back something nice and understanding and spacious then had a word with myself on the true nature behing that: Leave me alone. Well dude - fkyou for ever calling me a "sister" if you wanna dump me bacause ur life is so full. If you dont think im worth sharing with, if all you can do is ignore me for days and make me feel like the desperate idiot for continuing to try keep in touch with you then FINE. See ya in 2 months or something. I guess it just goes to show: I havent even told you about the court case or result.. i dont even want to share with her anymore because i know she isnt sharing with me.. well.. some friends are like that: As the good old irish toast goes, and i think it's appropriate: Here's to you and here's to me I pray that friends we'll always be, But if by chance we disagree, The heck with you and here's to me! You know, 2 weeks ago she gave me a compliment: you've lost a shitload of weight (whoo!~!). My pants are fitting alot better nowadays -- just wait till i actually DO see her. Hold on tightly let go lightly.. see ya when i see ya babe. I wont try anymore, but you know where to find me if you wanna talk. You're a good girl. But you know me.. sometimes i just dont have the effort and stregnth and staying power to stay around people who dont give a fuck and arent there for me too. take care. xx Current Mood: just a bit hungry |
| Monday, November 17th, 2003 | |
| 8:46 pm | okay so i did it. I took the afternoon off work - had so much trouble concentrating it wasnt worth it. I slept 4.30-6.45 then got up and went for a walk for 50 minutes. In the rain. Thats hellacool. Go Me. Had dinner: vegies and oyster sauce, with one slice of bread. The bread wasnt worth it. I guess ive restricted pretty well today -- had lunch with work crew. ordered a thai beef salad. just greens, hardly any dressing and beef. wonder how many cals. SIGH. Bloody hell. im tired. maybe i should got throu all the complex charaters, write them out - andfind a chinese persona at work tomorrow. yeah. Ummm.. reviewt those passages. Get up early. Sunrise wasnt so bad this morning, so hows about 5am? Then work - -then home. Thankgod i got Wednesday off too, huh? Im still peckish. What to eat? this is why... im still fat... My buddy is quitting WW. But I wont. I wont quit till I get to goal. |
| 5:00 am | addicted to giving myself a heart attack.. or just using blurty? Plan -- now -- brush teeth. Dont eat till 8am -- have a banana or mango with left over yogurt. OR Jelly. Work -- get off as early as possible (Im not full time yet so TOO BAD!) Come home and crash. Take a bread roll or something. Meet Ping later. My body clock is already wacked. Since when do i get hungry at 1am and 5am. |
| 4:53 am | Ravenous hmmm Eating again. Cornthins -- this time with low cal jam. I guess.. 100cals? Eh whateva. Ive been up all nite. Yay. Plan -- half day at work. Come home sleep a bit. after 5 or 7 or whenever, ill go get the bike off nina. Yay I get a bike. Then i do Chinese. Bloody hell -- as for this thing? hmmm. Okay about half hour till sun-up, and about 2.5 hours before I REALLY have to leave the house. I am the Queen. I wonder.. really -- Am I burning more bby being awake, or being asleep all night? |
| 2:35 am | i cant do it -- i WONT do it i wont go to sleep if i do i know i wont be able to finish.. that walk may be a bit ambitious - besides its gettin mighty cold.. 2. ..3 hours till sun up -- I had some water -- stretched.. turned on the radio instead of CDs.. I -- will-- get-- this-- done. |
| 1:02 am | Good Girl Okays donig great. (xcept for spelling LOL) Just got up to have a 1am snack -- figured it would help my brain and make me feel more awake? 4 cornthins (88cal) with vegemite and 44cal cheese slice. Not too bad i can handle the 130cals. Also have a cup of tea here but dont know if i can do it considering i had about 5 cups coffee not 3 hours ago. UGH. You can do it, J. Just think: Sun will be up in... 4, 4.5 hours.. You could even go for a walk if you wanted to make up for not going last (this) night. IF you are finished. Think you can finish? Give you 2 hours max to tidy up the reports, then do the log book. Good one for remembering to call Ping re Chinese. mm.. vitamin B, Protein from Cheese, corn (whole grains), antioxidents -- metabolism -- take that! I wonder if you work for or against my favour when i stay up all night. Ie -- will i loose weight? Anyways -- maybe i should become a night owl again. Productive -- more productive than i usually ever am, anyways. im audi Current Mood:  hopefulCurrent Music: massive attack tear drop |
| Sunday, November 16th, 2003 | |
| 9:21 pm | dramas dramas -- seriously -- I have fucking "dramas" too - its been rought here too -- but shit. God I am so sick of chasing people. Real friends call YOU! Whatever. Just make sure you dont keep my money cause ill be needing that back and coffee will do me fine. You dont even know about the court case. I cant believe how much we have drifted in a year. Dont you know its dangerous to put all your eggs in one basket when it comes to people? Lucky you with your boyfirend who is clearly your entire workd now. We were/ are still?/ good friends, hey? Well -- Whatever is all i gotta say right now. Go lead your life ill lead mine too. MWA xxxx |
| 8:40 pm | fucking exams!@@$%$@^@#% Okay: I used to be able to do this. I spent many nights like this-- at this desk back in 1998 when i was in year 12. Im a lazy slacker uni student but ive got to pull an all nighter because the only thing m excelling in is Procrastination. Goddam. Oh GROSS (damn instant coffee sucks - but the caffiene should substitute for the speed im sure im too chicken to take if that so called friend on mine ever gets back to me with the results of mmy $. What -- we gonna do that at her party? Seriously i can hardly be bothered. fuck i hate it when people cant do the common curtesy things and return your enquiry days later.) Fuck okay. 1) This Play review. Should be a chinch -- its still early. 2) Use the internet to fuill my log book with ramblings 3) do some Chinese!! 4) make sure everythings tight. 5) Got to uni early to hand it in before 8:30am 6) Get a BIG CAFFIENE hit cauz u gotta work all day on some boring procedures shyte and look like you're taking it it. 7) Come home and sleep 8) Get up and Study chinese. CRAM. Oh fuck -- yeah -- complex characters. God DONT let me fail!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Abosorption -- more coffee. God Im so stressing already. Im such a fucking idiot for letting this happen. 9) Special consideration -- APPLY At least you will look skinnier by the end of the week (snaps for you if you get comments) because you are gonna be so gaunt and tired. AHHHHHHHHH! OKAY! LIGHTS ACTION DEDICATION MOREHAS BEEN ACHIEVED IN LESS TIME STOP BLURTY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |