[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Tuesday, July 8th, 2003|
|I am a little butterfly...
Eh he he... It's been a while since I've updated. Gomen nasai.... Life has pretty much been the same. Something that was really awesome though was that my aunt and mom let James come with us to Dallas for a weekend. That was really nice. I never expected them to let him go anywhere with us,lol. I did pizza sales for KF After Prom today at Klein with James and I'm supposed to be doing it tomorrow too. Ms. Lambeth said that Kaleb might come tomorrow, so I'm excited. I miss my Kay-Kay. Hehe. Right now me and James are at my house. Lol, he's playing video games cuz there is nothing better to do here. My parents really don't understand when I say that there is nothing to do over here. *shrug* oh well, maybe we can go watch a movie. My birthday is in under two weeeks. Almost 17! WOOHOO!! lol, can't wait. Can't wait to see Pirates of the Caribbean either. That looks so good. Lol, anyways, I think I am going to go find something to do. Buh bye!! Current Mood: amusedCurrent Music: When You Think of Me by Mark Wills, great song
|Monday, January 27th, 2003|
|Oh how wonderful life CAN be :o)
I love him so much. I really don't know what I was thinking yesterday. Perhaps a temporary lapse of insanity *shrug* Yesterday after I got home I watched a movie with my parents and then called James. I then went back over to his house and me, him and Charlie had fun together, doing something we all could enjoy: orgy! just kidding.... ;o) Yeah, so that was really great. And the best part: we didn't watch one minute of the superbowl. I was kinda disappointed to not see the commercials, but hey, I'll take that over being with the ones I love anyday. Today was really great too. Oh my how I love him. I just can't get over it. Earlier, when he was walking me to my car, I started singing the barnie song and when I got to the "we're one happy family" i said 'well, not yet' and he said 'yeah, not yet' and I almost tackled him. I love him so much!!! Hmm, the happy ones are shorter :P Current Mood: lovedCurrent Music: Whenever You Call by Mariah Carey and Brian McKnight
|Sunday, January 26th, 2003|
|No, of course not, why would there be something wrong?
I just left James's house. I had picked up Charlie and we had both gone over there, just to hang out. Of course, I didn't even stop to think that would mean. James and Charlie would play their guitars together or play some video game that I hadn't the slightest clue on how to play. Then, of course, they would offer me a turn thinking that by blurred observance would have somehow enlightened me on how to play. So, what do I do? Watch the stupid video game for a while before laying down and shutting my eyes. Oh, let me tell you how entertaining that is. The last thing I wanted to do was go home, I mean, I'm with 2 of my best friends, but at least I could do something at home, where as my options there were: sleep, watch with confusion. I never felt so lonely in the presence of friends before. Of course they tried to make me stay "we can do something else" oh yeah, like what? play the guitars? oh, how amusing for me, let me tell you. So now I am at home, unsure about everything.
Maybe that perfect relationship that I was so sure I had isn't as perfect as I thought. No where near perfect I mean. As I was driving home I couldn't help but think that maybe this fairy tale relationship is just that, a fairy take. I don't want things to be over, but this loneliness is almost too hard to handle. *rubs head* it hurts so much, everything. My heart aches, I feel betrayed and I don't know why. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be alone, *cry* I don't want to be alone.... Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: Yesterday by Paul McCartney
|Saturday, January 25th, 2003|
|Sometimes people are so emotional it drives me crazy, but then again who am I to talk...
I swear everyday I get more and more bogged down. Between school work and friends, I don't have time to rest. Band keeps me until 7:00 almost every day and pre-cal, ap english and world geo gives me assloads of work each day. Not to mention my friends. I love my friends to death, they mean more to me than life itself, I care more about them than my family, but I do think that is the problem. I care about my friends so much that I ignore my homework and my family and my precious 2-hours of sleep so that I can attempt to solve their problems that bring them down. Not to mention that my emotional life is less than perfect and i have my own problems to worry about, but these of course go to the bottom of my screwed over priority list and I concentrate on the 'more important' things in life. Hell, the other day my parents threatened me that I wasn't going to go to college if I didn't set my priorities straight. My response: like that will happen. My anemia is back in full force, I only get 2 hours of sleep each night, I need new contacts causing me to get headaches all the time, and my emotional life is gong haywire beyond belief right now yet I find myself putting all of these things on the back burner. I can hardly function these days. I broke down at lunch the other day, thank God that Patrick was there to lean on and take some of my burden away.
And as if my life isn't enough screwed up my mom and I fight everyday. It is an endless battle, it never stops. I wake up we fight, I get home we fight, before I go to bed we fight. It just never ends. It's getting to the point where I am used to and expect these fights which in my opinion is very sad. I even find myself getting stressed over the one thing that can truly make me happy these days: James. Damn to hell indecisiveness. Though we don't argue or fight a certain amount of tension is sometimes there. I suppose because we are both indecisive people. Neither of us want to make decisions causing both of us to get frustrated. I am so happy to be around him and when we are together everything is great. But it is those moments when we are on the phone or online trying to decide something or another that this tension happens. I love him to death, I really do. He can make me smile no matter how upset I am and spoils me rotten :o), but i still feel stress.
This intense stress on my whole person has begun to affect my physical health. I have gotten sick, hell I've been sick for weeks, and I can't get well. My imune system is working as hard as it can, but the conditions I am putting my body through right now is causing it to go on overload. *rubs temples* I just don't know what to do. Like I told Patrick: I just want to go away for like a week, totally alone, just me. I just need to be away from all of this and then I might be prepared to take on these challenges once again. I feel so pathetic, like I should be able to handle all of this. *sigh* What a waste... Current Mood: stressedCurrent Music: Don't You See by Sonic