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Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
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11:24 am - Why can't life just be nice and simple???!!!
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AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mum is so infuriating!!! I got home last night and the first thing she said to me was "where have you been?" In a nasty voice and then started having a go at me for not doin the washing up when I have been telling her that there isn't any washing up liquid, what am I supposed to do? Knit it from thin air!!!!!
Iv been really pissed off with living at home at the moment, and I thought that me and mum were getting along well again, since the weekend, and then that happens!!! So I packed my bags, but she wouldn't let me out of the house and started screaming at me to go to my room and that Im not allowed out until Im 18....Then she rung dad and told him, so I got another bollocking I wouldn't mind but I was in a good mood thanks to Liam... Now Liam is goin to be really upset because I can't go for the meal that he had planned and Im goin to be upset because Liam's upset... Its a vicious never ending circle!!!
I wouldn't mind, but Im beginning to really like Liam, I maybe even falling in love with him, and mum is stopping me from going out and having a good time with him. Im a teenager for Gods sake!!! I need to go out and have fun, otherwise I'll be surpressed for the rest of my life!!! When I have children Im goin to give them as much freedom as they want...
And mum and dad have said that all I have on my mind is Liam and if my grades fall because of him then I won't be allowed to see him again... If they knew how hard I work at college, theyd never doubt my grades again!!! When people come home, they wanna relax and go to sleep or in my case watch Charmed, but no!! If Im not working then that automatically means that Im goin off the rails and that Im goin to fail at everything!! A levels are the hardest times of your life, you are meant to relax otherwise you'll burn out and not be interested anymore, and if theres anyone who is interested in college its ME!!!!!
AKA
- x -
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Gwen Stefani
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| Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
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1:24 pm - Oh!!!!
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Im writing look!!! Yey!
Anyways, its been a while ain it?!
Im goin out with Liam now, not that ma dad is too happy about it... He went to the Crown last night threatening to knock Liam out!!! I was like "Oh shit!!!" Anyway, my dad is now making me choose between him or Liam, well actually, I don't have a choice, if I wanna stay with Liam then my dad is goin to disown me, nice innit. Iv decided that I want to stay with Liam, but its like, what if he does something to hurt me? What if he lies or cheats or whatever and we split up, then I don't have either Liam, or my dad? How much does that suck!! I was so upset last night though... I really thought that my dad was goin to hurt Liam, I was crying because I was that worried! I gave Liam a BIG hug after it though... It had been a good night up until then... All my friends have said that who should I choose, I mean, Kim, she said while on the bus, that I have to choose between someone who will be in my life forever, and who will truly care for me (dad) or, someone who has a bad reputation with relationships, who may cheat on me and who will probably end up hurting me in the long run... Liam ain done anything yet... Apart from sleep with his ex, the day after he met me, but Im not goin to hold that against him... I think Im beginning to feel abiut of Love....!!!! AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways, I have to ask myself the question of "What do I feel for Liam?" Iv already asked it, and I came to the answer of I really like him, but I don't know what to commit to, I mean, we've only been together for like 3 weeks, and he's already talking about love, not that I mind. I like being told that someone loves me, its a nice feeling, and I get a nice feeling when Liam says it, like I did when Sean used to say it... And thats another thing, am I completely over Sean?... I can feel that Liam doesn't like it when I mention him, because he goes quiet and kinda pulls away from me... But Sean has been a big part of my life for the past 5 years, I can't just block him out...
Talking about Sean, Iv not been able to speak to him for like nearly a week!!! I left my phone in the back of a taxi on Saturday night so now I don't stand a chance at talking to him because Im not allowed another phone now :( ... And he hadn't spoken to me since last Monday night after he got back from college... I miss him... :(
Gota concentrate on college and Liam, and just hope that good things come from my relationship with him, because otherwise I'll be left heartbroken, without a boyfriend and without my dad... what to do? .... I hope Liams alright actually, anything could have happened since I went home last night... oh shit...
AKA
- x -
current mood:  contemplative
current music: College stuff
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| Sunday, September 4th, 2005
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4:01 am - Im so tired!!!
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Sat in Sarena's living room, while shes talking to Andy... Bored... had a night out tonight... twas good...
Liams probably cheated on me though... I hope not...
Sean hasn't texted me for the past 2 days... His phone was playing up the other day, but is that happening again? I mean, I texted him asking him to answer his phone if I rang because I wa getting paranoid, I rang and he didn't answer!!! :( What am I supposed to think huh?! God I want him!!!!!!
And I want Liams friend called Chris... Mighty fine!!!!
*sighs* I always feel weird when Sean doesn't text me... I wake up all morbid and blah... Mindyou at this rate I don't think Im goin to sleep!!!
AKA
- x -
current mood:  blah
current music: Something on classical channel...
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| Monday, August 22nd, 2005
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4:08 am - wow!!!
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God its been a long time ain it?????!!!!!
I met ma babes, enjoyed every minute... he's so much more perfect for real!!! And Iv been on holiday... and so has Sean... thats bowt it really!!!
I still love my babes Kersh!!!!
Met a lad called Liam tonight and both my friends hu I was wi told me to get wi him, but I want Sean, apparantly I can't keep my life on hold, but I want to!!!
AKA
- x -
current mood:  calm
current music: Foo Fighters - Big Me
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| Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
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1:30 pm - ...
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Okay, well Im bored... officially bored so I'll write again. The thing is, I haven really got that much to say... And if I do talk the itd be about Kersh... so I dunno... some strange person has been posting comments on my diary, which isn't very nice... I haven done anything to them...
I love Kersh!!!!!!!
Tis all!!!!
I'll text Kersh tonight before Nip/Tuck again, but its beginning to become a habit that he doesn't text on Wednesday nights, Im assuming he will though, cuz he said he would and he'll be tired because he had to get up early for college... bless... My baby's gone to college!!!!
Oh well... Im in love and in a really good mood!!!!
AKA
- x -
current mood:  crazy
current music: Green Day - Wake me up when September Ends
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10:19 am - A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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WOO! This time next week, I'll be on the train to Manchester!!!! Im so excited!!!! Thats all I have to say really.
Excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood:  excited
current music: Puddle of Mudd - Said
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| Monday, July 4th, 2005
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12:58 pm - A week and 2 days!!!!
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I am so excited its unbelievable! Im also shittin maself at the same time, but thats allowed because Im still scared of what he'll think of me... Im too fat for him!!! I know it!! If he hates me Im goin to be gutted. Anyways Im on a high because he called me babe twice last night!!! TWICE!! Im so sad but its the lil things that I love! Im still convinced that nothing is goin to happen in Manchester though, one because he's really shy, two because of Chloe and three, because Im too fat. I also know that if nothing does happen, he doesn't wanna break up with Chloe... I mean like if we hug its ok, cuz he said that hugs are different, but if we don't kiss or anything then I'll know that he ain't goin to break up with her... Oh well.
IM IN LOVE!!!!!!!
AKA
- x -
current mood:  mischievous
current music: Aerosmith - Don't wanna miss a thing
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| Friday, July 1st, 2005
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11:35 am - Everythings ok...
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He missed his bus and had to stop at Chloe's. Im not impressed bout the staying at Chloe's thing but its ok... I get so jealous and I don't need to be!!
I was happy though, when I said that I had missed talking to him, he said that he'd watched Nip/Tuck and kept thinking about me!! I felt all warm and fuzzy again. I said that I think about him all the time and that love sux. He didn reply to that... Im right though, love does suck, but Im in love so I can't help it... sucking...
He promised that he hadn't done anything though, and I made him promise that he would text me tonight, I have a 13 hour shift at work tomorrow so I don't really need to be stressing about him.
I was joking with him at the fact that I am going to be counting down till we meet and he said that it was fun that I was counting, then I went all serious saying that Im fat and ugly, and he said that he knows what I look like and that I ain't fat or ugly, he said that Im pretty!!
I went mad last night, I got home, looked into my diary and I found that my latest entries had been moved from where I had put them the other night, I confronted mum, and she told me that she had read my diary!!!! How pissed was I??? She now knows everything about Kersh, that we are meeting and how I feel about life. She won't let me meet Kersh. She still thinks that he's a paedophile and is scared that summat will happen to me... I was like, Hello!! Iv known him for 5 years, I know that he ain't a paedophile, I know that he's 16 and I know what he looks like, I know that I love him and I doubt that he will hurt me in anyway, unless he breaks ma heart... I dont think he'll do that either now...
And the she kept throwing that fact that he has a girlfriend at me!! I mean, duh!! As if I didn't know that already mum!! Iv been battling against Chloe for the past 3 years!!! Well not face to face, but via my feelings for Kersh. My mother is so infuriating!!!! Im still going to meet him, she can't stop me!! Even if she does clamp down on where Im goin then I don't care. I am getting on that train to Manchester on the 13th July, and she just cannot stop me!!! I think I might ask Ruth to come too, but tell her to bring Simon or someone so that I can say to mum that I was with them, it would be the truth, but not the whole truth.
AKA
- x -
current mood:  annoyed
current music: At the Drive in - Rolodex Propaganda
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| Thursday, June 30th, 2005
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10:36 am - A week and 6 days till I meet ma babes!!!
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Hmmm... Kersh didn't text me last night... I texted him saying "woo! 2 hours till Nip/Tuck. U there baby?" and he never texted me and then I texted him before Nip/Tuck, and he hasn't got it yet, so I tried ringing him to see if his phone was on, and it wasn't. Now has he switched it off because it was pissin about again, or because he didn't wanna text me or because he was spendin the night with Chloe... Im so confused. Im not getting worked up though cuz it may just be his phone. It was last week... I dunno...
I felt wierd when I woke up this morning too, possibly because Id spent all night worrying about why Kersh hadn't texted me and was still subconsciously worrying this morning too, Im not sure... I still feel wierd... Hmmm... I left ma phone at home because I know that if I had brought it with me then I would have spent all day stressing and would have texted Kersh sounding all desperate and I don't wanna do that...
My life revolves around Kersh too much...
AKA
- x -
current mood:  worried
current music: Green Day - Wake me up when September Ends
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| Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
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10:24 am
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I am so not walking away!!
I know what I said the other day, but talking to him last night, well, I just felt that I loved him too much to just let him stay with Chloe... He told me that he loved me again last night, well in so many words anyway, I asked him did he love me and he said that he told me that he did. that means yes right?
Im in love and I can't help it!!! Apparantly I have to be a good girl! thats what he said after I said am I ever goin to get him for real, and he said if I am a good girl, and that I know that I can have him... Im so confused!!!
current mood:  determined
current music: Puddle of Mudd - Out Of My Head
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| Monday, June 27th, 2005
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9:50 am - Just walk away...
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Title says it all.
Its all Ruths fault, she said that from what Iv said and what she's read in my diary and stuff that Kersh is just using me as a fall back from Chloe everytime she pisses him off, then when she's nice to him again then he'll go straight back. She also says that he's playing mind games with me, he thinks that he can rule me and use me when he needs me. Why did she have to say that? Iv been thinking really hard over the past couple of days and I think that I should just walk away. Its sooooooooo hard!!! =(=(=(=(=(=(=(=(=( *cries* Iv tried to think about things in different perspectives to see if theres something else for me to hang onto with him... but the horrible truth is, there isn't. He is never going to end it with Chloe becasue he loves her too much, and yeah he may be pissed at her but he will forgive her eventually, and then he'll be glad that he stayed with her... and if he got with me, he will resent me for everything and I couldn't cope with that... they belong together... *cries*
current mood:  depressed
current music: Kersh!!'s Ultimate Kickass CD of Megacity
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| Friday, June 24th, 2005
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1:59 pm - nasty thoughts dominate
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Your Friday Horoscope Sammi!
You are deeply in the midst of a romantic cycle. It is so engrossing that you might not even know what day it is. What began as a casual flirtation could get out of hand, but might that be a good thing after all?
How wierd is that? I don't normally believe in horoscopes or the shit that I get sent, however, that is freaky. I am in too deep with Kersh, and that just says it all!!!
Im so confused, I think that I pissed Kersh off last night. He said he wanted a picture, so I sent one, then asked if he was horny and he said no. So I replied with Oh great so I don't turn you on how crappy do I feel, and he sent one back saying you do just not tonight, then I said that atleast Chloe does it for you, and that Im a fat ugly frump and your best staying with her, and he said ok then Im going to sleep. And he hasn't texted me back since. What have I done? I hope Iv not blown it!! Im sure I havent but I can't be sure... He finishes his exams today... so he may not text tonight or tomorrow night as he'll be partying and then he might not text Sunday because he'll be recovering, so it'll be Monday!! Or he may not text at all!!!!! :( Im sooooooooooooooooooooooooo stupid!! I mess everything up... Y couldn't I just take that he was tired and move onto a different subject? I hope that evrything is ok between us, I mean we meet in 2 weeks and 4 days!!! Or we may not be now! Im so doubtful. I hope we do. Everything with me these days is based on hopes and dreams. I need some reality, but then reality bites. I hate reality. Reality says face the fact that Kersh isn't goin to give everything up for you even if he does like you when you meet in July. God Samantha, get a grip.
Im not letting go, Ive come so far, I just need him to meet me and see how it goes from there. Mindyou, he'll probably get to Manchester, see me and think God she is ugly, turn around and get on the train again.
Like I said reality bites.
AKA
- x -
current mood: pensive
current music: The Mars Volta
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| Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
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12:31 pm - ...
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I was in such a naffy mood yesterday... I think I pissed Kersh off... I hope not... He said that when I not being silly that Im cool, and that he puts up with me because he gets rewarded!! Im in love!! Its sooooooooo cool!! He tells me that he loves me, he calls me babes and baby, and other stuff, he says that Im hot and sexy and cute... I dunno if he needs glasses... but that aint the point... It boosts my confidence so much and it shows me that he does love me.
I mean it though, I was depressed yesterday and he cheered me up by just being Kersh... my babes Kersh!!! I wonder if he knows how much I love him...
Iv got stock take again at work tonight, I hope my boss isnt nasty to me, I wouldn't be able to cope. I don't wanna cry infront of anyone at work, but Im that close to the edge while Im there, I won't be surprised if I did. Mind you, the last time that I was upset because of my boss and because of Kersh rejecting me, Ben cheered me up... its not all bad! If the nob does upset me though, I'll be handing my notice in...
Anyway, Nip/Tuck is on tonight, so I'll be able to chill while perving on the sexy Julian McMahon, and I'll be texting my babes so I'll be ok I suppose. Im in love!!! Hopefully, Kersh will be 100% my babes in 3 weeks, and if he's still unsure, I'll turn on the charm objective and make sure that he has mo doubt in his mind who he wants, and hopefully, it'll be me who he wants... Shit, 3 weeks till we meet!! Im still a whale!! Crap.
AKA
- x -
current mood:  loved
current music: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
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| Monday, June 20th, 2005
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9:50 am - Yey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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And hello!!!
My baby loves me!!!!! He told me on Saturday night and last night!!! Saturday, I said that I loved him when I sent him a picture!! (finally have a phone that works!!) and he said that he thinks he loves me too, and then when I said you serious he said yes!!! And last night when I said night and "kissed" him, he sent me a message back saying *kisses and loves* YEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! That does mean that he loves me, I think, because it means that if I was there he would have kissed me and would be loving me, so Im assuming that it means that he loves me now!!!!!!!! And OMG!!!!! He is unbelievably fit!!! He sent me a picture of his face (cute) and the of his whole body, - and his ***** (my god he is big!!!) a pic of him all hard!!!! (oooooh Iv got butterflies in my tummy!!!) and last night he sent me 2 pictures of his face again, because I was moaning that I only ever saw half of his face. He is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute!!!! and gorgoeus and mighty fine... and perfect in everyway!!! and he is almost mine!!! He said that he was excited about meeting me now!!!!!!!!!
Yey!!! - I think thats my word of the day!!!!!
The thing is though, now Im on contract, I have to cut down on the amount that Im texting him because I only have 700 messages to send a month and I send loads more than that. I think that after I have been on holiday, I'll send him as many as I want and just give dad the difference. I can't live without talking to him everday, Im addicted to him!!! What a good thing to be addicted to!!!
I bought him a lil summat from Afflecks the other day that I thought he would like, I ain't sent it yet, its goin today. I do hope he likes it, its a blue guitar buckle for a belt. I bought it because he likes guitars, and his is a bluish colour. Genious.
Im so happy!!
AKA
- x -
current mood:  hot
current music: Kersh!!'s Ultimate Kick Ass CD of megacity!!
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| Friday, June 17th, 2005
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11:39 am - ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I am sat in Student Services at college with Laura who says that my babes is kinda fit!! She's right he is!!! I love him, though I was gettin pissed off at him last night, it was like he didn't want anything... I read his letter that he sent me too and he said that he still isn't sure whether he wants to break up with Chloe yet... I can understand, it ain't easy for him... but at the same time it isn't easy for me either... Im not letting go now though, Im in too deep...
His CD's are cool, I first listened to them and though "Oh My God" but then I listened to them again, and again, and I do actually like the songs on there now. He put the song on that he said reminded him of me, though Im kinda confused why it does... Im soo happy! A mixture of it being my birthday and me loving my baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And i know that he loves me, but its hard, so Im not getting depressed!!!
AKA
- x -
current mood:  peaceful
current music: Nothing
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| Thursday, June 16th, 2005
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12:43 pm - how come...?
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How come you can be depressed, but happy at the same time? Tis strange... Im still abit depressed bout the whole Kersh thing, I supoose I always will be unless sumat happens, but at the same time, Im really happy with him. Especially when we are talkin to each other (via text...) I havent really got much to say today part from ITS MY BIRTHDAY, LIKE TOMORROW!!!!!
And Im on thrills again, because in the shop at college there is an absolutely huge poster of the new film with Julian McMahon in it... and hes on the picture!!!!! *drools*
Kersh also makes me drool... but thats different, I could possibly have my babes, however I doubt that I will ever meet Julian and its only a celebrity crush on him... with Kersh, its... well... real... *smiles*
AKA
- x -
current mood:  flirty
current music: Greenday - Wake me up when September ends
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| Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
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10:40 am - Michael Jackson is innocent!! Told you....
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I am soooo trying to avoid goin out today, one because its pissin it down and two, I don't wanna, I need to revise for my law exams tomorrow... not good. I start work at 2 though. That sucks because it stops the whole revision thing... and another thing that sucks is the fact that Im now back at college full time until the 8th July. These GCSE people don't know how lucky theyv got it.
3 days till my birthday... 4 days till Blackpool, thats cool, I can finally relax and have fun, however if things don't turn out my way I'll be sulking all day and thats not fun...
Was texting Kersh last night and talkin to him bout stuff, and managed to piss him off, again. I threw a strop because I want him and can't get him, and I don't think that he likes me doin that, I know he doesn't actually. He said that he wants me but doesn't know whether he can give everything up for me!! I know what he means, but jeez, theres better ways of saying things like that to people, gosh didn't I feel special!! I told him that Im goin to carry on fighting for him though, and I will, and even if he doesn't decide for my birthday, I can wait till July. Iv waited 2 and half years already so I think I can manage another 4 weeks. I don't wanna wait but its just one of them things that a girl has to do. Theres that saying that if you love them, you should let them go and if they come back then its meant to be. I let him go, and he's come back!! Surely that says something. I can't wait till July though...not just for my babez, but that plays a big part, but because I go on holiday. Its goin to be a drag not bein able to text him all the time... though if he decides to leave me be and stay with Chloe then he probably won't text me anyway, and that will kill me... Okay, I'll be upset that he's stayed with Chloe, but we can still be friends and text each other. And I can't help feeling that he's staying with Chloe so that he can keep his friends because he's told me that he'll probably lose his friends if he breaks up with her... I don't want that to happen, Id rather him stay with Chloe and keep his friends than have him lose them. Or in another point of view, he will make new friends at college... even if he is shy, I know he will. Anyways he says that he loves her, though I think that its habit, probably the same with me aswell...
I need him, want him, breathe him, sleep him, adore him, worship him and most of all I love him. Love sucks.
AKA
- x -
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Puddle of Mudd - Said
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| Monday, June 13th, 2005
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10:03 am
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La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Why has Kersh closed his account? Tis strange... he's not told me bout that and he normally would... hmmmmm... oh well I'll talk to him tonight.
I didn't get to talk to him last night which felt kinda weird... he went out again... wish I had a social life... anyway, it was just plain wierd not talking to him... Iv jut got so used to talking to him I guess... I actually needed to talk to him last night as well... never mind... Just read his lastest entry into his diary that said he was closing his account or sumthin because Chloe has become secretive... strange reason, but its valid, I dont think he'd want her finding out what has been goin on... wonder what he has to say though... he said he had lots to say... I think it would be easier for him to get a normal diary like I do as well as this... though the things I put in that aren't to be seen by anyone, though my mum takes it upon herself to read it everytime I leave it at home, therefore it goes everywhere with me now... simple.
The only thought that is now cheering me up besides the fact I can't eat much food because my lip is cut on the inside, is the fact that its my birthday on Friday and Im goin to have fun with me mates... and I may get my babes back... though thats still abit shaky...
Oh well.
AKA
- x -
current mood:  cranky
current music: Blink 182 - Miss you
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| Friday, June 10th, 2005
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10:32 am - YEY!!!!!!!!!
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Kersh and I had soooooooooo much fun the other night, interesting conversations... He needs me... and for more than just sex!!!! How cool is that?... Kinda! Last night we were talking (we talk every night now!! - well almost...) and he said that he meant everything that he had said to me the night before... I was so close to crying!! Iv waited so long for him, and now I almost have him back!!! He said that I may be able to have him as my birthday present which is great, nothing in the world can beat that, not even my new phone, which is also goin to be cool!! I can send him photo messages with it... he'd like that... and as he said that Chloe doesn't get near his phine then I can send him as many messages as I like... YEY!!!!
Can you tell that Im excited? Not obvious is it? There is always the niggling that he ain't goin to finish with Chloe though, I know that if he likes me that much then he will, because he's too honest to cheat... But... oh... he will, I know him too well now, and if he doesn't then we can still be friends, it will kill me... but never mind. Though the way he talks to me... especially the other night... well... I think that we will have ALOT of fun when we meet...
I wrote him a letter the other day, and sent him a bra with it!! I know it ain't much and he can have sooooo much more in the future, but its just summat for him to hold when he wants me and I ain't there. Besides, its no great loss, I bought it 2 months ago, tried it on and the waist was too big and the cup size was too small!! I wouldn't mind it was a DD!!
Oh well gotta go revise some law!!
AKA
- x -
current mood:  hyper
current music: College stuff.
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