Angel with an A's Journal
20 posts back

Date:2003-06-17 15:52
Mood: lonely
Music:Criminal by Fiona Apple

Oh my goodness. Thank god I finally have a journal again, the words have been just aching to get out. I feel like I am being beaten with the sounds of hearts breaking but it is only mine breaking over and over again over the same exact thing it's been bleeding about for the past 2 years.

I miss Bradley so much and there is not a fucking thing I can do about it. It's not that I want him back: I could never ever take him back after the things he did to me. But I want another version of him. I want someone who makes me feel like my very existence in this world makes their world a better place. Like the air they breathe tastes sweeter because we're in the world and we're together. Brad called that feeling "the beauty of we."

I cannot help but think that I should just break it off with everyone I have romantic ties to until I know I have actually gotten over the relationship, which will probably never happen until it is replaced. I don't need to get over him, I just need to get over the fact that the relationship, as wonderful as it was, was good for a time but is now over. And there will be a new one.

Except unfortunately I think it's going to be a waste of time to be involved in anything from now on that doesn't feel like that. I want my love to feel like a Dave song. Last night Matt referenced me stopping to see him as me "putting in my time." I don't want it to feel like that.

HOW do I tell my best friend that while I am crazy about him and think he is one of the most wonderful men on earth that the passion and soul of the relationship are totally missing? He doesn't feel the way he would about me if we were madly in love. Neither do I. So are we wasting our time? Or is it ok because we know that and we are simply finding companionship and sex?

I kind of really want to be single. A few men have shown interest in me over the past few weeks and I can't help but wonder what would happen if I was single and didn't have to worry about being accountable to other people's feelings. I finally understand how Brad and Kris felt when I was much more invested than they were. This is an awful and horribly frustrating feeling.

Also, regarding certain habits I have, I feel like Matt and everyone else can just fuck off. If I want to smoke, I am going to, as long as it does not negatively affect my life and most specifically my job. And to this point, it totally doesn't.

I want to be in a band. I want to sing my heart out and help other people get through the shit they are dealing with. I personally find music so therapeutic that it would be great to help other people.

What the fuck is up with Jeff. What the fuck am I thinking.

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