Date:	2004-08-24 23:00
Subject:	it's been awhile...
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy
Music:	Dave Matthews (the sad stuff)

Whoa dude. It's been an eternity since I wrote anything in here. Let's see...well, new job but I hate it even more than the last one because once again stupid people who happen to be (a) not white and (b) married to one of the higher ups are making 60 gazillion dollars to just keep fucking up and making mistakes and making my life miserable. So. Fun fun, it just never stops. Chuckie, my darling little brother, is off to college on Friday in Ari-freaking-zona and I am going to miss him oh so terribly. He's my oldest playmate, my oldest friend, and my family co-conspirator and confidant. We made each others' lives miserable and now I am just miserable because he will be leaving me behind and I hate it. And I don't know what to do with myself, I'm freaking out a little bit!

I am trying to refigure out my user name and password. It's been a while.

Date:	2003-07-08 11:00
Subject:	Another day in Paradise...
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Live Bodeans CD from Jeff

I've decided to try and be more positive about everything. I was so negative and got myself in such a funk last week that I think I literally made myself sick. The one phrase that keeps running through my head is :This is the first day of the rest of your life." It is! And no matter how bad the money problems seem right now, or how much I hate my job, or how weird my relationship with Matty is, it's all going to work out. I should just relax and enjoy the ride, and I know that everything I encounter makes me a stronger, better person.

James is constantly pointing out to me that I am extremely hard on myself. I tear myself down a lot and pick on my shortcomings. But you know what, in the whole scheme of things, what difference does it make if I am not the prettiest, skinniest, most talented and successful person I know? Instead I want to try to focus on just being the best all around person I can be. And I want to concentrate on loving myself more. On shutting out the inner judge. And letting myself be however I want to be without passing immediate judgment on myself CONSTANTLY.

Yay for being positive. Don't let everyone around you make you negative too.

Date:	2003-07-01 12:57
Subject:	wish I could just hide in my bed!
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry
Music:	Dashboard Confessional

I am so sick of this. I cannot believe how unhappy I am this week. This job is a joke. I am wasting so much time and so many skills on sitting here staring at my computer screen or desk or a book for hours on end. It hardly seems practical to have a full-time proofreader when you don't even need one part time.

I went to go pick up my car yesterday from the mechanic and it again did not pass inspection because it needs new brakes. Of course. So now that's another couple hundred for brakes shocks and mounts. How am I going to afford this?

Then my parents are talking about taking out a tiny loan to buy me another beater and give my beater to my brother. Which is great, except then I'll have to learn a whole new car's issues.

I am so tired of waking up every single morning and being worried about money. It's not fair, it's not the way it should be. I didn't want it to be this hard. Why is it that I still don't have ny money and I have been working now at a "real job" for 3 months? I know it's only 3 months. But for Christ's sake, I paid 120,000 dollars for my god damn degree. And it would be really nice if I felt like the degree even mattered, since I am bringing home less than a sixth of that. A year's worth of tuition each year was about 36,000...and if you take what I am bringing home and double it, that's about ALMOST worth a year of school.

I am so fucking angry about all of this. Why can't I find a job that I love that pays me enough to live on? I am so fucking sick and tired too of people telling me I am lucky to have a job. I fucking KNOW that already, I'm not a goddamned idiot, we don't need to go into it again, it doesn't change the fact that I have been in tears every day I have come to work for the past two weeks because I HATE IT HERE. And why CAN'T the people who DO have money in this country get over the fear of losing it and start spending money again? It seems logical to me that if we could just get the economy running again, everyone would be a lot better off, and if we all tried to work together for one goddamn minute, we might be able to get the economy jumpstarted. But no, big fucking corporation heads have to be assholes and would rather keep their jobs and their fucking benefits than give something up for the greater good, i.e. take a small SALARY CUT AND USE THE DIFFERENCE TO CREATE NEW JOBS. This does not seem difficult to me. Meanwhile, people my age are fucking barely scraping by because we don't have jobs/money/anything decent that we could actually survive on.

Matt and I talked about this the other day and he was like, well maybe you need to get a part time job. And I flipped out. I know I need to get a part time job, but I DON'T WANT TO!!!! I graduated from college, I should be able to work one job and have a real life, not work 2 jobs and scramble around constantly to make ends meet!!! I shouldn't have to borrow fucking money from my boyfriend who never finished college and is still doing much better than me, and has two functional and beautiful cars to boot!! Granted he lives at home, but I don't have any car payments while he has a $400 a month payment and he's still rolling!

The really weird thing is that I am so angry about it all. I mean I cry a lot about it, and I am fucking more frustrated than I have ever been in my LIFE, but I am just so angry. I want to scream and punch people and make people understand how much it hurts to be a recent college grad. Brian and I were just sitting in the apartment yesterday talking about how much this fucking sucks. And all around me when I come to work are these either absolute total rude assholes or self-important bitchy people, or my favorite, the people that just don't do anything about anything. I thought this was a good working environment but it sucks.

I actually want to run away to Syracuse. How fucked up is that.

Date:	2003-06-26 11:01
Subject:	huh?
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Typical Situation, Dave Matthews

whoa. life is weird.

first off, I hate my job, this is not a secret. I started looking for new jobs today. I don't have the balls to actually quit this and go do something else, because I don't want to burn any bridges. but I really am unhappy. *bleah.*

I somehow scratched Theresa's car in the parking lot two days ago, so that adds another bill to the seemingly insurmountable heap of money I need to find. I have started applying for part-time jobs...summertime, and the living is NOT easy.

I met a new wonderful man named James, and he is soooo awesome and I love talking to him. He's my new best friend. It's good to branch out and meet new best friends. It is so weird though how you can meet people and totally hit it off with them and not even know them. I met James through Match.com and I have not yet talked to him in person, yet I feel closer to him than a lot of other people I know. Might be the three hour long conversation about everything from relationships to the YUCK in our lives to music to kids...everything.

Matt and I are sooooo much better now... we had a rough week or two but I think everything is better now. We chatted for a long time last night about a ton of things and I feel so much better. He told me point blank that if I want to see other people I need to tell him and he needs to approve them. We figure we'll take a step back if that happens, which is good because I want us to be able to be together and see other people like we were in the beginning. But it makes me feel much better to know that he understands that we're not final. And he understands that we're eventually going to want to see other people. And ironically, the fact that we talked about all that and had that big understanding makes me love him even more. :)

Date:	2003-06-23 09:47
Subject:	bleah.
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry
Music:	Criminal, Fiona Apple (I MISS DAVE)

I cannot explain it but I am so angry today. I don't want to do anything, I certainly don't feel like sitting at my desk all god damn day and listening to the people over here (like AT) screaming all day. I do not feel like listening to everyone else's bullshit. We didn't win the Mega Millions (of course) and that is sad. My shoulders are killing me because...I don't know why. I am tired because I didn't sleep this weekend, and my throat feels like shit from smoking too much. I'm still not skinny and you know what I am too god damn tired to fix that.

However ( you know, I never realized how much I use the word however until I started this journal...) I think I got my head on a little straighter this weekend. I remembered how much Matt honestly does care about me...and realized that I was living in some kind of fantasy world to think I was even a blip on the screen for Jeff...I'm just a skirt to him. Matt actually loves me and takes care of me and would do basically anything for me.

I am not saying that I suddenly realized I want to be with Matt for the rest of my life, because that's not true. What I am saying though is this fantasy I've been having about hooking up with Jeff must end this second. It's so much more trouble than it is worth and it is so fucked up.

Date:	2003-06-20 14:20
Subject:	am I living it right? :)
Security:	Public
Mood:	irritated
Music:	Dave Matthews Band, Norah Jones, and Sarah McLachlan

What is the deal, work is so boring right now and I am so frustrated with the way some people work. However, in MBTI you learn to just deal with other people's weirdness and move on.

Ha, the timestamp says 14:20. Happens to be my extension, as well as significant of a great hobby.

I cannot stand my job right now. However, I think about the alternatives (being unemployed, managing a corporate McD's under Tareg) and it seems a lot brighter.

It's so sad though, everyone here is so stressed out about stupid things...they're not stupid things for our business but in the long run it seems silly to me to be wasting so much time and effort and getting so frustrated and upset over whether or not the stars and running leg icons stay on the Fisher-Price blade signs.

Dave says next week he's gonna have som people meeting with me to get some more stuff on my plate, which will be great. It's just maddening that I can't use my skills at all! People would rather have me put their files in order than use me as a resource for things BESIDES how to spell words.

I want to meet some fun people at the concert tonight. I cannot wait to get there, we are going to have so much fun. I wish my ankle was healthy and that I weighed about 30 pounds less, chiefly in my arms and tummy. But we're still going to have a really good time. I can't wait to see Dave with Mary. YAY!!!!

Date:	2003-06-20 12:44
Subject:	Going to see Dave~
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	mix CD from CO, DMB

YAY!!!!! I am going to see Dave Matthews tonight. I cannot wait, I am so excited.

Date:	2003-06-19 17:00
Subject:	I want to f**k you like an animal...
Security:	Public
Mood:	horny
Music:	#41

It is so hard to concentrate when all you can think about is sex...sex on the brain.

Work is even more difficult when you have sex on the brain.

Damn JD all to hell.

Date:	2003-06-19 15:34
Subject:	hmm.
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely
Music:	mix CD, 3-26-02, lots of old music (pearljam, incubus, etc.)

hmm. I wish I could meet some new people. I like to hang out and just relax with people. My favorite place to hang out is my house. I love my apartment. I wish I had friends to smoke with. I wish I could find a nice Catholic boy who also smokes pot and is into having a lot of sex. :) To whom music is important and creativity is life. Matt and I were laying on my bed yesterday and listening to music and I was trying to explain why I liked a particular artist and I was just laying there listening to their lyrics and Matt all of a sudden exploded and was like, I don't get it, what is it about, he's just whining.

That hurt. A lot. Because it showed me how far from each other Matt and I really are. What I perceive as a very honest portrayal of the way things are, Matt sees as whining. While I see art, Matt sees unnecessary noise. He gets the identifying feelings with artists I can't even tolerate. That SUCKS.

I wish I could hang out with the people from the House in Syracuse. I miss them.

{Living in your Letters}
"Always assuming the worst, but you're going on nonetheless, and there's nothing to cushion your heart, let it fall. Letters from further away keep pulling me close to home but there's nothing to cushion my callous sighs. I know that you'd hoped for longer goodbyes, embracing for forever and falling in your eyes. In your eyes. In your eyes.

Poring over photographs, I'm living in your letters. Breathe deeply from this envelope that smells like you and I can't be without that scent it's filling me with all you meant to me...to me.

Continually failing these trials, but you stand by me nonetheless, and you won't let me sink though I'm begging you, I'm begging you. Phone calls from further away, and messages on my machine, but I don't ever tell you this distance seems terrible. There's no need to test my heart, with useless space, these wounds go on forever, there'll always be a place for you in my heart.

So I'll hit the pavement, it's gotta be better than waiting. And pushing you far away cuz I'm scared. So I'll take my chances and head on my way up there, cuz turning to you is like falling in love when you're dead."

{Hands Down}
"Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep. This air is blessed, you share with me. This night is wild so calm and dull, these hearts they race from self control. Your legs feel smooth as they graze mine, we're doing fine we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me, so I'll die happy. My heart is yours, to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer.

The words are harsh, let's not get busted, just lie entwined here undiscovered. Safe in here from all the stupiud questions, hey did you get some, man that is so dumb. Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me, so I'll die happy. My heart is yours, to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember, always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers, and the time on the clock we realized it's only and this walk that we shared together. The streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it and let you in. And youstood at the door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it, and I knew that you meant it, that you meant it, that you meant it...I knew that you meant it, that you meant it."

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? I'm gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!!
What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


HAHAHAHA! I also hate proofreading when there's nothing to do, guys who act like dicks, mercurial attitudes, and ugliness!

Rock on, dude! You are Punk music!


What type of music are you?
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Date:	2003-06-18 14:53
Subject:	I need a good defense... my version
Security:	Public
Mood:	naughty
Music:	duh.

"I've been a bad, bad girl. I've been careless with a delicate man. And it's a sad, sad world...when a girl will break a boy just because she can. Don't you tell me to deny it, I've done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins. I've come to you cuz I need guidance to be true and I just don't know where I can begin....

What I need is a good defense, cuz I'm feeling like a criminal. And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against, cuz I'M all HE ever knew of love.

Heaven help me for the way I am, save me from these evil deeds before I get them done. I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand but I keep living this day like the next will never come, oh help me but don't tell me to deny it. I've gotta cleanse myself of all these thoughts til I'm good enough for him. I've got a lot to lose and I'm betting high so I'm thinking of you, before it ends just tell me where to begin...

What I need is a good defense, cuz I'm feeling like a criminal. And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against, cuz I'M all HE ever knew of love.

Let me know the way, before there's hell to pay, give me room to lay the law and let me go. I've got to make a play, to make my lover stay, so what would the angel say the devil wants to know....

And what I need is a good defense, cuz I'm feeling like a criminal. And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against, cuz I'M all HE ever knew of love. What I need is a good defense, cuz I'm feeling like a criminal. And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against, cuz I'M all HE ever knew of love."

(Fiona, slightly altered....)

Date:	2003-06-18 14:14
Subject:	lucky
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	Jeff's mix CD from Colorado

this is what I think. I am a very lucky girl right now. I figured myself out, as I would say to Lyds.

I know Matt's not it. But I also know he has taught me a lot of things about relationships and he will also always always be my best friend. Matt knows more about me than I do. He amazes me.

However. Now I also do not feel badly about the fact that I have EVERY intention of moving back to London within 5 or maybe 10 if necessary years.

I don't feel guilty about that, except where Christian is concerned. (No offense to Chuckie, but he'll be off in Arizona and I know he'll be ok.) Oh, poor Chris he is going to be so lonely and I love him so much but I will hate myself if I don't go to London.

I don't want to end up like my mommy. She is very sad because she didn't do a lot of the things she wanted to in her life, like go work in a big city like New York. She stayed for my daddy, who is a wonderful man. Matt's great but he's not as great as my dad. I don't want to sacrifice something I really want (London) for something that might turn out to be just adequate.

The thing I remembered this week is how different my soul is from Matt's. Jeff gave me this CD to listen to and it is the best most relaxing and yet still deeply emotional music I've heard in a long time. I've been listening to this CD and thinking that this was the kind of music Brad and I listened to. He'd have no problem and in fact welcome sleeping and waking up with music, including Sarah McLachlan and Dave. We wrote music together and dissected other people's lyrics. He was interested in my theater, I adored his art. I want that. It's important to me. That creative side is sooooo important to me. Matt says often that he is a simple man. And he's right, and I don't expect any more from him. But that's why we're not thriving. (Jeff's lending of that CD was very touching too. Because music is very personal for me and if I connect with someone about music, that's awesome, it makes me see them in a whole other way and helps me feel connected.)

I just figured myself out.

Date:	2003-06-18 11:56
Subject:	random
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	#41, Dave Matthews with Tim Reynolds

Sitting at work, bored as usual.

I think it's soooo rude when people cannot even try to be considerate of other people. Like, is it funny to you to waste my time? I was given two bios to proof and I made edits and marks on them and then was told that they were already in their final format on the company website. DON'T GIVE ME THINGS TO PROOFREAD IF I AM NOT ALLOWED TO FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH THEM. Because I always will.

Work is so boring sometimes. Jeff made it more interesting for a day or two but now it's kind of frustrating because I realize the absolute moral consequences of my actions. So now it's a struggle to fight the attraction and the absolute joy of someone paying attention to me. That's a shame but it's the way it has to be.

I'm really glad I started taking the supplements and stopped taking the medications. I feel much better because I actually feel things again. It hurts, and some things make me cry, but I would so much rather feel a little pain and then be able to feel joy or even just calmness...just to be able to actually discern which emotions are real and not numbed is great. The drugs worked for awhile, and now we're going to go all-natural...including the pot.

"What ravages of spirit, conjure this temptuous rage. created you a monster, broken by the rules of love...and fate has led you through it, you do what you have to do...and fate has led you through it, you do what you have to do. And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go.

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul. I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire...the yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do. The yearning to be near you...I do what I have to do. And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go. I don't know how to let you go.

Glowing ember, burning hot, burning slow. Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of exisiting for only you....I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do. Oh I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do. And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go, I don't know how to let you go."

I'm standing on the bridge, I'm waiting in the dark, I though that you'd be here by now. There's nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground, I'm listening but there's no sound. Isn't anyone trying to find me, won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night, tryin to figure out this life, won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you.

I'm looking for a place, I'm searching for a face, is anybody here I know. Cuz nothing's going right, and everything's a mess, and no one wants to be alone. Isn't anyone tryin to find me, won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night, tryin to figure out this life, won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you.

Why is everything so confusing, maybe I'm just out of my mind. Yeah.

It's a damn cold night, tryin to figure out this life, won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you, take me by the hand, take me seomwhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you. Take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you.

Date:	2003-06-18 09:22
Subject:	and I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go...
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	Sarah McLachlan

So last night I watched When Harry Met Sally with my boyfriend and my best friend and it is still my favorite movie because it is still so incredibly truthful and honest.

Then Matt and I finally had sex for the first time in forever and it was very nice. But after it was over I just started crying. And I couldn't stop.

I cried for Brad, for the failure involved with him and for the failure he has become and for the failure our relationship became. I cried about being lonely and feeling like I have no one to talk to and be really intimate with on the romantic level. I cried because I hurt my ankle and I feel very tired and just want to have 24 hours of nothing so I can sleep and detox and relax. I cried because I am not in love, and no one is in love with me. I cried because I just wanted to be more free. I cried because I am worried about money. I cried because I was high and trying to look through the box with all of Brad's letters and pictures and stuff in it and it was making me miss him even more and it was sooooo good to see him again. I feel like when I look in that box I am almost spending time with him again.

It felt good to cry, But I wish I had 24 hours to recover. Back to work.

You know what, I really thought that because I had finally gotten my own apartment and I had a real boyfriend who really wanted me, that I would start having sex on a very regular basis.

This is not the case, and I am very unhappy about it.

Can you say sexually frustrated?