Aleesha's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Aleesha

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It reminds me of Beetlejuice [30 Sep 2004|09:52pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | HIM - Your Sweet 666 ]

Well my Blurty what the hell has happened to us? I don't really know where it ended. I just couldnt find the energy anymore. But i will write an entry now, to try and make up for my neglect.
At the moment i am talking to Ryan on MSN about the Punk Rock Hardcore scene in DC and what it's like. It's interesting and i am really curious about it. I really want to check it out. So yeah i'm getting first hand 411 about the scene ..
What else has been crackin in my world. The Great Depression Part 2:Aleesha's Depression. haha. What a barrell of laughs. I bought 6mill stretch gear and i did one ear, but i have to wait until it heals around the spike before i can put the tunnel in and do the other ear. So i'm just waiting and it sucks and yeah.
Ryan has gone all quite on me. Ok .. nows he's going. Depression.
Today is Thursday, the last Thursday of the holidays. Exciting. It's so awful. I don't want to go back to school. Torment. I have always said that i don't want to leave because i don't want to leave everyone. But that's not at all true. I barely have anyone. I mean, there is all the girls, but i don't relate to them well at all, and i know i wont miss them too much. I will miss seeing Sherie everyday, i will miss Jordan so fucking much it hurts already, and my Thomas. I will miss Daniella and Steph and Danielle W. I will miss Sash a fuck load as well. All in all though, i won't miss many. It will be miserable not going everyday to a place where work is optional and fun is definate. School really is the easy life, and i'm scared as anything to leave it. I'm holding on so tightly to school because i don't think i can handle the real world. School is the perfect place for me. I have just enough people who i hold dear to keep me sane and i have shitloads of fun people in general, just to chill with. It's easy, it's a routine. I can be me; the punk/hardcore/goth/alternative and i am excepted. I have my Jordy to get me through and get through it with. When i feel that its not good enough, i look at him and see that it doesnt matter what everyone thinks of my subculture, because it makes me happy. It makes me feel good and i feel centered when i am being me.
Then again, leaving means getting older. Getting older means being 18 and that means i can go to the O/18 shows!! YAY!! So it's not all bad.
Speaking of getting older, it's Sammys birthday tomorrow. I'm excited. She has always wanted a bag full of individually wrapped presents so this year, for her 20th, thats what i got her. In the bag there is:

Marilyn Manson - Holy Wood
Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar
Purple Tights with black spiders all over them
A rad leather bag with a little bat on it
A nightie with litttle comic strip scenes all over it .. it's fucking neat
A vintage looking top

So that's all folks. Think she will like it? I fucking hope so. I am so excited about it and if she doesnt like it the way i hope she does i'll be pretty dissapointed. That's nothing new though. All i seem to feel lately is down. It fucking sucks ass. I want my stretches to be done, i hate waiting around. They better fucking work, if the plug doesnt fit because she gave me the wrong size im going to fucking crack. I measured them and they seem ok. Who knows. I want ink! I want the tattoo Ben drew me! He said he would take me when i had the money, but i think i will wait a while. I don't know if i really do want the one he drew, and i figure i best wait until i find one that i cant do without before i get it on me. If i decide i dont want it AFTER i get, i'm fucked. I am going to wait until one jumps out at me and i would do anything to have it inked into my skin!!
I'm bored and it's 11pm. I should start drinking and drown my sorrows. Hah. What an alcoholic i resemble. I think i love Johno. Oh Lord, i think i do. It's bad, it's really bad. Because after Ben i am scared of Love and Loving someone. I am freaked out by commitment and relationships. I dont want that ever again, despite its beauty while its alive, its end left me totally fucked. I still am i fucking mess, but i disguise it well. Everyone always expects me to be so happy an energenic, and act like a fucking retard, so i do, even though i dont feel the way i act. I feel sad and supressed. I feel shit and i feel like a fucking fake. I cant let them know, i cannot let anyone know. If they know then they will get involved and just the fact that they know will kill me. So i act, everyday i act. And everyday it slowly destroys me a little more, trying to pretend.
Now i remember why i needed Blurty so much. There is no where i can say these things, and get out all the problems that consume me.

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brutally neglected blurty [04 Aug 2004|12:08pm]
[ mood | guilty ]
[ music | Triple J live ]

At school.

Bored.

Happy due to email from Ryan.

Listening to JJJ radio live on the net.

Got labret peirced.

Single.

Feel guilty for neglecting Blurty.

Will write in Blurty again.

Dry hands.

Fringe.

Had formal.

Miss Ben.

Lust Tom.

Love school.

Hate school.

Fought with mum.

Got suspended.

Got Melodyssey set list from their 30th July gig.

Got leaners details changed.

Had last social ever.

Cried.

Partied hard at Cedar Creek on Sat night.

Cried.

Work at pub.

Havent got tax file number.

Half wages.

Cried.

Ryan will be here in a month.

Cried.

Ryan sent me Coheed and Cambria shirt, cds, magazine.

Cried.

Doing youth depression as english and sos topic.

Love Larry.

Tom.

Life is grand.

Life sucks hardcore.

I love it.

I hate it.

I dont want to leave school.

I cant wait to leave school and go to schoolies.

Going to America next year.

Maybe.

Tom and Jordan going to America next year.

Texas.

Jordy is my best mate.

Shan.

I love Shan.

Confusion.

Write again soon.

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im a slack ass because .... [03 May 2004|06:17pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | The Simpsons ]

Oh yeah! The last entry had a subject about a slack ass and i was meant to write that i didnt write once in April .. but yeah got carried away about the Paris Hilton thing .. lol .. yeah ..

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im a slack ass .. but we met her .. [03 May 2004|06:05pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | LostProphets . Shinobi vs. Dragon Ninja ]

..

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im a slack ass .. but we met her .. [03 May 2004|04:57pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | LostProphets . Shinobi vs. Dragon Ninja ]

I didnt write once in April. That is like the slackest i have ever been! Oh well .. at least i have some goos shit to write about now.

Like meeting her ..
I have to write a journal entry again soon, so i will write it in here and then copy and paste it into my journal!

:: We were sitting outside the Kabab shop in Surfers on Saturday night, Nat, Kat, Emma, Bruce, Christian, Duane, Kylie and I. Our outside seating was right next to the road that leads to Caville Avenue. We had been talking about her all night because we knew she would be out and about on the town. We kept saying things like "Imagine if we did see her! Oh my .. what would you say?" but in the back of our minds, we all knew it was but a mere hope that she would be anywhere that we were. Not only was it highly unlikely, but it was virtually impossible that a few underage kids driving and walking around the coast and around the clubs that we couldnt enter would see her. Let alone meet her ....

As we anxiously watched every limousine that passed us, it began to dawn on us that it was simply a goal that we would never achieve. She was a only ever going to be a photo in a magazine or an image on our televisions. Unfortunate really, considering the group was made up of 5 girls who really considered her a gorgeous, amazing style icon and 4 guys who undoubtably saw her as the hottest woman on the planet right now and whose every fantasy was moulded around her.

More cars past and eventually we all thought about going home, it was getting late.

"THAT WAS PARIS HILTON" Screamed Emma, the youngest of our pals that night. She was pointing frantically at a silver VT commodore.

Emma was known as a bit of a story teller, a joker, so no one rushed to get up without questioning her first.

"Yeah sure thing Em .. whatever .." Replied a chorus of voices, unsure whether to believe her or not.

"IT WAS, I SWEAR! LEFT HAND SIDE OF THAT CAR, PUTTING ON MAKE UP, LIKE THIS .." She made a gesture that resembled someone applying powder to their nose.

It was then that i knew she wasnt lying. The urgecy in her voice made me heart beat fast, only to be made faster when Bruce announced

"SHE'S RIGHT, THAT WAS HER! I SAW HER!"

And Em and Bruce nodded at each other and swiftly moved from their seats onto the footpath running next to the road. Within a second, Nat was right their with them, holding Emma's hand. The three of them took off down the road, after the car. The rest of us got up feeling confused, excited and anxious and followed in the same direction. It was only seconds before i looked up and saw that Emma, Bruce and Nat were 100m metres ahead of us, if not more, and i could just see their heads bobbing up and down through the crowd.

When we caught up to them the atmosphere was unbelievable. I nearly choked on the buzz of excitement that was being emitted from everyone in a 100m radius.

"Where is she?" I asked emma and Nat.

"THERE SHE IS!" They responded pointing to where the notorius silver VT commodore that had caused so much fuss moments earlier was descending into the rush of cars on the road. In it's place stood Paris Hilton. Her posture was exquisite as she posed for a moment and took in her surroundings. I wasnt particulary close at this point but i noticed she was half glaring, half pouting, and the result was a look of power and prestige. Then she begin to walk toward the near by clubs. Well, not walk, strut.

Then i lost sight of her.

"Where is she??" I asked Nat.

"Right there!!" Replied Nat, pointing to a figure that was walking past me.

It was very strange, it may have been a result of all the comotion, but i wasnt convinced that the person Nat pointed out was her, because i could only see the side of the girls face. She was smoking a cigarette and as she drew on that smoke, she flicked her hair and looked over her shoulder in the direction i was standing. It was her, it was Paris Hilton. There was no denying from that point forward that it was the heiress herself. From that moment on everything was a blur. By the time i had worked out that it really was her i had lost Nat and Emma and the boys were out of control with excitement.

I glanced up to take another look at the sexy, famous women who was dressed in a pink dress made of satin, layered around the knees, and more than likely worth a discusting amount. She had it teamed with a pair of stunning diamonte high heels and her usual bleach blonde hair extensions. She looked amazing, just like in all the photos i had seen. Her skin and make up were emmaculate and oozed style. While i admired her beauty i noticed that she kept glancing over her shoulder and talking to some people behind her, some "fans". She was smiling at them but shaking her head. I then noticed something truley amazing .... She was talking to Nat and Emma!!!!!!!! I ran up behind them but had nothing to say, behing close enough to reach out and touch her was satisfying enough for me. Even if i had something to say though, there was no time because Emma was begging and pleading Paris to hug Brucey.

"Please! Please! Look he loves you to bits, he thinks your the hottest women ever! Please just one hug! PPPPLEAAASSEEE"

After a moment of silence where Paris seemed to be considering it, she glanced over to the rather large body gaurd who was next to her, giving her a stern look.

"I cant, im sorry. My boss wont let me." She smiled regretfully.

"Stuff your boss! Please its just one hug and he's my best friend, it will make him so happy!" Emma wasnt goign to give up. I was shocked she had said that but didnt say anything because it looked like Paris was weakening.

"Oh ok. Where is he? Bring him here." Paris said. It was amazing. This whole thing was absolutely amazing!

Emma ran to get Bruce and Paris ran to catch her friends who hadnt slowed to the same pace Paris had when she was talking to us. I was worried she was going to let Brucey down but when he reached her she had her arms outstretched for a quick hug. Bruce put one arm around her body and one arm in the air with a thumbs up while miming "yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh!"
From that moment on, Bruce was "The man" and he swore never to wash his jumper again.

After the hug she turned on her sparkly diamonte heels and walked line-free and entry fee-free into The Drink. ::

Ok ok! I know she is famous for nothing but we love her anyway! She is just so damn intriuging!

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if it were up to me i wouldnt have to miss you [31 Mar 2004|09:34pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Alkaline Trio . Another innocent girl ]

Why cant anyone see how much i'm hurting? Even when i try and tell someone it never comes out right and no one knows. It hurts so much to hurt and hurts even more when no one notices. I feel like everything is falling apart when nothing is actually wrong. Maybe thats why its so bad .. because its not around me and its not the world .. its inside me. The pain isnt eating into me, its eating its way from inside me .. from my mind and heart and soul .. eating its way out. And when it makes it to the surface, i'll be gone. Over. Finished. It makes me tired, and exhausted and gives me headaches. How can thoughts make me physically ill? I have so much going on inside my head .. so much.

I miss Ryan. I miss Ryan so much i want to cry. When i feel like there is nothing left to do and no where to turn, i think about him. Knowing that he is around .. well not around .. just ALIVE .. is reassurance. Makes me feel happier and gives me hope. I love Ben and he is the most important person in my life .. no one could replace him ever, but Ryan is like family. And i have bonds with my family that i dont have with anyone else. Family cannot be lost [[unless death]] they will never 'dump' you or 'stop being your friend' or ever stop loving you. Ben will one day stop loving me .. or leave me .. or something. Ryan will always be there for me, he will always be a little older and a little wiser and i respect him and his opinion more than anyone .. ANYONE else in the world. More than Ben .. More than my immediate family. If anything happened to him or if he stopped being there for me i would lose such an important source of hope and inspiration. I wish he was here now. I need him to remind me of the realities of life and that it is all going to be ok. Because i dont think it is. I dont think I am.

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I love everything we should fear [22 Mar 2004|04:37pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Lit . Miserable ]

I want to write a long entry but i have nothing to say. Um. Manda moo had a party on saturday night. It was a pritty rad night! Thank god she likes Punk and there was heaps of punk-rockers there, because otherwise it would have been r&b all around. But the saviour blessed us and we were .. blessed! It was a grand night, i had heaps of fun! Um. School sucks. I am not up to date with my assignments .. but what can you do? I mean, sure, i will regret it at O.P time .. but i have taken to living for the moment, and right now i dont want to do anything. What happens if i die just before the QCS and i hadnt had any fun ALL year because i was working my ass off. That would be pretty fucked, now wouldnt it. What a waste of valuable life that would be ..

I dont really know why im so bummed today. Tired .. tired of life .. just tired? I think i'll get bent when mum and dad leave later ..

Manda gave me heaps of cd's to burn yesterday. I was burning for nearly 4 hours last night. 4 hours. Jeez. But hey, i now have like 8 new cd's!! Hehehehe ....
I need a random peircing .. or tattoo! I always, ALWAYS feel better after i get some self mutilation. I want to make my stretches bigger but i cant because of school .. and i dont have a bigger stretch bar. When i leave school i think i will go to 6 or 8 mill. Hhmm .. i want a tattoo ..

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A Fire Inside [16 Mar 2004|08:07pm]
[ mood | artistic ]
[ music | afi . The Nephilim ]

Afi rock. They really do. And Davey has the raddest voice. But anyways ..
I wish i had artistic talent because then i could design a tattoo for me. Ben bought another tat book the other day and it has some really rad designs in it that i liked heaps. I might choose one of them but change bits and peices to personalise it. Who knows. But i want to decide soon so i can go and try my luck!

2 years and 1 day, thats how long i have been with Ben. I love him. I know its not going to last forever .. but if we do break up i think i will die. I will die one way or another. Either from a broken heart or because i cant remember how to be alive without him.

I dont know if that is good or bad. I love him so much and i am so used to being with him that it will kill me to be apart ..

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ReeRee [26 Feb 2004|06:25pm]
[ mood | thankful ]
[ music | Goldfinger . Superman ]

I love ReeRee. She is my hero. My guiding light when it's really dark and scary. My angel. I love her so much and sometimes something is wrong and she doesnt talk to me. And it hurts. She is my everything ..

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Did i mention it is hot [23 Feb 2004|05:47pm]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | Thursday . Jet black new year ]

It has been so hot. "They" recorded the first fatalities so far caused by the heat.

Ben met TBE on sat night, at the Waterloo. Just having beers with them. He rang me and told me all about it but didnt get me an autograph. Or something rad of their's. Or anything. He knows their my hero's and he knows i love their music and that it really reaches me. It means something to me. He did nothing about it. I felt really betrayed. He told me i wouldn't understand.
I cannot wait for their gig in April. They're playing with Melodysse and Japunga. It's going to go off.

There is a really nice, cool breeze comming through the window .. it's tickling my skin and whispering in my ear .. warning me about the storm that's on it's way. The dark clouds are building around my house, as if to say "we are going to rain on your house, and your house only". I love the way the wind whispers and howls all in one breath. If electrical storms weren't so dangerous and scary .. i think they would be thought of as the most beautiful image in the world.

My phone is ringing and i dont want to talk to the person on the other end, Its not that i dislike them, they just annoy the hell out of me .. and right now is my time with my music and the voices in my head :)

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Back in the day .. [19 Feb 2004|05:46pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Alkaline Trio . Cooking wine ]

This was the first Alkaline Trio song i ever heard. It was about 3 years ago, just when Ryan first moved to the States and he was online and said something like:
"Hey there is this really awesome band called Alkaline Trio .. download 'cooking wine', it's really cool"
.. Or something along those lines. So i downloaded it .. but wasnt really into this music then. Who would have known that 3 years on they are my favourite band hey ..

Oh the weird workings of the world :)

The day after my last journal entry i stayed home. I was in a shit mood. I felt shit mentally and physically. If anyone read that entry .. i just want to say sorry about the gun to the head shit. That was just a spur of the moment depressive outburst. I'm not going to do anything stupid .. i was just so drained and upset and angry. So yeah .. sorry d00ds.

Ok back to staying home .. i was having a boring, hot, assignments day when oh my gooooooooooooooooooooood .. RYAN RANG ME!! I nearly cried out of sheer happiness. He just rang to see how i was and to talk because i emailed him about the friend issue that was driving me mental. He wanted to make sure i was ok with it all and see if he could offer any advice.

I love him so much. One day i will change my name so i can say he is my real brother. I'm going to fill out surveys from now on and write "2 siblings: 1 sister - Sam. 1 brother - Ryan" ..

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emancipation .. [16 Feb 2004|09:36pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Osker . Panic ]

I think this is what it's like to feel emancipation .. either that or i am so fucked up that i have depression mistaken to be a good feeling. But fuck i feel good because i am almost at the stage of deleting her out of my life. The past few weeks she has caused so much fucking pain and agony inside my head .. she had me so fucked up at one stage i didnt know what the fuck was going on. Although it's changing .. she tried again .. tried to mess me up and make me cry .. tried to lay all her shit on me and fuck with my emotions and i wouldnt let her .. well .. not really .. not like in the past.
Two things could happen in the near future .. she could apologise and can tell her i dont want or need her in my life anymore .. or she can never talk to me again, which i would prefer because then i wont have to talk to her and tell her its over and we are no longer anything special. Which ever way .. i cant wait .. and thats why i feel so great .. or fucked up .. i still havent worked out which one i feel ..

One of her friends just called .. i want to put a fucking gun to my head ..

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party [15 Feb 2004|11:11am]
[ mood | lazy ]
[ music | Pennywise . Look what you are ]

Sherie had her party last night. It was pritty rad fun. I was a messy .. messy .. mess. I had an awesome time and i'm pretty certain all the girls did as well.
It was Valentines Day yesterday. It's me and Bens annerversary today. I basically haven't seen him yet. Sat morning i saw him and he picked me up from Ree's. That's it. Quite a poor effort if i've ever seen one lol.
Oh yay!! I got my hair cut yesterday .. feels so nice and light and looks good i think. It just looks so much better cause it has a bit of bounce and a bit of volume .. no longer looks like an animal crawled onto my head and died. I feel pretty damn good today ..
If only it weren't so hot.

Hmm i miss Ryan. We have been writing since he got back but today he sent me a really long mail and i love when he writes heaps. He is so smart. I love everything he says!!

I think i will go and do something creative. Like homework ..

or sleep ..

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oh how i missed blurty [11 Feb 2004|06:05pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | Afi . The great disappointment ]

I have indeed missed you oh blurty, so much. My computer has been at the computer doctor for fucking ages and it's been so crappy. I have so much to tell you ..
I cant really remember where i left off but i'll just take a wild stab in the dark and start from .. oh .. let's say .. ALKALINE TRIO AND THRICE CONCERT!! Fuccckkkk yeaaaah!! Oh me oh my it went off .. it was so fucking rad. Thrice put on the raddest show. They were wow. And Alkaline Trio .. wholly fuck .. oh fuck i love them!! Oh yer and i got the cutest little Alkaline Trio shirt. Dude i tell you .. i swear the people in the merch line had it mistaken for the pit. They were crazy!!

Hm what else .. OH OH OH OH OH OH .. IM STRETCHING MY EAR!! Whoo hoo fuck yes!! I'm planning on doing both my ears eventually but at the moment i only have a 3 mill stretch in my right ear. Eeeeeeee .. !!!! It's valentines day AND me and Ben's annerversary this weekend so he is buying me 2 stretch plugs as my pressie. Black plugs with stars on them i think. If not stars .. just black plugs .. rad rad rad RAD!!

Life is grand ..

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sleeeeepy .. [01 Feb 2004|04:48pm]
[ mood | recumbent ]
[ music | Boy sets fire . Last year's nest ]

What a weekend! I'm stuffed .. this afternoon i'm just going to start my journal, do some homework and sleep my brains away ....
oh, and dye my hair :)
Fri night i started bball back again and i played. I didnt want to but i did .. and i loved it! I had so much fun! Then Saturday it was the Logan Village sk8 comp so i went to watch and support the locals :P Ben didnt enter but it was a sweet as day and i got to hang out with Fill :D I got a tad sunburnt though .. i have a cherry red face..
Sat night .. SCOTTIE MULL'S PARTY!! yyyyyaaaaayyyyy. Oh me oh my i had the greatest time hey. There wasnt that many there but i was pritty gone and i knew almost everyone who came so i had the raddest time ever.
Today me and Ben and Lee went to the beach and went to see Di and yeah it was a rad day! I have had the best weekend .. ALKALINE TRIO/THRICE is next weekend .. eeeeeeeee!!
Peace out dudes and dudettes xx

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Blink (182) and i'll be gone .. [30 Jan 2004|04:44pm]
[ mood | hot ]
[ music | Marilyn Manson . SlutGarden ]

Eekk it's hot. I think my insides are melting! He he he he. Well school has started back (oh yay) but it hasnt been THAT bad. Dont get me wrong, i'm not loving it .. assignments and homework already .. but i think i will live. Knowing we only have one year left makes me feel so .. strange! I get happy and excited and scared and nervous and .. omg so many emotions!
Schoolies.com emailed me and i'm going to advertise them at school and get a schoolies 2004 T-shirt in return. That made feel excited again. I felt really happy for the frist time in a while. Makes me feel sick in the stomach thinking about it .. excited=sick lol.
We got a really cool English assignment, I remember the 12's from last year talking about it and they hated it but i'm really looking forward to it. We have to write a journal over this year and we can put anything we want in there .. only Mrs Pettiford reads it. I think it'll be really rad.
Oh yes .. BLINK and i'll be gone .. CAUSE I'M GOING TO THE BLINK 182 CONCERT!! Fuckkkk yeaahhh!! My beautiful Bossily (hehe) msg'd me last night and said her and Kat are going and asked me if i was keen .. oh i am!! So we got all booked and were set to go. It's gonna go off .. those guys are great.
I like feeling happy today .. it's such a relief ..

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Gonna be a blackout tonight [28 Jan 2004|04:27pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | NOFX . The idiots are taking over ]

Im not in control and im laughing because there is really nothing i can do. I have gone from uncontrollable shaking and crying and sobbing and stressing and depression and asking "why" to completely calm. It is strange .. maybe this is the stage before unexplainable human combustion.?
A wonderful thing happened today. I spent time with Ree-Ree .. wonderful in itself, that is not the wonderful thing lol. We saw Tom at the Grand Plaza and he said him and Jordan are going to Alkaline Trio. The happiness set in and i was calm. Maybe that is the reason why i'm smiling .. must be .. because everything is completely fucked up at the moment.
Except me and Ben. Thank God for that because if our realtionship turned bad that would be the final straw. I love him more than life itself ..

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fuckedfuckedfuckedfuckedfuckedfucked [27 Jan 2004|10:12pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Alkaline Trio . If we never go inside ]

I hate this life. I hate the way the human race thinks. I hate the fact that no matter how hard you try to do right, you are always told you are doing wrong. I hate getting headaches after crying. I hate crying. I hate admitting things that cut me so deep i wish i were dead. I love Alkaline Trio. I hate the fact that people know they are hurting me but wont stop. I hate when they smile because they like to hurt me. I hate that everyone i love hates each other. I hate confrentation. I hate silence at night. I hate the dark when im alone. I hate being alone when i need company. I hate this headache. I hate money and the fact you need it to be "happy". I hate hate hate HATE what i just said to Nat. I hate when i am selfish. I hate knowing i only have one more day of holidays. I hate being this tired and not wanting to sleep. I hate not having a book to read before i go to sleep. I hate being scared of the dark. I hate that everyone wants me to 'take sides' and i just want to live and be happy .. with everyone. I hate being ignored. I hate when Nat doesnt believe that i think she is beautiful. I hate not being beautiful. I hate having so much hate in my life at the moment..

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i cant remember .. [27 Jan 2004|04:30pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | Coheed and Cambria . Cuts marked in the march of men ]

Wow it has been so long since i updated Blurty that i cant remember what my last entry was. Was it weeks ago ..? Months ago ..? Meh who cares i can just talk shit lol say whats on my mind and yeah you know the deal.
Well first of all i am going to say a huge *YAY* because Mara sent me this Coheed&Cambria CD and i so overwhelmed to finally have it! I only just got it a few hours ago and its fucking awesome. They are unreal! What else has been happening .. eerrmm I GOT MY ALKALINE TRIO/THRICE ticket the other day FUCK YESSSSSS!! OMG OMG I CANT WAIT!! It's gunna go off big time .. i hope Fill comes as well or Jordan is going or something because i dont have anyone to go with yet :( Meh what can you do ..
Yadda yadda what else? Me and Stace talk now .. fancy smancy that! I would never have imagined it like a few months ago .. but she is ok these days and we get along just dandy .. la la .. it's so much better because there's no tension between the group and shit .. i feel i am doing a good thing!
So what other shit can i talk .. only 1 more day off until i have to go back to school .. not happy. I mean it should be awesome and we are gonna have the best year in the WORLD .. so we hope .. BUT ((there's always a but)) it's just the whole idea of going back to school that is the PITS. Meh meh meh meh .. oh, because i love teachers and i love to work and do homework and assignments and OP's and exams and oral presentations .. etc etc ..
I MUSN'T LET SCHOOL GET IN THE WAY OF MY SOCIAL LIFE
he he he he

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Lucas and Cat.p [15 Jan 2004|10:47pm]
[ mood | giggly ]
[ music | Bad religion . Sometimes i feel like ]

Lucas and Cat.p just left here. My and Lucas had a couple of Smirnoff vodka's .. from the 1125 bottle .. aleesha made, not pre-made :) he he he he
I love to see him, it's the first time we have seen him since he got out. Well he only got out 2 days ago. I'm so happy .. oh god i love him lol. Not like love "i want to be with him" hahahahaha .. just love like "he's my mate and i have missed him!" LOL i think you understand. He's awesome, i'm so happy he's home again .. i just hope no one gets him into shit .. fuck man, if someone fucks up his life and gets him put back in .. they'll be fucked. Actually they will be erased from humanity before i even reach them because Cat will have already attacked.

So yeah.

Ha ha ha ha oh dear i am quite a mess now. This computer is tripping me out LOL.

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blah [15 Jan 2004|11:35am]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | Brooks . Colour me bad ]

I just got an email from Ryan. He's back in the states and he's well and he got to fly business class home!! All i can do is smile when i get mail from him .. :) i miss him .. :S

But i am still stoked to hear from him, i have the biggest smile on my dial LOL.

Soooo. Yesterday Nat and Kat and I went to the coast for a swim but the weather was shit so we didnt stay long. Had a swim, ate lunch and went back to Nat's. Mmmm the water was sooo nice though. While we were at Bossie's watching movies .. Anton rang :O Yes Anton. I know. Crazy. So he said to Kat on the phone "Yeah i'm in Jimboomba i want to come and see you" so she freaked RIGHT out .. as you do .. and he came over in his sweet ass car that his mum bought him and meh.

Drama i tell you .. like in the movies.

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mind blank [12 Jan 2004|09:31am]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | No doubt . Bathwater ]

Hhmm. What to write about. Alot has happened but i just have to remember it all.
Thursday was a girls day out. I had so much fun. Me, Boss, Kat n Muffy. We went down the coast and didnt go see the boys cause it was strictly GIRLS DAY OUT. he he he he. We just swam and listened to music and had heaps of fun. Kat had to work at 4 so we took her there (just on time) then me, boss n muff went to boss's to get ready and go see HONEY. yay. It was pritty good, the acting was sorta average but the dancing was mint and the people were hott ;) Oh and they had the CUTEST little kiddos acting. I wanted one!!
Um the day after that .. Friday, I went back down the coast wif Leon, Scotty and Danny. We went for a swim and went to see my Manda!! OH SHE SO BEAUTIFUL!! :) I lub my mandy.

Wowee i'm tired. My eyes are all fat and puffy hahaha. It's a nice look.

->ciao

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gggrrr!!! [06 Jan 2004|10:20pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | Placebo . Pure morning ]

Im so pissed off right now. I'm not really sure why it fucken sucks. Just everything is getting on my nerves and i'm startin to get sick of being fucked around by my mates. Theyre not really that bad, just 1 or 2 who will remain nameless are fucking around and i'm .... aaaaaaarggggggggggghhh!!

*breathe*

yay for me because i went for a run today!! How motivated and fit of me!! It was really hot and i only got a few hundred metres .. but still .. i tried :) I felt good afterwards so i guess thats all that matters.

HURRAY THE PISSED-OFF-NESS IS GONE!! Im talking to my baby girl Alex and i might be seeing her tomorrow!!

The happiness sets in and i feel .. happy ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha :)

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sweet dreams [05 Jan 2004|08:10pm]
[ mood | pleased ]
[ music | silence ]

My mum bought me a new matress today to replace my shit old one that had a big indent where i sleep. I am stoked its so rad! It is straight with NO dints and its so soft! yaaaaayyyyyy!!!!

Me oh my i am talkin to my Manda and she can get her liscence THIS MONTH!! I love her .. i miss her .. i think i will go and see her this week.

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oh moreton [04 Jan 2004|09:19pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Nirvana . Lithium ]

Oh i am so happy. I am home from Moreton ..

.. and it was the best damn holiday i have ever had!!

I cannot believe it's beauty and the rad people and just everything. I did anything from sandboarding to eating pippi's!! They were really nice by-the-way!!

OH!! Sherie just msg my phone to say that Jamie called her .. they are going back to moreton for a day trip tomorrow .. they being Joal and Jamie. DARN we should have stayed for another day .. they are the greatest company!! I had soooooooooooooooo much fun .. we listened to alot of Nirvana .. this song makes me remember the greeeeaaaaaaaaaat times .. as do the Beach Boys, Jet and many other crazy songs ..

I met this other chick Rebecca .. Becca .. she was cool to. Lots n lots of fun. I cant wait to see all these people again :)

Peace out .. long live Moreton.

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It's tomorrow!! [28 Dec 2003|09:37pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | Nufan . Straight from the jacket ]

IM GOING TO MORETON TOMORROW.

TOMORROW!!

FUCK YESSSS!!

This is awesome .. unreal .. fucking great!!

I CANT WAIT TO SEE REE-REE!!!!

omg .. i wont sleep tonight .. im so .. ARRRRGHHH!!

yay!!!!

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Pennywise - Yesterdays [24 Dec 2003|08:39pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | NOFX . Dinosaurs will die ]

Up from the ashes and over the hill
We knew more than we ever will
Back when the days passed by so slow
And now we'll never know
That sense that tomorrow was far away
And our dreams they never fade
We never thought the good times could end
Can we go back to those days - When everything was simple then?
And nothing could ever change
Can we go back to those days - We didn't have a care at all
I wish I could remain - Back in yesterdays
Pictures of another place and time
They seem like scenes from a diffrent life
We didn't notice as the days went past
We knew it couldn't last
But looking back I wouldn't change a thing
The memories shared they'll always stay with me
We never thought the good times would end

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Lucas [24 Dec 2003|06:55pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Pennywise . Yesterdays ]

We went to see Lucas today, this afternoon. It always makes me feel all messed up inside when we go and visit. I dont really know why. This song doesnt help hey. It makes me so sad. It reminds me how fucked up everything has gotton this year and how i wish things could go back to how they were a few months ago .. or well, at the end of last year/start of this year. So much has happened and although my life is good, very good, i cant help but wish it were different. It so fucked .. it really hurts when i think about everything. In one year i have managed to make .. and lose .. some of the funnest and favourite friends i have ever had.
The part the cuts me up the most is that i have lost them to drugs and new "friends" who conveniently have good drugs. It fucken sucks .. and hurts like hell too.

I could go on forever about all the things on my mind that make me feel depressed but i will stop and spare you the torment.

Time to go. Merry christmas to you all for tomorrow.

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Useless information [23 Dec 2003|10:12pm]
[ mood | hot ]
[ music | Coheed and Cambria . Time Consumer ]

1)What's the middle name of first person you slept with? Gregory
2) What kind of underwear are you wearing, and what color are they? Black "cocktail" ones. From Big W :)
3) What song do you want played at your funeral? Lo-tel - Teenager of the year. Pennywise - Yesterdays. (These are not definite .. i cant think of every good song i would want at the moment!!)
4) What is the number of your sluttiest friend so that some of your single friends can get some action? Sorry, cause if one of their GOOD friends read this i will get into shit hahahaha.
5) What would your last meal be before being executed? Oh gosh i could never chose ONE meal.
6) Beatles or Stones? Stones
7) If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be? I dont want anyone to die! Extreme tormenting pain would do.
8) The person whose problems you wouldn't want to hear? My own!
9) What is the thing most important to you about the preferred sex? Trust.
10) Do you secretly hate some of your friends but are too nice to reject them? They wouldnt be my friends if i hated them, jeez!
11) If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Move things with my mind!
12) Favorite hangover cure? Water & Sleep!
13) How many drinks does it take to get you drunk? Depends on the day. Sometimes a decent amount, sometimes it's just a poor effort!
14) Favorite Outkast lyric? I dont any?
15) Hair color you most like someone you're dating to have? Hair colour matters?
16) If you had to be blind or deaf, which would you choose? NEITHER! I wouldnt chose!
17) Do you have any psychiatric problems? Not that have been diagnosed.
18) Siblings that should go to rehab? Nope.
19) Least favorite month? I dont really have a least favourite.
20) Favorite hateful thing to do to somebody? Just be a bitch to them.
21) First movie you remember seeing as a kid? My little pony or secret pony or something?
22) Favorite person in the whole world? Chipper!
23) When's the last time you went on a date? My boyfriend is a bit .. slack .. (he admits it!)
24) Do you like violent movies or dirty movies? Either either.
25) Fall or spring? Spring!
26) Person you most wish you hadn't made out with? Aj
27) If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with? Ree Ree!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ..
28) Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle? Near the beach .. with my old and brittle soulmate.
29) Who is the person you can count on the most? Chipper or Ree Ree.
30) If you could date any celebrity, past or present, time and age are not a factor, who would it be? Clint Boge!! Or Elvis (when he was young and spunky)
31) What books have you pretended to read? I dont pretend .. i READ.
32) What's a word you'd use to describe your life? Good
33) What's your favorite drinking game? We never play drinking games :(
34) What did you dream about last night? Steph (Ould .. or whatever) hugging Ben, ggrrrr!! Oh, and .. that war broke out and my dog got shot and died :'(

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the nothing day [23 Dec 2003|09:48pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | Rancid . Red hot moon ]

I had a nothing day.

yay.

I am so so sleepy it hurts my eyes.

Bye.

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Bad religion - I love my computer [21 Dec 2003|11:24pm]
[ mood | lazy ]
[ music | Gomez . Buena Vista ]

I love my computer
You make me feel alright
Every waking hour
and every lonely night
I love my computer
for all you give to me:
predictable errors and no identity
And it's never been quite so easy
I've never been quite so happy
All I need to do is click on you
and we'll be joined
in the most soul-less way
And we'll never ruin each other's day
'cuz when I'm through I just click
and you just go away
I love my computer
you're always in the mood
I get so turned on
when I turn on you
I love my computer
you never ask for more
You can be a princess
or you can be my whore
And it's never been quite so easy
I've never been quite so happy
The world outside is so big
but it's safe in my domain
Because to you
I'm just a number
and a clever screen name
All I need to do is click on you
and we'll be together for eternity
And no one is ever gonna take my love
from me because I've got security
her password and a key

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Begins here [21 Dec 2003|10:24pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | The butterfly effect . Crave ]

Ben bought me The butterfly effect "Begins here". It's rad .. so good. Oh me oh my i love it.

Oh i have brown hair again! yay! Move over shit blonde cause my signature shade is back!

I have had a wonderful weekend.

ciao

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boredem [19 Dec 2003|12:11pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Korn . Freak on a leash ]

So bored. One person online and i dont ever talk to them anyway. Oh the fun.
Moreton is official. yay!! I have an arrival date and everything. I can't wait. It's gonna be so rad.

2 more people just came online. I dont talk to either of them. I need to start deleting some contacts! I dont even know who these people are. Meh.

I have a headache.

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Leon is at my house .. yay [17 Dec 2003|10:52pm]
[ mood | silly ]
[ music | Coheed and Cambria . Delirium trigger ]

Yay for Coheed and Cambria. I didnt know of them before today and Mara (my sweet Mara) showed them to me. I bought their 1st albumn and i love it so much!! Me and Maramara went to the city today and had a glorious time :D It was truley wonderful .. he he he he.

By the way, Leon is at my house at the moment and reading this entry .. everybody say hi leon ..

"Hi Leon"

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5-midnight [16 Dec 2003|08:31pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | Marilyn Manson . (S)aint ]

I have been so slack. 3 days have passed since 5-12 and i am yet to write about it. Well, this is it:

We arrived while The Bumblebeez were playing. I havent ever heard them but they were really rad. Gave me the strange urge to dance in an abnormal way. Real energy music. I might look into buying some of their stuff.

The butterfly effect. Oh dude. Unfuckingbelievable. I made it to the sweet second row. Speechless. It was .. magickal? I cant really explain it but they have gone from a great band that i liked alot to .. an obsession. It was brilliant and Clint .. oh Clint Boge is beautiful .. exquisite. Ben and matt spoke to Clint afterwards and he told them that they were tired of just going on stage and playing their music .. they really want to be performer's now .. it makes me love them so much more to hear that ..

Magic dirt played after. I havent ever heard their stuff either .. i wasnt really into it and only saw a bit of it but the lead chick seemed to go off alright .. Kat and I met some rad dudes at the start and one of them informed us that Magic dirt's leading lady was every guys rock fantasy. Ha ha ha ha

1200 techniques were great!! They really got the crowd involved and everyone seemed to love it!! I was so impressed .. good on em!

My 4th row effort in Grinspoon didnt last long. I got to the front (4th) and the MILLI-SECOND they started playing i had to get more toward the back. They opened with Champion and the crowd went fucking skitz. It was so rough and kinda scary .. so i made my exit - mosh right - and headed to an area not so infested by mosh-crazed-physc's lol. So, when all was peachy and i was safe again it went off!! They played all the classic's and the favourites and Leeshy was MORE than satisfied.

The whole atmosphere associated with the afternoon/night was awesome. I felt great just being there .. the set-up of the area was cool as. I wanted a TBE shirt but didnt have enough money, Ben would have borrowed me some except I didnt find him until the end. By that stage we were OUT of the fence .. and the shit security wouldnt let me back in .. i was so dissapointed. Tears burnt my eyes .. if they hadnt been so perfect on stage it wouldnt have been so important to me ..

oh well, i still worship them :D

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"This is the baby? Oh she is magnificent!" [16 Dec 2003|06:47pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | AFI . Bleed black ]

Today I met the doctor who delivered me. It was so strange, left me feeling all emotional and weird. His name is one that i can't spell, an african/dutch name .. i dont want to insult him by spelling it wrong .. so i wont put it in here. Thats not important anyway .. what a calm and wonderful man. He said i was magnificent, lovely, had a beautiful smile. No one has ever told me i was magnificent before .. it was really special. Mum says that is his specialty .. making people feel one in a million. I know which doctor i will call when it's parent-hood time.

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he .. he .. he .. he [12 Dec 2003|10:53pm]
[ mood | high ]
[ music | The White Stripes . In the cold, cold night ]

I just got home from meeting some of Lee's "trippy" mates and yeah .. i needed an alibi, somwhere or something to keep me away from my parents who happen to be putting up the christmas tree .. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

oh what a nice family gathering .. :D

Hehehehehehe .. ha ha.. ok sorry. Oh fuck fuck Ben is staring at me and i dont know what to do. Just staring .. im spinning out hahahaha .. haha ..

He's laughing at me .. well not laughing .. just smirking .. it's annoying .. :D

Oh dear they want my help to go fluff out the chrissie tree .. sorry fella's .. not tonight.

YAY!! 5 - midnight is TOMORROW!! Woo Hoo Rock on!! Fuck yeah that's great!!

IM GOING TO MORETON .. WHOLLY FUCK YES!!!!

Shit so much going on .. we saw Noume today .. and spoke to him .. HURRAY AGAIN ..

We passed a resturant today called "RYAN'S" .. oh Ryan .. i miss you being around already.

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no ones online [12 Dec 2003|01:55am]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | Grinspoon . More than you are ]

Ryan just left my place a few minutes ago. We went to see a movie, Scary movie 3. Crazy, absolutely crazy. I thought it would be funnier but it definately had it's great moments. 6/10 i think.
Tonight was the last time i will see him for a long while. He goes back to the states tomorrow :(

.. i'm crushed ..

It feels like a big warm security blanket has been wrapped around me the past 6 weeks because he has been a phone call and a 40 minute drive away. Simply knowing that filled me with pure happiness. Real happiness .. i would smile at the thought of it. Know i have tears burning at my eyes because reality is kicking in that i cant just call him .. or go see him .. we cant just hang out again for .. years?? Years. Fuck ..

He is the most real person i have ever known. I love the way he talks, the way he describes and explains what he's thinking. I love what he thinks. His mind is brilliant. I can have a conversation with him that i cant have with anyone else i know because they dont see the world the way he does. I can relate to the way he thinks and veiws everything .. it's so rad. He would think all this writing is bullshit hahahaha .. thinking about his reaction to reading this makes me laugh.
We can still keep in touch like we did the first time around .. constant e-mails .. family and weather updates .. all the usual .. but im going to miss being with him, in the same room or car or whatever. I remember how cool it is to be with him now that i have been reminded.

I guess this is what it feels like to have a brother come home from years of being away overseas .. My big brother Ryan ..

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good times .. [11 Dec 2003|04:20pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | Everclear . Santa Monica ]

I am at Kat's. She has just gone to take a shower because her and Coopa are going shopping soon. I will go home soon as well, then to basketball. Me and Coopa sit here .. in Kat's room .. silence ..

.. Ha ha ha ha ..

I've had a good day. Me and Kat have had the greatest talks about everything. Oh Coopa just spoke, lol, he is such a nice boy! I like him and i love that he looks after my Kat. He's gone to get a drink ..

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Shehad - Walls [10 Dec 2003|11:14pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | The butterfly effect . Black lung ]

For Maui ..

On your own today
lost with no direction
they took your dreams away
and stripped you of protection
but there's a light that won't burn out
when your heart is screaming out
is screaming

it doesn't matter where you are
there is life behind the walls around you
it doesn't matter where you start
won't be long, won't be long until
the walls around you are gone

on my own again
with open invitations and the world i'm in
is such a new sensation
but there's a light that won't burn out
if your heart begins to doubt

it doesn't matter where you are
there is life behind that walls around you
it doesn't matter where you start
it won't be long, won't be long until
the walls around you are gone

maybe a path to glory
it maybe a road to dust
it maybe there's one great story in all of us
in all of us, yeah

on your own today
lost with no direction
they took your dreams away
and stripped you of protection
but there's a light that won't burn out
when your heart is screaming out
is screaming

it doesn't matter where you are
there is life behind the walls around you
it doesn't matter where you start
it won't be long, won't be long until
the walls around you are gone

(cos when the walls are closing in)
(another day begins)
(as the last flame flickers out)
cos there's something good in us
(cos when the walls are closing in)
(another day begins)
(as the last flame flickers out)
cos there's something good in us
(cos when the walls are closing in)
(another day begins)
there must be something beautiful in us
cos there's something good in us
(cos when the walls are closing in)
(another day begins)
there must be something beautiful in us

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From flying high to crashing and burning .. in a matter of seconds .. [10 Dec 2003|11:01pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Alkaline trio . All on black ]

I miss Maui .. i was talking to Elle about dancing and parties and good times and something in me snapped. Thinking about dancing the nights away with him .. the fun .. some of the greatest times of my life .. all my friends around me .. laughing .. dancing .. feeling rad .. he was there ..

.. Now he's gone ..

.. And it hurts ..

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puffy lids and the heavyness dream [10 Dec 2003|10:31pm]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | Rancid . Out of control ]

He he he he im so fucken drowzy! Benny went to bed before and i wasnt tired so i jump on here and .. whoa .. my eyes are bearly open. They hurt .. i laugh cause there is nothing else to do ..

.. Except talk to Ellen ..

She is great .. rad .. i love her .. we are talking so much shit and it's like one big giggle-while-talking-shit-fest! She is one very funny girl .. very very funny .. :D

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oh c'mon blurty! [10 Dec 2003|04:11pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Sevendust . Praise ]

Im am very sleepy at the moment. That's ok though, except when blurty wont sign in. I hope this entry works .. none of the other parts of blurty will work today!
Last night i stayed at Benny's. I like going there alot because i never do! He stays here every second night and every day and night over the weekend because all our mates live in my area. So when i go to his place it's like an adventure and a rad little sleepover he he he he. We drove into the Valley to get his tattoo finished (my birthday present to him) yesterday arvo but the dudes were just closing up there shop. It was fucked .. we had organised for it to all happen then and there! It's all good because we will go back friday arvo so it will be done for Saturday arvo ..
FIVE TILL MIDNIGHT. Hurray! It's this Saturday .. The Butterfly effect :D Grinspoon :o) .. oh how fantastic .. what a rad time i will have! It's gonna be unreal. Woo hoo. I can wear the shirt i bought today, oh i can! It's a shirt from the boys/ kids section of just jeans. Brown and stripy, buttons .. collar .. its very nice! Not the icky coast clubbing look (homosexual ; in other words) .. it is nice and vintage looking. I am mighty PLEASED ;)

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oh looky here [08 Dec 2003|10:59pm]
[ mood | devious ]
[ music | jjj radio ]

PENNYWISE GIG

The Arena Ent Complex
Only available at this performance time:
Sat 3 Jan 04 7pm - 11pm

Ticket pricing at The Arena Ent Complex, QLD
All Ages ticket $46.70
Adult ticket (over 18's) $46.70

.. now i just need to scam a ticket .. he he he he .. christmas is mighty close, is it not?? ..

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just like the proverbial cat .. [08 Dec 2003|09:31am]
[ mood | pleased ]
[ music | AFI . Death of seasons ]

Everything is good again. I knew it would be despite my hissy fit entries. Ben came home, untouched .. still all mine .. and i am just like the proverbial cat that swallowed the bowl of fresh cream. Satisfied. ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA.
I dont like hospitals. We went to see Di today and just being there gave me the shivers. I swear if death had a scent .. the smell of a hospital would be it. Nothing gruesome .. not a rancid smell .. just a cleaness and old people mixed with utensils they stick in veins kinda smell. Clean. Very clean. Thats whats so fucken awful about it.

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another love i would abuse .. no circumstances could excuse [07 Dec 2003|12:39pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Placebo . Every you every me ]

Placebo lyrics make me feel. Alot of bands lyrics do it .. but at the moment .. something about this makes me feel so many things .. all my thoughts/feelings get stirred up and irritated .. but it feels good .. it kind of hurts .. but i like this sort of pain .. until i cry .. that comes after the joural entries .. after the computer gets switched off .. it comes when i cant turn off my bedroom light because i am scared of being so alone in the dark. I want my baby here .. with me, holding me tight and making the dark so bright and beautiful simply by being here. I dont want him to be away dancing and drinking with everyone but me .. it cuts me so deep that i cant have him all to myself now .. im over the guilt and anger from before .. now im just paining and wanting .. needing ..

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