Lonely and Luvin It's journal

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Monday, March 13th, 2006
8:29 pm - what i would like to tell james
you hurt me. not because you won't go out with me. i got over that a while ago. you hurt me cuz you judged me without know the facts. i have slept with 4 guys and one girl. i knew all of the guys at least 2 years before i slept with them and there was always an emotional connection. you think that my sex history is bad, but you never bothered to ask. i just want you to know that i would have accepted it as final if you would have said that you weren't attracted to me or anything like that but you didn't. you admitted to rachel that you knew that you were missing out on a something good but you just couldn't jump that hurdle. that hurdle is not real, you only imagine it cuz you already judged me and didn't bother to ask what would have made it better. i thought that you were my friend so you would understand that i build walls and i left the door unlocked for you, but you never got that. i just want you to know that im not mad, i am hurt. i felt like i had a chance but it was unfairly ripped away. i will continue to feel hurt for a bit, but i would still like to remain friends. i just want you to know that you should find out all the facts before you judge.

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Monday, January 16th, 2006
8:10 pm - major confession time
i broke down and cried like a baby tonight. i cried like i was young and stupid and needed to be saved from all of the stupid men. i went out and hung out with an old crush of mine and when i came back i felt stupid and fat. not so much stupid stupid but stupid because i was so fat and i tried to flirt. then when i got home, i skipped eating and hopped right on my stationary bike. then i had to hop right off cuz my dog was biting at my feet and i got so stressed out that it wasn't even funny. so then my mom came home and i started crying like a baby. i decided that i was tired of hiding behind my extra weight and that i wanted to become a thinner me so that i could have more options. i was called pretty, well, youthfully pretty, but i feel like if i lost weight i could not only be pretty but i could be sexy and gorgeous and feel good about myself, at least good enough about myself that if i felt like people were talking bad about me i wouldn't want to crawl back into a hole. well, im gonna go look up crap for bariatric surgery, so wish me luck.

current mood: crushed

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Sunday, January 15th, 2006
12:25 pm - everybody has problems . . . preparation h.
so i start school on wednesday. i still don't want to talk to people or make new friends but i guess i might have to cuz sarah might not give me a choice. sooooooooooo. well, i might start a new blog cuz i hear you can do one on yahoo but that is still up in the air as yet. i have this one and i kinda like this one. its the real me. not the imagined me or the me that should be, it is who i truly am. i thought a bout deleting an entry cuz it wasn't me anymore but i realized that i am an amalgam of all my parts and i don't have to excuse myself for it. my uterus opened up and spill forth evil from my vagina. i also added another person to my duck behind aisles in a supermarket list. that was fun. or not. whatever. i am reading a book by rosie odonnell and it makes me feel more real to read it. its going on my list of favorite books now. do you ever feel like you are gonna be rundown a exhausted after you start something new? well, i haven't started something new yet and my body is already rundown and exhausted. im beginning to wonder if my body realizes the stress i am gonna put it under and is rejecting me before i even start. i just know that this kind of stress will send me into a depression and i have all accoutremants ready and eaiting to pull me out of it. im just glad that i got rid of my codependant relationship a long time ago cuz now i am ready to face the world on my own and i don't have to lie to myself and say that i need him cuz i really don't. so im good now, and im gonna go.

current mood: depressed
current music: white oleander

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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
11:16 am - crap on my life
do you ever wake up in the morning and look at yourself and think im the kind of fat that will never get married or have a boyfriend or even sex anymore. its not even that, its that i am not happy in my body anymore. i got ok with my body and the i got fatter. its the endless cycle and i think i need to stop it but then i look at myself and think that it is hopeless. i guess im gonna give up the hope of ever being thin or desirable or sexy cuz when i do a come hither look its just pathetic. i guess i am gonna try to become healthy and then see how it goes from there. wish me luck.

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Friday, December 30th, 2005
2:36 pm - oh what questions i would ask
so the unfortunate part of my life is the fact that i am in fact signed up for like 3 meet someone new type of site and they are really beginning to disturb me. some aren't so bad but others really suck and i must say that none really asks the kind of quetions that i really want to know that answer to to find guys to talk with not that i actually will if i find one that intersts me, but in the end i want a site thats asks the importants questions. the questions that everyone should know the answer to to make an informed decision. so here is my list of questions that if i made a web site to meet people this would be in the questions to make a profile:

boxers or briefs?
what is your dream car?
do you consider any kind of car sexy? which one?
picture of your dream partner?
sex fantasy?
do you eat breakfast in the morning?
how do you take your coffee?
what is the last book that you read?
favorite movie?
soundtrack to your life (14 songs that describe your life)?
list of celebrities you would think of screwing (3-5)?
number of times you look in the mirror before you leave the house in the morning?
how long do you spend in the shower?
who do you want to be?
are you happy?

ok so i know that there are probly more to come, but i can't think of any now. i just want to say that in the end i don't want to spend two more years on something that should have ended after one month.

current mood: contemplative
current music: gilmore girls episode

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11:48 am - get tina with the free
i just found out that you can download songs from amazon.com. not all songs and most of which i have never heard of before, but this way i can analyze haveing a cd of rock in spanish. or downloading a complete list of meditation or celtic music. now i don't really like music all that much, but hey its free so don't knock it.

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Monday, November 28th, 2005
11:10 am - 43 goals and ambitions
i found a website for people who want to do, try, or accomplish 43 new things. and since i have wanted to do so many things for so long, i joined and decided to limit my goals to 43. at first i thought that it was a lot but then i started naming them and then i had to pair down my list and take things off. i got some ideas from the site but most of them are my own so while i kept the more ambitious ones on my list i decided to do some of the other ones just for fun or something like that and not make them a goal. for example i decided that i will tell people that door hinge and orange sorta rhyme but i wont make it my goal in life to make that well known. makes sense right, not really but i am tina so its ok, i can do that. so here for future record it my list of wacky goals and ambitions.

1. read a lot of classic novels
2. take up yoga
3. have better posture
4. learn to belly dance
5. become fluent in spanish
6. learn to surf
7. milk a cow or goat
8. make home made cheese
9. learn how to drive a stick shift
10. use a new word every day for a whole year
11. learn to skate board
12. make a quilt
13. go on a road trip with no predetermined destination
14. skinny dip
15. embroider a tapestry
16. go on a cruise
17. watch all the movies and read all of the books referenced on gilmore girls
18. see the statue of liberty
19. rebuild an engine
20. learn to throw pottery
21. visit all 50 states
22. learn to ballroom dance
23. read the complete works of shakespeare
24. increase my typing speed (80-100 cwpms)
25. watch imdb.coms list of the 100 worst movies
26. sponser a child
27. paint a mural
28. hook a rug
29. loose 100 pounds
30. watch the worst 80s movies
31. visit avonlea
32. ride a camel and/or elephant
33. stand on the four corners
34. create a sanctuary
35. keep a journal
36. build a couch
37. write the great american novel
38. make a traditional several course meal
39. learn the aristocracy
40. learn to play bridge
41. go to a broadway play
42. build a computer
43. go to more musems

current mood: artistic

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Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
9:16 pm - earth girls are easy
3 words: comedy musical sci-fi

ok so most of yall are thinking what in the hell is she talking about. well the ones that truly know me know that i can't even sit through a movie anymore cuz i have such a short attention span. well i have now figured out that there is a very small section of videos that i can actually watch all the way but they have to be very specific videos. ok these are the videos that i can stand. they have to be crappy movies from the 80s. and i mean things that people watch and say wow i wish i could get that hour and a half back or i think i just lost brain cells watching this. they are the ones that you laugh at and poke fun of and they aren't even making a joke at the time.

ok so now what i started out with. i want to watch "earth girls are easy" now why i actually want to watch it im not sure. maybe cuz it have a love thing between geena davis and jeff goldblum. or is it the fact that they make over aliens and they turn me on. or it could be the creepy music. all i know is that i have to see that movie.

current mood: bouncy
current music: baba oriely

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Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
12:01 pm - i feel violated
i know that most people wouldn't use the same words as me but i just get so upset. omg, i am turning into my mother. some guy came over today that is some kind of official mail type person and told me that they wouldn't be delivering our mail to our house if our dog was out. i dont think that is right. we pay our taxes why shouldn't we get our mail? i could understand more if our dog was kujo, but shes not, she is gentle and kind and is afraid of people and would never bite them. i am so pissed of it is not right. i don't care how much they think that they have rights i think that our mail man is just being lazy and i don't like it. if they are gonna tell me to keep my dog inside or chained up the least that they could do is tell me when the mail is going to be here so that i can put her inside for that amount of time. that made me so up set that i actually fell like crying. ok, well im done bitching now, bye.

current mood: rejected

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Friday, October 14th, 2005
4:41 pm - there is somebody waiting for me out in the rain
http://www.warnerreprise.com/asx/bonniemckee_somebodyrevised_450-v.asx

go there. its a bonny mckee music video. i want my hair to look like her's in this video.

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Monday, October 10th, 2005
8:24 pm - a special kind of poverty
now i am gonna take another wack at being out spoken and all those things that i am. i just finished reading an article about infertility and the poor to which i have to say it was kinda pointless. i only describe as a feeling like just jumping into a bottomless pit and the whole way down going through a fire that is burning you. you feel bad and you would really like it to go away but there is nothing really that you can do. if you lobby to have the government provide infertility treatments for the poor, then taxes will be raised and then you will have even poorer people on your hands and at a certain point, i don't care how nice and responsible you are, if you can't even support yourself then why should you be having kids and if you have to infertility treatments to have kids then you can't say oops. its one of those subjects that you just have to say wow that sucks and move on cuz there are worse things going on out in the world. like the fact that bush is in office. ok wow, just kidding about that last part. but worse things like the hurricane the tsunami things we can help. i while i have the fact that i just insulted bush fresh in your minds, im just gonna say that whole thing with iraq was another thing where we should have just said gee that sucks and moved on. ok, while i still have my independence, ill go.

current mood: groggy
current music: good enough- sarah mclachlan

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4:27 pm - the whale and the antibody
today i worked on an assignment for my speech class cuz its due tomorrow and i haven't started it yet. so we were supposed to read 3 articles off of a specific list and then email our thoughts to the professor and so first i had the hardest time time picking 3 of them cuz they were boring and long but i did pick out my 3. one of the ones that i picked was about the effect of bellydancing on infertility. it was kinda creepy and i haven't finished it yet but im not gonna start belly dancing anytime soon. the one that i really wanted to talk about it something that i don't even know how to begin to explain. its about the attorney general in kansas was trying to get the abortion records of about 90 "women" from two different clinics and they were fighting it cuz of the right to privacy. at first look i will always say that right of privacy when having an abortion is always 100%. the the attorney general said that he just wanted the records of "women" that were 10, 11, and 12. and in kansas if you have sex with a girl that is younger than 12, it is a sex crime. i whole hartedly agree with that last part. i believe that a child has to at least be 13 to decide if she is ready for sex or not. then again i probly won't be a good parent. im not really sure about any of that anymore. but i still have a hard time trying to accept rejecting someone's privacy through abortion records. if the child was raped, wouldn't they report it, and if they didn't report it then it is their perogative. i know that i sound cold and unfeeling but take it from someone the was raped a couple of times, deciding to report it or not is each person's personal decision and i never want to hear of someone being criticized for not reporting a sex crime. and this was rather recent, at least is was in 2005 which is more than i can say about a lot of other things. ok, im done complaining.

current mood: busy
current music: the middle- jimmy eat world.

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Thursday, October 6th, 2005
4:49 pm - what did i miss?
ok so i was looking at feminist tshirts today. don't ask why, reasons have never been my strong suit. so i was looking at them and i noticed that there was a lot of gay pride stuff. now i understand why my uncle was confused that my feminist english teacher was getting married. my bad, i didn't realize that feminists wanted to make it easier for ignorant people to make the connection.

current mood: contemplative
current music: fix you- cold play

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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
3:48 pm - where are all the eligible men?
i have been searching the yahoo profiles for a man between the ages of 30 and 50 that is single in california with a picture and i have come up with one pathetic fact. there aren't many out there single after the age of 30 and the ones that are left you have to wonder about. i mean, ya, i have found the man of my dreams a couple of times, but then i realize that eee gad this man is gay. i guess what they say is true, they are all either gay or taken. the ones that aren't gay are either too into sex and getting sex and sex is the only thing on their brain and the others creep me out a bit. i have found one or two, but how do you rationalize iming someyou have never met and saying: hi, i am a 19 year old girl that lives out in the middle of nowhere and i am looking for my special guy that is over thirty and smart and great and perfect and while i look kinda like shamu now, i plan on having bariatric surgery soon and then i will be a thin pathetic girl looking for an older man to share my hatred of man and tv and books. oh and no, dinner and a movie for our first date isn't an option cuz i can't eat in public cuz i had my stomach stapled and i don't want to retch, and i also don't have the attention span to watch a whole movie, great thanks.

current mood: curious
current music: you learn- alanis morissette

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Monday, October 3rd, 2005
12:40 pm - happiness is how you percieve it
i have been thinking a lot lately about the kind of guy i would be interested in and i have pretty much come up with the kind of guy that i would like to be with. he will be between the ages of 28 and 44. working at a job that requires him to either wear a uniform like in the military or a cop or a ranger or something like that or he would have to wear suits. he would perfer to walk around in boxers and a wife beater when we are alone. he must find people stupid or something like that. be able to keep up with my sex drive. understand my jokes and sense of humor. bowl and play pool cuz i love to do those things but at the same time understand that i like to bowl cuz i am so bad at it and i like to play pool just to contort myself into wierd positions to poke the ball. answer my wierd questions. and most importantly, the guy of my dreams will love me for me.

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Friday, September 30th, 2005
10:40 am - my perfect person
if i ever meet someone that thinks that babe had a hard time learning his lines, im never gonna let them go.

current mood: cheerful
current music: 100 years

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1:16 am - do people ever grow up?
i am 19 years old, i dated someone that was 15 years old. im not a pervert or some kind of sex feind or anything, i just thought that we had a lot in common, but it turns out that i was wrong. not only was i wrong, but i was wrong after 2 years. she stopped talking to me for a couple of months and then when me and my ex best friend go into a fight and decided that we didn't need to be friends anymore she decided to dump me. she kicked me while i was down. she told me that she still wanted to be friends and i really wanted to go with that, but then she tells me a month later that she is with someone new and that person is living with her and then she says that she still wants to be friends. i decided that i didn't want to be friends with her and so i just stopped talking to her, i think that i was fully justified in doing that. i got 3 count them 3 messages from her new girlfriend today. the first one told me to stay away from her. so i sent a message to my ex asking her what was going on. then her new gf writes back and says that im fat and ugly and no one would want anyone like me. then she says that i am abusive and a cheater. i only pushed my ex once and that was when she came at me. and the cheater accusation is not fair. on our 1 month anniversery she had sex with my best friend. i can understand the fat and ugly cuz everyone has been telling me that lately and its getting easier and easier to believe. the only thing i have left to say about this chick is . . . you are 19 years old and you whole world is a retarded attempt at validating yourself. you spend most of your time on negative thoughts and you say that you want to get into college, when will you have time to think about your classes?

current mood: drained
current music: you oughta know

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Saturday, September 24th, 2005
10:23 am - the continuing adventures of being lonely . . .
i found out last night that the guy that i have had a crush on for the last year was born in the year 1953. that makes him 52 years old and 33 years older that me. but i just can't help it, i like him. im chatting with my ex right now and it kinda hurts. actually its the echo of what hurts cuz i lost the ability to hurt emotionally a while ago cuz ive gone through too much crap. enuff of that its too shitty to talk about.

current mood: depressed

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Friday, September 23rd, 2005
4:29 pm - Pilot
welcome to the wonderful world of my mind. i don't really care if you like it or not, in fact i could give a rat's ass what you care about but this is my journal and it is a cathartic way for me to deal with crap. oh, i don't mean to be standoffish but i have been tortured enuff by people who think that they can impose their views on me. wanna know more about me, read my bio.

current mood: blah

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