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Monday, May 3rd, 2004
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09.34
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listen - there's a hell of a good universe just next door, let's go. -- ee cummings
current mood:  discontent
current music: Moby - Alone
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(flap around)
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| Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
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13.07 - A Timeline Of Me
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This is just an outline for now; there is too much to say at this time. Here is an outline of what has been my life since my dad died and my world fell apart.
- Event 1 [30 Jan 2001] My father's death.
- Event 2 [ June 2002 ] The split between my mother and I over Jim.
- Event 3 [ Feb 2003 ] I was fired from my job at Knowlton's lab.
- Event 4 [ June 2003 ] My mother told her mother off.
- Event 5 [ May - Oct 2003 ] The Judy Mess. I discover nasty things about myself.
- Event 6 [ Oct 2003 ] Mom and I make up. I get my own apartment.
- Now [ April 2004. ] I take a semester off school and slack for the first time in four years.
I'll fill in later ... gotta head home and bury my babies now. *sniffles*
current mood:  content
current music: U2 - With or Without You
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| Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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09.06 - Immersed in a New Role
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I am Getting-Stuff-Done Woman.
I am the epitome of Normal and I am beyond Normal, for unlike most adults in my town, I have the freedom and the peace of mind to happily contemplate the carpet if so I choose. Unlike Mopey Woman, however, I feel no need to limit myself to contemplating said carpet. At present my Person's balance is out of whack. She needs me. I will respond with pleasure ... for I am Getting-Stuff-Done Woman.
I do not get depressed when the house is dirty, oh no. I clean up what I can quickly and shrug off the rest. (Although it did look neater when all the boxes were under the table, I'm sick of having them there, so really the mess from decomposing the formerly boxed piles is to a good end.) I check xForums and say what I need to say, but I do not hang around in the hopes that someone will talk to me. There is too much to do to waste time like that ... for I am Getting-Stuff-Done Woman.
I do not get tired. I do not get lonely. I catch many monkeys ... for I am Getting-Stuff-Done Woman.
And by God, I like it.
(Smooches to Eris, you yummy apple-wielding babe of a goddess, you. Trust it to you to throw me an answer... I plan on making the most of it, for I am Getting-Stuff-Done Woman!)
current mood: hyper
current music: 94.9 - The River
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| Monday, April 19th, 2004
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01.40 - Conversation in Three Parts
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Or, There's A Hole In My Soul And It Won't Go Away (But I Found The Plug!)
Mystic:I feel lonely, bone-chillingly lonely. My heart feels as though it has a hole in it, a hole all the way through, and it burns me with its icy fever. Suddenly I think of a song I used to hear on the radio, a song about loneliness and the city being my only friend.
Archivist:I think I have it here somewhere. *dig dig*
Mystic:More importantly, I do not have to be alone. So I think I will go curl up with a certain BS in Psych that I know, and perhaps warm this hole in my heart.
Though I wonder ... will it still remain?
Archivist:Oooh, found that song you were thinking about! *cheers*
current mood:  quixotic
current music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge
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| Sunday, April 18th, 2004
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23.43 - Project - PFKiSS
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Back in sophomore year I worked on creating a doll of a character who is very near and dear to me, my higher self if you will. She scares me. She's the best parts of me, and probably the worst as well, and I love her to pieces because she brings me hope.
At any rate, way back then *heh* I found a doll template, made some clothes, and then left it to sit because my father died and other things became important. Then, this past summer, I managed to get some more drawing done on it.
Here are the demos of two outfits I did. Yes, she really does have a right arm, it's held tight against her body on the left side of both demos and is particularly hard to see on the gray one. The eyes on the gray mask turned out particularly well, I think.
The one on the left is "her coat", which is a rather novel way of putting it, but then she's a rather novel sort of person. The one on the right is an amalgamation of some of my more pained thoughts. Suffice to say that the red trail on her cheeks is blood, the mask is plaster-of-paris, and the white mummy-wrappings should be stained a rather gruesome red, only I couldn't get it to work and this is just as horrifying and just, somehow. My penance, so to speak, for being a bad person. ... alright, I had some really messed up thoughts last summer.
Yes. Well. Anyway.
This is me, and I'm proud of me. Even when I'm horrifying.
current mood: cheerful
current music: Jann Arden - Waiting In Canada
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11.36 - Old Friends Redux
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So I ran into Syed. Which is good, because I've been rather anxious about finding Sagittar. There are few enough people in this world who embrace surrealism with all their hearts, I don't want to lose the few I know.
And hey, I might be able to get a tape of Andrew's newest film.
Color me thrilled.
[edit]
Here's their deviantArt sites, in case I lose the addresses:
Andrew / Sagittar [ * ]
Timothy / Syed [ * ]
Murk [ * ]
current mood: ecstatic
current music: Shoujo Kakumei Utena - Bara no Tameiki (Anthy no Theme)
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09.20 - The Datavore Surfaces
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So I am legally able to drink now, and although I'm not exactly up on la alcohol, I have found it fun to go out to bars and see what they're like now.
Hopefully Wednesday "Real Deal" Jim and Jasper and "Jumping" Jim and I can go out 'boozing and whoring' and have some fun, since my Jim (the Jumping one) and I don't have too much to do at bars by ourselves as neither of us imbibe.
'Sides, I need a social life. Or some sort of life.
In other news, my motherboard keeps having "CMOS Battery Low" issues, which means that my clock is always reset to Jan 21, 2003 every time I reboot ... bah. I need to do some motherboard shopping this morning. My baby also needs a reinstall of Win XP, but since Mum's machine needs work that gets done first. My baby has some serious issues right now, probably due to the fact that my Norton antivirus and firewall got screwed up by the date issue and let some bad things in while I've been surfing about, and it's such a sweet machine that it doesn't deserve that sort of crap, right, baby? *coos*
Queen of the run-on -- still got it! *cheers* *sheepishly*
Anyway. I really need to get dressed. :) Maybe walk the whole two blocks to the Coop and pick up some fresh watercress for sandwiches ... yummy.
current mood: amused
current music: Oingo Boingo - Who Do You Want To Be Today
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08.17 - I Am Lane's Guilt
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I am 'Lane's Failure.
I am the failure as a daughter; the failure as a student; the failure as a friend. I am the failure to others, I am the failure to myself. For I am a social person in a way; I need the comfort and company of others in my journey, and yet I push them away. I need and I am frightened of that need. Which brings us to ...
I am 'Lane's Fear.
I am the fear of touching; I am the fear of talking. I am the fear of going to work or indeed going anywhere. I am the fear that Judy taught me, and that my mother taught me, and that I have learned in other places. I am the fear that makes Lane keep her -- my -- head down, eyes downcast, not talking, not responding, just tripping through life while watching her feet without seeing them, quitting everything and hiding for months on end in her room because she is too fucking afraid to go to class, to go to work, to call her friends and cry on their shoulders, to do anything except play Morrowind and Dungeon Siege and live in her hatred of herself. I am the fear that makes Lane listen to others instead of herself. I am the fear that makes Lane take all her successes and destroy them in her mind, leaving her with only failures. I am Lane's bane.
I am 'Lane's Loneliness.
I am 'Lane.
I need a hug.
current mood: lonely
current music: Taylor Dane - Original Sin
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07.27 - Awakening
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I've started an LJ under the name of Phyrry, primarily for chatty commenty purposes, but the quizzes will probably start migrating there, since hey, I have net access now. And suddenly I notice that I have put many journal entries on private, or protected; that must cease, as hiding must cease, for for too long have I hidden already.
The short answer for where I've been -- living in Hell, with Beelzebub. Luckily I moved out a while back and got my own place, which isn't exactly Heaven but is the closest I've ever come. Jobless, schoolless until Fall, here I am.
The sorrow and the anger and the angst are bleeding away into the snow, leaving no vermillion traces to show their mark, yet their mark remains. Life is a journey, always a journey, and never have I been able to change dramatically overnight. Change is a matter of degrees, of effort, of constantly practicing the most difficult of stunts, being happy and effective and wondering and open against all sorrow and angst and anger and apathy, until one day you do not even know that you are practicing, you just are, and it is good. I am not there yet, but towards that day in which I forget, I will continue to practice these things.
The hiding and the fear are still here. They recede, but there are still things which must be done for them to go completely. Fear is my enemy, I need no other; yet my heart still is heavy, and my soul screams as much as sings. Growth, growth, this is spring; the death-dreams have gone the way of winter, which has been long this year, a three-year winter in the year of my life, and the promise of summer beckons me near. For all seasons come and go, will ye nil ye, but as for me, I have always loved the crispness and fairness of autumn.
current mood: calm
current music: Gary Jules - Mad World
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| Friday, April 16th, 2004
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03.59 - Insomnia
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That dream which is mine has flown about my head, banging at the bars and bone, poking from behind my eye. It flew into my stomach briefly and pecked at the lining, but there is no way out, no, not there. My mouth may open but no words emerge, none to let fly that dream, and so it stays within. It dances in my fingers, feeding itself out.
Anduine! Anduine!
That longing which is mine has no end; it stretches from my toes to the tips of my fingers to the tips of forever, surf crashing on the shoals.
Vuadatha du anduine!
That voice which is mine speaks in stilted tongue, the words ill-fitting for normal speech. I speak as though normal in daily affairs, as I type to others in normal tones; yet it is not normal, for me, for I would speak as I speak now, and not in the ways and means of the cultural norms. These words are my words, I have no other; I would let them be as they must, without forcing them to strange tasks.
That call which is mine I loose unto the all, singing for a dream of another place, another life, mine and yet not mine. This world in my head is beyond me.
Shortly before my birthday I had the oddest greeting-card I have ever received; that night I dreamed a land of apocalypse, and as the world ended I sat on a hillside, watching awestruck as the stars above exploded in a message, congratulations on my twenty-first birthday. And he sat beside me, friend, guide, a soul beyond; I dreamed him sheepishly acknowledging the sheer cheesiness of the moment, yet -- I am flattered, o my dear, do not doubt, for I know that you are with me always, within and without, and I hope only to be able to hear you clearly.
That life which is mine is best shared. A life alone is no life at all, and in the time of my confinement and destruction I have become alone, both by choice through shame, false emotion, and by separation from all that I value, from information and people and lives which go on but which I wish I could touch.
And the screen flashes yellow at the bottom, and my oldest friend is there. Ah, how I have missed my life.
Look, here it is, in text on screen on electrons on beauty, and as the words flow, my fingers itch both more and less, more because I notice the need at last, but less because they find purchase on this box, this wonderful place where I record who I am and what I am and it stays for me to find later, much later, as an unexpected jewel from the past, a message, a pillar.
current mood: peaceful
current music: Sara Ayers - Are You Coming Home?
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(flap around)
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| Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
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05.41
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I must read, for must I not eat?
I must write, for must I not breathe?
I must live, for must I not die?
(and there have been days, many days, when I have wanted just that)
... and the two warriors dance, their feet sliding on the floor at drum-beat and cry of "Dashne?", "Are you ready to die?" Once, twice, to nine times they might slip, but on the tenth mistake, the lesser's life is forfeit ...
Why can't we have midwinter traditions like that here? Oh, wait, the oak king dies at Samhain and is reborn at Yule ... blech.
I like my world's traditions better. :p Then again, it IS kinda suspicious how they just show up in my head, and I start singing in odd languages and fighting invisible foes at midnight in a deserted parking garage... hey, you up there, you tampering again? And if you are, could you please get me a gravity waiver?
Didn't think so. *sigh* You're no fun. *twitchtwitchsniffle*
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Train - My Private Nation
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| Friday, June 6th, 2003
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10.21 - Yes, I Am A Geek
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Your
Ultimate Roleplaying Purity Score | | Category | Your Score | Average | | Hacklust | 63.21%
Enjoys the occasional head-lopping | 52.6% | | Sensitive Roleplaying | 39.24%
All the game's your stage | 52.6% | | GM Experience | 57.25%
Puts the players through the wringer | 67.9% | | Systems Knowledge | 74.01%
Local rules guru | 89.5% | | Livin' La Vida Dorka | 43.68%
Has interesting conversations in public | 61.4% | You are 57.31% pure
Average Score: 67.4% | |
current mood:  stressed
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(1 bat | flap around)
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2003
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15.07 - Webcomic Fun
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Today's belated Safe Havens is hilarious.
That is all.
Well, that and packing and unpacking and looking for furniture and ... oh well.
current mood: bouncy
current music: Moby - South Side
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(flap around)
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| Saturday, May 3rd, 2003
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12.23 - xForums Gathering
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notwearingawire came up with an interesting idea -- a PacNorwest gathering of forumites.
I wanna go! *cries* *looks up airline prices* *cries some more*
current mood: chipper
current music: Drowning Pool - Let The Bodies Hit the Floor
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| Thursday, May 1st, 2003
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22.17 - Fallout Is Dead
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Fallout Three.
A dream. A hope. Give me a woman in her twenties, mocha skin and a short, stylish bob of hair, dressed in leathers (show some cleavage and tight pants if you like, not necessary but not out of style either) and holding a big shiny Gauss rifle. Give me a woman with a dog, or robot, or best of all a robotic dog (I always liked the one from Navarro myself, the one from NCR always was a bit short on personality) and my main man, Goris. A deathclaw in a monk's robe, a gal who knows her way around a called shot to the head, slightly skippy oldskool B&W video, desert, Louis Armstrong crooning. That's Fallout to me.
Fallout Three. I've hoped for Deathclaws in Space (the intelligent ones always were my favorite faction), more world, more opportunities. Skills and strangeness and a Pip-Boy logo that was confined to the bloody Pip-Boy and the skills list, ie. Vault dwellers.
Interplay, with no real reference to the previous games (just watch the preview if you doubt) has given us ... Fallout: PoS.
The trailer makes baby Jesus cry.
Update: N. reminded me that Fallout I takes place 80 years after the bombs fell. The chick in the preview -- that one without any real clothes on, who thinks a titanium thong is heavy armor and would be astonished for a few short seconds by my char's attribute-concealing power armor before her head exploded into messy shards -- says she was born as the bombs were dropping. Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel takes place after Fallout I.
You do the math. I'm going to go soak my eyes in a bowl of salt ...
current mood:  pissed off
current music: Oxygen - Am I On Your Mind (Ian Van Dahl Remix)
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19.59 - Well, If Dante Was Right, I'm Screwed ...
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The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
Update as of May 2: This is apparently teh bomb, as I have run across it in at least four separate locations in the past twenty-four hours. Now taking bets on how long it will last ... A week?
current mood:  tired
current music: Orgy - Fiction (Dreaming In Digital)
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(flap around)
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| Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
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17.07 - Update
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Jufy and I found an apartment. Three bedrooms, two stories, on one side of a three-plex in a very small apartment-kindof complex with about four more three-plexes. The manager is much like Jufy's grandmother and keeps a close eye on everything. The outside of the building is a tad shabby, but not terrible (they painted the shingles for some strange reason, and it's peeling); the inside is nice, though the paint is kinda crappy; the carpet downstairs and on the stairs is new. It's $600/month, including everything except electricity, and we don't have to mow the lawn. The only issue is that I will have to drive to school since it is about a mile away, and the neighborhood a few blocks away is a bit crappy.
We signed the lease today. I get to move over the weekend.
Updates will probably be scarce until Thursday, May 15; that's when finals are over.
current mood: cranky
current music: Melissa Etheridge -- I Could Have Been You
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(flap around)
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| Thursday, April 24th, 2003
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17.21 - Goodbye
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They cut down the trees outside today.
All of them.
Judy and I are looking for an apartment.
...
They cut down my trees!
current mood: angry
current music: Minister - Between Rains
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(5 bats | flap around)
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| Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
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11.06 - Up And Going
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So I am keeping a journal of the time I spend now. It's just a simple little spreadsheet in Excel, timeframes along one axis and days along the other. I can now fearlessly partition my life into neat little fifteen-minute chunks. And I have to. Because I promised. And I keep my bloody promises.
It's been a few days since I've last written, and so I suppose I should write a long entry this time. I don't write about things that happen in my life here, though, unless it really seems to fit. After all, everyone has a life and deals with day-to-day bits, and I'm paranoid and defensive and I know it. No, this journal is about what's going on inside my head, the things I'm reading, the fun things I find, and even (once in a while) the undercurrents of how I feel about my life, and what I plan on doing about it.
It's not a long entry. But I don't feel like writing any more.
Except to mention this interview with one of the people who runs this lovely little country of ours.
It reminds me of when I asked Ninjirou the other day, "How does it feel to be part of the evil empire?"
current mood:  listless
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(5 bats | flap around)
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01.03 - One Happy Thing
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I heard the song Fourteen Days a few days ago on the new radio station in town, the one I actually listen to because it isn't crap.
I liked. :)
current mood:  blah
current music: Lisa Loeb - When All The Stars Were Falling
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