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here today-paul mccartney |
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alright ive tryed to post this thing 3 times....i have so much rage i could kill a small child....god damn it, alright so now instead of writing my full out emotion im going to cut it short because i REFUSE to write this again...on thats side note...fuck you blurty....anyways
there’s really no point for this for i do have a livejournal, but its too public, and i told everyone i was getting better, and im not, and they told me that its only me that can make things better and that if i dont try then there not going to care. so i refuse to lose anything else in my life...
so mike left this week, (my ex) i took him into his brothers bedroom and talked to him, i refused to have him see me cry i told him how upset i was, he told me understood. and he told me how he doesnt dislike me or like me, and that its not a good thing or a bad thing (but it still killed me to hear). so then i told him with watery eyes that i just wanted us to be friends before his bitch of a mom took him across the country, and he just smiled and said. "well we have 2 hours before i leave". i know he wasnt being serious, but maybe that was his way of saying"...me too" so before we got out of the room and joined everyone else in the living room he told me how he hugged joe and it was creepy, and i giggled and asked him why he could hug a guy that we all think has a crush on him, but he cant hug me, so he did....but i could tell he didnt want to, he just hugged me with one arm and looked away. it made me feel like shit for even saying anything. and then when we got out into the living room diana and mckenzie just gave me a weird look, so instead of being emo i just said, "im going to have a few mike babys in a could days". everyone laughed at me and i felt a little better. mckenzie for some weird reason took me home before mike even had to go, im guessing that mike told her too. he didnt even hug me good bye, i looked at him and said bye, and just waved his hand while looking at the computer...i stepped one foot out the door and cryed like a big baby, I'm not sure if I was crying because mike was leaving, or because I knew things between me and mike wouldn’t be any different if he left or not….he would still just refer to me as that girl that he once dated, but doesn’t care about anymore….dave grabbed me and hugged me tight, oh god did i need that!! dave was telling me everything was ok...i respect that guy so much, i respect all my friends, since there all stronger and better people then i could ever be. my friends just told me to talk to them again if i ever wanted to, but i cant just do that, its like i hate myself so much that if i talk to people about it and they give me sympathy i just feel even worse, or if they react nagitivly towards me i just want to do it even more, its like i cant get around it, the only reason i stopped for that amount of time was because mike was set on the mind set that i was doing it to "win him back". i refused to have him think that i fucking take a razor to my stomach for him, so i stopped, and plus mckenzie and diana thought the same too i think. and i couldnt handle it. i cant tell them things like that anymore because i might lose them, but if they ever find out ill lose them too. they think im over mike...and i wish i was, i haven’t stopped thinking about him since i started talking to him again. i miss everything about him, about us. i know we're young, i know that it was only 3 months. i know it was my fault it ended like it did. but that doesnt make it hurt any less. i was only upset for a few weeks after we broke up, then i was like "wop wop free woman!" what happened to that? why did i get back to stage one...maybe i was just covering up before. i don’t want to date anyone right now, i dont want/need love from a guy. but mike...it gives me a different feeling...and i dont know how to get rid of it because i dont even know what’s there, he along with his friends and brothers have made it more then clear to me that we will NEVER get back together, and yet...i cant let my feelings go, we've been broken up now longer then we went out. its starting to get rediculus. but this is the reason why i cant let diana or mckenzie know, i dont want them to think that i just cant grow up. i have a picture of him that i hide in my abbey road record that i look at before i go to sleep, its reminds that even though ive fucked up so bad and i can never go back to where i was, i did at one point have a great life, with diana, mckenzie, aaron, dave and mike. i just dont know how to explain my feelings, its just like ive given up on making things better because i hate myself so much, and because every time i try i fuck up more and more, everyone deserves the things they get...and im not sure i deserve every tear that I’ve shed. i hope to be alone forever....well relationship wise, it will serve me right for what happened with mike...
its almost like a new guy, because the mike that loved me, the one that never had a terrible thought about me, the one that would hug me and the one that cared about me was shorter and had blonde hair, and when i saw him again, him with him black hair, and him before almost a foot taller then me...its like the mike i cared about left a long time ago.....why did i have to mess up....why.....fucking why
fkesi9fjseilfbheiuf gd
Peace and love
"Darkness only stays for the night time, in the morning it will fade away, daylight is good at arriving at the right time, it’s not always going to be this gray, all things must pass, all things must pass away."
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