Below are the 2 most recent journal entries recorded in Sorry to disappoint.....'s Blurty:

Thursday, September 25th, 2003
1:23 am	Tonight, I hung out with with Ashley who said "I don't even understand why I still hang out with you"(cue heartbreak) and who I guess doesn't even care, instead of Clarissa, who really truly wanted to hang out with me and who's moving in one week and I'll never get to see her except maybe on trips to Seattle which don't come very often at all. Wow, I really need to get my fucking priorities straight. I feel like a complete asshole. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 18th, 2003
1:28 am	This is my first entry in my new "secret" journal. I do have another journal. But this is the one that isn't really meant for anyone else to read. Here goes..... I think- no scratch that- I KNOW that I like Ashley. It sucks. It sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks. I'm past the point where I even want someone to have feelings for me back. More than anything I wish I didn't have any feelings in the first place. I try. I try not to "like" anyone. I try not to think of anyone as anything other than friends. I doesn't always work. :( I can already see where this is heading. Heartbreak. The more I hang out with Ashley the more I will like Ashley. As always I have two options. 1. At some point I could tell Ashley, and it would convolute and probably, if the past is any indicator, destroy our friendship. 2. The smartest choice, so I've learned from experience, is to not say anything. Keep everything bottled up inside. A quiet implosion. I don't like either choice. I'm opting for #2 though. Jeff will come back and they'll be madly in love and I'll be really happy that she's happy, but at the same time like "why can't that be me in a relationship and in love?". And then at some later time my feelings for her will cease to exist out of necessity, and after awhile I'll find another girl to fall for and the cycle of subtle, bittersweet torture renews itself again. Oh well, I'll just try my best to not think of her as anything more than a friend. I'm 20 years old and I've never had a girlfriend. I never used to be able to admit publicly that I've never had a girlfriend. I used to be so embarassed, It was like my dirty little secret. I'm not like that anymore because I don't feel it's something that I can change. My romantic ineptitude is just a fact. It's something that I've come to grips with, BUT that doesn't mean it has ceased to effect my life. I can't stop from having feelings, and I can't do anything about them. If love and attraction is nothing more than a chemical reaction in your brain, why hasn't someone found some sort of antidote? An cure for love. For some of us love only means unhappiness. Whatever qualities spark that chemical reaction in other people, I don't have them. I'm unhappy by design. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: My Bloody Valentine (Comment on this)