07:32pm 24/09/2003
  FUCK BLURTY, FUCK EVERYTHING. SECRETS ARE MEANT TO BE KEPT AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE, I'LL DIE WITH THE BASTARD THINGS. GONE, NEVER TO RETURN.

bye.
 
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07:15pm 12/09/2003
 
mood: blah
music: Wang Fei de yinyue ;)
Hardly ever at home now, wondering why I don't just get a place in the city and be done with it... I think money fears are taking over and I'm worried that there will be heaps of weeks over the summer where I just don't have cash for rent.

Uhm, weirdnesses, all the people I've been running into or hearing from. Heard from GeekGrrl yesterday: She's back in the city, heart fears, waiting for a new one. Saw StrangeBoi on the bus. Not much news, he's not a teacher anymore but also back down from Aucks to live in chch.

Got to get off the net and order tea.

Most importantly of all: Much loves for my girl. Super loves even. :)
 
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07:10pm 07/09/2003
  Much to say, so rarely here now, it's all catch up time. Uhm uhm uhm, drinks on Thurs with Tianshi, Ludo and others. A good night all in all, in spite of the fact I drank way too much and coma'ed way too early. Drinks on Friday too, not all stress-free but far from awful. Drinking a bit, not as much as I used to yet but I can see how easy it would be for that shit to come back to me... it's starting to effect my moods but it's not interfering with work or anything.

Uhm uhm uhm... yikes. Gonna investigate hypnotherapy. Maybe.

This is so not what I wanted to be saying.
 
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Mental dreams and daemon spawn   
08:24pm 31/08/2003
 
mood: stressed
music: Always by Saliva
Last night. This morning. Yuckness. Some good stuff, but mostly yuck things and anger.

Drinks with Tianshi and her boys. She called around some chick, hella dark soul - not dark like intriguing or appealing, but dark like nasty and vengeful. No loves from the first moment she stepped in to the room, it was so gross to be near her, being in the same house was smothering. Chose to stay away. Tianshi walked her to the service station around the corner... an hour and a half later I gave up waiting, left, so pissed off. Turns out chick was pulling the moves, sifted on to Tianshi even when she was in the house. Pisses me off that Tianshi thought it would still be okay to walk her home. I have never felt so abandoned, so possessive, so angry. Seriously wanting to beat the bitch for not leaving well enough alone, wanting to scream at Tianshi for letting someone so messed up get too close.

Random happenings too. Ran away, started random conversations with the chick who lived across the street from me in Singapore (without knowing I even knew her). That was enough to weird me out. But then...

When I left Tianshi's at five, power walked to town, my plan was to sit in McD's, drink hot chocolate, plan out journal entries and poems that said everything I was too unable to say myself. Couldn't sit in McD's so decided to go sit outside instead, wait for the bus x to open so I could escape. Bumped into Ludo, chick from drama last year, also did the english course I failed this year. She's like, "Howzit?" I said crap, didn't elaborate until her friend was telling a story about being locked up for drunk and disorderlies, lusting after a police chick. Turns out Ludo's gay, which I didn't know, so we bitched for a bit about women and how fucked up they are. She said I could crash on her couch, much yays, so we three headed to her flat. Just as I got there my phone rang - Tianshi. Agreed to meet her. Said goodbye to Ludo and other girl, hugs, gave her my number. Chica is styling, probably the safest I felt all night, being at her place instead of in a place infested by bad girl vibes.

Jade met Tianshi. Txt: IT WAS NICE MEETN EVRY1 LAST NITE. TIANSHI SEEMS GR8! YAY 4 UZ! :D

Oh yeah. And I woke from a dream this morning. Scary, felt like I was really there. It was today, and Tianshi and I were in town. Some chick came up to her and said, come with me, I'll give you some seafood stuff. She asked me if it was okay if she went. I said no. She went anyway.

This has fucked me up a little too much.
 
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12:11am 27/08/2003
 
mood: worried
music: Running Away by Hoobastank
Uhm uhm uhm *screams* going insane, writing this out in word cause I can’t get online, will copy and paste later. I don’t know what to say, what not to say – I so hate days like these.

I don’t want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust.
And I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.
You never gave us a chance to be.
And I don’t need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything’s alright.
I just wanted you to tell me the truth,
You know I’d do that for you.

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice.
And I was the one lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough.
And when I get close you turn away
There’s nothing that I can do or say.
So now I need you to tell me the truth,
You know I’d do that for you.

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind.
Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that I can do.
Is it a waste of time?
Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind.

So why are you running away?
What is it I have to say to make you admit you’re afraid?
Why are you running away?


Kind of a weird song to quote atm, but it was playing and I needed to say something I guess.

Am I fucking up already? Cause that would seriously be a record for me and it would suck cause I so don’t to be doing it. Feeling so, so alone. Not even sure how to fix it. I hate being vulnerable. *Big sighs* I’m going to leave it, not write anything about it tonight, cause I am way too much of a mess to make sense to anyone but me (maybe not even to me).

Little bro is being charged with having sex with a minor. Chica is 13 and pregnant.

Everything is yuckness.
 
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04:54pm 23/08/2003
  *Laughs insanely* I ran into Buzz today, waiting for the bus to work. Tiny catch up. He says he has a new girlfriend. I say, "Yeah, I've got one of those too." He's like, "Ohh, what's his name?" "Her name." Dude is so styling... I forgot the last time that we caught up for drinks that he didn't know I was Bi Girl. Talking about hot chicks and I just kinda joined in. Red was the only person from course that knew, only cause chica was hella styling and cause I figured she had similar tendencies. Loves though for the styling radio boys. :)  
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Little Acorns   
12:24pm 22/08/2003
 
mood: thoughtful
music: White Stripes madness continues
Take all your problems
And rip 'em apart

Carry them off
In a shopping cart

And another thing you
Should've known from the start
The problems in hand
Are lighter than at heart

Be like the squirrel, girl
Be like the squirrel
Give it a whirl, girl
Be like the squirrel

And another thing
You have to know in this world
Cut up your hair
Straighten your curls

Well, your problems
Hide in your curls
 
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Crazy weird mother daughter merriment   
12:08pm 22/08/2003
 
mood: okay
music: The Hardest Button to Button by the White Stripes
Ugh crap. I woke up (yep, slept through my first lecture... maybe helped by the fact that I woke really early, decided I felt crap and switched my alarm off) and my bro said mom had called for me. Wtf? I called her and she's all like, "So are we going out tonight?" It took me a while to get what she was talking about. Way back at the start of the week (so no wonder I forgot already) she'd said we should do dinner sometime. I said we should see a movie too. Talk was made about Friday but I magickally forgot. So yeah, now we're hanging out tonight. I'm sure Jade will get over it.

I don't want to hear about it. Every single one's got a story to tell. White Stripes goodness.

Oh oh! And I forgot to say! I read out poem #3 on Weds. Was not looking forward to it at all. First, it's crap. Second, they hate my new shit. Third, well, reasons one and two are probably enough. But I did it and - crazy weirdness. They kept saying, "I like it" (followed, of course, with "It needs... more..."). That was insane. Now I know their opinions don't really matter. So now I have to figure out how to finish that one... not too sure where to go from here.
 
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Falling, falling, but loving it   
07:38pm 21/08/2003
 
mood: So lusting
music: That Stacy's Mom song
Ohmygods! So much news! Gonna start with today, just now, work my way back. (So many yays!)

I couldn't figure out who to tell about Tianshi - I hate having news and no one to spill it to! - so I sent Godboy a txt, told him we had to catch up. *Laughs* Gods he's funny. He's like, "Hey, that makes you the first girl I know (not counting people like DramaQueen, people I don't know too well) who has a girlfriend!" He's found a girl, quite happy, but being spooked by her ex (a psychotic monkey man, all bananas). I told him we should probably arrange a meeting for him and Tianshi - didn't say why, but I think she maybe needs to see that there's totally no threat there. Will leave it for a bit and then see what she thinks: I think they'd have very little to talk about cause they're such totally different people but I really want to show her off. :)

Uhm, oh gods, gorgeousness. Bussed to Lyttleton with Tianshi on Tuesday, ferried to Diamond Harbour, met a yuck bus person (ewwww *screws up nose*), walked a bit, talked a bit, she asked me out in person to make it so much less impersonal (which she so didn't need to do but, wow, so gorgeous). One of the best days ever - going places I don't usually go, spending time with hell styling people (my girl in particular)... so, so many yays. :)

Got a txt from Tianshi last night, asking if I wanted to hang. Hella yes. (Typing fast now, wanting to get it down but getting tired of so many happy stories.) Talked till six in the am. So tired. Wanting to go into some of the stuff that was said but wanting to keep a lot of it to myself too... basically, I'm kinda weirded out by the effect she's having on me. Wanting to spend heaps of time with her, wanting to talk forever, thinking of her pretty much whenever I'm not with her - this is all very strange stuff for me. Sounds like we're going through much the same things. *Excited squeal* Gods! The lust, excitement, nerves, amazing crazy weird connection! I so, yikes, don't want to say too much, but wow... this is all new to me and I'm loving it all!

Things To Remember:

1. "This is my most vulnerable moment" - borrowed (and reversed) from Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson. Just me wanting to remember sitting in Diamond Harbour, Tianshi reading notebook stuff beside me. (Yikes.)
2. "I think I'm falling in love with you" - so many yikes, 'nuff said.
3. Knowing how much I trust her and how little that scares me. Strangeness of the best kind.

Supposed to be going in to town with Jade tomorrow night... so tempted to say, hell no, gotta be at work at ten the next morning, but we're supposed to actually be doing stuff (as opposed to just walking in circles) and it would be nice to catch up (talk about the amazing women we know)... so I'm not too sure yet if I'm heading out or not. We'll see.
 
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Uhm...   
11:41pm 18/08/2003
  What is it with me and September 18th????? Freaky weirdness.  
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Loves, so many loves   
11:14pm 18/08/2003
 
mood: ecstatic
music: Sweet Child O Mine by Guns N'Roses
Weird how in the midst of much confusion everything seems to work itself out. I decided to txt Jade, haven't been in touch with her much and there have been developments I maybe need to let her know about. She txts back, says something along the lines of "How you doing? Me, good - great even! Got a gf!" So many joys cause it's so freaking perfect! Now my "developments" are joys and not even slightly stresses...

Gotta explain. *Breaks into grins* 我的天使也是我的女朋友! Tianshi asked me out last night - amazing joys! I didn't even think, oh hold up, got stuff to sort through, it was just a hell yes. Then today I'm thinking that even though things with Jade had reached friend-only status, I kinda needed to let her know. Much much joys that there's no reason at all to be stressing, so loving lusting and being blissful and just yays, a million times yays! :)

There's so much I want to say but so few words. Just so damned happy it's driving me insane! *Big grins*
 
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10:12pm 17/08/2003
 
mood: loved
music: Headstrong by Trapt
Tianshi sent me an online greeting thingamee. So prettyful.

"yes its true,i like you but you probably already knew that due to me being such a dick last night.*blush* id like to see where this could go,i think i could make you smile...talk :P,and if youd let me,happy. let me in,im not going to hurt you i promise. always, tianshi"

Damn I like her. Falling way super fast... a scary thing, but I'm kinda liking it. :)
 
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Midnight kisses and evening strolls   
04:00pm 17/08/2003
 
mood: nervous
music: The sound of my beating heart
Uhm... yikes. Met with Tianshi last night, styling chick, so much fun... and I don't know how she does it but SHE SEEMS LIKE SUCH A NICE PERSON! That scares me and I kinda told her - something about not having the best history with choosing the right people to trust. She was very quiet, weirded me out, but she told me later she was being Shy Girl. I freaked in the middle of the quarry, had to get away, too many things I didn't feel comfortable with (people and places I didn't know mostly)... we talked... I tried to say everything I needed to, but I don't think I made much sense, not even to me. We kissed, little kisses, soft and uncertain, but reassuring and reaffirming and... nice. And she has the best body to cuddle into, soft and warm, cosy.

Now though. Still absolutely wanting to see where things go. Not wanting to mess with her. Wanting to be the no secrets girl, the girl without falsehoods, the girl she needs me to be.
 
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All about Cancerian me   
10:27pm 14/08/2003
  I read this here and liked it, thought I would paste it here. Particularly loving the last paragraph... it relates so much to what I'm going through at the moment. :)


Your sign is that of sensitive Cancer, the fourth sign of the zodiac, the sign characterized by deep feelings and protectiveness. You are known for being nurturing, hospitable, and imaginative, and all your effort goes into making your home a safe place for you and the people you cherish.

The Moon, is the ruler of your sign, and makes you a very intuitive and empathetic person. Like the ebb and flow of the tides, you are both receptive to those you love and willing to offer comfort in return.

Being the first of the water signs you have psychic powers, and are able to sense feelings and thoughts in others - you feel rather than think. When you love someone, you love truly and deeply, and have the desire to connect on a profound level.

As a Cancer, you rule the fourth house, the sector of the horoscope that describes your emotional roots, your home, your childhood, and your parent of lesser influence, usually your father. Most of all, the fourth house stands for attunement to your inner self.

Your sign is a cardinal sign, which means that your parental instincts compel you to protect and fight for the security of your loved ones. You thrive on drama, and get stronger in situations of crisis.

Your strengths lie in your ability to adapt and cooperate, and your wonderful way of providing comfort. You are devoted and selfless in your dealings with others, which makes you a very dependable person. Since you are attuned to your unconscious, you have a strong imagination and are in touch with your intuition.

One of your weaknesses is that you can get hypersensitive and moody when someone fails to show you their love and appreciation. In situations of insecurity, you sometimes show immature, manipulative, and even tyrannical behavior, and others could see you as overly possessive and dependent.



Sounds not so good, right? But I'm a total mess of hypersensitivity at the moment, hella worried about Jade stuff, not too sure where it's going, thinking friendship is more of a possibility than anything else, and even though the paragraph sounds bad, it rings with truth as well.
 
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09:57pm 14/08/2003
  From the best rune site online (my opinion anyway):

The Diamond spread reveals the dynamic forces at work in a situation. It is the spread of choice for understanding a hidden conflict. Jade Runes are most commonly used for questions about love, friendship, and relationships.

The bottom rune represents the foundation that forms the basis of the issue. Hagalaz is the rune of hail. Hail is a destructive and elemental force, so one can expect this rune to represent the disruption of one's life. In the harsh northern winter there is a halt to activity, and so delay or hindrance is frequently associated with this rune. The opposite of chaos is yet more chaos, as illustrated by the fact that this rune cannot be reversed.

The left rune represents one of the forces acting on the issue at hand. Tyr was the Norse god of war. It was through his sacrifice that the great force of chaos, the wolf Fenrir was bound. Here however, you have drawn the rune reversed. This could mean that a sacrifice made will not lead to the desired result. It could also mean a loss, or a victory overturned. This rune warns against entering into conflicts or negotiations, especially ones requiring that an offering or concession be made - the wolf might take your hand and yet remain unbound. Note also that Tyr was the god of law, so there is a suggestion of a wrongdoer who will avoid justice.

The right rune represents another of the forces acting on the issue at hand. Perth, the rune of chance and gambling has been drawn reversed. This can have many possible meanings. It could represent secrets revealed or mysteries uncovered. It could be a warning against gambling - now might not be the time to take a chance.

The top rune represents the conclusion to which your strivings can carry you. Sowelu is a strong symbol, for it represents the sun. Unlike equatorial cultures who may see the sun as a harsh and imperial force capable of causing droughts, in the cold north the sun is a purely feminine force that gives life and allows crops to grow. In dark times, this rune represents clarity of sight and the victory of good over evil. Sowelu is irreversible, as the cycles of the sun and seasons are perpetual.
 
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Tianshi stuff   
09:40pm 14/08/2003
 
mood: excited
music: Z on the radio
So we chatted till 4 in the am, weirdness cause she seemed so different from what I was expecting. Lots of txts today, then she calls tonight. We're hanging out on Sat. I'm looking forward to it cause she seems so exciting and fun. Joys cause I'm finally sorting shit and building up the social circle I've been missing forever. :)
 
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11:45pm 13/08/2003
 
mood: okay
music: Paint It Black by Vanessa Carlton
Tianshi. She's moving to my side of town. She seems like she'd be good fun to kick back with, friendly, funny, all that kinda stuff. And she's moving to my side of town! Much excitements cause Jade is on the other side totally. But my side!! Woohoo!

Turns out my essay is due on Friday, not tomorrow. Doesn't mean I'm any closer to finishing it. I have yet to write a single word.
 
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10:16pm 11/08/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: Man in a Box by Fur Patrol
Feeling so... blah. Alone again, stuck here with no one to give a damn what's happening inside my head and all around it. I hate that I have to work for things, work harder than I'm ready to work cause it's what the world requires... uni's a good example, love is another one. Dammit, I'm just not ready to be messed with. I'm feeling totally stressed and there's no way I know of to make it all better. Time, enough of the time. I'm sick of waiting for my head to sort itself out, for things to fall into place in my world, for things to be just the way I need them to be.

Dunno how she does it but I always hear from Jade just when I'm starting to get all paranoid. Must be some strange kind of radar.
 
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Amazing. Happy. Joy. All in the same moment.   
09:03pm 11/08/2003
  Oh oh! I forgot to mention the Amazing Happy Joy Moment at the Elemeno P concert. I saw Dave Gibson peeking out from behind the pretend stage door, checking out the crowd while Evermore were playing. I was tempted to wave when he saw me staring at him, but decided my breasts so aren't big enough to warrant that sort of tarty behaviour. Some other time perhaps.  
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Catch ups and throw backs   
10:26pm 10/08/2003
 
mood: blah
music: Gravity by The Superjesus
Friday. I decide to go to Blockbuster to see if they have Beloved (I have an essay due next Thursday and thought it might help ground what I've read... have since lost the book and need to buy a new one, dammit). I figure I can pop over to McDonald's to see if Me@16 is working afterwards. She wasn't. Oh well, worth a try. Buy a burger, leave, run into Hugs. We do a quick catch up, I remember how annoying people can be sometimes, tell him I was looking for Me@16. He says she's probably working later but it's not worth missing another bus to find out. I move on. Five minutes later I think I hear someone calling my name... I've got my headphones on, can't really tell, figure it was all in my head. One more minute and I feel a tap on my shoulder. Me@16, sweaty, puffing, apparently she'd been trying to catch up with me for a while. We hug, make plans to hang out that night. We rent videos, have a laugh, much yays cause I've finally seen her, spoken with her (not about the things I wanted to talk about yet) and it's suddenly real in my head that she's around, okay, happy again.

(Hugs says to me when we were talking, "Do you know why Me@16 missed a couple of days work this week?" I figure he'd been talking to Iowa14, being close friends and all. I say, "She was a little unwell, but she's better now I think." Then he says something that kinda makes me wonder: "Did it have anything to do with what NASTYASSBITCH said to her?" Apparently she went off at her the night before it happened, told her she didn't like her and everything. So going to smack the bitch over at the first opportunity. She does martial arts and stuff so I'm gonna come off second best but too bad, it's got to be done.)

Last night. Went to ELEMENO P (Lani Purkis is so damned sexy!) with Jade. Odd night. I was up and down all over the place. Seriously tearful. Best I can figure is cause of the Elemeno P / Me@16 thing... still maybe a little worried. Don't know. It was good to get out, but I felt like such a space cadet for not being happy me.

Still so damned scared of girls.
 
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