|Wednesday, October 27th, 2004|
|Some cool downloads Theres More Downloads But I Didn't Want To Cludder Everything! Click The Read More!( Read more... )
|Friday, October 8th, 2004|
|I remember most the time
I remember when my mom and dad would stand holding each other and kissing and loving then one day with out notice its gone... Gone... I wish i where little again! so happy memories...... One thing i learned... my kids will never have to "remember the good times" I just wish i could live these memories. I tell everyone im fine... but when i come home its like god if only i was coming home to a full family again i would be alive again, But I smile and say it doesnt bother me but still after 5 or 6 years it does and talking about it only makes it worse! Maybe if i had someone that would lison to me maybe things would be better but adult dont lison they dont. only pretend, and this whole mom lives with dad but mom has a bf and so does dad is even worse! my mom thinks its the best but she doesnt live my life! I remember in my room i would stay up till i was exosted so afraid of what my mom was doing with her "friend" in the other room... with those paper thin walls she thought i couldnt hear them but i could I COULD!! i remember in 6th grade waking up to those dread full noises! The thats when my life turned awful!! i just wish my life could be the way it used to be! Sometimes i think "IF ONLY" IF ONLY i was there IF ONLY i wasnt born IF ONLY i was a better daughter IF ONLY i told my dad he could work it out MAYBE things would be different I remember when my dad found out about my moms insedents he was a nothing of a man for weeks "just a shell" of a man, The just recently pictures where found lies where told...
and so much more i just cant go on right now Current Mood: indescribableCurrent Music: jars of clay-let that be enough
|Tuesday, October 5th, 2004|
|Take a look at me now
well well I take back all that mean stuff i said about matt! Yes we are still togeather, surprised huh? Wow 5 months! go figure after that bad start! humm what else... well looks like jake got dumped by his girl! I truely am sorry for him! I can feel sorry for him now... because my idea worked... my idea was to forget jake for like 3 months... not looking at his journal not talking to him or any contact what so ever and transfuring my energy to matt and our relationship. looks like it worked because i have forgoted about jake well not compleatly... well actualy i hadnt thought of him till i got on line by accedent and he imed me... lol now i just remember how many "good?" times we had. I now realize, and ask myself what the hell? where you this attached? Ashley did you have no life and needed to suck the life out of some guy that hated you? lol Yes I was! he made me feel like someone, now i know im not, matt tought me that and well it feels good to be not attached anymore... of corse now im attached to someone else but at least he likes me, thats all i ask for :) well anyway you wont hear any more about jake i promiss! changing subject As for my sergury humm not much... I still feel the same i thought i would be this hot babe but really im not im still the same shy little ashley just with less of a nose, and more of a chin! No guys notice me but matt i supose, but all he says is "sexy!" he never looks me in the eyes and says "Ashley, you ARE pretty!" but i can take that i know im not so theres no reason to make him lie! went to homecoming with him... cant belive we are still "going out"! he text messages me every day i cant see him, i dont want to lose him like i do most guys... humm anything else new... might be leaving burgerking thank the lord after 2 years!! well im going to jc pennys well might be... still need to get that interview, called today but she was busy so i will call back tomarrow... yeppy skippy!!! Love for ashley! humm what else what else lol well i suppose thats all for now Current Mood: lovedCurrent Music: Against All Odds - The Postal Service
|Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004|
so I have been dreaming the same stupid dreams about a This guy but i cant go on dreaming about him when i know i have 0% chance with him!!! i blew it along time ago... Too long ago.... i think i was too ugly for him and couldnt "put out" but then out of the blue i was dead to him!
Im Dead Current Mood: exhaustedCurrent Music: shinedown
|Saturday, July 17th, 2004|
|my new pretty life.... isnt so pretty
Wow I havnt updated forever.... maybe i should shut this down and leave it alone i hate reopening old sores.... Well whats been going on with my life humm lets start with my councling humm my mom quit it all of a sudden because i was saying stuff to my shrink yeah i told her that my sister and mother havnt talking in like 6 years and they hate each other and i also told her that i knew about other things between my dad and mom and i told her about her bugging my computer and putting cameras everywhere well i guess my mom got scarred and stopped councling because my shrink told my mom that she should mail my sister and well she didnt of corse duhhh and my mom was afraid to go back so she quit it on my behalf? lol maybe i still needed it? no she just wants to drug me up on zoloft and forget about me... yeah i know but lol i dont take it i just hide the damn pills she cant drug me with those pills but yeah so anyway moving on lets talk about the new gf jake has... shall we? so he is doing the same thing he did to me to this poor girl!! hes tring to "get" her and then as soon as he does hes going to get bored and dump her leaving her stranded alone and scared just like i was... i just hope to god he doesnt i hope to god she fills his needs unlike me and that she keeps him happy because i didnt and i know what it felt like.... like a ton of blocks crushing down when he stopped calling me and stopped talking to me all at once no i needed like a jake patch i couldnt quit cold turkey i still need closeure and it was like what exactly a yearago last monday he stopped talking to me.... ok ok thats sad very very sad... anyways moving on i now do have a bf but i found out this week that it will never be a serious relationship hes so imature its not even funny!!! lol i had major surgery done and i hardly get a call. lol sad huh? yeah so a week after i have it all done he calls which was today and he say hey sexy lets go to the mall i was like umm no you mean you didnt even remember and hes like uhh oh well that was like a week ago right ? your ok now huh? im like no ass hole im not "ok" im still in pain lots of PAIN! at that ohhhhhhh!!!! and then after i ws done saying all that he says oh so how are you feeling? haha yeah ASS HOLE what ever im not even going to bother with it im going to pretend hes not my bf when im not with him but when im with him i will just have fun with him... i know thats mean but he disurves it and i diserve to have a little fun so lol lets just day im using him for ass! oh yes i am he will be my peace of ass that i dont really cre about.... HEY kinda like what jake did to me when we where such "good friends" on i didnt have it comign to me i was always more then nice to him! Ass hole this whole world covered in ass holes!!! oh yeah and as for the surgery i had i got nose job and chin implant yup so thats a bug change in my life now! only it hurts! eeekkkk lol well at least jake asked me nicely how i was feeling unlike matt but lol im not getting in to that anymore! well i should go to bed now but that was the tip of my new life now im going from ugly to hot and guys are going to want me i know it guys are going to be asking for my number and i could turn them down too if i want i will be able to go on a date instead of "driving" matt to the fucking mall lol sad just sad well i will be sure to update more now... Current Mood: flirtyCurrent Music: "I hate everything about you" 3 days grace
making me wish i had an ax and could chop off his balls then he wouldnt even make anyone feel like i did Current Mood: sickCurrent Music: Belle & Sebastion - get me away from here im dieing
|Friday, March 19th, 2004|
Jake makes me feel like the lowest person ever its like he doesnt care i dont care why should he care i dont know whatever im going to bed night Current Mood: blankCurrent Music: whatever
|Wednesday, March 17th, 2004|
|i hate you
I know all i talk about is jake this and jake that but he really pisses me off and what pisses me more off is i cant tell him that im pissed at him no i have to pretend that hes not there and that im a happy person but im not a "happy" person with him because hes an ass hole and thats all there is too it i mean after what he has done to me i dont care... even though he didnt "do" anything to me it just pisses me off that he says fall in love with me fall in love with me and i do... i even tell him i am in love with him and its like well i got her lets try something new and not a call not one fucking phone call! Current Mood: angry
|Tuesday, March 9th, 2004|
Well Its been a while... Well what has been going on with my life? humm well my mom thinks I'm suisideal, how ever you spell that... well yeah anyways she took me to a shrink who is very annoying! let me tell you! How am I suppost to tell her everything about me when I hate her lol well anyways they put me on zoloft, Yeah its alright but my mom is a nag so lol it kinda sucks! Well I meet this guy... on the internet Hes so nice and hot but I kinda stopped talking to him... I didnt want to get too close you know, but i call him everynight all the way in new york!! Current Mood: geeky
|Friday, January 2nd, 2004|
i dont know what to do its a never ending circle... I feel so drained! Current Mood: drainedCurrent Music: modest mouse
|Monday, December 8th, 2003|
Yeah ok jake is all kinds of depressed and in his live journal hes all like i need to talk to someone anyone... so im like yeah he "says" we are good friends so i decide to IM him and hes like yeah i dont want to talk to YOU i wanna talk to des. im like ass hole ahhhh shut up fine you dont want to talk thats fine i was just trying to help... ahhh ass! i dont see why i even talk to him i mean its not doing me any good i realize he will pick up my spirits and with out him i prob. would have killed my self a long ass time ago but now its like he picks me up then drops me and stomps on me and spits! sigh, I dont know hes a very strange friend,
|Sunday, December 7th, 2003|
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
I realized I act like The brady bunch but i feel like sad. Only worse and more extream and as for my "sicirotrist" shes a dumb dits! Well jake did it again... He yelled at me becasue I asked him how he was doing and he said not to good and i asked why and hes like des's mom hates me and i said im sure she dont hate you and he said "You " don't know! "You" don't know what is like blah blah blah and i said Ok ok Im sorry i just wanted to help then he was all like aww im sorry ashley i didnt want to come off as a prick and he said how much he loved me and how much he would date me "IF" he didnt have a gf well blah who cares I hate this love me hate me thing personaly he says im his niceist best friend ever then he refuses to talk to me.
|Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003|
|OH MY FUCKING GOD!
Just got done reading a bit of tylers journal and hes going to flex! WELL FUCK THAT IM DROPPING OUT! arrrrrggggg If he came to flex i would shoot my self how in the fucking world would i act i mean come on thats like my terf! my god i hate this!
Well moving on IM GETTING DSL well in about 12 hours goodbye dile up hello fast internet! KICK ASS its too bad none of my friends know what dsl is so they can rejoys in my happy ness well "jake" would be excited for me if he was ever home i mean he hasn't even updated his L.J. for like a week! that means hes not home and hes with his "new/old" girlfriend fuck her for taking away my jakie! no really i don't know her but from what i have heard she acts like a bitch and jake thinks hes lucky to have her but i think she is way lucky to have him! I mean come on he would jump off a cliff for her and she wont even talk to him liek an adult calling him names and not apriceating what he does for her! I mean he wrote her like 5 love songs and what does she give him! she says he doesnt love her and that he wont pay attention to her i mean he goes to her house like for mounths at a time and he cant even visit me! i mean when im taken thats when he shows intorest! blah fuck it ! Current Mood: pissed offCurrent Music: switchfoot only hope
|Thursday, November 27th, 2003|
so yeah jake has a new car great and you know what i bet i will never see him anyway lol its not like hes dropping everything anymore to spend a little time with ashley nope not me lol he has better and bigger things and to think he was my best best friend and yeah!! im kinda pissed he wont even talk to me!
moving on sheri is a bitch all she thinks about is her self her fucking self i mean come on! all she talks about is her life and how fucking great it is or how fucking bad it is im like BITCH! ohhhh i could kill her! i will be like in the middle of something and i will be watching her eyes and they will driffed off and as soon as im done talking she says something like oh thats great well timmy is coming over tom. blah blah blah... eeeeeeerrrrrrr i even asked her i says " sheri do you hate me?" she says "no" in a plain voice not even worried why i asked that haha so im like well you sure act like it and she says "oh" ggggrrrrrrr i cant even get my sister to spend time with me!!!! And if we do its always rub my back rub my neck blah blah blah then she will be like why dont you have a bf why why why im like BECAUSE I DONT WANT ONE!! and shes like why and im like BECAUSE IM A FRECK THAT GUYS DONT LIKE!! grrrrr
so some more people that bug the hell out of me... my theropist ahhhh shes such a bitch she only bad mouths my family and then has the nerve to say to me wow ashley your life is fucked up lets play a game im like WHAT!! i just told you a bunch of stuff and you wanna play a "game" ahhhhh and she is always looking in my eyes always always always i mean normaly i can get some one to stp looking at me by dropping my gaze to the floor then they also but not her shes always looking in my eyes like any min. she could just pull out a knife and cut my head off its sp fucking annoying! ahhhhhh i will write later
|Thursday, November 20th, 2003|
Well found out jake is beck with des! Yes it is fate it really is but i cant feel but a little sad... I sometimes feel like he leeds me on and then pushes me away... but i will let it go he seems happy so i suppose I am also happy. Its just we have so much in comin i mean i know we are quite far from age but still... he loves computers as do i we both love the same music the same styles. well when i was dating tyler "the one i thought i loved" i was soooo happy to be with soooo happy and he knew that and still he was suducting me to thinking tyler was not right and he was. so i finaly started to drift away from him and then jake moves for like 4 months on the same day jake left tyler dumps me! if i had only known this was going to happon i would have stayed with tyler and tryed to please him anyway i could so we would have a better relationship mre meaning full! but no i didnt see it i didnt even know he would do this and i hate my self for it! i hate my self so much for not knowing! i mean i should have known jake is just a big player but i thought just maybe.. just maybe he ment all the things he said to me! ahhhh im crushed and he wants me to do a happy dance! well i will put on that happy face and play along...he says he loves me as a friend But I was stupid and thought more of it. i knew but i was too late! now hes with her and she seems cool but i dont know i cant help but feel a bit sad! anyways im sorry im blabing on like this but it makes me mad! I miss his singing, like he used to... he made a song for me back in the day a long while ago he would sit with me on his bed and play the guitar and sing... I miss the late night calls we would stay up untill morning just talking never wanting to let go never hanging up and eventualy he fell asleep (well once he did). i havnt had a call from him in over 3 months and nothing like that since june. he used to call me his ashley he would come up and hug me and say this is MY ashley mine mine mine even while i dated tyler we would sneek off and kiss. dont get my wrong my life is better because of him! WAY BETTER but jake you have brought love hate and sadness into my life. you know if i could wish anything ANYTHING over 100 computers over 1million dollers over ANYTHING i would wish for one last day with him like it used to be i would wish to go back to jeffs house when we layed on the bed and he just kissed me and held me tight and told me everything will be ok everything will turn out great! but i cant it will never be that again! it will never turn out like that not anyday not ever! He will stay with des for the rest of his life... or untill he gets bord it is fate and i know it and he knows it he knows that he will be happy with her and he wouldnt be with me since im only 16 and hes 18 and his gf is 21 a whole 21! i know if i where him i would pick this butifull lady this girl that has so much going for her she so full of energy so nice and sweet and look at me im crap! im not pretty im not full of energy all i am is a shy girl that puked at the movies with him! Current Mood: numbCurrent Music: modest mouse
|Wednesday, November 5th, 2003|
I know that he hurt your heart,
Broke it in a million pieces,
And left you lonely.
Cry your eyes into a bloody red color,
He was your first and only true lover.
I've told you time and time again,
You need a man like me.
Someone who will give you everything,
And love you endlessly.( Read more... )