In Case You're Listening's Journal

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

4:19PM

wow, i havent really updated in a while. im now a "proud" employee of Meijers. woot woot. the lady that trained me is weird...really weird. Anywho, i dont have to work tomorrow which rocks because andy doesnt either. but i have to work on friday, then come home, change and see andy because he has surgery on his mizzouth that day. WELL i dont know what else to type.

(tell me a story)

4:19PM

wow, i havent really updated in a while. im now a "proud" employee of Meijers. woot woot. the lady that trained me is weird...really weird. Anywho, i dont have to work tomorrow which rocks because andy doesnt either. but i have to work on friday, then come home, change and see andy because he has surgery on his mizzouth that day. WELL i dont know what else to type.

(1 bloody rhyme | tell me a story)

Tuesday, September 9, 2003

4:13PM - im a mutha fuckin p-i-m-p

so yeah, my aunt carole died on wednesday, its now friday, and i just found out today, her funeral is tomorrow and sunday up in lapeer, so i can now add the 8th notch to my "funeral stick". its sad but shes way better off up there than she was down here, she had a lot of cancer raging through her body and she could barely talk. they sent me $25 for graduation, $25 they really dont have to give, it was the sweetest present ive ever gotten. i think im going to give them the $50 thats chillin in my pocket, i dont know i have to talk to my dad about it. Anywho, they'll be home on monday and i have a few days to clean my bedroom. hahaha its a disaster area. *sigh* im going to miss my aunt carole. her body wont be at the funeral by request of my uncle john. they werent really related to us, my uncle john used to be married to my moms oldest sister and he kinda just stuck around, even after he married aunt carole. This really sucks for uncle john, he didnt deserve this, especially after aunt linda was such a bitch to him. whats with my moms sisters being retarded? or her brother dieing? there is only one of her sisters that isnt fucked up anymore and thats auntie lois, she used to do a lot of drugs but shes a lot better now, and then my aunt fuh fuh (martha) is dating some retard that wont let her see her own fucking family and her daughters are messed up now, and my uncle phil died, as well as his son, oh yeah aunt fuhf's oldest daughter died before i was born, and my uncle bob died, jeeze, its crazy.

ive been to 1 cousins funeral
2 great grandma's
2 uncles
1 grandpa
1 friends mother
and now aunt carole's.

hmm i know one person whose been to like 14 funerals, by the time she was like...15 or something like that. thats a lot.

the funeral home that my grandpa was at, my godmother grew up in, well she had friends that lived in the funeral home. lol she used to reak havoc when there were funerals goin on. lol that would have been fun.

Anywho, life is pretty good, although stressfull - kitty is now being depressed, san and leesa broke up, shantas getting better which is a big help seeming as how the weight of my friend's depression has been weighting me down. i dont think anyone realizes it, but my friends do affect me. i dont mind at all, but sometimes its really stressful, ive learned to deal with the stress though because i like to be there for my friends, i like it a lot.

today were supposed to go pick up andy's new car ^_^ so i shall go.

Current mood: blank

(1 bloody rhyme | tell me a story)

1:57PM - moo haa haa



Current mood: amused
Current music: foo fighters - walking after you

(tell me a story)

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

2:33PM - No Excuses.

You know its hard for me to see when your hands block my view
these rigid lines and broken dreams do nothing more than cause confusion
So turn away your heart, because it'll only be shattered in the end
I tried to frame this utopia
But i awoke to find my paradise a dream
And most of all a lie
So murder these intentions
And lay your fears to rest because ill be gone when you finally open your eyes
The bags under your eyes only weigh you down so shut your eyes
And sleep some more
because you dont need my hand over your mouth to keep you from screaming
This hellish nightmare will fade away with the morning dew
And find you apple cheeked and beautiful as you once were
before i stole your heart
And smashed those silly inhibitions
The ones that clouded your head
Youre an absurd creature
And theres no excuse for you.


I wrote that a while ago, i just forgot about it. i like it.

Current mood: creative

(7 bloody rhymes | tell me a story)

Sunday, August 17, 2003

10:11PM

ich wuensche mir dass ich spreche und schreibe Deutsch sehr gut, aber ich kann nicht...ich hoffe dass ich kann zu Deutschland fleigen (fly???)...ich weiss nicht.

If anyone from Germany happens to stumble on this or someone who speaks and writes fluently, kannst du bitte helfen mir?? Ive had 3 years of german in high school, but with noone to talk german with, im losing it!!!

Current mood: hopeful

(3 bloody rhymes | tell me a story)

Thursday, August 14, 2003

1:26AM

I updated earlier...im too tired to now.

(2 bloody rhymes | tell me a story)

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

1:37PM

So i had the craziest dream last night...San died, and we were sitting in my sister's trailor making things to put in his casket, i was sitting all quietly then all of a sudden i just started bawling uncontrollably. Everyone tried to comfort me. But it didnt work. I started having flashbacks of all the good times ive had with san, and i started crying even more. Anywho, the weird thing about this dream was that it was all in french. I dont know much more about the dream, i know there were some crazy weird parts to it, but i lost them when i woke up. Now, i am sitting here talking to landon, putting my socks on and typing in here, oh and listening to music too. Hmm, im very happy today, i feel very light-hearted. Its nice. Anywho, im going to get going, put my shoes on and figure out something to do. maybe go job hunting to keep my dad off my back, but then again, i decided to go to college in january so i think hes happy about that.

Current mood: energetic
Current music: gin blossoms - til i hear it from you

(tell me a story)

1:38AM - "And its only you who can turn my wooden heart"

I dont care anymore, im sick of being depressed anymore, so you know what? im going to give it up and start living my life for myself. if you want me...call me...if not im not going to make an attempt to hang out. Then i'll see where im wanted and where im not. Tonight was nice. Andy and i went to meijer, the usual, walked around...you know. Then we came home and played mancala, then made love. it was nice. He is so gorgeous. i Love him so much. ^_^ anyhow. "I feel no more, cant explain, frozen to myself, i got nobody on my side and surely that aint right"

Current mood: determined
Current music: Portishead - Roads

(tell me a story)

Monday, August 11, 2003

12:03PM - Hollow and Alone

"The placing goes slowly, the picture's of anything other than its meant to be."

Thats how my friends life feels, it sucks, because i feel so distant from everyone and noone really cares. I got this journal for personal reasons, ill still write in my written one, but this is more effective because its easier and faster to type than to hand write...maybe when i get a printer i'll print these out and put them in a binder. maybe not, who knows? i want to hang out with more people...nikkies stupid (but incredibly cute) rabbit peed on my bed...his name is thumper, i wanted it to be Mr. Mumples. it's wayyy cooler. She won him at a carnival. i thought you only won fish and toys and pictures at carnivals, not bunnies. that would be sweet if you could win a kitty. Wednesday we're going to the armada fair, should be fun. but im not sure who we're goin with...im sure shanta will want to go...maybe i'll ask jess and san if they want to go also. I dunno. Im so sick of feeling so alone. Its not andy, because he makes me feel so amazing, hes more than i could ever ask for, but i need other human contact. Noone understands that. We went to charlevoix this weekend, it was pretty sweet. Leesa screamed when she seen andy shanta and i in her room. She almost cried, i think it was the best birthday present for her yet. But yeah, we went to the art fair, and stuff, then we went to traverse city, then we sat at the beach for hours san ran around without pants on and tripped over a wire that was holding the volleyball net up, we went to petoskey, it was a cute little town, i love it up there, i want to move up there. shantas goin to, so itd be sweet if andy, shanta, leesa, san and i were up there and we had fun all the time in charlevoix. But san thinks him and leesa wont last that long, and im afraid that he'll just cut himself off from this part of his friends. Ive learned who my friends are, and who are just acquaintances. i only have 3. Andy, shanta, and Leesa...i know i'll never lose touch with them. I mean, maj is my friend...but he probably only sees me as someone his brother is going to marry...so im not too important...im just there. Oh well. I think im just going to forget about finding people and start looking for myself. It seems that when i finally find my place, something happens to make me doubt it. I know my place is with andy, shanta, and leesa. But when brad was still my friend i felt so accepted with maj and eric and paolo, and it felt good. Oh well i guess...its not that important.

Run through me, forget me.

Current mood: sleepy

(1 bloody rhyme | tell me a story)