Something has changed within me; something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game
Too late for second guessing; too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...and leap...

Date:	2009-10-25 15:58
Subject:	Vikes 6-1
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	Mike Fey f/ Alexa Prax: Bend It or Break It

You know what? I'm really okay with the outcome of this game. Disappointed in a loss, of course. But we did much, much better than I expected we'd do. To be within striking distance of a win at the 2 minute warning was incredibly satisfying.

Of course I'm aggravated by the mistakes, the excessive penalties, and the penalty call on Sydney Rice's catch that resulted in no score (I think the call was bull). But given that everyone seemed to think that Pittsburgh was going to blow my boys out of the water, I'm satisfied.

Rice had a great game. A.P. didn't get many chances but he had some great runs toward the end. Harvin's kickoff return was epic. But perhaps my favorite moment of the game was seeing Favre sprint down the field to provide support when Harvin went down on his bum shoulder. (Well, and the fact that Harvin was able to get right back in.) I know I'm a touchy-feely interpersonal sort, but that kind of team connectedness (such as the Favre/Harvin mentor/mentee relationship) makes me incredibly happy to be a Minnesota Vikings fan.

Skol, Vikings!

Because it's me: I have words. Millions of them, jumbled up in my brain and my heart and the pit of my stomach. Because it's me, they rattle around inside me, taking up space and focus and filling me up until I can't hardly breathe.

Because it's you: I can't use them. Not a single perfect phrase volunteers to purge itself through my pen. Because it's you, they ping against my skull and twist underneath my skin, and live and die quietly, wretchedly, inside my soul.

You said to me tonight: "I can see the light in you dying."

And I looked to you, my eyes rimmed in red. Please, I thought, not another loss. Not yet. I squeezed my lashes together, ran my palms across my cheeks, and transferred the wetness from my hands onto the thighs of my jeans.

When the light is gone, there's nothing left.

Tomorrow morning, before I go to work, I have to figure out how to say goodbye to my Melli dog.

She's being put to sleep on Saturday. I'm going to be in PI with my besties for the weekend, so tomorrow morning will be the last chance I have to see her.

I have no idea how to do that, and then manage to make it through the rest of the day.

You Are Calm and Comforting

You're the type of person who can sit all day in order to keep someone in need company. You are kind and giving. Helping other people is your one, true person in life. You give a first impression of blending in. And it's somewhat true - you need to be drawn out. You are an armchair spiritual leader. You can bring peace to those who can't usually be comforted.

You Are "All You Need is Love"

You are compassionate, kind, and giving. You truly believe that love can heal the world. In some ways, you are a bit of hippie. You think that peace is still very undervalued in this world. You feel like people make life too complex. Happiness is often as simple as just allowing yourself to be happy. There isn't much people really need in this life. If you're truly loved, then you're lucky.

"There comes a time in every life, when the world gets quiet, and all that's left is your heart."

- Sarah Dessen

Oh, to take sorrow and use it as a crutch
And have all you need and never know it as such
Oh, to want the warmth of fire and get the burn of its touch
I think about you way too much

The devil's got my secret; he swore he'd never tell
I left it for safe-keeping -- I'll pick it up in hell

A match is struck only once, the thought's struck more than twice
Honesty's a virtue that is wavering like a vice
Yeah, it screams in two directions; yeah, it cuts like a knife
I'll think about you all my life

The devil's got my secret; he swore he'd never tell
I left it for safe-keeping -- I'll pick it up in hell

Should I choose the one way, my life goes on
My world's not broken, my home's not gone
Oh, but should I choose the other, so sweet, and wrong
No, I'll think about you, then continue on

The devil's got my secret; he swore he'd never tell
I left it for safe-keeping, and, oh, he keeps it well
The devil's got my secret; he swore he'd never, never tell
I left it for safe-keeping -- I'll pick it up in hell
I will pick it up in hell
I will pick it up in hell

- Mieka Pauley, "The Devil's Got My Secret", from the album Elijah Drop Your Gun

You Dance Through Life

Your journey through life is inspired, creative, and optimistic. You are an engaging, positive person - and you're always looking for the possibilities in life. You hope to motivate and uplift other people. You want to change the world in your own little way. You are confident and expressive. You're happy with who you are, as unique and different as you might be.

( I laughed my ass off. Bolded ones are most true for me. )

Oh, and also:

Your Name Comes From Jupiter

You are an open-minded, adventurous person who has an expansive view of the world. You are quite cosmopolitan, and inflexibility of any wort really turns you off. You're outgoing, warm, and jovial. You are willing to welcome all newcomers into your life. You celebrate life every single day. There's so much to learn and do. You love to take it all in.

This is a good thing to read. It's written by an Australian citizen, so I can't verify that every fact is right. But it was interesting to read anyway.

Give me a moment; give me a clue
Tell me anything, as long as it's true
Give me heartache (that's what you do)
Tell me you want me; I'm sick of being used

I send my heart to you, but you never care
You never do

So build me up bridges, build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you'll love me soon

You didn't know that I cried in my room every night
Maybe it's not 'cause of you
But it'd be easier if you needed me, too

I send my heart to you, but you never care
You never do

So build me up bridges, build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you'll love me soon

I cannot stop, I cannot smile
I know we weren't meant to be
But I want you here with me.

So build me up bridges, build me the moon
Tell me you love me
Tell me you'll love me soon

- Charlotte Sometimes, "Build Me The Moon", from the album Waves and the Both of Us

( In a corner of my mind... )

You Are Right Brained in Love

When it comes to love, you go with your gut not with your head. You have an open heart. You fall in love easily and get hurt just as easily. You are spontaneous with relationships. You go with the flow and don't worry about the future. You are romantic, empathetic, and caring. More than most people, you really love being in love.

Your Dream Guy is Edward

You are a true romantic, and for you, love is a very emotional and passionate thing. You want to be wooed, charmed, and even seduced. You have old fashioned ideas about romance. You don't mind being with a protective guy like Edward, as long as he has your best interests at heart. You like being taken care of completely, even if things get a little intense at times.

You Are Ethical and Generous

You are driven to be the best. You have sky high ambitions and standards. People may think that you are hard on them, but you are the hardest on yourself. You may be hard working, but you're not selfish. You work hard because you want the world to be a better place. You give until it hurts and then still keep giving. Very few people appreciate all that you do.

Date:	2009-08-13 01:07
Subject:	Perseids
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	Parachute: She Is Love

One day, I'm going to bring someone -- whoever he is -- to this very place in mid-August. We'll lay together in a cocoon of blankets on my private second-story deck, sequestered in the dark; and in the vast stretch of sky between the roof of the house to the east and the tall oak trees to the west, we'll count shooting stars with kisses.

Every once in awhile I like to update my ColorGenics profile, given life circumstances, etc. And as always, I'm completely blown away by the accuracy. I think it's all malarkey, but it's suspiciously accurate malarkey...

Check my most recent profile out. I would bold the sentences that resonate the most with me...but then I'd be bolding everything except the last sentence. And I think that I can concede that that last sentence may fit me, of late.

( ColorGenics )

I really don't need to be sick on top of everything else...

A double shot of Nyquil will knock me out for tonight, and copious amounts of Dayquil will likely get me through tomorrow. From there on out, it's anybody's game.