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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
7:00 pm
So I'm back.. in more ways than one.

Back in freezing cold melbourne, back to updating this thing hopefully semi regularly.

I've been having fun, letting myself think about things I haven't thought about in a long time. As sad as it sounds, I think I might be falling in love with one of my best friends. I've been talking to him a whole lot recently.. every day we sit and chat. He's going to come over from Syd and visit.. and he's thinking about moving here.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Too weird. too happy. something's gonna go wrong.

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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
7:41 pm
I am cranky and full of teenage-like angst. This is what happens when you spend too long sharing a house with your parents.

*snarls*

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Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
12:37 pm
It amuses me when my parents think that what they see while I'm in front of them is how I act the rest of the year. While I'm visiting them I don't pay for groceries and transport and just about everything else, so all of that budget goes on my sad little addiction of pants and skechers. My mum thinks I'm a bit flighty with money, saying that if she died now I'd probably go on a vintage runners binge and end up with 50 pairs.. until I pointed out that I probably own 50 pairs already :)

Most of the year I don't have that extra $100 or so a week just to spend on my own personal fancies.. of course I'm going to go a little bit crazy.

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Saturday, June 28th, 2003
10:02 am
Where did I go?

I'm in Texas :)

Time got a little bit away from me for a while, what with trying to finish up the semester in 2 weeks rather than 4, packing, cleaning, cooking, recovering from too many illicit substances at Slinky (best night ever!).

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a big bad flirt. I love the attention, I love collecting little trophies and hearts, but the minute it gets the least bit serious I'm off and running. I also think, once again, that perhaps I should have been a boy.

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Monday, May 26th, 2003
3:35 pm
I'm neglectful.

I've been struggling a lot recently with being sick, my arthritis has flared really badly so I'm living swaddled in heatpacks and blankets and anything to try and take the chill out of my bones and the pressure off my joints.

Apart from that life i pretty boring. Slowly working on my assignments for school, sleeping lots and lots. Spending too mch time on irc talking to the boys :) Trying to get tickets sorted out for my trip to visit my parents.. and on and on.

Everything changes and everything stays exactly the same.

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Saturday, May 10th, 2003
3:01 pm
Hey, I feel happy and positive. what happened?

Went to see the disability liaison person today, and she told me she would get me weeks extension on all my assignments, special consideration, extended exam time and support my request to have early exams so I can go visit my family. Yay.

I've been thinking a lot about how I was 8 - 10 years ago and how much I've changed in terms of personality. I used to be really outgoing and sociable and ultra femme, and always surrounded (platonic) by guys. Now I tend to stay home most of the time, even when I am feeling well, never wear makeup or skirts and have really only female friends.

I'm totally not happy about the female friends thing. I bitch about them all SO MUCH because I can't stand the way most of them communicate. Like, I do like them, they just shit me to bits 90% of the time. Make sense? Only in my little universe.

I just remade contact with a guy friend of mine who I've known for about 8 years, after a years silence, and we talked about him needing to get laid, beer and porn. Good convo :)

With a girl they would be wanting to know about relationships and money and work and stuff. He just wanted to know that I was still the same silly girl he's liked all along. I told him to pack up and come visit me after I get back from Tx..

<3 my boys.. I should try and track a few more of them down.

current mood: chipper

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Thursday, May 8th, 2003
4:23 pm - fucked.rooted.dead.gone
I'm officially fucked. Can't leave the house fucked. Only 3 more weeks of semester and 3 *major* assignments kind of fucked.

I'm so tempted to just book a plane ticket and leave now. My parents have kind of indicated that they would be OK, if not happy, for me to do that, but I sort of feel as though I have too much investd in this semester to throw it all away. And also, if I fuck this semester up can forget about graduating, I'll be kicked out of my course.. I've already been told that.

My chest hurts when I breathe :(

Fuck, I'm a whiny cow.. no wonder I only have one 'friend' :P

Hi innen :)

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Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
10:49 pm
It's been building for a while. Getting ready to once again try and take over my life and do all sorts of disgustingly melodramatic-sob-story-esque.. I'm having a wonderful thing known as a CFS relapse. I don't make much sense most of the time, I fall asleep, I'm oversensitive to smells and foods. I'm cranky and cantankerous..

I want to go and see people and do things, but everything hurts. I want to cook and be all domestic, but I'm not trusting myself after I left the stove on accidently for 2 hours and killed a saucepan. This is all poo

Make it go away?

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Monday, April 14th, 2003
3:28 pm
It's been a while.

I'm in a funny place right now.

One of my ex's from about 2 years ago suddenly came to visit and I'm trying to get over the feelings of inadequacy that seeing him stirred up. Every time someone says to you "it's not you, it's me" you know they just want to spare your feelings.. I know I wasn't what he thought was good enough for him. I'm not a safe bet.

Uni is stressing me out horribly, I'm getting through it and I'm doing extremely well, but it's time consuming and painful and feels like I'm in treacle. I kept on using the thought of a month / 6 weeks lying in the sun in Houston to motivate me to keep going, but after seeing our provisional exam timetable, I doubt I'm going to have the time between semesters to go.

My body hurts. It's alienating and I'm disassociating myself from it again. It's more of a struggle because I have very little clothing which actually fits (all too big).. and only limited ability to perform grooming tasks because my right hand is too sore.

One by one I could cope. But I'm feeling a bit under attack.

current mood: sad

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Thursday, March 27th, 2003
2:57 pm
I've been yoyoing like mad this week emotionally. and it's scary. Mega stress bunny on monday, relax a litle on tuesday, major rage attack on wed, relaxed a little today.

With Simon, everything is getting to me. I feel totally powerless because jhe keeps on making comments like "you only acted like that to get me back into a relationship". More to the point, the way I act reflects our history.. and yes, most of that was when we were in a relationship. I don't cook for and look after people I don't care about. I don't subsidise their rent and sympathyse with them because their work is so hard. I can't switch off the way I've been acting instantaneously.

current mood: sad

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Monday, March 24th, 2003
7:47 pm
In other news...

I got an email from the guy I've been thinking about doing things with.. names deleted to protect the guilty.

Hi Abbey,

Thanks for your email. Yes, I have been very busy with work, uni and buildings.

You have still popped into my mind occasionally though.

I've had some lovely thoughts about cleaning your house ... whilst wearing nothing but a collar, followed perhaps by giving you a long slow, full bodied massage.

You also mentioned going out to places in the scene with you and your friend (I can't remember her name). I am very taken by the idea of doing things in public again (I must have an exhibitionist streak in me). I kind of think that at Bound and other places I only participated in very basic and tame public play and hope that could be expanded in lots of ways.
Hey, I have absolutely no inhibitions, so the sky would be the limit for people who might want to use their imagination :)

But for now I have to knuckle down. I'm going to be pretty flat out until around Easter. After that things should start to settle down a bit and I'll be able to think about doing other things. Thanks for thinking of me. I might have to dip out of a coffee or dinner this week but please keep in touch.


all that in response to an invitation to dinner.

Perhaps I'm not so grotesquely sexually undesireable as Simon would want me to think?

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7:45 pm
I need to listen to my close friends when they say they are surprised about something and not sure if it's such a good idea..

Simon had a dummy spit on the weekend and just totally pushed me away. Said quite a lot of hurtful stuff .. said that the only reason he did it was because I seemed to want it so much, and then said he didn't want us to be together and that 'going back' was never an option for him.

I don't understand why people say and do things they don't mean. Why even get yourself into the situation if you are going to freak out a week later?

Meh..

I just got a bill from the psychiatrist for $181 which has me totally reeling as well. I thought that I was going to be bulk billed, that's what my doctor who referred me said, and that's why I gave them my medicare and concession details.

Seems once again that admitting weakness means I get into another situation which I can't handle. It appears to be safer to just shut up and cope.

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Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
10:44 am
I'm going to visit my new psych today...

It's kind of scary and overwhelming and frightening and really good all at the same time. I don't know what she's going to be like.. I don't know what schools of treatment she thinks along, all I know is I have my referral in my bag and I'm going.

Still, I feel a bit silly going, seeing as my original reason was to find ways to deal with work stress.. and that's not really an issue since I quit. The counselor I went to see about the work problems suggested I use this psych to 'explore' my issues with missing out on having a childhood and adolescence and my dad's emotional constipation, but I still feel silly turning up and saying "hi, I'm reasonably happy right now.. but I want to bring up a whole load of crap I've pretty much gotten rid of so we can poke it around some more and make me cry".

That, and I'm really worried about exploring my relationships with someone whose belief system I don't know. the last psych was all fixated on my being a prodomme and was amazed that I had very few issues of any sort getting paid to hurt people .. I never even broached the whole poly issue with him.

Argh.

I'm over thinking this..

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Monday, March 17th, 2003
1:36 pm
A hell of a lot has been happening around here recently.

Simon and I sat down last Monday after Two Tribes (one year to the day after we decided to move in together) and reprocessed our entire relationship, talked about why it went so horribly wrong and what we regretted about our actions in the last year.

He told me that he cheated on me last year, about 2 weeks before I snapped and broke up with him because he had withdrawn so far from me.. (although I'm aware of my own culpability) I'm so angry with him at times for ruining what we had, for not appreciating how hard I'd been working on getting myself put back together at that stage.

We've spent the past week sleeping in the same bed every night, curled up together, almost the way it used to be. We've talked about getting back together, and it's something we are working towards. We've talked about his new girlfriend and how it will affect her and their relationship, and how it will affect me going after P. who I have wanted to do all sorts of things to for 5 years.

It's going to be scary (scarier for him than me), but it just feels so right and good and whole and healthy to be back in this place with him. In the kitchen, laughing as we make dinner, washing up together, preparing his lunches for work .. on the couch sharing our very diverse tastes in TV shows again, challenging each other with weirder and weirder and more flexy-bendy stretches, at the market with him still thinking the way to stop me freaking out in large groups of people is to come up behind me and touch me.

It's amazing to have this second chance, the chance to let myself know fully that *I* was not the reason things went wrong.. this is really scary.

Breathe.

current mood: joyful
current music: Ferry Corstein - Punk

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Thursday, February 6th, 2003
2:44 pm
It's been a while since I started my livejournal, and in that time I realized I really enjoyed writing my thoughts out, enjoyed exploring who I was and who I am now..

Unfortunately, people from my real life found my journal and I stopped feeling like I had the freedom to write about what was happening in my life, without it being used against me at a later date.

Hopefully this time around it will be different

current mood: hopeful

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