I hear voices.. [22 Feb 2003|11:31am] ( ... actual post ... ) 15 comments|post comment

the cast of my life.. [21 Feb 2003|07:54am] ( The cast of my life.. ) 6 comments|post comment

ugh.. [18 Feb 2003|07:52am] I spoke to my dad the other day, he told me that now he's "officially making his plans for retirement".. in reality that means he's "officially making plans for moving to the Phillipines". After years of dealing with my mother, raising my brothers and my sister.. he's running away to the Phillipines, out of reach of us where he can live in peace for the rest of his life. Chris keeps acting more and more like an asshole, spending his money and expecting my father to just give him more, my dad's told him to stop using his taxi service to run him around town.. yet Chris charges money from them to my dad regardless.. he honestly has no respect for him what so ever. Chris acting the way he is, truly is the reason that my dad's moving away. I started taking care of Chris to bring my family back into my life. Because of him my family is breaking apart. Now, realising my father is serious about moving away.. Chris seems to have lost interest in moving out. Maybe he realises he can't be a fuck up and survive on his own after all. But instead of growing up a little, he seems to think that he'll be able to stay with me forever and I'll support him while he throws his life away. But.. If I lose my father because of him. Fuck him. I'll physically throw him out of my house myself.. spitting on him as he lands in the street. *sighs* But can I do that? Throw him out and pretend that I don't care. What a fucking mess my life is. Trapped in a little room. Where the only company you have. Is the person you loathe most. Selected carefully. From anyone you ever met in your entire life. post comment

they should *cough cough* quarantine me.. [18 Feb 2003|04:20am] I'm sick headache sore throat setting in either too hot or too cold like the three bears porridge dizzy and full of.. blah-ness ring a ring of rosies pocket full of posies atichoo atichoo we all fall down ok.. maybe I don't have the black death.. but I had to squeeze in my little burst of melodrama somewhere.. 1 comment|post comment

Confession: part 4.. [17 Feb 2003|07:51am] Fiction: read confession part 1 first.. ( Entry 4 : Yesterday made me smile ) post comment

Confession: part 3.. [17 Feb 2003|07:50am] Fiction: read confession part 1 first.. ( Entry 3 : Yesterday ) post comment

Confession: part 2.. [17 Feb 2003|07:48am] Fiction: read confession part 1 first.. ( Entry 2 : Karen ) post comment

confession.. [17 Feb 2003|04:24am] I started a journal not too long ago trying to escape being myself for a little while, I didn't talk to the people on my friends list, I seldom replied to comments and me and the people upon my friends list had no contact.. I wrote sex stories in it, the stories were partially based on situations that I've experienced.. (the actual sexual acts.. not the situations I put the character in who I was writing about) I tried to portray him as an asshole so that people wouldn't get attached to him in any way.. I didn't truly write a great deal of entries for it.. but.. since I'm admitting to it.. I'll post them here.. Behind the cuts is all adult material and partial fiction.. the character names are borrowed from people I know, but are certainly not the people that I name them after.. ( Entry 1 : random girl a (I'll come to her name later)... don't click if easily offended ) post comment

moral issues.. [15 Feb 2003|04:07am] There's a few questionable moral and ethical issues that I've never really touched on in my journal.. they're the kind of thing that many of you likely have issues with and some of them may make you see me in a different light.. but.. I'll be honest.. Medical Testing - I actually have no issues with testing medical products on animals, I'd rather they be tested on animals than humans.. I'd possibly welcome reduced sentences to some criminals in exchange for willing participation in medical experimentation upon them as well, not the likes of serial killers although. I'm not entirely keen on the idea of testing cosmetics upon animals though. Blood Sports - Fox hunting in England is a contested issue, though I don't believe animals should be allowed to be hunted to extinction and limits imposed, I have no issues with people hunting them if there’s a more than enough to ensure their survival. I don't truly understand how some people will eat chicken, produced from factory farmed chickens and have issues with hunting when it doesn't endanger the survival of the animal as a whole. Cloning - The benefits of the cloning of genetic material will by far outweigh the "are we playing God" dubiousness (yes that's a real word) of it. Being able to produce new organs to replace old ones which will seamlessly integrate into the patients body without chance of rejection will save countless lives, potentially cure the blind, deaf, dumb and enhance life spans of the old, their are countless uses for it. Genetic Engineering - (such as in the movie Gattaca) will save countless more, truly.. if a doctor asked me "want me to make sure your child never develops cancer, aids, mental illnesses and most common diseases?" I'd say.. "is it safe? yes? of course..". If it was truly safe and available to the public, I'd go as far as to call people not having it performed upon their children that could afford it irresponsible. If I condemned my child to be a follower in a world where the leaders were all the children of people who had simply given the doctor a nod when the doctor asked, I'd be an idiot. Abortion - Personal choice, a woman should be allowed to decide if she wishes to have an abortion or not, it should not be a decision for the nation she lives within. Death Penalty - Should be abolished, I agree with lifetime imprisonment.. but murdering people for committing murder is ridiculous, you're truly no better than they are. Euthanasia - People should never be allowed to take their own lives, cures to illnesses could potentially be discovered at any time, people can sometimes make miraculous recoveries in the last moments (one of my older brothers was told he had two weeks to live from cancer at one point and made a complete turn around recovery), I don't think it should ever be allowed. Homosexuality - I believe it's genetic (though I do believe negative experiences with the opposite sex can have an impact also) and thus.. have no issue with it what so ever. Nuclear Warfare - The use of nuclear weapons, I disagree with.. the price is too high, but the development of nuclear technology and the use of radiation for the treatment of disease as a repercussion as well as renewable energy sources, I completely agree with.. mankind has often developed breakthroughs for the purpose of war and then adapted them to other purposes and the threat of nuclear war has likely saved countless lives being spent since the end of world war two. hmm.. there’s likely a lot of issues I've missed, if anyone wants to know my take on any of them.. let me know.. but that's it for now.. 2 comments|post comment

nightmares.. [14 Feb 2003|04:05am] I had the weirdest nightmare.. It started off with me at some award show.. the awards were all being handed out to people as usual.. then the "best producer" category came up, I could hear Chris and his friends talking about "Dr Dre" and I was thinking that's crazy.. then it flicked to a gang of mexicans, who were sick of people voting for stupid people and decided to do something about it.. they got up on stage and somehow managed to take control of the whole situation.. there wasn't any security guards, I kept asking people why there wasn't any security guards and they said that the was no bullets available so the guards wouldn't work that day.. I remember talking to the mexicans and telling them that people had faught and died to be able to achieve democracy.. then one of them attacked me for saying that.. It flicks away to a woman, she's wandering through a building when a guy bursts out of a door and starts running down the stairs in terror.. then a guy wrapped in bags but able to move comes out and asks her to get help, he then runs away too.. she walks inside and theres posters of Edgar Allen Poe on the walls.. she doesn't recognise him and thinks they look just like her best friends ex boyfriend.. wandering into the room that the two came out of.. the floor is scattered with bodys, completely wrapped in trash bags as though to suffocate them.. theres rooms filled with them.. she walks through the rooms in horror and stoops down to try and tear one open, it's reinforced with tape and is incredibly tough to tear (the bag's been put on then clear tape wrapped around and around) she gets panicked and runs out of the room and the building.. The building turns out to be in my city (where I live in person) and I recognise the surroundings.. she calls her best friend and tells her that her ex boyfriend just did this whole tying people up in bags thing (because of the posters) her best friend says "no this wasn't supposed to happen, I only slept with him like 30 times, this was supposed to be an easy break up" then a car pulls up.. flicks to the woman on the other end of the phone (the best friend) she gets called by a guy.. (someone connected to it all, who just got the 1st womans phone) and he talks to her for a second and she realises the posters wern't of her ex.. and that her ex looks a lot like edgar allen poe.. they use global positioning on the cell phone crazily quickly and know her whereabouts though.. Flicks back to 1st woman.. running away from the people in the car, the car is chasing her.. I woke up then.. it was an issue trying to wake up.. while I was still mostly asleep but awake, I was convincing myself I had to stay in the dream and run away.. anyways.. post comment

apathy.. [13 Feb 2003|04:03am] Theres one exception to what I'm about to write.. I've come to feel that I'm devoid of emotion, I'm unable to feel anything.. I never have good days.. I do a good job of putting on a smile and a laugh here and there.. but their fake.. I do them because I'm expected to and not because I truly feel I should.. if you don't laugh when someone's joking with you it offends them.. so I do.. if you don't smile when someones smiling at you.. you run the same risk.. I don't like making people feel bad, so I do.. I can feel worry, pain, anxiety, stress, hurt.. not happiness, not joy, none of the happier lighter emotions ever strike me anymore.. I used to be talkative.. outgoing.. motivated.. Now I'm quiet.. apathetic.. lazy.. I lose interest in everything in my life, except people.. but I lose interest in making effort to make them part of my life after a while.. and they have to take over, I come back around to them if they do try.. but.. it happens that way.. If I find something new, I either overdo it and burn myself out.. or wake up one morning and decide just not to do it anymore.. or something little will happen and I'll think "I should do that instead".. my mind lacks discipline and control.. I wander from point to point in life not really knowing what to do next.. and abandoning what I was doing part way after I focus my attention having grown tired of it for no reason at all.. I do it with really important things too and everyday things.. I just give up doing them.. My room is filled with trinkets and boxes full of things I attach sentimental value to and refuse to ever throw out.. though I never look at them, some of them I packed five years ago when I first moved out of my dad's house.. I've not unpacked them since, I've rummaged through all those boxes looking for books before though, when I didn't know which box I had put them in.. but I never go into them for the sake of looking at things.. I've had a "I must do this or something bad will happen" thought process that attaches itself in so many ways to so many different things since I was very very little.. even before my life became crappy.. (though saying that it's always been quite bad.. but back then it was a walk in the park compared to now) I know that to be a sign of obsessive compulsive disorder.. My insomnia is driving me nuts too.. I hear things, not like my brother.. but things I hear all the time.. I hear them again at inappropriate times.. I heard my kettle switch turn off (like it does when it finishes boiling) while in my living room, I hear the ringing of aim and yahoo windows when I wander around my house.. only I don't hear them.. I remember hearing them, but as though it happened a moment ago.. this.. is isolated to when I have very little sleep although.. I think.. My head hurts a lot recently.. pressure on the front of my head.. my mother used to complain constantly about headaches there.. that worries me sometimes.. I feel complete and utter apathy towards the world and I have no concept why.. There must to be something wrong with me.. 2 comments|post comment

*bâillement* [12 Feb 2003|04:03am] you always make lights look lonely the compliment that made me smile the most about my photo's ( same again in colour ) 1 comment|post comment

solace.. [08 Feb 2003|04:02am] "I have never seen Athieism dry the tears of a widowed bride. I have never seen Athieism comfort the single mother. I have never seen Athieism calm the spirit of a distressed father. And I have never seen Athieism offer hope to the hopeless, forgiveness to the sinner, and grace and mercy to all who ask it." - Logan McAdams Yesterday while in the cathedral I saw an old lady, she approached a table that I had not been paying attention to and while I was photographing a window I heard the sound of a pen being placed onto the table.. glancing over I saw her lighting a candle and placing it in a holder. I wandered to the table a moment later after she had left, and noticed a box and some small pieces of card beside it.. it was in order to request the cathedral pray for whatever was wrote upon the note.. I took one and began writing. I have more problems concerning me than I talk about in my journal, some of them much more serious, but I fail to talk about them to prevent them.. gaining substance.. becoming real.. I would rather not think of them and cast them aside as nothing until I'm forced to confront these hidden demons. But in that cathedral, I first wrote them down.. requesting they pray in assistance.. for in that place it truly seemed that my thoughts would not gain weight from being written, there was barely enough room to write them down and as soon as I had left the cathedral I remembered other things I should have asked for. When I think back to the list I wrote down, I wonder if they will believe it to be true, or will they be stunned for a moment and wonder who wrote it. I still do not know where that old lady found that candle.. post comment

try again.. [07 Feb 2003|04:01am] The sky was overcast outside when I went today, (as per usual in England) and it really was quite dark inside.. but I tried again, my alignment still seems funny though.. and I know I was trying to line things up, using guidelines.. it seems to stand out most on the third one, I used the black lines on the window itself on that particular picture.. but.. the stones at the bottom seem out of line by me doing it that way, I guess I should have used those instead. ( ... click ... ) post comment

eight memories.. [06 Feb 2003|04:01am] "did you hear that?" "what? no" "sometimes I just need to hear someone else tell me it's not real" "someday it'll be all over and it won't be a nightmare anymore" "honestly?" "yeah" "I think I'm gay" "would you have sex with a guy?" "no" "how are you gay?" "I keep thinking eminem looks good" "that's admiration, would you get eminem naked, in bed with you?" "no.. you're right" thirty minutes later.. "thanks peter, for being ace" "it's not that I think suicide is a way to end it all, I'm just bored and it's something new to do, to see what it's like after you die, it just seems a good idea" "can we throw away all the ornaments?" "why?" "I think she's spying on me through them" "she isn't" "please?" "I guess" "he was just staring at me" "that's because you were staring at him" "no" "I just watched you stare at him the entire time" "I wasn't, he was staring at me" "how do you know he was staring at you the entire time then?" "he was" "there must be something stopping you, if you wanted to do it by now, you would have" "my family" "please peter" "no" post comment

Carlisle Cathedral.. [05 Feb 2003|04:00am] ( .. dial up users might want to skip this .. ) post comment

and the buzzing fades.. [03 Feb 2003|03:58am] for the first 30 seconds of every minute my clock ticks louder I hear the voices of the television set upstairs they're always there he leaves his television on always even when he leaves the house I think he likes to never be in silence I act like words will never hurt me but words cut deeper than any knife physical pain fades and its memory, it remains but in a different way to me at least I remember "that hurt" but to remember how pain feels.. I cannot to remember how words hurt I merely need to remember them spoken and once again the wound lays open "to kill a man is to make him die but once.. to kill those he loves is to kill him a thousand times" that was in a movie, I forget which one movies, modern day storytelling watch a book in two hours we'll skip over the plot skip character development stereotype some people and put them in a situation to entertain people make fun of movies one of the earlier forms of theatre "commedia dell'arte" it's italian don't you know.. stereotyped characters put them in situations to entertain why do some people that make fun of movies, never make fun of theatre? because it's artistic and because my artform requires money and because for it to make money everybody must be beautiful and because teenage kids see it and say "wow.. that's cool" my artwork is no longer art I'm sorry that people like my work perhaps if my movies were never popular until after I died? then perhaps they would be art? perhaps if they were so abstract that only an 'elite' group understood, then they would be art? movies are theatre where instead of a stage, you use a location where you don't have to deal with fire hazards digital editing? you don't like that I do that? add special effects? I'm sorry, when they invented the brush, people generally stopped fingerpainting I toil over editing the same way others toil over painting chapel ceilings and yet upon your high horse you sit unable to grasp the facts that whatever I choose to do to my work cannot in any way make it less a work of art art is exactly fill in the blank put whatever you want in there anything from your wildest dreams or anything you find laying around your house it's never for a single moment untrue post comment

A bit blurry, but it doesn't snow here often.. [02 Feb 2003|03:58am] ( ... click ... ) post comment

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