Marriage is all around me these days. On TV, at work, with my friends, fucking internet pop-ups. It's everywhere.
And it wouldn't bother me, if it weren't for the fact that I'm not getting married. I'm probably not getting married this year, or next year, or the year after that. Which is usually fine with me, because I want to be older. I want to have a career going for me, and I want to be financially stable enough to start a family. Right now I make $25 a game, and all of it is going towards my computer. I have thousands in grant money coming in mid-semester, but all of that is going to pay off my momma's car...so I can have it.
When I get married I want it to be everything I have always dreamed of. If I do it now it won't be.
But at the same time I want it. I want to be the wife and not the girlfriend. I want to have a husband, and a home, and a family. But its a matter of reality or wishes.
I've proposed to Jon at LEAST a hundred times, and everytime he says "Someday".
I don't know what I want. Sometimes I wake up with a "now or never" attitude. Other days I shake it off and realize I'm just anxious to get there.
I'll get there someday. Just like Jon says.
I went to court yesterday. It was the head of the pimple that was the Steven situation. I was scared shitless. But I went. Jon was there as a witness, and both of our daddies went too. So we meet our lawyer, who told us we won't win. I already knew that, but still. While we are in this room talking with our lawyer we are notified that "Mr. Ortiz" has entered the courtroom. My lawyer runs in to do some last minute shit. When he comes out he tells me and Jon that since our odds of winning are so low, we can choose to drop all charges, and leave. Jon said it was up to me. Every single part of me wanted to go home. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to be asked questions. But then a thought popped in my head. I saw Steven's face, laughing, knowing that I would chicken out. Laughing at the thought that he scared me, and that he won. I got told my lawyer that I wanted to do it...and Jon was right behind me. When we entered the courtroom there he was. He saw us out of the corner of his eye, and I saw him nod his head. At that moment I wanted to kick the shit out of him. But I didn't. They make me and Jon go back outside for a few minutes, and then they call me in. I am asked questions by both sides. Steven's mom didn't take her eyes off me....but Steven? He just sat there with his head down. His ugly long orange hair hangs in his face. Every once in a while I steal a glance at me. Our eyes meet and I show no fear. After that they send me out and call Jon in. He does his stuff. They send him out, and we sit outside playing "paper, scissors, rock" to pass the time while Steven testifies. Eventually they bring us back in for the verdict. Everybody, including the judge it seemed, felt we almost one it. But it was in his favor. He "won". And I smiled...because the judge, although ruling in his favor, told him that there was no excuse for what he had done...and that there was NO reason for him to ever try to contact me or be around me again. Ironically, I ran into him at Best Buy that night. I did not let this defeat me. I am so glad that it's over. Because it's always been over for me...but I think it finally ended for him. I don't wish that I had won. I didn't want to take law into my own hands. That leads me into...
In the Bible, in the book of Matthew is a story about weeds. Often in the Bible, Jesus speaks in parables to teach important lessons. This is my favorite one.
"Jesus told them another parable: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared."
"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?'"
"'An enemy did this,' he replied."
"The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?'"
"'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.'"
"Then He left the crowd and went into the house. His disciples came to Him and said, 'Explain to us the parable of the weeds in the field.'"
"He answered, 'The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man. The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the sons of The Kingdom. The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sows them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels.'"
"As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age. The Son of Man will send out His angels, and they will weed out of His Kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear.'"
The moral of this story is obvious. It is not our jobs to rid the world of evil. God says it is important for the good to live side by side with evil. When Judgment Day comes the weeds will be separated from the wheat. It is not my job to do anything with this Steven situation. God shall judge him when the time comes. I will live my life with that weed and the others that will follow. Who knows, he might be wheat. It is not my job to know. God shall judge him, and God's word is all.
Work goes on. It's HOT outside. Yuk. I hate getting angry fans. No food or drinks allowed in the park? THEY FREAK OUT! AHHH! PEANUTS! AHHH! I hate being the bad guy...and for $25 a game I REALLY hate being the bad guy. But I don't care as much now as I did when I started. It's a pretty fun job sometimes. lol. Soooometimes.
My life is awesome. Wow.
So work is going great. I love my job to DEATH! Funny story...
My first day of work I fainted!! It was terrible. I just totally underestimated the heat. I didn't drink any water before work and I didn't bring any with me. I lasted about 1 hour...and then WHAM-OH! I was out like a light.
I've since hydrated myself.
By the way...I work for the Corpus Christi Hooks. That's our local minor league baseball team. I have one of the funnest jobs ever. I stand at the gates with a little scanner and scan peoples tickets. It is soo much fun. You get to meet all kinds of people. And the people I work with are so great. They are all older people, and they are so sweet. There's Joan, who is my favorite. She's the sweetest old lady in the world. Then there is Thomas "TC". He's hilarious. Carlos is so fucking funny. He's in a wheelchair and relates with me cuz we both went to Hamlin! Mario has an in your face attitude, but he is a peach. Moses brings us all water, and he looks out for me. Darlene looks like Bam Margera's mom. She's a hoot to work with. Jose is the craziest old mexican I have ever met! OMG! Willis is the one I know the least, but he's a crowd favorite. He loves to work suites.
Anyways I always have good work stories. The ONLY downside to my job is the pay. I make $25 a game. I start work at 5:30 and I'm off at the 7th inning stretch. It's less then minimum wage...but I don't care. I get 50% off of concession stand and 25% off at the gift shop. AND when I'm done working I can go watch the rest of the game. NOTHING is cooler then that. I get to see Art Mack everyday too! lol!
Other then that I got an iPOD. My daddy came into some SERIOUS cash from work...so he bought and iPOD for me, jerry, mommy, AND himself. It's the shit. Hard as hell to figure out...but worth the effort. Only thing is I'm out of songs to get. I have song block. HELP ME OUT! When you install all the iPOD stuff on the computer it asks you to name it. Jon named it Betty Sue. She's pink. Her full name is Betty Sue Bubblegum. Kick ass.
That's all for now. More later!!
My name is Christine and I am 18 years old.
I live in Texas, in a city named Corpus Christi. It has a beach.
I have a mother, a father, and a brother. My parents divorced last summer. Daddy moved in with his aunt. I haven't tasted his pancakes in over a year, but I still get to see him. Mommy works hard to give me and my brother the things we need, and on occasion, the things we want.
I have a boyfriend named Jon. Without the "h". He is a good, loving man who takes care of me and my family. He's strong for me, and although he doesn't know it, I'm strong for him too.
I have tons of friends of all shapes and sizes and colors. I haven't seen much of them since I've graduated, but I know it's just a part of life. Doesn't mean we forgot about eachother. We just forgot we weren't meant to be around forever.
I still don't have a job, and the lack of money gets to me. I got a phone call this morning from the Hooks, our city's local baseball team, asking if I wanted a job. I sent in an application a while back. I interview tomorrow. Job = paycheck = material goods = momentary satisfation = the wanting of bigger goods = a better job = a better paycheck = better material goods = temporary satisfaction = the wanting of bigger goods = a better job....oh, you get the idea.
I was watching Oprah today. They talked about the things that are going on in the Congo and in Rwanda. About all the women being raped and tortured by 7 or 10 men at a time. How the president isn't doing enough, or isn't doing anything, about it. How people aren't informed enough. Oprah said after the show "Now that you know, you can't pretend that you don't". You don't have to have tights to be a hero. You don't need super powers to save somebody. I could I would save every woman, man and child in need of help. I think I will someday.
I have a love-hate relationship with the x-box game Halo2. It's addicting as hell. My name is "BowserKitty" and my colors are orange and gray. My symbol is a white bird in flight. It really is quite symbolic. Geeky, yet symbolic. I might play today.
I'm drinking lots of water now. "Lots" meaning a bottle a day, which is a lot considering I would drink zero a day. It really isn't that bad, once you get used to it.
My sex life has calmed down in the past months. I went from once or twice a day to maybe once or twice a week. I kind of like it better this way. It's hard to explain really. Sex is no longer my top priority. It's still good though!
I don't know what this whole entry was about. Just wanted to try something different. Let people see me for me.
I have the strangest urge to start a clap. You know, where you stand up and start clapping all slow and dramatic like, and eventually everybody else joins in? It's a cool thing to do. And I wanna do it. I just have to bide my time.......in the shadows. lol.
Yeah, you guessed it. I'm bored.
This entry sucks. Ha. Sorry!
I won't write again till there's something to say.
So today is the day when Jon's sister passed away. And it puts me in this unusual spot...because I want him to talk to me about it, but also I know there are somethings that plainly put, aren't my business. I know how personal it is, and I don't want to impose. Plus, Jon is a very private person who very rarely tells what he's thinking. And I know he's hurt by it. It's impossible to expect him not to be. I can't imagine what that must feel like. I almost lost Jerry when he was little, but it just doesn't compare. I want to make him smile and to make him laugh, but today it just won't happen. I don't know much about her. I don't even know how she passed away, but it's my fault for not asking. But you have to understand that I still don't think it's my place to ask. Some things are just out of my reach. Everybody has things they don't like to talk about. That's just the way it is. And I accept it. But back to that unusual spot I was talking about...even though I accept it, the girlfriend part of me wants only to cheer him up. I want to take his mind off of it, and I know I can't, and it hurts me. When it comes to him, all I want is for him to be happy. I would jump head first into an active volcano for him, and when I can't fix his problems I go crazy. I want to be his hero. His Wonder Woman. But I am only a person, and I can only do so much. People handle things their own way. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let them deal, and just be there if they ask for you.
Anyways, I guess thats it. I just had all that on my mind.
I went to Wal Mart today and bought some CUTE stuff. Just an FYI.
I can't wait till this weekend. I'm going to Austin with Jon and his family. Sadly, his dad is sick and the trip might be called off, but I have my fingers crossed. Its gonna be fuuuuuuuun.
I gotta go get my ass a job. I might as well just go to APAC with Joey so I can make $7.50+ an hour and not have to worry anymore. We'll see. Gotta check that Temp agency too. Need money, want money.
What else? Hmmm. I dunno. I guess thats it. Can't wait for College. I already set up my schedule y todos. It's gonna be the shit. YAY!
I'm going to pick up my ring now. Bye guys.
OH MY GOD I AM HAVING THE BEST WEEK EVER!
It all started on Saturday...my 18th birthday! Jon and Joey called me at Midnight to be the first ones to tell me happy birthday. Then Jon came over around 1 in the morning to gimme my present! He got me this diamond ring with pink sapphires. It is sooooooooo amazingly beautiful! I couldn't believe it! I dunno how many carats it is...but it sparkles all BAD ASS! lol. Anywho, it was a little big, so we took it to get resized, and I'll get it back on the 25th. Bummer.
Moving on, that morning I had a Youth Group car wash for my church, so I went to do that. It was lame. But we got the work done. At around noon my daddy picked up me and Jerry (if you don't already know it was his birhtday too). We went to his house for a bit, and then picked up my Uncle John so we could all go to Gatti Town. We had sooooooo much fun. It was bananas.
After that I went to pick up Jon so we could fix my ring and buy me something to wear to the clubs. I dropped him off and came home to pick up my dad and jerry so we could go to the gym. I ran up hill for a mile on the treadmil. It was great. After that I came home and took a shower and got dressed for the club. My and all my friends were gonna go to Grahms for my birthday. So I got dressed and went to pick up Cori cuz she said she needed a ride. Everybody met at my house around 11:00, and then we were off. In total it was me, Jon, Cori, Sarah, Bobby, Joey, Chuey, Angel, Alfonso, some chicks I don't know, and Perla. When we got there we ran into this guy Robert who went to Hamlin with Me, Sarah and Cori. IT WAS AWESOME! He hung out with us. He lives in Houston. Anyways, the club was pretty damn fun. I'm sure if I was there without my buddies it would suck. I danced in a fucking cage! It was hot...or so I was told. Anyways, I got home at around 2am. It was the best. The only downside was that one of my best friends didn't go...but whatever.
So on Father's day, my dad was working fire dept. so me and Jerry called his cell and left him a message. I went to church at 10:30, and had fun cuz it was donut and coffee day. Me, Momma, Jerry, Deb, Jamie, Jon and his parents all went to the monster truck show at the Bank Center. It was freaking sweet!! We had earplugs. lol. After that Jon's parents left and the rest of us went to Joe's to bbq and swim in his pool. We had sooo much fun. Me, Jon and Jerry were doing all these stupid moves off the diving board. Fun! Anyways we all just hung out and ate and played with Nicky. And the most awesome thing happened. We got Nicky to say Grandpa. We all just kept repeating "Graaaaaaaandpaaaaaaa" over and over, and sure enough...he said it. Clear as day. Me, Jon, Momma and Joe were witnesses. It was sweet. WAY TO GO NICHOLAS! We came home and I can't see and night when I drive, so Jon got to spend the night at my house, since he didn't have his car. We cuddled. He's a good sleeper. lol.
And todaaaaaaaaaay, me and Momma went and got pedicures. And the dude who did my toes was GORGEOUS. He looked like every anime ninja I have ever seen. He had his hair kind of long, parted and gelled, with little stands hanging in front of his eyes. They surgical mask he was wearing is what made him a ninja. Anyways, the pedicure was sweet. Totally relaxed me. My toes look so cute.
After that we went to Olive Garden and had a kick ass lunch. Mmmmm mmmm bitch.
Me and Sarah were supposed to go play bingo this morning but she overslept! LAZY!!! lol. JK! I still love you and your sparkly hoochie mama shirt (gold NOT silver)
Cori might spend the night, so I'm looking foward to that.
I LOVE YOU GUYS! THANKS FOR MAKING THIS POSSIBLE!
So i made the big mistake of reading my old diary entries...when I realized the worst.
The things I say about Jon, the things about how much I love him and how amazing he is, is all true. I mean it all. And I was reading about Steven, and I read the things I said about him. And I couldn't believe how much I used to love him. I didn't want to believe it. But I was reading these words and thinking, how I can feel so much for him...and then feel it for somebody else in a matter of years. And I felt like a whore! Because it made me feel that Jon isn't getting what he thinks. Everything has already been done before it seems.
I don't want to remember loving Steven. I don't even want to think that I really did. But I couldn't stop reading. And I remembered something. I remember being happy. I read stuff from the days when things were good. And I talked about how I will love him forever.
And I don't understand how I could have said that.
And I feel so...wrong. Because Jon is getting a used car. And NOBODY...NOBODY...wants a used car when they can get a new one. Nobody. And I wish I had never done anything with Steven. I want Jon to be my first everything. The first person to cuddle me. The first person to kiss me. The first person to love me back. But I can't change the past. And I am crying sooooooooo bad because Jon deserves more then that. Everything he's getting is second hand. And I'm afraid of it. Because he knows it deep down inside. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he loved before me, or kissed before me, but I don't know. Because I'm afraid to know. Because if he has I will feel only 2nd or 3rd...instead of first. But its unfair....because that is how he must feel.
I HATE THAT STEVEN GOT TO ME FIRST!! I hate it. And I don't hate things. I don't know how. But I hate him. And it makes my stomach hurt to think about it. Jon is all that I have. And he doesn't deserve this. He should have been my first everything. But Steven stole everything from me. And I give Jon all I have, but I've done that before. I've ALREADY given somebody everything. How can I do it again? Its not new anymore. I'm not new anymore. And maybe Steve is right. Maybe I do just jump around from guy to guy. And destroy lives in the process. And I'm afraid of destroying Jon. I don't care if I hurt Steven. I don't care. But to even think about what I could be doing to Jon, I could die. And I've thought about letting Jon go. Because I'm only going to hurt him in the end. But I've fallen in love with him. I've given him my everything...and he's taken it. And I never ever want to leave.
But I've said all this before. That's why I'm so worried. I wanted to marry Steven and have babies and live by the beach. I've felt it all before. And I wasted my dreams on an asshole. And Jon is getting somebody elses dreams. He's getting the stuff thats old and used. And he doesn't need that.
I wonder if Jon knows this already. If he remembers me happy with Steven. If he thinks its the same thing again, with just a different guy.
I need to stop crying for one. I dunno. I just do not feel good.
Did you know that humans are the only beings in the world that are aware of the fact that they will someday die. Lions and hermit crabs just walk around completely oblivious to their mortality.
That is the only thing that really sets us apart. I wonder if we are the only ones who know OTHER things will someday die. Or if a lion looks and his buddy and thinks "poor guy...such a short lifespan" without knowing he has one too.
I am such a lion. I am such a hermit crab.
I have no idea that I can die someday. Which is good and bad. To be honest I am quite scared of dying. Terrified actually.
Nothing brought this up really. Just thinking.
Have you ever heard the song "Cigarette" by Ben Folds Five. It is so...real. It's about this man who takes care of his sick wife, and he is soooooooo tired. But he can't sleep, because he's afraid the drugs will knock her out, and she'll burn the house down with a cigarette.
I wonder if she's aware of her mortality.
Too much wondering today.
I have to go to court in a few hours. I really don't want to. I mean I feel sick to my stomach about it. I really don't want to. But I must. And it sucks. Hopefully this will be the end of all that old school nonsense.
"Fred Jones was worn out
From caring for his often
Screaming and crying wife
During the day but
He couldn't sleep at night for fear that she
In a stupor from the drugs that didn't
Ease the pain would set the house ablaze
With a cigarette"
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