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i strive to be beautiful

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[04 Feb 2004|06:36pm]
livejournal.com/~_gettingoveryou

blurty just would always "cancel action"
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[02 Feb 2004|08:10pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | Good Charlotte- Seasons // Sum41-Summer.. (oldsKool!) ]

Its my Valentines Day theme.
even though I should be anti-Valentines Day,
but you know,
im not conforming to your parties,
:-* I love you girls.

here are 3 songs of the day, because i am THAT cool.





Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give.

(Did you ever see that one person
and the way they do these things
and it hurts you so much it's like choking choking choking
down the embers
)

I can give you freedom from your guilt,

with a flick of my wrist onto yours.

I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.
I can give you death with the look upon my face.


This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss and no regrets;


you don't deserve good bye.

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss and no good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.

With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your
lifeless hand.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.


(Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is
A reminder of what I'll never have
I'll never have... I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down, come down.
I cherish you...I cherish you.
Just say you would do the same for me.
Just say you would do the same for me.
Say you would do the same...
Just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.)




x.x.x.x.x


i just found a friend in one of your lies
to treat me so nice
i can't believe my bones when they say so many things
they tell me i am fine
believe me, i try
ever so sweet you make this seem
the way things go, its not my fault
and i'll miss you so good
and all those nights we lost our way back home
can't you see this wall you built for me?
we're not special.
i'm not special.
ever so sweet that you baked it in cakes for me
what you left behind, it hurts my teeth
bring in the past with these postcards you sent me
every line..it brings me right back down.


x.x.x..x
This one's for Jen,



Youve called to say you wanted out
Well I cant say I blame you now
Sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out
Well thanks for waiting this long
To show yourself, yourself
'Cause now that I can "see" you
I dont think you're worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you made
They served you well
And now you're gone and their wasted on me
So much for you're endearing sense of charm
It served you well
And now its gone and you're wasted on me.


Youve called to say you wanted out
Well I cant say I blame you now
Sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out
Well thanks for waiting this long
To show yourself, show yourself
'Cause now that I can "see" you
I dont think you're worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you made
They served you well
And now you're gone and their wasted on me
So much for you're endearing sense of charm
It served you well
And now its gone and you're wasted on me.

I guess that all youve got is all you're gonna get
So much for...So much more
I guess that all youve got is all you're gonna get
So much for...So much more

Do what you must if thats what you wish
I cannot be a party to this
You have a sense that you were born with
You'll find a way to make things right

I guess that all youve got is all you're gonna get
So much for...So much more

2 comments|post comment

ive forgot my purpose in this life [02 Feb 2004|07:39pm]
Today:

-MR MINOR READ VICKYES PALMS AND GUESS WHAT!!! SHES NOT DYING! not for a loooong time.
and her an Dan are going to live happily ever after, AND shes going to move away as soon as possible. which makes me sad, I really feel like im going to lose Vickye soon.
-Midterms,
-MCBRIDE "can we have the averages?" "i dont have that figure" "how does it feel to have half of your class fail" "thats never happened."
Go kill yourself.
-cat bones (gasp)
-dentist.
-making Niki CDs
-I hate having cramps,
I hate periods

99.9% Bright Eyes <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
22 days.


Current Dress: pants, a shirt and a jacket
Current Makeup: concealer, eyeliner, and mascara
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: nothing
Current Taste: pink lemonade
Current Hair: straightened, up.
Current Annoyance: my cramps. X-(
Current Smell: air?
Current thing I ought to be Doing: Niki's CDs
Current Desktop Picture: dollhouse picture.
Current Favorite Groups: i dont feel like typing it out at the moment
Current Book: i JUST finished Never Fade Away
Current CD in Stereo: Bright Eyes, enjoying the occasion of PROBABLY being allowed to go!
Current DVD In Player: Finding Nemo, i must give that back to britto.
Current Color Of Toenails: dont really know..
Current Refreshment: nothing
Current Worry: alex.
Current Crush: alex
Current Favorite Celebrity: Conor Oberst, hes definately not a celebrity.

LAST PERSON...
You Touched: VICKYE! haha.
You Talked to: my cat
You Hugged: nik.
You Kissed: :'(
You Instant messaged: Alex
You Yelled At: wow, um.. i havent!!! HAHAHA MS MCBRIDE I am so proud.
You Had A Crush On: Jordan, whats the point?
Who Broke Your Heart: Last person? Jordan, but.. Jen I guess.

FAVROITES...
Food: Dont have one
Drink: At the moment, lemonade
Color(s): pink, maroon, black
Album: Thats a toughy, probably Deja Entendu, or Bleach.
Shoes: birkenstocks
Candy: umm
Animal: my kitten, of course!
TV Show: Newlyweds. haha, im cool.
Movie: AT THE MOMENT- Finding Nemo
Dance: eh?
Song: megalomaniac
Vegetable: broccoli
Fruit: strawberries


*DO YOU HAVE..*
-Any sisters: No, only a half.
-Any brothers: No, only a half.
-A Disease: no...
-A Pager: :'(
-A Personal phone number: :'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''(
-A leather jacket with studs on it?: uh, no
-A heroin needle: nope.
-A Car: Nope

*Describe Your... *
-Room: yayayay! i am in LOVE with my room
-Shoes: i have black chuck taylors, black globes, beige birkenstocks, beige and brown vans and flip flops
-Bed: i love my bed

*Do you... *
-Get motion sickness: No
-Dream in color: of course
-Believe in yourself: yeah
-Do you believe in love at first sight?: sure, why not
-Consider yourself a good listener: yeah
-Consider yourself a good friend: Yes
-Get Along with your parents: yeah...
-Like to make fun of people: if they piss me off, sure.
-Like to talk on the phone: not lately.

*What Is/Are/Was... *
-On your mouse pad: nothing
-Your dream honeymoon spot: I dont know
-Under your bed: boxes of everything ive ever written
-The single most important question: eh?
-Your bad time of the day: Waking up in the morning.
-Your worst fear(s): i dont know at the moment
-The weather is like: cold as a bitch
-The hardest thing about growing up: friendships, placing yourself, grades, parents.
-Your funniest experience: Too many.. my FUNNIEST.. nope i cant pick one.. probably the night at the movies "MY GRANDPA RAPED ME!!!" "MEEEE TOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-Your scariest moment: dont know..
-The silliest thing you've said: I can't remember.
-The craziest thing that's ever happened while with your friend(s): Too many
-The worst feeling in the world: watching the one you love, love someone else
-The best feeling in the world: knowing the person you love loves you, knowing you are in complete happiness



*The past*
-What is the one thing you would change about your past?:recently, i would have become closer to alex during guitar camp.
-What is the biggest mistake you've made in your life?: tommy.
-Last thing you heard: the ataris
-Last thing you saw: ice cream
-Last thing you said: "whats in the middle of that chicken?"
-Who is the last person you saw?: my mom
-Who is the last person you kissed?: my mom?
-Who is the last person you hugged?: vickye
-Who is the last person you fought with?: um, annie i guess
-Who is the last person you were on the phone with? no idea.

*Future*
-What day is it tomorrow?: Tuesday
-What are you going to do after this?: CDs
-Who are you going to talk to?: Alex
-What do you wanna be? : dont know.
-Where will you be in 25 years?: who knows

*Have you ever*
-Drank?: Yeah
-Smoked?: no
-Had sex?: no
-Done anything illegal?: no
-Hit someone?: sure

*Other*
-Do you write in cursive or print?: Print
-What piercings do you have?: ears
-Do you drive?: Nope
-Do you have glasses or braces?: glasses


*Sleep*
-Do you dream at night?:of course
-Do you remember your dreams? Sometimes
-Describe one: the most recent was with matt guiry, and he was like, hugging me and i was like WHAT THE FUCK.
-What time do you wake up on weekends?: 12
-Do you sleep with one pillow or two?: two
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[02 Feb 2004|06:48pm]
hi
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[01 Feb 2004|08:12pm]
i re did my room,
still cluttered but managable.

i have a dentist appointment tomorrow,
i want my test scores.
Bright Eyes in 22 days, not counting today.

<33 I love the world.
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[31 Jan 2004|10:52pm]
um,
wow.
you are an IDIOT.
because you are a hypocrite,
and a horrible friend.
i waste my time on nobodys,
i reallllly do.
and you are SELFISH,
and SELF ABSORBED
and ANYTHING else that has to do with you LOVING and being OBSESSED with yourself.
and its working, because sometimes it gets me jealous-
but then i remember you are an idiot.
and im cool because im not like that.


and then theres vickye.
and im so glad shes my friend.
:-)
and ive never actually had a talk with vickye.
not that i can remember,
not actually something that ive brought up, anyway.
so yeah,
im happy.
2 comments|post comment

[31 Jan 2004|09:16pm]
oh man, umm.. hot? new Taking Back Sunday clippy thing..
yeah, um. yeah.
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The sun has set on all I know [31 Jan 2004|09:05pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | Pensive-January Embers ]

last night was Avery.
awkward, very.
cool, very.
I was watching the video afterwards,
and wow..
I dont know why they chose Jess.
Anywho,
today we went shopping,
as we usually do Saturdays especially when people like Carly get sick.
:-\
yeah, that sucked.
Feel better,
so, Niki called.
and it would be stupid to talk about 1. because EVERYONE of my friends has heard it all before and 2. because they dont care about it.
I love Niki so much,
I respect her,
I am proud of her,
I care about her,
And she has never truly hurt me or treated me like crap.
She has always made me feel like a WORTHY person of love, and of life..
and she has always been someone that understood WORD FOR WORD
my feelings mainly about the friendships we have found ourselves in,
and I feel so lucky to be able to have a friend like that,
even though we arent as close as glue, and we dont hang out all the time- which is going to change,
because I am definitely going to start hanging out with her more.
I know Niki deserves more than this.
Niki deserves more than your petty, useless attempts to be a good friend..
because you're not-
and you arent even a good faker.


Im in the process of organizing my room,
and im selling my dollhouse :-\
its really.. hurting me, but, whatever.. letting go is the best way to be.

My dad hasnt called me since Christmas,
aren't I loved?

24 days til Bright Eyes,
I guess im going to help Vickye tomorrow,
if she calls me..
even though I really should finish cleaning- my room is TERRIBLE.
everything is all over,
but.. whatever,
Ill definitely go to Vickyes.

I miss Alex, so much.
and i think im going to write him an email


2 comments|post comment

[30 Jan 2004|02:55pm]
im leaving for avery in like an hour.
im really cold,
and i think you're dumb.
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[29 Jan 2004|08:01pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | All Is Full of Love ]

Hey, lovers.
I listened to some old skool Xcore Good Charlotte today.
I've decided i am a TRUE riot girl.
Saturday, it looks like im going to be hanging out with Carly.
And tomorrow is Avery.
Im going to go in regular time...
Amanda and Matt are going to be there-
what a par TaY.
um, guess so.
:-\
Alex hasnt been coming on, and hes being an asshole, but I guess I was being an asshole first, and I know he stopped reading this.
Sorry.
My room is so fucking cluttered, and i just want to get rid of so much stuff.. but the places where I would put it are cluttered too.
What the fuck is wrong with me?

its so deceiving,
where have we gone?
we've wasted away and there's no one to save us
we strive to be beautiful *


song of the day-
i havent done it for a few days,
but this song is good enough to count as all the days i missed <33

Coheed- "Cuts Marked In The March Of Men"

Listen to the world out on the outside pressing in
are you ready on my mark?
fingers given names and with the last word they ascend
on the comfort of their well being...in arms
into something they can't stop but wish that they could kill
you're the answer to their prayer
in your last hour stand
you'll notice the one that you had loved and dreams is here among the others
chase it's you I want but if I can't have her

then why should I spend any more time in a world that's going to end pretty soon?
I need you now more than I ever did

I'll hand myself over for you
this comlink's lost its frequency and I feel that we're coming home short
here take me instead I'd rather not see her off alone
scattered amongst the killing streets the children slate defense
is god's work to have us fail?
rivered blood streams out the dead as bodies foul the air
I'll make peace when this is done
in arms...we storm
slowly the streets begin to fill with new flesh bound to bone
armed and ready it begins again...tonight we form
deliver a favor for my love
I'll make peace when this is done


Save Us
Gabbriella
I want a DCfC shirt

6 comments|post comment

[29 Jan 2004|12:28pm]
oh, how i love mr. griesbach and his tests.
oh how i want to kill ms mcbride.

tomorrow sucks,
i have lunch until 10, so what the fuck am i suppose to do?
i have no one to drive me into school, and everyone else isnt coming until at least 9.
:'(
im debating walking, but we all know that is totally impossible especially in like -199999999 weather.
forget that idea.

i dont have to study much for bee,
you know how that goes,
so im pretty much bored..
yeah, you know how that goes too..

oh yeah-and i really dont want to start gym. especially if its project adventure. :'(
1 comment|post comment

[28 Jan 2004|10:31am]
snow day.
thank you, so much.
i didnt even have time to begin my science sheet.

look at yourself, you are ruined now,
what have you done?
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Brittanys Notecard: The Hundred Years War-Everyone Died. [27 Jan 2004|12:47pm]
[ mood | upset ]
[ music | smile empty soul- bottom of a bottle. haha, i love kacey ]

im so fucking SICK of blurty deleting everything. whatever, i could never part with my deary blurty.

anyway..
Yeah, gym was drugful.
me and autumn are mother f'en slick.
i studied.

JJEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZ.
italian is going to beat me up,
shoot me in the face,
rip my head off,
cut my face into peices,
and dispose of it into a great mound of nothingness.
:'( after 6 fucking hours of studying,
i understood the vocab section- thats IT.
what the fuck.
the conjugation shit, like.. what the fuck.

i pretty much get the feeling were going to school tomorrow,
even though i need the extra day for world civ- but what can you do..
its going to be a killer.
i have to be off to my studily tasks

3 comments|post comment

[26 Jan 2004|02:36pm]
today was a wonderful day.
i had a delayed opening.. cool.
for about a week, every morning before I leave I turn on MTV2 to like.. see if Megalomaniac comes on, and it never does..
well it did today, so.. i knew it would be a good day.
haha, im such a loser.
Yeah, so.. i have about 10 minutes before I have to get off..
since its all XXXXXXXXXXXcore midterms, and I cant do anything but sit in my room and study after 3.
Today were the ceramics &math midterms,
pretty easy if you ask me.
It sucks, we really shouldnt have 2 hours. Its a waste of an hour,
but anyway.. im hopeful if all the midterms are as easy as today.
tomorrows italiano, so.. woo.
um, yeah.
im so happy that liz feels the same way about something as i always have, because everyone else used to yell at me.
<33

goodbye world
2 comments|post comment

[25 Jan 2004|07:41pm]
No one knows what its like-
When you dont understand,
when you dont want to understand
It's the worst feeling in the world-
because i need it.
I need it to feel alright.
You dont know how many times i've had to lock myself in my room,
and cry,
and scream for pain-
because I had nothing else that would make me feel loved.
And I act like its alright.
I laugh about it,
its so fake-
its SO fake.
and you dont even know.
you have no clue
You like to pretend you are so perfect,
We know you arent,
YOU know you arent.
Everyone else takes such advantage
Its such bullshit.
I feel like such a fool because of you,
I could live so much more,
I could love so much more
It'll never be alright.
Fuck you
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[25 Jan 2004|06:57pm]
im sick of you.
i hate you, and i love it, absolutely.
its so wonderful knowing that i AM MY OWN PERSON now.

I wrote some poems last night, and i was really proud-
it was the first time in a while that I actually could.
Today I went to Brittanys and we studied like crazy for math.
Then Joey came and we reviewed some WC,
and then Nicole came to help with my italiano!
I think im pretty ready.
We definately will have school tomorrow, which sucks..
but, whatever..
We got the Bright Eyes tickets ;-)
yay.

We talked about who was hot,
yeah because everyones all "top 50" nowadays.
ummm, good.

Thats pretty much all
3 comments|post comment

Book List [24 Jan 2004|06:03pm]
-the Perks of Being a Wallflower

-the Lovely Bones

-White Oleander

-Telling Christina Goodbye
(Im suck a sucker for Lurlene McDaniels books..
they aren't the best quality work,
but.. they are the types of books I can read in 2 hours and have it make an impact)
+Time to Let Go
+Somewhere Between Life and Death
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[24 Jan 2004|05:44pm]
I dont understand Midterms


Matchbook Romance
The Greatest Fall

The hand of my clock strikes two
In times when I got the best of you
We made promises we couldn't keep
And every night we couldn't sleep.

I didn't know why, but didn't ask questions
because it was the first time in my life, yeah the first time in my life
Where I, did something right.


I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time

You pick me apart
While I search for witty things to say
(In my defense)
"You'll never amount to anything anyway"
(Don't press your luck, don't press your luck)
And think that I'm impressed with your one night stands
and your contagious kiss
I'm trying to get this right
Yeah, cause I'm ridiculous like that

I'll keep this as
A constant reminder
Of the nights I spent
holding onto her
And rest assured I'm moving on
I miss you less, with each day youre gone
(YOURE GONE)
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Through being cool [24 Jan 2004|04:29pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | Saves the Day ]

Wow, i just wrote something and it got all deleted.

Last night was Socratic.
It was good,
it was different..
but.. good.
I dont love Vinny...
eeh, no.
I can pass.
But, Whatev'
k.. then as we were leaving someone made an "unclassy"
exit.
More like childish to me,
but i feel so wonderful that i didnt feel intimidated, scared..
I felt wonderful that I dont have to stoop to that level to feel good about myself,
no.. that i didnt even have to stoop to that level in the first place.

and... about something else-
i feel wonderful because i know that i
CAN leave this.
<33
accomplishment is wonderful.

Im not going to Jocelyns-
i really dont feel well.

i still have to study more.
i have to call heather, i have questions.

i have to put the Socratic pictures up on LJ.


-

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[23 Jan 2004|05:57pm]
yo, fo sure.
im about to leave in like.. 9.3 minutes...
to go see Socratic.
yeah.
i feel like shit,
im going to throw up-but whatever.
i've been on the phone with carly for like..ever.
yeah, umm.. im doing liz's journal..
tomorrow maybe. i need to get a background.
mid terms monday.
joc's party tomorrow-
and studying with brittany sunday

..
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