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mini-update. [14 Sep 2003|02:36pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Been out promoting Hildago. Spent some time visiting with Harry. Went and checked up on Johnny. He's locked himself off again. I fear that it's beyond my help.

I'm feeling a bit tired. Rather drained. Off to more work. More visiting with Harry. Then home again. And repeat, repeat, repeat...

And I miss him. Haven't seen him in so long.

come home soon...?

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and so he left... [23 Aug 2003|01:47am]
[ mood | restless ]

I couldn't even recognize Orlando anymore. It was scaring me. I felt myself beginning to even hate the person he was becoming, until Johnny stopped it... and I don't know why. I don't know why he did that for me, for us. It amazes me that after how hurt he was, he still put us first... and I guess that's why I never understood how Orlando could leave him in the first place. I never will. That's always going to bother me...

I yelled at him. I told him how I saw it.. how I just couldn't understand it. I let him know some things. I told him a lot that needed to be said, but that Johnny would have never said to him... He doesn't seem to stick up for himself too well in that kind of situation. It's heart breaking, really...

But then, he did something that I wasn't quite expecting. He took the anger from me. I don't know how he did it, but he did... and then he left, reassuring that it was for the best. Even as he was leaving, which I know had to be killing him, he was focused on me. I don't know why the whole mess doesn't work. I guess there's too much against us to let it happen... but it tears me up inside knowing he's the one who ends up alone in the end. He'll stay strong through it, I know, but inside, who knows what he'll be feeling deep in him.. The man can hide things better than a bottomless pit.

He gave me my Orlando back, and to that I am grateful... I'm just sad that he has to separate himself in order for it to work out... and I'm sad that Van is such a bitch. *sighs* I wish there was a different way. I honestly do. I'm glad that he's going to get his family back... but what if he marries Van? It'll be permanent then.. and he doesn't love her, and he knows it. Acting is one thing, but you can't act your life away.. God, I don't know. I wish it was easier than this...

I'm going to miss that bloke like hell if he detaches himself from me. God, I will...

I don't know. I feel sort of torn.. I'm tired. It's just hard to think right now...

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broken but holding together [20 Aug 2003|05:21pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Johnny broke the news to Van, and it crushed him. Seeing him weak like that is rare, and I tried my best to help him. Orlando came in, and he hit him. I've never seen Orlando so angry to be violent.. and honestly, I love him with all my heart, but it made me angry. I still am angry. I haven't spoken to him since. I've been here for Johnny. I've picked up every time he calls in the middle of the night. I was there for him when Van said he wasn't allowed to see Lily or Jack. I saw him crushed down to nothing because he gave up his other life that he could have had because he loved Orlando, and I saw Orlando just... leave when he was needed the most.

I understand that it hurts, Christ, Orlando hasn't even seen half of what I have.. and God, It hurts.. but, to leave? To tell him that he's on his own? I just don't understand it... I don't think I ever will. My views seem to be changing, and I seem to not understand what the hell is going through his head.

I guess my worse fear is that one of these nights it won't be Johnny calling me. I won't get the phone call in the middle of the night, hearing his slurred speech from emotion and alcohol... I'll get a call the next day from a hospital somewhere, telling me he didn't make it through that night. That's what I'm afraid of.

I just hope this changes soon.

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yeah, i do. [12 Aug 2003|05:34am]
[ mood | calm ]

I decided to back off, I guess. I decided that my heart's big enough for Depp, too..

it always has been, and he knows that...

Maybe I was just angry about the past, I don't know.. but I need to talk to him, about, uh, that..

I don't know. Christ. Did I make the right decision? I don't know. Don't know if I'll know until it's too late.

Oh well.. I need to just stop worrying about it.

and tell Orlando that I love them both, too..

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i just don't know [10 Aug 2003|03:17pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Johnny came by... knocked some sense into me by well.. letting me knock my fists into him, really.

I guess I just confessed that either way it hurts. Being with him, being without him.. it doesn't matter. I hurt regardless, but I still love him.. so.. why not be with him and hurt?

but maybe... maybe I'm making a mistake... maybe I'm just doing what's easy... maybe this isn't really what I want... maybe I should just be without him, and try to move on...

but I don't know...

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almost doesn't count [08 Aug 2003|01:09pm]
[ mood | numb ]
[ music | goo goo dolls - here is gone ]

and I almost asked him to be with me forever, for the rest of my life, to truly be mine...

The mark is still in my hand from the ring pressed there.. as well as various other marks from him, especially a nice rug burn right on my damn face... Bastard. Fucking bastard.

I never knew I could hurt this much. I never realized he could hurt me so... badly...

"You know I love you. I'd never do anything to hurt you. Never.."

Funny how words don't mean much these days, and it's interesting how the pain seems to laugh at how outrageous words can be when they're so blatantly wrong.

...I almost asked him.


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