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caterpillar

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We'll crucify the insincere tonight. [19 Jun 2005|08:04pm]
[ music | The Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight, Tonight ]

Saturday was a mistake - we took a trip back to my childhood. old memories vs reality, awkward moments, gaps in conversations, hesitations. i had grown up, they had grown old, and a new generation had been born to take our place. and that's life - time goes by, and everything changes.

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[18 Jun 2005|02:19am]
the end was never a question, just an idea no one wanted to believe. billions of years of evolution, and for what? karma; the universe giving us what we deserve. it started with a disease, random outbursts, then more specific, groups disappearing - a new kind of draft. scientists couldn't find a cure. then people couldn't find the scientists. the glorious death attack. then it came in waves, everything being washed away. skeletons slow dancing on the atlantic floor in the beauty of defeat - one two three, one two three - in beat with the destruction of the dream. WE WERE ALL MADE TO BE DESTROYED.
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[16 Jun 2005|04:42pm]
you're traveling on the autostrada, and i'm burning all your postcards. Rome is on fire. Florence is ashes. the postman reads your messages. he likes to think we're in love, but i think he knows better, and i think you do too.
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[11 Jun 2005|01:12am]
[ music | Xiu Xiu - Poe Poe ]

ich hänge mit der mehrheit von ihnen nur, wenn ich völlig angeekelt werden will.

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[10 Jun 2005|09:32pm]
[ music | Elliott Smith - Angeles ]

i'm ridiculous,
depressing,
selfish,
an asshole,
comfortable with my surroundings,
repulsive,
reckless,
uncomfortable in my own skin,
tired,
the complete opposite of "chill",
longing,
a lush.
SURPRISE!

i'm only upset over six, maybe seven of those.
I QUIT QUITTING COLD TURKEY AND I HAVE NEVER FELT BETTER ABOUT MY ADDICTIONS HOBBIES OR OBSESSIONS. I AM LYING BUT I AM NOT.
trite.

things aren't so bad.
it's the truth & i just need to constantly remind myself of that.
i'd do just about anything to have you here now. punt a smiling baby in front of it's mother?
check.

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excuse me while i smolder with generic angst... [02 Jun 2005|11:31pm]
[ music | Belle & Sebastian - If She Wants Me ]

lack of sleep is really fucking with me.
ten minutes ago we were laughing & singing New Kids On The Block in falsetto,
& now all i want to do is cry in the tub. my moods swing more than Helen Keller at a pinata party.
what i want, more than anything, is for you to be here, or at least closer than 400 miles away.
in about ten minutes i'll be hugging Brittany, and everything will seem perfectly fine for the moment.
everything will be okay. it always is.


i love her. )
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it's romantic if they mean it when they shut your fingers in the door. [01 Jun 2005|05:16am]
[ music | Xiu Xiu - Clover ]

i can't just be "casually interested" in something. i have to be "passionately interested" (some say obsessed) in it, but then in a few weeks something else catches my attention and then it's all about that. i try to be consistent, and for the most part, i stay interested in these things, but my attention gets divided up so very much that it's so very difficult to dedicate large portions of my time, thought, and concern on these things. it happens with movies, music and causes. never with love though. i wish it did. that would be an improvement, i think.

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[29 May 2005|10:24pm]
[ music | The Smashing Pumpkins - X.Y.U. ]

where did i go?

a state of supreme apathy.

the world has been treating me so carelessly, so i've been staring back at it with steely eyed indifference. or that is what i hope, at least. i don't really know.

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LOLercoaster. [25 May 2005|06:45pm]
[ music | Murder City Devils - Get Off The Floor ]

things i don't understand are always the most interesting, like zero & eraserhead, but sometimes its just about feeling good, like John Cusack & pop punk. )
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[19 May 2005|07:12pm]
[ music | Nine Inch Nails - The Collector ]

i just had a conversation that i'm almost positive was in American Beauty, verbatim.

"Are you trying to look unattractive?"
blank stare, "...Yes."
"Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably."

NOT COOL. NOT COOL AT ALL. )


and on an unrelated note,
last night was spent running across a golf course holding twenty inch hedge sheers.
that's all there is to say.

lastly,
a British man was being treated for shock on Wednesday after he fell from a ladder while pruning trees, accidentally killing his wife with his chainsaw, police said.

STAND UNDER MY LADDER PLEASE!?
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[18 May 2005|05:22am]
[ music | Nine Inch Nails - The Perfect Drug ]

as usual, i've done an adequate job of fucking up my hair. whatever.
.

what the fuck else is there to do at 4am, though? well, plenty of things i guess.

love me some vapid posts. )
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[14 May 2005|04:59am]
[ music | The Smashing Pumpkins - Thirty-Three ]

"There is a creature that is completely harmless for your eyes: you scarcely notice it and forget it immediately. But as soon as, invisibly, it somehow gets into your ear, it develops there and, as it were, finally comes out of its cocoon; and there have been cases in which it penetrated to the brain and there spread devastation, somewhat like the pneumococci of the dog which enter through the nose.

This creature is the neighbor.

Well, since i have started traveling around by myself I have had innumerable neighbors: above and below, right and left, and sometimes all four kinds at once. I could simply write the history of my neighbors, and that would be a life's work. To be sure, it would really be the case history of the symptoms they caused in me; but this they have in common with all such creatures: they can only be inferred from the disturbances they create in certain tissues.

I have had unpredictable neighbors and very regular ones. I have sat there trying to discover the law of the first kind, for it was obvious that they too had a law. And when the punctual ones would stay out late one night, I would picture to myself what might have happened to them, and I would keep my light on and worry like a young wife. I have had neighbors who were hating just then, and neighbors who loved violently; and I have even had the experience how the one feeling changed into the other in the middle of the night -- and then, of course, there could be no question of sleep."

--- Rainer Maria Rilke,
The Notes of Malte Laurids Brigge.


PS: i pretty much loathe everything right now. pretty much.

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[09 May 2005|11:28pm]
[ music | Dillinger Escape Plan - We Are The Storm ]

someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world revolves around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed to find out that it was not them. sometimes this includes me.

this song is awesome.
"empty skin bag you're my cum rag"
i think that'll go in my wedding vows.

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[09 May 2005|12:30am]
[ music | Xiu Xiu - I Broke Up ]

my coping skills are sliding down my throat.

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[05 May 2005|04:01pm]
[ music | Wu-Tang Clan - Cream ]

this town is ridiculous. the rumors that are swapped back and forth more than bodily fluids in an orgy, are completely laughable. i hate to see petty drama consume all of your lives like it has. none of this will matter once any of you are out of our shit town, i promise. why ruin friendships because of he-said-she-said bullshit? it can't be good for your blood pressure. i love some of you people, but this is simply silly. i can't for the life of me figure out why you people stress yourselves like you do. i stay out of what doesn't concern me, even though i usually know the whole true story, which gives me more time to sit back and marvel at the idiocy others.

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[04 May 2005|05:39pm]
[ music | The Mountain Goats - Color In Your Cheeks ]

Ain't no party like a Holy Ghost party, 'cause a Holy Ghost party don't stop! )

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[03 May 2005|05:44pm]
[ music | The Shins - Your Algebra ]

you make so many connections with people throughout your life. people you see every day and people that you've never met. they're sometimes little connections that mean everything. sometimes you're lucky enough to make a connection that you think will last forever. sometimes... (un)fortunately you end up making a few of those. you connect with your friends and with your lovers and you think that one day you'll make one connection that will mean everything. you're waiting for it, and you're hopeful, and you think that you deserve it more than anyone's deserved anything. and you selfishly wait. and you givingly wait. and you just wait.

and it's true that all your friends and lovers leave you behind, and you're still waiting for a boy. and you've had him, and you felt his breath on your neck, and you know that you'll never feel his breath again. and you accept that. and you smile. and you meet a new boy. and he smiles. and you press your smile against his smile. and you stay that way for a while. and then he smiles as he walks away. and you wait. and you tell everyone that you meet, "i'm glad i didn't die before i met you."

and you read. and you write. and you watch. and you listen. you listen. you listen. and you hope that he's listened too. and you hope that he's been waiting. and you hope that he's been waiting for you.

and you're thankful. you're so incredibly thankful. and you remember. and you never forget. and you never regret. you never, ever regret.

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[30 Apr 2005|10:09pm]
[ music | The Dears - Warm And Sunny Days ]

The Dears are an incredible band. it's like if Pink Floyd teamed up with The Decemberists to record their Animals record and were on the Elephant 6 collective and had Morrissey as their lead singer... but you know... if Morrissey were black and Canadian.

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[27 Apr 2005|05:02pm]
[ music | The Paper Chase - Ever Since The Turn ]

i don't think i even understand myself anymore. i've halved newton's third law; i don't act, i just react.

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[23 Apr 2005|02:12am]
[ music | Jawbreaker - Fireman ]

tonight i watched Closer for the first time. if you haven't seen it, i won't tell you that you should or shouldn't. you may like it. you may not. i'll only say that i'm glad that i saw it now and not at some other point in my life. the old me would have been wrecked after watching it. the current me survived. that's called progress.

there is a moment where you decide. no justification or excuse can absolve you of that decision. you're free to make it, and, perhaps it's sometimes what you think you need to do. the point is... some people make that choice and some people don't. if you make that decision, then your own sense of humanity should dictate that you have to be honest about it. if you can make that decision, then in my (perhaps naive) mind, you are no longer in love and you should be forthcoming about your decision.

maybe love is brutal and complicated. maybe it's not. maybe you create the complications, and in the end... if you're really honest with yourself... it's all quite simple. we just make excuses (for our sake and for the sake of others) rather than just tell the truth. rather than be transparently honest, we are selfish and deceitful, and put on a show with a few tears and say, "i just couldn't tell you. i didn't want to hurt you."

i'm so fucking bored with everything. myself included. something's missing and it's hard not to feel inadequate and insignificant. it's time for my bed and vincent gallos brilliant psychosis.

i hope everyone is doing well.

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