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so here's the scoop... [17 Jun 2005|07:26pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | "Hardcore Lover" - Lady Saw ]

Okay so T.J. has jumped back into my life and it's sort of weird. I mean I care about him but not in the way that he would like. I feel sort of bad but at the same time the bitch in me is saying fuck it while the good side of me is going let him go so that he can find what he's truly looking for and not dwell on you. In reality I just want to be friends with him and if anything changes from there then so be it but, right now I don't want him to Love me because honestly...it is not the right time for anyone to be loving me even though I am with Cani still.
Speaking of Cani... I feel like there is this distance growing between us. It's like...I don't know. I love him, so damn much but right now it just seems like he's too busy at home to be dealing with me. It's true though...he's got his life over there and though I'm part of his life I'm not really that big of an importance in his life. I don't know I miss him so much but I just think that he's slowly letting me go and just not saying anything...or maybe that's just my insecurities speaking....
On another note I miss the hell out of Vadim, still. I still think about him everyday. I still want to see him. I still...ugh. Yes, I'll admit it. I still care about him and though I know it's so...two years ago. Him and I have talked about the whole thing and he's never let me go. I remember one day when he was like "You remember that kiss you gave me before I left for basic training? It got me through basic....." It surprised the hell out of me that he said that or that it actually meant something to him because in all honesty I thought that he didn't give a shit about me. Hell him and I had broken things off before he left for basic and me kissing him goodbye was just the end of our chapter but I guess to him it wasn't. He held on to me even though he was the one that had initiated the whole I don't know "moving on" thing. Then he comes back after a year and brings this to light. Him and I started talking again before I left for basic and we sort of became friends again. It was weird because he was a different Vadim. I mean he's grown up so much and before he left for Iraq, while I was at basic training, him and I talked a lot too. He told me that he still cared about me, that he missed me, that he didn't think I should be with who I am with...etc. We talked a lot then and he let me know a lot of things even though he was scared shitless to say anything because well, that's Vadim and every man in this world haha. He's been gone since Jan and over the past month and a half I've just sat here thinking about him day after day after day. It's...confusing. I mean I think about it and in reality I would kind of be better off with him. I'm not saying that he's second choice but if Cani and I could really be together I don't think I would even be looking at anyone or thinking about being with anyone else but, being that things are the way they are I can't hold myself back. I don't know things are so difficult with Cani and our relationship that often times I'm like fuck, why don't I just make it easy on myself and let him go already but, I can't/won't. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life...more than I ever will. Yes, I probably could love someone else in my life but never as much as I do him. It just sucks that our lives have to be the way they are and our relationship has to be the way it is...I hate it but I can only take what he can give me even if it is a small part of himself. He thinks I deserve more and I know I do but...it's something that's easy to say and not easy to do. I can say that I've been thinking about just being with Vadim for a while now and I can't say that it isn't going to happen because honestly, I think it will. Okay, maybe I know that Vadim and I will probably get back together and it's going to be a bad day when I make Cani aware of it but he's going to have to live with it just like I have to live with all the shit I've had to for the past two years. ::sigh:: why must life be so difficult?

<3Fill me with your wisdom<3

[12 Jun 2005|09:35pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I really miss them both. Can anyone tell me how you can be in love with two people at one time? I mean what the fuck?! I always thought that I wouldn't be able to fall in Love at all and now I'm sitting here going crazy because I care about two people so deeply...that I can't even explain it. I haven't done anything stupid, I'm still only with one but even though I'm still sitting here thinking of the other one. Maybe it's because he's in Iraq right now. Maybe I just miss him because I'm worried about him...who knows. I give up trying to decipher my own feelings. I'm so confused.

<3Fill me with your wisdom<3

It's been a while... [08 Jun 2005|02:48pm]
[ mood | bored ]

So what has gone on since I got this here blog. I joined the military, moved out West, got a man, started thinking about an ex... A lot has been going on actually, but I'm too lazy to talk about it all at the moment. Maybe I'll do that later right now I'm just doing a small update....

<3Fill me with your wisdom<3

He's mine.. [10 Oct 2003|08:41am]
[ mood | loved ]

I've got skills at getting what I want and so..... I got him.

2Meaningless Phrasess <3Fill me with your wisdom<3

"I've got a crush on you my baby...." [02 Oct 2003|11:14am]
[ mood | flirty ]
[ music | "Dile" - Don Omar ]

Wooo lawrd...it's been a minute since I last rambled about shit. Well let me catch everyone up. I've been smoking trees too much lately, but that's not usually bad when you aren't spending your own money on it. I've been chilling with D...and he still wants it but like I said to him "I won't be your whore so don't think I'm fucking you while you got a girlfriend motherfucker." Woops, was that too honest of me? I don't think it was hell, fuck that who wants to be second in someones life?? Well depending on if you care about the person or not that is....and not that I honestly care I just don't really have much of an attraction to him anymore anyway.

Lets see...what else do I have to talk about.... OOH! Vad ::sigh:: I found myself someone who I actually like....we're still in the "blatently flirting phase" because we're too shy to say anything to one another about it. It's so funny he wanted to ask me to go to the movies with him the other night and was like "um...what are you doing tonight??" and I go "Nothing probably going home to do homework or smoke an L." and he goes "oh...I wanted to see a movie tonight..." and I didn't take the bait because I'm a slow motherfucker and I go "Oh...well I'll see you later then" and left work lmfao. The funny thing about this is that I finally got myself a European, but I still can't get away from motherfucking JERSEY! He lives there, well his family lives there, he in fact lives at my boy Tom's house because he works up here and it's pointless to travel back and forth even though it's really not that far from here but anyway!! He's still got his accent and ahhhhh he's just so fucking cute and sweet and...ugh just different than I've been attracted to in a long time. He doesn't have an attitude, he's not an asshole, he's getting his shit together, he's mature for his age (Which is one of the bigger plus'), etc...etc...
I haven't seen him in days now because he's been at his house. OOH!....it was cute the first night I chilled with him he was telling me he lived in Jersey. He has a view of the Manhattan Skyline right outside his window and he goes "you should come see it sometime..." hmm...I think I'm going to take him up on that offer sometime soon!

So then when we were at work the other night, he came into the kitchen looking at his watch. I went over and said let me see and started to unlatch it and put it on my hand and said "ooh...mine now" and he laughed and blushed. He kept coming back into the kitchen and showing me his wrist and I kept saying no and he didn't put up much of a fight until I was going to leave. I said I was leaving with it and he grabbed both my hands and just looked me hard in the eyes and smiled and god damn I melted and gave it back. It's quite funny how not many guys have that effect on me and most of the time I can honestly tell them to fuck off without a thought. But anyway...let me shut up and go study for this test that I'm taking today...ooh and I get to see him when I go there too!!! Ah...I turn into such a girl when I have a crush on a guy it's so funny.

*uno* <33

...so let's put a rush on us sweet baby...

<3Fill me with your wisdom<3

Changing my view on things... [18 Sep 2003|11:58am]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | "Krazy" - Elephant Man ]

You know it takes one thing to change your view on an entire situation. You coming back into my life made me realize a lot of things that I had been putting on the back burner. I still care about you, but it's because of our history. I'm over him and his drama but I wasn't letting go because I couldnt set my sights on anyone else and, to my insanity, actually thought that something could actually happen between us once more, boy was I delusional! I'm better off the way I am right now and that is, alone. I'd rather set my sights on my studies and getting my health in order, considering I might end up in the hospital again if I don't shape up and if that happens, I don't think that I'll be so lucky again. I value my life more than I do any fucking bullshit so all the bullshit is now being overlooked and ignored and funny, the people that always cause the bullshit hate when their little comments get ignored so I know it is probably bothering them that I don't say shit. ah silence is a loud voice for those who seek attention no? It's ok they'll get over it, actually no, they won't get over it but I don't give a fuck anyway so oh fucking well suck a dick and choke on it ok? well anyway I need to get in the shower before asshole gets here so......I'm off

*uno*

2Meaningless Phrasess <3Fill me with your wisdom<3

[26 Aug 2003|12:21am]
[ mood | bored ]

I just got this journal....it'll be better if I start using this rather than using livejournal. I'm tired of people always talking shit and being all up in my buisness so why not just use the blog site that I don't know anyone is on ;] Hopefully this will be better for me...

3Meaningless Phrasess <3Fill me with your wisdom<3

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