| Gone, and back again... |
[15 Jul 2008|10:52am] |
|
Went on a week's vacation to a lake cottage with a bunch of family and friends. First four days was alright, last 3 not so much. But I don't really want to get in to a bitch and whine fest over it right at the moment. I've been back for a few days, just sorta catching up with everything around me. Pissed off that the date I'm suppose to be off on the pills was pushed back but whatever. There's not really much I could do about it, my DR. is going to be out of town on vacation for a period of time and I guess I can't be dropped during that time in case of medical emergencies. So I'm sorta fucking waiting for it to be over. And looking forward and nervous to starting a new phase in my so called "Life." In the mean-time I guess I've been getting in some pretty bad moods and acting like a complete asshole but I don't see it that way. =)
|
|
| I'm still around, just kinda been busy.... |
[30 Jun 2008|03:54pm] |
Sorry for skipping out on all of you guys for so long, just a bunch of stuff going on with life and I wasn't around to update. If anyone remembers I'm a recovering opiate addict and I've been doing an out-patient program for quite some time where I take this pill to help me get off the opiate pills. As of July 11th I'll finally be done with that and I'll be on my own from there and just struggling with life like everyone else. I may have been an addict in the past but that doesn't mean I have to stay addicted. I have the control and power to see this through. Am I never going to take an opiate again in my life? Pfft, I don't think there's anyway I could avoid this. I might have to in the future and I just hope I'm prepared for it. I'll take precautions such as telling the doctors about my past if something happens where they need to put me on a pain killer, such as surgery, car accident, etc.... I'll also avoid them if I can and I'll hand the bottle over to a friend and make sure I'm regulated on how much I take. Only things I can really think of to do. New medicine is being made everyday maybe I won't ever have to take them again for anything, I can only hope.
I'm still single, I never got together with the one girl I mentioned in my last post. I just wasn't ready like I said, and she knew it and she knew my situation. Nothing happened we just hung out a few times and I told her I wasn't ready. I don't know what will happen in the future but I still want to be single till I'm squared away and feel good about getting into one. Some other things have been going on in my life as well but I'll save that for another time.
|
|
| Yeah... |
[21 Dec 2007|11:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
I'm still alive, Not dead yet. Life has been more ups and downs. Christmas, New years, wedding. Each about 5 days apart. So not in a fucking Christmas mood. But after a few shots, maybe that'll change. Started hanging out with one of My brother's...girlfriends...best friends. I don't know what to think at the moment. But I'll probably end up calling myself an idiot in the end.
Still not done with the treatments, so I shouldn't be getting involved in a fucking relationship in any way shape or form if I don't believe I'm ready for one. And seen as how it's one of her best friends, and she's here almost every day(my brother's girlfriend) I feel like if I fuck something up, I'll hear no end of it or the same if something goes wrong on that end.
Fuck it, 'tis the season to get off your jollies.
|
|
| Still around.. |
[11 Nov 2007|12:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Stone Sour - Zzyxz Rd. |
] |
I've been reading a lot lately. I really started to get hooked on James Patterson books. I'm reading my 7th one now since the beginning of October. And I've been watching the HBO T.V. series OZ off my computer and crap cause I've never seen it and heard some stuff about it. It's a pretty fucked up show and besides all the guy on guy kissing and stuff, I like it.
I've been asked to stand up in my cousin's wedding as a groomsman. I really don't know how I feel about this, it is an honor but to me it's also a burden with the trying to come off the pills and everything else, I don't want to feel sick or do something to disappoint him that day. I know, I'm worrying a lot probably over nothing but that's how I am. That's how I was built. With high anxiety, I worry about anything and everything.
I've been really blah lately, my mom's sick with Bronchil-pneuomonia?Sp? and I think I'm catching it somehow cause I started to get cold/flu symptoms a few days before she went in to the doctors. I've been in such a "I don't feel like doing anything cause nothing seems to give me joy" mood lately so I haven't posted in a long while. I still check stuff ever so often and maybe make a few comments but I have to get myself out of this rut first.
My ex has been trying to talk with me again, messaging me on here and myspace and stuff. I've ignored it. Some other people have been on my nuts for some reason and it's just like go away. I'm not looking for some fucking pussy or someone to date, I'm in a crappy mood most of the time and I just want to take care of myself before I have some girl all over my nuts bugging me. I don't flirt or throw off wrong signals but whatever.
My Dad's also been really sick again like today he is so out of it he doesn't even know how to work his fucking T.V. remote. just, I don't know what to do anymore. He can't walk without like being held onto or he might fall. So the past few nights I've had to keep an eye on him during the middle of the night cause he'll get up and wander. I have to hold onto him as he walks and goes up the stairs. Just, blah. And he's worried about being forced into early retirement when he is in his right mind and able to talk whole sentences, while making sense. Life has just seemed to be shit lately.
|
|
| I feel dead.. |
[07 Oct 2007|01:44am] |
|
I feel so fucking sick at the moment. Shaky as hell, extremely exhausted/weak, overly fucking tired, and I still can't manage more than 5 hours of sleep. The sleeps been like that for over a week now. I feel like I want to just roll over and die, without really rolling over cause I feel like I don't even have the energy for that. I don't know why I feel like this either. I'll talk to my psychologist when I see him next and tell him he'll probably tell me to go see my primary. Fuck my primary, I need a new one. I won't go to that bastard ever again. I'm hoping I'll start to feel a little better soon. Tonight's just been the worst. I can't even think properly, I just feel so fucking wiped.
|
|
| Reader's Block |
[03 Oct 2007|08:51am] |
|
Past few days have been annoying, trying to read a book by James Patterson. Never read him before and I've heard so many things about how much of a great writer he is. So I've been trying to read this book. But I want to write this short story also and I started to but I need to do the research like I said and right now I also have other stuff on my mind that I usually don't want to write cause I'm worrying about something in my life. So every single time I go outside to smoke and read for a little bit all I do is start tossing ideas around in my head about the story that I want to write. It's so fucking annoying cause I'll sit there and keep reading a paragraph over and over and think about stuff for the story I want to write. It's annoying. I'm hoping it'll die down once I get down a complete, perfect outline of the story wrote down and I know that, that's the direction I want to take with it. But trying to read at the moment is driving me insane.
|
|
| Weird Ideas.. |
[30 Sep 2007|03:27am] |
|
Sometimes, out of nowhere. Doing anything and everything or nothing at all, I'll get ideas for a short story to write or a poem or something. It's very rare and so far I've only wrote four things. But early yesterday morning when trying to read another idea sparked and it wouldn't go away, so I sat trying to read but just coming up with ideas for how the short story I wanted to write would go. I kept the good ideas, discarded the bad made an outline of notes in my head and went inside after about an hour. Typed the notes/ideas in word as an outline, then I went to bed. I woke up checking the stuff over this afternoon and decided I really didn't want to write the story, it was such a touchy fucking subject and such an awful one at that. But I decided so many authors can write some sick shit and get away with it with no other thoughts or ideas, so I decided fuck it and started to write. I only knocked out about four typed pages so far and I feel like I haven't dented the thing. The thing is I need to do a lot of research about the topics I kinda need to know about but no one would ever give me straight answers if I called a professional and asked and I've looked around online for some information. I'll have to dig more or figure out another way to do some stuff in the story. Either way, I like writing sometimes. But really it's only random and when I get a feeling or urge to do it. I've wrote only 3 poems, and one short story that is 10 typed pages long. I've taken no college courses or any special writing courses. I skipped a lot of school and never liked it, I graduated at an alternative school but I got a regular diploma and I graduated before all of my other friends back at the original high-school. I don't know, I don't think I'm that good at all but I like what I write and that's what matters to me. I don't expect to become a famous author and sell books ever, but I would like to go to college and minor in journalism at least. Anyways, sort of an update, sort of random thoughts. Whatever, I wrote an entry.
|
|
| Another Dr. Appointment... |
[20 Sep 2007|04:26am] |
Had another appointment with my Psychologist on Tuesday. Once again, took a piss before we left the house. Once again, second time in a row they wanted to do a drug screen on me. WTF?!? I just took one last time, a month and a half-ago or whatever. You bitches. So now I assume it's going to be an every-time thing. I had to sit there and suck down cup after cup of water. After the bottle of water I brought and about 7 small cups of water and then about 50 minutes. Which was right after I spoke with the Doctor, I was able to do it. But it's so fucking annoying. And the fact that they've done it twice in a row now to me. And also everyone else who was there both times. Just, it's shit. I understand the need to do it, but it's not really random if you're going to just keep doing them every visit. But hey, if they want to kick out people who've been using while using the treatment drugs to not go through withdrawals than by all means, screen me each time I come see you and kick people off the program who aren't taking it seriously so other people who will can get into it. The D.E.A. law of the Suboxone drug makes all doctors take classes/seminars for the drug before they come certified to dispense it. Then each doctor can only have thirty?(I believe that's the correct amount) of patients on the medication at a time. So it's really hard to get into the program in the first place. I got fucking lucky. So anyways, I don't know why they're doing the screens like this now, but that's my best guess.
I was also talking with a friend and telling her about the place I went to for this, and she said her brother had to go there once for over-dosing with some friends on some drug and this and that and having to spend a week there under suicide watch. I told her that I would of probably of had to do the in-patient thing if the spot for the suboxone wasn't open. And then told her how people who did the in-patient thing told me how they were there for their substance abuse, and were getting mixed up with the suicidal patients and given papers only pertained to suicide and this and that, stuff that didn't pertain to the reason why they were there. Because it's a mental health institute and it's not just for substance abuse. She wanted to argue the point with me that, that wasn't the case, that didn't happen. And I didn't want to point out the fact that her brother was filed under both cases so how would he of known? And I didn't want to get into an argument about something so stupid so I just said "That's just what I heard from people who did the in-patient thing who had just a substance-abuse problem." That was pretty much the end of the conversation and we stopped talking and haven't talked since. So yeah, whatever. I don't understand how I can find people buttons to push so easily when I don't even push them and still end up in the same situation. Most of the people I talk to are so fucking retarded, they all want me to lie and say everything they want to hear - whispering sweet nothings into their ear - instead of honesty and the truth. Fuck off. I didn't even say anything offensive. Then they wonder why I'd rather stay home than go hang out with them sometimes.
My bitch ex tried to contact me through instant-message. I'm surprised she shut the fuck up and left me alone for this long. No I haven't tried to talk to her at all and I don't have any intention too. This is what she said.
September 17, 2007
Ex (4:42:17 PM): hey
Ex (4:44:22 PM): I just wanted you to know...that im pretty sure that blog that I read back in like Aug about annoying people...is about me...I was not trying to annoy you...I just felt bad about all the stuff with you dad and thought maybe you would like some distraction....thats why I keept asking u if you wanted to do stuff....and when I offered to take u with me to davids(My Cousin's) it was cuase I knew you didnt get out much and thought you might like that. I never ment to annoy you. I just wanted you to know that.
I don't really care or believe her. She was bugging me well before I knew about my Father, let alone told her. And that time didn't bother me, I understood it. It was the whole cousin thing, striving for my attention and really trying to get me to hang out with her by going way the fuck out to his place just because she figured that's how she'd get me to go.
On a slightly better note, one of my older friends I used to work with is holding a Halo 3 all-night party. And wants me to come. Just going to be a small get together with some friends. Not sure what I want to do yet. Depends on how I'm going to feel, I'm suppose to adjust dosage which is going to make me feel sick. But, I can hold off on that. Still I get the random waves of sickness some days. I want to go, drink a little..have some fun. I haven't really been out of the house in a fucking while to do anything. I'm a gamer nerd like him. I've hung out and done Halo-lan parties at some houses before between my friends and some of his friends so I know the guys/girls I'll be hanging out with and they're not the idiot drama fucks I bitch about in here. So it'd be a nice night to just relax, say what's on my mind without having to feel like I'm censoring/holding back myself cause I know they won't get mad or sad, they'll know I'm joking and having fun. Can just hope I feel good that night/day so I can do it.
|
|
| Crack... |
[15 Sep 2007|11:20pm] |
I crack my knuckles, neck, back, toes..whatever. Not really much so my neck or back anymore cause they're so fucked up mostly it's my knuckles, sometimes my toes. Anyways, I cracked my big toe on my right foot awhile ago cause it was bothering me, and now it feels broken. I'm fucking awesome.
Fuck the New England Patriots. They got caught cheating red-handed more than once, they deserve the penalty and fines they received.
Umm, MTV...celebrity rap superstar. What the fuck is this shit? Why is it even called MTV anymore? It's more like RTV(Reality T.V.) Oh wait I forgot they still play some music videos around 2 a.m. And half of these new music artists coming out I can't fucking stand. I barely listen to the radio anymore.
That whole Rehab song by that one bitch, annoys me deeply. As does her ugly ass with the bee hive hair.
|
|
| Chat with an old friend... |
[13 Sep 2007|05:46pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Kanye West - Stronger |
] |
So I had a chat with an old friend(Hollie.) She told me about this other old friend whose a cunt(Ali.) And how she was pregnant now. This the girl I've mentioned before who whisked her Boyfriend off to get married before he would find out about her cheating on him. I told my friend Hollie that I could give a fuck less about the stupid ass cunt. And she acted surprised at what I said and like she didn't know my true feelings towards Ali. This Ali is a cunt. She's a fucking attention seeker who lies and tries to put people in awkward situations to see drama for her own personal entertainment and many other things. One thing being she's had cancer several times(at least 3) and she's miraculously been cured each and every time without chemo treatments or anything. And she's also been pregnant 3-4 times with different guys, and loss all 3 of the first kids and her doctor told her that was the last time she would ever probably have the chance to conceive again. Now she's supposedly pregnant again. This bitch just lies and lies and lies. One night a bunch of us were at her house for a bonfire and to have fun. I drank a little, and stopped. I started to get a headache it was around 3 A.M. my brother who was there and the driver had to be up by like 7 A.M. for work and they all wanted us to go. I told my one friend (Jennie) I had a headache and then Jennie politely asked Ali if she has any tylenol. Ali was not too intoxicated at all and could thing clearly she just chose to be a cunt. She started naming off painkillers with opiates that she had, all while everyone knew what the fuck I was going through I told them about it in April after I started to get help, this was not last June but the June before when this happened. And as soon as she started naming them off I said "Stop!" She continued to name off more opiate pain-killers and I started to just walk away, my Brother immediately yelled "SHUT UP" to her and she kinda stopped. Then she didn't even act like she knew what she had did wrong. Fuck that. She did. She talked to me about it before and told me she was there if I ever needed anything, yeah...like I'd come to you. If I told you anything in confidence everyone would know including people that don't even know me. This is just the person she is. And while my ex was dating this guy Kurtis whom everyone hated, even her friends and even my Ex(but wouldn't leave him, just would bitch and then when I wasn't around tell everyone she still loved me) Ali through a birthday party for my ex. She called it a joint birthday party though cause mine was two days before hers. I didn't really want to go but since it was suppose to be like "party my birthday party" I figured I feel like shit if I didn't show up. So I show up with my brother and a friend. And My ex and her b/f get surprised. Ali never fucking told them she had invited us or that I would be there. Or that Kurtis would be there. She does all this shit just to see drama. Nothing fucking happened I couldn't care less. I didn't want my ex. Yet I guess later on that evening her boyfriend complained that me and her were flirting in the kitchen when he was outside. I guess talking to an ex is forbidden. This cunt does all this stupid stuff and I guess my friend Hollie is sort of her friend again. And was trying to defend her on some parts, and then she abruptly got off-line. So I was like hmm, okay she must be mad at me. I'm not going to change what I think about someone just cause their your friend, I'll tell you the truth of what I fucking think about them, like it or not. Don't want to hear it. Don't fucking ask or talk about them to me like I should care. The next day Hollie talked to me again I asked if she was mad because she left the way she did and she said no, not at all and we talked some more about some of the crap this cunt Ali pulled. I just don't understand why her friends keep going back to her. They'll be like I'm done with her, I won't be her friend again all she does is lie. And like three months later they're fucking friends again. What the fuck? Guys are so much different in that regard. Some people I just can't understand, just don't expect me to hang out with someone I strongly dislike or to act like I'm friends with them when they're around. I won't do it.
|
|