deceiving.   
07:30pm 09/09/2003
 
mood: accomplished
music: none.
this post is to stop the hate mail ive been getting for not posting. i apologize. ive been busy trying to get a job so i can support my fucking family. but every interview ive been to ive either been stoned or drunk. except that one time when i immediatly got kicked out of the building because of my piercings and tattoos and my lack of shirt. life has been better than usual. ive been to school twice since it started. i think ill start to go back though. hopefully we can get enough money to move out of this place. if we do move it will just be me kali and nia. her boyfriend is an asshole. which ive been saying all along. but she just realized it. and threw him out. thats made me alot happier. im pretty boring. i havent done anything all summer except...stuff. anyway. im going to leave. i would leave a poem but i havent had the time to make anymore. -R.E.R.
 
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11:24pm 07/08/2003
 
mood: cynical
music: none
suicide attempt number 18. failed. time to give up. oh. im getting my tattoo removed. the ecstacy one. painful procedure. maybe ill die during the procedure. thatd be nice.
 
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its my birthday   
02:22pm 11/07/2003
 
mood: happy
music: none
its my birthday. sixteen. almost an adult. almost. im happy. i should have birthdays more often. to make things better i got a car. cavalier. its not much but its something. i have to help pay for it. kali drew a picture. it was of me and her. i hung it up on my wall. mr fucked up bitch fuck got me a camera. what the fuck am i going to take pictures of? maybe the rapists and murderers who roam the streets at night. ill take a picture of my tongue ring. that reminds me. stephy. you never got to see my tongue ring ;). you know you want to. and its not my fucking fault. email me back. youre a little cho cai. i mean that in the best possible way. im going to go for a drive. i might be back later. i doubt it though.
 
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08:04pm 28/06/2003
 
mood: tired
music: none
im such a fuckup. no one gives a shit. im still alive. but id rather be dead. wow. i havent updated in a while. during this time i have sat in my room. in silence. alone. ive lost my smell again. why the hell does my smell leave? maybe because i havent seen daylight in a while. i really should get out. try not to get mugged. or anything like that. im been saving up for a new deck. and new shoes. i should probably get those now. ill talk to everyone again later.
 
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song   
11:32am 19/05/2003
 
mood: crushed
music: (none)
sleepless night again
crying from the pain
once again alone in my thoughts
sad times never end

taken away from shim
shes not comming back
i long for just one thing
a moment to say goodbye

my hard times
will never end, never sease to be
depressed mind
sitting alone crying alone is me
-R.E.R
 
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my poem. everythings fine   
05:21pm 17/05/2003
 
mood: depressed
music: (none)
notes in accordance with your heart
they will make you breathe
make you work beyond necessity
words to make everything disappear
just hold hands
and look at faces with understanding
they will make you live
with life blurring around you, unchanging
spinning, while your center of gravity
remains the same
clasped together, though
there is only this to bring you back again
back to ordinary
back to disbelief
to music
-Raine
 
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08:28pm 10/05/2003
 
mood: irritated
music: (none)
i feel like fucking shit. school just got rigged with fucking metal detectors so every door will beep if you have something metal on you. i have decided to finally quit taking all these drugs that are making me fucked up. im going to be irritable for the next few days but anyway. just another post proving my life is still here. (unfortunatly)
 
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07:51pm 03/05/2003
 
mood: gloomy
music: radiohead-- fake plastic trees
just letting everyone know that im still alive. unfortunatly.prophecys better. huge gash in his leg. thats brooklyn for you. anyway. got a dog. now i have to go walk the damn thing.
 
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12:24pm 27/04/2003
 
mood: depressed
music: (none)
havent left my room for so long. my mom hasnt even noticed.stupid bitch.shes too into Mr.Fucked-Up Bitchfuck.well. at least they have something in common. theyre both bitches. kali says hes abusing her. she has marks all down her arms. i told nia. she didnt beleive me. i cant even get up to go see prophecy. hes not doing too well. the only friend i have here. i got kicked out of the hopspital when i was trying to see him. stupid sars. this world is a piece of shit. i dont look like me. i dont even smell like me. ( i know. i know. you like my smell steph. but its gone.) im so fucked up. Pro gets out of the hospital in a few days. then were going to bail a friend out of jail. see what kind of a hell this is? i hate it here. i have to go.
 
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04:29pm 25/04/2003
 
mood: depressed
music: neptunes-- provider
trey's gone. i found my dad and i am not happy about it. well. maybe just a bit. hes an asshole. and hes a white jamaican. how lame can you get. i might go to jamaica to see him. prophecy got shot. i might visit him in the hospital. fuck. i should see him right now. i feel bad. ill talk to everyone later. if im still alive.
 
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Trey   
03:35pm 18/04/2003
 
mood: excited
music: queens of the stone age -- go with the flow
guess who's coming to brooklyn for easter. that would be Trey. im pretty excited. i haven't seen him since that party that we were at. (steph ;) ) that was when we still lived in ottawa. for yall who dont know who Trey is , he's my step-brother. we have the same dad. Kali and i have the same mom AND dad. confusing shit is what it is.
 
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New News   
05:52pm 16/04/2003
 
mood: okay
music: (none)
Useless facts about the past few days of my life:
1. I transferred to a new school
2. I'm the only white person IN the new school
3. I have a new friend
4. His name is Prophecy
5. He has an afro
6. His teeth are gold ( well, some of them anyway)
7. I got my eyebrow peirced

that's about it. About the whole smuggling me back into Canada thing....can you smuggle Prophecy back too?
 
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Friendless   
06:18pm 14/04/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: (none)
I have no friends. I'm an outcast. A white boy living in a black 'hood. I think I might write a song. Anyone looking for a songwriter? I miss Canada.....and its beer. And my friends. fuck. Smuggle me back into your country.
 
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07:11pm 13/04/2003
 
mood: aggravated
music: (none)
this guy keeps calling my house and telling me to join the navy. i've been trying very hard to make him go away. i've used:
"go fuck the navy"
"NO"
"yes, and after can i have some ice cream?"
"fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk oooooooooofffffffffff"
"fuckoff" ( i said that one really fast)
"can you lick your own balls?"
"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TORTURING ME LIKE THIS?"
"will i have to cut my hair?"

he hasn't called for about an hour now, so i think i'll be alright. fuck. the phone's ringing. i'll get back to ya later.
 
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FUCK!   
04:14pm 09/04/2003
 
mood: pissed off
music: (none)
Mr. Fucked-up Bitchfuck fucked up my fucking homework. The little fucker ate it! What the hell am i going to tell my fucking teacher. "yes, you heard me. my mothers boyfriend ate my homework" My fucking teacher wont believe that. i cant tell it my dog ate it either because I HAVE NO FUCKING DOG! fuck. mom wants me to stop swearing. well fuck that.
 
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11:19am 05/04/2003
 
mood: pissed off
music: fight music -- d12
im still chewing on the same straw. mr. fucked-up bitchfuck tried to brake my rib even more. i was sitting on the couch and he's picks up the football and yelled "think fast" fucking almost gave me a heart attack. it bounced off my knee and broke an ugly-ass lamp my mom bought from some gypsies. she came in the room and yelled at me for braking the lamp. i yelled back at her "IT WAS MR FUCKED-UP BITCHFUCK!" then she left mumbling. god.
 
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Jungle Fever   
12:03pm 04/04/2003
 
mood: pissed off
music: (none)
hah! thank you robert. i dont have to go to school now that youve broken my rib. when i get better im goin to.....not beat the crap out of you becuase you're huge....but i will hire a bodyguard or something. then youll be sorry. you know something? ive been chewing on this plastic straw for about 6 and a half hours now. yeah, stop laughing....youd be sitting here eating straws too if your rib was broken. it hurts and i cant move. my mom tried to fucking hug me and i heard a 'crack' i was like "ohhhhhh shit" but she had just sat on some chips. then mr. fucked-up bitchfuck came into the house and my mom left with him. damn bastard.
 
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kill list   
06:25pm 02/04/2003
 
mood: cynical
music: (none)
i just got back from the doctor. robert broke my rib. my back's fucked up to. he deserves a spike through his head.
My Kill List
1. Robert
2.Mr. Fucked-Up Bitchfuck (aka. mom's boyfriend)

I hate Mr. Fucked-Up Bitchfuck. i called him that today. mom got pissed. Kalista said he hit her. Im serious about putting pills in his food. little purple pills.
 
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Hate   
06:00pm 31/03/2003
 
mood: indescribable
music: korn -- dead
I fucking hate the world. I hate everything. (except the finer things in life). I need help. I need to take care of Kali. I need love. I need to find my dad. I need my mom to pay more attention to us. she has a new boyfriend. I hate him. I should put pills in his food. then he'd learn.
 
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Father   
05:32pm 30/03/2003
  I thought i found my dad this moring. I was so excited. but it turns out it wasn't him. i've almost given up trying to find this mutherfucker. why kind of an asshole gets some 13 year old girl knocked up (twice) then leaves? im not even sure why i want to find him anyway. Nia knows where he is, I know she knows. fuck, She's probably talking to him right now.  
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