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XpRe DiCt AbLeX

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[15 Oct 2003|07:12am]
[ mood | crushed ]

Ya know what, I was doing just perfect until I woke up this morning, it's been a week today since he dumped me. I remembered that a week before when I was over his house, we got in a huge fight over... well I can't remember what... But we got into a huge fight and I said sorry and I told him that he was the only thing I cared about and that everyone else could go to Hell for all I cared and he told me he wasn't going to leave me for a long while and that he'll always love me, wow, how things change. I have a plan, I know what I'm going to do, yeah I might actually die from it, I don't intend to, it's just going to be enough to get me into hospital so that Rachel and Cara can tell Bruce I took an overdose. Cassy took 50 paracetamol and survived, think if I take 30 i'll be okay but still pass out and have to go to hospital? That's what I want to do, I don't want to die, then I won't be able to see the look on Bruce's face after. I just want him to be scared, make him think I might die. But I'm going on holiday next week, I want to be well by then. Infact, I actually don't want to go, but I don't want to spoil it for everyone else. I just want to do it so bad though, maybe if I do it at school and they have to call an ambulance... nah that'd just be embarrassing. My mum's going to Spanish tonight, I want to do it like 10 minutes before she's due in, so she sees me passed out on the floor. I want to write a note to Bruce, damn, it's too late now... I'll do it tomorrow, I'm going to write a note to Bruce and tell Rachel to give it to him on Friday... damnit, but Cassy wasn't out for a week. Maybe if I'm still hurting by the time I get back from holiday I'll do it... I want him to suffer right now. Y'see, he's going to end up with no one 'cause Jessica won't go out with him. He'll have dumped me, and what for? For nothing... He's going to wish that he stayed with me 'cause I was the best thing that happened to him and he knew that... oh well.
Hope I get hit by a bus on the way to school, cya. xxxxxxx

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[15 Oct 2003|07:24am]
[ mood | crushed ]

[ x ] Spell your first name backwards- yckiv.
[ x ] The story behind your user name - It's an Evanescence song.
[ x ] Are you a lesbian - I am not.
[ x ] Where do you live - Bedfordshire... which is a load of shit. where do I wish I lived? 6 feet under the ground.
[ x ] 4 words that sum you up - Rejected, unloved, missunderstood, dying inside.
[ x ] Wallet - I don't have one.
[ x ] Hairbrush - It's purple.
[ x ] Toothbrush - It's green and white.
[ x ] Jewelry worn daily - I only wear a watch.
[ x ] Pillow covers - Just a flowery one.
[ x ] Blanket - I don't have a blanket.
[ x ] Coffee cup - I don't drink coffee.
[ x ] Sunglasses - I don't wear any.
[ x ] Underwear - I have a variety, mostly thongs, and lotsa playboy underwear. *nods*
[ x ] CD in stereo right now - Christina Aguilera ~ Stripped.
[ x ] Tattoos - I don't have any right now.
[ x ] Piercings - My bellybutton, my lip, my nose, and right now only three each side of my ear and one at the top of my left one.
[ x ] What you are wearing now- My school uniform.
[ x ] Hair - Just straightened.
[ x ] Makeup - I don't wear make-up.

WHO or WHAT (was/is/are)

[ x ] In my mouth - My tongue.
[ x ] In my head - *Sigh* ...Bruce...
[ x ] Wishing - To be back with Bruce again.
[ x ] After this - I will probably cry.
[ x ] Talking to - No one.
[ x ] Eating - Nothing, I've chosen not to eat much now.
[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now - Bruce...
[ x ] Is next to you - My lonely sgadow.
[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month- Seeing Evanescence, I guess...
[ x ] The last thing you ate - Lamb.
[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - Dying alone.
[ x ] Do you like candles - Yes.
[ x ] Do you like hot wax - Yes.
[ x ] Do you like incense - Yes.
[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood - It tastes like money or someting. =/
[ x ] Do you believe in love - *Sigh* I did...
[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates - Yes, I just haven't found mine yet.
[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight - No, you'd have to know them to love them, you can think they're hot, but it's different.
[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven - Nah.
[ x ] Do you believe in forgiveness -Of course, I'd forgive Bruce if he was willing to take me back...
[ x ] Do you believe in God - I gave up on him a long time ago.

[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - U don't care.
[ x ] Who is your worst enemy - Me.
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - I don't care for pets.
[ x ] What is the latest you've ever stayed up- I've stayed up all night many times.
[ x ] Ever been to Belgium - I've been through it.
[ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - Nope.
[ x ] What's your favorite coin - Heh...
[ x ] What are some of your favorite candy - Don't care.
[ x ] What's something that you wish people would understand - That I just want Bruce more than anything else in the world.
[ x ] What's something you wish you could understand better - Why Bruce had to leave me.
[ x ] What's one thing you want to make happen for tomorrow - That Bruce will change his mind and come back to me.

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Another letter regarding my feelings... [15 Oct 2003|03:34pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | Delta Goodrem ~ Lost Without You ]

Dear Bruce
I think I only saw you a few times today, you only saw me twice. You smiled at me both times, I could tell that smile, it was your guilty smile. You know you've hurt me and I don't think you like it too much. I don't really like us not talking much, just saying hi on the odd occasion, it makes me miss what we had even more. I still want to be your friend, you know, not just a friend that does what we seem to be doing at the moment. Maybe in a couple of weeks you'll be able to look at me properly again and we'll get talking like we used to. I know nothing will ever be the same, I just wish we could have talked things through before it was too late. And I guess it is too late now. Before you liked me, life had so many lows, and I knew everything had hit rock bottom, but I also knew that if I waited, something... or someone... would come along and turn it all around. And that happened, but my journey on cloud nine had to end, my time expired or something, and everything's gone down again. It seems that life is like an hour glass, things just get worse and worse, and eventually, everything will hit the bottom, but if I just be patient and wait, something will come along and turn it around... I guess not talking to you or seeing you much has a good side, it'll probably help me to get over you, not that I want that much right now, but it's happening and I have to deal with it. But I'll be okay, I'm not sure when, I know it'll take a while, but I'll get over the tears and probably look back and laugh at how I cried so much and cared so much what you thought of me. I'll move on. :)
Love always
Vicky x x x x x

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AHAHAHAHA! IT'S GOODREM! [15 Oct 2003|05:59pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Delta Goodrem ~ In My Own Time ]

XxlnNoCeNtEyEsxX: I'm listening to Delta.
Cheeky mo3980061: delta goodman

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[15 Oct 2003|09:05pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Hilary Duff ~ So Yesterday ]

A:lcohol. *Hiss*
B:ruce. :(
C:hocolate ~ Comfort eating.
D:elta Goodrem.
S:ay goodbye.
X:I just think of 'exit'. =/
Anti: depressent.
For:give me Bruce. <3
Ja:sper... what the fuck?
Ne:ed love.

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[15 Oct 2003|09:15pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | TLC ~ Unpretty ]

Oooh, I wrote like, the best song I've ever written tonight! It's so amazing for something I've written myself, lol, I'm so proud. I heard something tonight I'm slightly confused about. Ya see, Bruce told me he liked Jessica now, but he told Rozi, who happens to be one of his best mates, that he doesn't even fancy her. He wouldn't lie to Rozi, I'm sure he wouldn't. But why would he tell us different things? I have so many thoughts on this.
-Maybe he's trying to make it look like he's moved on.
-Maybe he's trying to show he's not hurt.
-Maybe he does like her but isn't sure.
-Maybe he's not over me but he wants to be.
I don't know, whatever. I'm not going to know until I ask him, I guess...
It's just, I saw him twice today, and both times, he looked at me, and I've seen the look somewhere before, that smile, that look in his eyes, it's a guilty look, like he knows he's done wrong and he's ashamed. It's confusing. Maybe he doesn't like Jessica and things are going to look up more... I wish...
Buh bye for now. x x x x

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