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kaleigha faye's Journal

22nd July, 2006. 10:10 pm. miserable

so i think i've come to the conclusion that i am slowly falling into a deeper and deeper state of depression and if i don't do something about it shortly it is probably going to end up getting the best of me. i don't understand why this keeps happening. it seems like everything is going great and i'm doing just fine. i'm laughing and smiling and being myself and all of a sudden out of no where depression jumps in the way and fucks up everything for me. why does this keep happening? is happiness really a battle? a struggle that i'm forced to fight for every single day? i don't understand this at all.

and worst of all i thought i used to have my friends to turn to but sadly everyone has become someone diffrent. nothing's the same anymore. everyone's changing right before my eyes and i can't do a thing about it. or is this all my fault? am i the one who's changed by refusing to change and become someone other that who i'd like to be? or is it that everyone else has found themselves and are changing into this "newly found" person and i remain stuck and un-changed, because i don't know who i am?

sadly in this world that gets more and more complex each and every day, these are questions that i have to figure out on my own. unfourtunately for me, i don't have someone who can show me how to find who i am. maybe what i need is to just get away. maybe i need to get away from the dysfucntional hell hole that i've been forced to call home for 16 miserable years. maybe what i need is to get out as soon as possible. to go ahead and live the life that i've always planned to lead and not look back. maybe what i need is to leave everything and everyone behind and find myself. maybe i need to take a path that leads me somewhere successful and never go astray.

i'm not sure what to do or where i'm going. right now, i'm just trying to figure out why i'm crying so hard. i hate being upset. i hate being miserable. i hate not trusting anyone. i hate not having someone to call me own. i hate the life that i'm currently leading. and i hate who i'm becoming.

dear summer 2006, you've changed everyone. you've ripped away the people that i love the most and made them into something that i can't stand. change me too. make me something diffrent.

Current mood: depressed.
Current music: face down - the red jumpsuit apparatus.

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22nd July, 2006. 10:31 pm. love?

here's a question. . .what the fuck is love?

is it that crazy feeling you get when the boy you think you may have feelings for says hello? or when he IM's you online? or when he calls your phone? or when he asks you to hang out? or when he says your pretty?

or is it when you can't eat in front of him because you're afraid you're going to look fat? or is it when you can never find anything to wear even though he won't say anything about your outfit anyway? or when you run to the phone praying that it's him? or when you're afraid to do anything wrong for the fear that he may not talk to you anymore? or when you decide to become friends with all his friends so that you can be around him more? or when every other word out of your mouth is his name? or when you talk too much, because you're nervous? or when you talk too little, because you don't want to sound stupid? or when you call him just to see how his day's going? or when you call his phone when you know it's off, because he's at work but you just want to hear his voicemail anyway?

i'm not in love and i absolutely refuse it. for now at least. i hate having feelings for someone that i know doesn't have them back. or does he? it sucks not knowing whether it would have ever worked out or not. sometimes i almost wish that we had never met that way i wouldn't have these feelings for him. and as much as i keep trying to tell myself that i don't like him anymore, something comes back screaming into my head that i do. everytime that i try and let go, something tells me to hold on.

sometimes i wonder if he's ever felt the same way about me? i wonder if he looks at his phone hoping it's me when he hears it ring? or if he ever just thinks about me and what i'm doing? or if he ever gets nervous when he's around me? or if he gets the same kind of feeling when he's around me, when i'm around him?

i guess i'll never know seeing as how i'll never be able to tell him. and even though i'll never be able to tell him i have this feeling that he already knows. sometimes i think that we should have been together and sometimes i think that we're better off just friends.

the question is. . .do i love him?

the answer is . . . yes i do. more than i will ever love anyone. he's made an impact on my life that nobody has made in a long time. he gives me the feeling that i can do anything, be anything. and i like that feeling. i love him with all my heart and soul and i will never stop. maybe one day i can express real love to someone more deserving of it. someone who wants to give me the same kind of affection and more, but now just isn't the time.

Current mood: moody.
Current music: untill we meet again - bandcamp.

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22nd July, 2006. 11:05 pm. here's to you

i was not your first and we both know that i won't be your last. as a matter of fact i wasn't really your anything when we think about it so i can't say that i'll be your only either. you've cared about someone else before and it wasn't long before you cared for someone else soon after. but when you cared about me then, nothing else mattered. you're not perfect and i'm not either and the two of else will never be perfect together. but the fact that i made you laugh at least once made me hold on to you that much more and give you as much of me as i could in that short time that we spent together. you're not going to quote poetry but maybe songs. you're not going to think of me every second of the day but maybe once in a while if i get lucky. but with all that said i'd still give you all of me, even the part that i know you can too easily break. i promise that with all that's happened and what may ever happen in the future that i will never ever hurt you or change you. i will never expect more than you can give and i refuse to over analyze ever again. i'll smile at all the times that you made me happy and wonder why i yelled all the times that you made me what. but for now since you're not here all i plan to do is miss you like crazy, be happy about the time we had together, and move on

Current mood: accomplished.
Current music: time stands still - all american rejects.

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22nd July, 2006. 11:39 pm. quizz

70 Odd Questions:

[1] What is your middle name:

[2] What color is your mailbox:

[3] Last time you kissed somone:

[4] Have you ever hit a deer:

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?

[6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning:

[7] Who checks the mail in your house?

[8] how many tv's are in your house?

[9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you:

[10] What do you do first in the morning?
shut my alarm off and go back to sleep

[11] What brand is your printer?

[12] Do you enjoy fighting with people:
sometimes yeah

[13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly:

[14] Who was your kindergarten teacher:
mrs mcgrath

[16] Are you taller than your mother:
same size

[17] Do you have a favorite word:
beast & buggin

[18] Are you good?:

[19] What do you do to get over a broken heart?

[20] Do you have a deep dark secret:

[21] Drink of choice?
sex on the beach

[22] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens:

[23] Does anything hurt on your body right now:
my head

[24] Do you often cry during movies:

[25] Do you hate your life:
right now

[26] Do you get mad easily:
too easily

[27] Do you drink to get drunk:

[28] What is your biggest pet peeve:
i dont know what a pet peeve is =/

[30] Do any of your friends have kids?

[31] If you could have a threesome with any 2 celebrities, who would they be?
orlando bloom & eminem

[34] Do you have any friends?
a few

[35] Do you have any mean friends?

[36] What is the ugliest color in your opinion:
not sure

[37] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?

[38] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff?
not yet

[39] Have you ever been fired from a job:

[40] What year was your house built:
11 years ago

[41] When was the last time you slept in someone elses bed:
on the cruise

[42] What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now?

[43] How tall are you:
5'5 ( and a quater)

[44] What is the closest green object:
my shirt

[45] What is on your feet:

[46] Do you always wear underwear?

[47] Do you want to have kids?

[50] Who is the last person (a friend you have) who you would expect to be gay?:
no comment

[51] Do you know how to draw:
i used to

[52] Whats your mother's middle name?

[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw?:
a series of unfourtunate events

[54] Do you collect comic books:

[55] Do you look like your dad?
thank god no

[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD:

[57] Are you wearing makeup:

[58] Do you have a tattoo:
not yet

[59] If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?
go to school and buy a car and leave home

[61] How many pairs of underwear do you have:
too many

[62] Is there something you want to tell someone, but you can't?

[63] Who is your hero(s):
my best friend patrick

[64] Who'd you last IM:

[65.] Do you work a lot of hours?
too manye

[67] Who was the last person that called you?

[69] Do you know where your family name originated from:

[70] Is there any animal/insect that creeps you out?

Current mood: bored.
Current music: how you gonna act like that - tyrese.

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