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T r y to deny [17 Jul 2003|01:40pm] Sorry for not updating. Been busy lately, I guess. Birthday on Saturday, party for my friend and I since her birthday is 3 days after mine. I'm busy at the moment, but I'll update sometime after Saturday. Hurts so bad, so bad, The pain from looking in your own mirror And knowing you are alone Try to deny that you’re building up fear… Reasons untold, reasons unanswered, Why does this mess with your mind You’re missing your yesterday and dreading tomorrow, It’s a lose-lose situation every time Such torment is brought on by only yourself. You can’t give it up, but you won’t try You know you’re scared, but you hide it so well It’s the heart-breaking question of “why?” Believe the dream never happened, Hung by hope is what you would wish. Stare one last time in your broken mirror, And a kiss from humility is all you get. Cry so hard, so hard The pain from looking at his face And knowing you are alone Try to deny that this isn’t your place Try to deny that fear is present Try to deny that your tears fall Try to deny that you live a nightmare Try to deny that you don’t love him at all … They know

[14 Jul 2003|08:00pm] He's got to know how to make me laugh. He has to run through sprinklers and even mud wrestle with me. He has to figure out what lake has the best view to watch the sunset while we are fishin. He has to say "sweet dreams" when we say goodnight. He will know what to say to me to always make me smile, and he will always know how to find me. He'll know its ok to not call me everyday even though I miss him like crazy when he doesnt. He will never know that I am constantly smiling when we talk on the phone until he tells me I am, because he can hear it in my voice. He will ask if he can kiss me on our first date, but he will know he doesn't have to think twice about giving me the biggest hug ever. He wont be nervous the first time he meets my parents. He has to make fun of me all the time, but still tell me I am everything to him, and no one could replace me. He will know how to tell when I am sad even when I am covering it up. He will take me out with him and not be embarrassed when he holds my hand in public. He knows the first thing I look for at the mall and he doesn't have to ask where I want to go first. He has to get embarrassed when I tell him what he means to me, and he will smile and lower his head trying not to blush. He would remember every anniversary we have, and he must know never to buy me a rose, but to just tell me I'm as beautiful as one. He will never give me quite what I want, but he will tell me what I want to know, but leave some kind of secrecy behind. Most importantly, he has to never do all of this, because he knows that perfection is the worst fault in the world. They know

muahaha [09 Jul 2003|01:23pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | keith urban - raining on sunday ] Survey then alittle updation at the bottom.... >>do you like ketchup: no >>do you like mustard: no >>do you have a bf: no >>have you ever made-out: yes >>have you ever broke any bones: no >>what are you most afraid of: death >>how long does it take you to get ready for school/work: about 45 minutes >>do you want to get married? i do, and i will >>what do you like to do? hang out w/ friends, shop, anything really, party >>what do you want your husbands name to be? we're not going there >>have you ever.. >>been so drunk you passed out? almost, but no >>gone out in public in your pajamas? yes >>cried during a chick flick? yes >>liked someone so much you cried? yes >>cussed when your parents were around? yes >>sung in front of the mirror? everyday >>made faces in the mirror? everyday >>spent more than one hour on your hair? yes >>sleep-walked, talked in your sleep? no >>watched a scary movie and couldn’t sleep all night? yes >>gone skinny-dipping? yes >>kissed someone of the same sex? no >>kept a new year's resolution? i don't make them >>would you ever >>eat bugs purposely? nope >>lie to your parents? have >>change clothes in front of an open window? yes well, last night went to chris' house for that party. we got there around 515 or something.. right after he got there. kind of boring at first, occupied the doritos bowl, i hadn't eaten anything all day. licked the frosting off the cake, and then things started getting interesting. there was 3 girls there, including me. and about 8 guys, it was retarded as fuck. they started beat-boxing and freestyling, and one guy wouldn't let me get up from the couch without going, "damn." so i sat there the whole time. they asked us questions while chris and his girlfriend were having sex somewhere in his house. they kind of piss me off, but thats a different story. left there early cause it was kind of boring - gave those guys our screennames, they are alright i guess but not cute at all. went to my friends, then home around 11. boring boring. new tv, whoopdie doo. going to the camp tonight, just for the day though from like 430-11 maybe. who knows, no one knows we're going up so we're going to surprise them. hahaaaaaaaa. :) i'm out, i'll update later. They know

[07 Jul 2003|11:12pm] This entry is not about the guy that I have been aimlessly talking about for the past two days since I got back from camp, but the guy before that. The guy that I liked for over five months. What really pisses me off is that you go for every guy that I seem to have my eye on. I don't care if he was fucken done with me, I wasn't done with him. It's like you know your a bitch, and your proud. We're not friends, and to me, your nothing but a backstabbing bitch. Yes, your pretty, yes your petite and some guys that I want like you. You've gone after about three of the guys that I have liked since I've known you and frankly to me thats alot. You like to prove to yourself that you are better then everyone else? Your a nice person but the backstabbing thing needs to stop. We fought alot in the past, and I ment and will never take back anything that I have ever said to you because its all true. You might be prettier then me, you might be uglier then me. I don't really know, nor care. But this time you really pushed it. Our other friend comforted you about the situation before, not that I didn't dare to just because I don't want to talk to you anymore. Yes, you can get the guys, you can get the guy that I used to like, like you. Only because you let them get into your pants and don't give a donkeys ass about them. You just go after them because you know that I liked them. Its not just me that you have done this too, its your other "so called" friends that you do this to, too. I can't even name how many guys you have said that you liked from us altogether. Its complete bullshit. They know

Sooner or later.. [07 Jul 2003|04:10pm] [ music | EDWIN McCAIN - I'LL BE ] My burns turning into a tan, although its still alittle red and kills. Last night after I updated, I didn't do much.. stayed online for about 5 more minutes and then went downstairs. Had some diet pepsi and munchems that were gross so I threw them away. Fell asleep on the couch, woke up about 2 minutes later from my dad coming down stairs and asking, "fall asleep?" Went upstairs got my pillow and went back downstairs to watch tv, went back upstairs 5 minutes later and went to bed. Fell asleep right when my head hit the pillow, damn I haven't slept in my own bed since Thursday. Woke up this morning around 10, Derek woke me up. I wanted to get up at 9 only to be followed with a nothing, but whatever. Chores, breakfast and shower. Online for a few, then downstairs.. lunch/A Dating story and TRL back and fourth. Came upstairs and got a telephone call, they want me to go to my friends boyfriends surprise birthday tomorrow. I'm thinkin' about it, but my friend who I am going there with only wants to do stuff with her ex-boyfriend and will probably leave me alone the whole time. I don't really know my friends (not the same one) boyfriend/and or his friends. Only a few of them and I am worried I probably will be there left alone while everyone else is having sex in the closet. I might not go, then again I might. We'll see. I'm having that nervous-sick to your stomach feeling because I am missing <*>someone<*> so much. We had a conversation about this, and he asked me if I had ever felt that way before. And I told him no not sick to my stomach missing them, but I've missed someone pretty bad before. And its really weird that its happening to me now. I just wanna be up there, no doubt about it I would love to live there for the summer. I'm jealous of the girl that does live up there and sees him 24-7, they are really close and I don't know. I'm just selfish and don't want her to like him, or don't want her to have him. I know thats bad but you probably have ALL felt like that at one time or another. There is something so hot about him, I don't know what it is yet. I will never forget when the little girl said hi to him, he said hi back like star struck and he said she was so cute. Shes so calm, and he loves kids. It's not even a real big deal, I just thought that it was so adorable. I think that I am going back this weekend, and I know I've said that about eighty eight times since I last updated but its my journal. =) Lots of love to my playas and ho's, hahah They know

Your so vain, you probably think this song is about you [06 Jul 2003|08:43pm] [ mood | Sunburnt ] [ music | Keith Urban ~ Raining on Sunday ] Surrender is much sweeter, when we both let it go... Pray that its raining on Sunday Storming like crazy We'll hide under the covers all afternoon Baby whatever comes Monday Can take care of itself 'Cause we got better things that we can do When its raining on Sunday This actually might be a long entry, haven't been online in a few days.. I'm feeling the updating thing. Well, left Thursday around 530 or something, got there somewhere around 6. Set up everything, went and changed and went straight to the lodge. Good times, good times, best times I've had this summer. Didn't go to bed till about 230 that night, woke up around 830 because it was so hot. Showers, swimming, showers, swimming. Fireworks, "gather around the fire." Trying to give me a massage, hammocks, food, hanging out, glow necklaces, potato guns and ether. Saturday - a whole lotta nothing. Woke up, went swimming, and stayed in the water/tanning on the beach all day. Got burnt like a mothafucka, hung out with everyone, went on the boat to the tarzan swing without the duuddddde. Came back, went to eat but ended up taking a shower. Went to the country store got whistled at about a zillion and one times. Peanuts, diet coke, slim jims and winterfresh. Went back, sat at the picnic table for about 2 hours.. carved our names next to eachother and played with bottles. Met new people who thought we were snobs. Then they got to know us. Stupid. Watched the guys play x-box, they got so into it. I sat there for an hour while my legs fell asleep and I got smoshed. sp? Walking around, best friends moms drunk, sneaking out at 130 and going swimming, got whistled at and went over to there site. Hung out, left, changed, bed. THIS MORNING - woke up and laid there for about an hour waiting for her to wake up. Took down tent, brushed my teeth and threw on my bathing suit. Went down to the beach and laid out a blanket, that blanket's a magnet. Attracted all the men, took up our blanket for awhile, until I told them whats upppppppp. Tanned, felt my face burning, went swimming ~ in pee water? Hell ya. Got pulled out to the dock, laid there, "Looking at the scenery?" "I'm looking at your scenery." haaaaaaaaa. Out, lightning? No. Packed everything in the van while the guys wrote their names on the dirty windsheld. Brushed hair, and went to one of the guys campers. Air conditioner and cd mixs. So much for lunch, I hate peanut butter and jelly. Went back, went for a walk in the rain and went and sat down in the lodge, 2 seconds in the rain. Back in the camper, singing, lodge.. flys, him falling asleep on my lap. Home. =( //Funny how we feel so much But cannot say a word We are screaming inside Oh we can't be heard\\ Well, this weekend has ABSOLUTELY proven this to me. You *always* want the things you cannot have. It sucks big time, but sometimes its for the better. You never know just wants going to happen, acts one way with another, and one way with you. Feel like I can tell them everything, and still keep a smile on their face. You understand, then again you don't. Kind of like your older protective brother, but still think about it. You start to like something, but then pick out every S I N G L E itty bitty flaw and then you don't like that something anymore. You like something, then don't see it for a few days, then go back and start doing the picking. You like things for what they are, not what they look like. Attractive, but needs work. I wouldn't change that, such a style, such a cool thing. So many things in common, just the fact that forgetting alot of things could be a problem. People can see it on the outside, and you can feel it on the inside, yet you still don't know. You don't want to appear as something, and then come off the total opposite. Other women? Trustworthy? Hmmmmm! Things change, and people do too. Had the same feelings for something else, and now I hate that something else. Make them laugh and you are golden. Saying I love you is such a strong word. Though I didn't think about it before saying it, I do love you. I love the way you hang out with me, be yourself yet I don't think I love you in the way that everyone sees that I do. Love is too of a strong word for what we might have. So confusing, I just wish you talk to me like you did her. Jealosy is such a waste of emotion Yet I am stll so jealous. I'd love to know what you REALLY think of me. I don't even really think we have anything, you just got me stomach turning. And I am not really sure why. . . . . ^*^ We'll see how that turns out next weekend if we go back, the men call us. Moxie Parade on Saturday, yahoo? hmm... Saturday night? STILL questioning. I'll be updating more this week, can you tell? xxoo They know

[02 Jul 2003|01:06pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | Eminem : Invasion ] Everybodys looking for that something One thing that makes it all complete You'll find it in the strangest places Places you never knew it could be Some find it in the faces of their children Some find it in their lovers eyes Who can deny the joy it brings When you find that special thing Your flying without wings Yeah, downloaded kazaa again I don't know if I'm keeping it stupid computers fucked. woke up at 940, breakfast, chores, shower, online, shower lunch, and now I'm here. Derek broke his foot or a part of it the other day He has a doctors appointment today. Hope he feels better. Todays July 2nd, 18 more days till my birthday Who gives a fuck? I sure as hell don't. Leaving tomorrow for the weekend (Thurs-Sun) Camp, around 2 w/Brit Better be fun as hell, I'm in the mood for some fun in the sun Fire works, swimming, ahhhhhh. :) Nothings really going good for me right now, nothings really going bad. Been hanging around the house, major alone time, its been good. Been having dreams lately about the person I'm trying to forget about. But its not working :-/ I wish wish wish he would just make my day. Well, next time I update is prolly going to be sometime next week. 1 people know | They know

[30 Jun 2003|06:45pm] [ mood | bored ] its been awhile. thursday and friday was sucha nice day. shopping friday you know how I do. got me an ac pool at the best cookie maker's place both days. went to camp on saturday. DRAMA didn't go swimming, even tho i would have loved to. went home around 12am, even though the orginal plan was 9pm. auction today, new hampshire with pops. very good day. breakfast from bk on the way you got to be a pro to go there and listen to them. tried to beat the high score my dad put on snake on the cell won 500$ damn i bring good luck. gave up after about a zillion and one tries. gay guy and another with pink sunglasses mcdonalds for lunch and fake blue eyes. friday is the 4th of july camping. fireworks. more drama. burning. tents. tank tops. wishing. leaving thursday around two won't be home till sunday who knows what time. birthday on july 19, what what? just had dinner. parents are now home. i'm out, ill try and update before i leave. 1 people know | They know

A real entry [20 Jun 2003|10:59pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | Staind//Change ] I hadda good night, even though its probably not over yet! Ughh. Woke up around 1030, which I absolutely hate, my dad woke me up at 8:30, but I guess I didn't wanna get up?? Then the guy across the street turned the weed wacker on, oh say around 9.. and I feel back asleep after the ass turned it off. I ain't a peoples person, I give my next door neighbor the finger.~50cent Haha, i haven't even met my neighbors yet, they just moved in. Oh well, woke up, ate some breakfast, did some chores, took a shower, and hung out til my mom brought Wendys home. :) Then I went to Brittanys, we hung out and WALKED, thats right, WALKED around for like 3 hours. There is some CRAZY ass guys around town, they beeped at us, honked at us, drove slow by us, hey girlies! how gay is that? HI! my gosh! Hung out some more, walked around.. went to get a movie, Its a Guy Thing After we got it we thought that we had already seen it, and I remembered some parts in the movie, so weird. (drunk? haha) Good times tonight, good times. THEN i came back home, i know i know, i told you i had big plans for tonight, but that changed, long story. Tomorrow there is so many things going on... BUT, I'm going shopping with my mom! I'll update later. 1 people know | They know

[18 Jun 2003|10:42pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Back, back, forth and forth.. ] I don't round with many girls 'cause they talk to much" Thats like my motto. Went back to Brits around 430. The weather SUCKS ass. Did the childhood memories today, We went puddle jumping with some guys. Went out to dinner, then came home. What a boring day. I slept till 1230, thats what made my day bad. Oh well, no plans tomorrow. Home alone till 5, maybe I'll go shopping. Just maybe. Friday its suppost to rain. WHAT THE FUCK IS NEW!? I have plans on friday, good plans! :) Saturday, partly cloudy... What the hell. I'm gunna chill, then go to bed. G'night, sweet dreams They know

Oh I wish things woulda happened so differently [18 Jun 2003|03:32pm] [ mood | refreshed ] [ music | Frankie J??? -Don't wanna try ] Eating pizza rolls, hell yes. No one seems to know what those are. Last night, softball game got cancelled. Met 2 guys, they were tall and tan. My friend ruined it. Asshole. Went to the "court", sat ina small car. Watched basketball. Left, went to Diary Maid, Bananna and Strawberry smoothies. Rode around. Lalala, watched Real World at Brit's. Ace is hot. Slept at Brits, went to bed at 330 We were talking about what will happen someday. Woke up at 1230. I hate sleeping late. Lucky charms and diet coke. Home, shower, 3:38. Going back to Brits and going to the 'court' again. Home tonight, for sure. They know

If you ain't there, no one else to impresss [17 Jun 2003|10:06am] [ mood | good ] [ music | Joe Budden-Pump it up ] And so it begins. Woke up around 930. Dentist appointment at 215. And work after that. Whatta day to look forward to. Last night I had McDonalds. No sweet and sour sauce, The other day; "Why do you save it? No one uses it." I found some in the fridge. Got plans for Friday.. Get ready mmmaannnn Gotta get ready For a fun filled day. Bullshit. They know

I wish I could beat box [16 Jun 2003|01:01pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Pharrell - Frontin' ] Well this blurty looks like SHIT. Right now anyways. I just asked someone to do my layout, hopefully they can get it done. Todays gonna be boring, but I love it that way. Woke up at 9, took a shower at 11. whooptie freaken doo. Todays gonna be a lazy day, why can't all days be like this? Somebody wanted me to do this; Am "I" most likey to... -Fall in love: most definitely -Become a Wall Street stock exchanger: nah -Become a doctor: blood? nah -Become a stripper: haha nope, sorry boys -Be seen in "Girls Gone Wild": why not -Become a singer: nope -Become a dancer: ha nope -Make billions of dollars by selling overpriced water to people in the desert: hahaha -Become a druggie: no -Become an alcoholic: well, here and there -Be seen on America's Most Wanted: nope -Get married: yes -Have a perfect husband, a minivan, 3 kids, and a big house: a minivan? i want a benz, otherwise yes -Have 5 kids by different fathers: absolutely not -Marry a millionare: i hope so -Divorce more than once: no divorce what so ever -Fail high school: nope -Become a comedian: haha I already am -Be a good mother: oh yes, I love kids -Move to California: love to -Move to New York: nah, too much going on -Move to a southern state: most definitely -Wear only black: nah -Be forever labelled as a "dumb blonde": haha, you know it -Succeed in life: hopefully, but yes I think so Only a few questions. Now thats my kinda survey. 1 people know | They know

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