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State Of Grace

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Just an entry I doubt anyone will read. [09 Feb 2004|09:39pm]
[ mood | drunk ]
[ music | I need you more than I ever have...=[ ]

As promised I told ya'll I'd type this thing out and that's what I'm doing now plus there is other sutff I was supposed to type but never did. But before I get that far, I just want to let some stuff out. Well, this week has been really bad for my. My grandmother passed away Thursday night, it was all so unexpected. She had Congestive Heart Failure and nothing could be done for her. And she finally died on Thursday. It was really hard for me because the last six months I've lost the three people in my life that actually gave me meaning. My mother, my best friend, and now my grandmother. God, it all just sucks. This weekend was really bad for me also. I had to get away, so I drove up to Tim's summer house up in Sherkston and I just sat there even though it was freezing and I thought about all these memories we had. I clearly remember the first time I went up there, He had his guitar and I had a song stuck in my head, So we went out onto the deck and we just stayed messing around and he played his guitar and I attempted to sing Standard Lines, by the end of the song we had 24 people watching us and it really made us feel cool. I'll never forget that night. I'll never forget anything. I miss my grandma a lot, it's so weird without her not around now, making me eat or talking to me and just being happy and smiling. It really sucks. I'm fed up of feeling like this. On Friday I did something seriously stupid that I never expected to do but it just happened. I don't know, I just wish I had someone here with me right now, but then again there's a lot of other people who need somebody more than I do, so therefore I'm going to stop my bitching and type even though no one is going to read this.


In loving memory of Timothy Michael Woodcipp
Born June 3, 1984
Died January 2, 2004
St. Mary of Sorrow Church
January 6, 2004 at 9:30 AM
Interment in
Mr. Calvary Cemetery
Section M lot 126

Prayer: The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. In verdant pastures he gives me repose. Beside restful waters he leads me, He refreshes my soul. He guides me in right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk in the dark valley I fear no evil, for you are at my side. With your rod and your staff that give me courage.
You spread the table before me in the sight of my foes, you anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Only goodness and kindness follow me all the days of my life. And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord for years to come.
______________




Rob,
Hey man. I dunno why I'm writing this to you when I could be telling you, but I think writing is best for me right now... So I'm sittin here in this hospital, in this cold ass bed just waiting to go home. And when I get back to my house I'm gunna finish this letter because there's a lot I want to write. There's too much shit dude. I've been thinking a lot. The last two days dude, I don't know what the fuck has happened. Everything's falling apart again. Dude what the fuck is wrong with me? How could I be so fucking stupid and not think BEFORE I got myself into all this fucking shit. I fucked up everything for everyone. I fucking destroyed everything. I just wanna go back to when I was 13 I just want to relive my life. I don't know what the hell has gotten into me dude. I just don't even know I've hurt so many fucking people it's disgusting... I fucking...I need to stop it all dude. I need to end it. I hurt people. I need to fucking hurt now. I guess I'm writing this to you dude because you...I know you will listen to me and I know you. You will just..yeah...
A new day man.. I've been thinking about what I wrote you the other day. Dude there's stuff I need really tell you. I can't be here anymore with this fucking shit in my head. I'm going fucking crazy. I want you to know you are my best friend your like my brother. We have been through hell the last year and a half and you know what I mean dude. Everything went downhill for us. Everything has been so damn crazy for me and it's mostly been hell for you. I mean... everything with La'shea, to your dad.. then looking for your biological parents, losing you mom.. everything with me. I wish I could of been there for you more dude I really wish I could change everything. I just want a normal fucking life. I want to thank you rob for everything you've done for me, supporting me and helping me. You're a strong person rob and I'm blessed to know someone like you. I need you to tell everyone I love them and I’m sorry for the shit I’ve caused, they wont have to suffer anymore. God dude, I've fucked up so bad. What can I say? I'm the best at ruining my life. I hope you get the chance to send, read, type this to everyone for me. I want you to send it to someone and have them send it to the rest of my buddies.. Just make sure angie knows I love her and she's always gunna be my little sister and I won't forget her. And Jaimee, tell her she can have my car now, because I told her when I died she could have it. Make sure she doesn't forget what I told her on the phone. Oh god.. Tell Shannon she's my fucking good luck charm man, she and you have helped me more than anyone. She has always been there to help, she would stay up all hours of the night with me, tell her to watch out for the frozen nuts and to be good in Canada and I hope she stays with you forever dude. Tell Amanda that I'm happy she was a part of my life and I'm glad we were together, tell her she'll always be in my heart and to make sure she thinks about me when she eats muffins. Tell the other Amanda(bad) she's my fucking girl. that girl has straightened me out more than any other person ever has before. Tell her I love her. Make sure someone tells Sheena that I hope she stays happy and I'm thankful for the time we had as friends. God my fucking hand is killing me. Tell Cassie I wont forget her and to be good for me, Tell John & Chris they're gunna make it big one day, tell them I love them and they are my brothers. Tell Janet she's awesome and she's going to be known someday for her writing. Tell everyone else I'm sorry I didn't mention them but my hand is really bothering me, tell them all I love them and I will watch them everyday. Uh. Tell Gabby that I um...that the love I had for her was true, and I'm sorry...tell her I hope she ends up..wow I can't even say it because I don't even want to think about her with someone else but that's life ,right?..Anyways, There’s a poem on the next page, give that to her too. There's a bunch of shit on the next few pages.. Tell my family. And my little sister I love them, and Rob I love you man. I just fucking love you. You are my brother and I'm sorry for everything I've caused you dude. I really am. And everyone else. Don't ever give up , keep going man because I'm up there ^ watching you. I’m really sorry rob, that I'm doing this, I don't know man I feel it's right for me. The last week has just been hell dude I felt so alone, so empty. It seemed like being filled with blackness and evil was better than being filled with nothing at all. Life it’s... it’s just so painful that it can't be worse if I had been covered with boils from my head to my feet. No one who hasn’t been there could possibly understand how awful this is. I've felt like that for about a month now, and this last week it's just been eating at me. All I can feel and all I can breathe are the words "just dying to die". Just remember dude, people don't die from suicide. They die from sadness. Anyway, I hope your drumming makes you big someday, you're the best damn drummer I've ever met. Good luck with Shannon man you guys are meant to be together, I made something for you dude. In the box of stuff that ..wow that's really fucking weird, here I am explaining to you what's in the box of stuff I want you to have when I'm dead..wow, anyways. In the box there's a videotape, I called this company and they make videos and stuff for people so I sent in pictures of you and I, and they sent me this tape back. It's in the box dude, there’s music, our songs are on the tape. Dude just watch it. Like our says man, I hope you had the time of your life, because I did. I love you. And I'm watching over you everyday you wake. Well this is it man, It's over now. Stay strong, I'll see you up there. I'll be waiting for you bro.


The Beauty of the Blood Stained Floor

The last time that I felt so lonely
I looked down the mainline, again
Nothing is wrong with the lines, we've drawn
the progress is endless, I'll continue to go on
Set myself a new boundary, write it in a list
I swear that I never wanted this to be it
Lay down your arms, press your clothes
let me go down, I'll leave you alone
This is another meaningless complication
grasping at strings, trying to save this hopeless situation
falling to the floor, losing my head
crying because all the poems you wrote, I have read
Your hands are the most clouded lines
your voice defeats me, every single time
your face, I'll remember, I swear I will
your kiss, your taste, is the most bitter pill
Please let me know, the vision you had
it isn't that difficult or even that bad
I never knew what it was like to not have sin
and this is what its like to feel awkward in your own skin
Tell me your stories, I need to hear it from your tongue
and every single word steals a little more air from my lungs
I'll take a walk down to the beach at a quarter to three
I'll reminisce about your words and the way they destroyed me
Give me a smile and take away all the pain
I laugh a bit, remembering how we got caught in the rain
forgive the clouds, the air, the sunlight
just forget and bask in the glow of the moon tonight
I never told you I couldn't be hurt
because I knew that these pages would be burned
Paint yourself out of this picture again
and you see my lips question...Is this the end?
As the wind blows
and the nights feel so cold
Take up the cause of finding a new lover
when that should have been a love like no other
I promise I will wait forever for you
though I'm standing alone, torn in two
I'm breathing out this bad air
I curse myself, and you return a blank stare
We try oh so hard not to be stranded here
Just losing time , knowing that we're both sincere
leaving this place to the ages
taking this out, writing these pages
won't you please save me a place in heaven?
because I don't know how to forget forever
I will finally stop and submit
to make sure these plans fit
Like the moonrise, after sunset
I will be true, I won't forget
leave me a note with forgiveness
I don't know if you're my cure, or my sickness
recognizing the sound of grinding glass
I will lose the world, thinking of the past
feeling like I always was so wrong
If I just take this step I will get along
I will find myself another home far away
when all I want to do is beg you to stay
but its been too long since you left me
I don't know, maybe I should feel free
I know that I will go on forever, and a day
and I won't hurt because that isn't the way
that I want to feel right now
feeling, too bad I don't know how
All dressed up, with nowhere to go
and the clock, ticks so very slow
take me to, where love is
take me to, where light exists
this can go down as a tragedy or it might be a new relationship for you and me
I'll never let you get away again
even if we must stay only friends
One more time, I will remember the rest
and I know, our love was the best
seems like heartbreak is a trend
but your name, forever, I will defend
As I collapse to the earth so, cold
I feel weary like I'm a million years old
Don't hold back what your feeling instead
I need to know if our love is dead

The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you.



That's all I have for tonight.


_roB

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