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State Of Grace

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[26 Feb 2004|05:17pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | tbs- you know how I do ]

Hmm. I made a new journal my username is lastdaysembrace, so if you feel the need to add me go right ahead.

Fall like parachutes

tim.. this one's for you.. [25 Feb 2004|09:06pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | nothing ]

For hours I tried to out run the sun, tried to speak with a mouthful of blood. But still I'm choking on your tears, still I'm choking on your tears. Words slowly fall off my tongue, maybe I never tried, hard enough, all these times. The air seems so damn still today when emptiness is all we have to fill the vacancies. You lied when you said it would all be okay. You lied when you said tomorrow is merely another day away. When the sun never rises wherever you are, you begin to lose track of the stars.

Fall like parachutes

WATCH OUT GUYS, HERE COMES ROB =D [23 Feb 2004|10:46pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | me laughing =D ]

these acid stars (10:40:17 PM): I'm so gay.
XBigFxckingStarX (10:41:57 PM): aww my gay papi ;]
these acid stars (10:42:21 PM): I just can't take it anymore amanda ... those guys
these acid stars (10:42:26 PM): They are just.. too hot.
these acid stars (10:42:48 PM): I just want to bang them all up their backsides.
XBigFxckingStarX (10:43:28 PM):
XBigFxckingStarX (10:44:48 PM): backsides
XBigFxckingStarX (10:44:49 PM): lmfao
XBigFxckingStarX (10:44:52 PM): your so funny
XBigFxckingStarX (10:44:53 PM): lmao
these acid stars (10:45:14 PM): Oh I know it.
XBigFxckingStarX (10:47:03 PM): not ass
XBigFxckingStarX (10:47:04 PM): no no no
XBigFxckingStarX (10:47:06 PM): backside
XBigFxckingStarX (10:47:08 PM): lmao
these acid stars (10:47:34 PM): You like it. Don't lie.
XBigFxckingStarX (10:47:45 PM): i think its funny
these acid stars (10:47:53 PM): How come?
XBigFxckingStarX (10:49:19 PM): backside
XBigFxckingStarX (10:49:21 PM): lmfao
these acid stars (10:49:29 PM): FINE!
these acid stars (10:49:35 PM): I JUST WANT TO
these acid stars (10:49:39 PM): bum fuck them!
these acid stars (10:49:49 PM): But fuck is such a digusting word =[
these acid stars (10:49:53 PM): I hate that word.
XBigFxckingStarX (10:50:16 PM): lmfao
these acid stars (10:50:18 PM): We'll have sex the manly way.
XBigFxckingStarX (10:50:47 PM): how about
XBigFxckingStarX (10:50:53 PM): fuck them in there poop shoots ;x
these acid stars (10:51:01 PM): DAMNIT
these acid stars (10:51:06 PM): no f words =[
XBigFxckingStarX (10:51:13 PM): no f words?
these acid stars (10:51:21 PM): no f words.
XBigFxckingStarX (10:51:25 PM): hmm
XBigFxckingStarX (10:51:48 PM): have sexual relations in the area that usually only permits exit
XBigFxckingStarX (10:51:52 PM): not inserts
these acid stars (10:52:14 PM): HELL YEAH!
these acid stars (10:52:29 PM): That right there makes me want to be gay just so I can say that
XBigFxckingStarX (10:52:46 PM): lmfao
these acid stars (10:53:26 PM): =D
these acid stars (10:55:57 PM): I wonder what it's like being gay.



Ha. not really.

1 Fall like parachutes

Haaa. [23 Feb 2004|12:23pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]
[ music | Love song_ 311 ]

Okay so it's like 12:25 right now. I didn't go to school today because last night I got sick because my sisters disgusting conditioner shit made me sick to my stomach & I was up all night throwing up, it sucked. I don't know why it made me sick, I didn't even use it but I could smell it while my sister was in the shower, some strawberries & cream stuff. God, it was bad. I just watched this movie, called Thirteen. It was a really good movie. It was about this girl & how she changed and stuff. She got into drugs & drinking and she cut herself. It was really intense I liked it. I think ya'll should see it. Melissa made me watch this movie called Clockwork Orange, it was totally fucked up. It was about this gang and they killed people & raped woman and shit, I don't even wanna talk about it. It was gross. I liked the book better. Ha I made $725 this week =D. That's awesome, I gotta get a new cell phone my other one is really.. stupid. Yesterday I spent the day with some kids from a shelter & I played basketball with a lot ofthem and we all ate dinner & they got gifts and everything. I took home this baby bottle and I'm supposed to fill it with money and such for the Help Harvest House here. It's a place where mothers go when they can't pay for their baby's needs. It's called Bottles For Babies. It's really cool, it's a great feeling knowing that you ca help change and help someone's life. I had a great day yesterday with all the kids and I can't wait to go back to see them. Last night this damn girl would not leave me the hell alone god I was so pissed off so I left =D . Ah! I want runts. I'm going to the store right now, I'll be back! I love the pink runts, the hearts. They're great. It's actually nice out today, it was freezing and snowing yesterday & Saturday, and now it's like it was on Friday, warm and sunny. Well, my aunt gets to finally adopt the kids she's had living there for foster care today she's really excited. They're great kids but it really bothers me when I'm around them because I think about all the bad things they have been through. Like this girl, her name is Gabby & she's seven and she's been raped three times, thrown out of her house and she lived on the streets and almost died. Then her brother who is 11 got beat and locked in a closet everyday & he is suicidal..he's only 11. And then there's Courtney whose a year and 8 months. Her parents left her at a park. I mean, seriously that is just messed up. But I'm glad they're going to be a part of the family now, hopefully they know they are loved here. Anyway, I have to go jogging in a little while even though I'm sick =[ and I have to work out, damned lacrosse. Okay! so the earth day show is coming up at school. Every year on earth day our school has this huge show they do, of just bands & singers from our school and such. We get locked in the entire school day and we don't do anything, We're all supposed to be in the old gym (we have five gyms) and watch the bands to see who wins but they have other stuff going on throughout the building. It's a lot of fun and everyone gets into it and all the money goes to helping nature & all that stuff. My friend Dave, his band asked me to play drums for them so I'm going to do that. Melissa's band (great chick band by the way) are playing too so that's exciting. All of my friends are in bands, I swear. It's nuts. Anyway I'm just typing about nothing important but I'm bored & I have nothing to do so I guess I'll just..stop now =D. Bye everybody.

Fall like parachutes

Ahaha. Boredness. [21 Feb 2004|10:59pm]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | lets pretend to fall in love tonight.. ]

1)Using band names, spell out your first name:
Rancid
Onelinedrawing
Bayside
Evergreen terrace
Refused
Trustco

2) Have you ever had a song written about you?
Not that I'm aware of.

3) What song makes you cry?
There's a couple.

4) What song makes you happy?
Pictures of you - The Cure
5) What do you like to listen to before bed?
Calm, quiet music like the orchestra music off the lord of the rings soundtrack =D

6) Name a song by Coal Chamber:
I don't like Coal Chamber.

7) Who was/were your idol/s when you were younger?
Hmm, not sure.

8) First album you ever bought?
I don't remember.

9) Name a song that reminds you of someone and why:
Miss America, because it's fitting I guess? =\

a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: I'm like six feet tall =D
HAIR COLOR: Brownish blonde.
EYE COLOR: Green
PIERCINGS: I used to have my eyebrow pierced but I took it out, I have my tongue pierced. I'm gunna get my belly button pierced =x
TATTOOS: Ha. I just got my first one a few days ago of a star on my stomach.

r i g h t n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: Gray & dark red pajama pants
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Miss America
TV SHOW: None.
CONDITIONER: I don't remember the name.
BOOK: A lesson before dying.
MAGAZINE: Revolver.
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Water
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: I don't drink.
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: ..Waste my time.

h a v e y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: Yes.
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: Yep.
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: Lmfao, no.
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: Yes
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: Yep.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: No.
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: Yes!
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: Yes.

l o v e
GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND: Girlfriend. I'm not gay, sorry guys.
CURRENT CRUSH: I don't think she counts for a crush?
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: Ah. Everything I did with my ex.

r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: Yes. I work at best buy fixing computers. $10.25 an hour. =D
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Jets to Brazil.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: Red.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: I'm thinking Cherry Bing.

w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: I don't cry often, but I just happened to the other day.
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: Today.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: Yesterday.
THING YOU PURCHASED: A Raspberry Craze smoothie from Andersons, My favorite.

y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
ABORTION: Prevent abortion, Go lesbian. =D
SPICE GIRLS: Pot heads.
DREAMS: I've got some weird ones.

Fall like parachutes

Just lyrics to the song they played at tim's funeral. [20 Feb 2004|09:59pm]
[ mood | geeky ]
[ music | Mest_ return to self- loathing ]

Bruise Springsteen- STREETS OF PHILADELPHIA

I was bruised and battered and I couldn't tell
what I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself
Saw my reflection in a window I didn't know
my own face
Oh brother are you gonna leave me
wasting away
On the streets of Philadelphia

I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
At night I could hear the blood in my veins
Just as black and whispering as the rain
On the streets of Philadelphia

Ain't no angel gonna greet me
It's just you and I my friend
And my clothes don't fit me no more
I walked a thousand miles
just to slip this skin

The night has fallen, I'm lying awake
I can feel myself fading away
So receive me brother with your faithless kiss
or will we leave each other alone like this
On the streets of Philadelphia

Fall like parachutes

lmao.. Thank you melissa for this wonderful website [19 Feb 2004|09:37pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | here_ s.o.b <- my old band. ]

http://www.geocities.com/howtodressemo/



Check that out guys, it's hilarious.

2 Fall like parachutes

[17 Feb 2004|10:59pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | ender_finch ]

Hm, since I'm bored & have nothing better to do I figured I would tell you all about my wonderful day. Okay, so I got up around 5:30 this morning & I took a shower. After I got ready I let my dog outside and ate an apple, let my dog in and left for school around 6:45. I had to be in school early because there was a senior class meeting on the library and because I'm senior class vice president for student council I had to be there. I sat with the rest of student council and talked with my friend Sam about her boyfriend & her ring she got from him. At seven the meeting started and I had to discuss the problems we've been facing & prom and also our senior class trip. After the meeting I walked up to my locker on the second floor and I found my friends waiting for me there at my locker. One of my best friends, Steph was there. She has been gone from school for about two months because she broke her back, I was really glad to see her She jumped on me and gave me a huge hug. We've known eachother since my mother & her father dated. After the five minute bell rang I walked upstairs with Jay to economics where I just sat and not paid attention to anything he had to say. Then the bell rang and I took my time to walk down to the science wing & go to AP biology. It turned out I had a quiz but I didn't really care because I knew mostly everything on it. My teacher started talking about death & suicide and ways to help people, so I shook my head & put my head on the desk until my teacher walked over & said "Robert I suggest you pay attention to what I am saying" My teacher was related to Tim - and he blames me, amongst many other countless people. So I sat and pretended to listen. I left really quickly when the bell rang and went straight to band where I was forced to play mallet crap, which SUCKED beyond belief. Then Mr. Sharlin stopped to bitch at all of us for skipping. So I sat and thought: I have to deal with this seven period too (symphonic winds). Before I knew it the bell rang so I walked up to my locker dropped off my books and grabbed my notebook so I could draw or write for the next three periods. Luckily I remembered today was a day six so I had only two studyhalls. While I was walking to studyhall some girl stopped me in the hall and said "you look good" and she laughed & walked away. I laughed an d shook my head and walked away to studyhall. I sat and thought for a while until my hand forced me to draw something when the bell rang. I went to my next studyhall where I chose to go to the library and met up there with Melissa & talked to her about her boyfriend & how he treats her horribly and how she thinks she needs to end it. Then she looked at my schedule and saw I didn't have that many classes so I explained to her I took most of my classes in 11th grade so I wouldn't have to in my senior year. She laughed and said she was confused & I just laughed at her. Then she noticed a drawing I did of Shannon and she asked who it was so I told her. She smiled & told me she was pretty & I did good. Then the bell rang and I walked to lunch and sat with Jay, his girlfriend, Ian, Jake, Steph, Chris, Johnny & paulie. We got yelled at for throwing food but we didn't care. Then we al introduced ourselves to the new girl we had. She told us she got kicked out of her old school because she cuts herself & you could see a lot of her cuts. I frowned & thought of Tim, and then Gabby. Then jay told me to cheer up and I tried to forget about it. After lunch was the much dreaded - symphonic winds. I walked down to the music suite behind two girls that smelt of way too much perfume. I met up with steph & Mr. Sharlin asked us to file music so we jumped at the offer so we wouldn't have to listen to him. We talked about her boyfriend & she told me she loved him & I told her I was really happy for her. She gave me a huge hug & told me I had to play at her wedding because she wants me to play some drum song (lol) After the bell rang I walked to English to find we had a sub and I was glad because one more day with the crazy lesbian - I would have died. A bunch of immature guys were making fun of the teacher so at the end of the class I apologized for their stupidity. Ninth period came and I was glad until I realized after that I had to to go the doctors. I got a little upset but quickly let it go. I walked into photography late & everybody looked at me so I walked to my ex girlfriend Kristen's table & sat with her, Jay & some other people. They all laughed at what I was wearing they said I looked like a gay model! I have a pear of jeans on but they are kind of tight on me & I have a tight long sleeve hunter green & navy blue stripped sweater on & a white undershirt sticking out at the bottom. I laughed at them & my teacher called me out in the hall. So I walked out there & she asked me if I was okay & such because she said I haven't been myself which is 100% true, but I told her I was fine. After ninth period I helped Melissa pass out flyers to her bands concert & she bought me gummy bears because they are the greatest damn thing made. Then I came home around three & let my dog out again then when she came in I left again to go to the doctors. Skipping that part. Afterwards I thought and called Tim's aunt & asked her for directions to Tim's gravesite because I wasn't sure how to get there because I want to go tomorrow. Well, when I got some I got online and I went downstairs to get water & I came back and almost died when I saw who was on. It was Shannon of course and I immediately had a smile on my face. Well, after I got offline I went to my friends basketball game. It was nice. Then I came home and I guess this is where I'm at and now I'm going to go because I'm tired. Goodnight everybody.

3 Fall like parachutes

this takes mad skill yo =D [17 Feb 2004|07:58pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | I begged you not to go.. i begged you i pleaded... ]

these acid stars: Sorry kid.
XBigFxckingStarX: its all good in the hood papi
these acid stars: It better be, yo.
XBigFxckingStarX: lmao
these acid stars: I'd have to trip.
XBigFxckingStarX: dont make me pull out my glock 40 and pop a water cap in your ass
XBigFxckingStarX: dont be breathin my urrr
these acid stars: these bitches be breathin my urrr yo =D
XBigFxckingStarX: -dies laughing0
these acid stars: Don't hate
XBigFxckingStarX: psh i ain hatin G
these acid stars: Why you be trippin, b?
XBigFxckingStarX: i aint trippin, im drinkin the apple juice in the hood -pours some on the ground- this is for all my dead homies
these acid stars: lmfao!
these acid stars: Holy crap
these acid stars: I'm gunna choke
these acid stars: word.
XBigFxckingStarX: lmfao
XBigFxckingStarX: -jumps on the dusty bed-
these acid stars: Well that was a given.
XBigFxckingStarX: DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANNNGSTA
these acid stars: word.
XBigFxckingStarX: to my homies
XBigFxckingStarX: on the WESTSIDE -does the westside sign-
these acid stars: my brotha's fo sho :D
XBigFxckingStarX: wordddddd
these acid stars: yeah..!

1 Fall like parachutes

[16 Feb 2004|01:00am]
[ mood | sympathetic ]
[ music | The runaway ]

Hmm, so it's around 12:00 right now. I'm dangerously bored/irritated to the point I'd like to do something regrettable. But I can't do it. That would just make the entire situation a lot worse. My weekend has been .. hmm, I'm not really sure. I guess pretty bad you could say. Friday was alright, I went to school & a bunch of my friend got me candy & made me cards and stuff. It was nice. I went to work after school on friday, it was pretty boring but busy. When I got home I came online, and then I left & ate. And I came back online and stayed on until like, three in the morning. Then got off. Valentines day sucked pretty bad. I've never liked Valentines day, so I took my cousin & a couple of friends to the movies yesterday & I just chilled at home, and thought about everything I possibly could & I messed around on my drums for awhile. Hmm, I didn't go to sleep until 4:30 in the morning, I was online talking to people & playing my drums, and taking two hour long showers ( amanda =x) Then I finally had enough and I just gave up. Went to sleep. Then I woke up around 6:30 and realized my heater broke, So I called some guy and he came over & fixed it for me. Then I went to work, and I came home & there was a message from my doctor telling me he wants me to go see a specialist for some stupid stuff because of what I did last week. Now I'm just sitting here not talking to anybody anymore because my daughters left me. =[. Now I'm really alone. But that's perfectly okay. I'm not going to stay up late tonight, because I don't even feel like waiting tonight. I'm not even in the mood for anything. I'm really confused about stuff I've been thinking about, I'm just fed up with stuff. Now is when I regret not telling Amanda what was wrong when she offered to listen to me. Ahh. We blame our childhood for our problems. Fun, huh? Hmmm well this is exhilarating. FUCK. =[ . I hate this shit. Grrrrrr I'm complaining again. Now is the time I leave.

So whats another day, when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you ...
9 Fall like parachutes

[14 Feb 2004|12:10am]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | inside out ]

Across the floor in the hand of where we drove the drill a cautious ear to the mouth of your confession think of all the things we put him through in the face of his god would he tell the truth? still recorded were the words that dribbled out his kis when eyes go blind in this man of what could once become sever the limbs off his torso in sleep and burn what remains so the world may now see no longer...will we wait for your answers back to the hell where you've come from think of all the times you've once had write them in a letter that says goodbye you'll listen to reason while you're face down in the dirt you'll stomach the hurt and break for him here just how much he's worth slowly discarded were the remains of his lonely youth among the alley where the dwellers scare to notice picture a young boy in pieces and streets with leveled malfunctions no name to be called redeemer We'll fix him restore him...with the love is no other think of all the things you did before write them in a letter that says reborn following you across the interstate walking away...I'll fire on. On the wrong way out on the causeway to neverwhere dear my friends in the time we've spent forever after beyond this when will our nightmare ever end? pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...forever you will learn.

3 Fall like parachutes

an older conversation I had with tim, it made me laugh. [11 Feb 2004|10:52pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | blood red summer ]

giveuptheghost: robbie!
endercansaveu: Person I don't know?
giveuptheghost: ass i told you i was gunna im you on chris's sn cuz im at his house
endercansaveu: Oh yeah, thats right.
giveuptheghost: you havent been on this sn in like 4350340304 days !#@%
endercansaveu: Yeah, I know. What's up?
giveuptheghost: nothin just being bored chris is making out with heather downstairs so..rofl ;/
endercansaveu: lol, well that's always great.
giveuptheghost: oh yesss it turns me on hardcore bitch?
endercansaveu: It turns me on too .
giveuptheghost: lets fuck like wild animals?!
endercansaveu: lmao. Up the ass is great.
endercansaveu: Dude you know what we need to make a movie again!
giveuptheghost: rofl I KNEW YOU WERE GAY ALL ALONG#%($%$%($%^#$3459 .... omgggg yes we do.. rofl we can go all SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE 2003 WITH STRIPPERS and rappers!
endercansaveu: That's what I'm talking about!
giveuptheghost: ew no we shouldn't ;[
endercansaveu: lol, right?
giveuptheghost: rob i love you man you are my hero
endercansaveu: really? you're my hero too.
giveuptheghost: when i'm 85 and youre 84 we gotta chase little kids around and be all BITCHES$#%)
endercansaveu: That will be fun.
giveuptheghost: i'm gunna look forward to that one ;D
endercansaveu: Me too.


Hmmm, I also wanted to thank everyone who commented my last entry I haven't had time to comment you guys back but I will as soon as I can. Thank you all for reading

Fall like parachutes

Just an entry I doubt anyone will read. [09 Feb 2004|09:39pm]
[ mood | drunk ]
[ music | I need you more than I ever have...=[ ]

As promised I told ya'll I'd type this thing out and that's what I'm doing now plus there is other sutff I was supposed to type but never did. But before I get that far, I just want to let some stuff out. Well, this week has been really bad for my. My grandmother passed away Thursday night, it was all so unexpected. She had Congestive Heart Failure and nothing could be done for her. And she finally died on Thursday. It was really hard for me because the last six months I've lost the three people in my life that actually gave me meaning. My mother, my best friend, and now my grandmother. God, it all just sucks. This weekend was really bad for me also. I had to get away, so I drove up to Tim's summer house up in Sherkston and I just sat there even though it was freezing and I thought about all these memories we had. I clearly remember the first time I went up there, He had his guitar and I had a song stuck in my head, So we went out onto the deck and we just stayed messing around and he played his guitar and I attempted to sing Standard Lines, by the end of the song we had 24 people watching us and it really made us feel cool. I'll never forget that night. I'll never forget anything. I miss my grandma a lot, it's so weird without her not around now, making me eat or talking to me and just being happy and smiling. It really sucks. I'm fed up of feeling like this. On Friday I did something seriously stupid that I never expected to do but it just happened. I don't know, I just wish I had someone here with me right now, but then again there's a lot of other people who need somebody more than I do, so therefore I'm going to stop my bitching and type even though no one is going to read this.


In loving memory of Timothy Michael Woodcipp
Born June 3, 1984
Died January 2, 2004
St. Mary of Sorrow Church
January 6, 2004 at 9:30 AM
Interment in
Mr. Calvary Cemetery
Section M lot 126

Prayer: The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. In verdant pastures he gives me repose. Beside restful waters he leads me, He refreshes my soul. He guides me in right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk in the dark valley I fear no evil, for you are at my side. With your rod and your staff that give me courage.
You spread the table before me in the sight of my foes, you anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Only goodness and kindness follow me all the days of my life. And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord for years to come.
______________




Rob,
Hey man. I dunno why I'm writing this to you when I could be telling you, but I think writing is best for me right now... So I'm sittin here in this hospital, in this cold ass bed just waiting to go home. And when I get back to my house I'm gunna finish this letter because there's a lot I want to write. There's too much shit dude. I've been thinking a lot. The last two days dude, I don't know what the fuck has happened. Everything's falling apart again. Dude what the fuck is wrong with me? How could I be so fucking stupid and not think BEFORE I got myself into all this fucking shit. I fucked up everything for everyone. I fucking destroyed everything. I just wanna go back to when I was 13 I just want to relive my life. I don't know what the hell has gotten into me dude. I just don't even know I've hurt so many fucking people it's disgusting... I fucking...I need to stop it all dude. I need to end it. I hurt people. I need to fucking hurt now. I guess I'm writing this to you dude because you...I know you will listen to me and I know you. You will just..yeah...
A new day man.. I've been thinking about what I wrote you the other day. Dude there's stuff I need really tell you. I can't be here anymore with this fucking shit in my head. I'm going fucking crazy. I want you to know you are my best friend your like my brother. We have been through hell the last year and a half and you know what I mean dude. Everything went downhill for us. Everything has been so damn crazy for me and it's mostly been hell for you. I mean... everything with La'shea, to your dad.. then looking for your biological parents, losing you mom.. everything with me. I wish I could of been there for you more dude I really wish I could change everything. I just want a normal fucking life. I want to thank you rob for everything you've done for me, supporting me and helping me. You're a strong person rob and I'm blessed to know someone like you. I need you to tell everyone I love them and I’m sorry for the shit I’ve caused, they wont have to suffer anymore. God dude, I've fucked up so bad. What can I say? I'm the best at ruining my life. I hope you get the chance to send, read, type this to everyone for me. I want you to send it to someone and have them send it to the rest of my buddies.. Just make sure angie knows I love her and she's always gunna be my little sister and I won't forget her. And Jaimee, tell her she can have my car now, because I told her when I died she could have it. Make sure she doesn't forget what I told her on the phone. Oh god.. Tell Shannon she's my fucking good luck charm man, she and you have helped me more than anyone. She has always been there to help, she would stay up all hours of the night with me, tell her to watch out for the frozen nuts and to be good in Canada and I hope she stays with you forever dude. Tell Amanda that I'm happy she was a part of my life and I'm glad we were together, tell her she'll always be in my heart and to make sure she thinks about me when she eats muffins. Tell the other Amanda(bad) she's my fucking girl. that girl has straightened me out more than any other person ever has before. Tell her I love her. Make sure someone tells Sheena that I hope she stays happy and I'm thankful for the time we had as friends. God my fucking hand is killing me. Tell Cassie I wont forget her and to be good for me, Tell John & Chris they're gunna make it big one day, tell them I love them and they are my brothers. Tell Janet she's awesome and she's going to be known someday for her writing. Tell everyone else I'm sorry I didn't mention them but my hand is really bothering me, tell them all I love them and I will watch them everyday. Uh. Tell Gabby that I um...that the love I had for her was true, and I'm sorry...tell her I hope she ends up..wow I can't even say it because I don't even want to think about her with someone else but that's life ,right?..Anyways, There’s a poem on the next page, give that to her too. There's a bunch of shit on the next few pages.. Tell my family. And my little sister I love them, and Rob I love you man. I just fucking love you. You are my brother and I'm sorry for everything I've caused you dude. I really am. And everyone else. Don't ever give up , keep going man because I'm up there ^ watching you. I’m really sorry rob, that I'm doing this, I don't know man I feel it's right for me. The last week has just been hell dude I felt so alone, so empty. It seemed like being filled with blackness and evil was better than being filled with nothing at all. Life it’s... it’s just so painful that it can't be worse if I had been covered with boils from my head to my feet. No one who hasn’t been there could possibly understand how awful this is. I've felt like that for about a month now, and this last week it's just been eating at me. All I can feel and all I can breathe are the words "just dying to die". Just remember dude, people don't die from suicide. They die from sadness. Anyway, I hope your drumming makes you big someday, you're the best damn drummer I've ever met. Good luck with Shannon man you guys are meant to be together, I made something for you dude. In the box of stuff that ..wow that's really fucking weird, here I am explaining to you what's in the box of stuff I want you to have when I'm dead..wow, anyways. In the box there's a videotape, I called this company and they make videos and stuff for people so I sent in pictures of you and I, and they sent me this tape back. It's in the box dude, there’s music, our songs are on the tape. Dude just watch it. Like our says man, I hope you had the time of your life, because I did. I love you. And I'm watching over you everyday you wake. Well this is it man, It's over now. Stay strong, I'll see you up there. I'll be waiting for you bro.


The Beauty of the Blood Stained Floor

The last time that I felt so lonely
I looked down the mainline, again
Nothing is wrong with the lines, we've drawn
the progress is endless, I'll continue to go on
Set myself a new boundary, write it in a list
I swear that I never wanted this to be it
Lay down your arms, press your clothes
let me go down, I'll leave you alone
This is another meaningless complication
grasping at strings, trying to save this hopeless situation
falling to the floor, losing my head
crying because all the poems you wrote, I have read
Your hands are the most clouded lines
your voice defeats me, every single time
your face, I'll remember, I swear I will
your kiss, your taste, is the most bitter pill
Please let me know, the vision you had
it isn't that difficult or even that bad
I never knew what it was like to not have sin
and this is what its like to feel awkward in your own skin
Tell me your stories, I need to hear it from your tongue
and every single word steals a little more air from my lungs
I'll take a walk down to the beach at a quarter to three
I'll reminisce about your words and the way they destroyed me
Give me a smile and take away all the pain
I laugh a bit, remembering how we got caught in the rain
forgive the clouds, the air, the sunlight
just forget and bask in the glow of the moon tonight
I never told you I couldn't be hurt
because I knew that these pages would be burned
Paint yourself out of this picture again
and you see my lips question...Is this the end?
As the wind blows
and the nights feel so cold
Take up the cause of finding a new lover
when that should have been a love like no other
I promise I will wait forever for you
though I'm standing alone, torn in two
I'm breathing out this bad air
I curse myself, and you return a blank stare
We try oh so hard not to be stranded here
Just losing time , knowing that we're both sincere
leaving this place to the ages
taking this out, writing these pages
won't you please save me a place in heaven?
because I don't know how to forget forever
I will finally stop and submit
to make sure these plans fit
Like the moonrise, after sunset
I will be true, I won't forget
leave me a note with forgiveness
I don't know if you're my cure, or my sickness
recognizing the sound of grinding glass
I will lose the world, thinking of the past
feeling like I always was so wrong
If I just take this step I will get along
I will find myself another home far away
when all I want to do is beg you to stay
but its been too long since you left me
I don't know, maybe I should feel free
I know that I will go on forever, and a day
and I won't hurt because that isn't the way
that I want to feel right now
feeling, too bad I don't know how
All dressed up, with nowhere to go
and the clock, ticks so very slow
take me to, where love is
take me to, where light exists
this can go down as a tragedy or it might be a new relationship for you and me
I'll never let you get away again
even if we must stay only friends
One more time, I will remember the rest
and I know, our love was the best
seems like heartbreak is a trend
but your name, forever, I will defend
As I collapse to the earth so, cold
I feel weary like I'm a million years old
Don't hold back what your feeling instead
I need to know if our love is dead

The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you.



That's all I have for tonight.


_roB

17 Fall like parachutes

Pointless entry. [04 Feb 2004|09:22pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | Alive Out of Habit. ]

Okay. So here's a survery thing for now.

What does your name mean? I don't remember.
How old are you? 18
How old are you mentally (as in are you mature?)? haha I don't know, 14?
Describe yourself in 5 words: I'm too lazy for this question.
What are your worst qualities: Hmm, I do everything so contumaciously.
What are your best qualities: I can spell really good? lol and I help people a lot.
How long does it take you get get ready in the morning: About a half an hour.
~SLEEP~
Do you dream at night? Sometimes
Do you remember your dreams? Some of them
Describe one. Um, I'm too lazy for this one too.
What time do you go to bed usually? normally 10:30 but I've been going to sleep at 12:30 the last few days
What time do you wake up normally? 4:30 - 5:00
What time do you wake on weekends? Around eight
Do youfind waking late nice or annoying? Both.
do you sleep with one pillow or two? two

~SCHOOL~
Do you like school? Sometimes.
Why/why not? Without it I would have somewhere in the general vicinity of 3 friends.
Whats ur fave subject? I'd say human anatomy because it's really easy.
Most hated subject? Math and Economics
Do you have a fave teacher? Mr. fasier
Ever had a crush ona teacher? Nope.
Are you a maths/science person or an english/drama person? Both.

~FRIENDS~
Do you have heaps of friends? technically yes I guess you could say so.
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends? It's pretty equal
Do you ever get annoyed at any friend? not really, I'm a pretty mellow person and I don't pay attention to them when they get that way.
Have you ever lied to a friend? Lying gets people absolutely nowhere.
Have you ever stolen a friends boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope.

~FAMILY~
Do you like your parents? He doesn't like me.
Ever run away from home? Thought about it.
Ever thought about it? Like I said.
Do you have any siblings? Sure do.
If so, do you like or get annoyed with them? We all get along fairly well except for my brother that lives with my dad.
How old are they? 21, 25 I believe .. and my sister and I are twins so we are both 18.
If not, do you mind being an only child?
Do you feel your parents spoil you? Not at all.
Do you not get along with any of your family? my father and I just clash.
Do you have big family get togethers ever? All the time.

~RELATIONSHIPS~
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? sure do.
If so, are you in love with them? Yes.
Do they love you? I believe so =]
How long have you been together? six months on sunday.
Most romantic thing they've ever done for you? just stuck with me.
Do you have a crush? It's really not a crush?
If so, are you in love? with Shannon.
Do they know you like them? I hope so, lol.
Is it serious or playful? Both =D
How long have you liked them? Awhile now
Ever done something stupid to impress them? I try not to but I still get all weird every once and awhile.
Have you ever experienced unrequited love? nope.
Do u find it romantic or hurtful? both I guess?
Even know what it is? I think.


~Sex~
Ever had sex? yes, big mistake. Completely wrong person.
believe that a person shouldnt have sex before marriage? Whatever they want.
Believe in casual sex? Sure why not? =x
When do you plan/when did you lose your virginity? I didn't pan it.
Did you regret it? Hell yes.

~Religion~
Do you have a religion? yes
Do you practice it i.e go to church? yeah.
Do you believe in God? Sure do
Jesus? Yes
Satan? I suppose
Heaven? Yes
Hell? Yes
If you died tomorrow what do you beleive will happen to you? I don't really know to be honest.
Does death scare you? Not so much anymore.

~Morals~
Have you ever been drunk? Yeah, referring up to the questions about sex.
taken drugs? not intentionally, but I was drugged at a Halloween party because some jack asses put angel dust in the soda.
stolen? Nope.
shoplifted? Isn't that the same thing?
tried to commit suicide? I've thought about it lately. But no.
Lied to a boyfriend or girlfriend? Nope.
gotten into a fight? yes
are you more innocent or guilty? It depends?
Would you date a drug addict? No way
have you ever had to look after someone who was a drug addict? My father is a herion junkie.
Are you racist? Hell no.
Are you discriminatory to anyone? I tend not to be.
Have you been a hypocrite in the past? From time to time about stupid things.
Do you have an open or closed mind to other peoples beliefs and feelings? I'm always open for other peoples feelings & beliefs.

~Media~
Do you watch tons of tv? nope I'm always busy.
How many times have you been to the movies in the past 6 months? Twice.
Do you listen to the radio often? My step dad is a radio host. But no I don't, most of the time. Because the radio stations suck here.
Do you read the newspaper? rarely.
Do you read magazines? occasionally
Are you a couch potato? Not so much
Do you use the internet too much? I don't believe so.
~Music~
Whats your fave style of music? rock,indie,a tidge of punk, and emo.
Do you play an instrument? Drums & I sort of can play the guitar
Do you sing? When I'm bored
Whats your fave band? Ahh, dashboard, Lostprophets & The Anniversary. You can't say you're emo unless you listen to The Anniversary.
Why? Because they are all great bands.
Name 3 cds that youve bought in that last year. The lostphophets, A static lullaby, and buffalo's own Every Time I die.
Why did you buy them? Because they are great bands.

~Sport~
Whats your fave sport? I don't like sports
Whats your fave sport to watch? football, If I had to choose.
Do you have a fave team?: Not really.
Do you play sports?: Sometimes
ever won anything for sport? I believe.
~perosnality~
Are you funny or serious? whichever is appropriate at the time
Creative or not? creative I guess. Nothing too crazy or anything though.
Logical thinker or lateral thinker? Both I'd say.
Are you outgoing or shy? Shy.
Are you lazy or active? over active.
Have you ever been hyperactive? sometimes.
Are you a naturally hyperactive person? Not so much

~Looks~
Are you happy with the way you look? Sure
What would you change? I'm not sure
Do you wear makeup regularly? You know it, the gay men have gotten to me. Hmm, no I don't.
Do you have a large wardrobe? Sort of.
~Money~
Do you have a job? yes I do
Do you like it? Yes
Are you a saver or a spender? Both.
Do you work hard or slack off? I work too hard.
Have you ever been fired? Haha, yes.
In trouble at work? I hope not.
Made a major mistake? I'm sure
Ever had money stolen from you? Sure have, from my dad.
Are you always broke? Not so much.

Well today's been a really horrible day for so many reasons, and I just don't really want to deal with anything anymore. I saw Tim's aunt today, just when I thought I was starting to be okay from it all, there she was. She gave me one of the funeral cards from the funeral, and it's on my wall now. I'm gunna type it later because I don't want to right now because my finger is broken. Bye guys.

4 Fall like parachutes

[03 Feb 2004|10:40pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | nothing :( ]

i'm just so tired
wont you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight
and get away from this place
have a new name and face
i just aint the same without you in my life
late night drives, all alone in my car
i can't help but start
singing lines from all our favorite songs
and melodies in the air
singin life just aint fair
sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven,
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here

feel your fire,
when its cold in my heart
and things sorta start
remindin' me of my last night with you
i only need one more day
just one more chance to say
i wish that i had gone up with you too
and i'm sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here

you wont be comin' back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say goodbye
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
i hope that all is well in heaven
cuz its all shot to hell down here
i hope that i find you in heaven
cuz i'm so...
lost without you down here
you wont be coming back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say goodbye

Fall like parachutes

[01 Feb 2004|04:33pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | The Cure - Boys don't cry ]

There are just too many times that people have tried to look inside of me
Wondering what I think of you and I protect you out of courtesy
Too many times that I’ve held on when I needed to push away
Afraid to say what was on my mind afraid to say what I need to say
Too many things that you've said about me when I’m not around
You think having the upper hand means you gotta keep putting me down
But I’ve had too many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand
Just wait until the upper hand is mine
So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies
So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside
So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long
All I know is that all I want is to feel like I’m not stepped on
There are so many things you say that make me feel you've crossed the line
What goes up will surely fall and I’m counting down the time
Cause I’ve had so many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand
Just wait until the upper hand is mine
I know I’ll never trust a single thing you say
You knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway
And all the lies have got you floating up above us all
But what goes up has got to fall
One minute you're on top
The next you're not watch it drop
Making your heart stop
Just before you hit the floor
One minute you're on top
Next you're not missed your shot
Making your heart stop
You think you've won
And then its all gone
Now it's all gone.


I hope my father shoots himself. Thats all I have to say.

5 Fall like parachutes

Ender will save us all. [31 Jan 2004|07:35pm]
[ mood | horny ]
[ music | Dashboard Confessional - Again I go unnoticed ]

It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
with your charm & in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.

I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is is you need?
Is it within me?

It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.

The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong
Try not to be wrong.


ahahaha I just ripped my pants. I don't really care though. They're too damn big. It's almost eight already and I'm going to see my grandmother in a little while. I don't really want to go though because I'm going to get really upset again but atleast I'll be with her. Hmm my dad came over today, and he hit me in the face but I'm okay. FOOD! . This is good stuff. Well I went to a concert last night, it was pretty stupid but the band was good live. Haha so I sent this picture of me yesterday to Amanda, well just the bottom half my friend took it. It's kinda funny. Well I'm going to go now. Bye everybody. I love you Shannon

Fall like parachutes

[29 Jan 2004|10:01am]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]
[ music | Lostprophets - The fake sound of progress ]

Last Train Home

To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all a part of the choices that your making
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

I wonder if you're listening
Picking up on the signals
Sent back from within
Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on
Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

Well we sing if we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing if it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason to ever fall in love

But we sing
If we're going no where
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing with out a reason to never fall in love
To never fall in love again


That's my second favorite bands new single. The lostprophets. Their new cd comes out Tuesday, I recommend you all go out a nd buy it because the band is amazing.

1 Fall like parachutes

Another song. [28 Jan 2004|10:14am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Dashboard Confessional - Bend and not break ]

carry this picture for luck
kept in a locket
tucked in your coller
close to your chest
make it a secret
shown to the closest friends
and meet me at quarter to 7
the sun will still shine then
at this time of year
we'll head to the inlet
and we'll share a bottle there

and color the coast with your smile
its the most genuine thing
that ive ever seen
i was so lost
but now i believe

and follow me south of the big docks
they teather the boats
the rich men revere
as so important
they hire our fathers to steer
and down to the edge of the water
where we'll spill our guts
and we'll name our fears
i'll give you this picture
keep it and dont
be - scared

and color the coast with your smile
its the most genuine thing
that ive ever seen
i was so lost
but now i believe
and the coast
your smile is the most genuine thing
that ive ever seen
i was so lost
but now i believe
and i believe
now i believe
now i believe


Such a great song, Well I better go before my borther yells at me anymore than he is, I hope everyone who reads this takes care of themselves. And my kids better be good for their mother cuz if not I'm going to have to punish you guys. Don't hit eacother either, understand, Amanda? Be nice to your sister. And be nice to your mother too because she's a great mom and she doesn't need it :) . I love you guys & I love you Shannon

4 Fall like parachutes

:( [20 Jan 2004|04:59pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Dope - With or Without you ]

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless i try to start again
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cause inside i realize
That i'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why i have to scream
I don't know why i instigate
And say what i don't mean
I don't know how i got this way
I know it's not alright
So i'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cause inside i realize
That i'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why i have to scream
I don't know why i instigate
And say what i don't mean
I don't know how i got this way
I'll never be alright
So i'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
I'll paint it on the walls
Cause i'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why i have to scream
But now i have some clarity
To show you what i mean
I don't know how i got this way
I'll never be alright
So i'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

10 Fall like parachutes

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