What is love? And why do we say we "fall" into it? Do we say we fall because it hurts? I know that love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to. But what happens when you're trust is broken, along with your heart? I mean, I know I can't expect every boy that I like to like me back, but if he doesn't like me, why does he play with my heart like this? My heart is his to fill or burst, to break or beary, or wear as jewly, whichever he preferrs (Dashboard Confessional).
There's only two boys that have the power to break my heart. Sean. And, unfortunately, Guy. I always deny still having feelings for Guy because of everything we've been through together. The ups and downs. Right now just so happens to be a down. I can't say that I don't miss him, and I can't say that I won't always love him, because that'd be one of the biggest lies ever; but I can pretend like he doesn't have any impact on my life what so ever. I know I can only keep up this act for so long, but for right now, it's working. By admitting that I still do, and will always have feelings for Guy, I'm giving into him. And, quite frankley, I don't want to give into him. Expeshally not after the way he's treated me. I remember when we used to be really close, and I told him everything. One of the most vidid memories I can remember was the day after my grandpa passed away just 2 months ago. I was so upset, but I didn't want to let it show on the outside that it really was killing me on the inside. I mean, my grandpa was more of a father to me than I own dad. Of corse, my dad never has been much of a father to me, but that isn't the point. Anyways, I was heart broken. I went to Guy to get the comfort that I needed; since Guy knew my grandpa, I knew going to him was a good idea. I can still feel his arms wrap themselves around me. I can still remember exactly how he smelled when I layed my head on his chest and cried. And I can still remember how beautiful his eyes were when he told me everything was going to be okay. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him, wonder how he's doing, and wishing that Sabrina, winner of the # 1 slut award for this year hadn't interfeared. Sabrina; I hate her. And yes, by hate, I don't mean strongly dislike. I actually hate her, and everything she stands for, and everything she's done! I hate her.
Then we've got Sean. Last Saturday; The way he wrapped his arms around me, the way he looked into my eyes, and the way he kissed me. Sheer perfection. It's that moment that every girl dreams of. That moment that every girl cherishes for the rest of her life. That moment that can also bring a girl's world crashing down. Everything was so perfect that night, I couldn't even begin to describe the way he made me feel. It really meant a lot to me, even though I didn't (and still don't) know him all that well. I didn't think that moment would've happened that night, or with him. But I did. Sometimes I wish it never did, because then I probably wouldn't feel the way about him as I do right now. Maybe then he wouldn't have the power to break my heart. But no matter what I do to try and act as though it never happened, I can't. Because it did happen, and it did mean something. I'm totally clueless if it meant the same to him or not, all I can do is pray that it did. Sometimes I think that this relationship is totally ment to be, other's, I'm not so sure. Whenever he's around, my entire body knows it. Regardless if he knows I'm somewhere near him or not. He's like this obsession that I need in order to get through my day, but yet, he's not an obsession. Because I'm not obsessed..