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<3

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Love just is.. [14 May 2004|09:58pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

What is love? And why do we say we "fall" into it? Do we say we fall because it hurts? I know that love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to. But what happens when you're trust is broken, along with your heart? I mean, I know I can't expect every boy that I like to like me back, but if he doesn't like me, why does he play with my heart like this? My heart is his to fill or burst, to break or beary, or wear as jewly, whichever he preferrs (Dashboard Confessional).

There's only two boys that have the power to break my heart. Sean. And, unfortunately, Guy. I always deny still having feelings for Guy because of everything we've been through together. The ups and downs. Right now just so happens to be a down. I can't say that I don't miss him, and I can't say that I won't always love him, because that'd be one of the biggest lies ever; but I can pretend like he doesn't have any impact on my life what so ever. I know I can only keep up this act for so long, but for right now, it's working. By admitting that I still do, and will always have feelings for Guy, I'm giving into him. And, quite frankley, I don't want to give into him. Expeshally not after the way he's treated me. I remember when we used to be really close, and I told him everything. One of the most vidid memories I can remember was the day after my grandpa passed away just 2 months ago. I was so upset, but I didn't want to let it show on the outside that it really was killing me on the inside. I mean, my grandpa was more of a father to me than I own dad. Of corse, my dad never has been much of a father to me, but that isn't the point. Anyways, I was heart broken. I went to Guy to get the comfort that I needed; since Guy knew my grandpa, I knew going to him was a good idea. I can still feel his arms wrap themselves around me. I can still remember exactly how he smelled when I layed my head on his chest and cried. And I can still remember how beautiful his eyes were when he told me everything was going to be okay. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him, wonder how he's doing, and wishing that Sabrina, winner of the # 1 slut award for this year hadn't interfeared. Sabrina; I hate her. And yes, by hate, I don't mean strongly dislike. I actually hate her, and everything she stands for, and everything she's done! I hate her.

Then we've got Sean. Last Saturday; The way he wrapped his arms around me, the way he looked into my eyes, and the way he kissed me. Sheer perfection. It's that moment that every girl dreams of. That moment that every girl cherishes for the rest of her life. That moment that can also bring a girl's world crashing down. Everything was so perfect that night, I couldn't even begin to describe the way he made me feel. It really meant a lot to me, even though I didn't (and still don't) know him all that well. I didn't think that moment would've happened that night, or with him. But I did. Sometimes I wish it never did, because then I probably wouldn't feel the way about him as I do right now. Maybe then he wouldn't have the power to break my heart. But no matter what I do to try and act as though it never happened, I can't. Because it did happen, and it did mean something. I'm totally clueless if it meant the same to him or not, all I can do is pray that it did. Sometimes I think that this relationship is totally ment to be, other's, I'm not so sure. Whenever he's around, my entire body knows it. Regardless if he knows I'm somewhere near him or not. He's like this obsession that I need in order to get through my day, but yet, he's not an obsession. Because I'm not obsessed..

Do you¿

Maybe you could be the one, baby [14 May 2004|12:53pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | Wishing on you [x] Nobody's Angel ]

My God, could this whole Sean thing get anymore confusing? I mean seriously, you either like me or you don't; and if you do, why not just ask me out? He knows I like him, I even told him. But no, he doesn't show me any emotion back! So yesterday before school I saw Sean and told him I liked him. He didn't say anything back, but I guess that's kinda my fault because I kind of ran away after that because I couldn't believe I just walked over and said "Sean, I like you." I kinda freaked myself out. lol. I'm such a dork. Then after school we had this concert thing for 8th graders in chorus. You'd sing you if wanted & Laura & I went. So did Sean. After we were done singing we were hanging out in the band room being hyper. Then we went outside & Sean kept snapping his tie & hitting my ass. Then when we were saying bye we kissed again, but yet, we're not going out. I like him a lot and I don't appriciate him doing this to me. A lot of people say he likes me, and I hope they're right, but I don't want to hear it from them, I want to hear it from him.

I really want to be with him, I'm not sure why, but I just kind of do. And I want him to want to be with me. But for his own reasons. Not because Heather keeps bugging him about it, or because I really like him. I mean, I appriciate what Heather's trying to do, it's really sweet of her, but I don't want Sean to feel pressured to go out with me. I want him to go out with me because he likes me, not because Heather, or anyone else keeps annoying him about it.

People don't get it; what I feel for Sean. Everything makes me think about him. Everything. A random song on the radio, a line from my favorite movie, or a picture of something that doesn't have anything to do with him. Even the book I'm reading (The Secret Garden) reminds me of him. I'm not sure what does it, but I always find myself lost in thoughts of him. I said I'd never let another guy close to me, never give another guy the power to break my heart.. I lied to myself. I've given Sean all the power he wants to break my heart, and all I can do is pray that he doesn't..

I <3 Sean, Do you¿

I want to be nothing less than your everything [12 May 2004|07:32pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Hmm, was today even really worth writing about? Mmm, not really. But I feel like writing, so anyways!.

The only really eventful thing that happened was in Science class. We did this experiment and set a balloon on fire. Homemade bombs! LMFAO. Laura, Heather, & I were all sitting on a table twards the back being losers with these guys. I think their names are Ben, Michael, & Nate. But I could be wrong since I don't usually talk to them. Our whole class is like friggen pyros. Funny shit man ;X

Art was kinda funny. But it was one of those things where you kinda had to be there.
MiCHAEL;; Fuck you
ME;; Yah, I love you too dad
MiCHAEL;; Haha, yah, I love you too.

Yah, life is like super boring and nothing interesting ever happens. But oh well, that's life here in this little one star bucks excuse for a town; APK babay! lol

Anyways, Heather talked to Sean today. She told him if he didn't ask me out she wouldn't be his friend anymore or something. So she told me he's going to ask me out because of what he said after that or something. I don't know, this is all very confusing and I have no idea what's going on with the two of us. Maybe this relationship wasn't meant to progress any further; maybe I'm physco; or maybe I've been watching too many teen drama TV shows.

Speaking of those dramas. The One Tree Hill finale was last night and I cried. "I miss you too, little brother." Oh I thought I was going to lose it. I love that show!

Do you¿

I want to be nothing less than your everything [12 May 2004|07:32pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Hmm, was today even really worth writing about? Mmm, not really. But I feel like writing, so anyways!.

The only really eventful thing that happened was in Science class. We did this experiment and set a balloon on fire. Homemade bombs! LMFAO. Laura, Heather, & I were all sitting on a table twards the back being losers with these guys. I think their names are Ben, Michael, & Nate. But I could be wrong since I don't usually talk to them. Our whole class is like friggen pyros. Funny shit man ;X

Art was kinda funny. But it was one of those things where you kinda had to be there.
MiCHAEL;; Fuck you
ME;; Yah, I love you too dad
MiCHAEL;; Haha, yah, I love you too.

Yah, life is like super boring and nothing interesting ever happens. But oh well, that's life here in this little one star bucks excuse for a town; APK babay! lol

Anyways, Heather talked to Sean today. She told him if he didn't ask me out she wouldn't be his friend anymore or something. So she told me he's going to ask me out because of what he said after that or something. I don't know, this is all very confusing and I have no idea what's going on with the two of us. Maybe this relationship wasn't meant to progress any further; maybe I'm physco; or maybe I've been watching too many teen drama TV shows.

Speaking of those dramas. The One Tree Hill finale was last night and I cried. "I miss you too, little brother." Oh I thought I was going to lose it. I love that show!

Do you¿

Say it like you mean it [11 May 2004|05:59pm]
[ mood | scared ]

`Cause my heart is halfway torn and you're already gone - The starting line Haha, yup. I love the starting line.

So anyways. New layout. "I hope you dance". Hott or not¿

For some reason this new layout really makes me think of Sean. Probably because it's one of the songs we danced to on Saturday night. There's something about Sean that keeps me drawn to him. I havn't known him all that long, but it feels like I've known him for a while. Just something about him, it just drives me wild. The way he looked into my eyes Saturday night, for once I felt understood, & happy. I just wanted to stay lost in that moment forever. I know, I sound like one of those corny greeting cards, but I can't help it. But now it feels like he liked me more on Saturday; like he doesn't like me as much as he did at the dance or something. I don't know. Damn I'm negative today. I guess I've just really fallen for Sean, but I don't know. I don't know anything about anything when it comes to love and matters of the heart. Right now Sean holds my heart in his hands, and if this relationship doesn't go somewhere and soon, he'll be holding my broken heart in his hands..

I <3 Sean, Do you¿

Say it like you mean it [11 May 2004|05:59pm]
[ mood | scared ]

`Cause my heart is halfway torn and you're already gone - The starting line Haha, yup. I love the starting line.

So anyways. New layout. "I hope you dance". Hott or not¿

For some reason this new layout really makes me think of Sean. Probably because it's one of the songs we danced to on Saturday night. There's something about Sean that keeps me drawn to him. I havn't known him all that long, but it feels like I've known him for a while. Just something about him, it just drives me wild. The way he looked into my eyes Saturday night, for once I felt understood, & happy. I just wanted to stay lost in that moment forever. I know, I sound like one of those corny greeting cards, but I can't help it. But now it feels like he liked me more on Saturday; like he doesn't like me as much as he did at the dance or something. I don't know. Damn I'm negative today. I guess I've just really fallen for Sean, but I don't know. I don't know anything about anything when it comes to love and matters of the heart. Right now Sean holds my heart in his hands, and if this relationship doesn't go somewhere and soon, he'll be holding my broken heart in his hands..

Do you¿

Do you believe in love at first site, or do I need to walk by again¿ [09 May 2004|05:12pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | I hope you dance [x] Leeanne Womack (sp?) ]

KRiS;;_ K, so I broke up with him Friday night. I was right when I said I didn't think he was really the one for me. He's really been getting on my nerves lately though. He keeps telling me he loves me and wants me back, even though I told him we're just going to be friends. He's saying everything he can to try to get us back together, but I don't want to get back together with him. It's that simple, why can't he accept that?

YESTERDAY;;_ Anyways, last night was the BEST! First when I got up I went with my mom and I got my nails done, then to get my hair done. I saw Bianca, Megan, Shawna, Rachel, and this other chic there. After that I came home and my cousin Candy and uncle Tim came over and Candy did my make up. Then I put my dress on and Laura came over. My parents and big sister took some pictures, then Laura's mom took us up to the high school. Laura's dad met us up there and took some more pictures of us..

LAST NiGHT;;_ Then we stood outside waiting for more people to get there because we were super early. After we went inside we walked around talking to everyone and taking pictures. After everyone was there and people started dancing Laura and I were with the other Laura, and Hailey. Then this kidd named Sean was talking to us. I'm not sure if he knew anyone other than Laura, but all I know is he didn't know me. He's really cute too, hehe* ;X then we started talking and we were dancing and stuff. I'd tell you the rest but I don't kiss & tell. LOL

TODAY;;_ First we went over to my gramma's house, then other to my other gramma's house. I showed them pix from last night and they thought I looked totally gorgeous. My grandpa (Walden) didn't like the pic of Sean & I.. go figure, eh? lol

Click here for pix )

I <3 Sean, Do you¿

Your world looks so far away from here [04 May 2004|08:11pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | Ain't no mountain high enough [x] Play ]

First update. Whoo hoo, don't I feel special?¿? Haha, not really.

So today was pretty good. I had a huge fight with my boyfriend Kris. So to make it up to me he brought me a rose. It's beautiful. Then we stayed outside holding eachother in our arms looking at the stars. It was sweet, but sometimes I can't help but think Kris isn't who I'm supposed to be with, yakno..

I <3 Sean, Do you¿

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