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[01 Sep 2003|02:33am]

She stepped out into the morning air, to watch the cars go by and let the sun dry her hair. i sat behind the wheel and watched the raindrops as they gathered on the windsheid, and raced down into the humming motor. and she folded up her fears like paper airplanes, and lost them in the trees. .... the capacity to feel, to laugh and cry and to praise: for that i live and breathe and wake each day, in awkward and glorious movement.

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and i just want to lay my head in your arms, and bleed awhile [31 Aug 2003|01:53am]
[ mood | Peace. ]

i am lying in bed with my eyes closed right now, not even looking at the computer. i have mineral playing pretty loud on my headphones. i wish i had glow in the dark stars on my cieling. and i can still taste defeat on my lips... how can i not admit i just wanna be something more than the mud in your eyes. i wjust want to be the clay in our hands......
i feel pretty excellent. hey sorrow, where are you? tomorrow just won't be the same without you here. and there are feelings i have now that ill ever be able to explain. things get better all the time... we just need to choose to realize that. lying subemerged in a field of a million blue roses. swaying softly in the breeze. autumn leaves rustinling, tornadoes around your feet. your sneakers. all of the emotions we are all going through right now, we are all connected through a series of invisible fishing lines...we all feel the sun's rays against our cold skin.... the sun feell down again last night on my anger.... ad i didnt even cry. i didnt even try to stop it at all. i just stood there. and watched it fall. everything is a million miles away, and docters cant even hold their stethescopes to this one. it is easier to write when you arent staring at the glow of the screen, when you arent staring at technology and coldness. this is more intimate.
i am lying here and the keyboard is on my lap, its totally dark in my room and imineral is blasting in my brain. and im thinking about my life, the epicness of all of it. the thing is, i just need to fulfill e verthing to the utmost ability. i have felt tragedy and devestation. at an early age., ive ad my fill of it all. so much of it is so far behind that it would be worthless to bring up, but nonthless its made me who i am today. same with everyone. we are all what we are all but at the tsame time thwe are constantly eveolving. this is the tip of the iceberg, it is always just the tip of course---- but this especially, this is such a thin microlayer of actual thought and emotion. i felt i should do it though. because i want to, i want to remember feeling like this. my life is changing really fast. and im growing up.
depression and terror and beauty all at once, could you fucking think of a greater gift than being alive?

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my friends rule. [09 Jul 2003|11:44pm]
[ mood | good ]
[ music | alkaline trio- rooftops ]

To: Douche Bag
From: Sweet Thang

Yo ho,
Here's a note to keep you busy during school. Chillen like a villain. Omg so kut! ~~ Anyways, learning much? I'm sure. You'll get out soon enough. Is the hot kid being all hot? Nice. Chaz says if any thugs mess with you he'll fuck them up, and his teeth are sharp. I heard about this book that might help you out: "The White Kid's Guide to Thug Livin' ", and I think you would highly benefit in a viewing of Snoop Dogg's show on MTV, on tuesday I believe. Try getting a really dark tan too. Don't get too envious of those girls instant messaging eachother, it takes forever and it's probably even more annoying with the huge fake nails I bet they have. Well, I don't know what more to say... make Mrs. Laviola proud!

Sexy Ho

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[09 Jul 2003|01:43am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | the pixies- velouria (live acoustic) ]

my summer school class is like the fucking Breakfast Club on crack. We've got these two girls that live in Brooklyn, who spend class text messaging eachother on their cell phones. They are like smaller, more obnoxious Molly Ringwald offspring mutants. There's Ryan, who digs the Bouncing Souls and works at a night club. I guess that he would be the Bender of the group, cause of his personality, and he looks like him.

There's Kurly, who is sort of like a black Santa Claus. Poor Kurly; he doesn't have a Breakfast Club alias right now. He's a pretty jolly fellow, though, suitingly enough.

Lindsay is nice enough I suppose so I'm giving her Molly Ringwald, even though Molly Ringwald is a total cunt.

There are a couple more kids, but I'll get to them later...

The real bombshell here is Mrs. Illmensee, the teacher. She is one of those "cool" teachers who can only accept one kind of "bad student": the kind that is secretely pining to learn. These kinds of teachers, when faced with kids like me (who puts effort into awkward things in school, never the main objective presented....) can not understand, nor do I want them to. So, through their "unique and innovative" teaching style, she's trying to form bonds, to pull the whole hey-I'm-just-like-you business. These kinds of teachers use their radar to find certain students and forever impact them so they can get some made for TV movie made about them and appear on Oprah or some shit. Hey, whatever.

But I don't mean to sound pessimistic about it. It's really not that bad at all. For example, today's so called "class" consisted of one packet. Within the first 5 minutes, we had all completed this multiple choice packet. And thus concluded Mrs. Illmensee's lesson plan for the day.

that's fine though dude.... gives me a chance to do some art and draw and read a lot.

Okay, sleep sucks so bad. As jon and I discussed.... the actual sleep is awesome, but GOING to sleep is a motherfucker and a half. Last summer I stayed awake for four days straight, just because i could. On the fourth day, though, I went really crazy and thought everyone I knew was a serial killer and hallucinated all this crazy shit. haha.

on that note, goodbye.

-montel williams

ps- two people so far for CKY. if anyone else lives around fair haven/red bank and wants to come.... 741 7769
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[08 Jul 2003|11:18pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Husker Du: Standing by the Sea ]

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Things I've learned. [08 Jul 2003|09:46pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | jimi hendrIx-castles made of sand. ]

keep your mind open. don't settle into any one emotion, because you are just depriving yourself of the rest. meanwhile, experience every emotion to the absolute fullest capacity possible.... even the bad ones. just live everything over the brim. listen to the music that makes you feel good (or good about feeling bad). keep your minds open. always remember that the earth is gigantic compared to your current environment. even with of of its turmoil, there is still so much you can grow from and learn about. keep your mind open. smash your safety zone. be sad, be happy, be anything you want. question everything you see and do, ask yourself why you do or think certain things. evaluate your internal self. never let anybody make you feel like you should hold back. act crazy. act sane. keep your mind open. you find something that makes you happy, stick to it. but always change. sorrows are going to come and come and come. and they never stop. and you are entitled to your mourning and your grief. of course. however, you must find growth in your pain, eventually, when the time is right. never compromise your values. keep your mind open. retain your morals. say what you want. stand up, sit down. take it in stride, take it too fast, whatever. choose your own pace, but don't let it all pass you by. always keep in mind that you're still young and you are going to learn so much more about yourself and everything else. allow yourself to feel pain, but allow yourself to have it alleviated when you are ready. leave room for your world to be flipped around, because it will. again and again and again. keep your mind open.
ride with all the windows down on a breezy summer night, your stereo throbbing, and always remember those moments that every teenager experiences. the ones where you can feel your mind expanding and soaking in the sweet taste of life.

ps- if anyone ever wants to talk or just hang out.... i'm down. 741-7769. anytime! 'cept i have summer school until around 1230.

pPs- anybody else going to cky at birch?

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[28 Jun 2003|04:54pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | bad brains ]

this world, the so-called “real world,” is just a front. pull back the curtain and you’ll see the libraries are all filled with runaways writing novels, the highways are humming with escapees and sympathizers, all the receptionists and sensible mothers are straining at the leash for a chance to show how alive they still are... and all that talk of practicality and responsibility is just threats and bluffing to keep us from reaching out our hands to find that heaven lies in reach before us.
you can taste it in the shock and roar of a first, unexpected kiss, or in the blood in your mouth that instant after an accident when you realize you’re still alive. it blows in the wind you feel on the rooftops of a really reckless night of adventure. you hear it in the magic of your favorite songs, how they lift and transport you in ways that no science or psychology could ever account for. it might be you’ve seen evidence of it scratched into bathroom walls in a code without a key, or you’ve been able to make out a pale reflection of it in the movies they make to keep us entertained. it’s in between the words when we speak of our desires and aspirations, still lurking somewhere beneath the limitations of being “practical” and “realistic.”

revolution is simply the idea we could enter that secret world and never return; or, better, that we could burn away this one, to reveal the one beneath entirely.

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[15 Jun 2003|01:21am]
If you read this shit, stop being creepy and just leave a comment!

That's all!
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[12 Jun 2003|07:31pm]
[ mood | fuckin A ]

There is a difference between life and survival

Whatever medical science may profess, there is a difference between Life and survival. There is more to being alive than just having a heartbeat and brain activity. Being alive, really alive, is something much subtler and more magnificent. Their instruments measure blood pressure and temperature, but overlook joy, passion, love, all the things that make life really matter. To make our lives matter again, to really get the most out of them, we will have to redefine life itself. We have to dispense with their merely clinical definitions, in favor of ones which have more to do with what we actually feel.

As it stands, how much living do we have in our lives? How many mornings do you wake up feeling truly free, thrilled to be alive, breathlessly anticipating the experiences of a new day? How many nights do you fall asleep feeling fulfilled, going over the events of the past day with satisfaction? Most of us feel as though everything has already been decided without us, as if living is not a creative activity but rather something that happens to us. That's not being alive, that's just surviving: being undead. We have undertakers, but their services are not usually required; we have morgues, but we spend most of our time in office cubicles and video arcades, in shopping malls, in front of televisions. Of course suburban housewives and petty executives are terrified of risk and change; they can't imagine that there is anything more valuable than physical safety. Their hearts may be beating, but they no longer believe in their dreams, let alone chase after them.

But this is how the revolution begins: a few of us start chasing our dreams, breaking our old patterns, embracing what we love (and in the process discovering what we hate), daydreaming, questioning, acting outside the boundaries of routine and regularity. Others see us doing this, see people daring to be more creative and more adventurous, more generous and more ambitious than they had imagined possible, and join us one by one. Once enough people embrace this new way of living, a point of critical mass is finally reached, and society itself begins to change. From that moment, the world will start to undergo a transformation: from the frightening, alien place that it is, into a place ripe with possibility, where our lives are in our own hands and any dream can come true.

So do what you want with your life, whatever it is! But to be sure you do get what you want, think carefully about what it really is, first, and how to go about getting it. Analyze the world around you, so you'll know which people and forces are working against your desires, and which ones are on your side... and how you can work together
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[12 Jun 2003|06:10pm]
[ mood | pretty awesome ]
[ music | 34 song crimpshrine cd (amazing stuff) ]

This paper was written by ex-boyfriend-now-good-friend extraordinairre, Jaime Herrera, a little while ago for his english class. It needs no introduction, really, it's just sweet and I think he's right on the fucking ball on a lot of things. So dig in and enjoy, and if you need to be told not to steal this shit, then you're already an asshole and shouldn't be reading anyhows. Bye!


Jaime Herrera
English IV
Philosophy of Life

For the greater part of my life I have been taught how
to think and feel. Even given preconceived ideas
before experiencing anything on my own. My parents,
schools and peers made up my mind. In this paper, I
will laboriously demonstrate how my mindset has
changed after various experiences and realizations.
These philosophies and ideals are the pillars of my
essence. While some are very firm, others are not. I
have come to feel quite comfortable with both of them
because one leaves room for further growth and a
better understanding of myself and the world around
me. The following eight pages are filled with these
ideological “pillars”.
The first of these pillars coincides with the way I
process everyday decisions and choices. One cannot
make a real decision choosing from a set of solutions
that were never really questioned at all. For most
people this “set of solutions” is bestowed to them by
their parents and culture. They include values,
religion, and morals. Ever since making this
realization I have questioned everything (yes
everything) I’ve accepted without thinking and made a
basis for what I believe in. The process in which I
use to break down these mental walls are a combination
of the following: Dropping self-imposed limitations
that restrict my choices in situations and taking into
considerations the affects of my actions on those
around me. In doing so I can figure out what I really
want to do and weigh the consequences of those actions
with their necessity. This way of thinking reaches
into almost all of my everyday decisions, such as :
My attire, the things I say, when I say them, and
pretty much anything else one does on an everyday
This philosophy has kept me open to new ideas and what
most people would call “radical” ideas. One of the
largest ones in my life would have to be underground
punk culture. The word punk in the last 25 years has
lost almost all its meaning. The ideals were far too
many and far too diverse. This diversity caused too
much conflict and it imploded on itself as a movement.
As a whole punk means a lot of different things to a
lot of different people. I have come to consider it
more of a state of mind. I entered
into the scene when I was 13 years old. Ever since
then I have been attending various punk shows within
the tri-state area. In this experience I have learned
a great deal about myself and in the process had some
of the best times in my life. The idea of complete
freedom of thought is definitely punk at its finest.
Unfortunately punk can tend to be a negative,
destructive movement. A majority of the kids involved
do not regard themselves as having any opportunities,
hence the adoption of the slogan, “No Future”. So
their philosophy is a sad fatalism. It is in this
state of mind that people succumb to drugs and
alcohol. It is for this reason that I have had the
unfortunate occurrence of seeing my closest friends
fall victims to heroin addiction. Since I had always
kept a clear head and questioned the basis of my
actions I maintained a safe distance from drugs and
addiction. This awareness was of no avail to my
friends. Since then I have lost touch with many of
them except for 1. This one friend eventually went to
a rehabilitation center for almost 6 months. While he
was away at the center the whole ordeal of losing
almost all my friends made me realize how important is
to be self reliant. Being alone for such a long time
let me know that I was capable of enduring what most
people could not. Since then I have found a sort of
peace in my loneliness. In many cases I would rather
be alone then with a mindless group of social
butterflies. I would much rather be alone with my
thoughts then spouting out mindless drivel about the
A not so positive pillar of mine is the tendency to be
very bitter and negative. I find that being somewhat
depressed all the time helps me to keep things in
check. A favorite song of mine has these very
influential lyrics :




Now, aside from all the suicidal references; this song
is actually almost positive. Nothing is so bad that
you cant live through. Eventually we all die so
nothing is really that bad. There is no reason to
ever get that upset because most situations are just
temporary. So long as you can keep somewhat of a
clear head then you need not worry. Though there are
times when a clear head cannot be maintained. This
time is usually referred to by many as LOVE.
I had the pleasure of dating a very beautiful girl for
over a year. In that year we grew very close and then
the reality that nothing last forever finally hit me.
Safe to say I thought it would last forever. Turned
out she thought it would be fun to mess around with
some of my friends and then play with my mind a bit.
I was naïve and just utterly stupid. I paid the price
for how happy I was and it changed my view on
relationships and dating in general. Since nothing
last forever it is not worth pouring yourself into
someone that wont be there for the long haul. This of
course does not negate the qualities of love. Instead
I have grown very cautious of who to trust and the
reasons as to why.
It is my belief that most relationships and
friendships ultimately fail because a lack of
communication. This gap in conveying our needs and
wants makes us commit acts of betrayal and deceit.
The gap exists because we are slaves to the English
language. A prime example is an episode of Star Trek
in which an ambassador of the “medusans” (a race of
beings that take no form or shape, but is instead a
conscious, meaning it has no body but just essence and
thus when it is among its own people is can
communicate with them instantly and perfectly because
they share the same consciousness). In the episode
“Is there no Truth in Beauty” Spock performs a
mind-link with the Medusan ambassador in order to plot
coordinates to save the ship. This means that the
ambassador now can use all of Mr. Spock’s senses which
he has never been able to experience before. When he
finnaly does he says this :

“How compact your bodies are.

And what a variety of senses you have.
This thing you call... language, though...
most remarkable.
You depend on it...
for so very much.
But is any one of you really its master?
But most of all...
the aloneness.
You are so alone.
You live out your lives...
in this...
shell of flesh,
How lonely you are.
How terribly lonely. “

Since the Medusan Ambassador had always been able to
share consciousness with his fellow beings he found
the human senses restricted him from sharing ideas and
sentiments. For the first time he had felt what it
was to be alone. He points out how alone and apart
humans really are to one another. This is also another
contributing factor to the necessity of self-reliance
and constant state of depression (not a bad thing!).

It is this gap that forces humans to search for other
means of expression such as music! Music plays an
integral part in my life. Playing the drums, guitar,
and bass provide an outlet for frustrations as well as
good feeling. I find music to be the most therapeutic
remedy for almost every one of my problems. Often
times a melody can convey much more than a sentence.
A special attribute of my philosophy is that of my
theory of procrastination. As I write this paper it
is 3:12 AM the day the paper is due. I absolutely
live for this type of mind blowing pressure and
stress. The natural adrenalin and the added 48 ounces
of coffee really get the creative juices flowing. I
could not imagine going through high school any other
way. In more ways than one, I see it as a commitment
to intrinsic awards. Most other students will have
had their papers done a week in advance whereas I find
comfort in knowing I got less than an hour of sleep
and pushed myself to the total limit of the human
capacity. There is no point in doing anything before
it absolutely has to be done just as long as it gets
done. My parents had always told me the opposite of
my theory. After years of procrastinating I have come
to the conclusion that they were very wrong. Unlike
them I can bear the burdens of panic. This is another
prime example of questioning everything.
Life as a whole should be taken seriously with
certain points left open for comic relief. This paper
is almost an exact replica of my philosophy. At times
it is well written and serious and at others its quite
humorous and poorly written. Yet, Overall It is very
creative. I feel that life should be just like that.

To the reader of this paper, Have mercy and Live Long
and Prosper.

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[11 Jun 2003|11:12pm]
The Contents of Your Daily Life

How many hours a day do you spend in front of a television screen? A computer screen? Behind an automobile windscreen? All three screens combined? What are you being screened from? How much of your life comes at you through a screen, vicariously?

Is watching things as exciting as doing things? Do you have enough time to do all the things that you want to? Do you have enough energy to? Why? And how many hours a day do you sleep? How are you affected by standardized time, designed solely to synchronize your movements with those of millions of other people? How long do you ever go without knowing what time it is? Who or what controls your minutes and hours? The minutes and hours that add up to your life? Are you saving time? Saving it up for what?

Can you put a value on a beautiful day, when the birds are singing and people are walking around together? How many dollars an hour does it take to pay you to stay inside and sell things or file papers? What can you get later that will make up for this day of your life?

How are you affected by being in crowds, by being surrounded by anonymous masses? Do you find yourself blocking your emotional responses to other human beings? And who prepares your meals? Do you ever eat by yourself? Do you ever eat standing up? How much do you know about what you eat and where it comes from? How much do you trust it?

What are we deprived of by labor-saving devices? By thought-saving devices? How are you affected by the requirements of efficiency, which place value on the product rather than the process, on the future rather than the present, the present moment that is getting shorter and shorter as we speed faster and faster into the future? What are we speeding towards? Are we saving time? Saving it up for what?

How are you affected by being moved around in prescribed paths, in elevators, buses, subways, escalators, on highways and sidewalks? By moving, working, and living in two- and three-dimensional grids? How are you affected by being organized, immobilized, and scheduled rather than wandering, roaming freely and spontaneously? Scavenging? (Shoplifting?) How much freedom of movement do you have--freedom to move through space, to move as far as you want, in new and unexplored directions?

And how are you affected by waiting? Waiting in line, waiting in traffic, waiting to eat, waiting for the bus, waiting to urinate--learning to punish and ignore your spontaneous urges? How are you affected by holding back your desires? By sexual repression, by the delay or denial of pleasure, starting in childhood, along with the suppression of everything in you that is spontaneous, everything that evidences your wild nature, your membership in the animal kingdom? Is pleasure dangerous?

Could danger be joyous? Do you ever need to see the sky? (Can you see many stars in it any more?) Do you ever need to see water, leaves, foliage, animals? Glinting, glimmering, moving? Is that why you have a pet, an aquarium, houseplants? Or are television and video your glinting, glimmering, moving? How much of your life comes at you through a screen, vicariously? If your life was made into a movie, would you watch it? How do you feel in situations of enforced passivity?

How are you affected by a non-stop assault of symbolic communication--audio, visual, print, billboard, video, radio, robotic voices--as you wander through a forest of signs? What are they urging upon you? Do you ever need solitude, quiet, contemplation? Do you remember it? Thinking on your own, rather than reacting to stimuli? Is it hard to look away?

Is looking away the very thing that is not permitted? Where can you go to find silence and solitude? Not white noise, but pure silence? Not loneliness, but gentle solitude? How often have you stopped to ask yourself questions like these? Do you find yourself committing acts of symbolic violence? Do you ever feel lonely in a way that words cannot even express? Do you sometimes feel yourself ready to

lose control?
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[03 Jun 2003|11:17pm]
hi, how's it going, good, great, grand. this journal thing is stupid, therefore i quit. cheerio.
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frown. [26 May 2003|11:49pm]
[ music | discount- lights out ]

it breaks my heart a million times over. he's sliding up cotton to display his battle scars. and a balloon attatched to his insides. we drew a face on it, with a sharpie marker. the intestine was the nose.
he removes his glasses with one shaky hand and wipes at his tears with the other.
this is surreality.
ultimately the question should be Why?, but i don't feel like asking it. i don't really want to know. i just want him to be able to feel the sun beating on his face again. i just want him to be happy.

the way people enter and change your life....

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[18 Apr 2003|05:49pm]
"So I could be aware of the dangers of the self-consciousness,
but at the same time, I'll be plowing through the fog of all
these echoes, plowing through mixed metaphors, noise, and
will try to show the core, which is still there, as a core, and is
valid, despite the fog. The core is the core is the core. There is
always the core that can't be articulated.
Only caricatured."

-Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius.

charming, right? anywho, everything preceeding this entry and a large chunk of those that will come after will be on friends only, unless i decide otherwise. don't worry, you're not missing out on another thrilling log of someone's day-to-day synopsis (if that offended you, it was directed to you)....

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