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another innocent girl

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well, thanksgiving came and went. [27 Nov 2009|12:20am]
[ mood | satisfied ]
[ music | i don't care - fall out boy ]


i hate thanksgiving. it's always the same thing every year.
my family acts fake as hell, i get miserable and barely touch my food, and i escape into my own little world. so repetitive. at least this one was better.
well, i slept on the couch cos the night before i was having really bad lactose pains and i woke up to my mom cleaning the entire house and preparing the meals- at 8am. i laid around like a bum, played xbox, and my uncle and aunt came over before i got ready. then i went in my room, blasted music, got presentable looking, and played rummy up to a thousand with my aunt before the food was ready. then ate, pissed people off- mainly my father- and then cleaned up and left for jay's. jay's was nice, i walked in while they were eating. kind of felt like an asshole for that but it was all good. apparently john and becca got into another fight- kinda shitty on thanksgiving but whatevs. jay couldn't fit anymore food in his belly and it was hilarious to watch him try. after dinner we watched some football, then went to melissa's for dessert. the pumpkin pie was delicious <33333.

then we went back home, me and jay snuggled and had a good talk. i'm really thankful for that kid :). we took a nap and then he drove me back to my house where i am now sitting on my couch and typing this while talking to my biff, heather, about harry potter for the millionth night in a row, hahaha.

i'm gonna call it a night, i'm gettin mad tired.
late!
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

excuse me while i kiss the sky. [25 Oct 2009|01:24pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | all along the watchtower - jimi hendrix ]


so last night i saw paranormal activity with jay and it was the creepiest thing i have ever seen. thank God that shit isn't real or else i would probably never ever sleep again. i had a sleep over with jay and woke up around nine this morning. not bad, he's in the shower right now and i'm waiting for him to get out so i can get in.
anyway.
so the past week has been pretty uneventful. i have to work on an essay that's due tomorrow on some bs topic that i don't even care about, but it's whatever. i may as well work on it cos i have nothing else better to do- that and if i don't i'll fail the class and i don't wanna do that haha.

well, i guess that's all for now.
late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

wowwww [21 Oct 2009|12:39am]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | new divide - linkin park ]


tomorrow is my second anniversary with jay! so excited! ahh!


anyway.
today was really chill. two classes got cancelled and work wasn't so bad. went to BK and got some fries and chicken tenders with a lot of ranch- good shit. then i went to jay's and everyone was there. fat was there, which kind of pissed me off, but whatever. me and becca went to get cigarettes and egg nog and then i fell asleep in her bed while watching law & order: svu. her bed was sooooo comfy. and she put a heating pad underneath the sheets and mmmmm i was in heaven. i slept for a good hour, then she got ready to go to alex's. i took a ride to wawa with tommy & chuck. then we came back, had a bonfire, invited guido & john to come over. they did and then left cos they were gonna steal kyle's tires off his jeep. muhhfucka left it in the middle of the woods by his house completely trashed. hahaha, john is terrible. anyway, so they came back and we watched i love you, man. i only stayed for about a half hour cos then i had to go home, take a shower, and i finished a discussion chat on turnitin.com for my lit class.
i spent some time cheering andrew up, talked to josh about the fact that i am not a doormat for anyone, and now i'm talking to sarah about life and stuff.

i talked to lj about some things tonight too- just to vent and whatnot. he was gonna take care of it for me but i declined cos i'm a big girl, God will help me, and it's an obvious sign that it'll be better off this way. no worries at all. i'm happy, and i'm gonna listen to bob marley before i go to sleep.


okay, well it's 12:47 am, and its time to hit the sack. i have comp tomorrow (shoot me).
can't believe tomorrow is second anniversary with jay!!!! <3

& ps, nick helped me out A LOT tonight. thanks nick. :)


well, i'm out.
late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

three little birds [19 Oct 2009|09:11am]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | gives you hell - the all-american rejects ]


well jay and i made up which is a good thing. i'm planning on taking him to applebee's for their two for twenty deal and maybe a snuggling session will occur later. it's been a rough couple of days for the both of us but hopefully today will smooth over some rough patches. i'm planning on relaxing with him, something i know will make us both feel better. i'm solidly planning on making today a better day for him.

in other news.
sheila & bridget have been blowing up each other's walls about hanging out and having a ballin' time at my house this weekend and i'm totally down for a girls' night with them. it'll be awesome and i've been in a desperate need of one in foreverrr. i can't wait.
today so far has been uneventful tho. i woke up with my red eye and put some eye drops in. i didn't even bother to put make up on so i just ran the straightener over my hair and walked out of the house with just cover up and my glasses on. i look like a bum, but whatever. my comp class was completely uneventful cos all we had to do was write our introductory paragraphs for our second paper and i think mine blew terribly. ah well. it's the only class i had and i don't have work until two thirty so that gives me plenty of time to bullshit. i may go home, idk though, but it'd be pointless to stay here.

so i really can't wait for john to come home... i had another bad dream about him and i just hope that he's okay. i really do. idk why but i've been having terrible nightmares of things happening to him and i just really hope that he's okay. i want him to be home like, right now, just so i can hug him and make sure that he's fine but i have to wait another forty some days or so. sigh. it won't be long, and maybe he'll be back from the field today which will ease my gnawing nerves.
i swear, it's so weird that him and i are close again. he's the first boy i've written about in here and it's very evident that i cared deeply for him. what are the odds that him and i are now close again? everything is very different though. i feel like we're so much different from what we used to be. wow, he's the only person i still talk to from those days... weirddd.

well, anyway i'm planning on going home so i can sleep and maybe read some of my trashy romance novel by myself. it's boring here and i really don't feel like wasting away, haha.
i'll update later.


late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

they stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast. [18 Oct 2009|08:24pm]
[ mood | cranky ]
[ music | hotel california - the eagles ]


well this weekend sucked balls royally.
in a way, it was good though.
well, starting off with friday it kinda was half a good day and half of a shitty one. i got out of rowan quickly to get to jay's house to help him clean cos our friend tom was having his birthday party there and we did that for a while. then i got my hair cut with becca and my hair turned out reallll good and so did her's. she dyed it a very dark brown color with cinnamon in it and it makes her look absolutely b-e-a-u-tifulll. then as we leave, some other girl getting her hair down at the same house parked illegally in front of the driveway on the other side of the street and i backed up into her car. little did i know that it was a brand new beemer and my ass is now charged with $450 to repair it. to be honest it's not even that bad of a dent and i really don't see how it costs that much- but whatever. i worked it out with her and i told her i'd pay her in payments and she's cool with it. i'm still pissed that i gotta pay for it though. but, thankfully, my shitty PT Cruiser is unharmed.
so then me and becca started to bitch cos her friends ditched her and jay was blowing up my phone with where i was, what i was doing, etc and we were just getting pissed. so we decided we were gonna go out and have our first girls' night together. we picked up sheila from work, invited her along, then we got ready reaaaal quick and drove all around creation to find becca's damn friend's house. we finally found it and they were all blazed when we got there. the three of us didn't do shit except for sit and watch UFC and entourage. i wasn't planning on doing anything anyway but it was kinda beat. then we get home at 2:00 in the morning after dropping sheila off and i crashed there.
saturday sucked balls tho cos chuck was being really nosy about shit and me and jay had zero alone time. we made up and stuff for a small argument and i really wanted to be alone with him to cuddle but it didn't happen cos of chuck. so, that sucked. but i took becca to work at the domino's in fville, grabbed sheila, and her and i chilled here and watched a marathon of csi while her and my dad ate nasty ass steak. i grabbed taco bell before taking her home, then i stopped by at jay's house to kiss him, and he gave me purple daisies and i then drove off.
today sucked cos jay and i got into an argument over some dumb stuff and i just drove to the mall to cool down. i went to go look at an anniversary dress to wear but i didnt get the one i wanted cos i looked fat in it. that depressed me. then i decided to go back to jay's house and we got into another argument- i said some stuff i didnt mean and i had to wait till he was done work at ten to see him. but it's blown over now cos we're fine and i'm gonna go over his house tomorrow with a gift or something to apologize for being a jerk and a half. and i'll make him a card too. i just feel bad still, so i'm gonna do that.

anyway.
now i gotta annotate part of this article for comp tomorrow but i'm gonna do it while i'm sitting in class before the prof gets there cos i only have to annotate a few pages to make it look like i did something and then i'm gonna hand that in or whatever. i may or may not start on it tonight... who knows? but i gotta get some sleep. my right eye is completely blood shot from lack of sleep and crying so i really gotta get to bed.

oh, and before i forget: my mom offers to have me drink in the house- and smoke a blizzy if i want to. i was shocked. i won't do that shit though- maybe a drink, idk- but it just isn't my style anymore. i don't think jay would appreciate it at all and nah... ha, i just don't think its for me. sheila, bridget, and becca all wanna get together at my house for a girls' night and i'm all for it, but i may be the only sober one. haha, who knows? maybe sheila will be a good girl with me :)

anyway, i made up my mind and i'm not gonna do anything with the damn article tonight. i'm gonna finish off my amp, wait twenty minutes in bed to chill out while listening to some good music, and then i'll most likely fall asleep and hopefully get enough rest to get rid of this damn red eye in the morning.

so, good night and i'll update tomorrow...


late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

they stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast. [18 Oct 2009|08:24pm]
[ mood | cranky ]
[ music | hotel california - the eagles ]


well this weekend sucked balls royally.
in a way, it was good though.
well, starting off with friday it kinda was half a good day and half of a shitty one. i got out of rowan quickly to get to jay's house to help him clean cos our friend tom was having his birthday party there and we did that for a while. then i got my hair cut with becca and my hair turned out reallll good and so did her's. she dyed it a very dark brown color with cinnamon in it and it makes her look absolutely b-e-a-u-tifulll. then as we leave, some other girl getting her hair down at the same house parked illegally in front of the driveway on the other side of the street and i backed up into her car. little did i know that it was a brand new beemer and my ass is now charged with $450 to repair it. to be honest it's not even that bad of a dent and i really don't see how it costs that much- but whatever. i worked it out with her and i told her i'd pay her in payments and she's cool with it. i'm still pissed that i gotta pay for it though. but, thankfully, my shitty PT Cruiser is unharmed.
so then me and becca started to bitch cos her friends ditched her and jay was blowing up my phone with where i was, what i was doing, etc and we were just getting pissed. so we decided we were gonna go out and have our first girls' night together. we picked up sheila from work, invited her along, then we got ready reaaaal quick and drove all around creation to find becca's damn friend's house. we finally found it and they were all blazed when we got there. the three of us didn't do shit except for sit and watch UFC and entourage. i wasn't planning on doing anything anyway but it was kinda beat. then we get home at 2:00 in the morning after dropping sheila off and i crashed there.
saturday sucked balls tho cos chuck was being really nosy about shit and me and jay had zero alone time. we made up and stuff for a small argument and i really wanted to be alone with him to cuddle but it didn't happen cos of chuck. so, that sucked. but i took becca to work at the domino's in fville, grabbed sheila, and her and i chilled here and watched a marathon of csi while her and my dad ate nasty ass steak. i grabbed taco bell before taking her home, then i stopped by at jay's house to kiss him, and he gave me purple daisies and i then drove off.
today sucked cos jay and i got into an argument over some dumb stuff and i just drove to the mall to cool down. i went to go look at an anniversary dress to wear but i didnt get the one i wanted cos i looked fat in it. that depressed me. then i decided to go back to jay's house and we got into another argument- i said some stuff i didnt mean and i had to wait till he was done work at ten to see him. but it's blown over now cos we're fine and i'm gonna go over his house tomorrow with a gift or something to apologize for being a jerk and a half. and i'll make him a card too. i just feel bad still, so i'm gonna do that.

anyway.
now i gotta annotate part of this article for comp tomorrow but i'm gonna do it while i'm sitting in class before the prof gets there cos i only have to annotate a few pages to make it look like i did something and then i'm gonna hand that in or whatever. i may or may not start on it tonight... who knows? but i gotta get some sleep. my right eye is completely blood shot from lack of sleep and crying so i really gotta get to bed.

oh, and before i forget: my mom offers to have me drink in the house- and smoke a blizzy if i want to. i was shocked. i won't do that shit though- maybe a drink, idk- but it just isn't my style anymore. i don't think jay would appreciate it at all and nah... ha, i just don't think its for me. sheila, bridget, and becca all wanna get together at my house for a girls' night and i'm all for it, but i may be the only sober one. haha, who knows? maybe sheila will be a good girl with me :)

anyway, i made up my mind and i'm not gonna do anything with the damn article tonight. i'm gonna finish off my amp, wait twenty minutes in bed to chill out while listening to some good music, and then i'll most likely fall asleep and hopefully get enough rest to get rid of this damn red eye in the morning.

so, good night and i'll update tomorrow...


late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

this entry needs to be compressed into two sentences so i can post it on fmylife.com [15 Oct 2009|08:21pm]
[ mood | ghost - little boots ]


i should be ashamed of myself.
for God's sake im sitting at home on a Thursday night, in carebear pajama pants, and i'm listening to "paparazzi" by lady gaga, brooding over my issues when i could be out a party with my friend allie. and no, i wouldn't be drinking cos she wouldn't and the only reason i'd go is to get out and hang out with her, but i'm not there. ugh.

anyway.
so, josh and i were having a serious conversation today in nonwestern lit class about my issues, and he told me that i need to think things through before i come up with ridiculous conclusions and he's totally right. this is why i love my intelligent, gay friend- he thinks of things i didn't take into account and he gets me to think them over again so i don't do anything stupid. thanks, josh. he talked me out of taking a thirteen hour flight to germany to see john- which most likely would've upset jay a lot. even though john and i are friends and stuff, jay would still be weirded out if i take a half day trip to go see an exboyfriend for a damn few days alone when i should be with him. and not only that, but what the hell was i thinking? well, i had innocent intentions... at least. i would only go to see him cos he's lonely. i feel bad that he's so far away from us and he's there, rotting in germany with a bunch of issues going on in his life. sigh. but, thanks to josh, God, and my own reasoning, i'm not going.
my stupid big heart always gets in the way. i'm an idiot.

so today:
today was boring. my psych class was pretty good but my laptop was dead so i couldn't look at the notes on the powerpoint, but i didn't wanna have an empty space in front of me so i sat a dead laptop in front of me. i must've looked like a damn idiot. then, in music appreciation, we took a midterm and i'm pretty sure i did well on it. i only studied for about fifteen minutes but me and this kid sam were exchanging answers the entire exam so awesome.
it was raining and cold all day, so walking across campus sucked. i managed to buy the book i needed in the nonwestern lit and i also bought an amazing trashy romance novel that perverted fairy tales... haha, it's quite interesting. then i went to nonwestern lit and spent the entire class bullshitting with josh over textsfromlastnight.com and we were talking about a bunch of other stuff while our prof was lecturing us about the book that is incredibly disturbing. ah, he's my best friend that kid.
then my mom surprised me by picking me and driving me to my car on the other side of campus. and then i came home, became a complete bum, and beat myself over being such a bitch today to jay. i snapped at him and didn't mean to, and we haven't talked due to the fact that he's at work. but i can't help but feel bad. blah. i'll apologize later and make it right.

okay well now i'm listening to old ass linkin park and i'm reminiscing on seventh grade days again. sigh. someone stop me.
- nevermind, now it's little boots. ah, good shit.

late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

we would've thought you'd given up. [29 Jul 2009|09:22pm]
[ mood | grumpy ]
[ music | lucy in the sky with diamonds - across the universe ]


i'm bored, and idk what to do with myself right now.
oh btw, update: i'm living at home again. i didn't go crying back to mom and dad like my sister suspected i would (shocking, right?). i just felt that it was the right time to go back. God told me, infact, and i go along with his opinion more than i would anyone else's. so, that is all taken care of. for now.

anyway.
i'm bored right now. idk what to do at all cos for one, jay hasn't spoken much to me since i left his house. idk why, but it seems to me like he's avoiding me or something cos of the fact that i'm not residing there anymore. it hurts, to feel lonely, and i want to talk to him about it but i dont feel like hearing him lie to me (or thinking hes lying to me). sigh. i know i'm gonna talk to him eventually, so i think i'll call him after i'm done the entry. whenever that is.


i came home and i watched across the universe to keep myself busy thru the severe thunderstorm we had here. i was writing a bit (rewriting the story that i was working on) but i didn't want to continue cos of the tornado watch, so i got off. and i couldnt' believe there was actually a tornado watch in New Jersey. that was... well, surprising to say the least. and now i dont have much to do except for play bloodlines and try to start a conversation with my friend cam, but it's eh, hard. just cos im not in the conversing mood anymore.


yeah, i think i'll call jay now. i've waited long enough.

goodnight, late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

my life might be ruined. [21 Jul 2009|11:25pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | this is your life - switchfoot ]


is it possible to die from cardiac arrest brought on by a huge traumatizing event that has caused a tremondous amount of stress upon the body in a short period of time? if it is, then i'm pretty sure i might die within the next hour or so.
to get to it, i'll just say that for the past... i don't know... four months or so (at the most) i've been working on a genius story- the best plot i think i've ever come up with that i've been able to put into words. this story has flown on the pages and i've fallen head over heals for the characters i've made, it's ridiculous. i want to write more to continue it and to (hopefully) conclude the book (i don't know whether it'll be a sequel or not because by the way i'm feeling right now, it'll never happen. but before i was up for it to be a four maybe five part series. ugh fuck my life). anyway, i can't get to my book because it's saved on a flashdrive (and the home computer itself) at my house. and i can't get to my house because i've been kicked out- which is an entirely different story but i'll explain it anyways.

for the past five days i've been living at jay's house. his family has taken me in without any second thoughts or hesitations and i am truly thankful to them and for God for giving me the OK with it. not only that- but i'm so grateful for a free place to stay. but yeah, the reason why i got kicked out of my house:
on wednesday night i went to bed around five in the morning or so- not sure, somewhere around that time-because i was simply spooked. my dog amy- whom i love too much and miss terribly- woke me up at 3:30 in the morning because she was freaked out by something. long story short i stayed up with her and didn't fall asleep until around five, as said. the next morning i was in and out of consciousness (i think) and when i finally woke up i had the biggest headache that i've felt in a long time. it was one of those "where the hell am i?" type of headaches- the one where you're completely disoriented and lost and whatnot, and to be complety tely honest, my mind was one tracked and i was only focusd on the fact that i was going to jay's house that i pretty much forgot about everything else.
well, i went to jay's and around six or so my mom calls me. we were downstairs in his basement where his room is, watching donnie darko when she called and i could barely make out what she was saying but i understood without any fault that she was angry with me. so i dropped the signal and ran upstairs to go outside where i could (hopefully) hear her better and basically she freaked out on me because i didn't mop the floor- something my father told me to do when i was in/out of consciousness and didn't remember. then she got into a rant about how i'm ungrateful, and how i shouldn't come home because all i want to do is spend time at jay's house and the home i have is merely a "storage closet" for me and whatnot, and that i'm just there to get by and bide my time, blah blah blah.
so she went on saying she was going to cancel my phone and that she didn't want me to come home, and i simply told her she was being ridiculous and that i was going to pray for her. and she mocked me so idk whether i hung up first or she did, but it doesn't matter because bottom line: i was upset.
so then later on that night jay and i decided to walk to walgreens with the little money i had to buy me a toothbrush and we passed by caiti's house and she was sitting outside with her dad. we told them what was going on, she gave me a toothbrush, and we all talked about life and problems and as such. jay and i found out that caiti was having A LOT of problems with kyle and her dad was involved, he was mad, etc and i told them about my situation. and then (like on cue) my dad calls and asks me if i'm coming home. i asked him the same question and told him to ask mom because she was the one that told me not to. so basically he says for me to come home and i told him i wanted to think about it first and he had to get angry and start mouthing off with this, that, and the third, and i hung up on him. then he sent me a voicemail and i listened to it anyway. he basically told me i'm going to fuck my life up by not being there and to not bother coming home and i deleted it. jake (caiti's father) was shocked that this was happening and offered to let me stay the night. i did- only because i wanted to offer some kind of support for caiti and the next morning my mom called me (waking me up, btw) to tell me she's picking up my house and car keys because she doesn't want me home and OBVIOUSLY since the car isn't in my name she's taking it from me.
caiti's mom then comes in, asks how cait and i am, and i tell her what's going on. she opts to scratch up my SIM card for me cos if my mom wants my phone she won't be able to get into it if my SIM is screwed up. so she does that but the thing still works- balls. but it didn't matter cos i dropped the house & car keys off at Malia's she didn't ask for my phone but i saw her sitting inside my car- and i ignored her. i dropped the keys off and she starts mouthing off at me thru the van's (jay's car) closed windows and i didnt care. we drove away not looking back and she left me a voicemail that i deleted right away.
i haven't heard from them since- unless you count a nasty text message that my discusting unimportant whore of a sister left me, talking about how i'm going to ruin my life and how she can't wait till i come crying back to mom and dad, blah blah blah. what sucks is that i'm not going to do that- nope. i'm happy to be out of the house, but it sucks not having my own clothes or my glasses, change of contacts, and books and stuff. not to mention my mom has money that belongs to me- but whatever. i sold my iPod today and i'm selling my phone and guitar and that'll hopefully get me around $300. one can only hope.

oh well.
it's balls that i can't get to my original story but God gifted me with a great talent of imagination and i will imagine the whole thing all over again. i remember it well enough, so whatever.
and i'll pray for them anyway- it doesn't matter. my prayers go to them with love, not with malice. hopefully they will see that. but i refuse to go home unless they're going to repent and change their ways and accept God in their lives.
i feel bad for mouthing off about them in here, but i'm just mad. so sorry to God, sorry for sounding hateful. i'm just mad. *sigh*. whatever. i'll get over it. tomorrow will be a MUCH better day, i'm sure of it.

goodnight, God bless.
late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

living is easy with eyes closed. [06 Jul 2009|10:31am]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | strawberry fields forever - the beatles ]


i havent updated in a while, but all i can say is that life is good.
i have to keep this entry short cos i'm leaving soon, so i'll get to it.
yesterday i went to the buena fields day... and i saw THE bus from the movie across the universe! i walked on the same bus that Bono performed on!!! ah! i couldn't believe it! i have pictures with it, and jay got me two buttons and three necklaces from it. ah, i'm in love<3333

today i'm going with jay and his family to ocean city. i look like a whale... but i'm determined to have some fun in the sun. maybe it'll be good for me? idk. i hope i get some sun tho...

i'll try to update later!

late.
1 ♥|slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

well [29 Jun 2009|09:38pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | the irony of dying on your birthday - senses fail ]


the placement test sucked. i failed the algebra part, which isn't a big surprise. but i did pass everything else so i'm not too upset. i literally got lost getting out of Rowan because i made a bad turn, and i almost wound up in Salem County...i was real scared. but i found my thru Franklinville and i got to jay's house. we didn't do much, and we were gonna go out, but i had to go home cos my dog got sick and my mom just HAD to call me and make me come home and clean up. eh, it's whatever. i'm not too stressed about it cos she didn't yell at me when i got home, but i'm still pissed that she made me come home early. *shrugs*. i'll get over it.
anyway, now i'm just trying to figure out how to use some codes on my blurty cos i want to change what my links say but i have no clue how to, and i'm getting frustrated trying. i pretty much gave up- the hell with it.

well, now i'm kinda beat. nothing really happened today.
actually, i do have to talk to my friend caiti about something. she texted me a little after midnight and i was half asleep and i tried staying up to talk to her but i eventually fell asleep on her. so i'm gonna try to get ahold of her... she's having problems with kyle... eh...
hope it works out...

but yeah, i'm spent.
late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

blah [29 Jun 2009|01:22pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | glycerine - bush ]


so i'm at Rowan so i can take that basic skills placement test. i'm not too excited for it, but eh. i'll deal with it. it'll only last probably half an hour, but till then i'm in my mom's office alone just updating this and playing bloodlines.
after the placement i'll probably be going to Malia's to get my car door fixed (jay's sister becca backed into it a while ago) and then he'll pick me up from there and we'll go to his house. idk what we'll be up to tonight, but i'm up for anything. i can't wait for another group outing cos yesterday was so much fun!
anyway, i'll probably update this later on tonight when i can.

late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

=) [28 Jun 2009|09:41pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | the crack from which gold pours - august burns red ]


i had a very, very good day today.
it was probably the most exciting day i've had in forever- and i'm kinda bummed that it's over. but anyway, it all began last night when i slept over jay's house. we were planning to go mudding (or off-roading, as some kids like to call it) and it was gonna be an all day project. so we figured i'd spend the night there to save time and gas for the both of us- especially since we'd have to get going around eight in the morning. well, sleeping over was real nice =). jay let me sleep in his bed, and he went upstairs to sleep on the couch in his living room, and i thought that was real sweet of him (but it's really not that big of a deal since he does it all the time when i'm there. i just think it's adorable). before we went to bed tho, we watched s.darko the sequel to donnie darko and it was... freaky? and jay kept falling asleep, which made me only feel even more creeped out cos he wasn't there to tell me: "it's all right, jelly, it's only a movie". ha, i'm a wimp.
anyway, he went to bed, gave me smooches good night, and i stayed up for a half hour more to watch superbad, thinking it'd completely take my mind off freaky samantha darko. well, it didn't, i still had a nightmare. eh, *shrugs*. so i shut off the tv, and before i went to bed i made it a point to put an alarm on my phone so i'd wake up before jay so i could get ready, let him get more sleep, and then i'd wake him up so we could go to our friend john's house so we could meet up, but i slept thru it, and i woke up to jay saying in a cute little voice "come on baby, we gotta wake up". ha! so i got ready in like fifteen, and rob guido, our awesome friend that picked us up to go to john's, was all ready out there.
so we went to john's, met up with the crew (which was: john, guido, his girlfriend that's really weird, his cousin, sheila- a girl that has a backstory, brigid, jill, robyn, donnie, and kyle) and we drove out to the middle of nowhere to go to this redneck version of Wawa called Farmer John's- ahah, i cracked up at that. we had breakfast pizza- and it was SO good. my gosh, it was delicious. i ate a bacon, egg, and cheese slice and a cheese and egg ( i picked off the sausage) and we wrapped up the porkroll and egg pizza for later. so then after that we got on our way.
well, john and his truck, as amazing of a Jeep as it is, has a grand idea of blowing out his belt and we had to stop off at a random place to fix it. guess where he stopped? no other than a friggin old ass cemetary, with a creepy church in the middle of it and it's quaint location was out in the middle of friggin nowhere. beautiful, right? well, we took advantage of the situation by walking around and looking at gravesites and the scenery and as such. sheila and i were the ones that were mainly looking at graves, and then me and rob's cousin went exploring around the church. we got bored and tried to break in, and then jay and donnie came over and were yelling at us cos we were gonna find dead bodies and/or get eaten. so we settled for looking around, and found a trail that led to a stream in the back of the church. it was pretty, but it really had a horror movie feel to it, so we split and went back to the truck.
it didn't take long for the truck to get fixed, and during that time i was talking to sheila. now, the girl and i had a history of not liking each other over a bunch of miscommunication, and we actually got along rather well. we were all ready moving towards being on better terms with each other, but surprisingly it worked out without any problems or immature behaviour happening. i'm real happy about that, and so was jay. he loves seeing people get along in general, and it was real nice for that to happen.
anyway, we got the truck fixed and FINALLY went in some trails. and it didn't take long for rob's blazer to get stuck in the mud- it went up to his hood. so we tried fixing it, and sheila, being the tart that she is, literally fell in the three deep mud puddle, and i have it on video. ha, it's hysterical, but it was all in good fun. we were stuck trying to fix it for seven hours- no lie. but the whole time was a huge bonding experience with the girls that were there. i got real close with all of them. they're all sweet girls, and i think i found friends. i'm happy. :)
well, we finally got his truck fixed, but then kyle's Jeep got screwed, so we had to fix his, and then when we were on our way my lymes started to kick in. fun, right? it was whatever tho- i had such a good time. my jeans and sneakers got soaked with mud and dirt, but i really can't complain. sheila started chaffing and her vag was so sandy it could've filled Ocean City's beach. haha, love you, sheila (even tho you probably will never read this).
so we went around in the trails, then stopped off at a convenient store and jay got me water, Tylenol, and Sun Chips *smiles* and then we went back to his house to get my stuff and so he could drop me off at my house. i wanted to stay out more and have a bonfire with everyone, but i didn't wanna have to have jay baby me, so i opted to take a shower and call it a night. i feel clean, so that's great. and i'm glad i worked things out with sheila, and i'm glad that i got closer to the girls. nothing like mud to help girls bond, ahah.

so, my day was real good. tomorrow i have to take a placement test for Rowan, and i'm gonna chill tomorrow. maybe with someone, idk. but me and jay are trying to work between being with each other and our friends. we've been seeing each other a lot, and i'm afraid that we might get sick of each other if we keep hanging out every day. we've been together for like, twenty months, and i'm still very happy with him, but i don't wanna push my luck =P.

well, i'm done. i'm real beat and i think i'm gonna play bloodlines before i head off to bed. :)
late!
2 ♥|slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

are you okay, you okay? you okay honey? [25 Jun 2009|11:24pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | smooth criminal - alien ant farm ]

i'm really melancholy right now, and i'm not exactly sure why.
i think it's too late in the night to be thinking about things, especially since this is the usual time where my thoughts run away from me and my mind starts thinking up all sorts of crazy things. like, right now my mind is giving me weird things to think about. like, things with jay and i (yes we're still together. magically, right?) and idk what has lead me to think these things. idk, i guess it's because he went to bed early. a little after 12 is early to him, but he had to cos he has summer completion. and he texted "sweet dreams" to me out of nowhere, after like a half hour of not speaking to me. and i was wondering to myself: that's weird... usually he'll call me or text me up until he's going to sleep, and for him not to is just well, odd. and then again, this could be just me being idk, paranoid or something. like really, it could be. i guess i'm uptight cos of just... eh, stupid stuff going on outside the relationship that i think could affect it. *sighs*. i'm a nutcase, i swear.
anyway.
i'm probably going to head to bed right now so i can read some more of this book called The Naming. it's a fascinating book- can't believe i didn't hear of this series sooner. anyway, i'm going to probably see if i can get farther in it, and maybe if i can remember, i'll try to update this. it's been months since my last post- i know, i'm getting horrible.
anyways, good night

slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

i'm falling behind again. [02 Feb 2009|04:44pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | sunny came home - shawn colvin ]


i really need to start keeping up with what i write.
& personally i need to stop going away from this journal for like six months and then coming back to it. cos i always feel lost whenever i try to recap on what i've had going on prior to this entry and i have a feeling that trying to put together a timeline of the recent events that have happened would be utterly and totally exhausting and pointless at the same time. because knowing my life and the patterns that go along with it, none of those things are even relevant to what is now currently at hand in my "life".

first off, jay and i are still together. it's surprising, but yet not that much of a shocker at the same time. it's surprising because reading back in my life i have noticed that i wasn't able to keep a boyfriend for more than ten consecutive months and here i am going on my sixteenth month with a boy. to me, it seems like a huge improvement and i can honestly say that i can't wait until him and i reach the two year mark. i have a very strong feeling that we will, but i won't jinx it :)


anyway, time for some random thoughts.
school is just a drag to me anymore. not that i hate it or think that education is pointless, but i just think that the environment itself is becoming less and less fun and exciting than what i thought it would be a few months ago when senior year started. the teachers aren't lame at least, but the people get old after a while. i want a change of scenery. i really want to get out and meet new people. i need a job, and a car. ugh. bullocks if you ask me.

& this year is just new in general for me. i've found my way back to christianity, but i'm keeping my Wiccan beliefs still. jay has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. to be honest, i think that he's lead me to be a better person. i haven't subjected myself to smoking or partying at all for that matter, and i just feel like i'm a lot happier now cos of him. it's a great feeling, and idk. i wanna hang on to him for a while.

ugh.
whatever.
idk what else to write cos im distracted, but i think i'll write more (if i remember to) when im not trying to juggle myspace comments, conversations with alii, and the story i'm writing.
i'll get back hopefully soon.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

you say goodbye, and i watch you walk away like a fucking idiot. [28 Aug 2008|11:24pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | chelsea smile - bring me the horizon ]


it's really hard for me to realize that the moment has finally come when i'm going to be a senior.
it's so surreal to me, and i almost don't want to walk into delsea knowing that this is my last year, because i feel like i'm going to be scared or something. i guess i'm scared of the fact that i might not leave a mark on this school, with something that says "gina mags went here" and kids of the younger classes are like, "dude, who's gina mags?" and when they ask the teachers, they'll have some amazing story to tell them about how accomplished or driven i was, or something like that.
i'm not saying that i want to be the center of attention or some kind of high school celeb, i just want to be remembered for something good, ya know? even if it's as small as being the most different person in the whole entire class of '09. i'd be so happy with that.

but anyways.
today was an interesting day.
everyone knows how i dislike my sister with such a passion and all, but today she really burnt my cookies.
basically the little twit had to have a fit because i "planned" the day with picking a place to eat and go shopping at, and my mom actually went along with my plans.
are you kidding me?
i picked a place to eat & shop that none of us have ever been to before, simply because it'd be a new experience. i picked don pablo's because jessie said the food is amazing there (and her and i have this crazy fascination with mexican food) and i picked plato's closet to go shopping at because of the low marked prices. they have like, everything in there except everything is marked down, so i figured that would be a good way to save money and get good school clothes, right? totally logical.
so my sister threw a fit because that's not "her style" and i'm like, are you serious? you have a style? wow. good one.
i'm sorry for my blunt/rude ness, but wearing sweat pants and wife beaters with obnoxiously glittery shirts to go over top along with wearing your hair in a pony tail every single day and your face painted similar to a racoon's isn't a style. that's just skanky.

but i don't have a style apparently... when i actually look like i put time and effort into what i wear.
whatever.
i get that her and i aren't similar, we never were, but don't harp on me about something that you have no idea what you're talking about. and look in the mirror before you say something. i mean, just jeez.

so anyways.
she got home and ranted and said how her life is just so horrible because i've always shut her out, and she does nothing to anyone and how she deserves to be treated so much better with all this special attention, how she's so mature and more mature than me, blah blah blah.
then how she wants to knock me out.
wow.
that's mature.
crying about going to a place to shop isn't mature.
neither is crying that your life sucks, you don't do anything to anyone, but at the same time you're going to tell your mother that you want to get hit by a car or have something absolutely terrible happen to you so that people can appreciate you more?
yeah she really frigging said that.
no i'm not kidding. she said that.

and then i walked in telling her to stfu with her woe is me act, get a violin, and basically grow a set, so she tried following me to my room to "knock my ass out" and told me to turn around and i basically turned away and closed the door in her face. she was crying about making me bleed and stuff like that. wow, that's mature.
i believe that a wise person once said that it takes a stronger person to walk away from a fight, rather than partake in it. hitting someone only lets the person know that you got the best of them.

and i usually don't like to walk around, acting like i'm better than people and if i do, i won't shove it in their face, but i guess it kills michele that i can walk away from something and leave her looking like a total idiot. yeah, it really must piss her off.

whatever.
i'm done with that whole situation. and i'm leaving after this school year is done anyways, so what the hell do i care?

in other news, i hope barack obama wins.
ronnie is coming back from texas and she's staying here.
jay and i are still together and we're doing great.
i'm getting new dermals soon.

goodnight (:
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

take me by the hand, take me somewhere new. [22 May 2008|10:40pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | unwanted-avril lavigne ]

today was an off day.
kinda was, in some sorta way it just felt weird.
maybe it was cos it was raining outside, and since i hate the rain with sucha passion it probably ruined my mood. everythin turned around when i saw jay tho, he made a lotta stuff better for me. he just put me in a really good mood and it made me laugh bein with him. we watched juno, and i loved the movie. he thought it was ok, just thought it could've been better, but it was all around a great movie. i totally recommend people to watch it with their significant others, cos it is pretty funny.

anyways, im gettin a new phone this weekend, probably the palm centro, and im gettin my hair done again sometime soon.
jay has some new shows comin up and i cannot wait to go to them.
aaaaand we had our seven months yesterday.
cool right? =D


late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

ill be waiting with a loaded shot gun to bury you alive. [14 May 2008|09:38pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | truth of a liar - august burns red ]

so, what makes sense anymore?
i mean really when it all comes down, what really makes sense? hell, what's even real anymore? im havin a pretty hard time tryna figure that one out. idk why, but i am. its got nothin to do with jay or my friends really, just my family. the whole, family relations thing, is it all that its cracked up to be? i mean lets face it, my family relations suck.
its not exactly a pretty ride for you when you realize you were a mistake. and whats a mistake exactly? to put it bluntly, you're a birth control kid. yep, your mom got knocked up with you while even bein on birth control, and you're the reason that she married some prick. ahah, pretty great huh? and its like, my family resents me. not exactly hates me, but its like they wonder why i was brought into this world. and lets be real here, i wasnt supposed to happen as far as they're concerned, and that bein said they probably had no real interest in me as a kid. at least my personality and what i was gonna be when i grew up. they probably had hopes and dreams but when i started growin up and gettin my own identity and goals it seems they shoved me away. crazy huh, that parents seem to do that shit to you. it just sucks that i cant relate to my parents, the same way that they can't relate to me. and its kinda not fair either.
the only thing i feel is real tho is what my friend fat told me yesterday as we were drivin around in his car doin some door hangin (which is part of a job at domino's) and he put it straight like this: i met some great friends and a great guy that loves me unconditionally and his family loves me more than words can say, i have morals and a future and ways of gettin to where i wanna go, and im not a fuck up thats a breathin waste of space. that's pretty much the best thing i've heard in a while, besides from jay, and it makes me feel good, yaknow? i guess it feels good to know that even tho you may feel like you dont have anyone in your corner backin you up there's always someone that comes up and cheers you on when you least expect it and they're stickin there till you win. its really great, a security kinda great. and im thankful even if its just for that.

i just kinda wish my parents werent so horrid towards me sometimes.
but oh well, parents are parents and its just balls that i wasnt able to choose mine.
hah, like me or any of us have a chance of that.

thats all for my senseless/rubbish entry.
late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

we're forest fires waiting to happen, and buildings designed to collapse. [06 May 2008|09:48pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | all my loving - beatles. ]

my life?
it gets pretty damn good.

jay and i? we get better and better. my friendships? keep comin and goin, and some even come back.
me and ronnie? always and forever, you just cant change that.
the decisions i make? awesome. and the life i lead? couldn't be better.

i got a job. which is awesome. my everythin is great, and im passin school like a champ. fuckin awesome. i'm gonna be drivin soon, have a different hair color, new piercin, and tat soon too. im excited. jay and i just passed six months, and we're still goin strong.

and right now i gotta peace, im goin to watch tila tequila with rachel.
late, night.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

baby even in my heart, it's a real fine place to start. [27 Apr 2008|02:19pm]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | milk of regret - otep ]


so prom was the other night and it was pretty good. nothing really happened that was all that exciting; jay looked really nice in his tux tho. and alicia did my hair up really nice. i'm upset that she left yesterday cos her and i got very close since she's been staying here. i can't wait till she comes back so her and i can talk some more. i really do miss her.
but yeah, prom was good. and yesterday i went to the chili cookoff with jay and his family. it was a lot of fun and i dressed up a little bit. sara evans played and she was awesome, so was jason michaels carrol. and the lost trailers weren't bad, but i think that their name is kinda tacky. the one thing i didn't like was that the food was more expensive then a pair of earrings from macy's. drinks were like, $3 from there, which jay's mom and i found to be a complete ripoff. and i lost one of my contacts, so i had to walk around half blind for a day. fun!

and today nothing is really going on. i apparently can piss off my parents for the most simplest things possible: i.e. for the fact that when i'm busy i get upset at being distracted and they apparently take it to the most personal level that i have a life. it really doesn't matter to me anymore how they think/feel about me. i'm getting out of here asap anyways.

but as for right now, i'm going to go downstairs and work out on the new exercise bike we got and then probably clean my room. or vice versa, whatever it takes to get them off my ass. wish it were nice so i could tan tho, =/.

late.
slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

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