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mood |
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music |
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tbs - theres no i in team |
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Dear Blurty Journal & Avid Readers,
Today I learned something. Today I learned that no matter how angry & how bitter you are, sometimes you just need to let it go. You need to forgive & forget, even though forgiving is hard and forgetting seems impossible. Sometimes you need to believe in something, and take into consideration that Karma is a bitch, and if you wait patiently- what goes around comes around. Today I learned, what I already knew. That sometimes the fight isn't worth the frustration, no matter how bad it hurts, and no matter how much you want to. In the end, walking away and pretending its ok, is better then digging deeper and going nowhere. I think it's safe to say that the only people who actually read this know what im talking about- regarding the friendship & ex situation. Granted I hate him, I will always hate him, and I'll never be on good terms with him- I'd rather just forget of his existance, try to rebuild some trust in the friends that I have and hope that I can only grow with these expierences & remember how lucky i am to have the man in my life that i do & the best friend thats always been by my side. There is this saying that my aunt told me when the ex broke up with me for the second time- "Fuck me once, shame on you, Fuck me twice, shame on me". Same situation applies. I'm willing to let go of the war i've started with Caitlyn for the time being, until something else happens, I'll let it go for now. If I get fucked again then I'll be done. Of course I love the girl, but if I get hurt again on account of this, thats when its very clear who my truest are. Well before I say that, I do know who my truest are. They are three people who amaze me, who pick me up, dust me off, defend me no matter what, and people I'll love til the end of time. Obviously, there is Danny, who I love more then anything in this world. He's opened my eyes to some many things and has made me a better person. He knows what to say, and when to say it, and is so similar to me, it's almost like the perfect fit, like it's how things should be. On the other hand, there is Ryan who although is immature & drives me nuts sometimes, hes always on my side, always makes me laugh, and has been consistant since middle school. And then there is my best friend. Lauren's been by my side through the absolute darkest of times. She watched me fall and helped me up so many times. She stood by me and took care of me, throughout the years i was dealing with self-mutilation. She was there to tell my father off when he called me up screaming at me, and I just wanted to die. Fuck, she stood by me thru what I now consider the Dark Years- the two and half years i was a prick to everyone and didn't care for anyone else except the ex. In my opinon, anyone who can live through that is there through the end. And only two people have without question, without losing contact, without changing the relationship. Lauren and Ryan have always been there no matter how bad things got with me. Even when i was blowing them off, they were there. I know Danny wasnt there through the years, and I'm very happy for that, because if he had i dont think we would be where we are. But thanks to those three people, i am a better, happier, person. I love all three of them in very different ways, more then words could express.
I'm at the point where the reason I decided to throw up the white flag and surrender is because i'm sick of wasting the energy. I'm sick of worrying, im sick of caring, im sick of putting effort into something that will never come close to mattering, not nearly as much as the other things i have in life. And that in the end i know im a better person. I guess im just going to end this, with everything happens for a reason, people will test you, and karmas a bitch. I wanna throw out there a huge thanks to Lauren for shocking me with the way she defended me and the level she took it too. I'm very proud lol. I know we fight alot, and i say some shit and she probably does too, but shes my best friend thru and thru. And of course, it isn;t a Kara blog without me throwing in there how much I absolutely adore my Danny, and how I thank my lucky stars for having him. I love him endlessly. there's nothing better then finding the light at the end of the tunnel
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cynical
curious
grateful
calm
horny
working