| fuck everyone and everything |
;; 10:41p |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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just my frantic thoughts |
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Ive come to the realization, that everything sucks. no matter what. it just depends on the extent that it sucks to. like ive said so many times before, i hate how people fucking push my buttons. something irritates me, so what? that means go right on ahead and fucking do it? fuck THAT bullshit. the fact that it comes from someone that loves/likes me..i dont fucking get it. ive gotten pissed at him time and time again about it, and just..ughhh. he keeps doing it. now, after it happening enough wouldnt you kinda get the jist of it? kinda like rafikki in the lion king, swinging his staff and ducking the second time because you know its coming?
theres times when i want to just be like, fuck you and fuck everything, fuck all this wasted time and fuck all the times ive been upset, crying, hurting, slowly killing myself for you. and then theres the times when he does and says everything right. i feel safe and protected, like nothing can hurt me. like he'll possibly change, but it never happens. it seems im only hurting myself more by subjecting myself to it over and over again as well.
i want to say what i mean and mean what i say. i want to be straight up, flat out blunt about how i feel. i want to tell him WHY im not in the mood for that shit, WHAT he does that makes me that way. but in the end, does it help any? i get no more than an apology, which doesnt do one goddamn thing. after having it said to you so many times, it begins to lose its value and meaning.
i know that hes told me he doesnt worry about anything, he doesnt get stressed out, he stays calm and lets things go..but i dont. and he needs to realize that. what may work for him, does NOT work for me, so why the fuck get me all worked up when you know how im gonna react? i just wish, that he could understand me. i wish that he could understand how i feel, what i go through, what ive been through.. my past hurts. and it NEVER GOES AWAY. there is a time to joke and a time to be serious, and when i say that a friend and i have been talking about things that are rather depressing, things that've happened to us, between us, sucky lives in general, thats a redflag that i am wanting to be serious. at times, yes it may be good to joke during seriousness, but dont go at it with that right away. i want to talk, and i want to be comforted, i want to be told that everythings going to be okay and everything is going to turn out fine. i want to be persuaded by the lies, i want to believe that its true, that that is what will happen. i want to. but you cant even do that for me.
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| its just one of those days where you dont wanna wake up |
;; 7:08p |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Linkin Park- Easier to Run |
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today has been a really down day for some reason. im so sick of me and my mood swings. its sad when you must even find the bad things in all the good just because youre so pessimistic. maybe its because everyone around me is happy for one reason or another, mostly relationship wise. i dont know how to describe it, its not really jealousy..so would it be envy? i envy them for what they have, and what i lack. finding the right person for me is something that i'll never do as far as im concerned. im just too fucked up, even though everyone tells me im not. they dont know what goes on in my head, they dont know what i dont tell them; they dont know what its like. i'd go as far to say they probably dont even know the real me, i dont even know the real me. there are so many mes that i've pretended to be, i cant distinguish the genuine from the fake. lately i've been thinking i need help, as in, professional help. but im too scared to take that plunge, risk everyone finding out. i just..yeah, i dont know what to do as usual. thats why i wish i had someone to make it all better, someone that i could talk to and just be able to forget about all the other shit. so that means im totally fucked eh?
on a side note, i dont know if my mom chooses to be oblivious or truely believed me but, when i was shopping yesterday she saw my arm and all the scars. she asked what happened, i told her i burned myself cleaning the rollergrill at work and she undoubtedly believed it. maybe thats what has me down, too, my own mother cant even see that i might possibly be reaching out for help.
[nothing is worth it anymore. but i dont want to disappoint my family any more than i already have.]
its easier to run
replacing this pain with something numb
its so much easier to go
than face all this pain here all alone
something has been taken
from deep inside of me
a secret i've kept locked away
no one can ever see
wounds so deep they never show
they never go away
like moving pictures in my head
for years and years they've played
if i could change i would
take back the pain i would
retrace every wrong move that i made i would
if i could
stand up and take the blame i would
if i could take all the shame to the grave i would
sometimes i remember
the darkness of my past
bringing back these memories
i wish i didn't have
sometimes i think of letting go
and never looking back
and never moving forward so
there would never be a past
just washing it aside
all of the helplessness inside
pretending i don't feel so misplaced
is so much simpler than change
its easier to run
replacing this pain with something numb
its so much easier to go
than face all this pain here all alone
--im in love with this song, i about cried when i listened for the first time.--
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| behind the boathouse.. i will show you my dark secret. |
;; 10:43p |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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Maroon 5- Harder to Breathe |
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so..this is my first entry. and i still need to make my journal all spiffified.
i fucked up tonight. a really big fuckup. twelve days short of two months of no [take a wild guess]ing, i ruined it. its back to square one, or..on a brighter note: the day i started my promise from was the fourteenth [having not actually done it since the fourth] so although i did do it, i havent technically broken it exactly..
so, i may have salvaged myself a little. a very tiny bit, but anything helps. and besides..it was only one slip-up. it was bound to happen; its hard to quit anything cold turkey. i will overcome this....[if its the last thing i do..]
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